Fantasy Baseball Advice

Brian Duensing went seven innings with no earned runs, 11 baserunners and 6 Ks.  I almost started him, but he was going vs. the A’s and they’ve hurt me so many times this year.  I think I owned the losing pitcher for every one of their wins.  The rest of the way, Duensing gets the Tigers twice and the Royals once.  Not terrible starts.  The Tigers hitting isn’t as good as their record and the Royals, well, ya know.  Duensing probably won’t provide you with a ton of Ks, but he has solid control and a last name that sounds like an Indonesian prison.  (BTW, his last name may only sound like that because of my new favorite TV show, Locked Up Abroad.  Next time I go abroad, I’m not even going to mule in any exotic fruit.  BTW II, instead of mule, shouldn’t they call these smugglers jackasses?  I apologize to any of our drug dealing readers.  You know who you are.)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

B.J. Upton – Didn’t played for three games, then returned to go 0-for-3 in the 2nd game of yesterday’s doubleheader as the Rays fade from the playoff picture.  In September, the Rays have the 2nd worst Run total while batting .214.  Good to know for match ups.

Brad Lidge – You’re the manager of the Phils, let’s call you, Charlie Manuel.  So you’re “Charlie Manuel” and you have a 5-2 lead going into the ninth vs. one of the worst lineups.  Do you go to your ramshackle closer to try to build his confidence or do you go to ramshackle setup man-turned-closer or do you interrupt Brett Myers, who’s in the middle of boxing a kangaroo?  You go to Lidge, who nearly blows the save, and avoid Madson who blew the save on Saturday.

Ryan Madson – For the Phils nightcap, they decided to go with a less-aged scotch and gave Madson the save.

Pedro Martinez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 Ks, then he poured out an eyedropper for the dwarfs who weren’t there.

Kyle Davies – 6 IP, 7 baserunners (one hit).  He gets the White Sox next.  It’s not an ideal match-up, but Davies has now thrown four solid starts in a row and shut out the White Sox the last time he faced them in Chicago.

Pete Orr – HR yesterday.  He can cross that off his bucket list.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-5 yesterday, 4-for-4 on Saturday.  Tomorrow… lassoing the moon!

Paul Maholm – 8 IP, 0 ER.  It’s not a September run in the H2H playoffs unless you’re starting guys you don’t trust.  Maholm gets the Padres next.

Lance Berkman – HR yesterday and his third in the last four games.  Waco my airplane…

Tommy Hunter – 9 IP, 2 ER.  And the Rangers are in the top half of the league in pitching.  Zoinks!

Chris Carpenter – 6 IP, 7 ER.  Sorry to talk real baseball, but this start might’ve cost him the Cy Young.

Derrek Lee – Hit his 32nd homer yesterday.  After a terrible April and a yawnstipating May, he hit a random homer in June and I said, “Now has his average up to .253.  I know, big whoop!  But, and I might be alone on this island, I think he’s got a month or two hot streak in him.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Turned out he had about a four month hot streak in him.  Unfortunately, the steals have completely vanished from his game.

Torii Hunter – HR yesterday.  Since I’m looking down at my nuggets to offer up nuggets, when he was at 17/13 on July 3rd, I said, “My gratuity calculator is telling me if you own Hunter, you’ve gotten more production from him than you will if you continue to hold him.” He’s now at 21/16.  So he’s gone 4/3 since early July.  That’s like one week from Robot Jones.

Mark Buehrle – 7 IP, 2 ER.  After his rough stretch following his perfect game, he seems to be settling down.  He gets the Royals next.

Kendry Morales – 1-for-3, No reason to talk about him here, but this caught my eye.  He’s been caught stealing 7 times and he’s been successful one time.  Elias Sports Bureau said this is the most caught stealings for a guy who shouldn’t be running in the first place.  Actually, they didn’t say that, but something that was overheard this week in the Elias Sports Bureau compound, “For the first time ever, Natalie, in stats research, had a nervous breakdown when Jim, in Human Resources, refused her Mafia Wars invitation.”

Russell Martin – Back to back games now with homers.  Nice of Martin to show in mid-September.

Chad Billingsley – 4 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners vs. the Giants, who are just barely above the Padres as the worst offensive team in the league.  Oh, Billingsley.

Juan Uribe – HR yesterday.  If you need MI pop, he’s poppin’.

