Fantasy Baseball Advice

I almost made Tim Lincecum today’s Buy.  His FIP really isn’t bad.  He just always seems to have one bad inning.  His numbers with men in scoring position:  .346/.471/.547 vs. .243/.313/.379 with none on.  But I’m not going to tell you to Buy Lincecum.  I’m not sticking my neck out for him!  He smokes marijuana!  Now, Roy Oswalt I can get lukewarm about!  How’s dem apples?  Mildly delicious!  You do have to think Lincecum can come around though, right?  Forget him!  We’re through talking about him.  We’re talking about that handsome man riding a tractor, wearing $400 overalls.  “Roy, when you chew straw, you ever feel like neighing?”  “Never, Billy.”  That’s Roy talking to Billy, who lives next door from him, and they share a special bond because their bathroom windows face each other from across the yard.  It’s like American Beauty, but less beauty and more horses.  American Black Beauty, that’s what they call it.  But, really, don’t you think Lincecum’s at least worth a roll of the die if you can get him cheap enough?  Forget Lincecum!  We’re not talking about him.  We are talking about Roy Oswalt.  Yeah, he’s about to sign with someone.  I think he can get around a 3.75 ERA, solid WHIP and a 7-ish K-rate, i.e., AKA, vis-à-vis, ergo, henceforth, where’d the rest of this sentence go, a number four fantasy starter.  But what about Lincecum?!  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Elliot Johnson – He’s 28 years old.  I can almost guarantee you his parents named him after the kid in E.T.  While Longoria is on Reese’s, Elliot’s piecing together a solid couple of weeks.  What?  Terrible?

Zack Cozart – I left a special place next to my no-no area just for Cozart.  Glad to have you back, now please hit 4 homers this weekend.  Thank you!

Alexi Amarista – I could’ve put Everth Cabrera here, and, I kinda just did.  Small booya with a side of you’re welcome.

Ernesto Frieri – I went over my Ernesto Frieri fantasy yesterday.  If you look at Frieri from the back, he looks like Anne Burrell.

Tyler Clippard – Here’s what I think happened.  Davey Johnson realized about a month and a half ago he should’ve went with Clippard as his closer as soon as Storen was hurt.  Everyone said it should be Clippard.  On March 23rd, I said, “In all but the shallowest leagues, I’d grab Tyler Clippard, who sounds like a captain in the America’s Cup.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Rather than admitting he goofed, Davey went with Rodriguez long enough so everyone would forget that Clippard was the option everyone said he should go with originally.

James Russell – A)  The Cubs don’t get save chances.  B) Marmol will return and probably shoved back in the role even if he’s hot garbage again.  C) There’s no C.  No foolin’ here, don’t own Russell outside of very deep leagues.

R.A. Dickey – I don’t like knuckleballing, not because I’m worried it’ll make you go blind, but the pitchers don’t always have control over the pitch.  You start a knuckleballer and the wind is wrong and he gives up 4 runs in the 1st inning.  With that said (here’s where I reverse course), Dickey’s pitching about as well as anyone.

Ryan Vogelsong – Have I been playing down Vogelsong by calling him the equivalent of elevator music because of his lack of excitement, while putting his value to sleep?  Look up his ERA and WHIP, now look at the last man on your staff.  Ah, Simon never said to do that.

Felipe Paulino – You know what his name translates to?  Phil Paul, the (Fielding) Independent pitcher of a 2.01, 10+ K-rate and who only 9% of the population is interested in.  No idea why.  So I’m stumped and stumping.

Anthony Bass – I told you to grab him in April, but I don’t know anything, right?  Okay, if you answered in the affirmative and affirmative means what I think it does, then what are you doing reading this?  Killing time in a doctor’s office?  Your PO forcing you to read it?

Felix Doubront – Hey, it’s the guy that wrote Shawshank!  Very cool.  I wonder if Stephen King recruited him.  Probably not, but I still wonder.  I’m a wonderer, a wonderer… Okay, so I trust Doubront as far as I can throw him, but since he’s 165 pounds I can probably shot put him about five feet — I got guns!  In a sea of blech, as the Red Sox should call their staff, Doubront has strung together some solid starts and has a K-rate over 9 and a xFIP of 3.58.  His walks look like they crawled through a river of filth, but I’d give him a chance in mixed leagues.

