Fantasy Baseball Advice

It’s been a while since I went through all the major league closers and their setup men and where they should be ranked. So I figured I’d break it down for you because knowing all the closers and all of their setup man could be helpful for all of you. A million dollars and a naked Christina Ricci chained to your furnace could also be helpful, but I don’t have a furnace. Anyway, all the major league closers and their setup men seems like something all fantasy baseball players could use, so here it is. BTW, do you see how giving I am? I’m like Jolie-giving. Seriously, I should be wearing a habit and carrying a Malaysian orphan in a baby sling while talking on my solar-powered cellphone.

NO-BRAINERS

This tier is filled with a bunch of no-brainers (Papelbon — a no-brainer! Get it? Oofa!). These closers could get you the most in any trade. I would not hesitate to trade away any of these guys for the right price. In the end, closers are here to get you saves. You could end up with more saves from Rauch than Joe Nathan. When stacked with closers, unstack and trade.

1. Jonathan Papelbon, BOS (Hideki Okajima)
2. Joe Nathan, MIN (Matt Guerrier, Dennys Reyes)
3. Francisco Rodriguez, LAA (Justin Speier, Scot Shields)
4. Mariano Rivera, NYY (Joba Chamberlain)
5. Billy Wagner, NYM (Aaron Heilman)
6. Brad Lidge, PHI (Tom Gordon)
7. Takashi Saito, LAD (Jonathan Broxton)

BRAINERS

These closers seem like they have a lot more risk than they actually do. It takes a real brainer to see how potentially valuable some of these brainers are. If you trade a no-brainer for a brainer and another player, you’re likely coming out on top.

8. Joakim Soria, KAN (Ramon Ramirez, Leo Nunez)
9. Francisco Cordero, CIN (David Weathers)
10. Jon Rauch, WAS (Luis Ayala)
11. Bobby Jenks, CHW (Scott Linebrink, Octavio Dotel)
12. Brandon Lyon, ARI (Tony Pena, Chad Qualls)
13. Trevor Hoffman, SDG (Heath Bell, Cla Meredith)
14. Jose Valverde, HOU (Doug Brocail)
15. Brian Fuentes, COL (Manny Corpas, Taylor Buchholz)
16. J.J. Putz, SEA (Brandon Marrow, Sean Green)
17. Matt Capps, PIT (Damaso Marte)
18. Brian Wilson, SAN (Tyler Walker)
19. Kevin Gregg, FLA (Renyel Pinto)
20. Kerry Wood, CHC (Bob Howry, Carlos Marmol)
21. George Sherrill, BAL (Bunch of Schmohawks)

BRAIN FREEZE

At some point soon, you’re going to squeeze your temples and grimace like you just ate a pint of Dreyer’s. All of these guys should be traded after they go on a string of few saved games, assuming they go on a string of a few saved games.

22. Huston Street, OAK (Keith Foulke, Joey Devine)
23. Troy Percival, TAM (Dan Wheeler, Al Reyes)
24. B.J. Ryan, TOR (Scott Downs)
25. Manny Acosta, Rafael Soriano, Blaine Boyer, et al, ATL (John Smoltz)
26. Rafael Betancourt/Masa Kobayashi, CLE (Joe Borowski)
27. Todd Jones, DET (Clay Rapada, Aquilino Lopez, Fernando Rodney)
28. Eric Gagne, MIL (Salomon Torres, G. Mota)
29. C.J. Wilson, TEX (Eddie Guardado, Joaquin Benoit)
30. Ryan Franklin/Russ Springer, STL (Jason Isringhausen)

