Fantasy Baseball Advice

Some of you who find this post through Google may be disappointed to know the title does not refer to gay porn or grabbing bats in the non-gay way, but in the vampire way. Sorry, you shouldn’t be trying to grab bats anyway — in the the vampire way. As for the other way, I’ll relay a quick story. I was in the bathroom at the Hard Rock Casino in Vegas and guess who’s peeing next to me, Randy Johnson. I was so pumped (bad choice of words, but this whole story is ill-advised) I immediately blurted out, “Hey, it’s The Big Unit!” And that’s that story. Okay, so circumstances out of my control made it impossible for me to do a Buy/Sell last week. Well, excuuuuuse me. So this week we’re doing a Buy/Sell for fantasy baseball hitters today, then fantasy baseball pitchers tomorrow. This is when you get excited. I can’t hear you. Okay, better. In just about every league, it’s close to your trading deadline, if not past it. So I’m digging in my heels to try and uncover some gems. Anyway, here’s some fantasy baseball hitters to Buy and Sell:

BUY

Dioner Navarro – Hit two home runs this week. He hit 6 of 8 HRs last year in August and September. If you’ve held him this long, now is not the time to drop him.

Emilio Bonifacio – Last name pronounced: cheep stëlz.

Brandon Moss – A rolling stone gathers no moss… Ordinarily. But what if that rolling stone played fantasy baseball? Don’t think about that too long, it’ll cross your streams. Like Randy and I.

Wladimir Balentien/ Jeff Clement – Neither is worth the virtual paper I’m writing this on, but Vidro’s dumping opens up a DH slot. If you’re in a deep league, react accordingly.

Fernando Tatis – Not sure how many remember this, but Tatis was bonafide back in ’99, slugging 34 HRs. He dropped a bit in ’00 but it was due to injuries, then this kid by the name of Pujols stepped in and suddenly I sound like Vin Scully. Tatis has value if he’s healthy and hitting. Right now, both are true.

Bobby Crosby – I hate him more than you. I do. Try me. Fine, if you have to have your way, you hate him more.  He’s still been hot recently. Just know, caveat craptor.

Chipper Jones – I know, he should be a sell, but hear me out. This DL trip threw a monkey wrench into his owners’ plans and they learned to live without him. It also served as a reminder that Chipper can’t be trusted. So his owners have filled in for him and they’re mighty annoyed with him, so they’re zigging. Now what do you do? Zog? That’s not even a word! You zag! Holy heffin’ hey, pay attention!

Victor Martinez – Also, he could easily be on the Sell list, but I’m digging for diamonds in the rough here. He could go .350 with 5 HRs in the final 6 weeks. It’s not quite butter, but it’s not I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter either.

Casey Blake – Casey’s a girl’s name or an Affleck name, but don’t let that stop you. Blake used to be a favorite of mine in ten team mixed leagues. Ask Rudy. If I didn’t have Blalock or Kotchman, I had Blake.I don’t currently have him in any league, but that’s not to say I wouldn’t.

Alex Gordon – What are you listening to right now? “Stop Already With Alex Gordon” by The You? Ah, good song. But Gordon’s been hot recently and he hit well late last year. What, you can’t hear me because you’re still listening to “Stop Already With Alex Gordon” by The You? All right, I get it.

SELL

David Ortiz – As the Spanish might say, I got Papi issues. On July 18th, I told you to trade away David Ortiz. One thing has changed since then, his wrist now sounds like a Wu-Tang song.

Josh Willingham - Thought he was rounding the corner into Productive Outfieldville. Maybe he lost his Mapquest printout.

Jeff Keppinger – Not sure what happened to Keppinger after the injury, but he’s not even playing up to his nickname, Blanco Polanco.

Albert Pujols – Chillax, I’m not saying to sell him for three stale, powdered donuts and a Hogan’s Family Season 1 DVD. But let’s be clear, he’s hitting about 35 HRs this year. He’s at 23. He’s not going to get much above 100 RBIs or runs. He’s near 70 for both. The last time he hit more than 10 HRs in a month after the All-Star Break was in 2004, with 12 in August. And he’s an injury risk. Is he the best pure batsman in the major leagues? Perhaps, but he’s not currently near the best fantasy baseball player. I sold Pujols for Sizemore in one league. Since the trade, Sizemore 24/10/24/.289/10 — Pujols 27/7/31/.360/4.  And this is after Pujols hit two HRs in the last two games. Cust kayin’.

Randy Winn – Currently hot. So why sell? Next to the definition of schmohawk is Winn rubbing lotion on his ashy knees. He’s got one HR since June. He’s owned in 85% of ESPN leagues. Though I’m assuming 98% of their leagues are abandoned within the first week of the season. So there’s that.

Milton Bradley – You guys had a good run together. Much more valuable than either of you deserved. So what now? Dump and run? He’s only had more than 377 at-bats once in his career. He’s at 306. You got so much value from him, why are you moaning and shizz? What, you want more? Pick up someone else. You want Bradley? Eh, you’re impossible.

Things change in fantasy baseball. Daily. I could put Hanley Ramirez number one on the top 100 list for the second half of 2008 and he could get injured tomorrow. Or Alex Rodriguez could announce he’s skipping out on all August games to join Madonna on tour for the remake of the Madonna: Truth or Dare movie with Arod playing the part of Warren Beatty. This list may not be relevant two weeks for now. Or it may be completely correct in two months and you’ll want to join the Church of Grey. There’s no membership fees. Sin all you want. Just don’t trade for Ryan Zimmerman. This list is NOT (Caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) where I see guys ending up if you were to take the first half and combine it with the 2nd half of their season. This is simply a list of the top hundred fantasy baseball players if you were to pick them up on the first day of the 2nd half. So while Kouzmanoff did not have a solid first half, he will appear on this list because I like him more for the 2nd half. Anyway, here’s the top 100 for fantasy baseball for the 2nd half. (Also, download Rudy Gamble’s 2nd half fantasy baseball projections for 2008.)

1. Alex Rodriguez – I’d trade my left nut for Arod. In fact, to prove a point, I just did. Are you happy? I’m one-nutted now. You’re welcome.
2. Hanley Ramirez – And there goes my right nut. Now I’m a woman.
3. Jose Reyes – To answer the Bee Gees, my love goes deep, especially for Reyes. He’s on pace for 135/18/70/.300/60. I think he exceeds those steals numbers, which means he does better in the 2nd half.
4. Chase Utley – My only regret this season is not having him on one team. I thought he should go 7th in the beginning of the year and I just never had the right pick.
5. David Wright – His average usually picks up in the 2nd half and he fills every category.
6. Matt Holliday – Think he can chip in ten steals while hitting twenty home runs in the 2nd half. Oh, and a .330 average.
7. Albert Pujols – I’m starting to feel like he’s overrated. .340/17/45 is solid for the 2nd half, but he’s that much better than Teixiera?
8. Lance Berkman – I think he slows down a bit as the season wears on and when he realizes he’s doing it all for nothing. Making the season count out of nothing at all…
9. Johan Santana – No reason why he can’t win 12 games in the second half, even though he only won 8 in the first. Recognize!
10. Ryan Braun – 17/10 in the 2nd half as the Hebrew Hammer does work at the plate on every day but Yom Kippur (<—-forced!).
11. Ryan Howard – Gets to 50/150. You take that with a .250 average and you like it.
12. Prince Fielder – Hey, why do my Tofutti Cuties taste like hamburger? *Yost smiles devilishly*
13. Miguel Cabrera – As I have said before, he’ll have the same numbers at the end of the year he always has.
14. Mark Teixeira – PABST, Post-All-Star Break Stud Teixeira.
15. Grady Sizemore – 15/15/.270 Tastes like Rollins with more power.
16. Jimmy Rollins – Tastes like Sizemore with more steals.
17. Josh Hamilton – First one I don’t feel completely comfortable with, but after his first half I couldn’t drop him any further.
18. Carl Crawford – Strong 2nd half last year. A force in steals, runs and average.
19. Jake Peavy – If the DL-stint this year didn’t worry me, he’d be sitting in first class with Santana.
20. Brandon Webb – His 2nd half last year was insane. I wouldn’t bank on any player to be the same this year as they were last year. It’s not how things work, but I still think he can be excellent.
21. Carlos Lee – Lisa Gray, who’s funny for a broad, calls him Clank Lee. (A funny girl who knows baseball? You schmohawks should be combing your hair just reading that.)
22. Ichiro Suzuki – I don’t know why I can’t get behind Ichiro. I love sushi. Love! I once dated a Japanese girl, which turned out miserably, but other than my current girlfriend, they all end badly, right? I mean, at some point in every relationship you gotta say, “The sound of your breathing irritates me. Let’s breakup.”
23. Ian Kinsler – He can actually build on his 1st half power, but his average will probably come down.
24. Nick Markakis – On the last day of the season, when Markakis reaches 110/30/110/.315/20, there will be a party at my house called, “My Girlfriend Gets Me Back On The Final Day Of The Season If I Still Have A Girlfriend By Then” Party. Hopefully she gets us a stripper.
25. Brandon Phillips – Every single time I rank him, I always want to drop him further, except if I’m ranking overrated players. For some reason, Phillips always makes me feel like this reporter.
26. CC Sabathia – I almost moved him above Peavy, that’s how much I like him in the 2nd half.
27. Vladimir Guerrero – Almost 40 points below his career average, I think he gets much closer to it, which would make for a very hot 2nd half.
28. Carlos Beltran – My placement of so many Mets in the top 30 shows I obviously think they’re going to continue their winning ways. I’m not exactly a fan of Willie Randolph, but it’s a shame that Manual will get credit for the Mets’ resurgence. They are just playing how they should’ve been the whole time, which, in this case, is very good.
29. Aramis Ramirez - I’m still a fan even though I feel like the first half of the year he was giving his owners a dutch pantry. (The first entry, of course. BTW, why is Dutch an adjective that equals kinky shizz dealing with farts? Or you “can go Dutch?” Which is splitting a check. Don’t try and figure this out. You’ll just waste precious man hours.)
30. Justin Morneau – I just went over why I like Morneau.
31. Garrett Atkins – The last two seasons’ second halves have been tremendous. I kinda wanted to push him into the top 30, but his HRs just haven’t been high enough.
32. Chipper Jones – What’s left on the Braves’s season? 67 games. Chipper makes a run at 40 of them, but not a run at .400.
33. Derrek Lee – Mostly a yawn after April. Swapping him for Howard would’ve been the move. But you didn’t do that, did you?
34. B.J. Upton – And, unlike Brandon Phillips, I always wanna move Upton, um, up. Maybe because his initials are BJ. I gotta call my shrink and tell her I’m making progress!
35. Nate McLouth – Tastes like Sizemore but much riskier.
36. Alfonso Soriano – I hope this is the year of the Cubs just so I don’t have to hear how this is the year for the Cubs every year. BTW, Soriano is this low because he has an injured hand. I wouldn’t want to mortgage the farm on a hitter with an injured hand. But he has shown great resiliency in the past so he could be a bargain.
37. Robinson Cano – I’m drunk on my love for Cano. Leave me alone.
38. Adrian Gonzalez – I don’t think he gets above 35 HRs. He’s at 22 HRs. You do the math!
39. Jacoby Ellsbury – 5/30 with a kagillion runs is great. Hopefully his average doesn’t continue to dip.
40. Corey Hart – Just a bit off of Sizemore in terms of production and “getting ladies,” which I guess could be consider production, as well.
41. Josh Beckett – Only a few pitchers moved up in the top 100 from where they appeared in the March top 100.
42. Curtis Granderson – He’s one of the few players that I disliked in March that I actually like more now. Primarily because of his ’07 post-All-Star Break numbers.
43. Cole Hamels – Few pitchers give you 8 Ks even when they have an off game.
44. Bobby Abreu – 10/10 with a chance for a pile of runs and RBIs.
45. Matt Kemp – Power has come on, his Ks are a bit worrisome, but I’m finally buying.
46. Carlos Pena – For those looking for someone who can hit 20 HRs in the 2nd half. Here’s one. I actually like Pena more now than in the beginning of the season. Partly because he can’t have a much worse half than his 1st.
47. Adam Dunn – Here’s another post-All-Star Break twenty home run possibility.
48. Manny Ramirez – The season is long and Manny’s attention span is short. This is the time of year I don’t want Manny.
49. Dan Uggla – If he only hits 10 HRs in the 2nd half with a .240 average, you’ll wish you had Yunel.
50. Roy Halladay – Halladay looks like he’s everything he used to be, but hadn’t been for the past two years. If that makes sense.
51. Jason Bay – I wanted to drop him even further, but when someone’s on pace for 36/10 with respectable peripherals you just can’t do it.
