Fantasy Baseball Advice

After the top 20 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball, guess what we have here?  The top something-something’s? Cute, random italicized voice.  We have the top 40 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  That’s right, Wonderful just gave birth to Awesome.  Wanna hear something even awesomier?  I’m going to turn this to 60 then 80.  Hopefully I don’t blow my amp.  The hardest part about writing these 2012 fantasy baseball rankings posts is writing this opening.  Trying to make the clerical stuff sound less clerical, ya know?  So I just copied the openings from previous years where applicable.  As with other rankings, where I see tiers beginning and ending are mentioned along with my projections.  Anyway, here’s the top 40 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball:

21. Krispie Young – This tier started in the top 20 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  This tier goes from here until Kendrick.  I call this tier, “I’ll happily reach for one of these guys if I have to, in the non-sexual way.  Though it’s kinda sad this is the third tier of outfielders that I’m excited about.  Times is tough, yo.”  Krispie is another guy that I kinda wanted to move to another tier and he’s even pretty far below Stubbs (though it sure doesn’t seem that way in these rankings).  What Krispie has going for him that Beej and Stubbs don’t is 25-plus homer power.  He’s pretty seriously deficient in average though, and when I’m saying that compared to Stubbs and Upton, it’s saying something.  Grey said, “Something.”  See?  2012 Projections:  85/25/80/.235/25

22. Jason Heyward – This is probably the furthest I’m out on a limb with an outfielder.  He could be a worse pick than Markakis.  Last year Heyward hurt his shoulder, then Glass Chipper started questioning his manhood even though Chipper invented the oblique just so he could miss 40 games a year.  Heyward’s BABIP was obscenely low so he should hit at least 40 points higher without much effort.  Hitting for a better average with a healthier shoulder should help him build confidence, move him up in the order and hit for more power.  You could blend those variables together and you may end up with a wheatgrass/kale antioxidant health drink that is supposed to be good for you but just makes you want to vomit.  If at any point in the spring there’s news that his shoulder is still bothering him, I’ll drop him way down in the rankings.  2012 Projections:  80/22/90/.280/10

23. Howie Kendrick – I went over Kendrick’s projections in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

24. Shin-Soo Choo – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Gordon.  I call this tier, “I could see myself missing out on these guys because others are believing them more than me.” Most ‘perts are looking at Choo’s 2011 as an aberration.  That wasn’t Soo Choo, that was Soju.  An Asian flush with bad luck.  So last year he had a .317 BABIP (off his career rate, but not really that terrible), a 1o.4% HR/FB (again, not hideous), a 10.1% walk rate (not bad) and a 21.8% K-rate (around his career rate).  He missed a bunch of games because of injury.  If he’s healthy, he’s back to the 17-20 homer, 17-20 steal guy.  Yay.  I don’t know; it’s all right.  I’m not excited to draft him.  2012 Projections:  80/17/85/.280/17

25. Carl Crawford – Last year, things started poorly and went from bad to Mad Libs in the cliche.  Slumps get into guys’ heads and if there isn’t a big girl around to have sex with that slump can last longer than anyone wants.  I’m willing to ignore last year.  Really, I am.  Then the wrist surgery this offseason.  Damn, that wrist got me pist.  Red Sox are reporting he should be ready for Opening Day.  I’m reporting he’s going to miss a month.  There’s a small silver lining.  His wrists aren’t his legs.  Hey, I should’ve gotten better than a C in Human Anatomy!  If he falls, I could see gambling on him, but it’s probably not going to happen if you follow my rankings.  2012 Projections:  75/10/70/.280/30

26. Alex Gordon – Here’s what I said at the end of last year for Gordon, “Gordon’s line this year was 101/23/87/.303/17.  Terrific!  Wonderful!  Tonderific!  But if you peek under the hood, things aren’t as they seem.  His BABIP is .358, easily a career high in the majors.  His walk rate and line drive rate dropped from last year, and his ground ball rate nudged up.  His homers and speed look about right, but if luck goes against him those two categories could get affected.  He’s probably much closer to a .280 hitter with 17-20 homers and 12-15 steals.  With just a tad bad luck, he becomes a fifteen homer guy with 10 steals and a .265 average.  That’s far from spectacular.  That’s spectaculess.  I just made that up; you like it?  You use it.”  And that’s me quoting me!  2012 Projections:  85/20/100/.280/12

27. Brett Gardner – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Rasmus.  I call this tier, “I’m targeting these guys for my teams.  They might all end up getting sleeper posts.  You’ve been forewarned.  (Bee tee dubya, the projections in this tier are a bit optimistic, but I’m sick of hiding my excitement.  Let me free-ball and show you my love!)”  I’m unabashedly a fan of Gardner, which makes very little sense if you’ve read this site for an extended period of time because usually I ignore SAGNOF’ers and just grab one later or off waivers.  To me, Gardner is underrated, which is odd because Yankees are usually overrated.  Gardner is just an enigma wrapped inside a riddle inside a fortune cookie that reads, “Person who sleeps with scratchy rear wakes with smelly finger.” 2012 Projections:  105/8/50/.280/50