Jake Peavy – Thinks he can return by this weekend vs. the Royals.  He said yesterday, “The stamina was definitely better, the sharpness of everything (that can easily beat the Royals), the fastball command (that will strike out Royal hitters), the breaking ball (that the Royals hitters won’t be able to hit), so I’ll be ready to get in a game (versus the Royals) sometime soon.”

Hideki Matsui – 3-for-5, HR, 5 RBIs yesterday.  When he got home, his wife congratulated him.  She’s very animated.

Derek Jeter – 3-for-5, 3 Runs.  Big weekend for Jeter as he passed Gehrig’s Yankee hit record.  Now he only has one hallowed Yankee record left, the Most Times He Has To Defend A-Rod Without Actually Defending Him Only To Later Write A Book Defaming Him.  Record currently held by Joe Torre.

Tim Lincecum missed yesterday’s start vs. the Padres (there goes that 14 K start) and gave way to the Giants big-time rookie pitching prospect, Madison Bumgarner.  Lincecum should be back by this weekend.  A detailed Madison Bumgarner outlook can be found where it says, “Madison Bumgarner outlook.”  (Yeah, still haven’t figured out how to naturally link to something.  I feel like Buzz Bissinger.  Bleh!  What are these things you call links?  Bleh! Actually, that sounds more like The Count.)  So one in for Mad-Bum, and no harm done.  5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 Ks.  I think he can supplant Joe Martinez in the rotation.  He sure as heckfire has a better name… Go with Jose at least, geez.  Bumgarner will have value in all leagues down the stretch if he has a rotation spot.  He’s risky, but in the NL West and with his stuff, well worth a look in mixed leagues.  In keepers, pursue him aggressively.  He’s real and he’s spectacular.  I expect he’ll take the David Price route next year.  Start in the minors, then get the call in June.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brad Lidge – Prior to getting removed from a save situation for Madson, Manuel said that Lidge will remain the Phils closer.  HA!!!  Sorry.  Lidge hasn’t been a closer in three months.  Are they freakin’ kidding me?  Lidge is pitching like he’s wearing contacts that bear Pujols’s face.  Please, someone tie Lidge to a bed and break his ankles to put him out of his misery.

Alex Gordon – He returns from his Triple-A stint.  A lot has been made of his trip to the minors.  (Because of the minors stint, he’ll be under contract through 2013.)  People are saying the Royals pulled a low move to delay free agency.  Um, and Gordon’s done something to stay in the majors?  At this rate, he may not be a major leaguer by 2013.  Though, February Grey still will probably find a way to talk him up for next year.

Pedro Martinez – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Not great vs. the Nats, but I would’ve taken it over the roofie-ing I took from Carlos Torres.  Don’t worry, I’ll get to that.

Raul Ibanez – 3-for-4 with 2 HRs yesterday.  I swear, after three months of homer sobriety from Ibanez, I was a twitch away from pulling the trigger on him.  Now, he’s hot.  Someone was looking out for me.  They obviously didn’t care enough to warn me about Carlos Torres.  Fantasy baseball, because every day stress is not enough.

Carlos Torres – 2/3 IP, 5 ER vs. the A’s.  I hate you, Carlos Torres.  I swore off rookie pitchers earlier this year because of a start by Hochevar vs. the A’s.  Why do the A’s hate me?  Someone, help!  I was roofied and I’m hemorrhaging from the A’s.

Julio Borbon – 2 HRs yesterday and a steal.  Someone’s been talking to Drew Stubbs.

Elvis Andrus – 2 steals yesterday.  If you need steals, maybe he’s running now, cause he hadn’t been.

Frank Francisco – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Kazaam!

Nick Swisher – 2 HRs yesterday.  Hitting over .300 in the last seven games with 3 homers.

Evan Longoria – Has 5 homers in the last 8 games and is hitting near .500 in his last seven games.  H2H teams rostering Longoria tip their caps.

Garrett Jones – Hit his 19th homer yesterday.  If I didn’t see it myself, I wouldn’t have believed it, but after Robot Jones hit his homer, he elevated five inches off the ground to allow wheels to slide out from his cleats and he rolled around the bases.

Dustin Pedroia – This might be Scrappy Doo’s first appearance in a daily roundup this year.  Well, anyway, he hit two homers yesterday against the Orioles’ Double-A pitching.

