Since Corey Kluber returned from the DL, he’s been lights out.  Then lights on.  Then off.  On.  Off!  Nothing but glow sticks.  The sweet smell of body odor, ganja and herbal ecstasy rises.  An Asian man with pigtails walks by with a Red Bull and you see he’s wearing a diaper that reads “Change me.”  And…the…music…DROPS!  What?  He is a Kluber.  Yesterday, he went 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.58.  Shin-Soo Choo-Choo, next stop 3.25!  Kluber has had some great years, says Private Obvious.  “You’ll never replace me!” says Captain Obvious.  Kluber’s great years are looking up at this season’s peripherals thus far.  He has his highest K/9 (11) and his best xFIP (2.98) since his Cy Young year, which happens to be the fifth best xFIP in the majors before Clayton Kershaw.  I’d guess Kluber comes up short of his Cy Young season’s 2.44 ERA, but there’s little reason why he can’t be a top five starter for the rest of the season.   Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Another week, another Clayton Kershaw start pushed to Monday. At least this week they moved the start before I wrote and submitted this article. If they move it again Saturday morning, then I will be convinced that Dave Roberts is just doing this to troll me every week. As of now, he is your top two-start starter for Week 12. He might even deserve his own tier.

For Week 12, there aren’t a ton of attractive options after our first two tiers. In previous weeks, we have had middle-of-the-road arms with some good peripherals or some recent success that were available in the majority of leagues. This week, though, I’m not crazy about any of the starters on this list that are going to be available in most leagues. Just look at the numbers in the chart below.

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Mat Latos has been on six different teams since 2015, DFA’d three times and some how is still pitching in the big leagues. He’s actually been pitching pretty well in his couple starts this season, carrying a 3.27 ERA and has only allowed 1 HR in his 11 innings.  However, a trip to Yankee stadium on Tuesday night should change those numbers in a hurry. New York Yankees currently rank first in runs scored and HRs hit in the American league. Meanwhile, Latos FIP is 5.48, so his 3.27 ERA doesn’t tell the whole story; he is due for one of those outings where he gives up a couple long balls and 6-7 runs. Bats like Aaron Judge ($7,600), Didi Gregorius ($7,200), Jacoby Ellsbury ($7,500) and Starlin Castro ($7,200) could prove to be a nice stack for the night.

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With these top 100 starters for 2017 fantasy baseball, I’ve finished our (my) 2017 fantasy baseball rankings for positions.  Still coming will be a top 100 overall and top 500 to see how all the positions mesh together like your mesh Redskins jersey that meshes with your burgundy sweatpants.  Trust me, when you see how long this post is, you’ll be glad I kept this intro short.  As always, my projections are included, and where I see tiers starting and stopping.  If you want an explanation of tiers, go back to the top 10 overall and start this shizz all over again.  Anyway, here’s the top 100 starters for 2017 fantasy baseball:

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Happy Black Friday!  Oops, sorry, I mean Happy African-American Friday!  As I type this, I’m being trampled at Bed, Bath and Beyond.  “There’s enough Scrub Daddys for everyone!”  The Diamondbacks got a head start on Black Friday sales on Wednesday when they traded Jean Segura, Mitch Haniger and Zac Curtis to the Mariners for Taijuan Walker and Ketel Marte.  What’s that old axiom, if you don’t know who the sucker is at the table, you’re the sucker.  Mariners, you’re the sucker.  If anyone forgot that the Diamondbacks fired Dave Stewart immediately following the end of the season, this was a reminder.  If Stewart were still there, the Diamondbacks would’ve traded Greinke for Todd Walker.  As Dave Stewart would say after reading that, “I’m not mad at ya.”  Don’t love the move to Chase Field for Walker, but the NL West makes that medicine go down a little easier, chim chiminy chim chiminy chim chim cher-ee!  Walker had a 8 K/9 and 2.5 BB/9 last year in 134 1/3 IP.  That goes up to 8.5 in the NL West and he’s pretending to yawn as he puts his arm around a low to mid-3 ERA.  The only thing that’s stopping you from nodding your head like a plus-size Pez is that Walker hasn’t done it yet.  He’s only 24 years old, not doing it yet isn’t a great excuse for never doing it.  For 2017, I’ll give him the projections of 12-11/3.44/1.18/153 in 160 IP.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2017 fantasy baseball:

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Holy shizzballs.  That’s not the Urban Dictionary definition of shizzballs either, which is when you shizz your grapes.  That’s shizzballs as in this is the greatest display of sexiness since a young Kim Cattrall was featured in a window display.  Brian Dozier is doing more for the long ball than any old man with shizzballs could ever imagine.  That’s back to the original definition of shizzballs.  Right now, Dozier is the exact perfect moment when your 12-year-old self pressed the buttons perfectly together on the old cable box and unscrambled Playboy TV at its best, with a perfectly scrolled, snowy version of Naughty Candid Camera.  Trying to cover, when being caught, “It’s Allen Funt, mom.  Uh…Maybe that’s not an F on the front of his last name.”  Yesterday, Brian Dozier hit three more homers — 3-for-5, 4 RBIs, hitting .279 — and now has 38 homers on the year, and is easily leading the entire majors for homers in the 2nd half with 24 homers.  For 2017, he’s going to be tough to peg, due to his inflated HR/FB% and falling line drive rate, but he doesn’t look much worse than a 25 HR/15 SB guy, which still has value.  For this year, obviously you ride the lightning.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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Chad Green was out there painting corners like he was on work release and someone decided the yellow curb needed to be yellower!  Green ball in the corner pocket is what he felt!  Green was dealing like a sad-looking, poker dealer at a poker room that is badly lit, which is known for having great dealers!  Green for the money, gold for the honeys!  Yesterday, Green was the envy of the league, though not a shizzton happened, admittedly.  He threw 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 11 Ks vs. the Jays.  Because his name is Green!  Nah, that’s prolly not the reason, but it’s an interesting thought.  Green has worked well in the minors (1.52 ERA in Triple-A), and gets strikeouts (9.5 K/9) with his mid-90s MPH fastball, and cutter.  At this point, I’d still rely on the Stream-o-Nator with him for shallower mixed leagues, but I could see a flyer on him in keeper leagues for a chance there’s something here moving into 2017.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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We all know Lefties do things different so I’m going to go off script today and do it like a Lefty. Instead of one featured pitcher I’m pulling a Trifecta and going with Tres Zurdos (or Three Lefties in case you don’t know basic Spanish). First up is my numero uno for the night, Robbie Ray, $9,600 vs the Mets. I don’t typically endorse a pitcher in Coors Jr, but the Mets have been awful vs LHP. Their offense is batting .221 in the month of August and their in the bottom 3 in offensive stats vs LHP. If Ray is smart he’ll avoid Wilmer Flores and Neil Walker to cruise to an easy victory with at least 7 Ks. Drew Smyly, $9,000 vs San Diego is SON’s top pick tonight, so I’m not venturing too far from a sure thing. The human emoticon got roughed up pretty bad for a month straight giving up 25 ER’s over six starts, but after a recent software update he’s turned his frown upside down and has been all smiles since. Over his last four starts he’s had 29 Ks in 25 innings to go along with a 2.52 ERA. The Padres are on the home stretch of a lengthy East Coast road trip, so I’m taking advantage of a weak offensive team who’s ready to pack it in and call it a night. The final Zurdo on my list is a Smyly’s former teammate Matt Moore, $8,800 vs Pittsburgh. Here’s another struggling offense that’s been lost for the first two weeks of August. Their offense prowess is not existent with Starling Marte nursing a back injury, Andrew McCutchen struggling and they’re hitting a paltry .214 in August. He hasn’t made a home start yet, but Moore has been solid since the trade with 14 Ks over 12 innings. His home debut is all set up for dominance, if he can limit the walks and find his command he’ll be one of the top scorers tonight.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run today to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. Wanna know what the best part is about signing up with us? The free subscription for the rest of the season to our DFSBot, that’s what! For details on the how to, please visit our Razzball Subscriptions page.

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I don’t usually mention pitchers in Coors.  Even rarer still that I mention pitchers filled with Coors.  Most pitchers with Coors are piss-poor.  That’s for every definition of Coors and pitchers.  Now, let’s look at the definition of belch.  To eject gas spasmodically, to eruct.  If erect is good, Coors definitely makes me eruct.  A pitcher that throws gas in Coors usually has spastic eructions.  Talk about slightly off sexy talk.  A phone sex operator should mess with a customer and say, “I want your spastic eruction all over me.”  “Did you just say you want me to belch on you?”  Yesterday, Tyler Anderson went 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, moving his ERA to 3.04.  His peripherals agree, he’s not getting by on smoke and mirrors like some children’s magician.  He has a 7.5 K/9, 2.0 BB/9 and a 3.41 xFIP.  Not an ace, but a safe number two, similar numbers to, say, Kyle Hendricks.  We need to put aside our aversion to Rockies pitchers and throw our hat in the ring for Merry Tyler Coors.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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Sometimes you ask and you shall receive and in that vein, I begin this month’s Razznasty update. Now I know the two questions you’re asking, what did you ask for and receive? And which vein? First, it’s the main vein, you know the one in the middle…. Secondly, I asked our very own Hippo in the bush Matt Truss to make a push in the standings over the course of June so I could name the next update “Can’t Truss It”. Done and done. I told Mr. Truss-ah Truss that I’d dress as Flavor Flav from this video while I wrote it. Truss, that I held up my end of the bargain, picture me decked out in white tuxedo with top hat and Batman glasses. Unfortunately I can’t share with all of you due to a shortage on the correct cartridges for my vintage Polaroid Sun 600. Sorry boys, and whatever number of girls are reading this year. I believe we were up to five, but we might have lost a few after the Jose Canseco interview. There’s nothing that upsets the ladies more than invasive question about Madonna’s early 90’s sperm brokering. Enough of the bollocks, onto the Razznasty update for June. Dynasty League Baseball at it’s finest.

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