28. Jayson Werth – Ponder this, guys and three girl readers, is Werth that different from Corey Hart?  Okay, stop pondering it, your eyes are crossing.  He’s not hitting 35+ homers again like he used to in Citizens Flank, but he should also be better than last year and the Nats offense is looking solid.  Yeah, I know how weird that sounds.  Don’t point out the obvious.  2012 Projections:  75/22/90/.265/15

29. Logan Morrison – His Isolated Power was .221.  Dan Uggla’s was .220.  Paul Konerko’s .217.  Jay Bruce’s .217.  Logan Morrison only hit 23 homers last year.  He missed almost 40 games last year because of injuries and his inability to put the cone of silence on his Twitter account.  He’ll only be 24 years old for the better part of 2012 and the Miami Marlins revamped their lineup by throwing some fabulous moolah around for a World Series ring.   2012 Projections:  60/25/75/.270/5

30. Michael Cuddyer – Went over Cuddyer’s projections in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

31. Peter Bourjos – What does it mean that Bourjos is ranked this high?  It means we’re all screwed.  Sorry, don’t mean to yell fire in the theater of Razzball, but outfield is shallower than a conversation with a Kardashian.  I already went over my Bourjos 2012 fantasy.  I wrote it while refusing to eat at Subway because it reeks of onions.  2012 Projections: 85/15/50/.255/35

32. Alex Rios – I wrote an Alex Rios 2012 fantasy post.  It pained me to write that post and I hope you forgive me but I felt like it needed to be said.  Now please forget the apology if I’m right or forget that I wrote the post if I’m wrong.  Thanks, over-the-internet friend!  2012 Projections:  75/17/85/.270/22

33. Colby Rasmus – I’m out on serious limbs with some the players’ rankings in this tier.  Just when you thought I was totally out of my gourd with my Rios ranking, here’s Rasmus about 35 spots ahead of where I see some other ‘perts ranking him.  The key thing with drafting is you are drafting for the upcoming year, don’t try and put together a team that would’ve kicked serious booty while bagging last year’s doubloons.  That’s not going to win you something, but hopefully I just learned you something.  Hey, that sounds like a rhyme Pitbull would make.  Blah blah blah Kodak, blah blah blah Kodak.  2012 Projections:  85/22/70/.265/10

34. Corey Hart – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Ethier.  I call this tier, “I’ll reluctantly draft these guys, but I’d rather not.”  On first glance, Corey Hart’s season last year looks okay.  On second glance, his 2010 season of 31 homer, 7 steal 2010 and 2011 of 26/7 look remarkably similar — he simply had 15 less games last year.  On third glance, you see his fly ball rate plummeted and start to think his homer per fly ball rate is unsustainable.  On fourth glance, you start to wonder why you’re looking at Corey Hart’s numbers four times.  On fifth glance, there is no fifth glance.  On sixth glance, you think about how he may not break 75 runs or RBIs without Prince Fielder, fifty games of The Hebrew Herpes and the invariably injured Weeks.  On seventh glance, you accidentally hypnotize yourself and begin to cluck like a chicken in front of an audience of strangers.  2012 Projections:  75/24/70/.265/8

35. Nick Markakis – The last four years his homer totals have been 20, 18, 12, 15.  One of these years he may stand up and say he is Sparkakis, but until then I don’t care to gamble on a guy that is averaging 16 1/4 homers a year.  I mean, who ever even heard of quarter homers?  Those are singles, Nick.  Elevate the ball.  2012 Projections:  80/18/85/.295/10

36. Ben Zobrist – Went over Zobrist’s projections at the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball post.

37. Andre Ethier – This tier that I’m planning on missing makes an already shallow outfield that much more shallow.  I get that.  That’s why I named this tier, “I’ll reluctantly draft…”  I don’t like Ethier, but I can’t turn my nose up at dozens of guys this year.  I don’t buy into Ethier bouncing back to being a top 20 outfielder.  I say if you draft him, you’re going to get a top 30 outfielder at best.  That means he’s ranked near his ceiling.  Opportunity costs will probably have me looking elsewhere.  Hypothetical things that have no weight need to be weighed.  It’s all very scientific.  2012 Projections:  70/22/85/.295

38. Ryan Braun – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until here.  I call this tier, “Herpes or bust.”  Ryan Braun was either taking medication that he bought from a farmacia in Tijuana to suppress the cold sores he contracted from his Affliction t-shirts which triggered a positive drug test or he bought a performance-enhancing drug from that same Tijuana farmacia.  Your guess = my guess.  For further reading on the subject, check Google images for “Braun junk pictures” or read my Braun 2012 fantasy.  2012 Projections:  55/20/70/.280/12

