Fantasy Baseball Advice

Matt Holliday heads to the DL with a quadriceps injury.  C’mon, Mantle played with no knees for ten years!  Have a scotch and get in the lineup!  John Jay should see time while Holliday recoups.  Worth owning in 12 team leagues and could make a decent sub while Holliday’s out.  That’s not to say he could make a decent hoagie.  Different things.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kyle McClellan – Out for at least a couple of weeks with a hip flexor strain.  Or it’s hip to be strained, if you’re a kid of the 80′s.

Lance Lynn – Will fill in for McClellan.  Decent K-rate in the minors, a few too many walks at times and barely above average stuff.  But Dave Duncan once coached a pot of a chili to a 12-5 record, so I went out and grabbed Lynn in an NL-Only league.  He could quickly become a decent gamble in mixed leagues, but for now he only has one start guaranteed.

Allen Craig – Didn’t start yesterday, but that didn’t stop him from continuing to hit.  He went 1-for-3 with a home run while batting nearly .500 over the last week.

Hanley Ramirez – Always one to take any opportunity to not hustle, Hanley’s waiting until Friday to decide whether to go on the DL.  If I had to take a guess, I think he will go on the DL.  If you really need speed, I’d grab Bonifacio, who will be playing short in media res.

Aroldis Chapman – Won’t be activated on Friday when eligible.  Dusty said, “He’s got to get things together mentally and emotionally.”  Hey, Aroldis, stop watching Lifetime movies!

Brian Matusz – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He used to be the weak side of the Double Stuff Orioles (with Tillman), but, since his 2nd half ERA last year was 3.63 with a solid K-rate, he’s been the pitcher to own…In deep leagues.  In shallower leagues, he’ll be serviceable at times.  There’s an outside chance for a breakout, but I’d conservatively expect around a 4.00 ERA overall.

Michael Pineda – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I feel like I haven’t talked about Pineda enough.  He has more than a K per inning, a WHIP of 1.00 and an ERA of 2.30.  Let’s see, that’s better than F-Her, Tommy Hanson and Sabathia.  Bingo bango!

Josh Willingham – Yesterday, he hit his third homer in his last six games.  The Hammer in Oakland that you can touch and doesn’t wear pants seventeen sizes too big is crazy hot right now.

Clint Barmes – 2-for-5 and he hit a home run on May 30th.  For him, that’s hot.  Also, I watched him hit yesterday and he looked locked in. Not to mention, I just dropped him in one league so he’s going to spite me.

Brent Lillibridge – 2-for-5 and his 2nd home run in the last five games to go along with a modest five game hitting streak.  Playing every day puts him in over his head like Michael J. Fox in The Secret of My Success, but while he’s hitting, what the hey?

David Ortiz – Hit his 4th home run in the last week and he’s hitting .313 on the year.  Did he get some of Bartolo Colon’s stem cells injected into him too?

Laynce Nix – Hit his 9th home run yesterday.  Yeah, instead of Josh Hamilton in the 2nd round, you could’ve drafted Laynce Nix.  Fantasy Baseball:  If You’re Not Already Prematurely Balding, It’ll Make You Pull Out Your Hair.

Dan Haren – Lower back spasms caused him to fall to his knees in pain.  He screamed, “I feel bad!” then Mark Trumbo put a cape over his shoulders.  Haren said later it felt better and he’s waiting to see how it feels on Thursday before pushing his next start.

Erick Aybar – 3-for-4 and his 14th steal.  Now batting .315 on the year.   He’s a two week hot streak away from being the best shortstop in baseball, even if that’s like being the tallest midget.

Mike Stanton – 3-for-4 with his 12th home run.  The other day someone accused me in the comments of not showing enough love to Stanton.  I found that offensive since I literally drool every time I watch him bat.  On my Trapper Keeper, it says, “I heart Pony Sticks.”  That’s what I secretly call Stanton.  We have pet names.  And I don’t show enough love for him?  Over his first 150 games in the majors, 75/33/88/.258/5.  At the age of 21, that’s a thing of beauty.  If I had to say one player that I think would make the Hall of Fame that has been in the league for only one year, it would be Stanton.  He’ll have 500 homers by the time he’s 33.  Is that enough love?

Javier Vazquez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Well, he finally started K’ing some hitters, so that’s good.  But four earned in six innings isn’t exactly dying your hair blonde and pretending to be Guy Fieri at a local diner.

