Fantasy Baseball Advice

Someone defrost Ted Williams’ head, Jed Lowrie is hitting .516.  If Mickey Rooney were playing the part of Dice-K, he’d say Jed is so Lovrie.  That’s if we can pull Rooney away from pooping in your neighbor’s chimney.  Right now, Lowrie is seasoning up fantasy steaks something delicious, but can this continue?  No, of course not.  Can he hit .280 with 10 homers?  Sure.  Can he get to 15 homers?  Is the moon made of green cheese? (Actually, it is.)  Lowrie has a heart three sizes too big for his body and a thermos filled with spunk.  But spunk’s a category in your league?  Some would find that hard to swallow.  He has little to no speed and, if he slumps for a second, Marco…Scutaro could go back to popping up in the most unlikely places.  But, hey, it’s not like you need much.  Lowrie could be a top ten shortstop with only one good month of stats.  I’d absolutely pick him up but don’t drop a proven commodity.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Daisuke Matsuzaka – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (1 Hit), 3 Ks.  That’s nice, I’m not buying.  If you go with him, you’re rolling the Dice, K?

Jacoby Ellsbury – Hit his 4th homer yesterday as he and A-Gon go on casting calls for the remake to Vice Versa.

Jerry Sands – Called up by the Dodgers because Mattingly used to have a dope ‘stache and he loves crazy women.  Okay, those aren’t related, but I like to think they are in my effort to emulate Mattingly.  Sands looks like another Razzball favorite, the mollywhopping, pony stick-galloping, Mike Stanton.  Just not quite as much power.  Let’s say Mike Stanton Jr.  Last year, Sands had 17 homers in Double-A in half a year (68 games).  This year in Triple-A, he had 5 homers in 10 games.  That’s a yes, please and thank you.  For this year, I’d give Sands 20 homers, .250 average and 5 steals.  There’s upside, obviously, so I picked him up everywhere I could.  (Yes, I’m looking with my stink eye towards Yahoo for not having him in their player universe.  Can they just have everyone in the minors like CBS or only the players on the 40 man roster?  Because this willy-nilly, no one has any idea who is actually in the player universe is lamer than dog balls.)

Jason Heyward – Hitting 2nd with McLouth in the lineup.  You should’ve took the under.

Rick Ankiel – Supposedly, the Nats aren’t happy with Ankiel’s production.  No way!  C’mon, really?  Wow, if they would’ve just read Razzball in March, I would’ve told them to start the season with Roger Bernandina.  Keep your eye on Roger, roger?

Travis Wood – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks and three first inning runs.  He must be hanging out with Crazy Edinson.

Aroldis Chapman – Returned and threw over 100 MPH.  “Geez, Pa, that’s fast.”  That’s what Steve Pearce said to Lyle Overbay.

Mike Leake – Arrested for stealing $60 worth of t-shirts from Macy’s.  The pressure to keep up with Jay Bruce’s Ed Hardy collection is just too intense.  If a cop sees you take a leak, it’s public indecency.  So what’s it called when Leake takes something.

Tyson Ross – Going from Macy’s to Ross, Tyson Ross would be my choice to take Braden’s next scheduled start on Friday in Safeco.  Ross had a solid spring and almost made the rotation.  So far in Oakland, he has a 10+ K/9, but, as I tell my girlfriends, beware the small sample size.  I like him for a spot start on Friday, if he gets it, then we’d have to take it from there.

Cody Ross – Sticking with the bargain basement Ross theme, Bochy said Belt could be sent down as soon as Tuesday, which is today on your Mayan calendars.  “Don’t stare into the day Wednesday!”  That’s what it says on my Mayan calendar.

Kevin Correia – 9 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Yeah, should’ve drafted him instead F-Her.  Nice!

Francisco Liriano – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Baby steps, Bob, baby steps.

Adam Jones – 1-for-4, 3rd homer.  There was only one hitter in the O’s lineup hitting over .250.  That’s Brian Roberts at .266.  Member when they were 6-1 to start the year?  They haven’t won since.  Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!

