This is the part of this story that is supposed to grab the reader. I don’t believe in all the handy hullabaloo. I will be too worried about doing it in a fashion that is in the form of an inverted W and having other people critique it and say I am an injury risk going forward. That stuff just isn’t for me. So we are at the quarter post of the season already, fast right? So this week we have a good gaggle of guys that will bring your fantasy baseball roster some prosperity. Personally, I am tempering expectations and want to be whelmed not under/overwhelmed. Because I don’t think I can handle all the burden of being over/under-anything. Seems like a much ado about nothing to me. Holy tangent, sorry. Well, enjoy the week to come and happy rostering. Catch you all on the flip, and by flip, I mean next Saturday. (Please keep in mind that pitchers and matchups change.)
ONE START OPTIONS:
5/22
J.A.Happ vs CHC – Wood
Felix Doubront @ Bal – Matusz
5/23
Andy Pettitte @ KC – Mendoza
5/24
Randall Delgad0 @ Cin – Bailey
Joe Blanton @ STL – Westbrook
5/25
Anthony Bass @ NYM vs Gee
5/26
Wei-Yin Chen vs KC- Mazzaro
Paul Maholm vs Pit – Correia
TWO START OPTIONS:
Rick Porcello (@Cle vs Jiminez, @Min vs Blackburn) Why is that all the Jersey guys get bums raps? Oh, I remember now, because all we see is guys on reality show acting a fool and all their professions all seem to be “party hosts.”
Clayton Richard (@STL vs Garcia, @NYM vs Santana) It is Hodgepadre on opposite day.
Patrick Corbin (LAD vs Capuano, Mil vs Wolf) Please keep this spot in the rotation warm. It will be greatly appreciated. Thanks. Signed Skaggs and Bauer.
Tommy Hunter (Bos vs Buchholz, KC vs Paulino) He takes the prize or cake or whatever free stuff they offer with expressions these days for being the guy least owned. This week’s “Click and Pray” pick o’ the week.
Mike Leake (@Atl vs Minor, Col vs Guthrie) Last start was better, not great but a step in the right direction. Just don’t stand downwind of him when he pitches. On a positive note, it can’t really get much worse…Can it?
Jerome Williams (@Oak vs Milone, @Sea vs Hernandez) On the road, throwing pitches, from mound-on tops. Yeah, you will now never look at Jerome ever again and not pronounce it Jer-O-Me. So you’re welcome for that, secret handshake comes later.
Kyle Drabek (TB vs Hellickson, @Tex vs Darvish) You know you have been playing fantasy too long when you call him Doug every time you see him. Funny, I call E5, Porkchop and he stares at me with disgust.
Kyle Kendrick (Was vs Gonzalez, @STL vs Garcia) I will have a banner at the game. It will say ‘Go Kyle Kendrick’ and then will add the letter K for every strikeout he gets during the game to the end of his name. Hoping it’s not 2, because all of sudden 3 K’s isn’t a crowd, it became an affiliation.
Felipe Paulino (NYY vs Kuroda, @Bal vs Hunter) We come for the K’s and hope you don’t take a Mike Leake on our peripherals. A win would be nice too, but I will take the 12 plus K’s this week and worry about that ERA thingy elsewhere.
R.A. Dickey (@Pit vs McDonald, SD vs Volquez) Rahhhhh, or that’s what I am calling him from now on. It’s more fun that just saying R and A. No word back yet from Busta Rhymes’s agent about a cross promotional thing.
Erik Bedard (NYM vs Santana, CHC vs Garza) He is due for a DL stint, I mean he has to eventually. I will now go to church and count some rosaries for me wishing injury on someone.