Cody Ross – 4-for-5 with a steal.  Now has two homers and is 7 for his last 13.  Does he think it’s the playoffs?

Juan Miranda – 2 for his last 18.  And…scene!

Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-4, after hitting 7 homers and .354 in May.  Okay, pop quiz, hotshot.  Who is hitting for a better average?  Peralta or Miggy?  Yup.

Justin Morneau – 0-for-3.  Hey, it’s good to have you back!

Rajai Davis – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st home run.  Now hitting near .350 over the last week and 15 steals on the year.  For a SAGNOF’er, because of his placement in the lineup, he might set the record for ribbies.  Prince Fielder, “Someone say ribbies?!”

Ubaldo Jimenez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  2010 called, it wants its start back.

Carlos Santana – Indians scored 13 runs and Santana went 0-for-3.  Ticker tease!  Though, it’s been more like a ticker season.  Comatose Indians Fan, “I’ve been asleep for the last two months but I see the Indians have the best record in baseball?!  Wow, I can only imagine what Carlos Santana, Sizemore and Choo are doing!”  Yeah, not what you think.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs.  Okay, he is the best shortstop as of right now.  Fair enough.

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Since I’m venting today, someone the other day mentioned how I didn’t say anything when Marcum had a bad last start.  He pitched fine, he grooved one to some rookie that no one thought could hit (Brandon Crawford) and he hit a grand slam.  He threw a bad pitch, he didn’t throw a bad game.

Nyjer Morgan – 2-for-3 in back-to-back games.  He’s really not much better than Gomez, and Gomez isn’t very good, but Morgan is at least hitting.

Vicente Padilla – From the files of, “Yeah, Well, Dur,” Mattingly says Padilla will regain the closer role on Friday when he returns from the DL.

Daniel Murphy – 2-for-4 as he stays sizzling.  At least two hits in the past four games.  He’s not glamorous, but hot schmotatos rarely are.

Kevin Correia – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks with his 8th win.  I’m still waiting for Correia to go south and smell of fermented cabbage.

Mike Leake – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He’s a deep league add at this point since he may not stay in the rotation for long.

Jay Bruce – Hit his 17th home run.  Or one home run for every baby born in the Ohio area in the last month named Bruce.  Broose counts as well.

Felipe Paulino – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I do love his Ks, but…must…resist…urge…to…pick…him….up.  He’s just too inconsistent.

Billy Butler – Hit his 4th home run, a game winner.  After he crossed home, someone threw beads at him.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – Headed for Tommy John surgery.  In other words, Dice-K’s elbow rolled craps.  I always thought it was gonna be “Dice” Clay who’d need Tommy John surgery because of his unorthodox smoking form.  Dice-K’s ulnar collateral ligament blew — it needed the money — oh!

Kendrys Morales is out for another 6 months with surgery to remove scar tissue.  Who was the first surgeon to operate on him?  Dr. Nick Riviera?  Hey, boys and three girls!  Bummer for the Los Angeles Angels of Not Los Angeles County…I mean, hello, Trumbo.  Giddy up, snitches!  The Sciosciapath has to play Trumbo now, right?  I mean, probably.  Can’t put anything over on that sly fox.  And by ‘sly,’ I mean dumb.  And by ‘fox,’ I mean not a fox.  If you’re hurting for a corner man, this should be all the incentive you need to sound the Trumbo.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Grady Sizemore – It’s the return of Wounded Knee.  Sizemore went for an MRI for his knee pain.  In other news, water is wet, taco diarrhea burns and astronaut ice cream is delicious.  If you own Sizemore, consider therapy to find out why you keep trying to hurt yourself with your life choices.  “Why’s everyone in my living room?  I was just going to move Sizemore to my bench.”  “Billy, have you thought about trading Sizemore for a pitcher?”  “No!  He makes me feel special!  I hate all of you!”  “Why can’t you just do crank like your brother?!”  That’s you on the show Intervention when your family confronts you about your fantasy draft choices.  Now Sizemore’s MRI says (yes, the MRI talks) his knee is fine.  Right.  So let him play a few days, then you trade him.  He’s not going to run this year, so what do you have with Grady?  You have Beltran, Jason Kubel or a host of other some power, no speed outfielders.  You don’t have the 30/30 Sizemore of yesteryear (2008).

Ryan Braun – The Hebrew Hammer was removed from the game with an ankle contusion after he ran into an outfield wall.  Pending the seriousness of the injury, the wall may now be known as The Wailing Wall of Milwaukee.

