Fantasy Baseball Advice

This is it, fellas and three girl readers. The last train is leaving the station. The giddy has just about got up and went. It’s your last chance and I’d throw every single pitcher, not just the ones I have listed here if it meant the difference in my league. You need to do what you do. The line for last week was 5.02 ERA, 1.66 WHIP, 57 Ks and 5 Wins in 77 IP.  Um, that’s hideous.  If I were to remove Eveland, Huff and Lincoln, ERA would drop to 3.52.  So most the damage was done by three guys.  Still, blech.  Let’s see if I can avoid recommending Lincoln for a third week!  To recap, these aren’t guys I’d drop anyone worthwhile to get, these starters are meant for streaming purposes and all of their ownership in ESPN is under 50%. These streamers are in no particular order. Also, in the final days of the season, managers juggle their lineups more, so there’s no guarantee all of these guys are listed on the right day. Anyway, here’s some borderline starters for this week in fantasy baseball:

Friday, September 23rd

Carl Pavano – Against the Indians this year, he’s been a Pava…yes.  See what I did there?  Spectacular!

Rick Porcello – The deal right now, in these last few days of September, is go big or go home or don’t go big and don’t go home.  In other words, you have to decide if you need to start a whole mess of guys to try and win, or if you can coast like the Phils.  Don’t fully trust Porcello but he’s better than some other schmohawks.

R.A. Dickey – He hasn’t been bad in two months and he gets the playoff-bound Phils.  I do tend to shy away from knuckleballers with Dickey being one.  (Must’ve been so hard for him growing up with a name like Dickey and being a knuckleballer.  I imagine it’s hard for anyone under the age of 45 to be a knuckleballer.  Knuckleballers don’t exactly pull the girls.  Or maybe they don’t pull girls so that’s why they become knuckleballers.  Deep thoughts with Grey Albright.)

Brett Myers – I nearly put Drew Pomenranz here too (his opponent).  One million ways to stream, choose one.

Aaron Harang – A few pitchers I liked for today were left off because they were just above 50% owned.  Basically, every pitcher on this Friday is a good spot start.

Saturday, September 24th

Cory Luebke – As good as Friday was for spot starters, Saturday’s that bad.  For full disclosure, I nearly suggested Jerome Williams, but then I thought about Jerome Williams and I decided nah.  Not a capital nah or a no way, just a small quiet nah.

Sunday, September 25th

Mike Minor – Not great matchups today either.  I mean, there’s some good pitchers going but they’re owned in more than 50% of leagues.  Minor’s at least good for some Ks.  BTW, this start could change if the Braves have already clinched.  Then Detwiler’s start vs them wouldn’t look as bad.

Edwin Jackson – Gave me a pretty lousy start last time he appeared in the borderline starter post (5 IP, 5 ER), but I’m a glutton for punishment.  Not gluten, gross.

Monday, September 26th

Randall Delgado – Will be a bit dependent on where the Braves are in the playoff race, but whether they’re in it or out of it, they’re going against the Phils who have packed it up.

Randy Wells – Only because he goes against the Padres in Petco.  On a related note, what are the Cubs doing in San Diego at the end of the season?  I can only imagine how well this would’ve went down if the Cubs were in the playoff chase… Okay, as hard as that is to imagine.

Brandon McCarthy – He’s only listed here because he was under 50% owned when I wrote this up.  I imagine by Monday he won’t be under 50% anymore.  He might not even be by today.

Jason Vargas – Him and McCarthy go against each other.  I don’t stream two pitchers in the same game, but chances are McCarthy will be gone and Vargas could throw a decent game, as well.

Tuesday, September 27th

Jeanmar Gomez – Sounds like a Swedish Latino, doesn’t he?  Swexicano?  Not the greatest of matchups with Gomez going against the Tigers if it wasn’t for the fact the Tigers will be resting for the playoffs.

Wednesday, September 28th

R.A. Dickey – Look at me, double dipping on Dickey this week.  That’s what she said!  Though I’m not sure why she would say that.  It’s not like it would reflect well on her.

Eric Surkamp – Unlike previous years, the Rockies folded up their blankets and checked out in August.  If Surkamp’s gone, I’d look at his opponent, Pomeranz, simply because the Giants aren’t that good.