Anthony Rizzo – I told you to pick him up last week and now he’s at 2% owned.  Hey, we’re the two percenters!

Matt Adams – Did anyone get our title the other day, “Cards Call Up M. Adams, Hopin’ To Get Lucky?”  M. Adams = madams.  Isn’t it fun when I spell shizz out four days later?  That post is still poppin’ fresh like the Doughboy, who Adams looks like, so there’s my Matt Adams fantasy.

Yan Gomes – You know there’s a Gomes out there with the first name Jahnee.  And there’s probably an Ohnny too.  Yanny has nice power, and could hit a trunkload of homers, because all Blue Jays seem capable of that.

Josh Bell - I’m curious to see Josh Bell over the course of a full season, because I think he could strikeout 275 times.  On a related note, who’s the Diamondbacks’ minor league hitting coach, Dave Kingman?  Bell does have an everyday job and some pop.  I grabbed him in one league, FWIWuertz.

Xavier Avery – I told you to pick him up last week.  Don’t make me go back there!

Daniel Nava – In today’s meeting of non-beNava’rs, we will be reading from Christopher Hitchens unpublished manuscript, A-Gon Is Not Great.

SELL

Rafael Furcal – His BABIP over the last few years is .296.  His BABIP this year is .373.  His expected average is .273.  Maybe you’re asking yourself if I do such complex math in my head or on my Casio calculator watch?  Neither, friend.  It’s on our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater.  Also, Furcal breaks down because he has old man legs.  So Will Be Gimpy + Inflated Average = A Toothless B.J. Upton.  Whoa!  That was not what I expected.  It was supposed to add up to Sell.

Edwin Encarnacion – Edwin’s expected average is around what his average is now, so that’s copacetic.  You know what else is copacetic?  The word copacetic.  Has there ever been a word that fit so perfectly it’s meaning.  The cop is on the settee, you crazy Chinookers.  One thing that isn’t copacetic, Edwin Encarnacion.  Do the Blue Jays have a sign on their door that says, “Bring us your unwanted third basemen and we’ll turn them into homer machines?”  Right now, Edwin’s hitting everything in the air and all of it is going out of the park.  Ground out much?  No, no he doesn’t.  Line drive much?  Nopacetic.  At this point, we have to assume 30 homers from him.  He’s got 14 with 117 games to go.  I’m not going to try any math because of what happened in the last blurb, but it looks like you have a guy that has nearly half of his homers already and still a ton of games.  I wouldn’t sell him for an evening with Richard Simmons, but I’d explore options.

Brandon Phillips isn’t the shiniest tool in the toolbox, but he hit two homers off Beachy yesterday.  He’s gone from a 30/30 2nd baseman to a 20/20 2nd baseman to now an 18/15 2nd baseman, but that doesn’t mean you’re completely screwed if you overpaid for him on draft day.  As long as Dusty hits him between Votto and Bruce, good ol’ Brandon should deliver above average R/RBI at a solid average.  He might not be as sexy as an Altuve or a Jemile, but he’ll probably be a better value the rest of the way.  BTW, even if you didn’t own him last night, the best thing about BP wrecking another Beachy was we didn’t have to sit through a celebrity telethon and Sean Penn’s sourpuss.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche! Before we get into the roundup, here’s the latest podcast. We talk about the Nats bullpen, Brandon Beachy and I read a poem I wrote for Gio Gonzalez.   If that’s not enough for you, Rudy references Lil Jon and drops an F-bomb, which isn’t as deadly as an A-Bomb, but nearly as effective.  Anyway II, here’s the roundup and podcast:

Download from iTunes

Download directly the Razzball Podcast.

Zack Cozart – He homered again yesterday for his second in two days because he wants to make it up to me for his early season struggles.  At least that’s what my ventriloquist dummy wearing a Cozart jersey told me.

Mat Latos – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I want everyone to promise me one thing.  If you don’t want to own Latos right now because of his ERA roller coaster ride, write it down somewhere that you won’t read until next March.  So when you see his 3.50 ERA from 2012, you don’t draft him and then want to drop him for the first 6 weeks of next season too.

R.A. Dickey – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks.  When asked in the clubhouse where’d these strikeouts come from, Dickey said he pictured all the batters were his childhood bullies who used to pick on him.  Must’ve been hard for a guy named Dickey who was a knuckleballer.

Frank Francisco – Pitched a perfect inning for his 11th save.  Only during the Closepocalypse could a guy with 11 saves and a 7.13 ERA appear good.

James McDonald – Had another great start (7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks).  E I E I Own!

Kevin Youkilis – The Greek God of Limps has returned, and homered.  Opa!

Adrian Gonzalez – Comatose Red Sox Fan, “A-Gon is in the outfield?  So Ortiz is playing first and it’s interleague play?”  Nope.  “Our pitching is doing well, but we’re trying to squeeze in more offense?”  Nuh-uh.  “Please, tell me we’re at least in first for the Wild Card.”  You might want to sit down for this.  The A-Gonz outfield experiment is lasting beyond interleague as the Sawx are stuck with Middlebrooks and Youuuuuuuk at the corners.  Maybe while in the outfield, A-Gonz can reacquaint himself with the area behind the fences.  Not sure if he’ll play there enough to gain OF-eligibility outside 5 game leagues, but it can’t hurt his value.  Hopefully he can avoid the injury curse that is befalling all the Sawx OFs (Crawford, Ellsbury, McDonald, Ross, Kalish….)

Scott Podsednik – I’m gonna go out on a limb and say if you played any post-collegiate outfield, you could receive a call from the Red Sox.  This includes Matt Stairs’ Steak and Keggers Softball League.

Gavin Floyd – 3 2/3 IP, 9 ER pitching at home against the Twins.  Yowza!  Floyd is generally a safe 5th/6th SP in shallow leagues, but you just ask that he does this against a good opponent so you have a proper heads-up.  Party foul, Gavin.

Gordon Beckham – 3rd HR in 4 games (and Vernon Wells robbed him of a HR the game before that).  Not bad for the most British-sounding 2B since William Randolph.

Travis Wood – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, as he was recalled by the Cubs to take Volstad’s spot in the rotation.  Wood had a 4.57 ERA in Triple-A this year.  That’s depressing, until you think about how fortunate you are that you’re not the Red Sox outfield.

Bryan LaHair – Sat out yesterday because he’s in a 1-for-20 skid.  And here I thought he’d hit .400 this year.  I’m glad I didn’t request MLB to defrost Ted Williams’ head.  On May 11th, when I told you to sell him, he had a .384 average with 8 homers.  He now has 10 homers with a .315 average.  He could be a platoon player by June 15th.

Alfonso Soriano – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer.  At least he’s having the decency to hit so it’s not completely laughable that the Cubs will find someone to take him off their hands.  Kinda laughable, just not completely.

Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer in… Let’s see how many times have I told you to own him in the last week?

Matt Carpenter – Left yesterday’s game with an injury to his side.  Just when you thought the oblique couldn’t get any vaguer, teams are now just calling it an injured side.

Michael Bourn – 2 homers yesterday.  That’s typically a season for him.  Did his 3rd round drafter Matthew Berry erase his memory and Bourn suddenly assumed a power-hitting identity?

Vance Worley – Hopes to pitch again even after visiting Dr. Freeze.  Here’s what frequent commenter, Cahhhhh-stanza, said, “Jo Anne’s son, Vance, went to see Dr. Freeze Monday for a 2nd opinion.  His first opinion?  Your mom’s best acting was on Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In.  His second opinion?  I think a 12-18 month vacation may be in your future.”

Roy Halladay – 6 IP, 5 ER.  I’m officially concerned.  Is this the beginning of the end for him being a number one?  Citizens Flank is obviously not the friendliest of ballparks for pitchers, but that hasn’t changed from the last two years.  Luckily, you didn’t draft him and just went with Anibal and Gio to anchor your staff like I told you.

P.J. Walters – The ex-Cardinal had a complete game victory vs. the White Sox – giving up 2 ER and 8 Ks.  That’s 3-for-3 in quality starts so far.  His minor league stats don’t hint at this being his breakout season, but maybe PJ’s turning into a sleeper.

Robinson Cano – 1-for-3 with his 5th homer.  Still off the 8 homer, Ian Desmond pace car.

Josh Bell – 1-for-4 with a homer.  He was hitting the feathers out of the chicken (that’s a saying) in Triple-A.  He was also striking out more than a beagle in heat (also, a saying).  I wouldn’t want him for the long term, but he has everyday playing time and might stay hotter than a camel riding a furnace (not a saying).

J.J. Putz – 3rd blown save last night with 1 IP, 2 ER.  Dickey and Putz’s fortunes seem to be going in opposite directions like Siamese twins connected at the back.  After Putz lived up to his name last night, it might be wise for his owners to handcuff themselves to David Hernandez.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners (6 BBs), 2 Ks.  Six walks and two Ks?  Did Francisco Liriano’s doctor do some ‘minor’ surgery on Ubaldo?

Tyler Clippard – Davey Johnson reached into his bag of relievers and pulled out Clippard to save the game against the Phillies.  Nice 1-2-3 inning.  Now get back in the bag, Tyler, before Davey Boy goes all bulldog on ya.  BB-Rod is safe to drop for Craig “The Pistol” Stammen, Sean Burnett or Tyler Clippard.  If I were picking them up, I’d do it in reverse order.  Unless you’re reading this in a mirror.  .tops dlab eht eciton neve t’nac ,doog skool riah ruoY

Ryan Zimmerman – Sat out yesterday with shoulder soreness.  I’m hoping it’s a coverup because Jordan Zimmermann pitched and they only have one jersey.

Alex Avila – Hit his 5th homer yesterday.  If someone grew bored of the .220-ish hitting Avila, he’s a decent guy to grab off waivers.  No reason to think he can’t get back to respectable.  That sounds like a title of an R&B album, Get Back To Respectable.  A soulful journey as one woman gets back on her feet after a terrible breakup, as sung by Grey Albright.

C.J. Wilson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (1 Hit), 7 Ks.  Of course, if you read any other site, the lead story is Pujols hit a home run.  Then twenty minutes of Bruce Harper, then what does Pujols think of Bryce Harper.

Elliot Johnson – 3-for-4 with his 8th steal.  Kinda annoyed I missed out on him in the RCL, but I got Cozart homering now.  Small booya.

Carlos Pena – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer as he hit leadoff.  …HA!  Sorry, tried to keep a straight face there.  The Rays are so good, Maddon can’t even Mr. Bungle them.  Luke Scott also homered.  As we know from past experiences, Scott and Pena only homer 5 times in a ten day span, never once.

Hanley Ramirez – 3-for-5 with 2 steals.  Now him and Reyes are red hot.  Or is that red-orange?

Brian Matusz – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks against the Sawx.  Tip of the hat for the huge nutsacked owners who started him in this matchup.  That includes those whose nutsacks are enlarged due to a medical condition and who happened to have Matusz in their starting rotation before going to the hospital.

Wilson Betemit – 1-for-3 with his 7th homer.  Sure, I should’ve went with Betemit over Ryan Zimmerman, but a lot of good that’s doing me now!

Adam Wainwright – 4 hit shutout against the Padres with 9 Ks.  We told everyone who listened to last week’s podcast to buy him as it only seemed like a matter of time before he Wainwrighted the ship.  We have one word for how that must’ve tasted…

Yan Gomes – The Brazilian whacks another one!  Just an FYI to those of you who are getting sick of LaHair in that slot.

This is the part of this story that is supposed to grab the reader.  I don’t believe in all the handy hullabaloo.  I will be too worried about doing it in a fashion that is in the form of an inverted W and having other people critique it and say I am an injury risk going forward.  That stuff just isn’t for me.  So we are at the quarter post of the season already, fast right?  So this week we have a good gaggle of guys that will bring your fantasy baseball roster some prosperity.  Personally, I am tempering expectations and want to be whelmed not under/overwhelmed.  Because I don’t think I can handle all the burden of being over/under-anything.  Seems like a much ado about nothing to me.  Holy tangent, sorry.   Well, enjoy the week to come and happy rostering.  Catch you all on the flip, and by flip,  I mean next Saturday.  (Please keep in mind that pitchers and matchups change.)

ONE START OPTIONS:

5/22

J.A.Happ vs CHC – Wood

Felix Doubront @ Bal – Matusz

5/23

Andy Pettitte @ KC – Mendoza

5/24

Randall Delgad0 @ Cin – Bailey

Joe Blanton @ STL – Westbrook

5/25

Anthony Bass @ NYM vs Gee

5/26

Wei-Yin Chen vs KC- Mazzaro

Paul Maholm vs Pit – Correia

TWO START OPTIONS:

Rick Porcello (@Cle vs Jiminez, @Min vs Blackburn) Why is that all the Jersey guys get bums raps?  Oh, I remember now, because all we see is guys on reality show acting a fool and all their professions all seem to be “party hosts.”

Clayton Richard (@STL vs Garcia, @NYM vs Santana) It is Hodgepadre on opposite day.

Patrick Corbin (LAD vs Capuano, Mil vs Wolf) Please keep this spot in the rotation warm.  It will be greatly appreciated.  Thanks.  Signed Skaggs and Bauer.

Tommy Hunter (Bos vs Buchholz, KC vs Paulino) He takes the prize or cake or whatever free stuff they offer with expressions these days for being the guy least owned.  This week’s “Click and Pray” pick o’ the week.

Mike Leake (@Atl vs Minor, Col vs Guthrie) Last start was better, not great but a step in the right direction.  Just don’t stand downwind of him when he pitches. On a positive note, it can’t really get much worse…Can it?

Jerome Williams (@Oak vs Milone, @Sea vs Hernandez) On the road, throwing pitches, from mound-on tops. Yeah, you will now never look at Jerome ever again and not pronounce it Jer-O-Me.  So you’re welcome for that, secret handshake comes later.

Kyle Drabek (TB vs Hellickson, @Tex vs Darvish) You know you have been playing fantasy too long when you call him Doug every time you see him.  Funny, I call E5, Porkchop and he stares at me with disgust.

Kyle Kendrick (Was vs Gonzalez, @STL vs Garcia) I will have a banner at the game.  It will say ‘Go Kyle Kendrick’ and then will add the letter K for every strikeout he gets during the game to the end of his name.  Hoping it’s not 2, because all of sudden 3 K’s isn’t a crowd, it became an affiliation.

Felipe Paulino (NYY vs Kuroda, @Bal vs Hunter) We come for the K’s and hope you don’t take a Mike Leake on our peripherals.  A win would be nice too, but I will take the 12 plus K’s this week and worry about that ERA thingy elsewhere.

R.A. Dickey (@Pit vs McDonald, SD vs Volquez) Rahhhhh, or that’s what I am calling him from now on.  It’s more fun that just saying R and A.  No word back yet from Busta Rhymes’s agent about a cross promotional thing.

Erik Bedard (NYM vs Santana, CHC vs Garza) He is due for a DL stint, I mean he has to eventually.  I will now go to church and count some rosaries for me wishing injury on someone.

Another week in the books, my fellow pretend baseball heads.  The chase for wins continues this week with a stellar group of entries comprised of 9 guys whose combined career starts don’t even equal the other person’s.  I can’t even remember what I was doing in 1986 when Jamie Moyer started his first game. Oh… I remember now it was called being a kid and getting dirty and stealing cars.   Stuff we all did and never got caught for, boys being boys type stuff.  It is kind of weird to imagine the same player being in the fantasy pool from my year one start into fantasy in 1989, til this year.  Crazy stuff.  He needs to get out of that pool ‘cuz he is going to be all wrinkly.  Even if you hate the Rockies, you have to root for Jamie a little, just don’t do it too loud; he frightens easily.  So enjoy the week to come and happy fantasy scavenging.  (Pitchers and matchups change so please be aware.)

One Start Streamers :

4/25

Kyle Drabek @Bal – Hammel

Luke Hochevar @Cle – Tomlin

Barry Zito @Cin – Arroyo

4/26

Philip Humber vs Bos – Doubront

Rick Porcello vs Sea – Noesi

4/27

Danny Duffy @MIN – Pavano

Jake Westbrook @Mil – TBD

4/28

Randall Delgado vs Pit – Bedard

Two Star Options:

Jamie Moyer (@Pit vs McDonald, NYM vs Dickey) – Moyer will be in Pittsburgh and Denver this week throwing a baseball unfast.  I hope he doesn’t wear out his feet peddling his car to the games, he needs his strength.

Lucas Harrell (@Mil vs Greinke, @Cin vs Latos) – I personally think it’s great that the ‘Stros are giving the kid from ET a chance.  No word on if they gave his bike with a basket a job in the transportation department.

Bartolo Colon (CHW vs Peavy, @Bal vs Hunter) – 15 straight scoreless innings, and he threw 38 consecutive strikes in his start on Wednesday.  That to me is crazy.  I can’t do anything 38 times in a row with out the help of visual aides. This is the only piece of actual stat in this article, so you’re welcome.

Henderson Alvarez (@Bal vs Hunter, Sea vs Vargas) – Remember 2 weeks ago when I said it would be his only appearance on this weekly format. Well, the gist of it is I lied, because people still don’t have this guy rostered enough so your stuck listening about him.

Chris Capuano (ATL vs Jurrjens, WAS vs Zimmermann) – Oooh, 2 starts at home, I still think I would take Paul Lynde to block.  We come for the K’s and stay for the apuano.  Oh wait,  damn you phonetics. Somewhere in heaven, Charles Nelson Reilly is jealous of Paul Lynde being mentioned.

Bruce Chen (Tor vs Morrow, @Min vs Liriano) – To me Bruce Chen is like the guy who still buys Zima at the liquor store.  You see it as being available in the store, but wonder who ever buys it.  Now you know, but you really shouldn’t.

Jason Marquis (Bos vs Lester, KC vs Sanchez) – I ran into Marquis at the Wawa ordering a quesadilla after his start against the Yankees and asked about his 2 start week.  He said, “You know me as the b-i-z-m-a-r-q-u-i-s,  I go for what I know doin’ a show for human beings, I’m guaranteed to roc,k I make the ladies scream and shout.” “Nobody beats the bizzzz.”  Floored, he autographed my 6″ sub in oil and vinegar.

R.A. Dickey (Mia vs Buerhle, @COL vs Moyer) – A knuckleballing New York guy named Dickey, I thought Rudy did away with all that type of riff-raff.  If he can keep the ball in the park he will be successful.  That dynamite piece of advice brought to you by obviousness and wig-wam socks.

Clayton Richard (Was vs Zimmermann, @SF vs Cain) – My first rule of fantasy streaming is don’t trust a guy with 2 first names. Second rule is always check for an Adam’s apples. Cuz, you never can tell with the advancements in modern medicine. Wait, are we still talking about streaming pitchers?

Jason Vargas (@Det vs Scherzer, @Tor vs Alvarez) – The Hawk and Animal special of the week. This guy is pitching better than I think anyone is giving him credit for. Yeah, he’s a Marginer and is away from home this week, but I say fiddle faddle.   Trends come and go, that’s why I am still hanging onto my Jordache jeans.

