Peter Bourjos was one of my sleeper picks last year, so here we are doing our fantasy baseball 2012 sleeper posts with more of the same? Yawn! Hey, Random Italicized Voice, yawning and sleepers go hand in hand. I’m going to ignore you said that. Probably for the best. You know the Sciosciapath on the top step of the dugout down there in the Los Angeles Suburb of Los Angeles? He loves these players. These Peter Bourjos players. I’d argue — or at least state, as I’m about to do — that he’d give one of ‘these players’ 500 plate appearances even if they’re hitting .220. Alberto Callapso saw 536 plate appearances last year just for rolling out of bed and getting to the ballpark on time to walk The Rally Monkey around the grounds so it didn’t shat in Scioscia’s office. To go further, Bourjos’ glove will keep him in the lineup. Like Michael Bay on a movie set, he’ll have his 500 PAs. With or without Mike Trout, as the slightly-crazy Angel fan karaokes. So that preemptively answers your “What about Mike Trout question?” So what can we expect of Peter Bourjos for 2012 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?
It’s easy to write off Peter Bourjos as a speed-only guy and move on. But where are you moving on to? Is this a metaphorical ‘move on’ like when you go to a bar and put the metaphorical moves on metaphorical ladies? He’s not a speed-only guy. Last year, he had a .167 ISO, which would have him sandwiched between Torii Hunter and Billy Butler — Butler, “Did someone say sandwich?!” Now these two guys aren’t huge power threats, but have some power. Same with Bourjos. If Bourjos can bump up his homers per fly ball, he could get to 17 homers. I know, I know, and if Tom Cruise were taller, he could see the top of Katie Holmes’s head. Know what else those two other players don’t have? 35 steal speed like Bourjos. One year in the minors, he stole 50 bags. That he only stole 22 bases last year is surprising. He should be able to roll out of bed, walk The Rally Monkey for Callaspo and steal 30 bags. Next year, I’ll give him the line of 85/15/50/.255/35 with considerable upside for more speed and a bit more power. Jeepers, creepers how about that sleeper?! Sorry, I’ll never do that again.
Hunter Pence has a patella tendon strain and won’t play until this weekend. Though, more likely, he’s not playing much more in the regular season. Don’t you love H2H leagues? What I don’t understand is how you can fantasy baseball, which is a shizzload more intensive than fantasy football, then leave the end of the season up to luck like it’s fantasy football. I enjoy my one or two H2H leagues, but only because I have ten roto leagues to offset the silly luck factor of H2H. You draft a great team, then your first 5 round picks are sitting out in the finals of H2H? Don’t tell me injuries happen in real baseball playoffs, so this simulates that. Real baseball is played over 162 games, not week to week on who has, say, the most Holds. So I like H2H, but don’t make as if its playoff system makes sense. As for Pence, find someone else to fill in p to the ronto. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Todd Helton – Unlikely to return this season with back issues. It’s probably because when he sits on his bottom, his back can go to the top of its slide. Helton Skelton!
Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-4 with his 24th steal and 3rd steal in his last 4 games. Sure, Rockies, now play Young like he’s a rookie scrub who you’re just feeling out, unsure if he can play in the majors. I hate the Rockies. Today I’m officially starting the trade Eric Young Jr. to the Twins Campaign. Gardy will let Young play and run and the M in MI in MN stands for mess. All money donated to the site will not go to the Eric Young Jr. to the Twins Campaign, but we can pretend it will.
Phil Hughes – Scratched from Wednesday’s start with back issues. I hope he returned the favor to Brian Cashman. That’s how the world works, Phil!
Robinson Cano – Hit his 12th HR in the 2nd half to go along with an AVG near .320. Imagine how much better those stats would be if it weren’t for the HR Derby Win jinx!
Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. In case The Wandwagon isn’t mentioned next week, I just want to say with his 3.51 ERA and decent Ks (164 in 184 2/3 IP) he’s proven once again to be a serviceable fantasy starter without the flash. You’re blue collar, Wandy, and for that I respect you.
Josh Beckett – 7 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks. Done in by two HRs by Mark Reynolds. Maybe Godot had the scouting report on how to get him out.
Matt Garza – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks. It’s an extravaGarza!
Chase Headley – 0-for-2, 1 RBI and a sacrifice. Oh yeah, baby, he’s back!