If I were an emoticon, I would be a sad face. Maybe Tulowitzki shouldn’t have been jogging in socks and flip-flops after all. The only way he wouldn’t get on track this year is if he were injured. What does Tulo do? Gets injured. Badly, as it turns out. Tulowitzki is out until the All-Star break and that’s being optimistic. As Seinfeld might say, “What is the deal with all of these quad injuries?” In one year leagues, if you have no room on your DL, I’d say drop him. There’s not much positive to be had from these. I picked up Bobby Crosby in one deep league and Barmes in another. Why do I suddenly feel like I want to roller skate down a spiral staircase while carrying eighty pounds of deer meat? Some guys I’d look at to replace Tulowitzki (of course it depends on the league and needs): Felipe Lopez, Erick Aybar, Keppinger, Ronny Cedeno… I just thought of something. How about someone “take out” (those real quotes would be air quotes if we were, ya know, speaking) Grudzielanek? Then we can get Callaspo in there. Oh my God, I’m hoping for Callaspo to replace Tulo. The loss of Tulowitzki has made me delirious. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Chad Cordero - I’ve been saying for three weeks now Rauch gets more saves than Cordero. Now I wouldn’t be surprised if Cordero doesn’t get one more save this year. I’d drop him too, if you have no room.

Phil Hughes - Out until July, you probably don’t have him anyway, except in AL-Only leagues.

BJ Upton - Injury bug’s sure going around. He hurt himself on a swing. He says he’ll be all right. I say expect him to miss ten days, not go on your DL and be a nuisance.

Zach Greinke - Okay, onto something positive. He K’d nine Rangers. I think Carlos Silva could K seven Rangers, so it is what it is. But Greinke looks phenomenal this year. He’s always been a control pitcher with three solid pitches to strikeout opposing hitters. It’s just when he starts acting like Joey from The Real World: Hollywood is when we have to worry. (BTW, I like how the stripper/cokehead comes home with JoJo, a guy who wears a bling gun belt, and tells Joey that he’s a bit too messed up for her. That’s like getting blown off by… Well, a stripper/cokehead. BTW II, I would’ve put spoiler alert, but I don’t think anyone watches this shizz anyway. But I digress.) To think, Meche is better than Greinke. Karabell reminds me of the little kid who lives on my street. They mean well, yet I still wish them harm.

Travis Hafner - Okay, Pronk’s in a funk, but to drop him to sixth against a righty? So Dellucci could bat third? Listen, I’m as big a fan of fourth outfielders as the next guy, but Dellucci? I’m going to move on before I have aneurysm.

Jack Cust - Went 4-for-4 and deep. I really hope this is the start of big things because Rudy’s got him on his Razzball team. Cust kayin’.

Alexis Rios - Home run, steal, and the move to the leadoff spot doesn’t bother me that much. Where you thought you were getting RBIs, you’re now getting a few more runs. You won’t take 120/32/80/.300/25?

AJ Burnett - Burnett has been giving Rudy headaches lately. (Rudy doesn’t mind drafting AL pitchers; buy him a beer sometime and ask him about it. Or search the site. Whatever.) Burnett was wild, but unhittable last night against the Red Sox.

Hiroki Kuroda - Good start, but he seems completely unpredictable.

Paul Byrd - 1.71 ERA in last four starts. I guess that’s good if you had him for the last four starts. I wouldn’t want him for his next four.

Rafael Betancourt - Ichiro Suzuki (cause I use last names) scored on a fielding error by Blake (who was batting second, I’m assuming Wedge is trying to get fired). If you thought Kobayashi would be next line, he gave up the go ahead home run to The Big Sexy in the tenth.

JJ Putz - I think he threw one strike the entire inning and that was a hanging splitter to The Big FraGu. Maybe he’s hiding some lingering soreness from his injury? Just speculating.

Kerry Wood - I’m by no means a Wood apologist, but HBP, Soriano misplays a ball, infield single, walk, Braun hits a triple, it wasn’t really Wood’s fault. Just bad circumstances.

Eric Gagne - Walk, strikeout, then a bullet double play. Just good circumstances.

Carlos Marmol - I’m pretty sure he would’ve just struckout the side in his third inning of work. BTW, Marmol has 19 innings of work through May 1st. This will probably kill Marmol for next year, but Piniella doesn’t seem to care.

Brian Shouse - Second win this season by Shouse where he only needed one pitch. Get on board!

