On Sunday, Nolan Arenado broke out of a mini-slump and hit his first home run since August 8. He couldn’t have asked for a better matchup this week than the one that he gets on Tuesday night against Chase Anderson and the Brewers. This game is on the road, so it doesn’t have quite the positive effect on hitters, but Miller Park is one of the more hitter friendly parks in the league–it just isn’t Coors on a hot summer night. Arenado has owned Anderson throughout his career, hitting three home runs in 20 career at-bats against the righty. Priced at just $4,500, Arenado is actually reasonable. If he goes on an extended hot streak, his price will surely jump, so use him at a mild bargain. You’ll see below who I recommend building your lineup around. Arenado comes in right behind the burly right-hander from the North Side of Chicago.
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Chad Green was out there painting corners like he was on work release and someone decided the yellow curb needed to be yellower! Green ball in the corner pocket is what he felt! Green was dealing like a sad-looking, poker dealer at a poker room that is badly lit, which is known for having great dealers! Green for the money, gold for the honeys! Yesterday, Green was the envy of the league, though not a shizzton happened, admittedly. He threw 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 11 Ks vs. the Jays. Because his name is Green! Nah, that’s prolly not the reason, but it’s an interesting thought. Green has worked well in the minors (1.52 ERA in Triple-A), and gets strikeouts (9.5 K/9) with his mid-90s MPH fastball, and cutter. At this point, I’d still rely on the Stream-o-Nator with him for shallower mixed leagues, but I could see a flyer on him in keeper leagues for a chance there’s something here moving into 2017. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Steve Cishek hit the DL with the same injury that sounds like it once affected Nadia Comaneci –a torn labrum. Grey’s got Olympics fever! Which this year sounds like it can be transmitted by a mosquito. “I’m not wearing my Brazilian national flag t-shirt to sit in the room all day! Actually, I feel a little woozy too.” That’s a family of four coming down with the Zika Virus at this year’s Olympics. With Cishek likely out for the year, grab Edwin Diaz in all leagues. On a related note, I’ll leave you with the Double Dutch Bus, a song that Missy Elliott later made famous on Gossip Folks. The chorus for Double Dutch Bus sounds like it’s just me trying to say the name Steve Cishek. Fast forward to 2:15 if you’re not feeling early 80s funk and just want the guy to say Steve Cishek repeatedly.
Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Open the door, get on the floor. Everybody walk the F. Lindor. Boom boom acka-lacka lacka boom. Boom boom acka-lacka boom boom. I can’t remember when the shortstop position was this deep. And by deep I mean you have more options than Troy Tulowitzki, who was all but guaranteed to be injured yet still outscore the field, and Jose Reyes who relied heavily on his legs to get him points. I guess there were a few years where Jimmy Rollins was a strong play at the position, but regularly there was just one, maybe two, studs at shortstop. The landscape looks quite different in 2016.
*nervous finger tap* How many days without baseball? So, I can close my fantasy baseball team browser window without missing anything? Okay. *throws computer out window* What? Was there another way to close my fantasy team page? I hadn’t in so long I forgot. What do you mean I can go outside without worrying about missing anything in baseball? But there’s real people out there! I’m staying right here, thank you very much! So, we’re headed to the break, but Craig Kimbrel just has a tear, no break. He hit the DL with a medial meniscus tear in his knee. Oddly enough, a remedial mend-iscus Band-Aid is not used to fix this. I think you messed up modern medicine, but I’ll reserve judgment. This will sideline Kimbrel for about four weeks. In his place will be Koji Uehara. Koji is famous for his food truck and 41-year-old junk pitches. The newly-acquired Brad Ziegler, who should put a Z like Zorro on the mound after every strikeout, will back up Uehara, because Ziegler’s kinda bleh (1.40+ WHIP, 6-ish K/9) and Koji’s been in Boston a while. Since Boston’s colors are red, they should call him Scarlett Uehara. As for over in Arizona, I agree with Dan Pants in Saturday’s roundup. The non-Yankee Clippard is the one to own. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
A dollar doesn’t buy you much anymore in this world. It’s disappointing how much the value of the dollar has diminished over the last many years. I gave a bank teller a George Washington and he handed me back 90 cents. Who am I to argue with a teller. I gave a homeless woman a dollar the other day and she called me a pathetic cheapskate. Did she really have to use the word “pathetic”? Even the Wu Tang Clan is looking to replace the words dollar bill from C.R.E.A.M. Is the dollar on life support? I just don’t know. But I’ll tell you one thing a dollar can buy you… fantasy baseball players that will make you the owner of a first place team.