39. Torii Hunter – This is a new tier.  This tier ends at Vernon Wells then starts again in the top 60 for 2012 fantasy baseball so I can sneak in the SAGNOF tier.  I call this tier, “Vets that I’m either lukewarm about or slightly more than lukewarm about.  Read the temperature gauge.”  The guys in this tier are mostly okay, unless you draft your team then get in a DeLorean and play out your fantasy league in 2004.  Then they’re awesome!  Maybe one of the guys in this tier has a Lance Berkman 2011 year.  There always seems to be one, but don’t say you know which guy it is — someone might be listening.  If I had to bet on a surprising year from one vet, I’d go with Torii Hunter.  Lineup’s going to be the best he’s had in a while and he can lamp in the outfield.  Will he definitely surprise like that doode from Community coming out with one of the best albums of 2011?  Nah, but the Torii Hunter gambino won’t cost you much.  2012 Projections:  80/24/90/.270/7

40. Vernon Wells – Cause crazy talk isn’t just something that I reserve for Alex Rios, I also wrote a Vernon Wells sleeper post.  No, there will be no sleeper post about Todd Helton, but that’s funny and sarcastic.  You’re a double threat!  2012 Projections:  75/25/85/.260/8

40 1/16. Michael Bourn – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the end of this post.  I call this tier, “SAGNOF!”  I just throw all these schmohawk steals guys in the same tier, because, well, frankly, interjection, they’re the same shizz.  Bourn gets you nothing but steals.  If you think that’s a smart way to build a team, I got a Lorenzo Cain, Michael Brantley or yadda³ off waivers that says you should follow the SAGNOF theorem of evolution that says these guys ain’t got no face.  Double negatives being damned, and all.  2012 Projections:  90/2/40/.280/50

40 1/8. Emilio Bonifacio – I went over Bonifacio’s projections in the top 20 shortstops for 2012 fantasy baseball.

40 1/4. Coco Crisp – Coco Crisp could be a cheap Brett Gardner.  Yes, I’m being cereal.  2012 Projections:  65/7/50/.260/35

40 what/fraction-is-this? Nyjer Morgan – Or should I say Tony Plush?  I could see a scenario where Morgan gets confused by not seeing Fielder and Braun and steals two bases in one inning for two different teams.  Sorta like a Joel Youngblood move, only crazier.  2012 Projections:  65/3/30/.270/27

40 3/4. Juan Pierre – Doesn’t have a team yet, but if he gets an everyday job then he’ll give you the usual.  If you don’t know what Juan Pierre gives you fantasy-wise, I have a copper-plated zinc portrait of Lincoln to sell you for $19.99.  2012 Projections:  85/1/40/.285/30

40 7/8. Rajai Davis – Doesn’t have a starting job right now, but didn’t last year and stole 34 bases.  Nothing like a basestealer that has a walk rate under 5%.  Rajai, you can’t steal first base, but you can throw your elbow into a pitch or two.  Keep that in mind.  2012 Projections:  40/1/20/.260/30

On this episode of Solid Goldschmidt, we have Neil Young performing, “I’ve Been Searchin’ For a Heart of Goldschmidt,” and later the nursery rhyme, “John Jacob Paul Goldschmidt, His Name Is On My Buy List Too,” song by Various Artists.  Well, I’m just full of Goldschmidt!  Goldschmidt may have Growing Pains but don’t call him Tracey.  Okay, breathe, Grey, you got puns… Breathe!  Remove the cigarette and put on the oxygen mask — stat!  When Goldschmidt was called up, trades were going down — the end of July is kind of a big deal! — so Goldschmidt never got his lead.  Well, here we are.  Paul Goldschmidt hit 30 homers in Double-A this year with 9 steals.  Go for the Goldschmidt!  Geez, I’m trying to stop.  In most mixed leagues where you’re struggling with your corner infidel, I’d give him a shot.  There’s Goldschmidt in dar hills!  Okay, done.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Derek Holland – I’m not a huge fan of borderline Ranger starters.  Sorry, Nolan.  Their home park is Coors South.  Seems like at any moment Holland could give up seven earned runs in two-thirds of an inning.  Now that I’ve undersold (underbought?) him, he does have three shutouts in his last five starts.

Brett Cecil – Member what I said earlier today?  Actually, I’m writing this before I said anything, but I’m sure I’ll say something.  I always do.  Oh, Grey.

Ivan Nova – 5 IP, 1 ER or 6 IP, 4 ER.  That would be my exacta box if I had to choose Nova’s next start.

