Washington Nationals: Another turn on the closerousel for the Nationals, as Henry Rodriguez is no longer taking the ball in the 9th. BiBi showed the world on Wednesday that Davey Johnson was wrong for demoting him by allowing a homerun and walking a batter without recording a K. Tyler Clippard locked the door Tuesday with a clean outing and a K, picking up the save. He’s in the pole position for the job and has the skills (13.2% career swinging strike rate, 2.97 career ERA) to keep it until Drew Storen or Brad Lidge return. Sean Burnett has had slight issues with right-handed bats in his career – a near even walk-to-strikeout rate and a FIP/xFIP a full run higher than against LHB – and may grab the odd save based on matchups or if Clippard is used on consecutive days. Craig Stammen has flourished in his transition to the bullpen, but hasn’t been used in many late-inning situations as of yet and is likely third in the pecking order.
Cincinnati Reds:Sean Marshall continues his 2+ years of dominance by putting up career bests in K (31.4%), BB (4.4%), and GB (59.1%)… oh, and his .476 BABIP led to several blown leads and Aroldis Chapman inheriting Marshall’s post in the Red regime. Viva La Revolution! Chapman has struck out 43 of 91 batters faced and owns a 0.42 FIP this season. Those are not typos. He struggled throwing strikes last season and still put up a 3.60 ERA with a 1.30 WHIP. He may well end this season with an ERA under 1.50 and a sub-1.00 WHIP. Word is that Chapman doesn’t like pitching in back-to-back games; Marshall will get a save opportunity in such a situation.
Chicago White Sox: Robin Ventura has officially named Addison Reed the closer for the Pale Hose. Reed’s lowest K% in the minors was 34.2% – he’s the best pitcher in the White Sox bullpen and will package his saves in a bundle of strikeouts. Expect his walk rate to drop a little as an added bonus. Jesse Crain looks to be the add if Reed falters.
New York Yankees: Joe Girardi indicated Wednesday that Rafael Soriano will be the closer even when David Robertson returns from the DL. Soriano is missing fewer bats and throwing fewer strikes than last season, so if you own Robertson, enjoy the Ks and wait until Soriano lights himself on fire.
Los Angeles California Angels of Anaheim Orange County:Ernesto Frieri has struck out 37 of his 82 batters faced this season, and 19 of 32 since joining the Angels. Scott Downs has sat down 7 of 50 batters on strikes. I did the math, it says Frieri should be owned. He obviously won’t continue to strike out 3 of every 5 batters he faces, but he’s a better pitcher than Downs and as soon as Downs has a rough inning I think Frieri officially gets the nod.
Chicago Cubs:Rafael Dolis farted liquid from the mound again Wednesday, allowing 3 runs on 3 hits and 2 walks before getting pulled. Kazaam! He throws his fastball 90% of the time and sports a K/BB ratio of 10/13. I’m amazed he’s even in the big leagues. James Russell is next in line for saves for now, and he possesses a 15/10 K/BB mark in 21 innings. That counts as sparkling on the Cubs. I honestly think Carlos Marmol falls back into the job when he comes back from the DL, and would be the only Cub I’d own at gunpoint. The entire Cubs bullpen is an unmitigated disaster.
Arizona Diamondbacks:J.J. Putz was hosed on what should have been a called second strike and a thrown out runner at second base, but alas, he surrendered two walks and a double, blowing his third save of the season Tuesday night. His velocity was 90/91 MPH for the night, and he’s had trouble with first pitch strikes this season (51.5%, down from 65.9% last season). He’s throwing total strikes at near career rates, and batters are chasing more of his pitches out of the zone than ever before; Putz’s problem is that hitters are teeing off on pitches in the zone, making contact at a 92.2% clip (86.5% last season). Assuming his velocity drop was a one night issue, I think he’ll regain his command and be fine. His struggles seem like statistical noise at this juncture.
San Francisco Giants: Brandon Crawford cost Madison Bumgarner (and me) a win by booting a groundball, and Santiago Casilla (and my opponent) picked up the win in extra innings. No breaking news here, just wanted to reveal how petty I am. Sergio Romo is a better pitcher, but arm issues prevent him from handling an every day workload, thus Casilla is the man for the Giants.
