Fantasy Baseball Advice

I almost made Tim Lincecum today’s Buy.  His FIP really isn’t bad.  He just always seems to have one bad inning.  His numbers with men in scoring position:  .346/.471/.547 vs. .243/.313/.379 with none on.  But I’m not going to tell you to Buy Lincecum.  I’m not sticking my neck out for him!  He smokes marijuana!  Now, Roy Oswalt I can get lukewarm about!  How’s dem apples?  Mildly delicious!  You do have to think Lincecum can come around though, right?  Forget him!  We’re through talking about him.  We’re talking about that handsome man riding a tractor, wearing $400 overalls.  “Roy, when you chew straw, you ever feel like neighing?”  “Never, Billy.”  That’s Roy talking to Billy, who lives next door from him, and they share a special bond because their bathroom windows face each other from across the yard.  It’s like American Beauty, but less beauty and more horses.  American Black Beauty, that’s what they call it.  But, really, don’t you think Lincecum’s at least worth a roll of the die if you can get him cheap enough?  Forget Lincecum!  We’re not talking about him.  We are talking about Roy Oswalt.  Yeah, he’s about to sign with someone.  I think he can get around a 3.75 ERA, solid WHIP and a 7-ish K-rate, i.e., AKA, vis-à-vis, ergo, henceforth, where’d the rest of this sentence go, a number four fantasy starter.  But what about Lincecum?!  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Elliot Johnson – He’s 28 years old.  I can almost guarantee you his parents named him after the kid in E.T.  While Longoria is on Reese’s, Elliot’s piecing together a solid couple of weeks.  What?  Terrible?

Zack Cozart – I left a special place next to my no-no area just for Cozart.  Glad to have you back, now please hit 4 homers this weekend.  Thank you!

Alexi Amarista – I could’ve put Everth Cabrera here, and, I kinda just did.  Small booya with a side of you’re welcome.

Ernesto Frieri – I went over my Ernesto Frieri fantasy yesterday.  If you look at Frieri from the back, he looks like Anne Burrell.

Tyler Clippard – Here’s what I think happened.  Davey Johnson realized about a month and a half ago he should’ve went with Clippard as his closer as soon as Storen was hurt.  Everyone said it should be Clippard.  On March 23rd, I said, “In all but the shallowest leagues, I’d grab Tyler Clippard, who sounds like a captain in the America’s Cup.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Rather than admitting he goofed, Davey went with Rodriguez long enough so everyone would forget that Clippard was the option everyone said he should go with originally.

James Russell – A)  The Cubs don’t get save chances.  B) Marmol will return and probably shoved back in the role even if he’s hot garbage again.  C) There’s no C.  No foolin’ here, don’t own Russell outside of very deep leagues.

R.A. Dickey – I don’t like knuckleballing, not because I’m worried it’ll make you go blind, but the pitchers don’t always have control over the pitch.  You start a knuckleballer and the wind is wrong and he gives up 4 runs in the 1st inning.  With that said (here’s where I reverse course), Dickey’s pitching about as well as anyone.

Ryan Vogelsong – Have I been playing down Vogelsong by calling him the equivalent of elevator music because of his lack of excitement, while putting his value to sleep?  Look up his ERA and WHIP, now look at the last man on your staff.  Ah, Simon never said to do that.

Felipe Paulino – You know what his name translates to?  Phil Paul, the (Fielding) Independent pitcher of a 2.01, 10+ K-rate and who only 9% of the population is interested in.  No idea why.  So I’m stumped and stumping.

Anthony Bass – I told you to grab him in April, but I don’t know anything, right?  Okay, if you answered in the affirmative and affirmative means what I think it does, then what are you doing reading this?  Killing time in a doctor’s office?  Your PO forcing you to read it?

Felix Doubront – Hey, it’s the guy that wrote Shawshank!  Very cool.  I wonder if Stephen King recruited him.  Probably not, but I still wonder.  I’m a wonderer, a wonderer… Okay, so I trust Doubront as far as I can throw him, but since he’s 165 pounds I can probably shot put him about five feet — I got guns!  In a sea of blech, as the Red Sox should call their staff, Doubront has strung together some solid starts and has a K-rate over 9 and a xFIP of 3.58.  His walks look like they crawled through a river of filth, but I’d give him a chance in mixed leagues.