Anthony Bass – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K in Coors. I’m seriously considering doing a weekly podcast next year and, if I do, the first order of business will be finding someone to compose a Hodgepadre song. In related news, the Rockies are really phoning it in this September.
Tommy Hunter – Left his start with a strained groin. Wouldn’t wanna be near his colander.
John Mayberry Jr. – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs. Yes, the Phillies are phoning it in even worse than the Rockies, but the good thing about a team phoning it in is they’ll play guys like Mayberry every day.
Wilson Ramos – 3-for-3 with his 2nd homer in his last three games. Okay, pop quiz, hotshot! Who’s gonna be more valuable next year, Wilson Ramos or Jesus Montero? Laughably obvious? Or is it?
Brett Lawrie – Out for the year with a fractured finger. First, House doesn’t win at the Emmys, now this.
Dan Haren – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Might miss his last start after being hit by a liner on the wrist. His owners get pist.
Peter Bourjos – 3-for-4 with the slam & legs. Now has 12 homers and 22 steals. Next year he might be my number one “Get this guy in every league” guy. Wouldn’t be surprised to see him get to 15 homers and 40 steals. He’s gonna be Stubbs without the .240 average.
Vernon Wells – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in as many games. Hey, all you need is a short term hot schmotato and at least I’m not recommending Derrek Lee. Oh, wait, a second…
Derrek Lee – 3-for-4 with a homer. Now has three homers in the last 8 days. Grey’s recommending Derrek Lee again, there goes the neighborhood.
Ross Ohlendorf – 2 IP, 7 ER. Now has given up 31 earned runs in 33 and a 1/3 innings with a 1.99 WHIP. Swollendwarf!
Lucas Duda – Left yesterday’s game due to dizziness after crashing into the right field wall. Forget about moving the fences in, the Mets should move the fences back.
Brent Morel – Hit his 4th homer in the last ten games. Brent Morel is looking Septacular!
Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. This doesn’t have much to do with fantasy baseball (like Swollendwarf does), but does anyone else get the feeling that the Ubaldo deadline trade is gonna be one that the Indians look back on in ten years and regret?
Travis Hafner – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in as many games. Pick him up and think about the fun you can have at the end of the season when someone looks at your roster and you have Derrek Lee, Vernon Wells and Hafner. When they ask you how’d you win, you can freak them out by telling them it’s really 2006 and you hope Bob Barker hosts The Price Is Right forever.
Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks. I’m sure you’ll hear more about this when we go over our teams in the offseason, but after we inexplicably dropped Vazquez from our LABR team he’s put up 137 innings, 2.89 ERA, 1.02 WHIP, 9 Wins and 126 Ks. Pretty much would’ve been leading our team from that point on. He’s also been the topic of more discussion on IM between Rudy and I than maybe any other player. Usually goes like this, “F**king Vazquez!” “I know.” “Seriously, f**k him!” “I hate his face.”
Logan Morrison – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last three games. He’s just lucky the minor league season is over so he can’t be demoted.
Bronson Arroyo – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. Oh, no, he’s endangering his Sigh Young chances!
Brandon Phillips – 3-for-4 with his 12th steal. Yesterday, he said the Reds would not receive a “homeboy hookup” with his final contract. Walt Jocketty volleyed back that he just wants to “pay a man his worth and keep it on the heezy.” Phillips then replied through his translator, Barbara Billingsley, that, “The heezy is for sure, but Beezy needs to get the deezy or else he’s gonna Cherokee fade this piece.”
I said three days ago that Brian Wilson was probably headed for a DL stint. And now he’s on the DL. Confession: I’m a time traveler! And not for stocks or gambling Biff-style, I use my foresight for fantasy baseball. To recap what I’ve been saying, I said three days ago that Brian Wilson– Wait, I should recap from a little further back. Ramon Ramirez already has two saves, so that’s who I’d grab first. Affeldt could get some saves, you just need to put up with his annoying duck. Casilla may sneak into the picture, but I wouldn’t go deeper than one of these guys unless you’re very desperate. Though remember closers can smell desperation and you’ll never get any saves like that. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before we get into the roundup, I just wanted to announce that this afternoon there will be announcement. So this is the announcement’s announcement. The pre-nouncement? If you’ve been around the last three Augusts for our announcements, then this shouldn’t come as that huge of announcement. But act surprised anyway, would you please? Anyway II, the roundup:
Jordan Lyles – Was sent to Triple-A. Hope he gets one of their TourBooks. They have so many great coupons!
Alex Rodriguez – 0-for-5 as he returned from the DL. Bee tee dubya, he has 13 homers on the year. Where does he get drafted next year? Fifth round? Sixth? Hasn’t been drafted that low since he started hanging out with his cousin.
Eduardo Nunez – 1-for-4 with a steal. More importantly, he played even as A-Rod returned. Though, I wouldn’t count on that continuing. Jeter DH’d yesterday, but he won’t do that every day.
Curtis Granderson – 1-for-4 with a slam & legs. Now has 35 homers and 24 steals. Is he in the MVP conversation at all?
Derek Holland – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER as Holland gave his owners a Dutch oven.
Tyler Flowers – 2-for-3, 3 runs, has now hit in 6 of 7 games. In one league where we lost Eli Whiteside (yeah, it’s a deep league; no, we didn’t get extra points for owning Whiteside because he sounds like herring), I added Flowers.
Ryan Braun – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI with his 25th and 26th steal. He has no business stealing 26 bases, yet he goes out there and does just that for your fantasy team. How sexy is he? I want his swimsuit calendar.
Casey McGehee – 1-for-4 with his 9th homer. Hasn’t really gotten hot all year, and I still wouldn’t say he is now, but he is hitting near .333 over the last week. That’s McOkayhee.
Tim Hudson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. I haven’t given Hudson much fanfare this year, so here goes. With a 3.01 ERA and a 1.07 WHIP, he’s been my most reliable starter on multiple teams and wish I owned him on every team, which is saying something since his Ks are pretty yawnstipating. Thank you, Tim, for letting me love a non-strikeout pitcher. Though, if you could ramp up the Ks, you’d be really awesome.
Adam Lind – Out with a sore wrist. Should be able to return on Tuesday. Canada waits.
Luis Perez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks and 4 Ks. Late-blooming southpaw that ran up against a good matchup yesterday vs. the A’s. I wouldn’t look at him outside of deep AL-Only leagues. Could get some Ks, will probably get mollywhopped.
Frank Francisco – Scratched with a sore shoulder. Well, stop scratching it! Francisco has actually been decent recently, but if the shoulder’s a problem, it won’t matter. Since Rauch is off seeing a giraffe doctor, Casey Janssen or Shawn Camp would see saves.
Rafael Furcal – Tripped over a rope and sprained his thumb. He should’ve stuck with hopscotch.
Yadier Molina – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers, three this weekend. This had to be more than just the wind blowing out at Wrigley. I’m guessing the entire Molina family, including Alfred, was sitting behind home plate blowing.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER. Um, dubya tee eff? Last week I joked that Cleveland should raise the mound a mile above sea level, but I joke when I don’t think there’s any reason to worry. Now, I’m kinda troubled. Or troubaldo. If he gets beat badly his next time out by the peasant Royals, might be time to discard.
Jacoby Ellsbury – Sat out with a back bruise after being plunked. Eric Plunk, “Someone owes me a nickel!”
Ryan Lavarnway – 2-for-4. Playing DH (do you play it?) which has me concerned. If he only DHs then only pinch hits when Papi returns, will Lavarnway lose his catcher eligibility going into next year? Probably moot since the Sawx will most likely let him start 2012 in the minors. Cust pondering.
Craig Kimbrel – Recorded his 39th save. Has 101 Ks, 1.72 ERA and 1.01 WHIP. Member how Tony Gwynn used to watch hours of pitcher videos while eating donuts? I think Kimbrel watched hours of a young Mariano.
James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 7 ER vs. the Mariners. Huh? I feel like the box score had a typo.
Brandon Belt – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Great, wonderful, gronderful! But he hasn’t been playing every day so you might need to platoon him in and out of your fantasy lineup for right now.
Casper Wells – 2-for-4 with his 10th homer. As all of Casper’s fans boo. BTW, on Saturday I went to this karaoke place and this one guy was awful so I stood near the stage and started booing him. Loudly. He got rattled and started messing up the words (worse), so I booed louder. I got a kick out of it, but apparently he didn’t. He threw down the mic, shouted “Oh, that’s it!” and charged after me. Luckily (for me and my mustache), three bouncers got to him before he got to me.
Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Before this game, I told someone in our fantasy baseball forums that I wouldn’t start Pineda again until he pitched well. Well (stutterer!), this was a decent start.
Nick Blackburn – Left the game with a forearm strain. Maybe it was straining to be a fivearm.
Ben Revere – 1-for-4 with his 2nd game in a row with a steal. SAGNOF!
James McDonald – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. McDonald was then replaced by Grilli. I prefer the McGriddli.
Garrett Jones – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a home run as he continues to stay hot with his 2nd homer in the last five games.
Joel Hanrahan – 2/3 IP, 2 ER. Hanrahanananan is obviously strugglinginginging right now, but his season ERA is still at 1.76 so, ya know, don’t be ungrateful.
Carlos Quentin – Might end up on the DL with a sprained AC joint. That sucks, humidity this time of the year is killer.
Peter Bourjos – 3-for-5 with his third homer of the weekend. I’m telling you right now, there’s gonna be a sleeper post about him sometime in January and I’m gonna go cacacuckoo for him again next year.
Danny Espinosa – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Corspinosa is alive! He tends to be streaky so if he’s out there, I’d give him another chance if you’re hurting with your middle infidel.
Ian Desmond – 2-for-5 as he also homered yesterday. It must’ve been Zombie Day in Nationals Park.
Seth Smith – 1-for-2 with a slam & legs. If someone asked me what’s the bare minimum you should get from your fifth outfielder in a 12 team mixed league, I’d say look at The Lisper’s Nightmare’s stats.
Ivan Nova – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Honestly, I don’t trust him. This start was vs. the Twins who have Plouffe, the guy who sounds like the noise a turd makes when it hits the toilet water, hitting second. If you’re chasing wins, I could see going with Nova, but chasing wins is a losing proposition. (<–Turn of a phrase point!)
Roy Halladay – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Was lifted after a rain delay then Schwimer took over. All I can say is thank God he’s no longer making movies.
Jimmy Rollins – Left the game with a groin injury. Wouldn’t surprise me to see this be a DL stint since the Phils will just want everyone healthy for the playoffs. As Jimmy gets older, maybe he should ease back a little to Strollins.
Ryan Madson – 2/3 IP, 6 ER on Friday. Madson, the Phils already have one Bastardo in the bullpen. Please. Wasn’t used in a save situation on Sunday, which was then blown by Bastardo and followed by Lidge losing the game. I think Madson will be fine, was just a big giant blip.
Matt Wieters – 6 for his last 12 and his 12th homer yesterday. Pretty whatever season from him so far, but if he were to hit five homers in the last month plus, his season would still look a’ight with definite promise for next year. He really needs a big last month though. Either way, I’m still gonna go all in with him next year again, assuming he’s drafted late, which he should be at this rate.
Bobby Parnell – Mets said Izzy will see some saves still, but then Izzy went out on Sunday and gave up one run and on Saturday he gave up 4 runs. They say the 301st save is always the toughest.
If the name Casper Wells doesn’t get you excited, check your pulse. You probably still have one, otherwise I’m not sure how you’re reading this. Are you reading this from beyond the grave? Wow, nothing else to do in the afterlife but read about fantasy baseball? That’s awesome! In Triple-A last year, Casper Wells hit 21 homers and chucked in 7 steals. He’s never been much of an average hitter, hmm, that’s not exactly true. He’s a very average 5th outfielder for fantasy, but he doesn’t hit for much of an average. He fails to take a walk and strikes out a decent amount. Earlier this week, Casper hit the sheets out of the ball, homering in four straight games. That’s obviously the ceiling, but, for some pop (assuming you’re not from Minnesota), I’d grab Casper. BTW, Casper’s cheering section should boo. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Ramon Ramirez – What do you get when you mix a Horacio Ramirez (Hor-Ram) and an Asdrubal Cabrera (As-Cab)? A Man-Ram Ram-Ram — heyo! Casilla could see saves, and Affeldt, and Ram-Ram. Basically, anyone in the Giants bullpen may see saves. I’d grab Ram-Ram first, only because he’s already got a save in Wilson’s stead.