Sam Fuld – 4-for-4, hitting .396 on the year.

Justin Morneau – Out again with the flu.  Instead of Theraflu, Canadians take Cariflu which is 50% medicine, 50% caribou semen.

Hold on one second, I’m breathing in that New Season Smell.  Hmm, actually I just smell a small gas leak.  Here’s hoping I make it through this post!  Baseball:  you make me feel like the only girl in the world!  Sticks and stones may break my bones but Ks and WHIPs excite me!  Okay, I lost my shizz there for a second.  I’m as excited as you, see?  Of course you do, unless you’re having your old lady read this to you.  Still, don’t overrate one day of stats.  Jeff Mathis will not bat .500 with 162 homers, Matt Holliday will not knock in 324 runs while helping Tony La Russa save stray kittens and Alex Gordon, who went 0-for-5, will not hit .000… Well, actually that might happen.  We’re only one game in.  Please keep shizz in perspective.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Capps – Twins announced that Matt Capps will share in the save opportunities.  Or Capportunities.

Russell Martin – 1-for-3 and a steal of third.  He hadn’t exerted so much effort getting to 3rd base since he caught Alyssa Milano on the rebound.

Curtis Granderson – 1-for-3, HR and he robbed a double by Brandon Inge aka Big Mike’s brother.

Tim Stauffer - 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Is that a Hodgepadre acting like a Road Scholar?  Not entirely.  Don’t take this the wrong way because I do like Stauffer a lot, but this wasn’t as nice a start as his ERA shows.  I’d still only start him at home for now.

Orlando Hudson – 0-for-2, Hit third for the Padres.  That’s not a compliment for Hudson, that’s an indictment of the Padres.

Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I think this might’ve been Verlander’s best game ever for the first month of the season.  Not even being sarcastic.

Austin Jackson – 1-for-4, 3 Ks.  Wouldn’t surprise me to see him K 170 times and hit .250.  Take from that what you will.

Yovani Gallardo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  More than happy with this start.  @CIN is probably the third worst start after @COL and @PHI.  Assuming there’s no games @MOON.

Carlos Gomez – 1-for-4, and the first slam & legs of the season.  Message to all teams with underperforming CFs.  Pick up Nyjer Morgan and it’ll scare them straight.

Rickie Weeks – 2-for-5, HR.  He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he could be.  Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, turkey gobble.

John Axford – Blows a save in as painful a way as possible — 4 runs including a 3-run dinger to Ramon ‘The Prospblock’ Hernandez.  Trevor Hoffman is probably experiencing flashbacks from last year.  Takashi Saito would be the speculative handcuff.

Edinson Volquez – 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  More like Volqueef.  Gotta stay patient here.  One game.  Yadda³.

Drew Stubbs – 2-for-5, HR.  The King of the Slam & Legs went without a steal yesterday, but those things will come.  Doode’s fast.  (<–illuminating!)  BTW, Stubbs went to UT and Rudy is living in Austin so at a Reds spring training game we were at, Rudy screamed to Stubbs, who was three feet away, “Hook ‘em horns!”  Stubbs didn’t even look.  Then Rudy yelled it again.  Still nothing.  Was like that Tom Hanks/Jon Lovitz SNL sketch.  Rudy’s eyebrows do come together in the most unappealing way.

Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-3.  Sandoval’s dropped a few pant sizes and lineup spots.  Honestly, I’d rather a fat Panda hitting 3rd-5th than a skinny one hitting 8th.  He’ll be hungry…..for Runs and RBIs!

Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  He looks so much better than Lincecum, in both a straight and gay way.

Ryan Franklin – Blew the save as he gave up a homer to Cameron Maybin.  I’ve gone on the record as saying that Motte will be closing games by the end of the year.

Albert Pujols – 3 GIDPs and a pop-up with a man on 3rd and one out.  That’s it.  We waited 10 years to get him in a draft (NL LABR) and this is what we get.  Poo-holes!

Cameron Maybin – 2-for-5 with a homer then he hurt his leg.  The universe just won’t let him break out.

