So it’s the dog days of summer, your team sucks and you’re starting to follow Razzball Football to see which 3rd string right tackle might make the special teams roster. Hey, just because you took my advice and drafted Josh Rutledge in the 5th round and screwed your team up doesn’t mean baseball season is over! Prospect Scott was on today’s podcast and they look at some prospects who could help with your stretch run, as well as some gamers for 2014. All this while Scott was sweating out the booze from Lollapalooza in his Honda waiting to get a hot Italian beef for lunch. Just sounds weird to me. (Honestly, I had no idea Lollapalooza was still going on either. Did Soundgarden headline?) As for me and Nick… Well, we’ve gone full Red Sox Nation at this blog recently. It’s like the Ghost of Johnny Pesky has taken over and advising him is Ted Williams’ head in a jar. For the third time in the last week, we talk about Xander Bogaerts. Why? Because he’s going to be bananas good and he plays a position that boosts his value even more and the Red Sox are going to call him up shortly. Or rather third basely. Nick and I also talked about the suspensions and why football sucks. I lose it for the better part of forty-five seconds recounting what a friend of mine wrote on his Facebook wall. We’re so high school! That’s not to say you shouldn’t go join one of our fantasy football leagues. I’m sure Sky, JB and team are a bunch 0f lovely individuals. Anyway, here’s the Razzball Podcast (now with a little extra vitriol — word of the day!):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Trade deadline is approaching so we figured, you know, we should talk about it. Nick got Smokey and Tom locked in the Fantasy Octagon (which isn’t 99.999999% as dangerous, but don’t tell the combatants) and after much prodding got them to fisticuffs over which bullpens will be in flux with the trade deadline looming. “Huston Street ain’t going nowhere!” “Oh yeah? Well I’m gonna armbar you ’til Steve Cishek gets traded!” They also discussed Tom’s recent trip to Bolivia and Smokey’s recent trip to Trenton. A women’s prison and Pork Roll within a half mile? I’m going Trenton. Rudy was supposed to join us to discuss deadline strategies, but he came down with a case of the family-was-out-of-the-house-all-day-so-I-downloaded-a-boatload-of-porn-itis, so I filled in for a double segment. You, “Can I get an order of moustachioed advice please? Wait, what? I can supersize it! Yes please!” We also talked trading deadline news. In the spirit of the trading season, I went to the Salvation Army and traded a dirty pair of boxers for a pair of parachute pants then was told that wasn’t how it worked and I declared war on the Salvation Army. We also discussed my penchant for giving away coveted rookies in keeper leagues to try to win for the current year. When they were all rookies, I had Braun, Prince, Reyes and Hanley in an NL only keeper, but, hey, at least I finished 5th that one year and got my league fee back. Finally, we talked about my trip to Indiana. Anyway, here’s the Razzball Podcast (now with July 31st implications):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I know a lot of writers want Beddict gone, but my kind of beef will f%#k up ya grill and not the kind you put franks on. Greetings all!!! Tis I, Tehol, Razzball’s head to head expert, points league expert, fantasy football champion, and the most prestigious male model/fantasy writer in the world. I come to you today even more full of testosterone than usual for I just devoured 2 dozen oysters and injected some moose testosterone. Do you worship the ground Wil Myers walks on? If so you will like this post. If you are obsessed with Twilight, Kristen Stewart, or her character Bella, then you may have stumbled across the wrong article. Quick side-note. How many MF’ing people am I going to meet with dogs named Bella? Or kids for that matter!?!? Yeah, it seemed like a cool name before the books/films caught on like wild fire and now there’s 3.2 million people with Pit bulls named Bella. Don’t be ashamed people. JUST CHANGE IT!! Let’s move on.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

And I had no part in it. I’m not a morning person…or afternoon, really. Shoot, there’s some nights where I pretend I’m a morning person at night so people don’t think I’m not a night person either. Eye-thurr way! Nick had to go to a funeral, so he needed to tape the podcast about four hours before I wake up on the West Coast and about three hours before Rudy rises in Austin, so he went it alone and with some fellow Razzball East Coasters, JB and JayWrong. I don’t know why Nick doesn’t just record my high-pitched laugh and sprinkle it throughout the podcast and it would be like I’m there anyway. “Hey, Grey, what do you think of Henry Urrutia?” *high-pitched cackle* And that’s it. So, JB went in-depth on the top 5 starters he’s buying for the rest of the season. One guy is Rick Porcello? Oh, JB, I’ve polluted your mind with my Porcello love. At one point, JB got deep into advanced stats and Nick had to remind him that “radio” doesn’t cover math. Those are calculators, JB. Geez! JayWrong joined the hulla-on-the-blue and went over his top 100 2013 fantasy baseball keeper list. Matt Kemp at 9? Josh Donaldson at 43? Kyle Seager at 54? Who made this list? Oh, wait, JayWrong did. (BTW, hulla-on-the-blue is my trademarked phrase, but I encourage you to use it. Just send me a nickel when you do.) Anyway, here’s the Razzball podcast (now with some extra morning yawns):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

