On today’s podcast, Nick recounts the ups and downs of his journey across ‘Murica. If Nick was doing this journey to collect a Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes, we’d all say he was crazy, Alexander Payne would film it and Bruce Dern would play Nick to great critical acclaim. In reality, Nick’s doing it for a podcast. This isn’t crazier?! Get Payne on the hotline, we got ourselves a sequel to Nebraska! “So, the year is 2014, and flying cars haven’t yet been invented. Instead, our lead, everyman, Nick, is in a van and driving from Canada to Arizona to do a podcast over the phone to save on international calling.” “You know, I was having lunch with James Toback the other day and he was looking for a project. Can we get Neve Campbell to play Nick in drag?” “It’s a new direction, but I like it!” Besides the cross-country shenanigans of Nick and his K-Mart mannequin he dressed up and named Blake, we talk about some players who are off to hot starts — hello, Dee Gordon! — and some players who are currently screwing la pooch — I hate you, Edwin Encarnacion! Also, mentioned are Adam Eaton, Grady Sizemore, Scott Kazmir, and many, many, many more guys (maybe three more). Anyway, here’s the Razzball Podcast (now with tales from the road):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I know, you’re mostly thinking every minute of the day that my number one contribution to the world is my mustache. Number two is my fantasy baseball ‘pertness. Number three though, you don’t know, but I reveal it on today’s podcast. It’s both uncanny and very, very uncanny. Two very’s. Nick’s mind is blown, but will yours? (Yes, it will.) Also, we go over Mark Trumbo and how he will probably hit 178 homers this year; we touch on Tyler Skaggs in the non-sexual way; I explain to the world why I want the Mariners to win the World Series and drop some drool on Taijuan Walker‘s punim. Oh, and Nick can’t believe marijuana is legal in Colorado. Hopefully, he can now pass the Razzball urine test. It’s not your standard urine test, if you test negative, you get fired. You must test positive for some kind of drugs. Anyway, here’s the Razzball Podcast (now with me even more renaissance):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Rudy and I put aside our differences in ADP and got on the podcast together. After 2 years, Rudy and I both realized we should be on ground lines. I think the sound quality is excellent, except for this weird cackle coming from my connection. I know my laugh doesn’t sound like that! There’s no way! Nick, Rudy and I touch on (non-sexually) Junior Lake, Adam Jones, Sonny Gray and Billy Hamilton. Also, you need a little back story on one of the sections of the podcast. Before I get on the show, Nick asks me if there’s anything specifically I want to talk about. Well, this time I fed him a question about a hotheaded 3rd baseman competing behind Will Middlebrooks — C.T. Tamburello. Oh, and because someone’s gotta pay for JayWrong’s dating life, we also have on the RotoDerby guy. Anyway, here’s the Razzball Podcast (now with Rudy saying bad things about Sonny Gray and me not standing for it):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Eh’s were wild today as the Canadian mafia got together for the podcast with Nick joined by Jonah Keri. I wonder if Bret “The Hitman” Hart was invited, but got blown off in yet another screw job. I also join the show to discuss the start of Razzball Radio and my luscious manstache. I don’t use any special products for its sheen, just your run-of-the-mill mayonnaise. I do want to take a second and discuss the sacrifices Nick has taken in order to make Razzball Radio a reality. He quit his job, sold his house, moved his family to ‘Murica and jumped into this thing feet first. Why? Because he’s absolutely crazy. Seriously, not one of you is a career counselor to try to screw Nick’s head on straight? The man has lost it. It being everything. Right now, I’m miming the ‘crazy sign’ when you rotate your finger by your ear. But, you know what, we like crazy here at Razzball. Anyway, here’s the Razzball Podcast (now with nostalgic tales of the Expos):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Nick welcomed me back for our first fantasy baseball podcast of 2014. Rudy was at SXSW (SWSX? I always confuse that acronym), so it was Nick and me with me updating Nick on what had happened in the last six months on the fantasy baseball front. He didn’t ask about my wedding, and now that I think about it, he didn’t come to my wedding after being invited. I wonder if Nick is jealous of the Cougs. I’ve love to see that Jell-O wrestling match, is that weird? Could they do it in pudding? Is that less weird? I had to fill in Nick that Matt Kemp wasn’t a 2nd rounder and that Wil Myers and Yasiel Puig are good. I tried to keep the sarcasm to a level 4, but at points I feel myself going into the red. Nick, being Canadian, does know maple syrup, and, for that reason, this podcast got its title and its thick, rich flavor. Also, Nick dropped clues that there’s a big surprise coming next week. Even I don’t know what it is (I know). Anyway, here’s the Razzball Podcast (with me trying to find out if there’s special maple syrup that Canadians keep for themselves):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The gang got back together for one last podcast of the year (though we might do one in December when players start getting traded and whatnot), and it was a blast (was not a blast)! First, Rudy said this and then I said that and Nick said actually. To think, before Thomas Einstein there was no such thing as podcasts. Or was it Albert Graham Bell? Any the hoo! On today’s podcast, we talked about the best and worst that 2013 had to offer. I mentioned Paul Goldschmidt only a few bazillion times and that wasn’t even half as many times that I mentioned how I beat Rudy in our league. All in all, a fine afternoon spent with old friends. That’s what you should say after you listen to our ramblings. Nick also revealed plans to move to Florida and I revealed plans for my bachelor party that is coming in ten days. I hope to return from Vegas after said trip with a few more mental scars. “Yelp is giving good reviews for a place called The Glory Hole. Says you have to try the breasts.” That’s us planning our next move prior to not remembering anything. On the podcast, we also mention some rookies for next year — Billy Hamilton anyone? — and who we are avoiding for next year. Anyway, here’s the Razzball podcast (now with us waxing poetic):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