Randy Wolf – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Was in last week’s post about pitchers that should see a correction, and yesterday the Padres dropped a whole bottle of White-Out on his stats.

Jason Bartlett – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, 2 steals, 2 Girls, 1 Cup.

Chris Denorfia – 3-for-4, home run and is hitting .370.  He doesn’t really play every day, but he should. (Really, compared to playing Will Venable every day anyone seems like an upgrade.)

Cameron Maybin – 4-for-6, 2 runs and 2 RBIs.  That’s so Maybin!

Tim Stauffer – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  After not feeding a hodgepadre after midnight, what’s the next most important rule?  Don’t start them in away games.

Edinson Volquez – 4 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Guys and three girl readers, I want to formally apologize, or apologise if you use the Queen’s oldfangled spelling, for pushing anyone to draft this schmohawk.  When you can’t go into Houston and pitch well, you’re meat.  Now hang this jerky out to dry.

Drew Stubbs – The King of Slam & Legs doffed his crown and screamed, “As you were, peasants!”

Al Alburquerque – 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Santa K, even you’ve turned on me?  For shame.  *shakes fist at the sky*  For shame!

Geovany Soto – His strained groin has forced him to the DL.  Sounds like an injury that would sideline a porn actress.

Matt Garza – He’ll be mentioned in this afternoon’s post about pitchers who should be better.  It’s an extravaGarza!

Felix Hernandez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  F-Her should’ve had a nine inning O face against the Orioles.  Probably just teaching us a lesson for drafting him in the 2nd round.

Adam Jones – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs.  He’s hitting .286 with 5 homers and 4 steals on the year.  That, friend, was a surprise to me because I swear I get at least 4 comments a day about dropping him.  He’s on a 25/15 pace.  That’s Pence-ish.  What’s the major malfunction here?

Hiroki Kuroda – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  You know how you say reliable in Japanese?  Toyota.  But it could be Kuroda.

Hong-Chih Kuo – To the DL with an anxiety disorder.  Maybe you get to take days off for this shizz in Taiwan, but where I come from, we bottle up our emotional issues and play like crazy until we have a heart attack and die prematurely.

Matt Joyce – 2-for-5, back-to-back games with a homer while batting .358.  Sure, it won’t last but that matters?  Rhetorical!

David Price – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  You know who is annoyed he avoided Price this year?  This guy!

Scott Baker – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Ream me up Scotty!

Matt Capps – 1 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Nathan hasn’t given up a run in almost two weeks.  Um, that’s only three appearances. Not now, Random Italicized Voice.

Jason Kubel – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer.  Prolly a tad late on talking about Kubel.  I’m *pinkie to mouth* Kubelated.  Not sure what eggs you got in your outfield basket, but right now Kubel’s a good egg.  Usually, I find he has salmonella.  (BTW, I’m waiting for someone to name their daughter Salmonella.  Hopefully it doesn’t then go viral.)

Eric Hosmer – He hit his 1st homer.  Guess what else?  *taps finger, scratches chin, trims mustache, plucks nose hair*  Give up?  He’s batting third!

A.J. Burnett – 7 IP, 6 baserunners (1 Hit), 6 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 3.38.  Quite a change from Ass Jack’s 2010.  His walk-rate is in the vicinity it was the last time he had a respectable year, so it’s possible he keeps it going.  (Relatively, he’s not more than a 3.75 ERA pitcher.)

Ryan Madson – Recorded his 5th save, has an ERA of 0.60.  “That whole ‘he doesn’t have what it takes to close’ thing was an obvious motivational tactic.  Dur.” That’s what the Phils pitching coach will say any day now.

Leo Nunez – 1 IP, 2 ER.  As we learned last August, when Nunez goes south, he goes monkey-fightin’ south fast.  Mike Dunn would be the handcuff.  Then if he gets the job, after every save you can scream, “Mmm…Dunn!” and throw your mitt in the air like Jesse Orosco, because you wear a glove to watch baseball games, even at home.

Scott Podsednik – Blue Jays release Pods, hope to retain his wife.

Rajai Davis – 4-for-4 with his 2nd game in a row with 2 steals.  Somebody’s got the fever for the SAGNOF!

Craig Kimbrel – 1 IP, 2 ER with the blown save.  I love you, Kimbrel, so why do you hate the ones you love?

