The sixth inning of every home Clayton Kershaw start isn’t going to be the same. No longer will Angelenos be filing in as if it’s the first, suddenly realizing that Kershaw is pitching, but now they will be stuck talking about everything but baseball for the entirety of the game and not simply 95% of it. “Ma, can I keep score on the back of my headshot?” “We’re not here to see the game, Timmy, we’re here to run into commercial directors. This is where Stew’s mom got him that Tropicana commercial. You want to pay my bills, don’t you?” “Sorry, ma.” Like the oral sex scene in The World According to Garp, it’s a devastating blow losing Kershaw for any amount of time. He was diagnosed with a herniated disc, but won’t require surgery. The Dodgers are hoping he’s back (poor choice of words) from the DL right after the All-Star Game. I’d pray with you, but I’m using my hands to clap for not drafting a pitcher in the 1st round. The Dodgers did pick up Bud Norris in a trade to fill in. Won’t see any fall off there! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Noah Syndergaard admitted to having an elbow bone spur after denying it multiple times. Terry Collins said, “No one would know our business if it wasn’t for giving the PR job to a puppy dog! Ruff ruff! Come here, Fido, I wanna spank you with a rolled up newspaper!” This is the 2nd Mets’ starter in two days with elbow spurs. I look forward to the opening round of the playoffs when all of the Mets’ starters are wearing Iron Mike Sharpe elbow pads to hold their arms together. Or they hire John Cusack to marionette their starters. So, this is obviously not good news from Syndergaard, but it’s also not the end of his season. He could opt for surgery if he’s in pain, but he says he’s not in pain (though, he also said he didn’t have elbow spurs up until yesterday). Jon Lester has pitched through elbow spurs for the last five years. It’s not uncommon for starters to power through. Would I look to sell Syndergaard low? No. If you can get a healthy, similar starter, then sure, why not? No reason to panic. Unless Syndergaard starts wearing cowboy boots on his elbow. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
With the complexity of scoring, much like that of Scrabble, the steals game is all about the triple word score. With names and with letters that are uncommon for words, you know the J’s and X’s of the world. We all can cheat and make the word “jo” or “ox”, but imagine the scoring erection you will get when you use Rajai This wordsmith of the basepaths has been giving new form to the SAGNOF game. Over the last 14 games, no one in the game has more steals than Davis. Rajai has been the Magi of it for years, and it is crazy to think that he’s crazy Joe Louis old. He is 35, which isn’t quite as old as me, but I also don’t even run when chased, let alone run 90 feet from pillow to pillow. For the most part, Rajai is the goods because he basically fills all your SAGNOF needs and isn’t and absolute void in other categories like a newly DL’d Mallex. Davis, over the last 14, has put up 2 HRs and a cup full of RBIs. It is more than what we get from Mallex, who offers nothing but steals. even is an abysmal in BA, and his one saving grace is that his OBP is decent because he takes walks at almost a 17% clip. So for the few of you that are surfing for a SAGNOF savior to replace your Mallex fix… here are some names that could be good for now and later. Side note, I used to love that candy.Please, blog, may I have some more?
