This post comes to you by the power of Greyskull! I have the power! The power of Greyskull dropped Justin Masterson earlier in the year after one bad start. I have a power outage! Then the power of Greyskull watched as the power of Rudyskull picked him up and has been reaping the rewards ever since, but the power of Rudyskull benched Masterson yesterday, so the power of Greyskull let out a small, fleeting smile. Yesterday, Masterson threw a complete game shutout. He’s been great all year with a 9+ K-rate. Yadda, yadda eff me. Just above him on the K-rate chart is a who’s who of the pitchers you want: F-Her, Sale, Samardzija, Miller, Harvey, Yu, Scherzer, etc. etc. etc. He also has one of the worst walk rates in that group (not bad overall, just in that group), which will hold Masterson out of the top tier of pitchers this year, but will make him ownable in all leagues and why the power of Greyskull failed me. I wonder if Skeletor is hiring. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I have no idea of how to tie in one of the most famous AHnold soundboard choices, but like last weeks selection of ANIMAL!, I really don’t need a reason. I have established this, and it feels good to make said establishment. I also have no idea what we’re are still doing here, playing in these deep leagues. Sometimes I panic that I won’t have anything to write about, and then I remember, there’s always money in the banana stand. No, wait, that doesn’t make any sense. Ah, yes. We’ll always have Humberto Quintero to talk about. The fantasy catching equivalent of seppuku. And guess what? I haven’t even typed a player blurb on Tom Gorzelanny yet, so exciting times indeed! God, shoot me now.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Okay, sue me for Safecoexual Erasment, but I need some Erasmo Ramirez right now. Who is stopping him? Joe Saunders, The Harangutan or is it Jeremy Bonderman? Whips and chains excite me, but Bonderman does absolutely nothing for me. The tantric Mariners will eventually succumb to an Erasm. They have to. They are pleasure seekers like all of us fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!). Ewww, just got the shudders talking about my mom with all of these double entendres. “Grey, your moostasha is full, but I don’t like this dirty word talk!” That’s my mom fresh off the boat from Sicily. Ramirez has an under 2 BB/9 and over 9 K/9 in Triple-A this year, and he’s not an out of the blue pitcher or without major league seasoning. Last year with the M’s, he threw 59 IP with a 3.36 ERA and an even 1.00 WHIP. There was even talk he’d start the year in the Mariners rotation, until he got injured. He’s fully healthy right now and blowing people away, biding his time for entry into the M’s rotation. Looking for that pitcher that could be this year’s Kris Medlen? Look no further! Unless, of course, you’re looking about 3 inches short of your computer screen, then look a little further. What does the Buysellatops think? It doesn’t think; it’s a dinosaur! I realize Erasmo pronounced backwards is, “I’m sorry,” but he won’t disappoint. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Greetings! It is I, Tehol Beddict, back again with more H2H and points League advice. You might ask yourself, “How are these posts any different than the regular fantasy posts?” Well for one, I write them, so they have a different perspective for you. For two, I am known as one of the 5 greatest head to head fantasy baseball players in the United States so I have credentials that literally only 4 other men/women can say they have. And for 3, don’t you dare ever think to ask yourself that question again. Take heed, for you shall benefit fantasy wise and even more importantly, have an enjoyable reading experience with America’s one and only model/fantasy writer. Come now sirs, let me service you.Please, blog, may I have some more?
For all you Jersey kids out there, yesterday’s game title is, “Holland Tunnels Yanks.” For all you Jersey kids out there who have been stuck in traffic in the Holland Tunnel on a hot day, “Holland Dutch Ovens the Yankees.” For all of you history nerds, “Holland Takes Back New Amsterdam.” By the way, I’d be surprised if I was the first person who thought of this, but I’ve never heard it before, so here goes: What is New Jersey shaped like? Kid from Kid ‘n Play. It is totally rocking the flat-top. Right? Damn, I totally would’ve failed me a Rorschach test. So Derek Holland put two peaches together yesterday and made a plum of a start with the line: 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 Hits, 2 BBs and 7 Ks. Holland is what he is, which is a decent 3rd to 4th fantasy starter. The Stream-o-Nator predicted this beaut. Know why? The Yankees aren’t good usually (23rd overall for OPS), but are hideous vs. lefties (27th overall). These aren’t your slightly older brother’s Yankees. Right now, George Steinbrenner is rolling over in his grave, though that is partially because he was facing Billy Martin. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