David Robertson to the DL for three weeks with a left oblique strain. 2009 was the Year of the Oblique, then there was the Middle Infieluenza Outbreak of Twenty-Ten, and 2011 was a war between General Soreness and Major Discomfort. This year is The Closepocalypse. If you’re a closer and gonna go to the DL, at least get your make-believe plague right. (Oh no, I Can Haz Razzburger has taken over the site!!! Guys and four girl readers, picture the earth is a lolzpop, then this is The Closepocalypse. My apologies, but our advertisers asked if I could bring in more of the teenaged Asian girl demographic.) So Rafael Soriano will continue to get saves. I wouldn’t assume the Yankeensteins will just go to Robertson when he’s healthy, so it’s imperative and other serious-sounding words to grab Soriano. Bee tee dubya, it’s crazy how much Soriano sounds like Sanrio, right? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brett Lawrie – Got two marginal-to-bad strike calls on him and went DRUNK HULK on the ump. DRUNK HULK WISH UMP BAD THINGS LIKE HAVE TO TEACH FIELDING TO EDWIN ENCARNACION. I hope the fact that Lawrie was right about the lousy calls gives him solace when he gets his 5-10 game suspension.
Freddie Freeman – Day-to-day with corneal abrasion. I always thought corneal abrasion was being constipated after you ate corn. Eh, what do I know?
Kevin Youkilis – On Wednesday, he will begin a minor league assignment. That assignment is to re-injure himself so Middlebrooks can keep playing. If he fails, Middlebrooks will be back in the minors in a week.
Josh Beckett – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. Nothing kills the inspiration for country song writing like a start vs. the Mariners.
Alfonso Soriano – Ended his HR drought on his 116th AB. He’s also at 1 SB. He went from 40/40 to probably 40 in 10 years.
Bryan LaHair – 1-for-4 with his 10th homer. *phone rings* “This is Grey.” “LaHair LaHere. Sell this!” *dial tone*
Chris Heisey – Has now started three games in a row and is 6 for his last 7. In mixed leagues, it’s still wait and see right now, but he’s got a nice bat if Dusty would stop chewing on his toothpick long enough to let him play.
Johnny Cueto – 4 IP, 5 ER and his ERA is still 1.89. Ridiculous. I wouldn’t freak out just yet, ERAs aren’t meant to be that low. Lance Lynn, “Shh!”
Matt Carpenter – 1-for-4 with his third homer as Berkman sat out sore. Well, at least I didn’t have to talk about Craig’s three hits. D’oh!
Jon Jay – Onto the DL with shoulder soreness. Carlos Beltran and Lance Berkman can shift over to CF if the Cards schedule all home games in 2007. Short of that, it’s going to be a blahtoon of Skip Schumacker and Shane “Reggie Cleveland All-Star” Robinson in CF. If you don’t have the DL room, feel free to drop Jay in shallow leagues.
Jason Motte – 1 IP, 1 ER as he blew his 2nd save, but Dolis returned volley with a run, so Motte got the win. With The Closepocalypse, it’s a wonder some games ever end.
Bartolo Colon – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks. Oh, no, Bartolo needs another collagen injection! FWIWuertz, there should be a DRUNK BARTOLO Twitter account.
Cliff Lee – Pitched 8 innings of one run, 10 K ball against the Astros, but he still couldn’t earn his 1st win of the year because of a blown save by Chad Qualls. Really? Chad Qualls? Fine, Papelbon needs a breather now and then but that’s the 2nd best option in the Phillies’ pen? Ruben Amaro is tugging on something and it ain’t no McGraw.
Hunter Pence – 3-for-5 with his 8th and 9th homers, raising his RBIs to 25. You can set your watch by Pence’s stats, and right now it’s 9:25.
Vance Worley – Scratched due to a sore arm. If it’s sore, stop scratching!
Mike Moustakas – Hit his 5th homer yesterday. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go… It’s Greek Lightning!
Colby Lewis – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. We talk a bit about Colby later today in our podcast. You can hardly wait. No, you!
Scott Van Slyke – 0-for-4 as he got the start in the Dodgers’ outfield (and in the three hole), and will continue (to start in the outfield) while Kemp’s on the DL. In Triple-A this year, he had 8 homers and a .336 average, showing solid plate discipline, but that was in the PCL. Van Slyke looks like a ‘just okay’ grab for NL-Only leagues if you’re an outfielder down. I will say this, he’s a much better fielder than Bobby Bonilla’s son.