Rafael Betancourt – He’s the closer right now. If that’s the kind of thing that gets your goat, bleat bleat.
Chris Sale – The White Sox want to move Sale into a starting role next year, so, of course, Ozzie sends him out for some saves. Santos is still their closer, but Sale will see some saves, depending on how long the time is between his blinks.
Bobby Parnell – He’s the closer in Metco because Izzy reached the who-knew-it-was-coveted 300 save plateau.
Frank Francisco – All SAGNOF, all the time today, huh?
Stephen Strasburg – I just wrote my Strasburg fantasy. I wrote it while doing a body shot off your sister. She likes mustaches. Blame her.
Randy Wolf – I almost left the Wolfman off the list because I have so little faith in him. He seems as likely to go eight innings in his start tomorrow vs. the Mets as he does going five innings and giving up four runs.
Wade Miley – In Triple-A, he had a 3.64 ERA and 56 Ks in 54 1/3 IP. Yawn, Grey. How about Miley sigh…Bust? I understand, Random Italicized Voice, it doesn’t look good but that was in the hitter-friendly PCL. Where the baseballs are made of helium? Yes, I’d grab Miley in NL-Only leagues and watch in mixed.
Jesus Montero – What is that you’re feeding your horse, Apollo? Hay, Zeus. At some point, Montero is going to get called up and be a huge letdown because of all his freakin’ build up. Should just start calling him The Phantom Menace.
Brandon Belt – He hit two homers the first day after his recall, since then it looks like he should be recalled in the other sense of the word. He still has great promise for a better tomorrow. This message was brought to you by the Committee to Elect Grey Albright for Public Office and Stop Whoever Keeps Vandalizing the L Out of the Word Public.
Lucas Duda – In the last seven Duda Duda days, he has two homers while batting .292.
Brandon Allen – The man who sounds like a furniture store has been hitting with the A’s and playing every day sofa, but to couch my comments I’m not sure it’ll continue.
Johnny Giavotella – Playing 2nd base for the peasant Royals and running like crazy, and by crazy I mean not always successfully. Fist pump!
Jimmy Paredes – Speaking of middle infidels that can get you steals, Paredes had 29 steals in Double-A (with a yawnstipating caught stealing percentage, but whatever). He’s playing 3rd every day for the Astros. Welcome to the Dominican Republican Paredes, My Chemical Romance.
Darwin Barney – The Purple Evolutionist is hitting again as he did in the beginning of the season when he gave a little bit of everything except power and speed.
Ryan Raburn – “He’s hitting so much…” Match Game audience response, “How much is he hitting?” He’s actually hitting, that’s how much. Remind me next year that Raburn’s big 2nd half isn’t a sign that a big 1st half in 2012 is coming.
Delmon Young – The other day I went over my Delmon Young fantasy. I wrote it while applying deodorant in an Arby’s bathroom.
Peter Bourjos – If you were to hold Tabata and Bourjos’s season stats next to each other, it would be like Adam Sandler in Jack and Jill, which looks like it might be the worst comedy ever made by a non-Wayan.
Jose Tabata – See 1/8th of an inch above.
Garrett Jones – 41/14/46/.247/5 is his line so far this year. That’s the line that, uh, draws the line between serviceable in NL-Only and mixed leagues.
Ben Revere – He has 21 steals so far this year and he’s hitting leadoff every day for the Twins, who need to run. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Revere get to 35 steals by the end of the year. The steals are coming, the steals are coming!
Nate Schierholtz – He’s currently hitting, but, and maybe this is just me, on teams where I own Schierholtz, I have a hard time looking at my team with the lights on.
SELL
Michael Pineda - I love Ks as much as the next guy, potentially more, but at some point you gotta stop the bleeding. Pineda’s ERA in July was 6.75 and it’s 6.55 in August. He’s young, wearing down, yadda3. We’ll grab him again next year, don’t worry.
Carlos Beltran – People are dropping Beltran like Pat Burrell drops flies, and I understand it. Aging vet, bad ballpark and now has a hand injury. Even when he returns, I don’t have much hope for him.
Jason Kubel – Frankly, no relation to Cliff, Kubel isn’t that exciting when he’s hitting, and he has not been hitting anything the whole season. Kinda like the entire Twins offense.