You know how they have pink bats for Mother’s Day? They should have bats in the shape of penises for Father’s Day. “Ooh, a swing and a miss. Damn, he had that schlong just out in front of that ball.” “You know socialism never worked, but penises have worked for thousands of years, depending on what interpretation of the Bible you ascribe to.” “Wow, what size bat is David Ortiz using?” Happy Father’s Day to all of our readers minus five ladies! Yesterday, for Dad’s Day, Julio Teheran showed us Americans how they do it in Iran on Father’s Day. Teheran #1 — ptooey everyone us! His line was 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks and 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.66. I’ve been saying for a few weeks now that Teheran is worth picking up. He’s obviously not this good. His xFIP is 3.97, but his walk rate is down from last year and his ground balls are up, not literally. Other than last year, he was a consistent low-3, high-2 ERA guy, and he looks like he found his way back there. By the way, if you’re thinking what I’m thinking, agreed, we should not allow any university lacrosse teams access to the penis bats. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Oh my God, Drew Smyly is more like Smyly Corleone. Every time you think you’re out, he pulls you right back in. Fredo, you went against the family, and we can’t have that. “Smyly, is that you? Why do you keep calling me?” That’s Alfredo Griffin getting annoyed with Smyly Corleone. “I made them offer at a pitch they couldn’t refuse.” Seriously, stop Smyly Corleone! So, there’s always one pitcher (sometimes more than one) that befuddles and seduces, seduces and befuddles. Justin Masterson carried the torch for a while when he was Justin Masterson: Passive Aggressive Starter. Now, Drew Smyly seems to be carrying that same damned if you do, damned if you don’t torch. Yesterday, his line was 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners with 12 Ks. On the year, his K-rate and walk rate are 10.3 and 2.2. Those are ace numbers. Unlike a lot of other big strikeout guys and actual aces, Smyly doesn’t throw very hard and seems to tire after about two starts in a row. His ERA on the year is 4.75, but that’s absurd, as in I will absurd you while you’re on waivers. But, ugh, that K-rate, that walk rate, it’s hard for me to resist and if he was dropped in your league, I could see giving him another chance, but I’d be wary of matchups because I just don’t see him overpowering most teams when he’s not working on ten days rest. He just doesn’t throw hard enough. I.e., leave the speed gun, take the cannoli. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Did I just get something from nothing? Because Justin Upton is nothing, and I got something yesterday — 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (2). Therefore, hence, Argo the movie, vis-a-vis, I got something from nothing. Take that all of you non-believers! And you said he would never come around to be worth that top 25 pick. I pfft on you. A big fat pfft. Come here, accept my pfft. I got one good game from him out of 57! Holy schnikeballs, I got only one good game from my 2nd rounder? Please, neighbor’s cat, don’t confuse me for a ball of yarn as I curl up in a ball and sob. Please, stop tapping me with your paw. I am not a ball of yarn. So, can Upton turn it around? I believe he can. At least moderately. Last year, he hit two homers and .196 in June and .162 in July. And you still drafted him this year, so apparently you don’t care about two-month slumps. In 2014, he had a month of .226 with 3 HRs and a month of .169 with 3 HRs. This year in April, he had a 38% strikeout percentage, 34% in May and 22% in June. He’s already seeing the ball better. If he finishes June with 6 homers and .259, then hit .343 in May, would you be shocked? Well, you shouldn’t be, because those were months he did last year when he also had two sub-.200 months. Upton gets awful for months; it’s what he does. He also gets hot for months. Unfortunately, the slump months came to start the season so it was more pronounced. Pronounced specifically as: Gäd, h? s?ks. And, remember, it takes the Uptons a while to adjust to new leagues. It took Melvin Upton three years and a first name change to adjust to the NL. Hopefully, this is the start of something so Justin doesn’t have to resort to being Melvin Upton Jr. Jr. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