James McDonald – I almost called him James McStreamer.  He’s been solid for the last two months, besides a start in Citizens Flank and yesterday.  Can’t hold that against him; a lot better pitchers have been hit hard in Philly and yesterday’s start was four earned on four hits, that’s just mistimed big hits.

Alex Cobb – The Tampa Bay Peach has an ERA of 2.79, a WHIP of 1.20 and he gets those not-so-Athletics tomorrow.  Yes, please and why not?

Charlie Furbush – Then after you pick him up you can cheer him on, “I love Furbush!” and your significant other can overhear and misunderstand you like in an O. Henry story and throw out her razors.

Jason Kipnis – Nothing says nourishing like some homers from Kipnis and a side of stuffed derma.

Brett Lawrie – Hope you didn’t miss out on him to the guy in your league that owns Desmond Jennings.  People will point and laugh at you.  Can you handle that sort of ridicule?

Chris Davis – It’s easy to look past his three years of failed hitting…Actually, it’s not easy to look past it.  His grandmother Ann B. Davis would be very disappointed, and she’s fun-loving and carefree.  If you’re really struggling at a corner slot, you could do worse (though not much, potentially).

Eric Young Jr. – Playing and stealing… Because he can! (And Tracy’s playing him and he’s fast.)

Eduardo Nunez – In one of my deepish leagues, someone dropped Eduardo Nunez.  On one hand, I understand it.  He’s not doing all that much.  Then on the other hand, he can slot in at MI and steal bases.  Then on the the third lesser known hand that is actually just a big ear, you should probably play the hot hand… Wait, another hand?  Now I’m confused.

Rafael Furcal – Member when he was good?  Yeah, I faintly do too.  Was a while ago.  He looks like he’s hitting now between DL stints, so it’s worth a flyer.

Dee Gordon – See Eric Young Jr. or an inch above.

Josh Willingham – The other white meat is hot with a side order of hot schmotato.

J.D. Martinez – The only thing standing between you and J.D. Martinez is the common sense that says don’t pick up an Astros hitter.  I get it, but in some deep NL-Only leagues you have no choice.

Mike Carp – He keeps hitting but without power because he plays in one of those godforsaken ballparks that end in -co.  We’ve cleaned baseball of steroids… Now move the fences in 100 feet!  I miss 70 homer seasons.  (Yet, no one thought it was weird at the time.  70 homers?!)

Lucas Duda – If I keep touting him, people are gonna start to think I really like this schmohawk.  I mean, he’s a’ight.  The preceding was taught in Hedging Your Fantasy Advice 101 at the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston.  You, “This guy is a fraud.  I’ve done Google searches and the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston appears nowhere except on this site.  I tried Bing and it doesn’t show up there either.  What gives, Grey?  This isn’t a ruse, is it?  I can’t handle ruses.”

SELL

Danny Espinosa – I’ll be honest, I hate doing these Sells.  The Buys either hit or they don’t and you drop them.  The Sells require you to drop them, then they get hot out of nowhere and you end up sending me anthrax.  With that said, Espinosa’s doing a whole lot of nothing.  He’s dug himself a hole — and I mean a hole literally and figuratively — and the best I see from him is maybe 6 more homers, a few steals and a lousy average.  You can probably find that elsewhere, unless your league is so deep you can’t.  These are decisions for you to make.  Or not.

Rajai Davis – In most leagues, you want someone who is going to steal bases AND (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) play every day.  Right now, Davis is on the outside looking in on a Jays lineup that is filled with one outfielder, two 3rd basemen and six DHs.

Jordan Zimmermann – I told you to trade him a little over a month ago. Now you’re lucky to get the Padres top prospect, Nadir Bupkis.

Anibal Sanchez – Has nearly a 5.00 ERA in the last month and a half.  BTW, you think Anibal and Gaby Sanchez ever double date with two girls named Kevin and Bob?

Juan Pierre – Has 4 steals in the last two months.  Or one less than Eric Young Jr. in the last week.  Since we started this post with a nod to Kanye, let’s end it the same way, “You’ve been putting up for Alex Rios for way too long…. Kenny Williams is so gifted at findin’ what you don’t like the most…  So I think it’s time for us to have a toast… Let’s have a toast for Juan Pierre who stopped stealing bags… Let’s have a toast for Adam Dunn who’s in an o-for-78 hole… Let’s have a toast for Alex Rios who raised the white flag… Let’s have a toast for Gordon Beckham who didn’t have the decency to take a day off…”