Brett Myers – The last day of the season is actually a great day to stream pitchers.  Hitters take the last day off, managers bring in Triple-A hitters just to give them a chance to play, people check out, basically.

Brad Peacock – Thankfully, he’s not facing Dickey on the last day of the season because then my head would’ve exploded.  The one on my shoulders.

So it comes to this, the final countdown.  Cue Lou Gramm and let that blaze through your head as you listen to that classic from Foreigner.  If you read this in tune with that song, it’s almost like the Dark Side of the Moon/Wizard of Oz experience.  You have to read fast though.   I can’t believe the season is basically over as it seemed to fly by and I guess I missed all the fun.  This week is extended by 3 additional days so basically every pitcher you can think of goes twice during championship week. So there are tons of options and I just pulled my top 15 favorites based on pitching match-up favorability and my general guess work.  So as you read this, pitchers are in order of how they will appear in their first start of the week. Starting with 9/19. Check back mid-week as we will add a contribution for the last couple of games.  Good luck until Thursday.  Questions, comments or rants are greatly accepted.  (Pitchers and matchups will almost certainly occur this week due to teams clinching and whatnot.)

Kevin Millwood (SD vs. Luebke, @Hou vs. Norris) Was the starting pitching version of a pogo stick this year.  Found decent starts finally with his 4th team.  Last 5 starts ERA under 3.20.  Team scores runs, prolly better to score chicks, just my humble opine.

Mike Minor (@Fla vs. Nolasco, @Was vs. Wang) I was trying to get him to jump out of the birthday cake for Grey.  Unfortunately, he has a scheduling conflict.  Jim J. Bullock it is.   Sorry, homey.  Previous 3 starts 3.24 ERA, with some decent strikeout potential.

Jeremy Guthrie (@Bos vs. Lackey, @Det vs. Verlander) Last 5 starts, 2-1 with a 2.53 ERA and 30 K’s.  If his peak value wasn’t before the season started, it may be now when you need him the most. Maybe he was all on board the “Suck for Luck” campaign and forgot that he only plays football.

Jason Vargas (Min vs. Hendriks, Oak vs. McCarthy) Needs the Fister treatment.  No, not that kind of stuff.  Sicko.  A change of scenery makes his numbers look prettier.   Gets beat up once and awhile, but are we scared of the Twins and A’s offensive juggernauts?

Randy Wells (Mil vs. Marcum, @SD vs. Latos) Last 10 starts 6-1 with a 3.15 ERA only downfall is just 38 K’s.  Has pitched a lot better than a lot of sexier names that you prolly already roster over the last 30 days.  Just the facts.  And then Thursday happened and made what I just said irrelevant.

Bud Norris (@Cin vs. Bailey, Col vs. Millwood) I know Morrow gets more love but is 2 more K/9 more important than an uptick of 1.6 in ERA?  Not so much that it would lead to an almost double ownership.  I guess if I played for a loser I would go unnoticed too.

Chris Narveson (@CHC vs. Garza, Pit vs. Ohlendorf)  Starting, bullpen, back to starting.  Brewers will prolly have clinched by his first start.  When you dig deep, is it really horrible to have a pitcher from a winning team as your option?

Dana Eveland (SF vs. Vogelsong, @Ari vs. Hudson)  I could be wrong, but didn’t he star as MacGyver’s bald sidekick?  Getting by on looks, charm and a spoonful of who the heck is this guy? Tiny numbers in first 2 starts, you can roll the dice when I’m done playing click-clack.

Drew Pomeranz (@Hou vs. Myers,  @SF vs. Bumgarner) Features a plus fastball and curve, changeup needs work.  Reminds me a lot of Joe Saunders.  2 decent matchups as he fights for a rotation spot and fantasy formidability next year.

Henderson Alvarez (Ana vs. Santana, @CHW vs. Buehrle) A 3 ERA and a small WHIP from a groundball pitcher is almost as good as Reading Rainbow being back on the air.  Oh, it is.  Righteous.  It’s in a book, so take a look. Sorry got caught up in LeVar Burton’s goodness.

Philip Humber (Cle vs. Gomez, Tor vs. McGowan) Last 2 starts since coming off DL have been better than I expected.  That much needed time off looks like it refueled him for the faux baseball playoffs.

Jake Westbrook (NYM vs. Capuano, @Hou vs. Sosa)  Consistently is a 6 inning 3 ER pitcher, to hope for anything better would be like leaving Santa vegetables instead of cookies and then wonder why all your presents are broken.

Eric Surkamp (@Ari vs. Collmenter, Col vs. White) Man, that Barry Zito contract looks awesome right now.  Low K potential and lack of team run support hurts him some.  Any time I don’t have support I get all saggy, that ad brought to you by Spanx.

Felipe Paulino (@CHW vs. Stewart,  @Min vs. Diamond) We come for the Ks, that is all.  Now dance, monkey, as I turn this organ grinder.  In retrospect, it would be awesome if that monkey could do The Dougie.

Brett Myers (Col vs. Pomeranz, STL vs. Carpenter) Really useful right now, until he starts dating your sister and you’re like, “Wait a second,  I don’t want you dating my sister.”  1 ER in each of his last 4 appearances.  Would have liked to see him dealt to a contender, but there’s always next year.

What a ridonkulous season from Melky Cabrera.  Most of youse didn’t even draft him and here he is in September going 4-for-5 with his 18th homer, raising his average to .303 to go along with 18 steals.  As they used to say in 14th century China, “Damn, Ming.”  The spilled coffee on the saucer that then drips onto your dress shirt is I don’t trust this guy at all for next year.  18/18/.300 becomes 12/15/.275 very fast.  Ask anyone that’s drafted The Big FraGu in the past.  And 12/15/.275 is pretty much unusable in most mixed leagues.  It’s the first guy off the team when there’s a hot pickup.  So enjoy your Melk for now, but don’t throw away the non-dairy creamer.  Hmm… That sounded better in my head.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Randy Wells -  4 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  If you’re new to the site, you probably have no idea when I say donkeycorn, cyclops with a monocle, Cust kayin’, Sparky Anklebiter or a whole array of other gibberish.  But, more importantly for this, you don’t know about my previous love affair with Randy Wells.  During my Blue Period, I drank nothing but blueberry milkshakes and talked of nothing but Randy Wells’s eventual turn around.  The same mood can also be found in some of my early Jeremy Guthrie posts.  Then Randy Wells started pitching well recently.  I grew excited.  Not in that way.  Then I thought about picking him up.  Luckily, I didn’t.  He’s the devil.

Logan Morrison – First game back in the lineup and he went yard for his 20th.  He filed a grievance against the Miami Marlins yesterday.  Or is it still Florida?  How can they change their name?  There’s so much history!  This grievance is because Morrison said he was disciplined without “just cause.”  Love to hear the Marlins say, “No, you were disciplined “just cause” we can.”

Hanley Ramirez – Dr. Freeze performed shoulder surgery on Hanley and he should be good to go for the 2012 season.  Will be interesting to see where he’s drafted.  Out of the gate, I’m guessing he’ll go around the 4th round and then will bump up when good news comes out of Spring Training or bump down if a setback happens.  These are the kind of things that interest me.  I can’t imagine why these things don’t interest the girls I’m talking to at a bar.

Mike Stanton – 0-for-3 as he returned from the DL.  I’m holding my hands in the shape of a heart over my actual heart.

Jhoulys Chacin – 5 2/3 IP, 4ER, 13 baserunners, 1 K.  For what it’s Wuertz, I’m gonna like Chacin again next year.

B.J. Upton – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer.  I like Upton a lot.  I don’t think it’s subconsciously because of his first name.  Why don’t others like him?  Do I sound needy?

Brandon Phillips – 2-for-5, 1 RBI and his 16th homer and fourth in the last four games.  BP is doing work, son.  On a related note, the people who bought tickets for this Cubs and Reds game back in March must’ve been bummed this game meant nothing, but then they ended up seeing a good game.  September Grey is so empathic.

Chris Heisey – 2-for-5, his 17th homer and 2nd in as many games.  Too much talent on this team at the dish, I like everyone except Paul Janish.  I just freestyled that.