Evan Longoria is out for 6 to 8 weeks. Let’s look on the bright side. According to our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater, Longoria has been less valuable than Encarnacion and Aviles at 3rd base. On the less bright side, those guys have been really, really good. Okay, that bright side argument didn’t play out so well. Let’s try again. On the bright side, I told everyone to draft Longoria and drafted him myself, so you can point at me and say how screwed I am. On the less bright side, if you’re reading this, there’s a chance you listened to me and drafted Longoria too. Okay, last try. In the 6 weeks he will miss, Longoria would’ve gave you around 8 homers and 30 RBIs with a .300 average. You can get that off waivers from Pedro Alvarez or Chris Davis (if all those coins I just dumped into a wishing well mean anything). Did I just try to convince myself that Pedro Alvarez was going to give me the same stats as Longoria? Wow, glad I haven’t convinced myself anything dangerous like I can fly or I can heal Longoria’s torn hammy by kidnapping him and taking him to St. Petersburg where they filmed Cocoon. Though I guess taking him to St. Pete couldn’t hurt… Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Matt Moore – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. Pull your arms inside, I’m closing the window to buy low on Moore.
Matt Joyce – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Every year he’s a beast before the All-Star break. Will someone remind me next February to place Joyce in my top 100 overall? It sounds like crazy talk, but think about this. You draft Joyce in the top 100, then someone will underperform on your team when the season starts (Stanton, McCutchen, do I have to continue with the names?) so you trade the underachiever for a different piece and play Joyce. Then you’ll be winning your league and people will be like how is this schmohawk winning when he took Joyce in the 8th round?
Nolan Reimold – Will miss a few days with a bulging disk — no, that’s not like when you tried to jam a CD into your radio and one was already there. Reimold says he will be back in a few days, which is pretty much what he’s said for the last week, so he also has a broken record.
Brian Matusz – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. 2nd consecutive solid start from Matusz…And his WHIP is still 1.70. Ma nish ta no thank you as I pass over him.
Chris Davis – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 5th homer. See, he’s totally as good as Longoria! (Or I’m taking my fountain coins back. All of them Mouth-style.)
J.J. Hardy – 1-for-5 with his 4th homer as he bats .185, which is my weight soaking wet, holding a 20 pound bottle of mayonnaise.
Shin-Soo Choo – Yesterday, Rudy said over IM that he thought they were going to designate for assignment Choo. Then I remembered his keyboard N doesn’t work. He meant Chone with an E typo and no N. Though, DFA’ing Choo didn’t sound as crazy as it should have. With that said, Choo sat out again yesterday with a tight hamstring and hasn’t played in a week. If Choo’s hamstrings wrote for Razzball, you’d get a roundup every other week.
Jordan Schafer – Out with an oblique strain. Just thinking about how weird words are that start with oh-bee. Oblique, oblong, OB-GYN. Eh, maybe it’s just me.
Jed Lowrie – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer in three games. When Lowrie gets hot, he gets hot schmotato hot, and when he gets cold, it’s because he’s injured. WHO! (While Healthy Own.)
Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-4, I was thinking that his 1-for-3 on Monday might’ve been a sign, but yesterday’s telling me he’s alive. If an impatient owner dropped him, grab him immediately. AuShizz is on!
Krispie Young – Took 35 swings yesterday. Just give me three of your best and get on the field! Ah fanabla, he’s not due back for a few weeks still.
Trevor Cahill – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. His ERA is now at 3.13. Aren’t you glad you panicked after his last start?
Jarrod Dyson – 2-for-4, 2 runs out of the leadoff spot. He also got a steal on Sunday. If you need steals, I could see grabbing him, but once Cain returns (soon) I’m not sure Dyson will play. Or maybe I’m just not picking up Dyson because I’m chicken.
Jeff Francoeur – 3-for-4, maybe Frenchy is finally coming out of his season long slump. If he is, could he bring Hosmer with him? Thank you.
Rick Porcello – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, lowering his ERA to 5.64, and raising his “How many times will someone ask in the comments if they should pick up Porcello” quotient to 6.89.
Mike Carp – Activated from the DL. 94% (no math done) of the outfielders on waivers are the Alex Presley type, which leaves only 17% (still no math) of the outfielders giving power. So if you’re in the lesser quarter percentile (throwing math out the window at this point), I’d grab Carp, or Crap if you’re kinda dyslexic.
Jesus Montero – 4-for-4 with no runs, RBIs or steals. The Charley Lau Special!
Michael Saunders – 1-for-4 with his 4th home run. We actually go over Saunders later on today in the podcast. You can hardly wait! No, you!
Jason Kipnis – 3-for-4 with a SB. Now has his AVG up to .280 with 3 HR and 5 SB – good for top 5 in the Player Rater for 2B. We are Kipnissing history.
Ryan Zimmerman – Says he’s going to return on Sunday. I’ll file that under “I’ll believe it when I see it.” It’s filed right after, “If there was celery ice cream, I could eat all I want and still lose calories.”
Bryce Harper – Jumped into a pickup softball game yesterday in Washington. Softball when you’re not old enough to drink? That sounds terrible! Somewhere, Matt Stairs is nodding his head yes.
Jose Iglesias – Recalled by the Red Sox to provide depth as Youuuuuuuuk nurses his big-baby-itis. Iglesias is a good pick up if your league has a Web Gem category.
Gordon Beckham – 3-for-4 including his 1st HR of the year. One more of those and someone’s gonna have a big boy average (.200+).
Yadier Molina – 2-for-5 with 3 runs and 2 SBs. Other catchers are having great years but Yadier is #1 on the player rater for catchers and it’s not that close. He must’ve kept some of Pujols’s mojo.
Cory Luebke- Will be skipped with a sore elbow. As frequent commenter, royce! said, “With Luebke being hurt, the Padres get to show off their minor league depth and call up… Jeff Suppan? I’m thinking a sad trombone would work here, but a “trombone being kicked in the nuts” would be more appropriate.”
Jonny Venters – 2/3 IP, 2 ER as he blew Beachy’s quality start (7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks). Fredi Gonzalez said Venters’s punishment is having to throw another 120 games in a row.
Curtis Granderson – 2-for-3 with his 9th home run. Okay, but Stanton has 10 RBIs, so there!
Kelly Johnson – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer. I’ll be honest, I don’t know what every player is currently doing. Johnson was one of those I wasn’t sure about. So someone asked if they should drop him the other day and I looked at his stats. This guy you want to drop? I’d give you Cano’s stats for Kelly Johnson’s stats right now. Actually, I’ll give you Longoria, Cano and Stanton’s stats if you want them. Kelly Johnson has more RBIs than Bautista right now. Oh, and I like Aaron Hill right now too. Danny Espinosa, not so much. He looks like the turd that my ex-girlfriend put in my bed in college. A story you can read all about in my e-book!
Adam Lind – 0-for-4 with one homer on the year as he bats .203. This ship sailed and then sunk.
Jemile Weeks – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th steal. Holding the mirror to his nose, and it faintly fogs up.
Grant Balfour – 1/3 IP, 2 ER and his fifth earned run in his last two appearances. As the closerousel turns… I’d grab Ryan Cook only because I think Brian Fuentes is bad at, ya know, pitching.
Jarrod Parker – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks in Fenway. Sonavabench!
Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Only 7 more homers and 27 more RBIs and you will have admirably filled in for Longoria.
Jose Tabata – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer. He’s also batting over .350 in the last week. Hey, Tah-bah-ta, Tah-bah-ta, Tah-bah-ta, swing, Tah-bah-ta!
Ubaldo Jimenez – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER– Well, whatever. You can’t own him anywhere. Take him and Chacin, give them two Entertainment.com coupons to Souplantation and hope they get food poisoning.
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer to keep pace with A.J. Ellis.
Heath Bell – Threw the perfect inning for the save, and the closer leash goes out a hair, but remember it’s retractable.
Jerome Williams – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks as he threw a shutout vs. Minnesota. Nothing gives pitchers the O face like facing Twins.
Torii Hunter – 2-for-2 with his 2nd homer in as many games, equaling the I’s he dots.
Albert Pujols – 0-for-4. Now being outhomered by Dee Gordon. Though Dee Gordon’s homer came off his head as Matt Kemp was swinging him.
Peter Bourjos – Benched for the 4th time in 5 games by the Sciosciapath who has decided not to play a struggling prospect with awesome defense in favor of Vernon Wells. Peter, welcome to the Doghouse That Napoli built. The Sciosciapath is going at this all wrong. He should try to one-up his student, Joe “Infield Shift” Maddon, by playing a two man outfield of Bourjos and Trout and then play five infielders. “Hey, Maicer, you always wondered what UTIL meant? It means U stand behind second base ‘TIL I tell you to come back to the dugout.”
Mat Gamel – Left yesterday’s game after running into a fence. This gives me a great idea. Baseball stadiums should have no fences. Only players should wear electric shock collars, so when they get to a certain point in foul territory they’re shocked. Problem solved!
Another week in the books, my fellow pretend baseball heads. The chase for wins continues this week with a stellar group of entries comprised of 9 guys whose combined career starts don’t even equal the other person’s. I can’t even remember what I was doing in 1986 when Jamie Moyer started his first game. Oh… I remember now it was called being a kid and getting dirty and stealing cars. Stuff we all did and never got caught for, boys being boys type stuff. It is kind of weird to imagine the same player being in the fantasy pool from my year one start into fantasy in 1989, til this year. Crazy stuff. He needs to get out of that pool ‘cuz he is going to be all wrinkly. Even if you hate the Rockies, you have to root for Jamie a little, just don’t do it too loud; he frightens easily. So enjoy the week to come and happy fantasy scavenging. (Pitchers and matchups change so please be aware.)
One Start Streamers :
4/25
Kyle Drabek @Bal – Hammel
Luke Hochevar @Cle – Tomlin
Barry Zito @Cin – Arroyo
4/26
Philip Humber vs Bos – Doubront
Rick Porcello vs Sea – Noesi
4/27
Danny Duffy @MIN – Pavano
Jake Westbrook @Mil – TBD
4/28
Randall Delgado vs Pit – Bedard
Two Star Options:
Jamie Moyer (@Pit vs McDonald, NYM vs Dickey) – Moyer will be in Pittsburgh and Denver this week throwing a baseball unfast. I hope he doesn’t wear out his feet peddling his car to the games, he needs his strength.
Lucas Harrell (@Mil vs Greinke, @Cin vs Latos) – I personally think it’s great that the ‘Stros are giving the kid from ET a chance. No word on if they gave his bike with a basket a job in the transportation department.
Bartolo Colon (CHW vs Peavy, @Bal vs Hunter) – 15 straight scoreless innings, and he threw 38 consecutive strikes in his start on Wednesday. That to me is crazy. I can’t do anything 38 times in a row with out the help of visual aides. This is the only piece of actual stat in this article, so you’re welcome.
Henderson Alvarez (@Bal vs Hunter, Sea vs Vargas) – Remember 2 weeks ago when I said it would be his only appearance on this weekly format. Well, the gist of it is I lied, because people still don’t have this guy rostered enough so your stuck listening about him.
Chris Capuano (ATL vs Jurrjens, WAS vs Zimmermann) – Oooh, 2 starts at home, I still think I would take Paul Lynde to block. We come for the K’s and stay for the apuano. Oh wait, damn you phonetics. Somewhere in heaven, Charles Nelson Reilly is jealous of Paul Lynde being mentioned.
Bruce Chen (Tor vs Morrow, @Min vs Liriano) – To me Bruce Chen is like the guy who still buys Zima at the liquor store. You see it as being available in the store, but wonder who ever buys it. Now you know, but you really shouldn’t.
Jason Marquis (Bos vs Lester, KC vs Sanchez) – I ran into Marquis at the Wawa ordering a quesadilla after his start against the Yankees and asked about his 2 start week. He said, “You know me as the b-i-z-m-a-r-q-u-i-s, I go for what I know doin’ a show for human beings, I’m guaranteed to roc,k I make the ladies scream and shout.” “Nobody beats the bizzzz.” Floored, he autographed my 6″ sub in oil and vinegar.
R.A. Dickey (Mia vs Buerhle, @COL vs Moyer) – A knuckleballing New York guy named Dickey, I thought Rudy did away with all that type of riff-raff. If he can keep the ball in the park he will be successful. That dynamite piece of advice brought to you by obviousness and wig-wam socks.