Erick Aybar – 1-for-4 as he hit 6th, which makes sense if you’re a Sciosciapath.

Fernando Rodney – Got the ugly save.  The Angels pen didn’t look so hot and that was before they even got to the closer that deserves no respect.

Jeff Francoeur – Frenchy homered and threw out a man at home.  It’s Bastille Day!

Darwin Barney – Won the 2nd base job in Chicago.  I grabbed him in one NL-Only league, but there I’m really just hoping for everyday ABs.  I’d expect numbers that make Crapolanco look spectaculanco.  BTW, could anyone love dinosaurs more than Darwin Barney?

Mike Morse – 0-for-4.  Wanna say, “Okay, it’s one game.  Don’t overreact.  Stroke your ‘stache and calm yourself.”  But, guys (and three girl readers), righty pitchers look like they’ve already decoded Morse.

Melky Cabrera – 3-for-4, but as frequent commenter GopherDay said yesterday in the comments, “I’ve figured out why the Royals picked Melky over Cain for the CF job.  They want to fill M. Cabrera into their scorecard and dream.”

Craig Kimbrel – Member all that talk about a Venters timeshare?  Kimbrel faced two lefties in the ninth for the save.  Oh, and he was nasty.  Sorry, need the hyphen.  Nas-tee.  Will be this year’s Marmol.

Nate McLouth – 0-for-4.  Good to see McLousy pick up where he left off.  I give him until May until he’s in a blahtoon.

Jason Heyward – 1-for-2 and the first player to hit a homer in his first at-bat two seasons in a row, according to Elias Sports Bureau.  Actually, they didn’t say that, but here’s something that was overheard at the Elias compound on Opening Day.  Bob in Human Resources, “This is the 20th year I’ve worked with all of you nerds and I hate every single one of you.”

Barry Zito – Was in a car accident.  Ironically, watching him pitch is like a car wreck.  Zito must’ve had the Jack Johnson music too loud.  I’m so mellow…I see the red light as yellow.

You know that slo-mo video of Homer Simpson taking a cannonball off his belly?  This looked more painful. When Carlos Santana, the future of the Indians franchise, went down in this collision, his knee said, “I wish I were Joe Theismann’s knee.”  To stay in the world of The Simpsons, you can see the exact moment when Cleveland’s heart breaks.  Carlos Santana’s collision was like The Decision, Part II.  Only more ghoulish.  I’d be shocked if Santana’s back this year.  Hopefully, he’ll be fine for next year.  On the bright side, Cleveland, you’re still not Detroit.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Shelley Duncan – 4-for-5, 1 Run, 2 RBIs.  Surprised there weren’t any other injuries reported from Shelley Duncan high fives.  He’s always so intense.  Here’s him taking questions after the game.

Adrian Beltre – 2-for-3, 2 homers and 5 RBIs.  Ever wonder how Stonehenge was built?  Beltre did it in a contract year.

Kevin Youkilis – Day-to-day with a jammed thumb.  My grandmother used to make a delicious thumb jam.  I miss you, Minky!

John Lackey – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 14 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I dropped him about two starts ago.  He then went out and threw a shutout, then a quality start.  That gave someone confidence to pick him in my league and start him vs. the Indians.  Muahahahahahaha…

Trevor Cahill – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  His K:BB 73:41 in 125 2/3 IP isn’t good.  His xFIP is almost a run and a half worse than his ERA.  Yet, his 0.99 WHIP and 2.72 ERA make me wish he were beguiling me while I owned him.

Jeremy Hellickson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I don’t know what the line looks like to you, but I watched 95% of this start.  Looked dominating through three and worked around a cheap walk and hit in the fourth, remaining composed.  With ease, he was hitting 92 and 93 with his fastball and controlling his off-speed pitches well.  He was also sent down right after the game.  If you’re out of it in keepers, I’d grab him right now and hold on.

B.J. Upton – 3-for-4 with 3 steals.  Well, if it ain’t the Bossman clocking in four months late.

Matt Joyce – 2-for-4 with 3 homers in the last week.  He’s not going to win any batting titles, but he does have pop and he’s playing every day.