Some rejected titles were, “Cards Have Jon Jay, Rasmus Have Blue Jays,” “Cards Trade Rasmus For Queen Elizabeth-Visaged Cents On the Dollar,” and “Ervin Santana Threw A No-Hitter, Beltran Was Traded — Hey, Baseball, Spread Some Of Your Breaking Stories Around.”  So Colby Rasmus was sent to the Blue Jays, Edwin Jackson was sent to the Cardinals via Chicago and a whole lot of other shizz.  Let’s start with Colby.  Hey, Geiger, let’s go (to Canada)!  Rasmus will move into center field, sending Rajai to the bench.  I’m sure Colby will be empathic.  “One day we will write a song together titled, “Centerfield” using John Fogerty’s lyrics and music then we will sue him for copyright infringement.”  That’s Colby meeting Rajai for the first time.  Last week, I was down on Rasmus, in the non-sexual way.  Sick of watching him sit on the bench while Pujols farted in his general direction.  Now, much like a fugitive from justice, Rasmus has a fresh start in Canada.  His value definitely goes from a negative to a positive, Biggie.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Edwin Jackson – Another guy that gets a fantasy boost with a trade.  Any time you’re going from the AL to the NL, I like it.  Does he suddenly become the meow’s cat?  I’m not entirely sure.  His NL ERA last year was 5.16, his AL ERA was 3.24.  All of his good years have come in the AL.  Yeah, he’s a riddle inside of a Sphinx testicle.  In deeper leagues or just mixed leagues where you need to gamble, I’d grab Jackson and hope Dave Duncan can do the voodoo that he do.

Octavio Dotel – To the Cards.  I actually grabbed Dotel for potential saves in a few leagues because La Russa is as predictable as the weather….if you’re not told the location or the season.

Jon Jay – Should now see the majority of the starts in the outfield…Hmm, actually he was seeing the majority of the starts in the outfield.  I’m sure La Russa will find a way to work Corey Patterson into the equation, and that equation for him is Happiness = CF – Rasmus.  Kinda cute how much everyone wants to now own (anagrams!) The Federalist, whose line is 30/7/26/.312/5 through 260 ABs.  That looks pretty yawnstipating to me.  As a 5th outfielder, I guess you can do worse.  Speaking of which…

Rajai Davis – 1-for-3 with 2 steals as he makes a last ditch effort to prove his worth, but he now becomes a late inning replacement in Toronto.  Unless La Russa is traded to the Jays.

Mark Teahen – Was traded too.  So he’s still in baseball?  Good for him.

Marc Rzepcynzki – Traded to the Cardinals, disappointing many Scrabblophiles who were hoping he’d be traded to the White Sox to partner with A.J. Pierzynski and make Ozzie Guillen’s head explode.

Carlos Beltran – To the Giants.  Beltran’s a bigger name than Rasmus in real baseball, but for fantasy this move is lateral.  Pitchers park to pitchers park, weak lineup to weak lineup, both teams have employees with monstrous heads (Mr. Met and Bruce Bochy).  Mets or Giants is tomato/tomahto or in baseball parlance Jonny/Jhonny.

Brandon Belt – With the addition of Beltran, sounds like Belt’s being demoted.  You’d think the Giants’ pants would have loops big enough for two belts.

Lucas Duda – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer.  Will now be the guy to replace Beltran.  It’s Duda’s day, camptown races sing that song!  The positives: as just mentioned, he’s playing.  The negatives:  he hasn’t done anything so far this year — 2 homers, 1 steal in 123 ABs.  In Metco, he could have 20+ homer power over the course of a full season.  I wouldn’t pick him up in most mixed leagues until he gets hot, which could be never or Friday if he hits another homer.

Daniel Murphy – 11 for his last 17.  That’s about as hot as a schmotato gets.

Mike Pelfrey – 9 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Geez, the Mets played yesterday like Beltran was Milton Bradley (the baseball player, not the fun for all ages one) — a tumor that just needed to be excised.  I’d continue to ignore Pelfrey, unless he shows up at your door with some imported beer and The Wire DVDs.

Carlos Zambrano – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  This trade deadline story made me giggle.  The Yankees went on record to say they have no interest in Zambrano.  “We’re not going to sit here and specify what players we have or don’t have interest in, except for Zambrano.  No, thank you!”  Maybe the Post can do the title, “Big Z-ero Interest.”

Rickie Weeks – To the 15-day DL with a badly twisted ankle or it might be… Duh-duh-duh… Ligament damage!  But I’m not a doctor though my handwriting is illegible.

James Shields – 4 IP, 10 ER.  Ouch.  Wait, what?  Oh, Jesus Guzman, that’s bad.

Hideki Matsui – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 9th homer.  He came to be called Godzilla because of monstrous homers and acne.  Well, he’s still got the acne and lately some homers.

Joe Mauer – Hit his first homer of the year.  Now only three off the Pinto pace car Morneau.  Or the same number of homers a 40-year-old Giambi managed in one game earlier this year.  How can Gardy ever get over losing Nick Punto when Mauer’s power stroke is always there to remind him?

