“Hi, I work in the front office for the Twins and I’m ordering lunch.  I was wondering what you have that’s old that you can give us a discount on.  Can you eat old pork?  Hmm, let’s try it with extra sauce.  John Ryan Murphy briefly converted to Judaism, or so he wrote in 6-point font inside his lined notebook where he talked about murder, but he’s back to the gentile side of things.  I’d also like to know if any of your very old or very young employees want to join our pitching staff.  We can’t pay them in money, but Byung ho Park and Kurt Suzuki often wrestle together, reenacting Foxcatcher, and it’s just fun to be around when that happens.  Gotcha, okay, just send the old pork then!”  Incredibly, the Twins reached into their oh-so-deep pockets, pulled out some lint and decided to call up their top pitching prospect, Jose Berrios.  He’s only been ready for about three years now; crazy to start his clock now when they could’ve held him down in Triple-A for another five years.  Never underestimate the Twins’ frugality.  It’s FRU-JOUL-LAY, it’s Italian!  Here’s what I said previously about him, “A team like the Tigers would’ve promoted Berrios about two years ago.  No fear, John Deere, Berrios is still only 21 years old.  I’ve seen people peg Berrios as having #3 fantasy starter upside, but I see him landing eventually with a barely-2 BB/9 and 9 K/9 from his mid-90s MPH fastball and plus-curve.  That makes him a borderline fantasy ace in the making.  Of course, as a rookie, there will be stretches where he doesn’t look like that, but want a guy that could come on and give you a Shelby Miller in 2015-type year?  Berrios has that potential.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Yes, I’d grab him, yes, in your league too.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Let me assure those of you who came here to read a fantasy baseball article that you’re in the right place. While the title might conjure up images of Brock Lesnar’s new submission hold (“He has the Brock Lock applied – it’s all over!”) or the latest late night item on your local home shopping network (“Get the Brock Lock for just $19.95”), it actually refers to this week’s waiver wire darling, the Boston Red Sox newly anointed starting left fielder Brock Holt (72.1% owned; +57.3% over the past week). Holt has truly been locked in during the first week of the season, producing a .412/.444/.882 triple slash line including 2 home runs and 8 RBI across his first 18 plate appearances. So the Brock Lock doesn’t refer to a submission hold or a crappy “as seen on tv” gimmick, but a hot schmotato! The good news is that Holt is 2B/3B/OF eligible in most formats, and might even have SS eligibility in a few. He has no split issues to worry about, and actually has a higher career OPS against left-handed pitching (.753) than right-handed pitching (.700). His solid plate discipline has led to solid batting averages of .281 and .280 in the previous two seasons. The bad news is that while he has enough speed to steal a base (21 steals in 289 career games), he’s unlikely to swipe more than a dozen or so bags across a full season. Those two homers that he hit last week represent a quarter of his career total in MLB. I’d be willing to bet that his current 100% HR/FB will come down a smidge, and that homers will be a bit tougher to come by in the future if his 15.4% FB% doesn’t rise significantly. Expect a .280ish average with 6-8 homers and 10-12 steals from Holt if he reaches 500 PA. Definitely useful, particularly considering his positional versatility, but far from indispensable.

Here are a couple of other interesting adds/drops in fantasy baseball over the past week:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Meet Erik, 35 years old. After meeting a fantasy baseball expert on the internet, he took his last three dollars, entered it in the Early Moonshot on Monday, April 11, 2016, and won $5,000. His conscience never came into play.

All of the above is true, except the part about Erik‘s last three dollars, of course. See, Erik has now done what the vast majority of DFS players have not–he’s taken down a large GPP. This sucker had 28,750 entries. Impressive to say the least. Instead of going all-in with David Price, he pivoted to Michael Wacha. Combine that with nine Aaron Nola strikeouts, a rare offensive outburst from Yadi Molina, home runs from Chris Davis, Mookie Betts, and J.D. Martinez, respectively, and a 19-point punt play in Aledmys Diaz, Erik nailed every single player on Monday’s early slate. Good on you, Erik. You are truly a DFS inspiration and I’m proud to call you one of my good friends. Rags to riches, homie, you ain’t done. You got 99 Problems, but winnin’ a GPP ain’t one. Enjoy that Four Roses Bourbon. Just remember you’re picking up the bar tab when you come to Pittsburgh in June. It’s the least you can do! (Also, bring me a bottle of that bourbon. On the house, of course.)

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

What’s a happenin’ Razz-stuff? FOH, the player slayer, is at the helm for my first and probably last bold predictions post. I only call it my last because after this one, I’m confident that I won’t be allowed to be bold again. Kidding… sorta. I get bold from time to time, but usually play it more conservative and pick my spots. I’m getting an assist on this one, as I have everyone’s favorite commenter doing a pop-up like a rogue restaurant or a children’s book. You have to follow me after the jump to find out who it is, but I’ll give you a hint: He sets his clock to Pacific time. No fancy intro needed here… Let’s get to some predictions for the 2016 season!

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Hey what’s going on here? Is this your annual late round flyers post? Or is this your deep league thoughts post? Why are you messing with us jacka**? No silly Razzits, it’s both. In the Razz spirit of Portmanteuing, I have combined them into one tidy little post since they aren’t that different from each other. I could of gone with Larofldeleghts, but knowing my luck I might be offending someone who used to call the Soviet Union home. I already have a rivalry with our only Hungarian reader after I kicked his goulash to the curb last year in the Razznasty. *smooches* Seriously, I have been short on time, and after reviewing the parameters of each post it only makes sense to compact me down to a smaller size, I’m huge! (Not what she said.) Here, look at this beautiful beast. No, not Nick Capozzi, me! You have been advised. I could lose a few… or 50, my doctor says 50 to start. Okay, enough about my rubenesque physique and more about the corner men, because, really, let’s be honest. Who here wants to read me talking about me?… Yeah, me neither.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

True Story Alert!  Socrates Brito used to pause the Diff’rent Strokes credits for Dana Plato’s title card and would argue with the screen, calling himself a Socratic method actor.  This drove his family crazy.  For many years I’ve spouted off like Tom Selleck’s sprinkler the need to ignore spring training stats.  You should only concern yourself with injuries and position battles.  With that in mind, Brito is winning a position battle with Yasmany, leaving Yasmany baffled, “Do you people just want an outfielder with a long-flowing beard?  Is that what this is about?  What’s the argument for Socrates?  Am I making an argument for Socrates by annoying you with questions?  Is this table still blue to a blind person?”  In the top 80 outfielders, I added in Socrates into the Brendan Dassey tier.  Appropriate that he’s in the Brendan Dassey tier because if there’s any justice, there will be Socrates.  In Double-A, Socrates had nine homers and 20 steals, and Yasmany looks to be headed into the same Cuban abyss as Rusney Castillo and that guy that played Tony Montana’s buddy, Manny.  For 2016, I gave Socrates the projections of 56/7/47/.264/18 in 410 ABs, and if your league counts arguments with Plato, he has added value.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:

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After the top 20 catchers for 2016 fantasy baseball, it’s all downhill.  And by downhill, I mean it will pick up speed and start moving quickly.  That really should be what “it’s all downhill” means.  I fixed you, English language, you’re welcome.  The top 10 for 2016 fantasy baseball and the top 20 for 2016 fantasy baseball were done the other day too.  I think this is what they call getting you up to date.  I don’t mean that as in, “We have to shave his unibrow into two eyebrows, and maybe have him wear something other than a sports jersey, so he’s ‘up to date’ a girl.”  This top 20 1st basemen for 2016 fantasy baseball goes to about 60.  Every year it seems like it gets longer and more unwieldy like the story you tell people on why you didn’t finish college.  As always, for each player there’s my projections and where I see tiers starting and ending.  There’s the position eligibility chart for 2016 fantasy baseball, and all the 2016 fantasy baseball rankings are under that linkie-ma-whosie.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 1st basemen for 2016 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

For those looking for pictures of ballplayers taking off their ballcap and recapping themselves, you’re in the wrong place!  Though, sometimes I get the sense people in the comments aren’t wearing pants, so if that does it for you, there ya go.  Oh, who are we kidding, I’m not wearing pants.  Pants are for conformist sissies!  So, after going over the top 20 catchers, top 20 1st basemen, top 20 2nd basemen and top 20 shortstops, which brings us to…Hold on, I have to scroll up to the title.  It’s the 3rd basemen?  Oh, awesome!  Pound for pound, the 3rd basemen were as good, if not better than any other position, and that’s not a Sandoval crack.  Trust me, I wouldn’t force my worst enemy to look at a Sandoval crack, or anything stuck in his crack either.  This final ranking is from our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater with my comments.  The Player Rater allows me to be impartial while looking at how I ranked players in the preseason.  I look forward to the random comment about how I’ve left off so-and-so.  This is not for next year.  Lisa Simpson groan.  Oh, they’re not reading this intro either.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 3rd basemen for 2015 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

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I’m not sure if DK has been monitoring what J.A. Happ has done since being traded to Pittsburgh, but he’s at the bargain price of $7,600 for tonight. How about we keep it a secret between us Razzballers? Since being traded in early August, Happ is 6-2 with a 2.43 ERA while striking out 58 batters in 48.1ings. His first start as a Pirate he let up 4er and Tuesday night, in Coors, he gave up 3er, but he still K’d 8 over 5.1ings. Throw out those two games and dude looks like Greinke with a sparkling 1.39 ERA and 44K’s over 38.9ings. Happ gets the Cards tonight which may seem like a bad matchup, but they’re only batting .232 and they’re the NL’s numero uno in strikeouts versus LHP. Happ’s resurgence after making the move isn’t a surprise as the Pirates pitching coach Ray Searage is a friggin genius whisperer on a whole different level. This guy is so great that instead of buying him a few beers, a brewery named a beer after him; for realsies, check out the Bucco Blonde. At a relatively low sticker price of $7,600 you can match up Happ with Mad Max at $12,000 or the aforementioned Greinke at $13,100. Let’s keep the good times rolling and raise our pints to Ray Searage and The Happ Slapp!

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

We have one reader in Nigeria who emails me privately about how I’ve won large amounts of muney (sic), so I don’t need to be working, which means this is more of a PSA, and should be taken even more seriously:  Starling Marte is a God.  There’s Jesus, there’s his Dad, there’s Jehovah, there’s Mormons’ magic underpants, there’s whoever the Jews pray to — Mel Brooks? — there’s Chief Jay Strongbow, there’s the Pope, there’s Allah, there’s Halla, the Arab God for dyslexics, and there’s others, I’m sure.  My God is Starling Marte.  You know how the religious say, “Peace be with you?”  For baseball players, they should say, “May you always hit in Coors.”  Yesterday in Coors, Marte went 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, which is the rainbow jimmies on the ice cream that has been his season.  He has 18 HRs, 29 SBs and is hitting .288.  Right now, he’s around top 25 on our Player Rater.  For 2016, it’s gonna be hard for me to wait past the top 20 overall.  Yes, he’s that good, and I may just rank him above McCutchen.  Oh, snap!  Don’t need the police to try to save them, your voice will seize, so please, stay off my back or I will attack and you don’t want that.  Hit the bass, hit the anyway and let’s do this!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?