52. Torii Hunter – He’s one hot streak away from a 17/10 2nd half.
53. Carlos Zambrano – One of the few pitchers that’s at even odds for ten wins after the Break.
54. Brian Roberts – Bad three year Post-All-Star Break average and he slows down in the 2nd half.
55. Magglio Ordonez – I don’t feel good about his placement in the rankings because of the injury, but he should be back right after the All-Star Break.
56. Carlos Quentin – I’m worried the average keeps falling, that’s why he’s ranked this low. If you, ya know, were wondering.
57. Michael Young – Two shots of solid, one shot of steady and absolutely no excitement.
58. Shane Victorino – I feel like The Flying Hawaiian is not getting his due. His pace 110/9/55/.280/40. To think some people dropped him in the beginning of the season. Or traded him to Rudy for Matt Capps.
59. John Lackey – Yes, I’m a fetishist for NL pitchers, but I likey Lackey. The problem is the injury in the beginning of the year and his last two starts.
60. Dan Haren – His 2nd half troubles last year are well-documented, I won’t tack on more of the same.
61. Pat Burrell – One of the few players who I would double their stats to this point and say that’s close to what you’re going to get on the season.
62. Brian McCann – Putting up Victor Martinez numbers while V-Mart puts up Jason Kendall numbers. Weird!
63. Geovany Soto – For the search term “Geovany,” this guy used to be on the first page of Google. Nice hat!
64. Justin Verlander – As we said the other day, “Since June 1, 8 starts, 5 Wins, 55 IP, 52 Ks, ERA/WHIP in the 2.70/1.10 area.” And that’s me quoting us!
65. Joe Nathan – Current number one closer in my book. But my book is titled, “I’d Never Draft A Number One Closer.”
66. Jonathan Papelbon – Should be trading these closers sooner rather than later, if you have holes elsewhere.
67. Francisco Rodriguez - Just because he closed 38 games in the 1st half doesn’t mean he reaches 55.
68. Mariano Rivera – And the closer run ends.
69. Tim Lincecum – Innings will begin to pileup and the Giants (if they have any sense in their collective heads) will limit Lincecum in the 2nd half.
70. Kevin Kouzmanoff – So far he’s hit .293 in July. Last year in the 2nd half, he hit .317 with 11 HRs. Maybe this is his thing.
71. Brad Lidge – His Ks can actually make a difference.
72. Chone Figgins – There’s very few players on this list that can impact one category like a healthy Figgins.
73. Derek Jeter – If Jeter starts dating Arod’s ex-wife, I’ll draft him in the first round next year, until that time…
74. Ervin Santana – A decent bet to get to 20 wins and possibly 200 Ks. He’s only ranked this low because he’s never done any of this before.
75. Adrian Beltre – In past years, even when he wasn’t good in the 1st half, he’s been solid in the 2nd half.
76. Mike Jacobs – See no reason why he can’t go .260/15/40 which could be better than Adrian Gonzalez. Cust kayin’.
77. Evan Longoria – Hey, Alex Gordon, this is how you don’t let people down.
78. Chris B. Young – I tried to do these rankings for the most part without looking at my top 100 from March. But I peeked in at where I ranked Krispie. In the 90s. So not only did Krispie have an awful 1st half, but he jumped 12 spots up. He’s failing upwards! Well, this is another sign that these rankings are really trying to look forward instead of look back. I don’t like a lot about Krispie, but his splits last year leaned towards the 2nd half of the year and really all we care about is the 2nd half.
79. Alexis Rios – I hope he finishes strong just so I can stop the hate mail over the winter.
80. Troy Tulowitzki – There’s really nothing that points to Tulo being placed this high. He started off miserably, got hurt, came back with limited results then hurt himself again. So why is he ranked here for the 2nd half? Because if I had to choose between Carlos Guillen and a healthy Tulo, I’d try my hand at Tulo.
81. Carlos Guillen – I’m not a huge fan of Guillen to begin with and his 2nd half last season wasn’t good.
82. Jhonny Peralta – Second to only Hanley and Michael Young for shortstop HRs and RBIs respectively.
83. Chad Billingsley – I believesley.
84. Ben Sheets – I kinda wanted to drop him off the list because of injury history and last year’s 2nd half.
85. Russell Martin – I suppose a catcher going 7/7 excites some.
86. David Ortiz – Papi will hold his best for the playoffs and the Sox will be fine with it.
87. Milton Bradley – It’s just a matter of keeping the injuries in check. The talent was always there.
88. James Shields – Notice who he’s ranked just in front of. The significance is deafening.
89. Scott Kazmir – I put him right after Shields to magnify who I like better. Shields. Dur.
90. Jason Giambi – Stumbled a bit into the All-Star Break, but he can have a ten home run month and pile on the RBIs
91. Paul Konerko – Three year post-All-Star Break average is 16/44/.297.
92. Jeff Francoeur – What, you can root for Hamilton to turn his life around, but you can’t root for Frenchy to turn around his season?
93. Alex Gordon – If he can turn it on this 2nd half like he did last year, he’s worth this spot. If he doesn’t, he further infuriates me. You’ve been warned, Gordon!
94. Hunter Pence – Can be a 15/10 guy in the 2nd half. (I’m not sure I believe that myself, but he can go 15/10. Nope, still don’t believe it.)
95. Miguel Tejada – I considered leaving him off and he seems like he won’t be anything but a higher profile name putting up Kelly Johnson-type numbers.
96. Rickie Weeks – Throw him in Krispie’s sidecar as someone who doesn’t deserve to be on the list, but what he can do makes him impossible to leave off. Actually, I could’ve left him off but I didn’t.
97. Mike Lowell – He’s Puerto Rican and only 34. I always find that curious. Anyway, carry on.
98. Kevin Youkilis – I know he has a history of 2nd half swooning, but he wasn’t even good in June and July last year and he has been this year. I’m going to go out on a wild limb here and say he wins the AL MVP with numbers like 115/30/125/.320/5.
99. Edinson Volquez – When rookie pitchers start to accumulate too many innings, struggles turn to rotation spots being skipped. Then again, Management, “Dusty, you need to limit Edinson’s innings.” Cut to: Dusty’s blank stare.
100. Joey Votto – More valuable than Bruce.
101. Erik Bedard – Because no top 100 list is complete without a 101. Liked Bedard coming into the season. Do not like him at all in the 2nd half. His return is a question mark and he may be shutdown come September. He’s on this list because I wanted to say how much I didn’t like him.  “Yo, Point, where you going?” “Home.” “Jump in, I’ll drive you.”
102. Cliff Lee – I didn’t forget him. I just wanted to.
103. Carlos Gomez/Willy Taveras/SAGNOF – If you need steals, you overpay for them. Why? Because it’s now or never.
104. Jonathan Broxton/Damaso Marte/SAGNOF – If you need saves, you… See right above.
105. Whatever Player Gets You The Championship – It’s now or never, people. I cannot stress this enough. Actually, I can and will post about this tomorrow.

