I’m out here busting my literary chops. Ok, not really. Y’all know the the Robert Frost poem at this point. Anything popular was quoted a million times before the age of the interwebs but now we can actually tally those amounts. Seriously, go search it. I’d wait but you’ll fall into a google rabbit hole and never return so just skim the first page and know it to be true. You back? Hello? DON’T GO INTO THE LIGHT, CAROL ANNE! It takes a special breed of idiot to want to roster Carlos Rodon. Thankfully for you, I am such an idiot. I guess the best way to look at this is, it’s payday for most of you and you weren’t gonna put all that cash into an IRA were you? Exactly. Normally I tell you about numbers when I discuss pitching suggestions. The thing is, I can’t really do that with this call. This is a ‘Yankees can be had by lefties’ call and nothing more. The stats actually say they’re great against lefties. Heck, they’re 5th in wRC+ against them on the season. But those season stats don’t point out Mike Montgomery neutralizing them at Yankees stadium and K’ing 9. On the talent scale, I’d put Rodon *pretends to weigh both sides, falls over in dramatic heap onto Carlos side* well ahead of Mike. It’s definitely a risk so I’d never recommend for a cash game but I would like for you all to take the road less traveled by today. It could make all the difference. But enough about being a sad, sorry English major, let’s get a move on. Here’s my Frost’d takes for this Friday DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 15 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

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It’s hard to pick which Ross is hated more: the one in Friends whose character is so annoying David Schwimmer could never get work again, or the dynamite starter for the Nationals, who even after pitching mad impressive through his first few starts, wasn’t even the first SP to get the call when Stephen Strasburg went back to the DL yet again.  Why wasn’t he the first call?!

After Joe Ross‘s first run in June, I kept him in the ranks a few more weeks even without a for-sure rotation spot, and when Strasburg tweaked the oblique, I was ready to vault him into the top-50.  But nooooooo, instead they use, I dunno, Taylor Jordan or someone who doesn’t matter?  C’mon Nats, what did Ross ever do to you?!  Finally the Nationals got Ross back up to face the Mets last week in a decent – albeit underwhelming – start given the matchup, so I decided to break down his 5th MLB start at the Pirates, in a pitcher’s duel Sunday afternoon against Gerrit Cole.  Here’s how Ross looked:

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A NASA engineer who plays fantasy, “Houston, we’ve Scott a pitcher!” Then he tries to high-five another NASA engineer, but their 180 IQs can’t figure out a hand slap. A gay man in the Bay Area who plays fantasy, “I see a run on Minute Maid mimosas thanks to the Kaztro!” Then he tries to high-five his friend and it becomes patty cake. A Real Housewife of Houston sees that Scott Kazmir was traded to the Astros and gets on the phone with her husband, “You want me to hide our oil futures in which bank account again?” Okay, that had nothing to do with Kazmir. For the past three months, I’ve been saying to trade Kazmir in July and guess who reads Razzball. Yo, Beane, I’m on a treadmill as I write this — simpatico, my brother! Crap, I just hit ‘Begin Workout.’ How do I shut this off? I just wanted to stand on the treadmill! So, Kazmir takes his 2.38 ERA to Houston and I can kinda understand it from the Astros’ perspective. If they get ten starts from him instead of Feldman, then it’s a score since they traded low-level prospects. Kazmir is from Houston so he’ll be able to play in front of family and friends, which is great if this were Little League and needed a ride home. He has only 15 1/3 IP in The Juice Box, so his numbers there are irrelevant. O.co is a -co park like Petco or Metco and stands for Overstock(ed on foul territory), but Minute Maid isn’t exactly Coors. Keuchel, McHugh, McCullers and Velasquez have done fine there, and I think this is a fairly lateral move out of the wishbone offense. What?! Grey must be reading JayWrong’s fantasy football rankings. The only thing that really stops Kazmir from performing is his health, which is almost definitely going to fail him. Damn, I should’ve been a doctor. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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For many a year, it’s been well documented that Jorge De La Rosa was a bit of a homeschooler. Of course, that in and of itself isn’t something that would make a person curious; plenty of pitchers have road splits that make them look pedestrian. But Jorge is a Rocky and two things go with that. One, your bats are terrible away and two, your pitching is terrible at home but Jorge is not about that life. He’s had a ton of success at Coors Field which makes my call maybe seem odd given the context but Jorge is doing a bit of a reverse of his already seemingly reversed splits so far this year. Over 32.1 IP this year, Jorge has held his opponents to a 1.67 ERA to go along with 26 K. I know, those Ks don’t sound appealing but they just got a nice bump via the opponent in the Padres. Despite being a heavily righty lineup, San Diego boasts the highest K% against lefty pitchers in all of the MLB and they’re near the bottom in wRC+ and ISO against them to boot. Starting a road pitcher is never safe, of course, so I’m just recommending Of The Rose for tourneys only but there I could see putting him as your SP1 cuz you’re gonna get another cheap option from me below. Ooooh, foreshadowing! So lets not dawdle any longer. Here’s my hot takes for the start of the second half of the DK MLB slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 25 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