Ian Desmond – 2-for-6 with 2 steals to bring his total up to 12.  Wow, is he gonna go 10/30 this year?  Cause that would be huge.  (Be even nicer if he hit .270.  But that’s quibbling!  Or is it?!  No, actually it’s not.  Seriously, get to .270.)

Miguel Cabrera – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs when he was ejected for arguing with the home plate ump.  Went something like this, “Taste great!” “Less filling!”  Well, you know Miggy — he always wants to stick around after the last call.

Not sure if you’ve noticed but last year’s ROY runner-up, Jason Heyward, has been AWFUL in May – 2 for 28 with 13 Ks. Now it comes out that he’s got a sore shoulder and his right hand and forearm have become uncomfortably numb.  Hopefully they can give him just a little pin prick that will make him feel better.  Best case is he misses a couple days.  Worst case is amputation via tomahawk.  I think he can avoid the worst case but you never know…Heyward….Hey Ward, something’s wrong with the Beaver.  Ward and Beaver’s last name was Cleaver.  Cleaver is the white man term for tomahawk…..oh oh whoa-a-ho!

Other fantasy baseball news…

Brett Myers – Cloud:  6 ER and 10 baserunners in the first 2 innings.  Extremely faint silver lining:  He threw 4 scoreless innings afterward with 4 baserunners and ended the game with 8 Ks.  The truth is somewhere in between “gumdrop Himalaya.”

Brian Wilson – Got his 3rd win in 5 days.  You think Grey and I are bitter that it seems like every reliever that we don’t own has 2 or 3 vulture wins?  You couldn’t handle the bitterness!

Derek Jeter – 2 for 4 with a SB.  He’s now hitting .283.  I’m not saying he’ll be usable this year but he really does seem to love proving critics wrong.  Except for critics that bemoan he only bangs hot chicks.

Homer Bailey – Two straight winning starts against the Astros with a sub-1.00 ERA/WHIP and 10 Ks.   I really think this could be the year where he has a month of promising starts in between getting shelled and being hurt.  Oh wait, he did that in 2009 and 2010 too.  Well, he’s traditionally been an awfully slow starter (as in 8.00+ ERA, 2.00ish WHIP in his first starts of April/May) so maybe he’s turning over a new leaf.  If you need an SP, might as well take a flyer.  Just bench him after his first bad start and drop him after his second consecutive bad start.

Tim Lincecum – 8 shutout innings with 9 Ks but couldn’t get the win.  Has anyone figured out how he’s actually gained fastball speed this year (92.9 MPH this year vs. 92.4 in 2009 and 91.3 in 2010)?  Aren’t you supposed to come back weaker after pitching a full regular + post-season?  Couldn’t he share this knowledge with Phil Hughes and Javier Vazquez for humanitarian reasons?  Suffice it to say, if Lincecum is throwing 93 MPH, I’d say he’s the best pitcher in fantasy baseball.  (You want to argue Halladay, fine…but Lincecum pitches in a cozier park and has a better K-rate)

Ian Kennedy - Matched Lincecum zero for zero for 8 innings getting 8 Ks along the way.  That’s now a 5 start run where Kennedy has thrown 36 innings of sub 2.00 ERA with nearly a K per inning.  Hear that sound – it’s the buy low window slamming against the pane.  (Gloating moment:  traded Brandon League + David Aardsman for Kennedy in one of our expert leagues last week.)

Rajai Davis - 2 SBs.  For the love of SAGNOF!

Geovany Soto - Left the game in the first inning with a left groin strain.  He’ll have an MRI on his groin tomorrow.  I wonder if they make him get in the big MRI machine or if he just has to thrust into it.  Either way, I’m thinking a groin injury is bad for a catcher and he’ll either miss a week or go on the DL.  In shallow leagues, I’d consider dropping Soto and start playing catcher roulette on the waiver wire.

Troy Tulowitzki – Hit his 9th HR but is just 4 for his last 42.  If you’re going to be a binge hitter, I guess playing at a field named after a beer is fitting.

Ted Lilly - Managed his first solid road start and win in 4 tries with 2 ERs/5 baserunners/4 Ks in 6 IP at Pittsburgh.  Until proven otherwise this year, I’d consider Lilly like an honorary Hodgepadre.  Start him at home and very cautiously in pitcher-friendly matchups but sit him otherwise.  Fun stat – in 2009-2010 with Chicago and LA, Lilly has a 0.94 home WHIP (compared to about a 1.22 WHIP on the road which still isn’t bad…but his road WHIP going into this start was 1.91).