Alex Rios – The White Sox are indefinitely benching Rios for indefinitely sucking this year.  His current 52 OPS+ is in the running for the WORST OF season ever.  If you’re in a mixed league and held onto Rios this long, just say Adios Rios already.   The White Sox still owe him $38 million over the next 3 years so they’re left saying “Ay Dios Rios!” while they wait for the 2006-2008 and 2010 Rios to reappear.  Between Rios and Wells, if the Blue Jays ever offer Bautista and his $65 million contract to you in a trade, DON’T TAKE IT!

Alejandro De Aza – 1-for-4 with a home run as he started in center.  In the minor leagues, he showed very little power and some speed.  He’s just a’ight.  I’m not your babe, I’m not your babe, Alejandro.

John Danks – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Hasn’t allowed more than two runs since May (granted, there was a DL stint in there).  Now would be as good a time as any to pick him up.

Ryan Raburn – 0-for-3 with a strikeout, now has a .259 OBP as he hit second.  You know he only hit second because Leyland always bats his left fielder (Boesch) 2nd and Raburn was filling in for him.  My theory’s holding true that, with the rise of cigarette prices, Leyland has been forced to use his extra lineup cards for tobacco rolling paper.  So he only has one lineup card and he just puts players in the same lineup spot as the player they are replacing.

Justin Upton – 2 homers.  He’s on one of those streaks that would impress A-Rod’s hair stylist.  You know, the one that frosts his tips.

Ian Stewart – 0-for-4, hitting .137.  Him and Chris Davis should go on a cruise together to the Bermuda Triangle.

Ichiro Suzuki – 4-for-5, 2 steals.  M’s must’ve worn their 2010 throwback jerseys.

Mike Carp – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs.  He really seized the day.

Dustin Ackley – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting .301 in 123 ABs.  Let’s hope he doesn’t ask Smoak for his secret to a successful sophomore year.

Paul Maholm – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  His ERA in May was 2.14, 3.13 in June and 3.09 in July.  That seems like enough time to pick him up, but his ownership is at 10% in ESPN.  You people have analysis paralysis or your waiver wire mouse finger is in a cast?

Garrett Jones – Hit his 10th homer, but Jerry Meals called it a triple.

Billy Butler – 3-for-5 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Gotta like the cut of that guy’s manssiere.

Eric Hosmer – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and a homer.  Is now batting near .500 in the last week with only one game in the last 9 days that he had less than 2 hits.  After hitting no homers and .253 in June, he’s on fire in July.  What an odyssey for Hosmer.

Laynce Nix – Hit a homer for the 2nd game in a row.  When he rounds home plate, he should make the Y sign from the YMCA dance.

Drew Storen – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Kazaam!

Ricky Romero – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  As frequent commenter, Steve said, “The Orioles got Rick Ro’d.”

Ervin Santana – With the no-hitter yesterday.  The Sciosciapath said, “What can I say?  Bobby Wilson just knows how to call a game.  See, I taught him everything I refused to teach Napoli.”  With no hits and 10 Ks, there wasn’t a whole lot for the fielders to do.  Maybe that’s a waste of Angels, I don’t know.

So Grey lost his stache in a tragic sparkler related accident, but did manage to partially recover the remnants and is having them reattached as we speak, so I’m going to fill in for him on this sacred of holidays, July 5th.

If you have ever seen or heard of the NFL or smelled a jock strap at any point, then you might want to check out what is going down over on my side of the tracks. We’ve got all kinds of hootenannies and shin-digs about to be gettin up and gettin down, so don’t just hole up over here! Venture out into the world and stop by and and take a load off on the Razzball Football porch, there’ll be lightning bugs and we’ll be drinking rot gut out of a mason jar.

Now that the self promotion is over, read my invaluable thoughts on what happened in Major League Baseball yesterday:

Freddie Freeman: Freddie freed the ball from it’s oppressor, the stadium, twice to celebrate Independence Day. Grey’s pick for NL Rookie of the Year is on pace to be in the running. Those were his 10th and 11th homers so he’s on pace for 78 home runs, oh, let me go over those numbers again, make that, hmmm, so if they play 164 games he’d be on pace for 22 home runs, and if you lop off those 2 games in which he would probably have hit like 8 homers, that would put him on pace for 14.

Mark Reynolds: Mini Donkey hit 2 homers yesterday and just missed a third and is as hot as a donkey can be sans the Tijuanian hooker. Five donks in the last 3 games is ok if you are into that kind of thing.

Rajai Davis: Could the call up of Travis Snider have set a fire under Davis? Well, two games in and you’d have to say yes. And with that kind of sample size there’s no way you can go wrong! I had high hopes for him before the season started and my hopes continued to get lower and lower until they got lower than a slug’s belly, so he can’t really go anywhere but up and going 5 for 9 with 4 stolen bases in the last 2 games is up.

Troy Tulowitzki: He strained his quad and looks like he will be out a couple days. The last time I was at the quad it was to do a little hacky-sacking. Right now they are looking at a couple days rest, but you never know! Be afraid!! Or not, it’s just a game.