Jake Peavy – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks. Cruised through 5 innings against the tough Tiger lineup, then got blasted for six in the 6th. Ventura should’ve pulled him before he gave up the 3rd/4th/5th runs on a homer to Ryan friggin’ Raburn. I think Ventura went to pull him out and Peavy’s southern drawl reminded him of Nolan Ryan and he wanted him to suffer.
Travis Ishikawa – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and 2 homers. Eh, he’s nothing but a deep NL-Only flyer. Does that make sensei? See, he is Sucky-san.
Jose Valverde – Left yesterday’s game with back stiffness that isn’t supposed to be serious. Too bad, I was hoping for a reason why he’s been so terrible all year. Octavio Dotel ended up saving the game after allowing two runs to be tacked onto Valverde’s line. Thanks, friend! I grabbed Benoit then dropped him immediately for Dotel. My figuring is Dotel has a bit more closer experience. He’s cagey! It could easily be Benoit who sees saves too. If anyone knows exactly which closer will be used while Valverde is on the mend, Dotel!
Max Scherzer – 4 IP, 5 ER. You know how they’re doing that dopey MLB cave thing where they take a bunch of fans and subject them to every inning of every game like it’s Clockwork Orange? I have a spinoff for MLB. Tell one guy, while he’s been cooped up in the fan cave for the last two months, the entire west coast was wiped out due to an earthquake. Then compare that heart rate with his when he owns both Scherzer and Gallardo in fantasy.
Anthony Bass – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. This comes two starts after he gave up 6 ER to Miami, so I’d grab Bass, but get ready to throw him back.
Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks with his first win, but second quality start in a row. By Josh, I think he’s got it! Sorry, that’s terrible.
Omar Infante – 4-for-5, 1 run and 2 RBIs. Okay, I’d trade you Zack Cozart for Infante right now. Can we make that happen?
Bryce Harper – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games. On the bright side, ESPN’s 24 hour Harper news cycle has a 2nd highlight.
Stephen Strasburg – 4 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. The sub-par start was due to him being bothered by the ointment, Hot Stuff, in his groin area. Now when he’s pitching well, Nats fans can yell, “It’s da bomb!” and when he’s pitching poorly, they can yell, “It’s da balm!”
Ervin Santana – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks. Pitchers like Ervin should have their own category. They’re not Hodgepadres. They’re not Marginers. They’re mixed league starters that are must-starts against weaker offenses, then you pray in other starts. Maybe you suggest a glossary term in the comments.
Albert Pujols – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs. And just like that he’s hitting .212! Yeah, that’s still not so good.
Mike Trout – 3-for-4, 3 runs and a slam (3) and legs (3). Maybe he can have a half of a blurb on the ticker right when ESPN HARPER is going to commercial.
Adam Jones – 2-for-3, 2 runs and also a slam (11) and legs (6). Let’s play a little game. Who’s higher on the Razzball Player Rater? Ryan Braun or Jones? Bruce or Jones?
Wei-Yin Chen – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Lowered his ERA to 2.45 but unless I lowered my standards (see what I did there?) I wouldn’t pick him up in a mixed league.
Elliot Johnson – 2-for-4, I’m not going to point out again that he’s hot but I will point out that I’m not pointing out that he’s hot.
Alex Cobb – Sounds like he could take Niemann’s spot in the rotation. He didn’t exactly shine last year in his call-up (6+ K/9, 3.90 xFIP), but in the minors he was able to push his K-rate towards 9 with decent ratios. In AL-Only leagues, I’d grab him if you need to *pinkie to mouth* Cobble together some pitching. And that was corny on the Cobb. I’m on a roll! Literally, it’s pumpernickel.
Derek Lowe – 9 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners, 0 Ks vs. Twins. It was throwback day at Target Field. Derek Lowe pitched like it was 2002, and the Twins hit like it was the Dead Ball Era.
Michael Brantley – 2-for-4 with a steal. Now hitting around .350 in the last week with one steal. Well, it’s better than batting .150 with nothing. Hey, Hosmer!
Shin Soo-Choo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 2nd homer. He was Soo-Overdue.