Anthony Rizzo – I told you to pick him up last week and now he’s at 2% owned.  Hey, we’re the two percenters!

Matt Adams – Did anyone get our title the other day, “Cards Call Up M. Adams, Hopin’ To Get Lucky?”  M. Adams = madams.  Isn’t it fun when I spell shizz out four days later?  That post is still poppin’ fresh like the Doughboy, who Adams looks like, so there’s my Matt Adams fantasy.

Yan Gomes – You know there’s a Gomes out there with the first name Jahnee.  And there’s probably an Ohnny too.  Yanny has nice power, and could hit a trunkload of homers, because all Blue Jays seem capable of that.

Josh Bell - I’m curious to see Josh Bell over the course of a full season, because I think he could strikeout 275 times.  On a related note, who’s the Diamondbacks’ minor league hitting coach, Dave Kingman?  Bell does have an everyday job and some pop.  I grabbed him in one league, FWIWuertz.

Xavier Avery – I told you to pick him up last week.  Don’t make me go back there!

Daniel Nava – In today’s meeting of non-beNava’rs, we will be reading from Christopher Hitchens unpublished manuscript, A-Gon Is Not Great.

SELL

Rafael Furcal – His BABIP over the last few years is .296.  His BABIP this year is .373.  His expected average is .273.  Maybe you’re asking yourself if I do such complex math in my head or on my Casio calculator watch?  Neither, friend.  It’s on our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater.  Also, Furcal breaks down because he has old man legs.  So Will Be Gimpy + Inflated Average = A Toothless B.J. Upton.  Whoa!  That was not what I expected.  It was supposed to add up to Sell.

Edwin Encarnacion – Edwin’s expected average is around what his average is now, so that’s copacetic.  You know what else is copacetic?  The word copacetic.  Has there ever been a word that fit so perfectly it’s meaning.  The cop is on the settee, you crazy Chinookers.  One thing that isn’t copacetic, Edwin Encarnacion.  Do the Blue Jays have a sign on their door that says, “Bring us your unwanted third basemen and we’ll turn them into homer machines?”  Right now, Edwin’s hitting everything in the air and all of it is going out of the park.  Ground out much?  No, no he doesn’t.  Line drive much?  Nopacetic.  At this point, we have to assume 30 homers from him.  He’s got 14 with 117 games to go.  I’m not going to try any math because of what happened in the last blurb, but it looks like you have a guy that has nearly half of his homers already and still a ton of games.  I wouldn’t sell him for an evening with Richard Simmons, but I’d explore options.

When Heath Bell looked like garbage on Sunday, Frank Francisco returned serve with three of his own runs.  It was like watching a tennis match between Jon Lovitz and that guy from Felicity.  Rather than getting the hook by his manager, Frank-Frank was ejected for arguing balls and strikes.  The ump should’ve told him, “With your stuff, I wouldn’t have the balls to throw strikes either.”  Jon Rauch is next in line here, but, before the ink can dry on his neck, he could lose the job too.  Though, I would grab him, in the non-sexual way.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ike Davis – Sat out yesterday with flu-like symptoms.  Like.  Oh.  My.  Gahd.  I hopes it’s not Valley Fever.

Heath Bell – Ozzie Guillen has come to the conclusion that Edward Mujica and Steve Cishek are simply just as awful at closing games as Bell has been, so they might as well go with the guy with the bad contract.  So, once again, Bell is officially unofficially your Marlins closer and, as previously mentioned, he gave up two runs on Sunday.  I’d continue to hold Cishek and Mujica.  Bell needs to either go to the Disgraceful List or do some mop-up duty.  Despite the closer craziness, the past week the Marlins have got it done, winning 10 of their last 12 games.  A rational person might say to me, “The Marlins have played the Giants, Padres and Astros as of late, don’t get too excited.”  I am an irrational person, so it must be their new uniforms!

Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-5 with a grand slam.  Is it just me or are you waiting for him to announce his name is actually Giancarlos Tanton?

Joey Votto – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 6 RBIs and 3 homers.  Votto bing, Votto boom.

Brian Fuentes – Was named the new A’s closer.  I literally wrote everything else in this post then came back to this to make sure he was still the closer.  If I wake up at 3 AM tonight and stumble back to my office, he may no longer be the closer.  He’s on a short leash with a cone and muzzle.  If he gets too far off the leash, he doesn’t give his owners rabies, he gives them ERAbies.

Brandon McCarthy – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Look at him K’ing people with reckless a-Brandon.  McCarthy feels like one of those guys that you can get for cheap in a trade, but could be way more valuable.  He’s literally in every fifth comment as a guy people want to drop, and I use the word ‘literally’ metaphorically.

Jarrod Parker – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks.  I doubt anyone’s actually buying (as in trading for), but you should be careful with Parker.  He’s due for some Liquid Paper getting dropped on his stats.

Bud Norris – Got the win on Friday with 6.0 IP, 1 ER and 8Ks.  Old James MacDonald pitched 8 innings and also struck out 8 in a pitchers’ duel.  And a Bud at McDonald’s is a combo meal in The Bootheel of Missouri.

Bryce Harper – On Friday, he threw his bat at the wall in frustration and needed 10 stitches as it bounced back and hit him in the head.  ESPN is auctioning off the bat with the proceeds going to TD (Teenaged Dipshits).

Wilson Ramos – Torn ACL and out for the year.  On the positive side, he’s now way too gimpy for kidnappers to lug around.

Danny Espinosa – Got a couple of hits on Sunday, homered Friday and Saturday while adding in two steals.  If it’s not obvious and you need me to spell it out, he’s H-O-T.

Henry Rodriguez – 2/3 IP, 4 ER with a massive blown save on Sunday.  I shut the game off before the Votto grand slam, knowing it was coming.  Then after it happened, I refreshed the box score a few times hoping it would change.  It’s a soul-crushing defeat when you know it’s gonna happen, then don’t believe it when it does.  Must’ve been what it felt like when Dewey tried to move his stuff into the White House with only a copy of the Dewey Defeats Truman newspaper.

Brian Dozier - 2-for-5 with his first homer.  I wouldn’t expect much here; he’s pretty yawnstipating.  It’s no coincidence that his last name is French for sleep (not true).

Scott Diamond – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has back-to-back 7 inning scoreless starts.  In AL-Only leagues, he could provide some value if he can continue his low walk-rate and so-so K-rate.  But in AL-Only leagues, Bruce Chen is valuable, so take that with a grain of salt, which is a crystal as is a diamond.  How’s that for circular reasoning?

Andy Pettitte – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the M’s.  Against a major league offense, that’s 5 IP, 5 ER.  That’s not exactly a comeback on par with Lance Armstrong returning less nutso.

Carlos Ruiz – 6th HR on Friday.  Ruiz is batting .330 and leads the Phillies offense along with Juan Pierre.  Or JuanCarlos if Stanton’s renaming them.

Jimmy Rollins – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer.  Only one more to catch Chone Figgins!

Jesus Montero -  Hit a home run on Friday against his old team as he punishes New York for trading him to the Mariners.  You could taste the bad blood.  Mmm… Iron.

Justin Smoak – Hit a homer yesterday and is 6 for his last 12 as he got to hit away from Safeco.  Gets Fenway and Coors this week and could be a short term play.  Seriously, no kindling with Smoak.

Addison Reed – Robin Ventura is planning on splitting his save chances between Thornton, Reed and Santiago.  I think it’s appropriate to call Ventura by his cartoon onomatopoeia name:  VenturARGH.  And, because Reed seemed like the guy to own, he gave up 6 earned runs in a third of an inning yesterday.  To give up 6 earned in a third of an inning is, like a bowling alley that doesn’t cater to dwarfs will tell ya, no small feat.   At this rate, I don’t think I’d pick up any White Sox relievers in any shallow mixed league.  I need this ulcer?  No, no I don’t.  If you really need the saves, I’d grab Santiago, Reed or Thornton, in that order.