Francisco Liriano - Rest easy, Johnny Vander Meer.  Your consecutive no-hitter streak is safe.  Liriano resembled the pitcher he was every other start this year vs. the no-hitter – giving up 4 ER and 6 baserunners in only 3 innings.  To be fair, Liriano was sick going into the start – he had made the mistake of watching the Twins offense during his off-days.

John Danks – Now 0-6.  Danks for nothing!  This was his worst start of the year:  5 IP/6 ER/12 baserunners.  But in his other 7 starts, he’s managed 6+ innings, 4 or less unearned runs, and 36 Ks in 47 IP.  So I’d hold onto him or consider him a buy low candidate.

Brett Anderson – Last night against Texas:  4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners.  April 30th start against Texas – 5 IP, 13 baserunners, 7 ER.  Against everyone else, much much better.  Moral of story:  Don’t mess with Texas.

Roger Bernadina - Got a chance to hit leadoff as Desmond and Espinosa have been awful there.  Went 0-for-3 but managed 2 runs and a SB.  So RB didn’t bring the roast beef but at least provided some horsey sauce.

Chris Carpenter – A depressive win over Chicago with 15 baserunners and 4 ER in 7 innings.  This is his third straight start giving up 10 or more hits.  A Carpenter hasn’t been responsible for this many hits since the 1970′s.  Carpenter will be better than this but I’d trade him if you can find someone who’ll focus on his 2009-2010 stats when determining value.

Rene Tosoni - The Twins rookie OF hit a HR in his 2nd start in the last 5 games.  Even if gets the starting role, he’s a marginal player so don’t let him haunt your dreams like he did to Guy Pearce’s character in LA Confidential.

Javier Vazquez – On bereavement leave.  Mourning the loss of his fastball.

Ike Davis – The Mets best hitter so far this year strained his calf.  The Mets training crew ran to Ike but he slapped them when they tried to help.  Late word is that he may play tomorrow but a strained calf usually means a stint on the DL so I’m skeptical.  A strained calf for the Mets usually means a denial of the injury, then a denial on the severity of the injury, then a 60-day DL stint where we find out it’s a torn calf, a denial that it’s a torn calf, and then a father-in-law gets beat up in front of children.

Already thin 3rd base position just got a lot thinner with Pablo Sandoval breaking his hamate bone.  When Sandoval first heard the bad news, he pulled a half-eaten ham bone out of his pocket and asked if the doctor could insert it in the injured bone’s place.  He couldn’t.  Sandoval now knows how Rikki Lake feels when she lost all that weight then lost her job.  Sometimes fatty boombalatties are best to stay fatty boombalatties.  Hey, I don’t make the world, I just live in it.  So, Sandoval will miss up to 2 months with surgery and rehab.  His blimpotence was already an issue and hamate bone breaks tend to zap power further.  It’s not a good day to own Sandoval.  Yesterday wasn’t very good either.  Tomorrow probably won’t be much better.  Then on Wednesday…Well, you get the point.  When Mark DeRosa returns, he stands to see an increase in ABs, for those in NL-Only leagues who just need counting stats.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Zimmerman – Will miss 6 weeks with a tear of the rectus muscle in his abdomen.  Why does he have an anus in his stomach?

Ian Desmond – Here’s one that made me do a double take.  Ian Desmond has 10 steals.  Zoinks!

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Only has a 4.29 ERA with plenty of time to have a 3.50-3.75 ERA on the year.  Cust kayin’.

Daniel Hudson – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has back-to-back solid starts.  Really see no reason why he can’t be as good as billed in the preseason.

Kendrys Morales – According to reports, Kendrys is not returning anytime soon.  Might want to think about adding an -ucks onto the end of his first name.  This is a boost for Trumbo.  Could be in line for steady playing time until the All-Star break.

Jon Rauch – Blue Jays manager, who is supposedly named John Farrell, said Rauch is his closer if push came to shove.  Should get a neck tattoo that says, “SAGNOF!”

Jose Bautista – Left with neck stiffness after he got a Viagra stuck in his throat.

Rajai Davis – 5 steals this weekend.  Sonavabench!  Couldn’t you have returned on Monday after I changed my weekly lineup?

Adam Lind – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer, and his 4th homer this week, batting .282 on the year.  And that’s how quickly a bust can turn around his season this early in the year.