Felix Pie – 0-for-3, and 2 for his last 13.  I think he’s back to being lame.

Carlos Beltran – Returned with a 1-for-4.  Now he has three weeks to hit 35 homers and steal 20 bases.  Or if he just outproduced Angel Pagan, that would be nice, too.

Cameron Maybin – You’re going to hear about every positive thing he does until next year.  Yesterday, he hit a homer.

Nate McLouth – Hit his 2nd homer since he returned.  This is a hunch, but I think he realizes he has three weeks to make his season’s stats look somewhat palatable.

Manny Parra – Left the game with neck spasms.  Manny, you don’t watch the ball off the bat.  That’s how you get a crick in your neck.

Mat Gamel – Was recalled.  But McGehee’s got the corner locked down like Marlo Stanfield.

Corey Hart – Is back from the DL.  He says he wants to steal bases.  I have no idea if he’s lying.  I couldn’t see his eyes through his sunglasses.

Chris Davis – 3-for-4 with a HR in yesterday’s nightcap.  In the, uh, daycap he went 0-for-5.

Michael Brantley – He’s stealing bases.  You know you wanna.  Go ahead, pick him up.

Franklin Gutierrez – Hit his 16th homer yesterday.  The Big FraGu’s having a better year than Carlos Beltran, Grady Sizemore and Josh Hamilton.  Cust kayin’.

Matt Murton – Called up by the Rockies.  Score this a victory for the National Association for the Advancement of Gingy People.  But the NAAGP won’t rest until Murton gets playing time, so there will be a lot of late nights for them.

J.A. Happ – His strained oblique is still vaguely hurting and will miss another start.

Jeff Baker – The pride of Bad Kissingen, West Germany went 3-for-4 yesterday as he hits near .400 in the last week.

Jake Fox – Piniella hates him.  Bobby Scales?  Sam Fuld?  They sound like the bassist and drummer for the Cubs’ heavy metal band, Quite The Riot.

In this corner — BJ Upton.  In that corner — expectations.  Should be TKO with BJ clobbering expectations.  Not sure what happened on the way to September, but he hasn’t been right all season.  Maybe he’s hiding an injury.  But that was last season’s excuse.  This season he was supposed to make good on his cortisone-induced playoffs show that had every classy waitress in Tampa standing at attention from their chest.  Well, didn’t happen.  I still think there’s time and I’m excited about him next year (again!).  But until then, he’s now dealing with an ankle sprain.  I’m sure he comes back.  But at what?  87.7 percent?  You need 100% from this schmohawk.  Oh, and at 100%, he’s given you 2 homers and 8 steals with a near-.220 average since July 1st.  If there’s better options, I’d consider looking elsewhere.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Franklin Morales – Huston Street made it to September without an injury.  Mazel tov, my friends in Brooklyn.  It was a deed no one thought Street capable of in March.  Now he’s suffering from an arm issue.  Rafael Betancourt’s the righty, Franklin Morales is the lefty.  When in doubt, I go with the righty.  But the Rockies obviously got word that Betancourt is a Cuddle Boy, so they’re calling Morales the closer.

Jarrod Washburn – You guys had a good run.  Okay, it wasn’t that good.  But it’s over now.  He’s sucking on the suckhole and the Tigers are skipping him in the rotation.

Carlos Torres – 7IP, 0 ER, 6 Ks. He has a decent amount of Ks in the minors.  I’m not saying to grab him everywhere, but in some deeper leagues, I could see it where you need Ks because batters won’t be familiar with him.  He also walks a ton of guys, so be very careful.  He’s capable of a Spud from Trainspotting type defecation.

Michael Brantley – First steal (and caught stealing).  Nice to see him running.  He should continue to do so.  If not, we have people we can talk to to get him running again.  *wink wink* *nudge nudge* *hand under armpit making farting noises*

Fausto Carmona – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post.

John Smoltz – 6 IP, 4 ER.  Six innings and four earned is the line you get when you take a pitcher who shouldn’t go more than five innings more than five innings.  Or maybe he decided to tip his pitches again.  In fairness, Lugo bobbled a ball that should have been a double play then the wheels came off.

Jorge Posada – 4-for-5 and his 20th homer yesterday, while batting .288 on the season.  The Jetstream may be doing wonders, but he’s going into territory where he may be overrated next season.