I watched Mat Latos yesterday.   Now I want an eye transplant with someone that watched Jamie Moyer pitch (not when he was first called up because that eye transplant would have cataracts).  I wish I could pinpoint what the problem is with Latos, besides looking terrible.  He was hitting 95 MPH on the maybe-a-tad-Reds-friendly radar gun for three straight pitches to Beltran.  Unfortunately, he threw all three friggin’ pitches in the exact same spot, so, of course, Beltran turned on one.  Then he made the next hitter, Holliday, look terrible with offspeed stuff.  Like a bachelorette order form, is there somewhere I can check for him to mix in the junk?  Does Mesoraco only have one finger on his pitch-calling hand?  Is Latos giving up early runs so Dusty can’t throw him into the 11th inning?  How do you even give up 5 earned runs in the first two innings on only 6 baserunners?  Is that even mathematically possible with only one two-run homer?  Why are you making me wrack my brain?  And why are you giving up a two out triples to the opposing pitcher?!  Latos gets the Giants next.  If he can’t make them look like a team that has only three hitters, and one of which they bench, then Latos is going to my bench for the foreseeable future.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Krispie Young – The MRI revealed a ligament tear and who wins this year’s Biggest Loser.  Damn you, MRI, and your spoilers!  Krispie’s headed to the 15-day DL and the Diamondbacks say he should be fine after a couple of weeks of rest.  With a ligament tear in his shoulder?  Sounds like they have a ligament tear in their silver lining.  This sounds like something that won’t only sideline Krispie for longer than 15 days but also leave him at less than 100% for the rest of the season until an offseason of rest.  It’s pretty terrible news.  Rico Suave should see the majority of the time in the outfield while Krispie gets himself right.  Parra’s pretty yawnstipating from a fantasy perspective for mixed leagues.  In NL-Only leagues, he should get you some counting stats.   (Wanna hear something that says so much?  I added yawnstipating to my computer dictionary.  It’s right there in my virtual dictionary next to dork.)

Justin Upton – Where is thumbkin?  Back from the MRI to say Upton needs a few days of rest with a bone bruise on his thumb.  He did get into yesterday’s game as a pinch runner.  Would be just wonderful if he had to slide head first.  Hope Kirk Gibson didn’t slo-mo arm pump that in-game move.

A.J. Pollock – 0-for-3 with a caught stealing.  How many players does it take to fill-in Krispie’s roster spot?  One Pollock.  He has good speed (36 SBs last year in the minors), but it’s not clear how much he’ll actually play.  Might just be a bat for a few days until Justin’s thumb stops being Upton no good.

Brett Gardner – To the DL with a strained elbow.  Huh?  What’s he running on his hands like Encino Man?  You don’t need an elbow to bunt and run.  Put your elbow in a sling and call it macaroni!  This kills my RCL team (well, Krispie’s loss kinda hurt that too), but how is there only one DL spot in the RCLs?  What were we thinking?  Guys (and 4 girls), talk some sense into me Charlotte sometimes, would cha please?

Hiroki Kuroda – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Starts like these in The House They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built is the reason why I told people to not draft him.

Lance Berkman – Puma reaggravated his calf injury and might hit the DL.  Coincidentally, my Cougar’s out for a day or two with shingles.

Carlos Beltran – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs.  That’s 5 homers and 3 steals.  Maybe he’s this year’s old player who comes out of nowhere and has a renaissance year.  How do we not have a term for this in the glossary?  Please suggest in the comments.  Thank you.

Brad Lidge – Davey Johnson revealed that Lidge suffers from vertigo.  Still waiting for Davey to choose a closer, or more accurately, to explain The Trouble With Henry.

Ivan Rodriguez – Announced his retirement.  Let’s remember the days when his nickname Pudge wasn’t ironic due to the banning of illegal substances that caused him to lose all muscle mass.  Pour some andro out for him.

Cliff Lee – 10 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I feel like a ten inning game is more rare than a no hitter. (I probably could find out if that was true at the ol’ Google.)  Through 10 innings, he threw 102 pitches and 81 of those were strikes.  Let’s just say, The Adverb was more than suffixient.

Bartolo Colon – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Lincecum who?

Matt Cain – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Bartolo Colon who?

Brian Wilson – Undergoing Tommy John surgery today.  They’re still evaluating whether they hairnet his beard or if they have to shave it.  If they shave it, the surgery is due to end on Sunday and the homeless family of Lilliputians will need to be relocated.

Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Walks really got him in this game…and the hits…and the runs…and the lack of Ks.

Mark Buehrle – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Of course he pitched a gem.  Why wouldn’t he?!  Why would I want this kind of start from Latos?!  I must be crazy!  Yeah, still a little annoyed at Latos.  And another thing, if Latos didn’t seem so detestable of a personality, I might be able to let it go!