Jered Weaver – Missed his start because of a virus.  That’s what happens when you try to download porn from malware-infested sites.

Kevin Youkilis – Out with an aggravated hip, which sounds like an album title from a 90′s group like Big Head Todd & the Monsters.  “Off our Aggravated Hip album, we’d like to play our song, “My Soul Starts With So.”

Jed Lowrie – 1-for-4 with 3 Ks as he hit .176 this week with no homers or RBIs.  Member two weeks ago when the Sons of Sam Horn came out of the woodwork to post in the comments how I was selling Lowrie short and he was the best thing since the gay porn reveal episode of The Real World?  Yeah, where are all those people now praising Jed?

Alex Cobb – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks and will be sent right back down.  Too bad, so sad.

Jake McGee – Was optioned to Triple-A.  His over/under for saves this year just got a lot more under.

James Shields – Struck out 12 on Saturday.  [Grey's stupid] I’m glad I liked him for a bounce back this year yet didn’t draft him anywhere.  [/Grey's stupid]

Matt Joyce – Hitting in the 4 hole, which is the left nostril if you’re on a porn set, and batting .412 over the last week with 2 homers.  You have to bench him vs. lefties but he’s destroying righties, and there’s, uh, more righties, so there’s that.

Jose Tabata – Out with hamstring tightness.  I have “You better come back soon and hit better than you have been” tightness.

Alex White – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Didn’t look terrible.  Yeah, not a huge compliment.  Honestly, it’s hard to get crazy excited about an Indians rookie pitcher in mixed leagues.  In AL-Only leagues, you’re obviously on board.  In mixed leagues, baby, I’m bored.

Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  As mentioned last week, we picked Masterson up for a spot start, but because he pitched so well we held onto him.  He now has an ERA of 2.25 and a 1.15 WHIP.  Yeah, who needs Liriano and Gallardo?  You POS’s.

Craig Kimbrel – Had back-to-back rough outings this weekend, but his stuff is still lights out and his manager gave him a vote of confidence.  I’m not worried.  Venters is worth owning but just because he’s a top middle man.

Derek Lowe – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks and a 2.45 BAC.

Bud Norris - 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Here’s what I said in the preseason rankings, “You want a guy that could be this year’s Jonathan Sanchez?  Here ya go.  I mean that in the best of ways and the worst of ways.  He could strikeout 200 while having a walk rate north of 4, a WHIP north of 1.45 and an ERA north of 4.50.” And that’s me quoting me!  So far the walks have been kept in control — literally! — and because of that his ERA and WHIP ain’t too shabby.

Carlos Lee – He was hurt in a collision with Angel Sanchez.  El Caballo was taken off the field as the Astros put the cart before the horse.

Jason Bourgeois – Now has 8 steals in only 36 at-bats and could see more time with Lee out.  Since he’s making the best of his opportunities, guess you could say Bourgeois is a capitalist.

Chris Narveson – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners (no walks), 7 Ks.  His ERA is up to 4.64 but his xFIP doesn’t look that bad.  Too bad I’m not in any fantasy leagues that use xFIP.

Justin Morneau – Hit his first homer of the year.  Now only one off Melky Cabrera’s 2 homers.

Marlon Byrd – 2-for-4, hitting .295 on the year in the heart of the Cubs order and has 5 RBIs on the year.  How is that possible?  Not rhetorical.  Seriously, what the eff?

Mike Aviles – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs.  At Sunday brunch, he had a mimosa, grapefruit wedges and a slam & legs.  Now has 5 homers (or Morneau +4) and 6 steals.  Pretty nice start for a guy I wasn’t a fan of.  A lot better than that other schmohawk I wanted no part of Martin Prado (2 HRs, 1 SB, .252 average).  Somehow Aviles is only owned in 35% of ESPN leagues.  Yeah, I have no idea either.

Zach Britton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (3 walks), 1 K.  Now has 15 walks to 20 Ks in 37 1/3 innings.  So, yes, I would own him, but it’s not all peaches and cream.

Luke Scott – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer in the last 4 days.  Luke Scott should be picked up immediately after he hits one home run because it’s guaranteed he’ll hit at least 5 more within the next week.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 4 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Now has a 7.20 ERA as things have gotten hairy for Ubaldo.

Fernando Salas – Tony La Russa obviously gets a ten percent commission on all FAAB dollars spent speculating on Cardinal closers.  There’s no Cardinals closer, unless you count the hybrid, Fernchell Frankchez.