A.J. Pierzynski – 5-for-5. 3 RBIs, 2 runs with 4 singles and a double. Solid year for A.J. (.288, 24 RBIs is 4 more than Konerko) although I keep thinking he’s on Arizona. That’s A.J. Pollock which is really close depending on how you pronounce it.
Yoenis Cespedes – Cleared for all baseball activities except hitting. Cool, he can spit and grab himself now.
Manny Ramirez – Billy Beane knows that the Johnny Gomes show isn’t going to do too well in summer re-runs so get ready for May 30th when Manny brings his brand of zany mediocrity to Oakland’s part-time DH slot. His show is called, “Once Too Manny” with Jerry Blevins as The Bleaver.
Right now on our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater the top outfielders are Hamilton, Kemp, Beltran, CarGo, Braun, Bruce, Jones, Grandy and then Bryan LaHair. Now, I’m not saying LaHair doesn’t belong in that company– No, that’s exactly what I’m saying. For 1st basemen, he’s currently above Prince Fielder, Votto and Miggy. I know, you think of yourself as a brilliant NASA-level scientist who has been working on a pencil made of Doritos crumbs. Your Dorito pencil will come to fruition; the sour cream and chive eraser is a great addition, but you didn’t plan on LaHair doing anywhere near this good. If you own LaHair, you stepped in LaCrap. Right now, a guy who people weren’t sure could make it in the major leagues is hitting .384 with 8 homers in 28 games. The power isn’t totally bonkers. He’s on pace for around 40 homers. 25 homers seems doable, maybe even 30. The batting average is Jimmy Stewart’s rabbit, Harvey. It’s Keyser Söze. It’s your imaginary friend that you agreed to marry if you get to 40 years old and you’re both still single. Right now, he has a .510 BABIP. The only way he sustains that is if LaHair has some Zapped telekinesis power. He wouldn’t even be able to sustain it if he hired Willie Aames to run on the field to distract the fielders. (Willie charges $15/hour for this service if you want him for your softball games.) His current K-rate (29.1) would have been third worst last year (or third best if you’re a masochist). Right behind, Mark Reynolds and Drew Stubbs, two guys that are lucky to hit .240. So if LaHair’s average drops 100+ points, at some point during that slide the Cubs are going to promote Rizzo and then LaHair’s really going to be in trouble. I’m not saying sell him for a Jägermeister Jell-o shot, but I’d look at offers. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Casey Janssen – Let’s get all of the SAGNOF’ers out of the way up front, shall we? No reason to say we shall. I can’t hear you. You’re reading.
Addison Reed – Imagine getting behind Robin Ventura on a buffet line. I think I’ll try the Matt Thornton, Reed, Sale, Santiago with a side of the Reed, Thornton, Sale, Santiago with a little extra Sale, Santiago– Just get the meatloaf and move on! At least Ozzie had Joey Cora to carry his tray. And massage his shoulders. And manicure his cuticles.
Rafael Soriano – Robertson blows two more saves in the next five days and he’s lost the job or he settles in for the week and he’s the closer for the rest of the season. It all hinges on this week, over-the-Internet friend!
Rafael Dolis – Okay, Random Razzball Commenter, since you’re gonna ask. Dolis, Reed, Janssen, Soriano, Marlins Closer, Thayer, in that order… What? Marshall’s also available? Oh, geez.
Dale Thayer – The ex-Ray and Met farmhand as well as the star of the gay porn ‘Brian’s Thong’ is the latest bullpen project for the Padres with 2 saves in the absence of Huston Street. Figure it’s his until he blows it or gets injured – which is the norm these days.
Steve Cishek – Edward Mujica, Ryan Webb, Heath Bell… You could have a team of all Marlins relievers. You’d be dead last in your league, unless you played in the NL East, then you’d still have the Phillies below you. Snap in the Wiz wit formation!
James McDonald – Old McDonald had a great K-rate e-i-e-i-e-i-oh. Now relatively new McDonald’s K-rate is e-i-e-i-e-i-okay. Old McDonald had a terrible walk rate e-i-e-i-e-i-oh-no. Now relatively new McDonald’s walk rate is e-i-e-i-e-i-okay. Six of one; half dozen of another. Or e-i-e-i; e-i-oh.
Carlos Zambrano – You know how they take signed celebrity pictures and put them up in restaurants? Why do I feel like in less than 6 weeks of the season there’s a picture of Big Z in every Cuban restaurant in Miami? Signed Big Z, “Please consider adding a Cuban Sandwich with a Tres Leches cake in the middle.”