Jason Bay – He has 9 homers, 10 steals and a .239 average on the year. Now I want you to look deep in your soul to answer this next question, would you own him if his name was Crappy McCrapstein?
Todd Helton – We’re cleaning out your father’s fantasy team’s closets today, huh? To preemptively answer your question, I’d go with Carp over Helton. And Morneau (and we know how much I like him). And Moreland. And Jesus Guzman. Okay, I’d go with a lot of guys over Helton. If you think I’m crazy, you may want to check to make sure you’re not watching Sportscenter on ESPN Classic.
Let’s change the way we eat, let’s change the way we live and let’s change the Twins closer. Joe Nathan is now the closer with two saves this weekend. As I kinda said last week, Matt Capps was pitching so bad, he picked up Joe Nathan in his fantasy league. And that’s me paraphrasing me! Since Joe Nathan and Ron Gardenhire met on match.com many years ago, their relationship has blossomed from heated affair to full blown love. They’re even Facebook official. Assuming Nathan doesn’t cough up five leads in the matter of a week, he should have the closer job for the rest of the season. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Scott Baker – Placed on the DL with a muscle strain in his elbow, but is only supposed to miss one more start. Mr. Baker also sounds like a Clue character. Speaking of which, Clue has been updated, which makes me feel old. There’s no more conservatory or lead pipe. Now it’s shizz like, “Colonel Mustard in the spa with the trophy.” I guess a lead pipe was too scary sounding. So murdering someone with a common object like a trophy isn’t scary? Also, Colonel Mustard in a spa? He’s a decorated officer! Clue, that’s a fail with a hashtag.
Ryan Braun – Has no get up and go because he had da calf on ice. Could be back on Monday.
John Axford – K-Rod waived his option so the Brewers could use him in any capacity, which is north of tenacity. So the Brewers chose to use K-Rod to setup Axford this weekend. “I beat up my father-in-law over much less.” Right now, you have to hold both K-Rod and Axford, but it looks like Axford is the first choice.
Jose Reyes – Supposed to return on Tuesday. I’ll believe it when I see it. “Grey, you have no faith in medicine.” That’s Jack White reading Razzball.
Jason Isringhausen – The Mets said it would be a closer by committee. Is anything done better by committee besides jerk seasoning, which is flavor by committee? Mets also said Isringhausen would get first crack, but I still believe that’s to raise his trade value.
Blake Beavan – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. Has a pretty hideous K-rate, i.e., Blake not so lively. Also, Bedard’s either going to take his rotation spot or he’s going to pitch in Fenway next.
Mike Carp – Was recalled on Sunday. No relation to Mike Trout. Carp hit 21 homers in 65 games in the PCL, which is like hitting with an aluminum bat on the moon. He also doesn’t have guaranteed playing time. Obviously he’s worth a flyer right now in AL-Only leagues.
Matt Harrison – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Harrison now has an ERA of 2.91, my sweet lord. I wouldn’t pick him up because of his walks and lack of Ks, but he proves the theory that the best spot starter is the pitcher facing the Mariners in Safeco (followed closely by the Padres in Petco).
Shaun Marcum – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks and the win in Coors. Kind of start I really don’t mind being sonavabenched on. Marcum also left with a stiff neck, but he just got a Viagra stuck in his throat and should be fine for his next start.
Kyle Kendrick – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 0 Ks. I wouldn’t pick him up with your team.
Ryan Madson – 2/3 IP, 1 ER. Madson always seems to struggle when it’s being reported that he could lose his job in the near future. Stop watching Lifetime movies in the bullpen and cowboy up!
Chase Utley – 0-for-4 with his 9th steal, but only has 4 homers on the year. To fix his knee, did the doctors attach his arms to hips and put his legs on his shoulders?
Josh Beckett – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 0 walks and 6 Ks vs. Jeff Niemann (8 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 2 walks, 10 Ks). Lower the mound! Beckett’s obviously an ace this year. As for Neimann, I don’t trust him because of his usually pedestrian K-rate, but this was obviously a great start against a tough team, which followed his great start vs. the Yankees. He gets the Royals and A’s next.
Alex Presley – 3-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 4th steal. Jose Tabata who?! Um, the guy that’s going to return and take Presley’s spot. Yeah, I’m not sure how this is gonna shake out yet, but that doesn’t mean you can’t grab Presley in the mean’s while.