David Freese – Suffered a broken bone in his hand and now Freese is on ice.  Pun Master P, “Brilliant!”  Freese will be out for a while, which will give La Russa ample opportunity to play a ton of schmohawks at third base.  If anyone can get Nick Punto 400 at-bats, it’s TLR.

Robinson Cano – Left the game after he hurt his hand.  X-rays came back negative which is actually positive.  Weird!

Dustin Moseley – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Now has an 1.63 ERA on the year.  Still wouldn’t trust him in away games in most leagues, but I would definitely own him and run him out there in Petco.  They’re Hodgepadres, ya’ll, just don’t feed them after midnight.

Hanley Ramirez – Hit his first home run of the year.  Another guy that’s breathing down Melky’s neck.

Chris Coghlan – Shoulder woes forced him out of action for a few days and it’ll bother him all year or until he has surgery.  Always sad when a marginal player gets marginally worse.  Well, not really.

Gavin Floyd – 6 IP, 6 ER.  Seems like this is always the case with Gavin Floyd.  Good start, good start, good start, terrible start.  It’s like a form of Duck, Duck, Goose.  Only it’s goose eggs, goose eggs, goose eggs, duck!

The national budget isn’t the only thing that’s strained in DC, Ryan Zimmerman is headed to the DL with an ab strain.  This was an injury that originally happened in Spring Training and now it looks like the ab has taken out a *pinkie to mouth* restraining order.   Zimmerman always seemed like such a good boy, who knew he had a bad side?  For those baby boomers in the audience, Robert Zimmerman is Dylan and Ryan Zimmerman is illin’.  For those housewives reading on, Ryan’s owners whine of choice is Zimm-for-DL.  Yeah, that pun is a worse strain than his.  So now that this strain has resurfaced, it makes me think the Nats are going to let it heal for a lot longer than 15 days to make sure there’s no more relapses.  Worse, if they don’t play it safe and rush him back in two weeks, he could reinjure himself and be out for another few weeks.  (Something that could, unfortunately, happen anyway.)  All in all, it’s a good day to not own Zimmerman.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Alexi Ogando – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  A…O…A’ight!  BTW, do you know Tony Danza’s blood type?  It’s AO.  Watch out, Catskills, here comes Grey!  Another great start for the converted outfielder.  It’s been a while since the Rangers let an outfielder take the mound (see Jose Canseco) but it’s paid off big.  Looks like Tommy Hunter has been Pipp’d!  Ogando did leave in the 8th with a recurring blister.  It’s something to watch.  Not literally, unless you’re in the same room as him.

Justin Verlander – 9 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Rudy’s Cy Young pick held down the dangerous Texas offense.  If the Tigers could’ve scored a few runs and Verlander had more than 4 Ks, it would’ve warranted more exclamatory punctuation.

Andrew Bailey – A’s said he should be back in a few weeks.  So his ETA for getting hurt again is approximately a few weeks and a day.

Rajai Davis – To the 15-day DL with an ankle injury.  You never hear about cankle injuries.  You goofed, God, cankles are more durable.

Sam Fuld – 4-for-6 with two doubles, a triple and a homer to complete The Hungry Man cycle.  The 30-year-old AAAA Cub OF has become a Bear since he moved to Tampa.  He’s now stolen 5 SBs on the year and hit his first bomb today.  Don’t drop anyone too valuable for him, but you’ve got to ride his hot streak.

Jeremy Hellickson – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (5 walks), 1 K.  Hellickson didn’t have his ‘A’ stuff.  Wasn’t quite his Triple-A stuff either.  Didn’t matter since the Rays bats finally made it through customs.

Matt Joyce – 1-for-6, batting third.  Would’ve been nice if he had a big game to justify him staying in the lineup, but that’s A Portrait of the Unqualified Hitter in the Three Hole from Joyce.

Adrian Gonzalez – 1-for-2 with a triple and Ortiz went 2-for-4 with a triple as the grounds crew at Fenway moved third base on top of second.

Edinson Volquez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks with more first inning shenanigans.  The Reds might consider letting Volquez pitch batting practice to the Reds before his starts.

Chris Heisey – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer as he hit leadoff.  Dusty thinks Oh-Bee-Pee is that movie theater candy that stick in your teeth, but I still wouldn’t be surprised if Stubbs sits a lot more if he doesn’t start hitting.

