Fantasy Baseball Advice

Catchers, 1st basemen, 2nd basemen and top 20 shortstops for 2010 have been accounted for.  Up now, the top 20 3rd basemen for 2010 fantasy baseball.   Lots of surprises in the top 20 for 3rd basemen.  In the top 3, two guys that weren’t drafted in the first 10 rounds with the 1st guy not being drafted in the first 20 rounds.  Heroes of 2009, Mini-Donkey and Kung Fu Panda, which sounds like an anime cartoon that has a 75% chance of giving you a seizure, did give you the fits.  Then when you get to around the halfway mark, the drop off is precipitous.  Also, to recap, this final ranking is from ESPN Player Rater with my comments.  The Player Rater allows me to be impartial while looking at how I ranked them in the preseason.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 3rd basemen for 2010 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Jose Bautista – He had 59 homers in four previous seasons combined.  That was in 570 extra games.  No wonder some people were calling Jose Bah-test-him.  (Never heard anyone actually call him this, but they should’ve been.)  This is the most improbable 50 homer season since Brady Anderson, who was aided by Luke Perry’s sideburns.  How awesome would it have been if McGwire was Bautista’s hitting coach this year?  Would’ve been like when a face wrestler suddenly is recruited by a heel manager.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  109/54/124/.260/9

2. David Wright – At this point, I think it’s fair to say you’re never getting 35 homers from Wright as long as he calls Metco home.  At least you didn’t get another 10 homer season, or as Ralph Kiner calls it, ‘What my Mommy hits.’  Preseason Rank #3, 2010 Projections:  100/25/110/.300/17, Final Numbers:  87/29/103/.283/19

3. Adrian Beltre – I didn’t look this up because Google requires me to open a new tab, but Beltre has to have Boras as his agent, right?  Speaking of heel managers, Boras is the ultimate heel agent.  He would be Bob Sugar in Jerry Maguire.  If you get the sense I’m annoyed by these top guys, I am.  Bautista had no business having that season and Beltre is El Senator, as Rudy dubbed him.  Because Beltre campaigns every 6 years, making promises he doesn’t live up to once under contract.  Preseason Rank #14, 2010 Projections:  70/24/80/.275/10, Final Numbers:  84/28/102/.321/2

4. Evan Longoria – If you would’ve told me before the season started that Longoria would get 15 steals, I would’ve been over the moon, or whatever that old-timey expression is.  Though I would’ve expected those steals to be paired with 35 homers.  Someone not only stole his New Era cap but also his power.  Preseason Rank #2, 2010 Projections:  100/36/115/.280/10, Final Numbers:  96/22/104/.294/15

5. Ryan Zimmerman – Seems like his career is following the two steps forward, one step back Electric Slide approach.  In fairness, it was due to some thigh tightness in April and missing the last two weeks that caused Zimmerman to fall just short of projections.  I have to say, for a top guy, he kinda bored me for stretches.  Particularly, the 2 homer, .245 month of June and a zero homer month of September.  Preseason Rank #4, 2010 Projections:  105/30/110/.295/5, Final Numbers:  85/25/85/.307/4

6. Alex Rodriguez – It’s going to be surprisingly difficult to rank A-Rod next year for the first time in 15 years.  He seems to have settled into a solid, yet unspectacular option at 3rd base.  His lineup doesn’t hurt his Runs and RBIs, but the huge homer totals and steals have vanished along with his cousin.  Preseason Rank #1, 2010 Projections:  110/36/120/.310/15, Final Numbers:  74/30/125/.270/4

7. Michael Young – I feel like I’m in countdown waiting for this guy to get old, or, rather, show his age.  I know that any season now he’s going to go from 20+ homers to 15 homers and become tough to own at a high production spot in fantasy lineups.  In 2010, it was not yet that year.  Check in again in 2011.  Preseason Rank #10, 2010 Projections:  75/14/90/.315/10, Final Numbers:  99/21/91/.284/4

8. Martin Prado – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2010 post.

9. Casey McGehee – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2010 post.

10. Kevin Youkilis – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2010 post.

11. Michael Cuddyer – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2010 post.

12. Scott Rolen – In the first half of 2010, Rolen was a Rolex.  In the 2nd half, he turned out to be a Rolecks.  Preseason Unranked Final Numbers:  66/20/83/.285/1

13. Omar Infante – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2010 post.

14. Chone Figgins – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2010 post.

15. Chase Headley – I was admittedly too high on this guy in the preseason.  He wasn’t a sleeper, he was a Valium.  If you throw out his 7 steal month of April, he was middling at best, unownable at worse.  Preseason Rank #21, 2010 Projections:  70/20/85/.290/10, Final Numbers:  77/11/58/.264/17

16. Placido Polanco – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2010 post.

17. Neil Walker – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2010 post.

18. Miguel Tejada – Went over him in the top 20 shortstops for 2010 post.

19. Juan Uribe – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2010 post.

20. Mark Reynolds – This Reynolds year should be a warning for Bautista’s 2011.  I’ll call him overrated and will still probably give him too much credit, as I did with Reynolds.  In 2009, Mini Donkey received all the brays.  In 2010, you pulled on Mini Donkey’s reins to try and get him to move.  Finally, you tried to push on his ass and he kicked you in the teeth.  Preseason Rank #6, 2010 Projections:  85/35/95/.250/12, Final Numbers:  79/32/85/.198/7

We already went over the top 20 catchers for 2010 and the top 20 1st basemen for 2010.  Today, it’s all about the top 20 2nd basemen.  The 2nd basemen pool is shallow (not as kiddie-sized as the shortstops, though it’s nearly as deep as 3rd basemen, but we’ll get to those).  To recap, this final ranking is from ESPN Player Rater with my comments.  The Player Rater allows me to be impartial while looking at how I ranked them in the preseason.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 2nd basemen for 2010 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Robinson Cano – In the preseason, I said, “With Cano going to be the magical 27 years old in 2010 when power tends to peak, I hope Cano can pull a high-20s homer season out of his hat.”  And that’s me quoting me!  A note on the projections vs. the final stats.  They’re actually close but since I predicted a 6th place ranking for those stats it goes to show you how weak offense was last year.  In 2010, 6th ranked stats got you ranked first.  Cust kayin’.  Preseason Rank #6, 2010 Projections:  90/27/100/.315/5, Final Numbers:  103/29/109/.319/3

2. Dan Uggla – Again, I wasn’t really that far off with my projections.  The average was much higher than I or anyone, including Uggla, thought he could hit.  Just reiterates my point that average is completely fluky.  Preseason Rank #9, 2010 Projections:  90/32/100/.250/3, Final Numbers:  100/33/105/.287/4

3. Rickie Weeks – And there’s the season we can get if Weeks were to just stay healthy.  Now someone put him in a bubble for the rest of his career.  Thank you.  Preseason Rank #14, 2010 Projections:  75/17/55/.255/15, Final Numbers:  112/29/83/.269/11

4. Kelly Johnson – Easily beat out Jamey Carroll for best 2nd baseman with a girl’s name.  Though Jamey does sound a bit cuter.  Anyway, back on January 4th, I said this, “http://razzball.com/bays-new-years-resolution-drop-15-homers/”  Hmm… That didn’t cut and paste right.  Well, that’s the post URL, you figure it out.  If you didn’t know I liked Kelly Johnson in the preseason, you weren’t reading Razzball.  How’s dem apples?  Sour?  Sorry.  Preseason Rank #21 (though I said he was really ranked 14th, how’s that for hedging?), 2010 Projections:  85/15/65/.270/10, Final Numbers:  93/26/71/.284/13

5. Martin Prado – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen post.

6. Brandon Phillips – Wasn’t a great year for BP, in every sense of the abbreviation.  He was headed for his fourth straight 20/20 season then the 2nd half of the season happened.  The HBP hit BP’s wrist and sent him Septumbling.  Preseason Rank #3, 2010 Projections:  80/22/95/.275/22, Final Numbers:  100/18/59/.275/16

7. Casey McGehee – He ended up beating his Dad by 18 spots.  Ended up giving a lot more value due to his RBI total, which isn’t something you can count on (see Prince Fielder for further reading).  I have a feeling McGehee won’t be overrated in the preseason, so he could still be a value play.  Preseason Rank #16, 2010 Projections:  55/17/65/.280, Final Numbers:  70/23/104/.285/1

8. Chase Utley – It hurts seeing Utley this low.  It’s like when your girlfriend stops returning your phone calls and then you sit outside her door only to find her come home with another man.  Not that I know anything about that.  Preseason Rank #1, 2010 Projections:  110/32/105/.300/15, Final Numbers:  75/16/65/.275/13

9. Howard Kendrick – And now we’re pretty much in the tomato-tomahto section of the program.  This is gonna come as a shock to people, but I think I’m ready to get on the Howie train for 2011.  Won’t reach too high for him because his power and speed still yawnstipate him, but I think he’s about ready for his coming out party, Ricky Martin.  Preseason Rank #15, 2010 Projections:  85/12/70/.310/12, Final Numbers:  67/10/75/.279/14

10. Omar Infante – Was actually more valuable than it seems from this ranking because you didn’t really own him for the whole year, you only owned him when he was hitting in the 2nd half.  So add Theriot’s April with Kinsler’s May-June and Infante’s July and August and you had a solid Frankeninfielder.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  65/8/47/.321/7

11. Chone Figgins – <sarcasm>I’m sure glad I finally owned Figgy this year after all the years I avoided him.  He will definitely be on my short list of guys I absolutely must own next year.</sarcasm> Figgy is my Bart and I’m Sideshow Bob.  Preseason Rank #8 for 3rd Basemen, 2010 Projections:  105/5/55/.295/40, Final Numbers:  62/1/35/.259/42

12. Ben Zobrist – Not as disappointing as it seems until you factor in where you had to draft him.  Oh, and very disappointing after his historic (for him) 2009 campaign.  Prepare to hear similar things next year with Bautista.  Preseason Rank #8, 2010 Projections:  75/20/85/.270/12, Final Numbers:  77/10/75/.238/24

13. Ian Kinsler – It’s people like Kinsler that will abuse Obamacare.  Actually, I don’t even know what Obamacare is.  I’m ignorant, ya’ll!  Kinsler will be one of those players next year that will reward his current owners and totally piss off all his owners from 2010.  Preseason Rank #2, 2010 Projections:  110/29/80/.270/34, Final Numbers:  73/9/45/.286/15

14. Mike Aviles – Wanna know how pathetic the 2nd basemen were?  You really only needed two great weeks to get ranked in the top 15.  Luckily for Aviles’ owners, those weeks came at the best time of the season.  I accept this H2H trophy on behalf of all the men and women in the Armed Forces, and Mike Aviles.  He rocked!  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  63/8/32/.304/14

15. Marco Scutaro – This — along with Prado’s ranking — is another one of those places I don’t fully agree with ESPN’s Player Rater.  Raburn, Pedroia (for half a year), even Aaron Hill would be above Scutaro if I had my druthers or if I knew what druthers were.  Preseason #15 for Shortstops, 2010 Projections:  70/11/80/.275/7, Final Numbers:  92/11/56/.275/5

16. Placido Polanco – Member all the people in the preseason that were like, “Yo, Grey, check it!  Polanco’s now in Citizens Flank and in a good lineup!  He’s the bomb diggity!  March commenter out.”  Yeah, and Polanco gave you another yawnstipating season.  Preseason Rank #17, 2010 Projections:  100/10/70/.300/10, Final Numbers:  76/6/52/.298/5

17. Neil Walker – Okay, this is a glass half full or half empty test.  If you see Walker ranked here and think about how great Walker was, you’re an optimist.  If you see him ranked here and think about how polluted the womb of 2nd basemen is, you’re a pessimist.  Preseason Unranked , Final Numbers:  57/12/66/.296/2

18. Juan Uribe – You ever see this guy swing?  He shortens his swing on an 0-2 count about as well as JWoww covers her chest.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  64/24/85/.248/1

19. Jeff Keppinger – Blanco Polanco ranked in the top 20?  Case closed, 2nd basemen are found guilty of being awful.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  62/6/59/.288/4

20. Ryan Raburn – Is it weird that I’m already excited about him for 2011?  No?  Cool.  Okay, is it weird that I’m typing this in the nude?  No again?  Sweet!  Raburn finally saw a fair number of at-bats in the 2nd half when he hit .315 with 13 homers.  Someone get my man Raburn a full-time job… Or just send everyone on the Tigers not named Jackson, Boesch and Cabrera to the Bermuda Triangle on vacation.  Preseason Unranked, 2010 Projections:  65/22/75/.265/10, Final Numbers:  54/15/62/.280/2