Christian Friedrich – I went over him the other day. It went something like this, “Blah blah blah, good K/BB, blah blah blah, NL-Only, blah blah blah, next start against the Giants.” And that’s me blah’ing me!
Brad Peacock – Google Brad Peacock and it returns the question, “Did you mean naked pictures of Grey talking about his favorite young pitcher?” The A’s are rolling out guys right now that are blehtastic, and when Peacock gets called up, I’m gonna like him better than any other A’s starter, except McCarthy. Yeah, even that damn Milone, sorry Diane. Peacock is no streamer, even if it might sound that way.
Chris Johnson – Sticking with our newly established theme of commands an old man screams at the urinal when he’s trying to go to the bathroom, Chris Johnson has 4 homers in the last 10 days and his counting stats ain’t too shabby for an Astro. Ruh roh!
Ike Davis – One of the first Sell’s of the year featured Ike Davis with a request for you to drop him. Okay, now it’s time to pick him up. There’s no flimflammery flip-flopping on fantasy first basemen (say that fast 117 times!), Davis was hideous, and now he no longer is.
Kyle Seager – Member back in March what you wanted from Dustin Ackley prior to your hopes and dreams being squashed? Yeah, Kyle Seager’s doing that…Against the wind. (Also, there’s a Kyle Seager fantasy to feast your eyes on. I didn’t write it, but, if I had, I would’ve said the same thing, except switched out all the didn’t's to dinnit’s.)
Johnny Giavotella – Will share time at 2nd base and could run like crazy, and by ‘crazy’ I mean not always successfully. Fist pump!
Andres Torres – For all of you Where’s Allen Craig At Commenters, he didn’t make the cut off of less than 50% owned as of yesterday at midnight. At 11:59 PM, a few diehard Where’s Allen Craig At Commenters enlisted Anonymous’ help to hack into ESPN and push his ownership numbers to 49%, but Anonymous was busy taking down Pujols. (They have a vendetta because he once said he liked the Interview with the Vampire movie better than the book.) But, alas, I’ll make an exception inside this Torres blurb. I’d pick up Allen. I’d also grab Torres. If you don’t know what Torres gives you, see Angel Pagan.
Andy Dirks – I just went over him this morning. If you close your extraneous porn windows and scroll down, you’ll see it.
J.P. Arencibia – He’s not going to hit for average and power all year, but he is now. Arencibia — that’s a one spicy catcher!
SELL
Alex Rios – Man, he’s like watching paint dry. Not even an exciting paint color like forest green or periwinkle. More like a beige. Can’t drop Rios in all leagues, but in some shallower ones there’s gotta be better options. Like Josh Reddick. He’s better at this point.
Chase Headley – First rule of fantasy baseball: Don’t draft a Padres hitter. Second rule of fantasy baseball: Don’t tell any chicks you do this if you ever want to get laid again.
Lance Lynn – I told you to buy him before the first week of the season and he’s gone 6-0/1.40/0.85/37 in 38 2/3 IP. I’d say we had a good run. I’m not saying drop him before the Liquid Paper is thrown all over his stats, but you have to know it’s coming. He has a 93.8% LOB and a .209 BABIP. Right now, every ground ball down the line is hitting a base and bouncing to a fielder and he’s escaped more jams than a deaf kid at Jazz Fest. I wouldn’t sell him for an all-expenses paid spa day in Tijuana, but I’d explore options.
Finally, an injury to an Angel that can clear up the awful logjam between OF/DH/3B. Oh wait, it’s to their catcher – Chris Iannetta – where their ‘depth’ involves Bobby Wilson, an injured Hank Conger and sub-Mathis scrubs. Maybe they should try Mark Trumbo at catcher. He’s gotta be better there than at 3B. Chris Iannetta anagrams to Neat Christian – how fitting for an Angel. I guess someone had to be the martyr to save Pujols’s soul from the fiery pits of replacement-level. For those of you in deep enough leagues to warrant a roster spot for Iannetta, just pick up whatever schmohawk catcher is on the waiver wire with the most ABs in the last 2 weeks. Nothing’s sweeter than a random HR from a FA scrub (shoutout to Cesar Izturis’s HR for our NL-only team). Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks. “Wait until he hits twenty-seven years old and he can barely lift his arm to pack his bowl.” That’s Lincecum watching the Strasburg highlights.