Alfredo Aceves – Middle man who won his 10th game of the season yesterday.  Randy Wolf has 29 starts, 110 extra innings and 9 Wins.  Cust kayin’.

Cameron Maybin – 2-for-3 yesterday as he started, while Hermida deals with a strained intercostal (isn’t that a highway in Florida?).  Maybin should see time this weekend.

Marc Rzepczynski – Shutdown for the season.  And just when I figured out how to spell his last name.

Pedro Martinez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks.  Okay, never saw this game coming, but still a very solid effort sans dwarf.

Casey McGehee - Now has three homers in the last four games.  He’ll be discussed in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  You lucky you!

Jon Garland – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 Ks vs. his old team, the Diamondbacks.  So this is what other pitchers were talking about!

Orlando Hudson – Losing time to Ronnie Belliard.  Ouch.

Mark Reynolds – 1-for-4 with 3 Ks.  He now has 11 Ks in the last five games.  Obviously, I have much love for Reynolds this year, but this is the kind of stretch I worry about happening that would give me pause next year when people are going to be drafting him in the top 50 players overall.  When he was priced at an average draft pick of 175, it was much more reasonable.  Though I hope he turns it around and finishes this season strong so no one’s scared away for next year.  Muahahahahaha…

Hanley Ramirez – Missed another game because of his strained hamstring.  Then Uggla called him a faker.

Carlos Beltran – Hopes to return next week.  Wait until he sees what the Mets have done with the team!

Angel Pagan – 3-for-4 yesterday, hitting near .400 over the last week with one homer and one steal.  Maybe Pagan made a deal with the devil. (Pun point for Grey.)

Clint Barmes – Hit his 22nd homer.  Bar-MESS has 5 hits in his last ten games and two homers.  18 hits in August and he had 7 homers.  He’s a Jesse Barfield-Marcus Thames hybrid, the Barmes.

When doctors said Aaron Harang is going to have a useless part of his body removed, everyone in the Reds clubhouse thought the same thing, “What is Willy Taveras doing in Harang’s body?”  If Dusty were a doctor, he would left Harang’s appendix in a few more innings.  The appendectomy will force Harang to the DL for the rest of the season.  Too bad, the Reds just traded for Rolen and things were really starting to come together.  Feel free to cut Harang.  He’s done-zo.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Dickerson – Headed to the DL with a whatever-you-don’t-care.  What you do care about, the Reds might call up Chris Heisey.  He’ll be talked about in the afternoon post where I break down the potential September call-ups.

Adam Jones – He hurt his back while swinging the bat.  He’s been terrible so far in August and now it sounds like he’ll be missing a few games at least.  Cue an awkward dancing Michael Douglas, Kathleen Turner and Danny Devito and turn on the Billy Ocean…

Scott Downs – Returns from the DL on Monday.  Will he be the closer?  Here’s what Gaston said, “I’m not sure about closing. I’m not sure about that. We’ll see how it goes. If he got here tomorrow and I said we’re going to stick him in the closer’s spot right away, I’m not sure if that’s fair to him either.”  That is both wishy and washy.

Mark Reynolds – DNP with a 100-degree temperature.  Get well soon, Mini Donkey!

Carlos Gonzalez – Out for up to a week after he cut his hand while cutting a piece of steak.  Can’t they get Spilborghs to cut up his meat for him?  After Barmes’s vension accident a few years ago, maybe the Rockies should go vegetarian during the summer months.  Or only use chopsticks.  Crab rangoon is delicious!

Seth Smith – With CarGo’s inability to handle a knife, Smith might see some short term time.  He also has 2 homers in the last three games.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 8 IP, 2 ER, 9 Ks.  If you owned only Rockie pitchers, you’d probably be doing better than you are in your leagues.  Zoinks!

Fausto Carmona – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks.  He’s actually had a full month of decent starts.  Not great, decent.  Check your modifiers, Razzball reader.

Jhonny Peralta – HR yesterday as he bats near .400 over the last week.  Let me pull out my lukewarm endorsement…. If you really need an MI, what the hey?

Matt Diaz – 4-for-4 yesterday.  It’s Dye-as.  Usually only hits lefties, currently hitting everyone.

Pedro Martinez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 5 Ks.  I swear, I keep thinking to myself he’s going 5 IP, 3 ER or 6 IP, 4 ER.  I’m like the quiet psychic.  This Fall on Fox, turn up the volume and watch as he solves mysteries while speaking just above a whisper… Robert Carlyle is The Quiet Psychic.