On today’s podcast I talked about Yasiel Puig, the greatest raftee Major League Baseball has ever seen. We didn’t talk at all about the All-Star Game drama, because, brucely, I don’t care much for it. I think the All-Star Game is an exhibition and should be treated as one. It’s for the fans and things like Leyland only putting up middle relievers for the fan vote is disgraceful. Like fans want to vote for middle infielders. Fantasy baseballers in Holds leagues don’t want to vote for middle relievers. Fans vote for the starters, so why not just take the player with the most votes who just missed making the team and put him on it? Because then there wouldn’t be articles written about the fan vote or people talking about it (guilty as charged!). So, that’s the stuff I do not talk about on the podcast. Instead, I talked about what we can expect of Puig this year and next year. Also, stopping by was Eric, the league manager who brought together the RCL Champions League. The RCL Champions League is the greatest collection of IQ since Mensa held their convention at Carhenge, a Stonehenge replica made of cars in Nebraska. I’m not sure what’s stranger…the fact that the world’s intelligentsia are into strange tourist attractions or that Nebraska is a real place. I thought it was a made-up state from The Big Bang Theory. Wait, are you telling me Johnny Galecki isn’t a super genius? Any the hoo! We thought it would be funny to throw Nick in the Champions League this year and watch him get his Canadian beaver tail whipped. I’m not sure what’s stranger… that Nick is two points out of first place or that Canada is a real place. Then Rudy stopped by to fill us in on why The Machine is in love with Matt Joyce, Joe Blanton and Ian Kennedy because even their mommas have trouble loving them this much. Anyway, here’s the Razzball Podcast (now with Pweeg falling off the Grey Mind tree):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It’s officially the mid-way point of the season (you know, 81 game mark in 162 game season) and with the long weekend coming up, Nick got lazy with this week’s installment, rather, more lazy. A podcast on a Wednesday? What is this France? Any the hoo! Nick had JB and JayWrong on at the same time to battle it out in a match of “Guess who’s projections these are.” JayWrong wiped the floor with JB; JB said it was because he was hungry. I heard the fight between JB and JayWrong gets completely out of control, but I wouldn’t know because I’m on by myself. Why do I feel like the special needs kid that is tutored separately from all of his friends and is told, “Grey, you need special attention, because you’re creative in ways the other kids aren’t.” I used the name Grey there, but I’ve never actually heard that line said to me. I’m not special at all. Quite ordinary. Singing John Legend, “We’re just ordinary PEOPLE!” Man, I love that song. Rudy comes on the ‘cast and talks about similar halfway mark stats jazz, then I talk about everyone’s favorite player that they own or least favorite player that they don’t own, Chris Davis. Then I drop on you a surprising buy for the 2nd half. A guy you haven’t heard me say I like in the last 24 months or so. I also drop into your eardrums my biggest sell for the 2nd half. It’s a doozy or my name isn’t Cousin Brucie. Finally, Rhino Energy wanted to help Razzballers party like animals all weekend so they’re giving away a case of Rhino Energy drinks to the person who comments first with the trivia answer to: What European country, and home of Rhino Energy, is known for its fall festival where ample-bosomed waitresses serve you steins of beer? Anyway, here’s the Razzball Podcast (now with JayWrong and JB applying oil to their arms and legs so they can grapple):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The guy who created my new (now old) avatar also did ones for Rudy and Nick (they’re all below the fold), and that got us talking about comics. I never read comics as a yute, so I’m good for nothing in this conversation, but I have a serious question for those that did read comics in high school. Did you know it was going to make it harder to get a girl or did you only want to date girls who thought it was fine to read comics? This is coming from a guy whose only reading was the chyrons at the bottom left side of the screen for music videos. “Little Grey, what are you doing?” “Reading, mama. Cher. If I Could Turn Back Time. Album: Heart of Stone. Label: Geffen.” I’m not saying comic book reading is bad, but there was a stigma, and at the gentle age of high school I think that stigma is obvious. BTW, if you say you hid comic book reading from girls, you can’t hide that sorta thing. This is more for 30-or-olders, as I think comic book reading doesn’t have the stigma it once did. Shoot, they even have new names for them –> graphic novels, which just sounds cool. Whatever ad exec that came up with the term ‘graphic novel’ should be hired by the National Board of Herpes to reinvent itself. Fantasy baseball was also discussed, names like Greinke and Kipnis and Sammy Sosa, not the bleached blonde one, the original recipe