Chris Sale – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  When you go for a ‘precautionary’ MRI (something I get all the time!), and you’re moved around to help ‘save’ your elbow, then throw a pretty mediocre start, I think something is wrong and you’d be wise to sell him quickly.  But I’m not a doctor, though I did fall asleep while watching a Scrubs rerun last night.

Carlos Beltran – 4-for-5 with 2 home runs and 4 RBIs on Friday and hit his 13th homer on Sunday.  He’s doing his best Albert Pujols impression, the pre-Angels Pujols.  Yes, it took Pujols to go to the Angels to become mortal.  The irony!

Allen Craig – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer on Sunday, after homering on Friday.  Bad enough that he double-dipped on first names when there’s people without one — R. Kelly, “Tell me about it!”  But now there’s people out there who can’t buy a homer in their leagues (me!) and this guy now has 5.

Rafael Furcal – 3-for-3 with his 7th steal, while batting .383 on the year.  Still think he’s more of an Early Bird Special than a Zombino.  You get two Facebook Likes if you understood that.

Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  If you’ve owned him all year, you know this is less spectacular than he’s been.  Or spectaculess, if you like portmanteaus.

Josh Hamilton – Homerton was 3-for-4 with two more home runs on Friday to bring his total to 17.  The first player since Albert Pujols (who?) in 2006 to hit that many home runs in only 33 games.  Then he hit his 18th homer on Saturday.  18 homers?  I have 31 homers in one of my NL-Only leagues.

Mike Trout – Got his first slam & legs on Friday.  In related rookie news, ESPN ran a feature on Bryce Harper’s TD telethon.

C.J. Wilson -  Got roughed up in his Texas homecoming by Hamilton and the boys 1/3 IP, 3 H, 4 ER.  Then Matthew Modine started screaming “You wanna have another go at it” and Wilson agreed.  So, on Saturday, he went 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Then on Sunday, he rested.  Geez, with the God complex.

Mark Reynolds – Lands on the DL after throwing batting practice on Friday.  He said, “I got carried away with what I was trying to do.  It just looks so easy to strike me out.”

Xavier Avery – O’s called up their outfield prospect and played him in left field yesterday as he went 0-for-4.  Now for the Mystique behind X-Man.  He has some speed (and very light power), and will struggle to hit for much of an average in the majors.  In AL-Only leagues, he’s SAGNOF.

Jake Arrieta – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER vs. the Rays.  He’s been absolutely clobbered in his last two starts.  I’d definitely look elsewhere, since I’m not a huge fan of O’s starters to begin with.  My O’s starter face is a straight line for my lips and a slow blink of the eyes.  It looks like ‘meh.’

Nick Johnson – Homered in back-to-back games that he started (Friday and Sunday).  He was in good spirits after the game, smiling in the locker room.

Danny Duffy – Left yesterday’s game with what is being described as “medial left elbow tightness.”  Sounds like medial up a different starter.

Alcides Escobar – 3-for-3, 2 runs and 1 RBI.  He’s been on and off my teams so many times the elastic is completely shot.

Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs with his first Frenchy fly of the season, or Freedom Fly if you’re still harboring shizz.

Desmond Jennings – Has now missed six games with a sore knee.  Instead of day-to-day, they could’ve told us day-to-week.  Might’ve been helpful.

Ben Zobrist – Slam and legs with a side of mash (3 hits!) and Elliot Johnson also slammed, legged and mashed.  Johnson is 7 for his last 13 with two steals and a homer.  Could be a nice pickup if you’re struggling at MI.  BTW, if someone asks you if you’re struggling at MI, your answer is IM.

Carlos Marmol – Since the start this year, he looked like Apollo vs. Ivan Drago in the exhibition match.  Finally, the Cubs threw in the towel with Marmol’s head landing on top of it and on the Disgraceful List.

Bryan LaHair – Since Friday’s Sell, he’s 1-for-14 with 6 Ks.  Cust kayin’.