Dan Wheeler – Got the save since Rafael Soriano had worked three days in a row.  Gives you a hint of where Qualls is in the pecking order.  See, the guy in the Buddy Holly glasses isn’t as dopey as he looks.

Carlos Pena – Was walking on crutches today.  No, it’s not a new dance craze, he has a sore foot.

Justin Morneau – Tried to hit in the cages but couldn’t do it.  It’s being speculated that he’s weeks away.  Just-Morn, indeed.

Matt Kemp – 5-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer.  Kemp collected more hits yesterday than he had collectively in the last 8 days.  He hasn’t had a crazy hot streak all year.  Now would work for me.  Get to it!

Travis Wood -7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  You didn’t need to be Ms. Cleo to know this was going to be a nice start for him vs. the Pirates.  I’d definitely own him going forward, just be ready to jump ship.

Orlando Cabrera – Left the game with a strained oblique and is headed to the DL.  Can’t wait until fifty years from now a player has a groundbreaking surgery to fix obliques and then it’s named after him.  Say the Ken Griffey Jr. Jr. Jr. Surgery.

Joey Votto – Sat out yesterday with a sore wrist.  Get well soon, Joey!

Joel Hanrahan – Entered a losing game in the 8th.  Take whatever you want from that.   Still think him and Meek are both vying.  Vie, baby, vie!

Rick Ankiel – 2-for-4 as he started vs. a lefty.  Cox may be playing Ankiel more than Melky because he’s a better fielder.  Doesn’t make Ankiel mixed league material yet, but it’s worth monitoring.

Randy Wells – 4 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I don’t believe he even wanted to pitch well for the last month.  He just wanted to build confidence up in me so he could do this to me.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, and why do you keep fooling me?  Are you mad at me or something?  It’s not cool.

Ryan Braun – 5-for-7, 3 Runs, 2 RBIs.  Prince Fielder; 5-for-7, 2 Runs, 5 RBIs.  McGehee; 2-for-5 with a homer.  Hart; 4-for-7.  Alcides; 3-for-5. Edmonds; 2-for-3… Even Counsell went 2-for-2.  Honestly, I’m not even sure how this game is over.  There doesn’t seem like there were enough outs made.  Did the Cubs forfeit?

Jake Westbrook – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Yes, this looks like a positive sign moving forward, but it was against the Astros.  I’d still be cautious outside of NL-Only leagues.

Sean Burnett – 1 2/3 IP and his first save.  Somehow Sean is the Burnett you want to own.  Go figure.  Or don’t.  Your choice.  Storen pitched 2 innings on Sunday and Burnett entered to face lefties originally.  He’s worth owning if you’re hurting for saves, but Burnett will be mostly a situational closer.

Chase Headley – 4-for-5, 3 Runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer.  Nicest thing Headley ever did was have this game on a short schedule day so I didn’t have him on my bench.

Yorvit Torrealba – 3-for-5 and batting near .600 over the last ten games.  I doubt it lasts forever, but if you just lost Santana, Yorvit’s hot.

Andrew Bailey – Won’t return when he’s eligible on Friday, but could return soon after.   If you think the only German words that have a place in baseball are bratwurst, sauerkraut, and lager, I hear ya, but I’d own Wuertz while Bailey mends.

Ryan Howard – Headed to Philly to be examined by doctors.  That’s a good sign in opposite world.  While in opposite world, you can pick up Lyle Overbay to be your first baseman.  He’s awesome!  Hopefully the doctors just need to prescribe some rest and cheese steak soup for Howard.

A.J. Burnett – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  This might be news like, “and water is wet,” but Burnett’s unownable.

Nick Swisher – 2-for-5 and 2 homers.  He makes me almost want to add sideburns to my facial hair accoutrements.

What I never understood about the trading deadline is why wait until the last second to make a trade?  Did the Padres really wake up on July 31st and think they suddenly needed a bat?  Wasn’t this apparent on April 2nd?  I understand you don’t trade for pieces if you’re out of it, but the Padres, for instance, haven’t been out of it all season, unless they assumed they weren’t contending when the season started.  Maybe they wouldn’t have got Ryan Ludwick, because the Cards may not have been selling him in April, but they needed someone.  Then there’s the other deals that remind me of my friend who buys things just because they are on sale.  “Do you really need a 120 count box of chicken bouillon?”  “No, but Shop-Rite was selling Chicken Bazillions for only $2.99.”  So, in that vein, do you really need Matt Capps when Jon Rauch is serviceable?  No, but we’ve been dying to shed these upside prospects and the price was right.  Deep thoughts by Grey Albright, I suppose.  Anyway, here’s what I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Lance Berkman – Traded to the Yankees.  This is one of those moves that’s actually better for fantasy.  In real baseball, adding Berkman to the Yankees lineup is like adding pecan sandies to a tray of chocolate chip cookies.  Hey, if you like a pecan sandie, then go for it.  I think you were fine with the chocolate chips.  Let’s face it, leaving Houston helps anyone’s value.  Berkman goes from between Keppinger and The Glue They Once Called El Caballo to hitting in an All-Star lineup.  Hey, Runs and RBIs, nice to see you again.  As I mentioned in the comments when the trade went down, A-Rod’s sitting at 16 homers, so don’t expect The Stadium They Built Next To The Stadium That Ruth Built to suddenly add 20 homers to Berkman.  He’s still old and struggling.  Value goes up, but only so much.

Ryan Ludwick – I always want to write Lyan Rudwick.  Not sure why.  Anyhoo, Ludwick goes to the Padres.  This move is almost lateral for Ludwick.  Maybe a slight nudgwick up on value.  He wasn’t playing every day in St. Louie, but he wasn’t hitting in Petco either.  That’s six of one, half dozen warning track fly outs.  Ludwick seemed like he ran his course in La Russa Land, so the fact the Padres appreciate him might boost his confidence.  It’s the Sally Field syndrome.  Ludwick, “They like me!  They really like me!”

Joel Hanrahan – Remind me not to pay attention to Buster Olney anymore.  First he tells me Cliff Lee is traded to the Yankees then he says Hanrahan will be the closer only to watch Dotel get traded and Meek to enter the closer picture.  Olney, you’re on notice.  If you have room, you need to own both Meek and Hanrahananananan.  The good news is they’re both solid.  I do think Hanrahanananan is the first one to get saves.  Meanwhile, Dotel’s a don’t own.

Aaron Heilman – With Qualls going off to the Rays, this should clear up who’s closing in Arizona.  Now Heilman is not good, but they really can’t keep going to Gutierrez.  With the season he’s had, Gutierrez shouldn’t even be pitching in the major leagues anymore.  And if you were holding out hope Qualls would turn his season around, you can now safely take him off life support, Kevorkian.  (Speaking of which, I watched the HBO movie with Pacino and Sarandon this weekend.  Wow, Al and Susan got long in the tooth.  This was like when you go back to your old high school to see your former teachers and they’re all so much older than you remember them and it’s very depressing. Then, just when you didn’t think it could get any worse, you run into the hot English teacher you used to have a crush on and she has short gray hair and she’s wearing slacks from Ross, Dress For Less and she coyly mentions how she just got divorced and you think you might actually have a chance now and that makes you want to vomit on the Philly fan who vomited on another Philly fan.)

Ryan Howard – Left the game after jamming his ankle.  I’m holding a candlelight vigil that he avoids DL.  As of right now, the x-rays were negative, which is positive.  Hopefully he just misses a few days.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – I’d give a dollar to hear a Masshole pronounce Salty’s full name.  Saltymochachino could be a sneaky dynasty pickup for those in deep leagues.  For now, he’s bench depth for the Sawx.

Randy Wolf – Hit with a line drive on his wrist.  He immediately left the game pist.

Ted Lilly – He’s been solid in away games this year, but terrible at Dodger Stadium over the last three years.  That was facing the Dodgers and not the Padres, Giants and Diamondbacks.  As long as the Lilly handles SoCal better than Snookie handles SoCo, this looks like a positive all around for him.  Don’t think he gets much better than a mid-3 ERA going forward, but he’s a solid number three fantasy starter.

Ryan Theriot – Speed guys’ values don’t really change with a new environment.  Terry-O do what he do, which is fine at MI.

Alex Gordon – 2-for-3 with his 2nd homer in three games and a 7 game hitting streak.  It’s now or never time for Gordon and it looks like he’s going the now route.  Grab him immediately.

Rick Ankiel – Since Bobby Cox doesn’t have much time left, it makes sense the Braves are looking towards the immediate future.  And by immediate future, I mean August.  Ankiel will split time in the outfield, which will hurt his value, but he wasn’t helping his value much anyway.

Martin Prado – Fractured his pinky and will probably be DL’d on Monday.  Alfonseca would’ve just grown a new digit.  If you need short term help, Infante should see the majority of the playing time.

Blake DeWitt – 3-for-4, 1 RBI.  His Mom was hot, but he’s an end of the lineup hitter with little power or speed.

Aramis Ramirez – Just when you thought he turned the corner, he goes and turns another corner to end up back where he started with thumb problems.

Cristian Guzman – I’m embarrassed to say this, but in leagues where I need runs and average, I actually grabbed Guzman.  In one league, I’ll be blahtooning him with Desmond.  In another, him and fahgettaBartlett.  When you punt MI, these are the choices you need to make.  Guzman should have value until Kinsler returns, which may not be until the end of August.  Yes, Kinsler’s out for a while and didn’t do shizz when he was playing.

Edinson Volquez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  The one earned run and win hide the 5 walks in five innings, which isn’t a great sign moving forward.  He’s just as risky today as he was on Saturday.

Stephen Strasburg – ESPN reported Strasburg threw with no pain.  They’ll be reporting later when Strasburg ‘goes to drop a deuce.’

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks.  I feel like his season has gone relatively unnoticed.  He has 150 Ks in 136 IP.  That’s the 3rd best K-rate in the major leagues.  His xFIP is 2.92, which is the best in the majors, just above Halladay and Johnson.

Daniel Hudson – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  The Haren move was questionable for the Diamondbacks, but they redeemed themselves with this get.  I love Hudson in NL-Only leagues and keepers.  Wouldn’t surprise me to see January Grey write a sleeper post about Hudson for 2011.  Gets the Padres next and has mixed league matchup appeal.

Adam LaRoche – 3-for-6, 6 RBIs with two homers.  His cuckoo clock must’ve alerted him it’s August.

Dexter Fowler – Robbing what would of been Alfonso Soriano’s 2nd homer of the day, Fowler knocked hard against the wall.  As he was carted off the field, I began to look for replacements for him.  My guess is a 15-day DL stint.

Matt Lindstrom – As if there’s not enough closer news already, Brandon Lyon picked up the save yesterday because Lindstrom has a sore back.  You know I grabbed Lyon in a few leagues.

Jeremy Hellickson – First let’s see what Stephen had to say when he went over him, “Hellickson has a lively low 90′s MPH fastball that tops out at 95, a curve that is thrown between 77 and 79 mph, and a solid changeup…. Overall, he has been able to keep a good K-rate, above-average control, and is keeping the ball in the park fairly well.   A middle of the rotation pitcher is a definite reality.”  That was prior to his 2010 minor league season, but not much has changed.  In 117 2/3 IP of Triple-A this year, he has 123 Ks, only 35 walks and a 2.45 ERA.  He’s getting the well-deserved start today vs. the Twins.  That’s the good news.  And there’s a lot of it.  I’ll be tuning in to watch him pitch.  The bad news is he doesn’t have a spot in the rotation.  After the start, he may be sent back down until September.

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  After the game, Ozzie said, “Don’t even get me started on Caucasians.”

Edwin Jackson – Shame on you, White Sox.

Jorge Cantu – I already went over the Cantu trade, but since then it was revealed that Cantu would platoon with rookie, Mitch Moreland.  The Rangers need a rookie lefty in the lineup at all times?  Very confusing move.  Feel like it’s taking righty/lefty splits too far.  Either way, this hurts Cantu value, which was margin already.