Brett Gardner – 3-for-4, 3 runs and 2 steals. Since May 1st, he’s hitting .318 with 22 steals. Cust kayin’.
Phil Hughes – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Hasn’t gone more than 90 pitches in any start this year. Cashman must be fine-tuning Joba Rules. Guess it’s better than Pavano Rules, which was hit Pavano over the head with a blunt object and bury him in the Pine Barrens.
Travis Snider – 2-for-4 and a steal. Hitting over .400 in the last week with three steals in the last 4 games. Russell Martin says, “You’re welcome.”
Zack Cozart – 2-for-4, hitting .400 since his call up and yesterday he homered. See, the Reds didn’t even need to go to the free clinic to rid themselves of their bad case of the Renteria’s.
Homer Bailey – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks and Bailey didn’t get hurt. It’s an early Christmas miracle!
Felipe Paulino – 7 Ip, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks. That’s eight baserunners and eight Ks, not infinity. Though it may as well be for Paulino.
Grady Sizemore – Day-to-day with a knee contusion. His career trajectory is the exact opposite of everyone else who has ever taken nude photos of themselves.
Matt Wieters – 2-for-4 with a homer off Frank Herrmann. When I saw Herrmann’s last name, it made me think of one of those spray painted, graffiti shirts you and your significant other got when you were fifteen. I wonder if his wife has an Indians jersey with the last name, Hisgirl.
Nick Punto – His elbow is forcing him out for the year. Sounds like his elbow probably owns Punto in fantasy.
Chase Headley – Might need an MRI on Monday for his calf. BTW, what do you call Padre hitters that you only own in deep leagues? Deep Friars.
Danny Espinosa – 3-for-5 with his 17th homer and just missed his 18th. Anyone that has doubts about him hasn’t seen him swing the bat. On a side note, Davey Johnson came out to argue the just miss was a home run and he looks like one of those computer-aged photos of what JFK would look like now. One small step for the Nats, I suppose.
Tom Gorzelanny – Variety reported he was ankled from his start.
Jair Jurrjens – 5 IP, 6 ER as the Fangraphs Database laughed maniacally.
Mike Stanton – Hit two home runs on Saturday to bring his season total to 20. I say he hits 40+ homers next year, assuming the Mayans are wrong and there is a next year. “Why are we buying a new calender?” That’s a young Mayan talking to his elder in December.
Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-4, 2 runs. Emily Boneface has the highest OBP for a leadoff hitter, has stolen 6 bases in the last week, has a 16-game hitting streak and calculated pi to 2.7 trillion decimal places.
Hanley Ramirez – 2-for-4 with a satisfying slam & legs. Hitting .383 in July with 4 homers and 2 steals. Jack McKeon just knows how to talk to the kids!
Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners (no walks), 10 Ks. That’s as impressive as I’ve seen Vazquez this year. If he’s available in any leagues, I’d get on board for his next start vs. the Padres.
Vladimir Guerrero – To the DL with a small fracture in his hand after being hit by a pitch. Orioles knew there was something wrong when Vlad saw a pitch and didn’t swing the bat.
David Aardsma – Went for Tommy John surgery. In related news, Tommy John is collecting nickels for all the times he’s mentioned. “Who needs the Hall of Fame? I got nickels, snitches!”
Peter Bourjos – To the DL, but Trout looks pretty overmatched so far. Might want to look elsewhere. In keepers, you obviously ignore early results.
Jeff Keppinger – 3-for-5 and Blanco Polanco now has homers in back-to-back games. He’s like jarred salsa; he’s not very hot, but he’ll still give you indigestion.
Matt Downs – Out while his wife, Leah, has a child. Yes, her name is Leah Downs. I’d say!
Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. He’s always brilliant at home. BTW, realizing that every good pitching park ends in co — Petco, Safeco, Metco — Oakland’s stadium now goes by O.co, which I’m not even sure how to pronounce. How about, “What the eff.co?” Senior exec, “Corporate’s coming down hard on us to rebrand ourselves.” Junior exec, “How about a name that no one can pronounce?” Senior exec, “I’m gonna tell our boss that just so you’re fired, Stevens!” Later that day, Boss, “A name we can’t pronounce? That’s crazy enough to work!”