Sosa. Scott, the Prospect Whisperer, joined the podcast to talk about a few players who might be joining their parent clubs sooner rather than later. JB discussed all things Draft Kingsy and Rudy no showed. Apparently, he had a tickle in his throat. Can’t let that man out on the weekend! BTW, don’t you love how Nick is like Channing Tatum, the comic. Nick’s graphic novel would have the emphasis on graphic. Just call him Magic Nick. Anyway, here’s the Razzball Podcast (now in anime):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Hello, Razzball nation, welcome back for another fantasy baseball podcast where Nick and I talk about cruise ships. If that doesn’t help you win your league, you may never. I’m sorry, knowing which countries Nick used to visit when he was a cruise ship director is dire shizz. Think of it this way: do you go with Nick Franklin or Josh Rutledge? Look at the Player Rater or the Hitter-Tron? Or go by Nick’s tales of the high seas? Think the answer is pretty obvious here. I’m told there was fantasy baseball talk on the rest of the show, but first a stand-up comic and stylist to pro athletes, Robert Jodoin, joined Nick as the first ever in-studio guest. They discussed what type of athletes want what type of clothes (surprise: hockey players like flannel). Also, Robert is officially available to Razzball Nation as a style consultant. He’ll help pick out what blazer to wear with your sweatpants. Then, Rudy and Nick discussed how the combination of Rudy’s tools are now affectionately being called “The Machine.” (I thought this was Andre the Giant in a mask, but Nick says, “Watch an episode of Person of Interest.” I don’t know what that is, but I’m gonna assume it’s something you watch. Context clues!) And how The Machine likes Travis Snider and John Danks. Who took The Machine to Tijuana and messed up its circuits with tequila? Let’s just say, the Hitter-Tron is a bad influence. Oh, and Nick sold the studio sponsorship to a divorce lawyer in Dallas. In related news, I may get married in Dallas to save myself some legwork. Anyway, here’s the Razzball Podcast (now with a fashion stylist — are we E?):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

JayWrong hijacks the podcast in protest of Steve Byrne of TBS’s Sullivan and Son coming on the podcast because his Razzball contract states that he’s the “official” half Irish-half Korean podcast guest. However, Steve quickly showed why JayWrong shouldn’t abandon his post for too long because in the ever-changing world of multimedia, the tides change quickly. Just look at how fast the environment changed compared to Al Gore’s use of PowerPoint. Brooksie from Shawshank would be totally lost. SteveWrong? Maybe if he’s not too careful. The “he” in that sentence can be read as either JayWrong or SteveWrong. Oh, and check out Season 2 of Sullivan and Son which airs this Thursday…Well, I was gonna say the time, but no one watches anything live, so set your DVR and watch whenever. Rudy joins the show and explains why the Hitter-Tron is so valuable right now. People have gotten accustom to streaming pitchers, but there’s a market inefficiency right now for streaming hitters — take advantage. I think if you’re not using the Stream-o-Nator or Hitter-Tron you’re using Razzball 1.0 and we’re rolling with 3.0. Soon, when you open the site, it’s gonna say, “You’ve got mail.” Hey, curve, we’re ahead of you. Also Rudy promises to provide documentation to figure out how to use all the tools optimally. I guess he doesn’t realize everyone would prefer he just do a tutorial on YouTube. Who reads docs? I don’t even have time to spell out the whole word for docs. Then I come on to talk about Bobby Brown and Suge Knight. Anyway, here’s the Razzball podcast (now with SteveWrong):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I sat out today’s podcast due to inclement weather (not true). It was raining here and I felt blue (still not true; it never rains in Southern California, listen to Tony Toni Tone. I think I might’ve been kicked off the podcast due to my high-pitched squeal. I’m investigating lawsuits. “Honorable sir from Canada, I wish to be on my podcast?” “Will you promise not to cackle?” “Dah!”) Instead, underwear model, Tehol, joins the pod to discuss the waiver wire, but Nick suggests Tehol get one of his undergarment companies on board as an in-studio sponsor. Weird, I always imagined Nick already did the podcast in his underwear. I guess I can still imagine that. Also, Tehol goes into detail about how easy it is to score chicks as an underwear model. I’d say if you’re an underwear model and you can’t score chicks, you’re gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Also, author BJ Rudell joined Nick to discuss some overlooked baseball strategies and why co-ownership is the work of the devil. Then JB brings us the daily fantasy report and discusses how he killed it in the Play with Rudy from Razzball contest last week. Finally, Rudy tells us how to use his new tools, the Buysellatops and Platoony Tunes. (Only the Hitter-Tron tool needs you to tickle its balls to work.) If you just found this post by typing into Google “gay” + “fantasy podcast” + “BJ” + “underwear model” + “tickle its balls.” Welcome! We don’t judge! Anyway, here’s the Razzball podcast (now with BJ & The Bear, Nick):

Please, blog, may I have some more?