Travis Snider: He was called up and quickly hit 3 doubles. Three triples would have been more poetic, but hey, you take what you can get.  But be careful, this dude has a TCAP Stache.

Alex Presley: With Jose Tabata out, Alex has yet to leave the building and the with the way he is playing he may not. He is 12 for 33 since being called up with 6 RBIs and 2 stolen bases. Tabata should be back in a week-ish so don’t get too googly-eyed, but you two could have a magical week together! Send me a postcard.

Pablo Sandoval: The panda dog seems to have gotten his power back. He went 3 for 5 with a panda donk yesterday and has hit in 15 straight games and an extra-base hit in 9 games in a row. And if you find a picture of a panda dog wearing sandals give me a holler.

Emilio Bonafacio: Emily Facebone (rough translation) is sagnoffin like crazy. He has 6 stolen bases in the last 6 games and he happens to be hitting a little as well, which probably helps him get on base and thus steal bases. He is 10 for his last 28.

Adrian Beltre: Yesterday he went 2 for 5 with a home run and he’s gone  9 for his last 16 with 5 runs and 7 RBIs.  If you add all that up it spells, well, nothing because numbers don’t usually add up to words.

Brian Duensing: In his first 4 starts he gave up an America, Eff Yeah-sized 21 runs in 20.2 innings. A run an inning does not look too good on the resume. Since then he has given up 10 runs in his last 7 starts for a much more career builder friendly 2.45 ERA, and a 4-2 record. The competition has been somewhat iffy, so he’s still in spot starterville, but I’m keeping my eye on him.

Ricky Nolasco: He has RickNolled anyone who even thought about owning him, but he has looked better of late. It’s a good sign that he held the Phillies to one run yesterday, but of course the Marlins don’t really care to score runs that often.

Danny Valencia: O Valencia! He’s setting the city on fire! He’s 11 for his last 25 with 2 homers and 9 RBIs in the last 6 games. Will he keep this up? Hmm, maybe, maybe not. What am I, some kind of psychic! But I picked him up in a league where David Wright is taking his own sweet time coming back. Third base is a gaping hole of doom.

Adam Dunn: Big Ass decided to go all Big Donkey for the night and hit a home run and got his second hit off a lefty all season (that raised his average against lefties to .036). This of course coincides with me dropping him. I’m skeptically pessimistic.

Mike Napoli: He’s off the DL and got a hit in his first at bat back. That’s good news.

Matt Holliday heads to the DL with a quadriceps injury.  C’mon, Mantle played with no knees for ten years!  Have a scotch and get in the lineup!  John Jay should see time while Holliday recoups.  Worth owning in 12 team leagues and could make a decent sub while Holliday’s out.  That’s not to say he could make a decent hoagie.  Different things.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kyle McClellan – Out for at least a couple of weeks with a hip flexor strain.  Or it’s hip to be strained, if you’re a kid of the 80′s.

Lance Lynn – Will fill in for McClellan.  Decent K-rate in the minors, a few too many walks at times and barely above average stuff.  But Dave Duncan once coached a pot of a chili to a 12-5 record, so I went out and grabbed Lynn in an NL-Only league.  He could quickly become a decent gamble in mixed leagues, but for now he only has one start guaranteed.

Allen Craig – Didn’t start yesterday, but that didn’t stop him from continuing to hit.  He went 1-for-3 with a home run while batting nearly .500 over the last week.

Hanley Ramirez – Always one to take any opportunity to not hustle, Hanley’s waiting until Friday to decide whether to go on the DL.  If I had to take a guess, I think he will go on the DL.  If you really need speed, I’d grab Bonifacio, who will be playing short in media res.

Aroldis Chapman – Won’t be activated on Friday when eligible.  Dusty said, “He’s got to get things together mentally and emotionally.”  Hey, Aroldis, stop watching Lifetime movies!

Brian Matusz – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He used to be the weak side of the Double Stuff Orioles (with Tillman), but, since his 2nd half ERA last year was 3.63 with a solid K-rate, he’s been the pitcher to own…In deep leagues.  In shallower leagues, he’ll be serviceable at times.  There’s an outside chance for a breakout, but I’d conservatively expect around a 4.00 ERA overall.

Michael Pineda – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I feel like I haven’t talked about Pineda enough.  He has more than a K per inning, a WHIP of 1.00 and an ERA of 2.30.  Let’s see, that’s better than F-Her, Tommy Hanson and Sabathia.  Bingo bango!

Josh Willingham – Yesterday, he hit his third homer in his last six games.  The Hammer in Oakland that you can touch and doesn’t wear pants seventeen sizes too big is crazy hot right now.

