As Alex Rodriguez rehabs down in Miami, the heat (oofa!) is on his gambling habits. “According to the baseball executive, MLB has yet to positively determine that Rodriguez took part in the (poker) games, which reportedly included actors Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, John Malkovich and that guy in that movie starring that other guy.” Poker is a game played by men or women who will beat your ass, so you know A-Rod is only getting invited to these games because he’s probably the world’s worst poker player.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Derek Jeter left yesterday’s game with a Grade 1 strain of his calf as reported by ESPN, ESPN 2, ESPN News, ESPN U., ESPN Deportes and on the ticker at the bottom of the screen while they aired Mr. 3000 on ABC. Yes, I’m just as bad for even talking about it. Hey, pot, what’s up? Kettle, here. You black? Whatever, it was a slow day yesterday in fantasy baseball — shoot, Justin Ruggiano was almost the lead. Member a few years ago when people were talking about how Jeter could get to 4,000 hits? I’d be surprised now to see him get to 3,400. Dorian Gray paint is starting to fade. You read me? Yeah, you do. My guess is Jeter will avoid the DL and make us endure more 3,000 hit talk after he rests his veal for a few days. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Russell Martin – Scratched with back stiffness. See, I’m usually scratched with back itchiness.Please, blog, may I have some more?
It’s back again, but this time for longer. No, you won’t need any ointment, it’s just interleague play. It starts at the tail end of this week and continues into week 12. I am still not a fan for fantasy porpoises.Please, blog, may I have some more?
News comes that Dustin Pedroia might need surgery on his knee that could sideline him for at least a month. Knee surgery sounds like something that sidelines people for multiple months, even Sparky Anklebiters. Though sometimes Sparky Anklebiters can get so amped with leave-it-all-on-the-fieldness that they lose sight of the big picture and rush back too soon. You know, they try to chew through the cone around their head and don’t heal properly. We know you’re scrappy, Dustin, stop biting on your paw! If he rushes and comes back in July, then he could miss a few more weeks with a setback. Basically, what I’m saying is, you want him to just get sidelined for two months and come back healthy in August. It’s not like what he was giving you now can’t be replaced. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Anthony Rizzo – The San Diego Padres have something to be excited about. No, Tony Gwynn didn’t announce he’s becoming a competitive eater. No, they didn’t put a giant afro on the Western Metal Supply Co.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Kendrys Morales is out for another 6 months with surgery to remove scar tissue. Who was the first surgeon to operate on him? Dr. Nick Riviera? Hey, boys and three girls! Bummer for the Los Angeles Angels of Not Los Angeles County…I mean, hello, Trumbo. Giddy up, snitches! The Sciosciapath has to play Trumbo now, right? I mean, probably. Can’t put anything over on that sly fox. And by ‘sly,’ I mean dumb. And by ‘fox,’ I mean not a fox. If you’re hurting for a corner man, this should be all the incentive you need to sound the Trumbo. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Grady Sizemore – It’s the return of Wounded Knee. Sizemore went for an MRI for his knee pain. In other news, water is wet, taco diarrhea burns and astronaut ice cream is delicious. If you own Sizemore, consider therapy to find out why you keep trying to hurt yourself with your life choices. “Why’s everyone in my living room? I was just going to move Sizemore to my bench.” “Billy, have you thought about trading Sizemore for a pitcher?” “No! He makes me feel special! I hate all of you!” “Why can’t you just do crank like your brother?!” That’s you on the show Intervention when your family confronts you about your fantasy draft choices. Now Sizemore’s MRI says (yes, the MRI talks) his knee is fine. Right. So let him play a few days, then you trade him. He’s not going to run this year, so what do you have with Grady? You have Beltran, Jason Kubel or a host of other some power, no speed outfielders. You don’t have the 30/30 Sizemore of yesteryear (2008).Please, blog, may I have some more?
In honor of Cinco de Mayo, I won’t mention it again because I don’t know what it means other than most bars have deals on tequila shots. What I will talk about is the pitchers that are getting lucky thus far according to their xFIP. If you don’t know what the xFIP I’m talking about. Read the following: xFIP — stands for Expected Fielding Independent Pitching. It’s basically ERA without those pesky fielders helping or hurting you. It’s a pure ERA. It’s like when you go to the Supercuts and then you don’t want to shower for like 2 weeks because you’ll never get your hair styled again like Jeffrey does it. It’s your hair right after Jeffrey styles it and before you wash it. That’s xFIP. Okay, so let’s take a Exhibit A pitcher, who has an ERA of 2.75, but his xFIP is a 6.75. A -4.00 difference. That means he’s been very lucky and there’s a good chance his ERA is going to go way up. So here’s a list of pitchers with the biggest difference between their actual ERAs and their xFIPs for the first month or so of the fantasy baseball season.Please, blog, may I have some more?