James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks.  If you started him vs. the Yankees, you deserved this start.  But you probably didn’t so now you hate him even more than when you were starting him and he was putting up a near-5 ERA.  He’s totally messing with you.  Hey, don’t shoot the messenger.

Jeanmar Gomez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He had a 5.70 ERA in the minors.  That’s a red flag with a skull and crossbones on it.

Chris Perez – Will now take over full-time closing duties for the Indians.  He’ll be a Brain Freeze in this afternoon’s Closer Look, but he could perform like a Donkeycorn the rest of the way.  Oh, and for people who understood that last sentence, thanks for reading.  Pour some out for the people who read Donkeycorn and were like, “What the eff is this guy talking about?  I’m going back to ESPN.”

Jake Westbrook – Scary thing is this, Westbrook, Kearns and Wood is what the Indians had to trade.  Even Houston had Oswalt and Berkman.  Maybe Duncan can do the voodoo that he do, but I wouldn’t grab Westbrook outside of NL-Only leagues until I saw him go.

Kerry Wood – For the first time ever, Yanks and Wood in the same sentence isn’t going to be a pleasant experience for male Yankee fans.

Dan Haren was traded to the Angels for a terrible pitcher and some prospects.  On a real baseball note, the Diamondhacks got had like they were taking cards from Ricky Jay.  I think the desert sun’s baked their brains.  To make a deal in the major leagues, you see what the Yankees will give you then you dangle that deal in front of all other clubs. The Yankees will give us their top prospect and dinner with Rudy Giuliani, can you beat that?  Here’s our top prospect and Bobby Grich will do your personal taxes for two years.  Deal!  On a fantasy note, this is about as lateral of a move Haren owners could’ve hoped for.  The league change is a negative, but the park change is a positive.  Also, if your pitcher gets traded into the AL, the AL West is the place for them.  The M’s and A’s are weak and the Rangers are less strong away from Arlington (the Angels are done playing in Arlington until the last weekend of the season).  The Angels do get the Red Sox twice, but also the O’s, Royals and Indians.  The only real red flag for Haren is his 1st/2nd half splits, but that was a problem prior to the trade.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before going into the roundup, I wanted to tell everyone our fantasy football site is doing sign ups for their fantasy leagues.  Anyway II, here’s the roundup:

Joe Saunders – The move to the NL doesn’t make him more attractive.  A move to the Taiwanese Little League team wouldn’t make him more attractive.

Torii Hunter – 2-for-4 with a homer as he pulled off some Multiplicity shizz.

Magglio Ordonez -  While he’s shelved for two months, he can work on what’s really important, growing out his jheri curl mullet.  Bring back the Soul Glo!  Immediately when I saw the Tigers three hole hitter was knocked out for 2 months the first thing I thought was, is Leyland really going to bat the .280 OBP Ryan Raburn third for two months?  He did for the first game of the doubleheader.  We shall see.

Carlos Guillen – Off to the DL or as they call it in the Guillen household, “Daddy day care.”

Ryan Raburn – The Magglio/Guillen injuries should give a couple new guys regular time, but the only interesting one is Raburn.  (Will Rhymes is interesting for his steals, but I don’t think he gets enough playing time.  BTW, no relation to Busta.)  Raburn hit 16 homers in 261 ABs last year.  His homers per fly balls was a bit out of whack, but if he gets hot, he can provide some pop.  In AL-Only leagues, obviously you take what you can get.  In mixed leagues, I wouldn’t touch him until he starts hitting.

Orlando Hudson – To the DL with yawnstipation.  Wait, checking my notes.  Oh, he strained his oblique.  If he were on the Mets, he would’ve played tomorrow, then sat out for a week, then played, then sat out for five games, then played.

Kevin Slowey – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the O’s.  Since this was against a terrible team, it doesn’t instill any confidence.

Jason Kubel – 3-for-5 with a grand slam.  I ranked Kubel high in my midseason fantasy rankings because of his propensity for 2nd half thunder.  Cust kayin’.