Youuuuuuk hit two homers, Teix hit three home runs and, most importantly, Prince Fielder hit two home runs. Why do I say most importantly?  Well, with Youuuuuuuuk, I have him in one of my cash leagues, so I really hope he keeps hitting bombs because I know he has no trade value. With that said, I don’t think he keeps hitting bombs. So two home runs were nice, but they are what they are. As for Teix, he had three HRs, 4 RBIs. 6 of 13 home runs this month, which bodes well for a guy who doesn’t get hot until after the All-Star break. So the three homers are good, but no one was too worried. As for Prince Fielder aka the guy who now eats 16 Boca Burgers a day, he is a guy that you NEED home runs from. So it’s great to see fatty boombalatty finally hitting them. With 8 in June, he can still have 20-something home runs by the All-Star break and no one will remember why they hated him for two months. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Albert Pujols – Looks like he’s returning this Thursday. Yesterday, I traded Pujols (and Mike Cameron) away for Sizemore. Not a slam dunk, but Sizemore is keeping pace in home runs with Pujols and I could use the steals. Cameron was a waiver pickup and would’ve been a drop with Sizemore anyway. Feel free to weigh-in (and mock me) in the comments. (I’m sure you will anyway.)

Shaun Marcum – Marcum heads to the DL and tea with Dr. James Andrews. (If Dr. James Andrews plays fantasy baseball, I can’t imagine anyone trades with him. “Hey, Dr. James here. Was wondering if you wanted to trade me Soria for Marcum.” Other owner, “Is Marcum going to be out longer than expected?” Dr. Jim pauses for a moment then, “No.”)