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Seriously, kid, just don’t. I mean, I’m only streaming you in every league in season long while also touting you in a lead post on Razzball. Do you understand the honor I’m bestowing here? This post has seen names like Kyle Lobstein grace the front page! This shizz is serious. Now that I think about it, I’ve touted Chris Heston before on here too and he stunk up the joint that time out. Hrm…nah, too lazy to change it at this point so let us do what DFS should have taught us by now: not fearing going back to the well. Unless of course your well is on a farm on The Walking Dead and there’s a zombie at the bottom of it. Good lawd, that season made me check out on the series so quickly. So much tension about nothing and where were the flipping zombies!?! If I wanted to watch forced drama, I’d watch reality television, AMC. But where was I? Oh yeah, the well. The reasoning behind why Heston is a good get is still there. He’s solid at home, has a strong K rate vs righties, and the home park helps a little with his lefty struggles. I see Heston as a good cash game play as he makes an easy SP2 to pair with Sale with his price point at $6,300. When you factor in how bad the Mets offense has been of late – they had zero HRs and only 13 runs scored over their last 7 heading into Sunday – there’s a chance for SP1 numbers for chump change. Just don’t make me feel like a chump again, Heston…just don’t. But enough about my love/hate for Chris, let’s get on with it. Here’s my most caliente takes for this Monday DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 15 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

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I hope everyone had a pleasant, footloose, but not finger-freeing July 4th weekend. I did. In the tradition of our forefathers, specifically Benjamin Franklin, I had an iced cold latte, three whole frankfurters and flew a kite with a key on the string. Also, since this year our country passed the right to gay marriage, I ate those frankfurters in the gayest way possible. *Graphic description of how I ate the hot dogs deleted* Also, on this wonderful holiday where we pretend to be the greatest country in the world, I’m reminded of an ally from the 1700’s when we first got this ship afloat. That country was Germany and their concept of schadenfreude, the enjoyment derived from others’ misery. I’m sorry if you lost Miguel Cabrera for six weeks. Really, I am. *bursting with the schadenfreude giggles* The Tigers say he could return around late-August, which is a bummer. *barely containing myself* Hopefully, he can return and give you a solid four homers and .300 average the rest of the way. Thank God, this schadenfreude concept has no karmic retribution attached to it. *reading that Strasburg is also hurt* NOOOOOOO!!! Can’t I have one nice thing?! Ugh. I’m sorry I laughed at your loss of Miggy, can I have Stressbird back? Please! I can’t, can I? Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

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Kennys Vargas was demoted to Double-A. Shouldn’t it be Double-Kenny? It’s official, the Twins hate Vargas. They gave him all of about ten days to prove himself this time around. Maybe they just get off on killing Kennys. Oh, well, that’s all I wanted to say in the lede. Nothing else. Just gonna pick my cuticles until I get to that “Anyway, here’s what else” jazz that I always write. Oh, I guess I could mention Miguel Sano is being called up. I buried the lede worse than Kendall Graveman! First Buxton and now Sano, this is the most excitement Minnesota’s seen since Prince was spotted at a Cold Stone Creamery ordering raspberry sorbet, and, without missing a beat, the cashier said, “And if it was warm, you’d order much more,” then high-fived his oblivious co-worker. I just gave you my Miguel Sano fantasy. I wrote it with an 80’s glam Sharpie. I’ll add one thing to that. Grab him right now! He could hit .180 with power or he could hit .250 with power, but, either way, at corner infidel, you do worse, as my Jewish grandmother would say. After saying, “Oy, it’s hot in here.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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What is not to love about Marlon Byrd? He is one of twenty-one hitters who have 49 homeruns over the past two seasons, and is on pace this year to hit over 20 bombs again. He has been on the DL since June 2nd and just came off this past Friday. I understand the batting average is something to be concerned with, but even if that’s your issue, he is still a donkey (the flying donkey to be exact), and donkeys are useful… and they are really darn useful in fantasy baseball. You rent them like a lady-friend on a trip to Vegas, and if they bring you some winnings, you keep them around a few days to give you a place to rest your hand. Now, like our friends in Vegas, you never keep them around any longer than your trip. Byrd could be a creep-to-own, so be prepared to hold if he comes out of the gate hot. But enough about Byrd, I’ll cover him below. It’s Fathers Day today, and being that my dad introduced me to the Yardbirds, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t add some title-related links into the fold, as I know you enjoy it and I think it irks Jay.

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Truth up front: this be a punt. You want me to extol the virtues of Mike Montgomery and I just don’t have that much smoke to blow up your pretty little tush. Today there are a lot of great pitching options at the top and very few pitchers I wanna take chances on below so this call is really me going ‘hey, what does the Teamonator say about home team win percentage chances?’ and abiding by it accordingly. Basically, at this low price of $5,400 I’m hoping for 15-17 points of production as I pair him with a high end arm and some sweet power bats. All this to say, I do not expect Montgomery to be excellent but I expect his price tag to help you build a lineup that is. But enough about The Simpsons, let’s get through this. Here’s my scalding hot takes for this Thursday DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 20 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

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When looking up something with bore in it to link this title to a video, I came across the classic (to me) Clint Eastwood flick Heartbreak Ridge. Oh how I love this movie… so many classic lines that I used as a child and still use to this day. Hell, some are even good for fantasy. Let me see a show of hands, who has seen clusterf**k used on one of these pages? Oh that’s right, we are over the net and I can’t see you. I’ll take my word for it. What gunny Highway taught us besides the CF concept is how to talk to the police, how to greet an old friend, how to be a smart ass, and how to deal with fat guys in prison. Hopefully you never have to deal with the latter. You might be asking yourself, what this has to do with the creeper and the top 100 hitters, and it has everything to do with it. In the movie, he presses his credo on his men to improvise, adapt, overcome. That is what we have to do, because offensively it has been a real clusterf**k this year with so many hitters getting hurt and so many going through streaks like a hairdresser in cosmetology school. Ummm, I might have to explain that last one. When I was in junior college, I was an automotive major and right next to us were all the cosmetology classes. We mingled a lot with the ladies over there, but it was really hard to keep track with who was who, because they would always change their hair color and streaks. Anythehoo, I used to build engines and now I build rosters!

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