Roger Bernadina – He hit a homer out of the two hole yesterday. Sounds like a constipated guy reporting success to his gastroenterologist. Probably too early to get excited about Bernadina, but he’s definitely someone to put on your radars.
Adam LaRoche – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs with his 6th homer as he bats .327. Yeah, at this point, it would’ve been better to go with LaRoche over Pujols.
Colby Lewis – Not to get all Jayson Stark but here’s Colby Lewis’s bizarre box score: HR, HR, HR, 18 straight outs (11 K’s), HR, BB, HR, HBP, Double Play, E6, K. So that’s 5 hits and 5 HRs. 7 baserunners and 6 runs. 12 Ks and only one walk. So, um, awesome start for those of you in xFIP leagues!
Elvis Andrus – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs as he hits .323 with 5 steals in 6 attempts on the year. 6 attempts was by far the lowest steal attempt total in any month last year. He’s stood on 1st 23 times so far this year. It makes sense when you have Josh Homerton behind you, but it’s disconcerting from a fantasy standpoint for Elvis.
Andy Dirks – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 3rd homer. Leyland doesn’t like to change his lineup (he writes it on rolling paper and each changed lineup is one less cigarette). So Leyland’s put Dirks in the two hole in the lineup, where he could stay for a while, and he’s doing with the bat what was expected of Boesch. In the big picture, he has pretty modest power (which doesn’t mean he blushes after homers) and slightly better speed, but not a burner. 14/18 would be my expectations over a full season. Right now, he’s a hot schmotato.
Bartolo Colon – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER. Oh no, the dreaded Colon cleanse.
Brett Gardner – His DL stint is going to be a little longer (maybe another month) after a setback with his right elbow. No word on whether Joba Chamberlain’s kid or a trampoline are at fault.
Mark Teixeira – Diagnosed with ‘severely inflamed’ airways. Unlike with the ill-fated Hindenburg Blimplines, it’s treatable.
Rafael Soriano – Got the save yesterday and, because he was a closer, he gave up a run. I don’t think this means Soriano gets the next save over Robertson (K-Rob had thrown two days previous, so he was unavailable), but I do think Robertson could Mr. Bungle the gig, and Soriano is worth owning.
Eduardo Nunez – Decent SAGNOF who’s likely to keep getting playing time with Gardner out. But, man, is he an awful fielder. Is Nunez Spanish for Scissorhands?
Josh Willingham – 1-for-3 with his 7th homer. I feel like the rest of the Twins, who are more familiar with the no-scoring environment of Minnesota baseball, are gonna pull Willingham aside and be like, “Hey, man, those homers… Yeah, we don’t do those here.”
Josh Beckett – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER. Don’t worry, Josh, there’s at least a dozen wannabe country singers that’ll still sleep with you. Maybe you dial up RaeLynn. “Can you write a song about fried chicken, beer and having a 5.97 ERA? I got the blues, y’all.” That’s Josh hanging out with his harem of D-list country singers.
Jason Kipnis – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI with his 6th homer. Kipnis may sound like a Jewish delicatessen appetizer, but he’s going H.A.M.
Jack Hannahan – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. I guess he didn’t get along with his father’s side of the family and skipped the Hannahananananananananananana wake.
Michael Brantley – 4-for-5, 1 run and 2 RBIs. If you’re wondering where this came from, Rudy and I just dropped him yesterday because HE WAS DOING NOTHING (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics).
Vladimir Guerrero – Signs a minor league deal with the Blue Jays. Just picturing Guerrero running on the Toronto turf makes my knees hurt. Guess it’s all worth it for those extra 11 seats per game that will be filled by nostalgic Expos fans. Vive Vladimir!
Wilson Betemit – Hit his 5th homer in the first game of the doubleheader. I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he won’t. He’s here now and he’s hot. Here’s Eddie Vedder going to his waiver wire, “Can’t find a Betemit…”
Robert Andino – 0-for-8 in the doubleheader. Rudy told me over IM yesterday that we have Andino filling in for our injured Longoria. Luckily, my office is on the first floor so when I jumped out the window it didn’t hurt too much.