Randy Wolf – Wolf in Petco 10 Ks, 2 ER. His Home/Road splits actually made me laugh. Home 4-1/2.46/44 IP — Road 1-4/5.84/44.2 IP

Justin Duchscherer – One-time great A’s middle reliever now becoming a great starter.  1.99 ERA now after going 7 2/3 IP of 1 ER ball.  How many Cy Youngs could Chad Bradford won?

Ian Snell – Today Snell is going to have an MRI. Izzy blows five saves in a row — goes to the DL. Victor Martinez goes two months without a home run, hits the DL. Snell has a 5.99 ERA through almost half a season? He’s headed to the DL too. But this is not the Disabled List; this is the Disgraceful List.

Kaz Matsui – Strained his hamstring.  Rumor is that he injured himself once in Japan during pregame calisthenics. When asked how this compared with his injury earlier this year, Kaz said through a translator, “This one is frustrating but the one earlier this year was a real pain in the ass.”

Manny Parra – Parra got the win, but didn’t look that great doing it. He’s walking too many. Oh, well. What do I mean, “Oh, well?” Parra’s a fifth fantasy starter. You can deal with inconsistency from a fifth fantasy starter. Jurrjens gets hit? No biggie. Cueto needs his eye cut so he can see? He gets cut. Carlos Silva gets knocked around– Wait, why is Carlos Silva on your team?!

Mike Gonzalez – Gave up 3 ER. Braves are probably pining for Kerry Ligtenberg. (Meanwhile, the KKK pines for John Rocker.)

Jeff Clement – Hit a HR off Mike Gonzalez. If you’re struggling at catcher, there’s no reason to not take the Clement flier.

Chad Billingsley – My “I (heart) Billingsley” tattoo has people coming up to me saying, “You’ll shoot your eye out,” but Chad and I know who it’s for.

Ian Stewart – Optioned down to Triple-A. Now that all non-Kinsler Ians suck, when is baseball going to enter the age of Seamus?

Clint Barmes – He was the one that replaced Ian Stewart. Worth a grab for a MI spot if you’re hurting (like you just fell down stairs carrying a dead deer.)

Vicente Padilla – With 10 wins now, he is on pace for 20.   Improbable?  We’d say so.  The last Ranger to win 20 games in a season was Rick Helling in 1998.  Since then, only a couple Ranger pitchers have won 20 games combining seasons.  Only 15 more to go Brandon McCarthy!

Johnny Cueto – When a rookie starter gets called up, he goes through a cycle. First, he wows the league, can get everyone out because no one is familiar with his stuff. Then the league catches up with the pitcher and he hits an adjustment period and is knocked around by the league. Finally, the pitcher settles in and becomes what he is. So when Cueto pitches well against the Yanks, the natural thing is to assume he’s settled in and this is what he is. The problem is, the Yanks are in a different league so this outing may have been a blip. The good news, he’s only surrendered more than three runs once in the last eight starts. So is he or isn’t he out of the adjustment period? Um… Yeah. Maybe.

Jered Weaver – Beat Hamels, but didn’t outpitch him.  Seems at this point that his really hot start when he first came up is the anomaly and not the last year and a half.  That’s just the Weaver way.

Justin Verlander – After pitching at Petco, Verlander put on Chris Young’s jersey and tried to sneak into the Padres rotation. “I took Dramamine – I’m not dizzy anymore!” On a side note, Brian Giles called up Jim Edmonds and asked him to smuggle him out.