Alexi Ogando – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Number one reason I don’t bet on sports.  Would’ve never guessed Ogando had this bounce back start in him.

Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks and 2 homers allowed.  It’s a lot of pressure dealing with an aptronym.

Mark Buehrle – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 17 baserunners(!!!), 1 K.  That was karmic retribution for the no-hitter and perfect game.

Pablo Sandoval – 4-for-4 and his 20th homer as he yelled at each pitch to get in his belly.

Kyle Weiland – 3 IP, 4 ER.  When a big game is on the line the one guy the Red Sox want on the mound is Jon Lester or maybe Josh Beckett, so they threw Weiland yesterday and he should go back to singing “Plush.”

Adrian Gonzalez – 0-for-3 with his 111th RBI.  Make a wish.  Like, maybe, don’t lose the Wild Card.

Shin-Soo Choo – Was activated then reaggravated his oblique and is done for the year.  Hey, Shin-Soo, FU.

Kyle Kendrick – 5 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I’m beginning to think I could have an under-3.50 ERA if I pitched for the Phils.

Cliff Lee – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Whatever, Kendrick was able to get the win.  That’s what Cy Young voters look at.

Ian Desmond – 5-for-6, 3 RBIs and one run.  Without looking it up, I’m guessing this was the biggest game of his career.  Where else do you get such insight?  I ask you, where else?!

Wilson Ramos – 3-for-5, 3 runs.  He could have a breakout season next year too.  It’s all about catcher depth this week at Razzball.  Aren’t you glad the week’s over?

Tom Milone – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  First start of three where he’s looked competent.  He should compete for a rotation spot next year, but outside of very deep keepers, he’s not worth your time yet.

Jayson Werth – 0-for-5 as he talked his way into the lineup yesterday.  Here’s what Davey Johnson said, “(Werth) is getting treatment on it every day.  He had some strange looking blue tape on it (Wednesday) night.  I texted him early this morning and asked if he needed a blow….  He texted me back and said, ‘I’m fine. I felt stiff yesterday, but I feel good.’”  What on earth is going on in the Nats’ clubhouse?  Is this why Davey Johnson is so popular with his players?

With Nelson Cruz hitting the DL (I’ll get to that schmohawk), the Rangers called up Leonys Martin.  Martin could be a poor man’s Desmond Jennings, in other words he’ll be a 2nd ballot Hall of Famer, not 1st.  Martin has breezed through the minor leagues, starting in the Rookie league, jumping to Double-A and finally hitting Triple-A.  It’s called the “Julio Borbon-Endy Chavez-David Murphy Ain’t Doing Shizz From Shinola So We Need A Centerfielder” plan.  Martin has plus-plus speed.  Red Bull says Leonys gives them wings.  He could develop some power down the road, but I wouldn’t expect more than a homer or two with this call-up.  If you need speed in AL-Only or deeper keeper (hey, poet!) mixed leagues, I’d look at him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Nelson Cruz – Will be out for 3 weeks with his moans over his hammy.  Any Nostradumbass could’ve told you he’d be hurt at some point this year, but, seriously, this guy gets injured at least once every two months.  Let him play the field in a bubble.  He’s now getting a platelet-rich plasma injection to stimulant the healing process.  I think this was the same treatment they gave Caesar in Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

Adrian Beltre – The injury butterfly effect in Texas is supposed to get Beltre back on the field for Thursday.

Andre Ethier – 3-for-4 as he was back in the lineup on Monday.  He wasn’t going to play, but Colletti showed up at his house and saw a mannequin in Ethier’s bed with a stereo simulating snoring sounds.

Clayton Kershaw – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The Yaghan people, the indigenous inhabitants of Tierra del Fuego, have a word ‘mamihlapinatapai’ that means a desire shared by two people that neither will act on.  If you ever notice when Kershaw pitches, he’ll look into the camera ever-so-slightly.  He’s looking at me.  We got mamihlapinatapai.

Shin-Soo Choo – Gonna miss up to two weeks with his aggravated left side.  And I’m aggravated with him, so we’re even.

Justin Morneau – Out with a sore shoulder.  After thinking about Morneau’s season, listening to Bon Iver cheers me up.