Clint Barmes – 2-for-5 and he hit a home run on May 30th.  For him, that’s hot.  Also, I watched him hit yesterday and he looked locked in. Not to mention, I just dropped him in one league so he’s going to spite me.

Brent Lillibridge – 2-for-5 and his 2nd home run in the last five games to go along with a modest five game hitting streak.  Playing every day puts him in over his head like Michael J. Fox in The Secret of My Success, but while he’s hitting, what the hey?

David Ortiz – Hit his 4th home run in the last week and he’s hitting .313 on the year.  Did he get some of Bartolo Colon’s stem cells injected into him too?

Laynce Nix – Hit his 9th home run yesterday.  Yeah, instead of Josh Hamilton in the 2nd round, you could’ve drafted Laynce Nix.  Fantasy Baseball:  If You’re Not Already Prematurely Balding, It’ll Make You Pull Out Your Hair.

Dan Haren – Lower back spasms caused him to fall to his knees in pain.  He screamed, “I feel bad!” then Mark Trumbo put a cape over his shoulders.  Haren said later it felt better and he’s waiting to see how it feels on Thursday before pushing his next start.

Erick Aybar – 3-for-4 and his 14th steal.  Now batting .315 on the year.   He’s a two week hot streak away from being the best shortstop in baseball, even if that’s like being the tallest midget.

Mike Stanton – 3-for-4 with his 12th home run.  The other day someone accused me in the comments of not showing enough love to Stanton.  I found that offensive since I literally drool every time I watch him bat.  On my Trapper Keeper, it says, “I heart Pony Sticks.”  That’s what I secretly call Stanton.  We have pet names.  And I don’t show enough love for him?  Over his first 150 games in the majors, 75/33/88/.258/5.  At the age of 21, that’s a thing of beauty.  If I had to say one player that I think would make the Hall of Fame that has been in the league for only one year, it would be Stanton.  He’ll have 500 homers by the time he’s 33.  Is that enough love?

Javier Vazquez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Well, he finally started K’ing some hitters, so that’s good.  But four earned in six innings isn’t exactly dying your hair blonde and pretending to be Guy Fieri at a local diner.

Cody Ross – 4-for-5 with a steal.  Now has two homers and is 7 for his last 13.  Does he think it’s the playoffs?

Juan Miranda – 2 for his last 18.  And…scene!

Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-4, after hitting 7 homers and .354 in May.  Okay, pop quiz, hotshot.  Who is hitting for a better average?  Peralta or Miggy?  Yup.

Justin Morneau – 0-for-3.  Hey, it’s good to have you back!

Rajai Davis – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st home run.  Now hitting near .350 over the last week and 15 steals on the year.  For a SAGNOF’er, because of his placement in the lineup, he might set the record for ribbies.  Prince Fielder, “Someone say ribbies?!”

Ubaldo Jimenez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  2010 called, it wants its start back.

Carlos Santana – Indians scored 13 runs and Santana went 0-for-3.  Ticker tease!  Though, it’s been more like a ticker season.  Comatose Indians Fan, “I’ve been asleep for the last two months but I see the Indians have the best record in baseball?!  Wow, I can only imagine what Carlos Santana, Sizemore and Choo are doing!”  Yeah, not what you think.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs.  Okay, he is the best shortstop as of right now.  Fair enough.

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Since I’m venting today, someone the other day mentioned how I didn’t say anything when Marcum had a bad last start.  He pitched fine, he grooved one to some rookie that no one thought could hit (Brandon Crawford) and he hit a grand slam.  He threw a bad pitch, he didn’t throw a bad game.

Nyjer Morgan – 2-for-3 in back-to-back games.  He’s really not much better than Gomez, and Gomez isn’t very good, but Morgan is at least hitting.

Vicente Padilla – From the files of, “Yeah, Well, Dur,” Mattingly says Padilla will regain the closer role on Friday when he returns from the DL.

Daniel Murphy – 2-for-4 as he stays sizzling.  At least two hits in the past four games.  He’s not glamorous, but hot schmotatos rarely are.

Kevin Correia – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks with his 8th win.  I’m still waiting for Correia to go south and smell of fermented cabbage.

Mike Leake – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He’s a deep league add at this point since he may not stay in the rotation for long.

Jay Bruce – Hit his 17th home run.  Or one home run for every baby born in the Ohio area in the last month named Bruce.  Broose counts as well.

Felipe Paulino – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I do love his Ks, but…must…resist…urge…to…pick…him….up.  He’s just too inconsistent.

Billy Butler – Hit his 4th home run, a game winner.  After he crossed home, someone threw beads at him.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – Headed for Tommy John surgery.  In other words, Dice-K’s elbow rolled craps.  I always thought it was gonna be “Dice” Clay who’d need Tommy John surgery because of his unorthodox smoking form.  Dice-K’s ulnar collateral ligament blew — it needed the money — oh!