Clayton Richard (Was vs Zimmermann, @SF vs Cain) – My first rule of fantasy streaming is don’t trust a guy with 2 first names. Second rule is always check for an Adam’s apples. Cuz, you never can tell with the advancements in modern medicine. Wait, are we still talking about streaming pitchers?
Jason Vargas (@Det vs Scherzer, @Tor vs Alvarez) – The Hawk and Animal special of the week. This guy is pitching better than I think anyone is giving him credit for. Yeah, he’s a Marginer and is away from home this week, but I say fiddle faddle. Trends come and go, that’s why I am still hanging onto my Jordache jeans.
This is it, fellas and three girl readers. The last train is leaving the station. The giddy has just about got up and went. It’s your last chance and I’d throw every single pitcher, not just the ones I have listed here if it meant the difference in my league. You need to do what you do. The line for last week was 5.02 ERA, 1.66 WHIP, 57 Ks and 5 Wins in 77 IP. Um, that’s hideous. If I were to remove Eveland, Huff and Lincoln, ERA would drop to 3.52. So most the damage was done by three guys. Still, blech. Let’s see if I can avoid recommending Lincoln for a third week! To recap, these aren’t guys I’d drop anyone worthwhile to get, these starters are meant for streaming purposes and all of their ownership in ESPN is under 50%. These streamers are in no particular order. Also, in the final days of the season, managers juggle their lineups more, so there’s no guarantee all of these guys are listed on the right day. Anyway, here’s some borderline starters for this week in fantasy baseball:
Friday, September 23rd
Carl Pavano – Against the Indians this year, he’s been a Pava…yes. See what I did there? Spectacular!
Rick Porcello – The deal right now, in these last few days of September, is go big or go home or don’t go big and don’t go home. In other words, you have to decide if you need to start a whole mess of guys to try and win, or if you can coast like the Phils. Don’t fully trust Porcello but he’s better than some other schmohawks.
R.A. Dickey – He hasn’t been bad in two months and he gets the playoff-bound Phils. I do tend to shy away from knuckleballers with Dickey being one. (Must’ve been so hard for him growing up with a name like Dickey and being a knuckleballer. I imagine it’s hard for anyone under the age of 45 to be a knuckleballer. Knuckleballers don’t exactly pull the girls. Or maybe they don’t pull girls so that’s why they become knuckleballers. Deep thoughts with Grey Albright.)
Brett Myers – I nearly put Drew Pomenranz here too (his opponent). One million ways to stream, choose one.
Aaron Harang – A few pitchers I liked for today were left off because they were just above 50% owned. Basically, every pitcher on this Friday is a good spot start.
Saturday, September 24th
Cory Luebke – As good as Friday was for spot starters, Saturday’s that bad. For full disclosure, I nearly suggested Jerome Williams, but then I thought about Jerome Williams and I decided nah. Not a capital nah or a no way, just a small quiet nah.
Sunday, September 25th
Mike Minor – Not great matchups today either. I mean, there’s some good pitchers going but they’re owned in more than 50% of leagues. Minor’s at least good for some Ks. BTW, this start could change if the Braves have already clinched. Then Detwiler’s start vs them wouldn’t look as bad.
Edwin Jackson – Gave me a pretty lousy start last time he appeared in the borderline starter post (5 IP, 5 ER), but I’m a glutton for punishment. Not gluten, gross.
Monday, September 26th
Randall Delgado – Will be a bit dependent on where the Braves are in the playoff race, but whether they’re in it or out of it, they’re going against the Phils who have packed it up.
Randy Wells – Only because he goes against the Padres in Petco. On a related note, what are the Cubs doing in San Diego at the end of the season? I can only imagine how well this would’ve went down if the Cubs were in the playoff chase… Okay, as hard as that is to imagine.
Brandon McCarthy – He’s only listed here because he was under 50% owned when I wrote this up. I imagine by Monday he won’t be under 50% anymore. He might not even be by today.
Jason Vargas – Him and McCarthy go against each other. I don’t stream two pitchers in the same game, but chances are McCarthy will be gone and Vargas could throw a decent game, as well.