Jake Peavy is scheduled to start on Thursday. Despite the fact that Peavy’s been on the DL for much of the year and the whole offense blows except for A-Gonz and Brian Giles’ OBP, San Diego is only 7 games back of Arizona. But just in case Jake was feeling nervous, we thought we’d calm him down with some inspiration from claymation canine Goliath (if this doesn’t ring a bell, watch the YouTube video first.)

Jake Peavy plaintively looking around the San Diego locker room at his teammates.

Goliath: Whatcha looking for, Peeeaveeey?
Jake: Goliath, do you see any hitters in this locker room?
Goliath: It matters what you mean by a hitter, Peeaveeey.
Jake: These people keep telling me that we have an offense but I look around and they all suck except for Adrian Gonzalez.
Goliath: That’s not a nice thing to say.
Jake: I know, Goliath. I guess I’m just nervous.
Goliath: Why is that, Peeeaveeey?
Jake: It’s just…I’m coming off a fairly long DL stint and my only practice was against my teammates. I’m afraid I’ll give up more than 1 run and then I won’t have a chance to get a win.
Goliath: Oh Peeeaveeey. Well I know a lot of fantasy baseball teams count on you and they realize you probably won’t win because the Padres offense is damned on account of Khalil Greene believing in a cockamamie religion.
Jake: Cocka-what?
Goliath: But if you give them 10 Ks and 3 runs or less in 7 IP, they’ll be very happy.
Jake: You really think so, Goliath.
Goliath: I know so, Peeeaveey. Now get off my DL and earn me some stats.
Jake: You got it, Goliath!

Anyway, here’s what else we saw:

Ryan Ludwick – The breakthrough season continues. 4-5, 2 2B, HR, 4 RBI. We have him as the 25th most valuable player so far this year (based on Point Shares). Ankiel chipped in a HR too. And no one involved in the Cardinal organization drove drunk tonight. That’s a heartwarming night for the Cards except….

Albert Pujols – Strained his calf and was helped off the field. He was said to have ‘calf cramps’ for a couple days now. Someone start massaging his motherfuckin’ calf. What’s the problem here? Wouldn’t be surprised if he hit the DL. At least he could spend some time with his children on Father’s Day – with the youngest entering college in September, he’s got to learn to cherish these moments.

Chris Duncan – If Pujols does take an extended siesta, we can see Dave’s Kid.

Dustin McGowan – Did his best Roy Halladay impersonation with a complete game win against Seattle. That is 5 quality starts out of 6 since his 9 ER stinker on May 10th

Dodgers – Furcal’s now rumored to be out until the All-Star Break. Schmidt smells like sourdough toast. Andruw would be shot if he was a horse. Nomar is more fragile than Alanis Morisette after a breakup. That’s 4 of your top 5 in Dodger salary. Hell, Juan Pierre is a relative bargain at $8MM/per….

Jonathan Broxton – Saw him bat yesterday. Member the show Mama’s Family? Imagine Mama with a bat.

Bill Hall – Started at 2nd with Rickie being weak. Hall at 2nd is butter on the rooster, if you catch my drift. (I don’t even catch my drift, but I’m writing this at midnight my time, so bear with me.)

Rocco Baldelli – Is playing in extended spring training. What is extended spring training? Is this like after hours clubs that always have the “most slammin’ music” and the “most bangin’ ladies” then when you show up it’s 30,000 Asian dudes with glow sticks drinking energy drinks.

Josh Barfield – Hurt himself right after getting called up. Looks like Father’s Day at the Barfield’s, Jesse might have to bust out those hilarious anecdotes of how him and his other son send each other to the hospital.

David Ortiz went straight from DH to the DL. If there was any justice, he’d have at least gotten some time at DJ. So this is our rap ode, a ‘sixteen’ if you know what I mean and watch Miss Rap Supreme….

David Ortiz – you partially tore your tendon,
Ain’t no good for slapping, ain’t no good for bendin’,
You’re the Big Papi…suckaz all try to copy,
Your belly’s like Buddha’s, theirs is lookin’ all sloppy.
Now you’re out of my lineup – ay dios mio,
My smile is gone, mi corazon es frio,
Thought I’d pick up Lyle Overbay – homey, I gotcha
Maybe LaRoche, is that French for cucaracha?
Sexson and Millar and Dmitri and Barton,
Have been MIA so long, they be on a milk carton.
Maybe I’ll trade – give up some relief pitchin’,
But even if it works, other leaguemates be bitchin’.
I’m pouring some out of my forty – that shit be real fittin’
Because that was the total of homers I thought you’d be hittin’
Now I got none other than Mike Jacobs,
Here’s hoping the Sawx are rained out 60 straight — need makeups!