Randy Wells – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Member when I loved Wells about a year or two ago?  Yeah, this start was what I wanted.  Way to make a guy wait.

Jason Motte – Reporting it here first after inferring from other sources, Motte will see some saves.  La Russa said, “You give guys what they earn, and they make the decisions for you.  Now please donate money to PETA.  I have bunnies to save.”

Jamie Moyer – Rehabbing in Clearwater, Florida hoping to be ready for the start of next season.  I’m assuming he’s talking about the 2012 World Bingo Tour.

Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks.  A triumphant return from a 15-day DL stint sans spirit fingers.  I figured Hamels would be fine since he was supposedly healthy last week, but the Phils aren’t pushing the issue with anyone.

Homer Bailey – 8 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the Phils.  Took steel nads (or stunods) to start him here, but it turned out okay.  I still don’t trust him.  Will work on my trust issues during the offseason just in time for him to screw me next year.  See, I haven’t worked on them yet.

R.A. Dickey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Dickey’s been H.A.M. for the last 8 starts.  Not many Ks, not crazy on the Wins, but solid ratios.

Alex White – 6 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Eh, if you’re rolling a Rockie rookie pitcher out there, you probably deserve this start.  Sorry, it’s Tough Love Grey!

Gaby Sanchez – 1-for-4 while hitting his/her first homer yesterday since July 23rd.  She/he could be getting hot, but we’ll need to see more before adding him/her because Jose Lopez has been stealing a lot of his/her playing time.

Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer.  Is it me or every time someone does something good on the Anaheim Really Isn’t That Close To Los Angeles Los Angeles Angels I expect the Sciociapath to bench him?

Max Scherzer – 3 IP, 7 ER.  To think Michael Chabon wasted a whole book about this guy.

Cameron Maybin – Returning to San Diego for an MRI.  I know they have MRIs in Los Angeles, so it worries me that he’s going to San Diego for an MRI, unless he’s just a victim of a bad HMO.

Nick Hundley – 2-for-4, hitting .413 in August with 2 homers and 5 RBIs.  So, in other words, he’s getting hits but not a whole lot else.  It’s a’ight.

Brandon McCarthy – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Has 93 Ks to 22 walks and a 1.21 WHIP in 133 2/3 innings.  Only drawback really is the A’s have about as much chance of wins as anyone going to see Moneyball besides baseball geeks.  You, “Hey, baby, I was thinking after Red Lobster we go see Moneyball?”  Your loved one, “Is that the one about Scott Hatteberg’s on base percentage?  I’d love to, sweetie!”   Yeah, that’s gonna happen.

Alex Gordon – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 19th homer.  At first I couldn’t understand why he’s been batting leadoff for the better part of the season, but I think I’ve figured it out.  The Royals are so afraid if they mess with Gordon in any way that he’ll revert to being a bust.  Kid Cudi with kid gloves, I kid you not.

Billy Butler – 1-for-4, but whatever.  This headline just writes the joke for you.

Salvador Perez – 3-for-4 with his first homer.  Royals have committed to playing Perez for 140 games next year as their starter.  He’s 21, so I’ll say until he struggles they’ve committed to him.  As of right now, he’s not struggling at all.  Hitting near .400 over the last week and has some pop in his bat.  Worth a look in very deep leagues (read AL-Only or Sal-Only leagues).

Johnny Damon – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Wow, next thing you know he’s gonna make a throw to 2nd with only one relay man.

Brett Lawrie – 1-for-4 with 2 steals.  I’m fully prepared to go all in for him next year while preparing myself for a bust.  Don’t bust, don’t bust, bust!  That’s next March, April and May Grey.  BTW, I’m thinking about changing my name to $rey only I think it works better for S’s.

Adam Lind – 1-for-5 with his 23rd homer.  Who was it saying they were done with Lind because of his slump?  Oh, everyone.

Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-3 with a steal.  I love…Wait, not strong enough.  I lurve when guys try and prove their worth by stealing bags.  Prove yourself, Viciedo, prove.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks.  Hold on, I need my 13-year-old niece to text me some exclamation marks.  13 Ks!!!!!  Wow!!!