Dr. Julie Andrews sure has been busy lately. First sending Posada to the DL now Smoltz. Officially Smoltz has a severely old arm that has been severely overused which leaves him severely doubtful for a while. Actually, that wasn’t official, but let’s just say the injury news reaffirms a sore arm that first appeared in March. So what does that mean? It means you’re S.O.L — shit out of luck. I wouldn’t be surprised if Smoltz isn’t around for a few months and even when he returns, it may not be for long. He may just return, pitch a few times then reinjure himself. So what do you do? Well, you put him on your DL or you trade him for fifty cents on the dollar. I suggest you trade him. Old pitchers with a ton of innings on their arm who complain of arm soreness in spring training, then go on the DL with the same arm soreness, aren’t good ones to hold onto. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Johnny Cueto - Um, yeah… Well, he did retire César Izturis once. Okay, he was rocked. By the Cardinals. Badly. But he’s not the first rookie pitcher to get hit hard. Last year, Lincecum and Gallardo both had their hiccups (or vomitings, depending on your POV). He’s a rookie pitcher and these things have to be weathered or get out of the rookie pitcher game. Will Cueto continue to get rocked? Let’s hope not, but he’s a rookie. He did tweak something in his leg last time out, so maybe that was the issue. Let’s hope so. He still has a tremendous K/BB ratio. You can’t drop him to waivers yet as much as you might want to.

Derrek Lee - I said in January, “In the 2nd half last year, he finally regained his power that was so badly missing after his wrist injury. Post-All-Star break in ’07, he hit 16 of his 22 homers. Watch this trend continue into ‘08.” And that’s me quoting me! Can he hit 45 home runs? Doubtful, but 35 seems more than doable.

Joe Borowski - He’s playing toss, which is to say he’s throwing as hard as he can. Oofa! Yeah, he’s still a few weeks away from pressing Betancourt and even then, I’m skeptical he can be an effective closer. Although…

Rafael Betancourt - Was a shook one. Beltre (who had three walks in a game for the first time since 2004!) hit a bomb. Betancourt’s still fine. For now. Stay posted.

Ben Sheets - Six times in his career he’s walked five or more batters. Tonight he walked seven. I’m guessing he’s hiding an injury. I know, big surprise.

Alfonso Soriano - He’s coming back from the DL on Thursday and will immediately go into the leadoff spot. I’d field offers to see what I could get because, as always, before the injured player returns he has the most value. I wouldn’t trade him for a chicken fetus and toast, but, ya know, send out feelers.

Jonathan Broxton - Looks to be headed to the DL. This actually hurts me more than Smoltz because I have Broxton on a lot of teams. It was described as an injury simliar to Rich Harden’s. *sticking my head in the oven*

Troy Tulowitzki - Ugh. He left the game with an apparent leg injury. Hopefully it’s nothing to serious because he hasn’t even started to hit yet. The last thing his owners (me on a lot of teams) need is for him to be sidelined and never get on track. Baker was supposed to start last night. *turning on the oven*

Chad Cordero - Going back to the DL. Maybe Nomar and Blalock can work him into their carpool schedule. Kids gotta go to school!

Troy Glaus - I know it’s not a sexy pick, but, as I keep saying, he can help you.

Kevin Kouzmanoff - This guy is laying a major turd baby in every single at-bat. Honestly, I thought last year’s 1st half slump was simply a rookie adjusting and his 2nd half numbers were a sign that he would come out fast this year. Well, this article I wrote way back in December was a joke, but seems eerily prescient (Word of the Day, bitches!).

Joel Pinero, Carlos Silva and Josh Fogg - Combined for like 80 innings of 2 run baseball yesterday with like a .00001 WHIP. Why won’t my pitching suck?!

Ryan Zimmerman - Hit his first home run since April 2nd. I’m still not a fan, but this might lead to a hot streak. Those Zimmerfans out there better hope so.

Jose Guillen - If picking up Guillen off waivers causes you to have an erection for longer than four hours, you need to see a doctor, but I told you last week he was a good buy low. Is he exciting? No, but he’ll get some home runs.

Chipper Jones - Player of the month. I’d still trade him tomorrow for the right offer. In fact, I suggest you start trying to trade him. He won’t stay healthy for 150 games like he wants to. His value will never be higher than it will be today.

Mike Cameron - Returned and was placed right into the two hole. He went 3-for-5 with two runs and two RBIs. I felt like Tejada was a great pick this year because he wanted to prove to people that he was clean and under 35. By that twisted logic, Cameron could also be in for a good year. If you won’t pick him up because he cheated, grab JR Towles — he went to Jesus Camp.

Here’s what I said in January, “I’m just going to point out one negative. In 650 ABs, he walked 33 times and struck out 109 times. He’s got speed; he’s in a great hitting park. He will not hit .288 again. At the first sign of struggle, he starts swinging for the fences and he goes into a deep funk. Hitters who don’t take walks fall into slumps. Do yourself a favor and let someone else draft Phillips. Projections: 80/19/75/.240/25 and is benched in July because his slump is “all in his head.”” And that is me quoting me. Through yesterday’s game Brandon Phillips is at 10/2/6/.250/3 with 20 Ks and 6 walks through 88 at-bats. Also, his BABIP is above the league average, so he actually is doing better than he should. As Rich Dad would say, Brandon Phillips is a liability, not an asset. Will he become completely unusable? I think he could. That’s not to say he will. It’s a bad sign when there’s chance. Don’t trade him for a Sportflics Canseco rookie card and a can of cola, but I would entertain offers. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Carlos Gomez - He homered yesterday, but I don’t think that’s an indication of great things on the horizon. As I said two weeks ago, a guy who tries to bunt with two strikes to get on base is not really someone you want to invest too heavily in. Picture this: Guy buys a Ferrari, but can’t afford gas.

Francisco Liriano - I told you to trade him two weeks ago. He has no value now.

Johnny Cueto - I began writing a strongly-worded letter to Dusty Baker when he let Cueto bat in the fifth inning, but Cueto surprised me and made short work of the Astros in the sixth and seventh inning. I feel like Cueto’s my little brother and I have to defend him, but he really only made a few mistakes in this entire game and half of them were to Berkman, who is on fire right now.

Corey Patterson - Was good to see him get the start against a righty (it’s bad that it’s not a given). Then Dusty pulled him for Freel when he was about to face a different righty. Oh, Dusty, you do have your way, huh? Corey made a baserunning mistake prior to getting yanked; he’s now probably further in the doghouse. He better give Jayson Nix a call for some moral support.

Brian “The Brain” McCann - He was the only top catcher I liked coming into this season for his value versus ADP. Hasn’t disappointed thus far, not to mention his slide into third for his triple was like a Triple Lindy gone bad.

Dustin McGowan - Seven walks. Sixteen on the season. Like when a girl calls you after a first date and says, “I had a really good time tonight.” Too much, too soon.

Jayson Werth - Four home runs and a .300 average. When The Flying Hawaiian returns, Jenkins isn’t going to play a whole lot.

Donnie Murphy - 2 home runs yesterday. Still nothing to see here.

Cliff Lee - For those wondering where this is coming from, he did finish fourth in the Cy Young voting in 2005 when he won 18 games and posted a sub-4.00 ERA. Though the strikeouts to this point are high. If you can move him for Wainwright or Maine, I would.

Miguel Olivo - I thought the lack of Miguel Cabrera post-home run hugs and booty slaps might affect Olivo adversely, but he’s hit three home runs in ten games.

Rafael Betancourt - In case you forgot because he hadn’t recorded a save yet, he is the closer.

Melky Cabrera - 4 home runs and counting.

Adam Melhouse - Injured his right hand. Whoopie-dee-doo, right? If he goes down, Salty comes back. Come again? You need a catcher, right? JARROD SALTALAMACCHIA might get the call-up. (I kinda hope he doesn’t cause his name is a nightmare to spell.)

Mike Napoli - 5 home runs and counting. Does it really matter if he’s not starting every game?

Chad Billingsley - I’m going to try a little experiment. Before the game starts, I’m writing this *****GUESS ALERT: Billingsley’s going to strikeout a lot because the D-Backs are swing-happy, he’ll walk a few cause that’s what he do, and he’ll still lose.***** Okay, I’m back. Wow, I did pretty well. And so did Chad, 12 Ks and only two walks. Very nice, but he still gave up five runs. I have no idea how he pulled that off because I had to watch Survivor. SPOILER ALERT: I can’t believe Jason, James and Erik didn’t try something. They made me embarrassed to be a man (as if it’s not embarrassing enough watching Survivor). James needs to stop talking about Eve and the stupid apple and start playing the game. And when did they develop Natalie’s character? Um, never. She was completely out of left field. You need to plant the seeds that someone is an -ocker short of a rocker. Okay, Survivor rant over. Sorry.

Nomar Garciaparra - He’s batting third. The Dodgers’ offense called and they said they wanted Mike Piazza back. They’d even take ‘07 Piazza. (BTW, You know that twitchy shizz Nomar does before he gets into the box? You think he does that before he gets into Mia’s box? If Mia were to let him.

Joe Borowski landed on the DL, but he’s not coming back any time soon. He was put on the DL because he couldn’t throw a ball faster than 83 MPH. Do you think that’s going to change with some R & R?  Rafael Soriano is on the DL, Peter Moylan is on the DL, so Manny Acosta takes over the closer role. I said yesterday, Manny Acosta could be the closer for a while. So what else is going on in the world of major league closers and some fantasy baseball implications? Let’s take a look:

Trevor Hoffman - Last week, I advised you trade for him and I’m saying the same now. Maybe I’ll say more of the same next week. Oh, happy day!

Jose Valverde - He was not good before last year. Not sure what you can get for him, but I would explore trade options sooner rather than later. I picked up Brocail two days ago where I had room.

Francisco Rodriguez - Shields is the setup man, but I’m not fielding him on any team right now. I trust K-Rod to stay relatively healthy.

Rafael Betancourt - The closer for right now in Borowski’s stead. I get the sneaky suspicion that Rafael Perez and/or Masahide Kobayashi are going to have a say in this. I think they all need to be fielded in AL-Only leagues and deep mixed leagues.

Takashi Saito - Broxton could be the closer right now, but Torre’s not making this switch, at least not unless Saito completely breaks down, which I don’t see happening. I mean, for Christmas sake, Torre played Nomar immediately.

Huston Street - He’s on a team that should lose 90 to 100 games and he’s more injury-prone than Nordberg. You make the call!

Chad Cordero - Jon Rauch will have more saves than Cordero by the end of the year.

Brian Wilson - Saves are saves but Wilson is almost not worth the hassle. I’d try and move him if anyone’s reading Karabell’s usual vomit, where he called Wilson a great Buy Low candidate. Unless his definition of Buy Low is a shaky closer that walks as many as he strikes out. Then he’s right on.

Brad Lidge - Now for an actual Buy Low guy. Who are the Phillies turning to if Lidge fails? Brett Myers again? Tom Gordon? Will the Phillies win close to 90 games? They can. Does Brad Lidge still strike out a ton? Sure does. Are people absolutely terrified he’s going to implode at any second? Yup, they are. Will he? I don’t think so. If he stays healthy, he can get 40 saves with excellent strikeout numbers. As Abba once sang, “Gonna do my very best and it ain’t no lie… If you put me to the test, if you let me try…Take a chance on me…” (Sorry if you now can’t get that out of your head.)

B.J. Ryan - BJ will have you down on your knees. (hehe) He’s not safe, but you knew that. Unfortunately, the people behind him have jumbled themselves as who a clear cut heir apparent might be. At this point, if BJ can’t close a game, if could be anyone from Frasor to Accardo to Wolfe to Downs. I kinda hope BJ can pull it together so I don’t have to pick up any of those other schmohawks.

George Sherrill - Now has six saves. I’d still trade him if I got the right offer.

Brandon Lyon - Not sure if there’s a closer I trust less right now. I even picked up Qualls in one deep league.