We’re about 50 games into the season now meaning things are starting to take shape. I’m a firm believer that we should #killthewin but I can’t help but be impressed that Chris Sale, Jake Arrieta and Stephen Strasburg all have 9 wins already. Arguably more impressive, Arrieta, Strasburg and Josh Tomlin all haven’t lost yet. Tomlin is 7-0 with a WHIP under 1. The K’s aren’t great but there’s a ton of value with how he’s pitching right now. His ERA is sitting at 3.35 but it’s not a fluke. Here’s what was posted throughout Week 8:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I live in La La land, aka Hollywood, aka the Land of a Fake Faces…and Butts…and Thighs…and Breasteses. Hey, I don’t mind. I’m all for “self-improvement.” I liken it to the PED era of MLB. Pitchers were throwing 100 mph and batters were launching home runs 500 feet. As a Dodger fan, I will always remember the electricity when Eric Gagne would come in to close games. It was a hilariously entertaining time. Chicks dig the long ball. Well, guys dig…butts, thighs, and breasteses. For you purists out there, I give you Neil DeGrasse Tyson, who says that there’s a very high chance we’re living in the Matrix. I’ll admit, that there are times I want to know the truth and will take the red pill. On the other hand, sometimes I just want enjoyment, so I’ll take the blue pill. Anyways, before I went on that PED-induced tangent, I wanted to talk about the movie-making aspect of Hollywood. If a movie is successful, you can be sure that a sequel is coming. A trilogy more than likely, and a remake in 25 years or so. Which brings me to…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Shin-Soo Choo hit the DL again. Yeah, surprise, surprise. Never would’ve seen that coming, unless you’ve followed Choo’s career for the last three seconds. In other news, Joey Gallo was called up. Here’s my transactions yesterday: Team Albright dropped Tyler Goeddel for Mikie Mahtook. Twenty-nine minutes later: Team Albright dropped Mikie Mahtook for Delino DeShields. Two hours later: Team Albright dropped Delino DeShields for Matt Holliday because someone else grabbed Joey Gallo already, and Team Albright didn’t feel like adding Junichi Tazawa for the sixth time. Gallo has e-meants power. His power is so e-meants I can’t even spell immense correctly, except there. He had 8 HRs in 24 games this year in Triple-A and six homers in about a month last year in the majors. This offseason I said, “I get the sneaking suspicion that Joey Gallo is going to be The Return of the Sucky Average Lagoon Monster, who was played briefly in an off-Broadway revival by Chris Carter. In Double-A last year, Gallo had a 39.5% strikeout rate. That’s absurd. That’s the same rate historians have said Babe Ruth had after an all-night bender with Fatty Arbuckle when Ruth showed up and accidentally went up to bat still wearing his sleep mask. Fun fact! Sleep masks for the wealthy used to be made from raw hamburger patties. So, with Gallo wearing a raw hamburger on his eyes, is there any chance of him hitting above .200? Not if he can’t tame his strikeouts.” And that’s me quoting me! Good news, prematurely balding men and five lady readers, Gallo’s tamed his Ks by a lot this year in Triple-A. He’s cut them to 22.6%, and was hitting .265. If he can hit .265 with the Rangers, he’ll be more valuable than Prince Fielder this year because Gallo has 40-homer power. I tried to pick him up in every league, and I suggest you do the same. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
My years of sitting in French cafes, smoking really long cigarettes and wearing a beret, while sneering at children and puppies, has taken its toll. I’m no longer the innocent fantasy baseballer who picks up just any potential rookie call-up. I have more discerning tastes now. When I was a mere jejune tot, I’d sip a combination of ale and grenadine my bartendress called a Monaco and talk about Super 2’s and so-and-so was going to be the next Ryan Braun-like call-up. I’m no longer a tot; now, I’m a full potato, and I drink gin with extra juniper berries. Crunching on juniper berries, coughing from a tumor, watching cyclists in spandex shorts, carrying baguettes. The days bleed together. I take out my daily planner and pencil, lick the pencil, turn the calendar day to make a note to, “Buy more Virginia Slim 120s,” when I read a note to myself, “It’s almost June, start picking up rookie call-ups, you dipshit!” Ah, yes, Daily Planner Grey has a point. Today, I decided to highlight Trea Turner. At this point, he feels like the number one call-up. A.J. Reed, Jameson Taillon, Tyler Glasnow, Orlando Arcia might make bigger impacts, but the Nats consider themselves a playoff team and they’re in a heated division battle right now. I doubt they let Dusty simply ignore Turner because Espinosa is older. Older really isn’t a reason to play someone. An exec has to relay that to Dusty at some point. Turner looks like he could be a Francisco Lindor-type from last year — 7-10 HRs, 15-18 steals, solid average. Basically, a top ten shortstop from the time he’s called up. I would stash him now–*coughs* Sorry, I accidentally bought Virginia Slim 140s. The extra 20 is killing me. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?