These guys are ON FIRE…will they stay hot?
Ben Zobrist – He has been a sort of “super-sub” who’s managed to get a full season’s worth of at-bats over the past couple of seasons. His usefulness has been derived mostly from his flexibility, as he currently qualifies at 1B, 2B, and OF.Please, blog, may I have some more?
At least that’s the creed that Francona and Epstein keep repeating to themselves as they sit in the fetal position on opposite corners of the clubhouse shower. Carl Crawford seems like a nice guy. Something about the name Carl. So innocuous. “Hey, sis, what’s your new boyfriend’s name? Carl? I’m gonna like him on Facebook.” That’s you jibber-jabbering with your family. Because Carl seems like a nice guy could be partially why it’s so sad to see him struggle this much. Doode better not stand too close to the Pesky pole in a lightning storm cause he will get struck. That’s been his luck so far. Franconian measures were taken to get Crawford going by openly mocking him with a lineup switch. That never helps. It’s like when you’re a teenager and your Mom makes an appointment for you to see a dermatologist. Suddenly, you realize you’re not hiding your acne as good as you thought you were. Crawford is really doing nothing wrong other than getting extremely unlucky. That luck will turn around and he’ll suddenly look like the 2nd round pick he was in the preseason. To misquote a cliche, get in now while the gettin’s not good. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Justin Smoak – I just went over my Smoak fantasy. I wrote it riding on the back of a bicycle through downtown Milwaukee while Shirley steered.Please, blog, may I have some more?
The other day I was feeling tired but not tired like I could sleep but tired like I wanted to lie in bed and have Rudy read me a bedtime story. So here’s what Rudy read to me, “Once upon a time, a very long time ago now, about last Friday, Neftali Feliz was the best closer in the major leagues. Then there was a buzzing noise. This buzzing noise meant something. You don’t get a buzzing noise like that, just buzzing and buzzing, without it meaning something. If there’s a buzzing noise, somebody’s making a buzzing noise, and the only reason for making a buzzing noise that I know of is because you’re a save vulture about to pick up Darren Oliver.” “Rudy, why do the save vultures want Darren Oliver?” “The only reason for being a save vulture that I know of is for stealing saves from closer carcasses and right now Neftali is a carcass for the next two weeks.” “But, Rudy, I own Neftali Feliz in a lot of leagues. In fact, he’s been my best pitcher in a lot of those leagues.” Long pause. “Grey, I’m going to read you a different story. I call this one, ‘Arthur Rhodes Will Steal Some Situational Saves from Darren Oliver.’” Anyway, here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball this weekend:
Ryan Madson – Jose Contreras, the Phillies closer and AARP Man of the Month of April, is headed to the DL. I’d grab Madson everywhere (shoot, I think I already owned him in some leagues), but keep it in mind that he is a Cuddle Boy. Speaking of which, can he enter the ninth inning with James Ingram’s Just Once playing? That would be so awesome. On the Jumbotron, a montage of the last scenes from The Last American Virgin could be playing, but instead of the kid paying for an abortion and driving home crying, it’s the Philliebot.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Ryan Franklin was replaced yesterday, but it came so begrudgingly, La Russa wouldn’t even announce who would replace him. GM Mozeliak held a knife to a squirrel’s neck to try and get La Russa to tell us who would be the closer and still nothing. “There’s only two things in this world I hold dear — my Mom and my word and I’m mum on both.” That was what I imagine La Russa said. Mitchell Boggs, CPA seems most likely to see the first chances. Behind him, Motte, then MLB’s poet laureate, Miguel Batista. Keep in mind, Franklin isn’t out of the picture completely either. La Russa is way too loyal to his guys. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Skip Schumaker – Headed to the DL with a hyperextended elbow. Somewhere, Shawn Michaels’ elbow says, “Pfft.”
Ian Stewart – Sent to Triple-A. Pretty sad move for me to hear. Mini-Mini Donkey was a one-time favorite. I was thinking how this is one of those moves that if you don’t play fantasy, you’re probably like whatevs. Deep thoughts with Grey Albright, I suppose.Please, blog, may I have some more?