Carlos Lee – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer.  Guess he’s not hurt…In the literal sense.  13 homers isn’t exactly setting the world on fire like a good I Can Has Cheezburger meme.

Nick Swisher – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Has 77 RBIs and a .383 OBP on the year with 21 homers.  Really not an awful season.  Yes, when I say not awful instead of good, it’s not great.  Follow?

Alex Rodriguez – He called his thumb’s bluff with an MRI, but he still lost three to five days on the flop.

Derek Jeter – Missed yesterday and could miss the upcoming Sawx series.  In other news, Jeter and Minka Kelly broke up.  I guess Minka’s fine if you have less than 3,000 hits.  Same reason I started masturbating to hotter women after Razzball reached 3,000 page views.

Some rejected titles for this post were, “Adam’s Appendix Is Dunn,” “Dunn’s Appendix Chooses Worst Of Three Outcomes,” and “Dunn Develops Killer App.”  First Holliday, now Adam Dunn with a busted appendix.  I heard if the doctor gets cold during the surgery, he’s going to snuggle inside Dunn like Luke did with his tauntaun.  Big Donkey only needs 5 days to heal because he already had an axe scar in that area they could re-use.  The turnaround time is so quick now on these surgeries that you have to wonder why it took the Twins so many years to remove their appendix (Nick Punto).  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Quentin – 4-for-6, 3 RBIs, 2 Runs and his 2nd homer.  He’s now hitting .500 on the year.  If he can stay healthy, he can have a huge year.  Though that if is the size of Dunn’s appendix.

Juan Pierre – 3-for-6 and his 2nd steal as he was asked to fill-in Dunn’s shoes at DH.  Lucky he didn’t have to wear his pants.

Michael Bourn – Left with tightness in his groin.  Is he now dating Rihanna?

Ubaldo Jimenez – Looks like the pickle juice or whatever medieval cure he was prescribed didn’t work and Ubaldo is headed to the DL until the 17th.  Since he only has a cut on his cuticle, he should be back when scheduled.  If you felt he should’ve been the lead of this post, “Ubaldo’s Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow” is your title.  Maybe instead of pickle juice, he should’ve visited a *pinkie to mouth*  manicurist.

Chad Billingsley – 3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Now has a 7+ ERA in Colorado over his career.  If you ever see Bills talking to your girl at a bar, order him a Coors and watch him fall apart.

Andrew Cashner – As reported here first after reading it somewhere else, Cashner is going to the DL with a rotator cuff strain.  Tough break strain since he looked good on Tuesday and I was ready to get on board.

Randy Wells – To the DL with a forearm strain.  That’s not good.  Guessing he’ll be out for all of April.  All these injuries made me think of the Cage The Elephant‘s Shake Me Down, “Not a lot of people left around…”  Mmm-mmm… That’s me humming the words I don’t know.  I love that song.

Alfonso Soriano – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  This is also the third time he’s shown up in five roundups.  If you’re gonna own him, right now is the time.

Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  It took me a few years to fully trust Dempster after he moved to starting.  Now that I trust him, he’s going to employ his parachute as he watches me crash to the ground.

Brad Lidge – Charlie Manuel said Lidge should be back around the All-Star break.  His exact words were, “Lidge an ornery spitfire who wants to go piking by July.  Now where in my overalls did I put that straw I like to chew on.”

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Word is the Sawx are giving Salty until June to hit.  They’re obviously more patient than me, I’m giving him until next week.

Willie Bloomquist – 2-for-5 and his 5th steal.  Emilio Bonifacio called, he wants his crazy fast April start back.  Potatoes to chips, if Bloomquist was doing this in the middle of the season, you wouldn’t even know about it, unless you were Willie Bloomquist Jr. and your dad forced you to watch all his at-bats.

Stephen Drew – Plans to return to the starting lineup on Friday.  My anticipation level for Drew’s return is above my next visit to the dentist but way below when Dustin reveals on The Real World to his roomie/girlfriend that he used to do gay porn.

Yunel Escobar – 3-for-3 when he had to be lifted because of dizziness.  He was waving air into his face and jumping up down and I thought Travis Snider farted in his direction, but I think it happened on Yunel’s headfirst slide.  Not sure, I’m not a doctor.