Carlos Gonzalez – 1-for-5 with 3 Ks and has been struggling for the last week.  Rockies should trade Brad Hawpe for a new finger for CarGo.

J.A. Happ – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  A just okay return for a guy I’m not high on (unlike this glue I’m huffing).  Happ has 12 walks and 9 Ks in 15 1/3 IP.  You shouldn’t need more.

Coco Crisp – 1-for-3 with 2 steals and 6 steals in the last week. Coco Quik!  Gotta love when a player knows how he provides fantasy value and gives it to you.

Ben Sheets – To the DL as he took one for all the Bennis Carpensheeters out there.  (BTW, The White Sox middle man, Erick Threets’ name sounds like a portmanteau of injured players too.)

Michael Wuertz – Wuertz has now picked up his 2nd save in four days as Bailey deals with back problems.  Though Bailey said he should return on Tuesday, I picked up Wuertz everywhere I could.  He’s heavy!

Brett Anderson – Should return on Friday.  I’d be careful with the first start back, but I would own Anderson since when he’s healthy, he’s nasty.

R.A. Dickey – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He left the game with a strained buttock after stepping in a mound ditch made by Kershaw.  Hoping for the NY Post headline, “Dickey In A Hole, Strains Butt.”

Kenley Jansen – This converted catcher is giving herbathrowdites everywhere a good name.  He got his first save as Broxton recoups from his two inning outing on Saturday.  Leave it to Torre to rest Broxton during save chances because he was overworked then to throw him for two innings.  Jansen could be a fun MR pickup for Holds and Ks, but he’s not suddenly the closer.

Buster Posey – 4-for-5 and now batting .371.  Pray he doesn’t ask for advice from Soto and Wieters on how to follow up his rookie year.

Barry Enright – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Still don’t trust him but he does go into Metco next time out.  That’s a decent gamble in some leagues.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (1 Hit), 7 Ks.  Facing the top hitting club in the NL, the Reds, and he does this after getting shelled by the Cubs last time out.  The Wandwagon’s shocks are causing for a bumpy ride.

Chris Johnson – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer this week.  Yeah, he’s a mixed league pickup now.  As they say in the porn industry, all aboard the Johnson!

Mike Leake – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He was in Friday’s Sell.  How did you know, Grey?  Please dish. Well, random italicized voice, I didn’t know he’d pitch poorly, but his innings will soon be limited.  And maybe he will pitch poorly going forward because he’s young and might be tiring.

Chris Denorfia – 2-for-5 with his fourth homer this week.  In the broad sense, he sucks.  In the specific as-of-right-now sense, he’s hot and could help you for a few days while he’s hitting and starting.

Joel Hanrahan – Being reported by Buster Olney that he will take over for Dotel if a trade goes down.  Olney’s forgotten more than I’ll ever know.  Like when he forgot where his keys were to his money green El Dorado, I didn’t even know he had an El Dorado.

Troy Glaus – 1-for-4 as he hits .204 in July with zero homers.  Belch.

Curtis Granderson – 2-for-4 with 2 homers and a steal.  He has a modest five game hitting streak.  Could end the season with a 20 homers and 15 steals.  Right now he’s at 9/8.  Do the math!

Phil Hughes – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  This start might’ve been slightly shortened by rain, but, since the Yanks won’t try and push him, you should expect similar lines going forward.  Ron Washington, “Someone say lines?!”

Reid Brignac – 1-for-3 with his 4th homer in the last week.  Own while hot.

Rick Ankiel – 3-for-4 with his first homer since coming back.  In most mixed leagues, I’d wait to see more.

Scott Podsednik – 2 homers and 4 RBIs.  After the game, he told a reporter, “And I got a hot wife.  WHAT?!”  Then again, that’s his answer to everything.

Chone Figgins – 2-for-3 with a steal as he’s played in both games since him and Wakamatsu fought in the dugout.  Talks are now underway for Figgy and Wakamatsu to star in the re-remake of The Karate Kid.