Rostering only players that cost $1, including players that were not drafted at all, I could easily assemble a first place team. I’m including players that were not drafted because they could have been for a dollar. I realize that hindsight is 20/20, but let me show you what $10 could have gotten you in your 2016 fantasy baseball auction draft…
The sixth inning of every home Clayton Kershaw start isn’t going to be the same. No longer will Angelenos be filing in as if it’s the first, suddenly realizing that Kershaw is pitching, but now they will be stuck talking about everything but baseball for the entirety of the game and not simply 95% of it. “Ma, can I keep score on the back of my headshot?” “We’re not here to see the game, Timmy, we’re here to run into commercial directors. This is where Stew’s mom got him that Tropicana commercial. You want to pay my bills, don’t you?” “Sorry, ma.” Like the oral sex scene in The World According to Garp, it’s a devastating blow losing Kershaw for any amount of time. He was diagnosed with a herniated disc, but won’t require surgery. The Dodgers are hoping he’s back (poor choice of words) from the DL right after the All-Star Game. I’d pray with you, but I’m using my hands to clap for not drafting a pitcher in the 1st round. The Dodgers did pick up Bud Norris in a trade to fill in. Won’t see any fall off there! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Yesterday, Noah Syndergaard admitted to having an elbow bone spur after denying it multiple times. Terry Collins said, “No one would know our business if it wasn’t for giving the PR job to a puppy dog! Ruff ruff! Come here, Fido, I wanna spank you with a rolled up newspaper!” This is the 2nd Mets’ starter in two days with elbow spurs. I look forward to the opening round of the playoffs when all of the Mets’ starters are wearing Iron Mike Sharpe elbow pads to hold their arms together. Or they hire John Cusack to marionette their starters. So, this is obviously not good news from Syndergaard, but it’s also not the end of his season. He could opt for surgery if he’s in pain, but he says he’s not in pain (though, he also said he didn’t have elbow spurs up until yesterday). Jon Lester has pitched through elbow spurs for the last five years. It’s not uncommon for starters to power through. Would I look to sell Syndergaard low? No. If you can get a healthy, similar starter, then sure, why not? No reason to panic. Unless Syndergaard starts wearing cowboy boots on his elbow. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
With the complexity of scoring, much like that of Scrabble, the steals game is all about the triple word score. With names and with letters that are uncommon for words, you know the J’s and X’s of the world. We all can cheat and make the word “jo” or “ox”, but imagine the scoring erection you will get when you use Rajai This wordsmith of the basepaths has been giving new form to the SAGNOF game. Over the last 14 games, no one in the game has more steals than Davis. Rajai has been the Magi of it for years, and it is crazy to think that he’s crazy Joe Louis old. He is 35, which isn’t quite as old as me, but I also don’t even run when chased, let alone run 90 feet from pillow to pillow. For the most part, Rajai is the goods because he basically fills all your SAGNOF needs and isn’t and absolute void in other categories like a newly DL’d Mallex. Davis, over the last 14, has put up 2 HRs and a cup full of RBIs. It is more than what we get from Mallex, who offers nothing but steals. even is an abysmal in BA, and his one saving grace is that his OBP is decent because he takes walks at almost a 17% clip. So for the few of you that are surfing for a SAGNOF savior to replace your Mallex fix… here are some names that could be good for now and later. Side note, I used to love that candy.
You know how they have pink bats for Mother’s Day? They should have bats in the shape of penises for Father’s Day. “Ooh, a swing and a miss. Damn, he had that schlong just out in front of that ball.” “You know socialism never worked, but penises have worked for thousands of years, depending on what interpretation of the Bible you ascribe to.” “Wow, what size bat is David Ortiz using?” Happy Father’s Day to all of our readers minus five ladies! Yesterday, for Dad’s Day, Julio Teheran showed us Americans how they do it in Iran on Father’s Day. Teheran #1 — ptooey everyone us! His line was 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks and 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.66. I’ve been saying for a few weeks now that Teheran is worth picking up. He’s obviously not this good. His xFIP is 3.97, but his walk rate is down from last year and his ground balls are up, not literally. Other than last year, he was a consistent low-3, high-2 ERA guy, and he looks like he found his way back there. By the way, if you’re thinking what I’m thinking, agreed, we should not allow any university lacrosse teams access to the penis bats. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball: