Fantasy Baseball Advice

How about them White Sox?!  Yeah, they chucked in the pale towel sometime between Ozzie Guillen’s Monday outburst and Ozzie Guillen’s Tuesday outburst of this week.  One of the pieces them grabbed that was hailed by many as being a stroke of genius was Jake Peavy.  Yeah, the Padres actually made a good trade there as Peavy struggles with an elbow injury.  Another piece, Alex Rios.  I think even Jessica Shaw would concur Rios is so fifteen minutes ago. He’s batting a cool .156 for the Sox with one homer and one steal.  Those stats are also known as Less Than What Drew Stubbs Did Any Day This Week.  You drafted Rios pretty high, I’m sure.  It didn’t work out.  Holding him is compounding your mistake. Anyway, here’s so other players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Brad Penny – For Christmas, I want a Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!  But I’ll settle for pitching in the NL.

Barry Zito – No, anyone but Zito! Has a 1.92 ERA since the ASB.  But please keep in mind his last blow out was a 4 1/3 IP, 9 ER game vs. the Padres.  So at any time, at any place he could say to you he just ran over your dog, Arfer Woofruff.

Brian Duensing/Jeff Manship – Why doesn’t Manship give his name a LaRoche-type flair?  A’la ManShip.  Much better, right?  Then DuenSing… Well, that kinda looks like an Asian prison name.  These guys may burn you like chlamydia, but if you need to take match-up chances with AL pitchers, I’d take them here.

Buster Posey – This is more about keepers.  Not girls that can tell you Carney Lansford’s career batting average.  Fantasy baseball keepers.

Wade Davis – Same as above.  Go ahead, shift your eyes up.  Too lazy?  Okay.  I’d only go after Davis in keepers.  Or, of course, AL-Only leagues.

Tim Hudson – 5 IP, 2 ER.  (<–Probable pitching line)  Act like you know, MC Lyte.

Franklin Morales – Huston Street’s MIA for a few days, giving way to Morales.

Phil Hughes – If Mariano has to miss time to prep for the playoffs, Hughes would probably get the majority of the saves.

Juan Gutierrez – SAGNOF!  I’d even grab Zavada and Vasquez in leagues where I’m really hurting for saves.

Brett Myers – I see Myers getting up to 3 saves in September, so think about how bad you need those 3 saves.

Brandon Allen – Strictly for power and in deep leagues.  He hit two homers in the last week and a third was robbed by Andre Ethier’s Mom’s son.

Casey McGehee – 3 HRs and 9 RBIs in the last four games.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t steal any bases, but if you need MI pop, there ya go.

Felix Pie – I’ve mentioned him so much in the last few days, I got Pee-ay coming out my ears.  If you haven’t heard me mention him, where ya been?  Vacay?  That’s nice.  Hope you SPF’d the proper areas.  Skin damage is only cool when you’re under 25.

Andy Marte – Loving me some Marte in some leagues.  Why, Grey?  Do tell, you *pinkie to mouth* Smarte. Sure, random italicized voice.  3 homers in the last 7 games for Marte.  Added bonus:  No relation to Damaso.

Yunel Escobar – Batting near .400 in the last week with two homers.  He goes hot to cold quickly, so grab him no or forever hold your peace.  Or piece, if you’re gangsta.

Michael Brantley – My ‘pert radar is telling me Sizemore’s not long for this season.  Brantley’s got speed.  SAGNOF!

Drew Stubbs – He should only be steals, but he’s been showing power.  The power will stop, the Ks and steals will begin.  Any day now, Annie Potts.

Rajai Davis – He’s only listed here because he’s owned in less than 30% of ESPN leagues.  Why is he owned in less than 30% of ESPN leagues?!  Seriously.  He had 15 steals in August and he’s batting near .400 in the last week.

Matt Diaz – It’s Dye-as.  Lefty killer.  Lately, slaughtering both sides.  Anyone who’s read this site for a long time knows that I’ve always liked Diaz as a platoon outfielder. (Play him against his strong side, sit vs. weak side.  Kinda like I’ve been doing with David Murphy and The Big FraGu in one league.)  Really Diaz should be in your lineup vs. everyone until further notice.

SELL

Homer Bailey – Love to be the bearer of good news, but I don’t have any good news for you.  I have bad news.  Bad, unfortunate, sad news.  Bailey has three solid starts in a row, but two were against the Pirates.  If you have to take chances, I kinda understand it.  But Bailey gets the Rockies then the Cubs.  Don’t mind if I don’t.

Brian Matusz/Chris Tillman – Headed for Camp Shutdown.

Kyle Davies – Has back-to-back wins that have netted him a 2.25 ERA and 11 Ks in 12 innings.  Sounds nice, right?  One was vs. the A’s and one was against the M’s.

Adam Jones – Jones is done-zo.

Josh Willingham – Lately, he looks likes the one-tool outfielder he’s always been.

In this corner — BJ Upton.  In that corner — expectations.  Should be TKO with BJ clobbering expectations.  Not sure what happened on the way to September, but he hasn’t been right all season.  Maybe he’s hiding an injury.  But that was last season’s excuse.  This season he was supposed to make good on his cortisone-induced playoffs show that had every classy waitress in Tampa standing at attention from their chest.  Well, didn’t happen.  I still think there’s time and I’m excited about him next year (again!).  But until then, he’s now dealing with an ankle sprain.  I’m sure he comes back.  But at what?  87.7 percent?  You need 100% from this schmohawk.  Oh, and at 100%, he’s given you 2 homers and 8 steals with a near-.220 average since July 1st.  If there’s better options, I’d consider looking elsewhere.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Franklin Morales – Huston Street made it to September without an injury.  Mazel tov, my friends in Brooklyn.  It was a deed no one thought Street capable of in March.  Now he’s suffering from an arm issue.  Rafael Betancourt’s the righty, Franklin Morales is the lefty.  When in doubt, I go with the righty.  But the Rockies obviously got word that Betancourt is a Cuddle Boy, so they’re calling Morales the closer.

Jarrod Washburn – You guys had a good run.  Okay, it wasn’t that good.  But it’s over now.  He’s sucking on the suckhole and the Tigers are skipping him in the rotation.

Carlos Torres – 7IP, 0 ER, 6 Ks. He has a decent amount of Ks in the minors.  I’m not saying to grab him everywhere, but in some deeper leagues, I could see it where you need Ks because batters won’t be familiar with him.  He also walks a ton of guys, so be very careful.  He’s capable of a Spud from Trainspotting type defecation.

Michael Brantley – First steal (and caught stealing).  Nice to see him running.  He should continue to do so.  If not, we have people we can talk to to get him running again.  *wink wink* *nudge nudge* *hand under armpit making farting noises*

Fausto Carmona – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post.

John Smoltz – 6 IP, 4 ER.  Six innings and four earned is the line you get when you take a pitcher who shouldn’t go more than five innings more than five innings.  Or maybe he decided to tip his pitches again.  In fairness, Lugo bobbled a ball that should have been a double play then the wheels came off.

Jorge Posada – 4-for-5 and his 20th homer yesterday, while batting .288 on the season.  The Jetstream may be doing wonders, but he’s going into territory where he may be overrated next season.

Alfredo Aceves – Middle man who won his 10th game of the season yesterday.  Randy Wolf has 29 starts, 110 extra innings and 9 Wins.  Cust kayin’.

Cameron Maybin – 2-for-3 yesterday as he started, while Hermida deals with a strained intercostal (isn’t that a highway in Florida?).  Maybin should see time this weekend.

Marc Rzepczynski – Shutdown for the season.  And just when I figured out how to spell his last name.

Pedro Martinez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks.  Okay, never saw this game coming, but still a very solid effort sans dwarf.

Casey McGehee - Now has three homers in the last four games.  He’ll be discussed in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  You lucky you!

Jon Garland – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 Ks vs. his old team, the Diamondbacks.  So this is what other pitchers were talking about!

Orlando Hudson – Losing time to Ronnie Belliard.  Ouch.

Mark Reynolds – 1-for-4 with 3 Ks.  He now has 11 Ks in the last five games.  Obviously, I have much love for Reynolds this year, but this is the kind of stretch I worry about happening that would give me pause next year when people are going to be drafting him in the top 50 players overall.  When he was priced at an average draft pick of 175, it was much more reasonable.  Though I hope he turns it around and finishes this season strong so no one’s scared away for next year.  Muahahahahaha…

Hanley Ramirez – Missed another game because of his strained hamstring.  Then Uggla called him a faker.

Carlos Beltran – Hopes to return next week.  Wait until he sees what the Mets have done with the team!

Angel Pagan – 3-for-4 yesterday, hitting near .400 over the last week with one homer and one steal.  Maybe Pagan made a deal with the devil. (Pun point for Grey.)

Clint Barmes – Hit his 22nd homer.  Bar-MESS has 5 hits in his last ten games and two homers.  18 hits in August and he had 7 homers.  He’s a Jesse Barfield-Marcus Thames hybrid, the Barmes.

It’s good to be past the trading deadline.  The closers that kept their job feel woobie-safe.  Pull down the Murphy bed, Qualls is here to stay! You might be right, random italicized voice.  Don’t forget, closers still find a way to lose their job.  In the past week, Downs is down, Jenks looks jenky, Frank-Frank is a baby sneeze away from another stint on the DL, I fully expect Lindstrom to get back in the closer picture within two weeks and Nathan seems about as safe as they come and yet, he’s still just a closer.  Look at the ground with your forward facing eyes and put some drops in the eyes in the back of your head.  In other words, don’t settle in.  Sleep is the cousin of death.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Joe Nathan (+1) (Matt Guerrier, Jose Mijares)
2. Jonathan Papelbon (+2) (Takashi Saito, Hideki Okajima, Manny Delcarmen)
3. Francisco Rodriguez (-1) (Pedro Feliciano, Bobby Parnell)
4. Mariano Rivera (+2) (Phil Hughes)
5. Jonathan Broxton (-4) (Ramon Troncoso, George Sherrill)

Donkey-corns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkey-corns.

6. Heath Bell (-1) (Luke Gregerson, Mike Adams)
7. Joakim Soria (+14) (Juan Cruz, Jamey Wright)
8. Francisco Cordero (David Weathers, Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
9. Jose Valverde (+11) (Chris Sampson, Alberto Arias, LaTroy Hawkins)
10. Ryan Franklin (Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan, Dennys Reyes)
11. Huston Street (+2) (Rafael Betancourt, Matt Daley)
12. David Aardsma (Sean White, Mark Lowe)
13. Brian Wilson (Jeremy Affeldt, Bob Howry)
14. Trevor Hoffman (+9) (Todd Coffey, Mitch Stetter)
15. Kevin Gregg (Carlos Marmol)
16. Fernando Rodney (Bobby Seay, Brandon Lyon)
17. Rafael Soriano (+2) (Mike Gonzalez, Peter Moylan)
18. J.P. Howell (+4) (Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour, Joe Nelson)
19. Brian Fuentes (-10) (Jason Bulger, Darren Oliver, Justin Speier)
20. Chad Qualls (+8) (Jon Rauch)
21. Brad Lidge (-3) (Ryan Madson)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Troy Percival– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Pena in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

22. Matt Capps (+4) (Jesse Chavez)
23. Kerry Wood (+2) (Chris Perez, Joe Smith)
24. Mike MacDougal (+5) (Sean Burnett, Jason Bergmann)
25. Andrew Bailey (-12) (Michael Wuertz, Brad Ziegler)
26. Frank Francisco/C.J. Wilson (-2) (Darren O’Day)
27. Bobby Jenks (-10) (Matt Thornton, Octavio Dotel, Scott Linebrink)
28. Jason Frasor (-2) (Scott Downs, Brandon League)
29. Leo Nunez (Matt Lindstrom, Kiko Calero, Dan Meyer)
30. Jim Johnson (-11) (Danys Baez, Chris Ray, Billy Ray Valentine)

Yesterday, DeWayne Wise joined other historical footnotes, such as the guy who tried to tackle Hank Aaron as he rounded the bases on 715, Francisco Cabrera and the other 4 guys besides Crispus Attucks that were killed in the Boston Massacre, when he saved Mark Buehrle’s perfect game.  That’s the DeWayne Wise of this video.   I look forward to his next video, Stop Cheering Me!  Okay, so Buehrle is not just a difficult to spell last name.  No, sir.  He’s a perfect game pitcher, um, guy.   So what can we expect of him going forward?  After he threw the no-hitter in 2007, he went right back to being the just-below 4 ERA pitcher he was before and since.  I’d expect the same now.  This perfect game doesn’t do much for Buehrle’s value unless you can convince your leaguemates that he’s suddenly Nolan Ryan Jr.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Lance Berkman – To the DL.  What is totally lame, besides me using the word lame, he just pinch-hit on Wednesday.  Why play him at all if he might go on the DL?  Especially when all reports are saying he could’ve played through it.  He could have been back earlier after sitting out the July 21st game too.  Very frustrating.   On the bright side, now everyone has room for Garrett Jones!  *Grey saddles up to a bar*  What’s your name?  Garrietta Jones?  Marry me!

Jordan Zimmermann – Heads to the DL with elbow tenderness.  Even when he returns, his innings will be limited.  You guys had a good run, now it’s time to look elsewhere.

Mark Rzepczynski – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 Ks, 7 baserunners.  The RZE is really unreliable as a fantasy starter.

Alex Rios – 1-for-3, stole three bases yesterday.  I see what’s happening here.  Can’t give us fantasy value with power so you revert back to your speed.  Very sneaky.

Yunel Escobar – Hit another homer yesterday.  Doode’s out of his mind right now.  If only he didn’t have less speed than the three-hundred pound, Pablo Sandoval.

Jarrod Washburn – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners.  Who is this guy and what has he done with Jarrod Washburn?

Scott Kazmir – 6 IP, 5 ER.  I didn’t start him here and I won’t start him next time out.  At some point, I’m going to have to cut bait, but there’s too much upside for me to do it yet. (I did discuss it with Rudy though, so the time is near.)