Jonny Gomes – Now has a homer in back-to-back games.  Not quite as hot as Jennifer Connelly going back-to-back in Requiem for a Dream, but not bad.

Jonathan Herrera – 2-for-4, now 7 for his last 10 with steals in back-to-back games.  Shouldn’t last but in deep enough leagues, I’d definitely take a look.  (Note: As I wrote that, WordPress told me, “You do not have permission to do that.”  Take that as you want.)

Seth Smith – 3-for-4 with a steal.  Right now, The Lisper’s Nightmare is playing every day vs. righties and hitting .367.

Mike Pelfrey – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Probably the last time I’m going to repeat myself on this topic so head’s up to those of youse who weren’t paying attention for the last three months.  Ixnay on the Elfreypay.

Mark Buehrle – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K.  Isn’t it funny — which naturally means this is completely unfunny — how Buehrle throws a perfect game or near-perfect game a few times a year then is totally mediocre the rest of the year?

Matt Thornton – 1/3 IP with the blown save, but the tying run was unearned, so there’s the junebug on the duck’s back or some other yokelism.  BTW, Juan Pierre has blown the last two Thornton blown saves.  He’s like the anti-DeWayne Wise.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Homer yesterday, now has 4 homers on the year.  A’la Cher from Clueless, “As….DRUBAL!”

Mitch Talbot – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Talbot has a 1.46 ERA on the year, Indians are 8-2 and a pig just flew by my window.  And the pig was wearing a lovely Hawaiian muumuu from Talbot’s.

Tyler Chatwood – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Did they promote him from an Indiana high school?  (Hey, Hoosiers fans!)  He’s super young/raw/adjective and his last name sounds like a website you don’t want your significant other finding in your browser history.  I wouldn’t touch Chatwood at all this year in non-keepers, until he strings together a few weeks of quality starts.

Starlin Castro – 3-for-5, a steal and hitting .364.  He’s no As…DRUBAL!  But he’s doing his thang.  Or is it thing?

Madison Bumgarner – 5 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks.  It’s time to worry that the extra innings last year are emphasizing the first syllable of his last name.

Pat Burrell – 2-for-2 with his 4th homer.  It’s Pat the Bat and he’s swinging, ladies.

Chone Figgins – It’s one thing when someone like Ryan Howard doesn’t hit their weight, but when it’s someone like Figgins it’s another thing.  Figgins left Monday night’s game early with a thumb bruise – early word is that it’s day-to-day but he probably warrants a stint on the Disgraceful List.

Matt Kemp – 1-for-2, 1 RBI and his 7th steal while batting .441!  New coach Davey Lopes is like the SB whisperer.  BTW, a friend went to Kemp’s party after the Dodgers opening night win at a club here in LA.  Two hours after the win, Kemp was standing on the bar with two champagne bottles flipped over, pouring into his mouth like he was a fountain.  I like it!  He’s playing loose!

Rafael Furcal – Broken thumb and he’s contemplating retirement.  Sounds like his dream of being a movie reviewer isn’t going to happen either.

Jon Rauch – Yesterday, Shawn Camp got to blow the game for the Jays.  Okay, not sure where Rauch was.  A pickup game with Mets pitcher, Chris Young?  Saving a kitten from the top of a skyscraper?  Picking coconuts?

Mat Latos – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Actually, he didn’t look that bad, but I still wouldn’t buy into him because of the excess innings from last year.  Also, I find it weird how I loved him last year and this year I watched him for about two innings and thought he was such a douche.  “Ooh, I’m Mat Latos and I’m yelling for Gomes to run faster on a home run.”  Perhaps if you stop giving them up, it won’t be a problem.  How’s dem apples?  Sour?

Orlando Hudson – 2-for-4, 2 steals.  He stole 4 bases in April of 2009 and only stole 4 more the rest of the year.  Yup.

Corey Patterson – 2-for-5 with a homer as he filled in for Rajai.  Looking for a guy that can give you an 0-for-35?  Look no further!  For a limited time only, Patterson might be a worthwhile fantasy add.

Milton Bradley – 2-for-4 with his first homer.  He’s still batting third and batty, in general.

Lance Berkman – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Welcome to the Cardinals, Guy Who Looks Like He Could Be the Host of Man vs. Food’s Father.

Kyle McClellan – 6 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  For my next trick, I will resurrect Steve Howe’s corpse and turn him into a Hall of Famer.  That’s what Dave Duncan said after yesterday’s game.