All strikeouts aren’t created equal, apparently. Holy Samardballs, are you kidding me? It was a short schedule day. There’s no middle relief disinfectant for this feces you sprayed all over my team. Why do you hurt me, Jeff Samardzija? Did I not show you enough preseason love? Did my March cuddles not warm your cockles? Did the hype get to your head? Are you better suited for football? Are you a great Scrabble word in search of a pitching repertoire? What the effin’ eff are you doing to my ratios? I GOT QUESTIONS, Y’ALL! Yesterday, his line was 3 1/3 IP, 9 ER and today he’s dropped to waivers. You can’t hold a guy who’s as explosive as bad Mexican food. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, Matt Cain had his shortest outing of his career with 2/3 IP and 3 ER. At least Bochy had the sense in his giant watermelon-sized head to remove Cain quick enough that yesterday’s damage was that of a bad Heath Bell outing. Wait a second, did I just compare Cain to Heath Bell? I just rang my own bell and answered with, “Holy crap no one wants to be compared to Heath Bell.” Where did it all go wrong for Cain and can Cain (almost stutterer!) get it back to good, assuming you’re not just signing a Matchbox Twenty song? Looking at his K-rate from last year to this year, he’s actually been better this year. His velocity is fine. His xFIP is nearly the same as last year when he had a 2.79 ERA. The only big change is his luck and his walk rate. He’s missing his spots. This can come one of two ways. He can miss his spots off the plate and walk guys or he can miss his spots in the zone and give up hits and homers. He usually works up in the zone. Done it his whole career. If you miss up…up, it’s a ball. If you miss up…down, you’re Sandy Duncan with one glass eye while watching with your other eye as the ball is leaving the park. The Giants are saying he might not be healthy, but I don’t think Cain is hurt. Still could land on the Disgraceful List. More likely, he needs to tweak something in his mechanics. Until that happens, I’d stay away from him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

You wanted to sell R.A. Dickey, but no one was buying. Seeing last year as a fluke. Said he couldn’t do it again. Said you had too much fruit in your tapioca for even drafting him. They told you go fly a kite with Dickey, but not around children or it would be weird. Then Dickey throws a two-hit shutout yesterday with 6 Ks and you showed them that the only good thing that ever came out of being a naysayer is horse whispering. Or did you? Do you know anything more about Dickey than you did two days ago? He says he’s been dealing with cold weather and a sore back and he’s blaming the WBC. Excuses are like Alcides Escobar, everyone has one and they all smell. Did Dickey’s back suddenly clear up? Because he gave up six earned in his last start. Was the weather in his last start cold and Dickey shrunk up? This shutout was against the Rays, who are now 10 for their last 99 against him. They see Dickey and immediately go limp. Finally, your Dickey looks to be pointing in the right direction, but I wouldn’t start writing his name on your underpants just yet. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I wish there was some kind of baseball pun that could tie into PANAMA!, but I think it’s good enough to stand on its own. I don’t particularly like Van Halen, and for the better part of my childhood I thought he was yelling ANIMAL!, which still may be possible. But one thing’s for sure, for those of you who experienced the 80′s, this song is stuck in the very fabric of our DNA, our very soul. There are just some things that do that. Like the Airwolf theme. It’ll always be in my life. Not just because its my ringtone, but because it has embedded itself into the core of my being. Simply put, it’s a sentimental marker that my mind uses to spark love and happiness. Just like how PANAMA! is. And waffles. Blow-jobs, and so forth. You know what doesn’t get stuck to our fabrics? The names I’m about to talk about. WHY DO I PLAY IN DEEP LEAGUES? So much pain…

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Six days ago, the Rays said they have no plans to call up Wil Myers. Six days ago, the Rays lied. They might’ve just lied to make Jim Bowden look stupid. While I appreciate that, Bowden rides around on a Segway, so the Rays were piling on. About two weeks ago, I gave you my Wil Myers fantasy. Lets’ not recapitulate any of that, okay? Let’s not talk about how Myers could hit 20 homers in two-thirds of a season. Or how Myers could hit .280 with solid counting stats. If you want to read about the risk of rookies, go to that post and read that. I’m not here to talk about how Myers is the number one prospect call-up or how he’s worthwhile in all mixed leagues, but won’t be Mike Trout. I’m not going to talk about any of that. Dah! I just did, didn’t I? Damn, you fooled me! Myers is the kind of player that probably has the most value right now. He’s going to be a top round fantasy guy. Eventually. Yes, I just did the douchey one word sentence thing. Right now, he’s around a 4th outfielder. Of course, he’s draped in glorious upside. You could yell at him the same way you do to a Home Depot employee, “Hey, Toolsy!” For the future, he reminds me of an in-his-prime Matt Holliday. He’s a 30-ish homer, 15-ish steal guy with a solid average. Eventually. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, we went over the top 20 shortstops for 2013 fantasy baseball and today we (hint: it’s in the title) go over the top 20 3rd basemen for 2013 fantasy baseball. We should call all the 2013 fantasy baseball rankings where in the world is Marco Scutaro and Martin Prado? Marco…Prado! It’s like the Italian guy who went to Asia and brought back knockoff designer handbags. Now, this is not that we like them, and by “we” I mean me, but due to their flexibility on the chart of 2013 fantasy baseball position eligibility, we can compare and contrast where they are to get an idea of how shallow or deep positions are. Prado was 16th for the 2nd basemen, 12th for shortstops and 19th for 3rd basemen. Then Scutaro was 21st for 2nd basemen, 22nd for shortstops and 24th here. Quickly we could surmise, shortstops are light on top, but bigger in the middle and at the end. 3rd basemen are heavy on top and in the middle while light on the end. 2nd basemen are heavy on top, but light in the middle and at the end. Or shortstops are big-booty’d women, 2nd basemen are Playmates and 3rd basemen are the zaftig, voluptuous, BBW or simply Billy Butler. So, that all sounded much better in my head. Anyway, here’s the top 20 3rd basemen for 2013 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Rangers are thinking about calling up big-time prospect, Jurickson Profar.  When I saw that news my eyes did the John Lithgow’s eyes when he sees the gremlin on the wing of the plane in Twilight Zone, The Movie.  Then I started thinking, as I’m wont to do on occasion, Kinsler is on lock, Andrus isn’t going anywhere yet, Beltre and Olt can play 3rd, while Young can butcher all 4 positions and fly the “This guy is the heart of our team” flag.  

Please, blog, may I have some more?