Wei-Yin Chen – Very impressive start (7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks) vs. the dangerous Texas Ranger lineup. He’s now at a 2.68 ERA over 37 innings with a decent 28 Ks. Wouldn’t trust him just yet in anything outside of AL-only leagues, but at least Taiwanese fans can stop polluting karaoke bars with, “So take this Broken Wang and learn to pitch again….”
Well, not much has changed for closers since last month when we did a run down of all of them. Kimbrel got a save, Axford got a save, and everyone else sucks. Holly Robinson Peete closers are a mess! I don’t think there’s ever been so many Brain Freezes before. I almost feel like adding an extra category below the Brain Freezes called, “The Legend of Gloom.” Wha’ happened? Did someone poison the bullpen water? Has Mariano Rivera made it so when he retires there won’t be any more closers? There will only be starters and “Those Other Guys.” To recap this month in closing quickly: Valverde has been less than stellar, Putz and Street just don’t close games, Motte hasn’t been good, Brian Wilson became Casilla who Bochy pulled after one batter during one game, Joel Hanrahananananan gave fantasy owners the question, “Who’s Juan Cruz?”, Sergio Santos may start throwing at some point in the next few weeks, the Red Sox gave the job to someone who has an over 10 ERA, Frank-Frank hasn’t had a blank-blank inning in forever, Kyle Farnsworth left stage right and Rodney, who couldn’t get saves last year, entered stage “I can’t believe Rodney’s closing games,” Guerra’s been about as bad as expected, Walden blew one save and lost the job, What the H. Santiago?, What the H. Bell?, Grant Balfour might get traded, Jim Johnson gave fantasy owners the question, “Juan Cruz or Pedro Strop? Wait, who?”, the closers on terrible teams have looked good so they’ll probably be traded or just not save games, and Brad Lidge is afraid of heights and the mound is above the field so he went to the DL which is on sea level. Got all of that? Yeah, I’m not sure I did either. Anyway, here’s all the closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.
1. Craig Kimbrel (Jonny Venters, Kris Medlen) 2. John Axford(Francisco Rodriguez) 3. Mariano Rivera (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano) 4. Jonathon Papelbon (Antonio Bastardo, Chad Qualls)
Donkeycorns
Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns. 5. Huston Street (+3) (Luke Gregerson, Andrew Cashner) 6. Jim Johnson (+15) (Pedro Strop, Matt Lindstrom) 7. Joel Hanrahan(+4) (Juan Cruz, Jason Grilli) 8. J.J. Putz(-2) (David Hernandez, Bryan Shaw) 9. Jason Motte (-1) (Fernando Salas, Mitchell Boggs) 10.Jose Valverde(-6) (Joaquin Benoit, Octavio Dotel) 11. Rafael Betancourt (+7) (Rex Brothers) 12. Brandon League(+6) (Tom Wilhelmsen) 13. Fernando Rodney (Joel Peralta, Jake McGee) 14. Grant Balfour(+6) (Brian Fuentes, Ryan Cook)
15. Brett Myers(+8) (David Carpenter, Brandon Lyon) 16. Joe Nathan(+6) (Mike Adams, Alexi Ogando) 17. Kenley Jansen/Javy Guerra (+2) (Matt Guerrier)
Brain Freeze
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Matt Capps– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Valencia in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.
18. Sean Marshall(+3) (Aroldis Chapman, Jose Arredondo)
19. Santiago Casilla (-10) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt) 20. Chris Perez (+4) (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp)
21. Matt Capps (+6) (Glen Perkins, Jared Burton) 22. Jonathan Broxton(+6) (Aaron Crow) 23. Henry Rodriguez (+6) (Tyler Clippard, Brad Lidge) 24. Frank Francisco(-8) (Jon Rauch, Bobby Parnell, Ramon Ramirez) 25. Alfredo Aceves(-13) (Franklin Morales, Daniel Bard) 26. Carlos Marmol(-11) (Rafael Dolis, Kerry Wood) 27. Heath Bell (-19) (Steve Cishek, Edward Mujica) 28.Scott Downs(-11) (Jordan Walden, LaTroy Hawkins) 29. Matt Thornton/Hector Santiago(-1) (Addison Reed, Jesse Crain) 30. Francisco Cordero (-15) (Casey Janssen, Luis Perez, Sergio Santos, Lloyd Moseby)