Angel Pagan – 2 HRs yesterday.  See, there is a reason he was nominated for the Henry Aaron Award!

Jayson Werth – Hit his 29th homer yesterday.  You gotta love when your third outfielder pans out.  I know the feeling, I own Raul Ibanez on a few teams. (Though he’s been cold lately.)  Third outfielders panning out make me horny!  *Awkward silence at Razzball.com*  Did Grey just say third outfielders… Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Ricky Nolasco – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners.  Here’s the deal, Nolasco.  And I’m gonna break it down to you real simple like Jeff Foxworthy.  One terrible game like the stinker vs. the Astros when you gave up 10 earned runs in just over three innings.  That’s forgivable because you came back and pitched a complete game the next game.  But when you follow that up with another stinker, you become unpredictable and harder to start.  Thanks for listening, Nolasco.  I’m glad we had this talk.

Alcides Escobar – Hit his first homer yesterday.  After he crossed home, I screamed at the TV, “I have guys to hit homers.  Steal a frickin’ base, doode!”

Adam Dunn – Hit his 33rd homer yesterday.  If he doesn’t get to 40, Stephen Hawking will press a button on his Speak & Spell and blow up the Earth.  Just so you know what we’re up against.

Drew Stubbs – He looks so lost at the plate, it’s kinda comical.  Still has speed, will have bumps.

Homer Bailey – 7 IP, 1 ER.  I’m glad he pitched a good game… Actually, I don’t care.  What am I, his hypenate nephew-slash-personal assistant?  No, I’m not.  He gets the Dodgers next.  Blech.

Scott Feldman – 7 IP, 0 ER, 11 Ks.  Easily his best start of the year.  I still can’t get fully behind starting him, but if you need to take some risk, then go for it.

Bud Norris – 1 IP, 6 ER as he roofied his owners.  When thinking about starting a rookie, see Example A:  Norris’s line.

Jake Fox – 4-for-4, HR yesterday.  Can an AL team trade for him this winter?  Please.  I’d like to own him in the fantasy, but non-Biblical way.

Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 4 baserunners, 0 ER, 5 Ks.  Right side of the brain, Dempster beat the NL-best Dodgers yesterday.  Left side of the brain, Dempster lost to the Padres last time out.  So his next start vs. the Mets is a good thing or a bad thing?  Damn conflicting sides of the brain!

John Smoltz – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners and 9 Ks vs. Padres.  If only the Red Sox played in Petco…  Smoltz gets the Nats next time out.  I’d roll the dice for another start, then reevaluate.

Jack Cust – 2 HRs yesterday.  Cust is hitting near .500 in the last week with three homers.  Few hitters get as streaky as Cust (though A-Rod comes close right after he gets out of the salon and has his frosted tips done).

I’m sure even Kevin Gregg can’t believe he held the Cubs closer job as long as he did.  After witnessing Gregg’s sixth blown save and 12th gopher ball on Monday night, Piniella went into the locker room and flipped a table, screaming at a young, non-mustachioed Willie Randolph… Oh, wait, that was The Bronx is Burning.  Piniella says Carlos Marmol will take over the closer duties.  Carlos Marmol smiles, Kevin Gregg frowns and Angel Guzman shrugs.  John Grabow may also slide into the situational save picture when the Cubs face a lefty heavy ninth.  But, for now, Sweet Lou’s giving the ball to Marmol to save games.  As of today.  We shall see.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Travis Snider – Guess JP Ricciardi can’t swing a deal for Lincecum and the frozen body of Ted Williams, so Snider was called up.  Worth a flier in mixed leagues for the potential pop he can provide.  In one league, out of boredom, I dropped Ty Wigginton for Snider.  Oh, and Snider hit a homer yesterday.

Randy Ruiz – Hit his third homer in a week.  He’s 31-years-old.  You don’t get to be 31 and still a rookie without a giant pancake of mediocrity covering you.  Might continue to hit bombs for the rest of this season.  Or maybe just for the rest of this week.  My guess is he has a hot week in him, then he drops like a ton of 31-year-old rookie bricks.

Francisco Liriano – Headed to the Disgraceful List with Can’t Throw Effectivelyitis. I think he’s fallen to the point where he might actually be a solid sleeper in 2010 drafts.  We’ll have to wait for official word from February Grey as he rarely shares his info with August Grey.