Rafael Betancourt – Traded to the Rox as the Indians decide another season is in the books.  Sleep well, Comatose Indians Fan.

Dan Haren – 5 IP, 4 ER.  Hey, it’s after the All-Star break, it’s not like you weren’t forewarned.

Justin Upton – Yesterday, he hit his first homer since July 9th.  Good to see it, but he’s still hitting .167 in July so he has a bit to go before I say he’s fully back.

Phil Hughes – Getting saves now?  Zoinks!  Mariano had pitched in 5 of 6 games since the All-Star break.  Even (fill-in your deity) rested on (fill-in your Sabbath).

Alex Rodriguez – Might be the first time in two months I’ve mentioned him.  (I don’t talk much about the top players.)  Anyhoo, he has three steals in the last three games.  Great sign that his hip is feeling well.

Steve Pearce – 2-for-4 as he played 1st base.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  He’ll be just left of the forward slash.

Ryan Doumit – Third homer in two days.  I see your Miguel Montero and I raise you a Ryan Doumit.

Kyle Blanks – Rudy Jr. hit his 2nd homer yesterday.  Rudy was so proud, he called him up to congratulate him, but Kyle said, “You see my new job’s a hassle and kids have the flu, but it’s sure nice talking to you, Dad… It’s been sure nice talking to you.”  And as Rudy hung up the phone, it occurred to him, he should go grab a beer with Cecil Fielder.

In this month’s closer look, let’s discuss trading for closers.  Now before people think my battleship has sunk, I’m not saying to pay top dollar for closers.  But with us heading into July, it should be pretty clear how badly you need saves.  Luckily, saves are one of the categories (steals are another) where you can make up ground quickfast.  If you’re ten or more saves behind a pack of people and can gain three or more points with an additional closer or two, then you should be thinking about trading for a couple.   I’d look to trade one player from your strengths for two closers.  Think Shields for two donkey-corns.  Or a donkey-corn and a brain freeze.  It really depends on your strengths and weaknesses.  And since saves do come in bunches, if you’re finding yourself picking up plenty of ground in saves, then in August, you can trade away a closer or two for a different piece.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Jonathan Broxton (Ronald Belisario, Ramon Troncoso, Cory Wade)
2. Francisco Rodriguez (Pedro Feliciano, Bobby Parnell)
3. Joe Nathan (Matt Guerrier, Jose Mijares)
4. Jonathan Papelbon (Takashi Saito, Hideki Okajima, Manny Delcarmen)

Donkey-corns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkey-corns.

5. Heath Bell (Edward Mujica)
6. Mariano Rivera (+1) (Brian Bruney, Alfredo Aceves)
7. Bobby Jenks (-1) (Octavio Dotel, Matt Thornton, Scott Linebrink)
8. Francisco Cordero (David Weathers, Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
9. Brian Fuentes (+2) (Darren Oliver, Justin Speier)
10. Ryan Franklin (+2) (Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan, Dennys Reyes)
11. Andrew Bailey (+16) (Brad Ziegler, Michael Wuertz, Santiago Casilla)
12. David Aardsma (+12) (Sean White, Mark Lowe, Chad Cordero)
13. Brian Wilson (+2) (Jeremy Affeldt, Bob Howry)
14. Huston Street (+6) (Joel Peralta, Manny Corpas)
15. Kevin Gregg (-1) (Carlos Marmol)
16. Fernando Rodney (+2) (Joel Zumaya, Bobby Seay)
17. George Sherrill (+5) (Jim Johnson, Danys Baez, Chris Ray)
18. Brad Lidge (-8) (Ryan Madson)
19. Mike Gonzalez (-2) (Rafael Soriano)
20. Jose Valverde (+8) (LaTroy Hawkins, Chris Sampson)
21. Joakim Soria (+4) (Juan Cruz, Jamey Wright, Kyle Farnsworth)
22. J.P. Howell (+8) (Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour, Joe Nelson)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Troy Percival– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Pena in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

23. Trevor Hoffman (-1) (Carlos Villanueva, Todd Coffey, Mitch Stetter)
24. Frank Francisco (-14) (C.J. Wilson)
25. Kerry Wood (-8) (Chris Perez, Rafael Betancourt)
26. Matt Capps (-2) (John Grabow, Jesse Chavez, Sean Burnett)
27. Jason Frasor (-8) (Scott Downs, B.J. Ryan)
28. Chad Qualls (-15) (Tony Pena, Clay Zavada, Jon Rauch)
29. Mike MacDougal (Joe Beimel, Julian Tavarez)
30. Leo Nunez (-4) (Dan Meyer, Matt Lindstrom, Kiko Calero, Waco My Airplane)