After stealing only 3 bases in all of 2012, Peter Bourjos met that mark in the past ten games. It seems as though his hamstring is just fine,and despite hitting in the bottom of the lineup for the Angels, he is producing runs. More importantly for the purpose of this column, he appears to have the green light and hasn’t been caught stealing yet, either. If you’d like, we can pretend that last year never happened and just look at his 22 steals in 147 games back in 2011 to get an idea of what he might be able to pull off the rest of this season. Last week, I pointed to the fact that I’d rather roster a leadoff hitter when looking for steals, at which point Cholly Manuel promptly shoved Ben Revere into the seventh spot in the Phillies’ lineup and he stole 3, count’em 3 bags. Thanks for proving my point, Cholly! So lineup position be damned, feel free to ride Bourjos to SAGNOF glory. He’ll draw the Tigers and Astros this week. While you’re here, check out some of this week’s other available speedsters.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Ike Davis could return next weekend. In other words, he’s moved one step closer to the plate in Metco. It only took him three months. He reminds me of myself in Little League. I was a solid .300, top of the order-type. People would marvel at how I would never strikeout. More Placido Polanco than Joey Votto, if those guys weren’t in Little League themselves at the time. Then I got beaned and I lost my nerve. Started standing five feet off the plate, not even able to reach the inside corner, and would bail out of the batter’s box as the pitcher wound up. That led me on a journey of self-discovery through girls, drugs, the falling baseball card market, fro-yo and hip-hop. So, I’m glad to see Ike has figured things out and won’t be joining the already overcrowded fantasy baseball blog market. Since there’s no mention of Ike being a scared little girl (with respect to our four girl readers), I have no idea why he didn’t just move closer to the plate three months ago. But he has now. There’s a chance he’s just as bad on recall, but I’d absolutely take a flyer on Davis if I had room in any league. A .255 hitter that could hit 20 homers (which he did last year in the 2nd half) in 3 months doesn’t grow on trees (except in remote parts of Indonesia). Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
We are halfway through the fantasy season and it’s another week, another closepocalypse. Didn’t Smokey predict this back in March?! Andrew Bailey’s job was outsourced, Jose Valverde was sent packing, Heath Bell is absolutely stuffed and the Mariners closer by committee is as uncertain as a child’s bottom. That’s a straight up Ulysses quote my literate homies. SAGNOF! While in the real baseball world it has become quite obvious that saves are overrated, in our fake baseball world closers are one of those necessary evils. Kind of like root canals and prostate exams. Fortunately, I get both taken care of at the same place. One-stop shopping. Thanks ObamaCare! While closers can be a pain in the fanny perpendicular, I’m not one to punt a category. Even one as frustrating as the save. Who invented this dastardly stat? Apparently the dean of baseball beat writer’s, Jerome Holtzman is to blame. He invented the save in 1959. There wasn’t much to do in the late 50’s except “like Ike” and cower in the bomb shelter with a tin of beans and a deck of nudie cards. According to Razzball historian Paulie Allnuts, the very next year the term “Sagnoff” was first uttered by one Winston Greystone Albright II after drafting Moe Drabowsky with his first pick in the inaugural drunken fantasy draft at The White Horse Tavern in New York’s West Village. An ‘ol fashioned donnybrook soon ensued, but not a mustache was harmed according to reports. Thanks Paulie. This week let’s run down some candidates for saves that just could mean the difference between fantasy glory and fantasy defeat. Time to jam it or cram it. Dr. Pfister, I’m ready for my… Do you really need to wear the dive watch?Please, blog, may I have some more?
The love has been sucked out of the room for Justin Upton. His fantasy value went skydiving. After it went Rocky Mountain climbing. He went from totally chic to totally geek in 2.7 seconds on the back of a bull named “You, Man, Are Phooey.” (Where I grew up bulls had thoroughbred-like horse names.) If we can all remember back to April, with her freckles– Oh, wait, was thinking of the wrong April. I meant the month. *embarrassed Lisa Simpson giggle* In April, Upton look the world by the nuts and put a roof over every homeless person’s head. Turned out that those roofs were just sheets of matzoh and they got soggy during a rain-out in May. May you’re supposed to bring flowers! Upton’s HR/FB in April wasn’t maintainable (38.7%) and his badonkadonks flattened. He’s also not a 1 homer per month guy. On our last 30-day Player Rater, he has a -$7 value. That’s the same as Sugar Shane Robinson and Pedro Flori-none and Lyle Overbite. That’s not even near Upton’s value. His owners are panicked. Was Upton a one month guy? If he’s healthy, he’s not. He’s just slumping. This is a guy that regularly touched .800 OPS and is now barely cracking .550. I see no reason why he can’t be a 5-homer, .280 hitter every month for the rest of the year with a handful of steals. If someone has him and is sick from his roller coaster ride, I’d strap myself in sans barf bag and trade for him. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Oh there’s a shindig goin down in Miami ya’ll! Part of me feels like I should hop on the next flight down there bringing only my man-kini, penis pump, rabbit-fur coat, white Stacy Adams, one pair of snakeskin pants, and 3 Armani Exchange bro-tops. My manhood has been requested back in Miami now for some time and with my favorite player, LeBron “The High King” James, leading his Miami Heat to back-to-back Championships, I can’t think of an acceptable reason to say no. Especially when I think about the time Pat Riley and I, Chinese finger trapped Chris Bosh’s wife. A$$ for days playas! By the way, Bosh scored 0 points in game 7.Please, blog, may I have some more?