Joe Mauer – 2 HRs yesterday as he bats .383 on the year.  After the game, he cured cancer.

Delmon Young – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs, his 2nd homer in the last three games and already has more homers this month than he had the entire 1st half of the year.

Ivan Rodriguez – The Rangers acquired Pudge (<–at one point this nickname wasn’t ironic).  Now the Rangers just need to acquire Jose Canseco and a bunch of syringes.  According to the Rangers, Pudge will be a backup.  I don’t see why they’d use him in that capacity.  I think most of Teagarden and Salty’s value is hurt with the addition of Pudge, not that they really had much value anyway.

Carlos Quentin – HR yesterday.  On one hand, I kinda want him to bomb the rest of this season so he goes quietly into next year’s draft.  On the other hand, I own him in a league and would like some production.  On the third hand, I want him to have surgery on his foot so there’s no problem next year.  He’s refusing surgery as of right now.  And, yes, I have three hands.

Freddy Garcia – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Right back where he left off!

Pedro Martinez/Jamie Moyer – Combined for a one run, 4 hitter.  If only Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau were around to see it.

Alex Gordon – Was optioned to Triple-A.  As frequent commenter, Mr. Baseball, pointed out, Gordon could be a nice October call up.

Carlos Gonzalez – HR yesterday, now has 5 homers in the last seven games.  Not sure what you’re waiting for, loyal Razzball reader.

Clint Barmes – HR yesterday.  Without looking it up, who has more homers, Barmes or Hawpe?  Obviously if I’m pointing it out, it’s Barmes.  But that’s crazy.  Though I’m not sure it’s crazy good for Barmes or crazy bad for Hawpe.  I think it’s the latter, as in what Hawpe walked under before the season.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 8 IP, 2 ER.  Now has a 3.41 ERA on the year and on his way to 180 Ks on the year.  Aren’t you glad you own him and didn’t worry about whether or not he’s a Rockies pitcher?  Or don’t you wish you owned him and stopped worrying about owning a Rockies pitcher?

Lastings Milledge – Hit his first homer of the year yesterday.   Could be the start of something…

Ross Ohlendorf – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks as he got his 11th win yesterday and has a 4.15 ERA on the year.  What the ‘dorf?!  If you own Ohlendorf, you’re teetering between brilliance and insanity like an abstract painter or an MMA fighter.

Alex Avila – Hit his third homer yesterday as he bats near .450 through 20 ABs.  Worth a flier in AL-Only leagues, but he’s seeing less time behind the plate than Nicole Richie.

Matt Wieters – Hit his fourth homer to stay in front of Alex Avila, who has 180 less at-bats than Wieters.

Rick Porcello – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks vs. the Mariners.  For a guy with a 4.5 K/9, the 8 Ks can only mean one thing.  Porcello was imagining facing Ichiro Youkilis, Russell Youkilis and Franklin Youkilis aka The Big F-You.

Derek Lowe – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER as he allowed the Mets to record ten hits in one inning, which was a new club record.  An offensive club record with Luis Castillo as your hitting star?  Lowe hadn’t looked that bad since Speidi’s wedding.  I know you wanna drop Lowe, but I wouldn’t.

Ricky Nolasco – 9 IP, 2 ER, 10 Ks.  Good to see him bounce back after his last outing left you muttering to yourself as you ate a pint of Mint Chocolate Chip.

Julio Borbon – 3-for-4, 3 steals as the Rangers stole 6 bases vs. Mauer.  Hey, he was out curing cancer!

Pat Burrell – Returned from a stiff neck with a homer.  He still has 19 to go to save his season.  I think he pulls up ten short, so he still has… You do the math!

David Price – 5 IP, 2 ER.  Price was mentioned in the rookie pitchers who might get shutdown whatchamacallit.  Now I’m hearing murmurs that Price could go to the bullpen for the return of Sonnanstine.  Act like ya know, MC Lyte!

B.J. Upton – HR yesterday.  That’s right!  You’re not the Secretaryman, you’re not the Administrativeassistantman, you’re the Bossman!  Now take charge!

Kyle Blanks – Hit an inside-the-park-homer.  The only explanation for a 300 lbs guy getting an inside-the-park-homer is the Cubs pulled their team from the field because Padres fans were littering the field with empty bottles of White Zinfandel.