Jeff Samardzija – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  The best thing I can say about Samardetc. is I wish I owned him on all my teams.

Rickie Weeks – His wrist showed no breaks and his bat showed no hits.

Kevin Youkilis – Cleared to swing a bat.  Sounds like positive news for a guy at Hedonism after a cliff diving accident.

Will Middlebrooks – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  If Youk pushes Middlebrooks to Triple-A, there’s gonna be a letter written to Jimmy Breslin from a Son of Sam Horn.

Matt Kemp – Left yesterday’s game aggravating his tight hamstring.  Said he’s going for an MRI, but will only miss a game.  Um, well, guess we can hope.  How do we get this hammy cured?  Because those are delicious.

Juan Rivera – Could miss two months with a ruptured hamstring tendon.  Dude, c’mon, the day of rupture isn’t until December 21st.

That sound you hear is my heart going a pitter patter for Brandon Belt.  That sound you might also hear is Bruce Springsteen on my iTunes.  He’s singing the September 11th Telethon version of My City Of Ruins.  It gives me chills eleven years later.  Now to completely sully that beautiful image, I keep hearing, “Now the sweet veils of fantasy… Drift through the evening news…  Young men at my corner…Like scattered leaves… The boarded up closers… I can’t believe one of the injured closers wasn’t Huston Street… The hustlers and base thieves… My pants are down below my knees… Where’s my Belt?  My team’s in ruins!  My team’s in ruins!  Come on rise up!  I need a Belt.  Come on rise up!  I need my Belt!”  At this point, I don’t care if Belt plays every day, he should be owned IN CASE (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) he plays every day.  He’s capable of great things.  Trust me, if you drop, say, Jason Kubel, you won’t regret it, but if you don’t pick up Belt you may.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Alfredo Aceves – How about we get SAGNOF out of the way right off the bat this week?

Joel Peralta – I just hope this doesn’t turn into a closer Frankenstein named Joel P. HowGeeney.

Matt Thornton – Know what Robin Ventura needs?  A good Nolan Ryan noogie.  I hope Matt Thornton walks away with this job, even if I don’t trust him at all, but for now it’s a closer by committee.  I’d grab Thornton, Jesse Crain, Addison Reed and Hector Santiago, in that order.  Actually, I’d only grab Thornton.  I’m not speculating on four closers on a terrible team, but your straits may be more dire than mine.  Saves for nothing and the chicks for free.

Jim Johnson – As expected, Johnson was named the Orioles closer.  On a related note, my johnson is named, “The closer.”

Brad Lidge – I went over Lidge and HanK-Rod this morning.  It went something like this, “Yadda yadda eeny meeny miney yadda yadda.”  Riveting stuff.  If they gave out Pulitzers for fantasy baseball blogs, I’d be wearing a bunch of those puppies around my neck.  I’d be like the Flavor Flav of blog Pulitzers.

Henry Rodriguez – See 1/8th of an inch above or like 48 inches below to the other post.  Choose your own adventure!

Sean Rodriguez – At shortstop, he could be like Ben Zobrist but as a batting average risk and who doesn’t sound Jewish.  Or Low-BA Nobris.

Rafael Furcal – Looks like your standard Early Bird Special, which is fine for April, but if you show up too late you may have to pay full price for the egg salad sandwich.

Freddy Galvis – Haven’t talked much (if it all) about Galvis.  He’s the Phillie fill-in (kinda stutterer!) for Utley while he recovers from Glass Chipperitis.  Never one to shy away from telling you to pick up a guy about three weeks before everyone else and looking like a complete ass while doing it, I bring you Freddy Galvis.  Last year in Double-A, he had 19 steals in 104 games and 4 more in Triple-A in 33 games.  For a fast guy, he’s pretty egregious at getting on base and might hit under .220, which is, as a bowling alley that doesn’t cater to little people will tell you, no small feat.  If you’re crunched for speed and in a deep league, I’d take a look at him.

Lorenzo Cain – Lo-Cain will get you high without the teeth grinding and you don’t need long fingernails like you’re an old Asian man.