So this is the next to last baseball podcast of the regular season. There’s still a big gala podcast at the end of the year. LT usually comes wearing a toga and carrying a chicken. Last year, JB wore a tuxedo and we all pointed and laughed, Smokey brought his sponsor and Nick flew down with a couple of Canadian beavers and a bottle of maple syrup… good times, sticky, but good. But for this episode we wanted to give you something punchy, something current… so what did Nick do? He went and did a 2014 mock draft with JB for all of you people out of it. I wonder where JB drafted Ryan Dempster. I’d give it a listen while I made Josh Hamilton and Jason Heyward voodoo dolls. (Good thing you’re not making an Andrew McCutchen voodoo doll because dreads are real tough to make for a doll; not that I’d know… I hate you, Whoopi Goldberg doll!). So with all your hope gone, Nick decided to shine a teeny, tiny little flashlight (the kind you can clip to your belt buckle) of hope on your otherwise dreary fantasy baseball day. Miggy or Trout at #1? Who’s the first pitcher off the board? Does Paul Goldschmidt go 3rd? Also this week is the FINAL “Play with Rudy from Razzball” contest over at Draft Kings and Nick sold one of his kidneys to get them to put more money in the kitty. He tried to sell his liver, but the black market doctor just laughed at him. After the black market doctor patted his brow, why are shady doctors always sweaty? Put on a fan! Get in the contest, it’s cheaper than chipping in for Nick’s kidney surgery! Anyway, here’s the Razzball Podcast (now with JB subbing in as ‘we’):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I couldn’t be a part of the podcast today because I was getting fitted for wedding dresses in NYC this weekend. I love reality based shows and thought “Why can’t I be part of Say Yes To The Dress? Even if it was to tell a large girl, ‘Nuh-uh, baby doll, you aren’t working that, no way, Jose Canseco.'” Also, my favorite musical song to sing to myself is I’m pretty, oh, so pretty. Nature fit, right? Nick decided that he should do a “freestyle” podcast because it’s too early to care about what players will do in 2014 and too late to help your stank ass team. JayWrong and Nick got together to discuss some of their 2013 baseball predictions, but the show got side tracked because they both forgot to take their meds and they wound up discussing Jay’s fragile love life and how DC is full of emo-hipster chicks. If Lisa Loeb is there, ring her up. She’s desperate for companionship. (BTW, Can you be both emo and hipster at the same time? Isn’t that like being “country” and “backwoods” at the same time? You’re goth and weird? No, you are just weird. I never got the goth thing. Are you trying to make yourself less attractive? Don’t reproduce. It’s fine with me.) Rudy and Nick discussed our RCL Expert and Champion Leagues. Apparently all RCL Leagues have no caps on transactions simply to give me a fighting chance in the Expert League. They then talked about how Rudy and I were doing in other experts leagues and Rudy started crying and playing emo-goth-hipster music. He recovered in time to decree he’d never again draft “A player named Upton” no matter how good BJ, the 3rd becomes. Anyway, here’s the Razzball podcast (now with JayWrong casually mentioning his availability even though we only have one girl listener; dude, try a singles bar):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Said like Denzel from Training Day, “Chutes and Ladders ain’t got nothing on us!” Nick decided to pore over stats like he pores over pornography and come up with this really neat — his word — game called, Fact or Fiction. Here’s how it works: he says some random stat for some random player than another random stat for another random player to prove how great or poor one of the players has been doing. Example: Chris Stewart has more steals than Jason Heyward. Fact or Fiction? It’s a lot easier to play if you can just Google the answer. Yes, I see you Googling. Stop Googling! By the way, does anyone use Bing? Do you call it Binging? Bing’ing? Chuck Berry messing with my Bing-a-ling? Cool story, brah. Nick does this game with Rudy and I, separately. I’m going to see if we can get all three of us on the same podcast maybe one more time this year. That’s if Rudy will lift his court order. My favorite part of Fact or Fiction is you can hear Rudy and I thinking. My thinking sounds like this, “Um…” Rudy’s thinking sounds like this, “Hmmm…” Maybe one day someone will remix our thoughts all proper — I’m hinting in your direction David Guetta, if you’re a reader. Of course you are. We’re hip, I know. Anyway, here’s the Razzball Podcast (now with truths and un-truths):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Oh, him! Yeah, you’ve never heard of him. That’s okay, we have and you should. Spencer is co-founder and CEO of Classic Baseball, LLC whose business is pitcher injuries. That’s right; they know what you wish your local GM knew when he signed that kid with the funky delivery to the bajillion dollar contract. They basically watch a ton of tape and look for mechanical flaws. Kinda like how JayWrong watches a ton of porn and looks for mechanical flaws. Or how Tony Gwynn watches a ton of Food Network shows. Spencer consults directly with six major league teams about which pitchers will get injured. His success rate is above, say, Verducci and his eponymous nonsense. I’m going to try and get Spencer on again before next season to see if we can’t get some insider information about which pitchers are trouble areas for injuries, but right now Spencer is promoting a real-time baseball app that you use to try to predict outcomes of the game when you’re in the ballpark. For instance, you’re in San Francisco and Lincecum’s on the mound, so you predict he’s going to get out of the inning in three batters and take four bong hits between innings (bong hits may or may not be included in the game). Watch out, Candy Crush! The real question is, with all these talents, can Spencer write blog posts? I’m serious. Everybody’s fired. Me included. In other podcast news, I’m on talking about Jason Heyward, Chris Davis, Yu Darvish, Jose Fernandez and Matt Harvey. All the sexy names you know and love, plus Heyward. Heyward can go *bleep* bleep* bleep* in his *bleeping* *bleep*. Anyway, here’s the Razzball podcast (now with some doode who went to Oxford — la di da!):

Please, blog, may I have some more?