Ryan Perry got the save yesterday because Jose Valverde is out with a tender elbow.  Valverde isn’t supposed to be out long but whenever a reliever’s elbow is in question — or any pitcher, for that matter — it’s cause for concern.  With the Tigers playing for nothing, they could shut Valverde down.  Phil Coke could see some situational saves.  When reached for comment about his new role, Phil Coke said, “This is it?”  By the way, he’s the best lefty reliever synonymous with Coke since Steve Howe.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Johnny Damon – 4-for-4, 2 Runs and an RBI.  Not a bad day to stream him into my lineup.  Hit the wall, turn on the lights, blow on my fist, rub fist on leather jacket and say, “Ayyyyyy.”  (Wasn’t as great a day to stream Casper Wells or Don Kelly, who’s also known as LL Donkey.)

Rick Porcello – 8 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 K.  It’s legitimately hard for me to give a non-hedged endorsement to Porcello.  I don’t like his lack of Ks, but at this stage in the year, all’s fair in love and the waiver wire.  Porcello’s pitching well and gets the Royals in his start after next.  His next start vs. the Rangers in Arlington is a pass.

Bobby Jenks – Is day-to-day with funny bone soreness.  That Bobby, always up to hijenks!   Either way, the funny bone injury doesn’t sound serious.

Matt Thornton – But if Jenks’ jenky ‘bow doesn’t straighten itself out, I’d grab Thornton, Putz or Sale, in that order.

Gavin Floyd – 6 IP, 5 ER, 14 baserunners, 3 Ks as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post.  Floyd would be a whole lot more attractive if he didn’t get absolutely drubbed once a month.  Cust kayin’.

Colby Lewis – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  After a month or so where he treated your team like a public restroom, decent bounce back last night.  I wouldn’t say he’s completely righted the ship with one good start, but if you need Ks, Lewis is your man.

David Murphy – 1-for-3 with a steal.  He’s in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  SPOILER ALERT:  He’s a buy.

Travis Wood -5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I feel like Wood’s teetering on a terrible start his next time out.  I don’t have much to support this.  Just a gut feeling.  Okay, you got me.  I’m now reading tea leaves.

Joey Votto – 0-for-4 the same day CarGo went 0-for-4.  I didn’t look this up, but I’m guessing this was the first time they were both held hitless on the same day this year.  Pretty crazy, huh?  (Assuming it’s true.)

Placido Polanco – Says he’s playing with a broken elbow.  Um… Ouch?  Could explain why his already weak power has been even weaker.  He has 1 homer in the last three months. (Oh, and one steal.)  Yeah, besides average, he’s not giving you anything, but that’s more or less his MO.

Jason Hammel – 7 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Coming into this game, he had a 3.43 ERA at home, and that means nothing now that he just soiled my team.

Jason Heyward – Sticking with the newly established Jason theme, Heyward left the game with a leg injury.  He’s day-to-day, hey, hey, hey.

Jair Jurrjens – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Meesa tinks Jar-Jar’s had better games.

Adam Wainwright – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks with his 18th win.  So who wins the NL Cy Young?  Halladay, Wainwright, Ubaldo or a wild card?

Colby Rasmus – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs, 3 Runs, 2 homers.  Geiger!  Let’s go!

Bud Norris – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I’m going to be unrealistically excited about Norris next March and he’s going to let me down in April and crush my will to live.  I know this already.

Andre Ethier – Hit his 21st homer and knocked in his 74th RBI.  He’s also hitting .289 and has 2 steals.  Is there any outfielder that is more overrated?  Luke Scott, Bobby Abreu, Marlon Byrd and Drew Stubbs are just some of the names on ESPN’s Player Rater that have been as valuable as Ethier.

Shawn Hill – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Member when I loved this guy?  Was like two years ago.  We were younger then, you and I.  You look different; I think it’s your hair that’s now on your back.  Hill has some talent, but also needs the same health insurance provider as Nick Johnson.  The chance of Hill providing any value this year is slim to anorexic.

Jose Bautista – 2-for-3 as he hit his 44th homer yesterday, which is 45.43 in U.S. homers.