Ryan Sweeney – I baited you this morning to come back to read about Sweeney, and — surprise! — I’m kinda lukewarm on him.  He doesn’t have a ton of power or speed, but he can get you some average over the next month while Crawford is out.  He reminds me of Omar Infante.  Let’s call him, Omar ByMayImmaFinished.

Kirk Nieuwenhuis – Just went over him this morning.  Use your scrolly finger.

Juan Nicasio – Ma nish ta nitcher.  That’s, “How is this pitcher different than all other pitchers?” for those that don’t know Hebrew.  Nicasio can give 140 Ks and a three and a half ERA over the course of the season, that’s how.

Tommy Milone – Let’s get down to brass tacks!  Or is it brass tactics?  (And while we’re clarifying shizz, is it Tom or Tommy Milone?  What yo’ momma name you, fool?!  You say Tommy?  I say you full of Milone!)  Never the hoo!  You can’t get WHIP help off waivers and every team needs WHIP help unless you drafted Halladay, but then you need hitting help and that’s a whole nutter can of beans.  Yeah, I’m saying nutter instead of another.  Go with it.

Edinson Volquez – Okay, you can get strikeout help late.  Tis is true.  But you can’t get 200 K strikeout help later.  So there’s a nutter thing.

Chris Johnson – Won the Astros’ starting 3rd base gig.  That’s a lower case yay.  He had a huge spring with 5 homers.  That’s a medium case yay that doesn’t really matter anymore.  In deep leagues, you might catch lightning in a bottle out of the gate.  Plus, if you shout his name while in a urinal, you sound like you have a prostate problem.

Juan Francisco – As adults who are trying to sound like teenagers might say, dawg’s got pop for days.  I’d pick him up for a minute until Daddy Hurt Legs returns.

SELL

Jonathan Broxton – He was just named the Royals closer.  You know what?  That’s hella awesome, and I got a tip from Hella Awesome:  SAGNOF!  A basic tenet of SAGNOF! is that closers come and go and some go quicker than others.  Broxton could be fine, and don’t drop him if you lucked out into grabbing him, but, if you need any other piece, Broxton’s value will never get higher.  As soon as he pitches, his value will probably fall.  Act fast, young, premature balding man!

Michael Pineda – You knew better than Grey.  You said, “Grey’s an effin’ jerk with feathered hair, but a really cool mustache.”  I know, you did.  I don’t hate you for it.  But when you drafted Pineda, you done messed up.  You know that, right?  He’s reporting he can play catch.  That’s great news…That you tell the trade partner in your league why he should trade you something for Pineda, before he’s mysteriously shut down again.

Jason Heyward – I know it’s one game.  But I’m scared, y’all.  I think Fredi Gonzalez hates Heyward about as much as he likes to throw Venters.  And Heyward’s been striking out a lot.  He might need a change of venue.  I actually hope I’m wrong here.  I hope I’m reading too much into one game, but something’s up.  He’s far too talented to be hitting 7th, then if Chipper returns and Prado moves to the outfield and Diaz plays, Heyward could sit vs. lefties.   That’s death for his fantasy and potential trade value.  I wouldn’t trade him for a VHS of Mama’s Family blooper reels, but I would explore options.

You smell that?  No, not your armpits.  That’s Opening Day.  The real thing this time!  I love you, you sick, twisted, little game run by an egomaniac with a bad toupee.   I love you!  I want to touch baseball’s boobies!  They are warm to my touch; those beautiful baseball boobies!  I am gushing over baseball’s boobies!  Grey, um, you’re writing this down; this isn’t your inner monologue.  Good call, Random Italicized Voice.  Embarrassing.  Speaking of embarrassing, how about that monstrosity just past the Marlins’ outfield fences?  It’s a passive-aggressive ode to a fan base and city that is loathed by Marlins’ senior management.  “You Marlin fans – all you care about are pretty colors.  You don’t even appreciate the ode to Miro!”  That was what the Marlins president said after he called Marlin fans stupid.  (The last part isn’t a lie.  You can use Google, if you don’t believe me.  I understand; the Internet made me cynical too.  I blame you, Al Gore!)  Oh, that’s all assuming you can see the outfield fences.  Where’d they put the center field fence?  Cuba?  It’s like they combined Petco with AT&T Park.  They have Cuban raftees floating just past the outfield fences.  You got humidity blowing in, fences 28 miles off the coast of Key West, my beautiful Giancarlo Stanton, whose boobies I’d gush over too, and now I got agita.  We should suggest in the comments what to call this pink and aqua-blue hot mess the Marlins call a stadium.  I got one idea, Unicornco.  Anyway, here’s what else happened yesterday in 2012 fantasy baseball:

Matt Holliday – 0-for-5 as he hit third.  Looks like that’s a big Pujols to fill.

Rafael Furcal – 3-for-5, 1 RBI (which isn’t a Ron Ben-Israel) and a steal.  This is something I’ve noticed in my *covers mouth* years covering fantasy baseball.  Old players get off to fast starts.  I think it has to do with them not being tired of the grind of the long season yet.  Their legs are still fresh.  You’ll see, Alfonso Soriano will start the year fast, Torii Hunter will start hot, etc. etc. etc.  There should be a name in the glossary for these old players that start hot.  Suggest in the comments.  Thank you.

David Freese – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs, 1 Run.  A nationally televised game and Freese turns into Babe Ruth.  I will now call you, The Primetime Kid.

Kyle Lohse – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 Hits, 3 Ks.  Last year, his April ERA was 1.64 and his May ERA was 2.57.  Okay, so there’s worse flyers for the early months of the season.

Hanley Ramirez – 0-for-4 and looked about as good at third, giving away at least two base hits.  Also, Reyes and Ramirez are really going out of their way to bring in a new Miami crowd.  Miguel Olivo’s probably soooo jealous.

Josh Johnson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks.  On the bright side, he didn’t get injured.

Andrew Bailey – Underwent successful surgery in Cleveland, then visited the Jock and Skoal Hall of Fame, which features a glob of Lenny Dykstra’s used dip and an extracted mouth lesion from Terry Francona.

Alfredo Aceves – For a man that invented the sandwich wrap, Bobby Valentine is totally crackers.  Yesterday, he announced that Aceves would be the Sawx closer.  Let’s see, a pitcher who would be better in relief is in the rotation (Bard), a pitcher who saved games last year is in middle relief (Melancon) and a pitcher who whined that he wanted to start (Aceves) is the closer.  To recap — Huh, what, oh, okay, wait, what?  Valentine said Aceves would see the save if the Sawx were leading in the first game.  He didn’t say anything about game five or ten or twenty.  It may be needlessly nitpicky, but I think there’s something between the lines there.  Obviously, Aceves is the first one to own right now, but I wouldn’t drop Melancon if you have room.

Kyle Farnsworth – Diagnosed with an elbow strain that’s “not a major concern.”  And I’m getting an elbow strain from making the “jerking off” motion after hearing them say it’s “not a major concern.”  The Rays can spin this any way they like, but a pitcher with an elbow strain in April is a major concern.  I wouldn’t hesitate to grab Peralta, though the Rays are saying they may use a committee.  Is anything done better by committee besides jerk seasoning, which is flavor by committee?

Sean Rodriguez – Named the Rays starting shortstop…. And he’ll probably be benched at least twice a week unless he becomes a hot schmotato.

Jed Lowrie – Astros’ GM said he would wait until Friday to decide on whether or not he was going to DL Lowrie.  Sounds like even the Astros’ GM doesn’t own Lowrie in fantasy.

Devin Mesoraco – Dusty announced Hanigan would be the Opening Day starter.  Well, that stinks, but to take the sting away, Votto is buying a Lamborghini for the first 2,000 fans in attendance.

Hector Santiago – Robin Ventura has still said nothing about who’s the actual closer in Chicago.  This is ridiculous.  The season’s started already, name someone!  No wonder Nolan Ryan beat the crap out of him.  As of right now, I’d go with Matt Thornton, Hector Santiago, Addison Reed and Jesse Crain.  I have little to no confidence in that order.  So, as Al Pacino would scream at me, , “No, those closers are out of order!”