Anyway, don’t bother with Sean (Big Yappy) Casey unless you’re in a Razzball league.  Here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Oliver Perez – There’s very few pitchers who can pitch well for three months at a time, yet you’re still waiting for the other shoe to drop. That thud you felt tonight. That was the shoe.

Jay Bruce – Hit another home run yesterday. SaltyBiscuits (this is his real name) had some observations in yesterday’s comments about Jay Bruce. I thought it was only fair to share — SaltyBiscuits, “I once saw Jay Bruce hit 3 home runs with one swing. He scored 11 runs on the play and was awarded 3 bonus rbi’s due to his sheer awesomeness.” “Anyone notice Jay Bruce’s strange top hand adjustment during his batting stance? He kind of takes his hand off the bat for a second, almost like he is fixing his jersey. Well, it turns out that the mechanism in question is government regulated. It was instituted to prevent Jay Bruce from using full strength during his swing, which would have sent batted baseballs thousands of miles into the atmosphere causing damage to aircraft, satellite and migrating birds.” “Bud Selig has decided that Jay Bruce is no longer permitted to hold his baseball bat in the traditional fashion. From this point forward, before each at bat, Jay Bruce is given the choice to either hold the bat upside down or swing blindfolded.”

Melky Cabrera – I gotta be honest with you, if his name was John Smith. I’m not sure I would ever mention him. Last seven games, Melky is hitting .350.

Jeremy Guthrie – He do what he do. Quality starts. That’s all he does. And lose. He does that too. Remind me never to watch the Orioles again. Very frustrating.

Albert Pujols/Chase Utley – I never looked at Yahoo fantasy baseball before this year. I thought Rotoarcade was the guy I call when my lady decides to put her female “stuff” down the toilet. So I checked out the “big board” the other day. These guys are lucky Hater Bell has his hands full with Eric Karabell. Pujols is having a solid season, but he’s number one? I have him on one ‘pert team. Let’s just say, I’d offer my Benihana Buddha collection for Chase Utley. That means something! Also, why is Tim Curry the guy in charge of this “big board?” I thought William Fichtner stole all of his gigs.

Adam Wainwright – Ill-timed home run by Jason Michaels. On a related note, I hate Jason Michaels.

John Smoltz – The old man blew a save. Maybe he was a little rusty from being 41 or from throwing three trillion innings in the last 20 years. If you have him, you better hope he’s fine because now you’ll officially be selling low. Not an ideal situation.

Ryan Spilborghs – Back and batting third for people who keep track of that sort of thing. Won’t last past Holliday’s return, but there’s value for a week.

Ian Stewart – Fifth game at 2nd base. He’s better than the Alex(e)i twins.

Ben Francisco – Hit a home run in the two hole. Recognize! Actually, I’ve cooled on him since I picked him up last week, but he’s still on one team. Not sure for how long. Maybe ‘ever! (Is that apostrophe cutting off an “n” or a “for?” You make the call!) (Actually, it’s probably a “for” since an “n” wouldn’t really make sense. And that folks is how you go back-to-back with parentheses!)

Casey Blake – 2 HRs/7 RBIs. Andy Marte can’t catch a break.

Josh Hamilton -16 HRs/65 RBIs which is roughly 77 HRs/180 RBIs in street value.

Aaron Laffey – Marginal fantasy pitcher + game in Arlington = ugly

Jake Westbrook – Thanks for punching the clock. You can go back on workers’ comp now.

Mark Teixeira – Hit a home run. If anyone’s keeping track of these things, Teixeira is a 2nd half hitter. Zoinks! (BTW, His last name breaks the ‘I” before “E” rule and it trips me up every time. I’d go with Tex, but that’s a lame nickname. Mex would work for me, but that’s Just For Men. If someone can come up with a good nickname for him, I’ll give you the geocaching coordinates of a treasure that only me and a Hasidic Rabbi know about and, because of kosher laws, I’m the only that can get to it!)