Roger Clemens – Reports came out that the Canadian police are helping in the Clemens’ probe.  Gives new meaning to Mounties.

Yesterday, Matt LaPorta homered in his third straight game.  Who needs LeBron when you got LaPorta?  BTW, I don’t like basketball because I think a 7 foot tall guy making a basket is as difficult as me throwing away something in a garbage can, but I suggest you check out the LeBron documentary.  Was really good.  Total puff piece, but I was on the edge of my feeling castle about to emote.  Hey, Joel Siegel, I’m carrying on the movie and mustache thing!  Maybe LaPorta’s just Pronk II:  Hasta LaPorta Baby.  Maybe the MLP package is finally on.  Maybe he does nothing starting tomorrow.  At your corner infidel, I’d take a flyer on LaPorta for the chance you get a cheap 15 homers.  If he maintains this pace for 3 months, he’ll have Cleveland fans almost forget they traded CC Pitching Factory for him.  Just like Lou Marson and Jason Donald’s play is making them forget about Cliff Lee.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Justin Masterson – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He must’ve decided it was time to step it up since 3,463 Yahoo teams had dropped him.

Frank Herrmann – Got the save yesterday because he was already warming up.  When I saw his last name, it made me think of one of those spray painted, graffiti shirts you and your significant other got when you were fifteen.  I wonder if his wife has an Indians jersey with the last name, Mygirl.

Chase Utley – Will have surgery and miss the next 8 weeks.  The Middle Infieluenza Outbreak of Twenty-Ten continues to sweep through the NL East.  If you own Utley, you have to DL him and grab a replacement.  And cry.  You should do that too.  Let out your emotions, it’s good for your fantasy soul.  Also, he wasn’t hitting well before the hand injury, so expecting him to return in September at the height of his game is assuming a lot.  As they said in China in the 1400s, assuming makes an ass out of you and Ming.

Placido Polanco – Crapolanco will miss up to a month with discomfort in his left elbow.  Philly fans threw batteries at the doctor who originally said Polanco just needed a cortisone shot.

Jose Reyes – Out of the lineup again yesterday.  This time he said he had pain in his side while the Mets maintain the pain’s in his back.  I saw the replay when he was injured and he was holding his side.  Hopefully it’s still a minor day-to-day thing.  Meanwhile, the Mets really should upgrade their doctors.

Carlos Beltran – Could return next week if he can play consecutive nine inning games this weekend.  Beltran also makes an appearance in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  You can hardly wait.  No, y0u!

Johan Santana – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks as he was outpitched by Livan (7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks).  Sure, he was outpitched by only one extra baserunner, but it’s Johan vs. Livan.  This should’ve been an Andre vs. two jobbers type mismatch.

Jason Varitek – Out for 4-6 weeks with a broken foot.  Or as they say in Boston, “Ya got jammied on the jimmy.”  Actually, no one says that.  Kevin Cash will take over.  Ironically, he is so not money.

Trevor Cahill – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I seem like the only fantasy baseball ‘pert holding out against Cahill, but I just can’t get behind his K-rate.  Sure, he struck out 10 last time out, but it was the Pirates.  This start was vs. the Suckie-O’s.  If you want to grab him, you do what you do.  I would not start him next time out vs. the Yankees.

Travis Wood – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Stephen just went over his Travis Wood fantasy.  Stephen said, “drool worthy” “splits” “small sample size” “dramatic” “LOOGY.”  Man, I could never work for Zagat’s.  Wood’s an okay flyer in NL-Only leagues, I wouldn’t want him to roofie me in mixed leagues.

Josh Bell – This rookie is one Cool Papa!  Here’s what Stephen said, “(Bell was) received in the George Sherrill trade last year, Bell is the future third baseman for the Orioles.  Meaning, 2010 – just waiting for Miguel Tejada and, or, Garrett Atkins to stumble or get hurt. However, don’t let “future …” get into your head.  His upside is .270 to .290 with 20 to 25 homers a season.  Think Adrian Beltre, but without the glove…”  And that’s me quoting Stephen!  That’s pretty right on; I’ll add that he’s young and could stumble this year.  I wouldn’t look at him yet outside of AL-Only and keeper leagues.

Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He looked solid at times and “not so much” at other times.  You know, rookie stuff.  In home starts vs. lefty heavy lineups, I’d give him a shot in mixed leagues.  Otherwise, I’d stick to NL-Only and keeper leagues with him for now.

Buster Posey – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer.  He’s young and exciting!  Bengie Molina’s fat and boring!  Yeah, and Molina will probably have better numbers than Posey this year.  Cust kayin’.

Dexter Fowler – 3-for-5 and 2 steals.  Booyakasha!  When I say, Dexter, you say Fowler!  Dexter… What?  Too soon?  All right, but it was a nice game and love that Tracy hit him leadoff the past three games.

Carlos Gonzalez – Yesterday, someone in our fantasy baseball forums noticed something I’ve been meaning to say about CarGo.  He always seems to hit a homer and steal a base in the same game.  It’s almost like he wants to get to 20/20 in the same game.

David Aardsma – 1 IP, 2 ER, Kazaam!  Here’s why I think Aardsma was inexplicably brought into a tie game in the 8th inning.  The M’s are in last place on the verge of sweeping the Yankees and Wakamatsu thought if they get the sweep the M’s may not sell off their team and fire him.  In other news, Cliff Lee thinks he’ll be traded by early next week.

Cliff Lee – If I may dream for a moment, imagine him in Metco.  Mmm… The Adverb.  BTW, picture you’re a Mariners fan who was in a coma since March and you just heard the Cliff Lee rumors.  You’d be like, “Trade Lee?  Are you crazy?  We got him, Milton Bradley and Figgy!  We’re going all the way!”  Um, yeah.  Listen, Comatose Mariners fan, you may want to sit down.

Chase Utley was placed on the 15-day DL with a sprained thumb and he might need surgery.  This injury opens up a big gaping hole in his owners’ hearts that can only be filled with junk food and hardcore drugs.  Utley may not have been playing his weight in pomade, but at least you had him out there.  At night when you crawled into your Michelob-scented bedsheets, your head hit the pillow knowing that if nothing else Utley was healthy.  Looks like you’re going to have to dust off the “Sounds of the Ocean” CD you used to help you sleep when your wife left you.  Phillies will turn to Wilson Valdez, Juan Catastrophe and Brian Bocock, whose surname is bad enough without me altering it.   Hopefully your options are better.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Placido Polanco – Crapolanco also heads off to the DL.  Too bad because he was leading David Wright in All-Star votes for 3rd base.  Hold on, whaaaaa???  Oh.  Wait, what?  If his vote tally goes up while he’s on the DL, I’m gonna suggest players can’t vote for themselves.

Chris Carpenter – As reported here before I ever read it elsewhere then re-reporting it after I did read it elsewhere, Carp could miss his next start because of the comebacker he took off his forearm.

Albert Pujols – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.  ESPN dedicated three minutes to Pujols yesterday with only two mentions of Strasburg.

Felipe Lopez – 4-for-5 with a steal and 6 for his last 9.  Worth taking a look at if you lost Pedroia or Utley.

David Freese – Is on ice for 15 days with a sprained right ankle.  Or as doctors call it, “a rankle.”

Dexter Fowler – As Hawpe nurses his ribs back to succulency, the Rockies called up a Razzball favorite, Dexter Fowler.  Fowler still doesn’t have an everyday job in the outfield.  Can the Rockies please ship off Hawpe and Spilborghs?  Fowler has great speed and good on base skills.  If he gets starts, I’ll be more excited.  I still grabbed him in all but one league where I was beat to the punch by Behrens.  Behrens!

Joel Zumaya – Will miss the rest of the season with a displaced fracture of his… It hurts just to type it.  It’s not good.  Let’s move on.

Alfonso Soriano – 2-for-4, 2 homers.  Looked like his Mummy knees were starting to unravel in June (4 homers, .229 this month), but last night was a nice sign of life.  (Of course I was sonavabenched by him last night, but that’s my ulcer.)

Ryan Doumit – 2-for-3 with his 7th homer.  Been Doumit out power since June 5th, but he’s the type to hit them in bunches like a horny monkey.

John Lackey - 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  That’s cool, I dropped him in a league yesterday.  I’m done with this schmohawk.  You can’t start him at home, in away games he’s taking on the Yanks, Rays and 1927 Blue Jays.  It’s over for Lackey and I.  I should’ve never drafted him to begin with.  Have a nice life, don’t write!