Brandon Belt – When Bochy lifted his giant melon out of bed yesterday, two things were on his mind.  First, I want to make Grey happy by having Brandon Belt make the Opening Day roster.  Second, I wonder if they make back support but for heads.  Can’t help on the second, but thank you and your giant cantaloupe for the first one.  Here’s what I said in the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball, “If Belt were guaranteed everyday playing time, Belt is capable of 25/10/.280, which would have him poised to be a top 5 1st baseman next year.  The problem is Bruce Bochy has a gigantic head, but a very small brain.  Hopefully he realizes Belt ties the entire Giants outfit together.  2012 Projections:  70/24/80/.280/10 (in 500 ABs)”  And that’s me getting very excited about Belt!  He still has great promise for a better tomorrow.  This message was brought to you by the Committee to Elect Grey Albright for Public Office and Stop Whoever Keeps Vandalizing the L Out of the Word Public.

Josh Outman – Hits the DL after he injured himself vomiting.  I thought only the players’ wives got injuries like that.  Anna Benson, “Finally a pitcher who understands me!”

Alright, so mockdraftcentral still has Allen Craig (or as I like to call him, Craig Allen because he has two first names and it’s just confusing) in their 300 ADP, and he’s getting drafted at a 61.5%  clip.  This wouldn’t seem like someone who’s flying under any radars, Grey or not.  However, they also have Jorge Posada drafted in 15.8% of leagues so let’s just realize there are some people who need corks on their forks out there who only draft players because they saw them in the World Series that one time.  Unfortunately, one of those Ruprechts out there might be lucking into a very valuable season.  I’m veering off the unbeaten path back onto the beaten to feature him because I see someone who is 2B eligible in yahoo leagues that could conceivably hit you 18 to 20 HRs with 450 at-bats.  Even discounting his 2011 line, you might stumble into a .280 average with 70 RBIs.  If you’re willing to draft Chase Utley or Rickie Weeks in the 7th round, I don’t see how you can’t like the idea of getting similar counting stats from the 20th round on down minus the steals.

Now for the Negative Nelly’isms.  Let me fill them in for you so you don’t have to waste finger strength.  But where does he play, ONC?  Ah, good hypothetical question, hypothetical reader.  Truth be told, I don’t know, all I know is there are plenty of question marks in the current projected starting lineup.  First let’s talk about injury bugs, a bug in the same genus as the ‘flu bug’ and the ‘acting bug’ if my knowledge of arthropods is correct (and I can assure you it’s not).  David Freese has been known to ride the pine with scrapes and bruises, Rafael Furcal has never seen a DL stint he didn’t like and Carlos Beltran is playing on borrowed knees; he may sprain one when he gets Niese’s nose job bill.  The great thing about Craig is that he can play a lot of different positions as he did last year when he had at least two games at each of the following: 1B, 2B, 3B, LF, CF, RF.  Injuries move players all over the place and open chances to get him at-bats.  Let’s not forget that lineup has more holes than Mormon underwear (get it?  Holy underwear?  Hole-ier?  Yeah, it was a stretch.  Come pun with me and you’ll be more flexible than a Hatha Yoga instructor).  Jon Jay has proven nothing in CF and they currently have Daniel Descalso slated to start at 2B.  That’s a lot of meh up the middle which creates room for him in the likely event of nuclear suckage.

Looking back, I count 5 bolded names in that last paragraph that could allow Craig to sneak into the lineup.  I’m not mentioning Holliday or Berkman as they’ve stayed relatively healthy, though they are both getting a bit older.  So I guess I’m kinda mentioning them.  More of an FYI about possible DLs for a couple of ODB’s.  Wanna know what other ODB kept Allen Craig from fully playing last year?  La Russa.  You know, the guy who retired from managing so he can complain at the retirement center about the ladies trying to steal his Apple ID (inside joke from frequent commenter AdmiralTrey).  Without the lineup madness, Craig should have a great shot to build on his 2011 post-season.