Joel Hanrahan – Tweaked his Hanrahammy.  Should be good to go by the weekend.  In his place…

Juan Cruz – Guess who has more saves than Jordan Walden and Heath Bell combined?  I grabbed Cruz in one league, then dropped him when I had to fill in for Gardner.  Cruz may not see another save all year.  If you’re very desperate, then specloselate.  (On a related note, I thought of what we can call a top closer’s set-up man, a side salad.)

Grady Sizemore – Cleared for baseball activities.  He’ll probably pull his groin scratching himself.  I’m only half-punning.

Juan Francisco – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  The Braves are committed to Glass Chipper like Aguilera should be committed for eliminating Jesse Campbell, but Francisco’s a good name to watch in deep leagues in case he can get more playing time.

Jair Jurrjens – 4 IP, 4 ER.  Can the editor who recut Star Wars take Jar-Jar out of the Braves rotation too?

Dan Uggla – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with his first homer.  Still wanna sell him for Skip Schumaker and a bag of Fritos?

Luke Scott – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  Member I said last week to pick him up?  Yeah, nothing’s changed yet.

Matt Joyce – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 2nd game in a row with a homer.  If he’s gonna hit, it will be in the first half.  It’s Joyce to wit.

Justin Morneau – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs with his 3rd and 4th homers.  Only cussword his fantasy owners are hearing this year is refocused.

Matt Capps – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  Could he save a game without giving up a run?  Just a question.

Kevin Youkilis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs with his first homer.  Youuuuuuuk, speaking through his agent, said, “Tell Valentine there’s his motivation.  And Sugarhill Gang invented the rap.  So there!”

Lucas Harrell – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Anyone with a rotation spot, you own in NL- or AL-Only leagues, so I grabbed Harrell in an NL-Only league.  Never looked at his stats.  Just grabbed him.  Then he pitched well yesterday for the second time in three starts and I was like, “Hey, this guy’s awesome!  I wanna see his minor league stats.”  So I Googled his name to see his minor league stats, and Googled asked me, “Are you sure you want to see his minor league stats?”  Yes, Google!  Give ‘em to me!  “Oh.”  That was my reaction after seeing his stats.  Um, yeah, I wouldn’t touch him in mixed leagues.

Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-4 with his first homer.  He’s alive!  I think.

Omar Infante – Out until Friday with a groin strain.  It happened when he was running away from Hanley carrying a bottle of hair dye.

Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer.  He’s batting .074 on the year.  To get results from Alvarez, the Pirates threatened him with a demotion to Triple-A or worse a trade to the Orioles.

Jake Peavy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Yes, you should own him.  No, I’m not joking.

A.J. Pierzynski – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  When I say hot, you say schmotato.

Doug Fister – Felt renewed discomfort in his abdomen.  For Fister owners, that’s a punch to the gut.

Prince Fielder – 2-f0r-4, 2 RBIs and a steal as Major League Baseball tried to increase offense by moving 2nd base five feet from 1st.

Chase Headley – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and TWO HOMERS?  He had two homers the entire 1st half last year, and two homers the entire 2nd half for four (stutterer!) total.

Michael Cuddyer – Homered then left Wednesday’s game with a bruised toe.  If Cuddyer needs to miss time, guess who gets some time?  No, not Eric Young Jr.  Tyler Colvin.  Could be some pop there.  Keep your eyes peeled in deep leagues.

Juan Nicasio – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Eh, I’ve seen better starts.  Buehrle, for instance, that was better, but I’d continue to roll with Nicasio in most leagues.

Derek Holland – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Kinda wish I had Holland instead of Latos right now.  Okay, I’ll let it go.

Kirk Nieuwenhuis – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI and a steal.  I’ve seen some people in the comments ask if they should pick up Kirk.  Don’t cheat, Razzballers.  Ask if you should pick up Nieuwenhuis.  If I gotta spell that shizz, so do you.  And, yeah, you should pick him up.  Kinda like how I’ve been saying that in the last two weeks of Buys.  Yesterday, he hit leadoff.  That probably won’t hold, but Bay’s name is short for Sickbay, as in he hasn’t been good in years, and Duda hasn’t had much zippity, doo or dah recently.

R.A. Dickey – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  More like U.R.A. Dickey.