Bill Hall – 1-for-3 and a homer as he filled in for Pedroia.  Hopefully Hall’s brother doesn’t follow the lead of Dustin’s brother, Pedo Pedroia.

Adrian Beltre – 4-for-4 as he hits .349 on the year.  That translates to .270 at Safeco and .220 in a non-contract year.

Carl Crawford – 4-for-5 and a steal as he pulled back on the road after his shoulder issue.

B.J. Upton – Sat out, but the dork in the Buddy Holly glasses said it wasn’t because of his argument with Longoria.  Longoria said, “Yes, it was.”

Roger Bernadina – 1-for-4 with a steal.  Has now hit in nine of his last ten games, though he only has one multi-hit game in there.  He’s making a case for the leadoff spot and has shown some power and speed with 5 homers and 7 steals in 162 ABs while batting near .300.  It’s not spectacular, but in deep leagues it’s worth the flyer.

Joey Votto – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer.  I <3 Votto.

Mike Leake – 6 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks as the Leake floods your ERA basement.  You guys had a good run.  Get his address and you can write to him when he’s on someone else’s team.

Gavin Floyd – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. Has now strung together 5 solid starts.

J.J. Putz – Got the save as Jenks continues to be away from the team.  Jenks will return within the next day or so, but this does tell us a bit about what Ozzie is thinking regarding Thornton and Putz.  Worth noting in case Jenks is traded.

Russell Branyan – 1-for-4 as he hit 3rd.  Really?  He’s your three hole hitter?  This is like when you and your lady breakup because you’re a damn fool and thought the new girl would be so much better and let you play your video games and cook for you and laugh at your corny jokes.  Branyan is the new girl, he is not better than the old girl.

Nick Swisher – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  I almost sat him vs. The Adverb.  Sonavabenching averted.

Phil Hughes – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Looks like the Hughes Rules in regards to skipping his rotation turn is working as well as the Joba Rules.

Matt LaPorta – Back from the minors only a few games and already homered.  It’s a nice sign.  Those of you hurting for a decent corner infidel will want to keep an eye on LaPorta.  We might have a live one, ya’ll.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 0 for his last 12.  Yeah, his worth-owning streak might have officially come to a close.

Prince Fielder – He got a little “How’s your father?” in yesterday’s 2nd half hitter post and hit 2 homers yesterday.  And only one of them was a solo shot!

Wilson Betemit – 2-for-4 and is hitting .480 over his 25 ABs this year.  Not getting consistent playing time, but the peasant Royals may want to reconsider that.

Denard Span – 4-for-4, 3 Triples, 2 Runs and 5 RBIs.  Look at Denard Dawg getting it done.  Probably will have a career year for steals in 2010 with the way he’s cut down his caught stealings.

Pat Burrell – 2-for-3 with his 5th homer as he bats .344 so far with the Giants.  Maybe it’s good he’s in San Fran so he can focus on baseball and not girls.  No, not in that way.  He was going through a messy divorce in Tampa and said he was having a hard time focusing.  In San Fran, he can focus on nothing but bats and balls.  No, still not like that.

Clint Barmes – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Here’s another MI that you can look at if you just lost Utley.  Barmes can give you a couple of ropers while only hurting you in average.

Huston Street – Recorded his first save of the year.  Member when you drafted him and you thought he’d be healthy by mid-April?  Good times!

Manny Ramirez – Left the game with an injured hamstring.  Better get Vladimir Shpunt on the horn!

Matt Kemp – 2-for-4.  Until Manny was hurt, Kemp was out of the starting lineup for the third straight day.  In related Rihanna news, Chris Brown has a new single.

Mike Napoli – Hit his team-leading 14th homer yesterday as the Angels keep trying to shop him for some power.  Can’t make this stuff up.

Leo Nunez – 1 IP, 2 ER as he recorded the newly-coined glossary term, sphinctory.

Brad Lidge – 1 IP, 3 ER.  Lidge now has 5 saves, 2 blown saves and a 5.25 ERA.  Good that he has the closer mentality, because without that intangible he’d be out of a job.

Wilson Valdez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs as he hit a homer filling in for Utley.  After the game, he met with a youngster named, Wilson Beepee, to assure him his name won’t always elicit jeers.