Austin Jackson – 0-for-5.  I’ve been saying he’s not that good since last year and it looks like he’s finally coming around to my way of thinking.

Ryan Raburn – 1-for-2 as he snuck onto the field in Boesch’s jersey.  Geez, what did Raburn do?  Complain about Leyland smoking in the dugout?

Alex Avila – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs with the very rare slam & legs from a catcher.  Despite having such a good night, Miguel Cabrera is hesitant to hang out with Alex Avila because of his initials.

Armando Galarraga – 7 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Eh, I’d give him a stiff-Armando off my team.

Joakim Soria – 1 IP, 4 ER.  In the offseason, he abandoned his nickname, The Mexicutioner.  He didn’t mention he was adopting the nickname, The Mexican’t.

Jeff Francis – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I’d wait to see 30 more starts from him before picking him up.

Alex Gordon – 2-for-5, 1 RBI including his 5th double.  Yes, you should pick him up.

Carl Crawford – 2 Hits, 2 steals and 2 for flinching when Francona threatened to bat him 7th again.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  If you’re new to the site, I don’t think Dice-BB should be owned in any league that, ya know, wanna win.

Kevin Correia – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Now is 2-0 with a 1.38 ERA on the year.  Of course, he’s pitched better than most of the pitchers on my fantasy teams.   Why do you hurt me so much small sample sizes?  That’s what she said!  (Not really.)

Neil Walker – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer.  Then there’s the other side of the small sample size coin.  You wanna believe so bad early hitting stars will hit .400 and homers every other day, but you know it won’t last.  Or at least you should know, unless you suffer from delusional fantasies.

Alberto Callaspo – 2-for-4, 2nd homer and hitting .450 on the year.  I’m the first to think he’s Callaspoo, but he’s hitting, so, yeah, grab him for your MI spot.

Mark Trumbo – 3-for-4, hitting .286 so far.  He’s played in 5 of 6 games, but hasn’t hit for power yet.  But II, The Return of But, he could start hitting for power.

Erick Aybar – Strained oblique.  In your face, intercostal!

Tim Stauffer – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Hodgepadre:  Start in Petco, don’t get them wet and don’t, under any circumstances, feed them after midnight.  So who feed Stauffer after midnight?

Nick Hundley – 1-for-3, HR.  Not sure how much you need a catcher, but Hundley’s the Padres best hitter right now.  I know how sad that sounds.

Ryan Howard – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs, 2 Runs and his 2nd homer.  He’s now batting .524.  Yeah, he looks done.  Glad some ‘perts were ranking him in the 4th round.

Jose Contreras – Got his first save and received a 35% off discount at the movies.

Mike Pelfrey – 2 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K as he couldn’t keep the bats off the Pelfrey.  I wouldn’t own Pelfrey with your team.

Tim Lincecum – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 13 Ks.  He made the Padres hitters look even worse than they normally do!

Brian Wilson – 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Returned and looked like he shouldn’t have.  Hopefully it’s just him brushing the cobwebs off the gimp outfit.

Edinson Volquez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks and the conshellation prize.  Frequent commenter, Eddy, brought up an interesting stat, Volquez’s first inning ERA is 31.50, the rest of the way (8 IP) 2.25 ERA.

Ian Desmond – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs as he may have just cemented himself back in the leadoff spot.  This is why you don’t overrate 5 games of play.  Or a week.  Or a month.

John Buck – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a triple.  I’m guessing here but I feel like Buck gets more triples than any other catcher.  That Buck is a hustler!

Mike Minor – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Getting roofied by Minor and I feel like how Jeffrey Jones looks.  Oh, well.  He was probably only up for one start.  I’d lose him for now.

Jeremy Hellickson – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I try and stay away from AL rookie pitchers, but let’s remember some stuff I said in the preseason… You know, six days ago.  I said Hellickson would win the ROY and I dropped this Hellickson fantasy on ya.

Manny Ramirez – Maddon sat Manny because he was pressing.  Surprised no clouds formed when Manny’s warm air pockets of pressing met with his cool air pockets of indifference.