Tuesday, September 27th
Jeanmar Gomez – Sounds like a Swedish Latino, doesn’t he? Swexicano? Not the greatest of matchups with Gomez going against the Tigers if it wasn’t for the fact the Tigers will be resting for the playoffs.
Wednesday, September 28th
R.A. Dickey – Look at me, double dipping on Dickey this week. That’s what she said! Though I’m not sure why she would say that. It’s not like it would reflect well on her.
Eric Surkamp – Unlike previous years, the Rockies folded up their blankets and checked out in August. If Surkamp’s gone, I’d look at his opponent, Pomeranz, simply because the Giants aren’t that good.
Brett Myers – The last day of the season is actually a great day to stream pitchers. Hitters take the last day off, managers bring in Triple-A hitters just to give them a chance to play, people check out, basically.
Brad Peacock – Thankfully, he’s not facing Dickey on the last day of the season because then my head would’ve exploded. The one on my shoulders.
Wouldn’t say this is crunch time as much as this is “Your nuts are in a cracker and the season’s closing in and squeezing tight so you better just throw any pitchers that are available because you need stats — stat!” time. The line for last week was 80 IP, 4.05 ERA, 1.44 WHIP, 50 Ks and 3 wins. Not a great line, but if you throw out Lannan and Francis because you had better sense than me and didn’t start them. The line comes down to 3.42 ERA and 1.37 WHIP. To recap, these aren’t guys I’d drop anyone worthwhile to get, these starters are meant for streaming purposes and all of their ownership in ESPN is under 50%. These streamers are in no particular order. Also, in the final month of the season, managers juggle their lineups more, so there’s no guarantee all of these guys are listed on the right day. Anyway, here’s some borderline starters for this week in fantasy baseball:
Friday, September 16th
Philip Humber – It’s really slim pickins on Friday for under 50% owned starters. I’m not a huge fan of Humber but compared to some of the other schmohawks, well, here he is.
Jeff Locke – On Friday, Locke goes against the Smoke Monster in chess and the Dodgers’ weak offense.
Saturday, September 17th
Jeanmar Gomez – Gets the Twins, has only given up 3 earned in the last 17 and a third innings and when you say his first name it causes phlegm.
Rick Porcello – Don’t trust Porcello at all but he goes to a -co stadium and faces the A’s.
Chris Volstad – In his last three starts, 17 1/3 IP and 3.12 ERA. Here he takes on the Nats and Strasburg’s three to five innings of work.
Sunday, September 18th
Joe Saunders – In 22 innings vs. the Padres, he has a 2.05 ERA and a .190 BAA. Kill me now for recommending Saunders.
Matt Harrison – 1.84 ERA vs. the Mariners, though I’m not sure there’s any pitchers with a 2+ ERA vs. the M’s. Maybe Liriano or Danks. Schmohawks.
Brad Lincoln – Gave a pretty yawnstipating start last time out, but here I am going back to the well like Baby Jessica.
Monday, September 19th
David Huff – I never said the names on this list were gonna be pretty. There’s only a few teams I could see starting Huff against: the Mariners and the Mariners minor league affiliates.
Mike Minor – He just dismantled the Marlins (with a four walk performance in 5 2/3 innings — technicalities!).
Tuesday, September 20th
Jason Vargas – Choices aren’t Grade A when I’m taking on a Mariners starter, but it was between him and To Be Announced. And I don’t like To Be Announced’s matchup.
Edwin Jackson – Highest compliment I can give any guys on this list is when I think one should be owned in more than 50% of leagues. Jackson’s one of those guys.
Derek Holland – Last three starts (when this was written), 1.77 ERA and 21 Ks in 20 1/3 IP.
Wednesday, September 21st
Dana Eveland – He/she gets the Giants in Chavez Ravine. Giants have a .236 average vs. lefties, which is only slightly worse than what they’re batting against righties. As for the lack of other options today, they were kinda Plouffey. I almost put down Brett Cecil, but he’s all over the map and not in the good traveling circus kind of way.
