Fantasy Baseball Advice

Jhoulys Chacin was walking more yesterday than my grandfather on a treadmill behind a hot number (his words).  Yo-leash’s line 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (6 walks), 7 Ks.  Am I worried that Chacin isn’t going to have a sub-3 ERA all year?  Yeah, of course, I’m worried.  What, am I delusional?  Am I wearing wearing a pirate costume and dictating my blog posts to homeless people behind a Consumer Value Store?  No, of course, I’m not.  I’m behind a Walgreens.  I do not wish to talk about Chacin’s eventual regression.  Yes, I am not using contractions to show how serious I am.  I own Yo-leash all over the place and…Ugh.  We might be at his peak value.  This is sorta like when I told you to sell Matt Joyce a week before he started washing his hands in the urinal and peeing in the sink.  I don’t think Chacin will completely collapse but he’s more of a 3.50-3.75 ERA pitcher.  Trust me, I wish he were going to be this good all year too.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Seth Smith – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs as The Lisper’s Nightmare hit his 7th and 8th home runs.  He’s fine for a fifth outfielder in a deep league, but, man, owning him is the fantasy baseball equivalent to watching paint dry.  Rub Wiggy’s head and get crazy hot for a week once in a while, would ya?

Madison Bumgarner – 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  Eight scored so fast on this Bum even Ron Jeremy was amazed.

Eli Whiteside – 2-for-3 with his 2nd home run.  In honor of the homer, Katz’s Deli is giving thirty cents off every stuffed derma purchase.

Alexi Casilla – 2-for-5 with his 2nd home run in as many games after hitting one home run in his previous 400+ at-bats.  Give Jose Bautista back his bat!

Chad Billingsley – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Part of me thinks he pitched well so you put him back in your lineup for his next start only to have him crush your hopes again.

Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Member after his last start I said run out and buy him?  Can you still?  Rhetorical!

Jonathan Lucroy – 3-for-4 after hitting a home run on Monday.  Ebb and flow of the season and it looks like he might be flowing again.

Wily Mo Pena – 1-for-4 with a home run.  Short term power add.  Or in leagues that count Pedro Serrano lookalikes.

Krispie Young – Hit his 15th home run yesterday.  Haven’t talked much about Krispie this year, but he’s having another solid year.  15 homers, 8 steals and, even more encouraging, his average is up to .253.  You’d take that from Krispie and like it.

Mike Moustakas – 0-for-4, average down to .219.  Hosmer went 0-for-4, average down to .276.  They’re rookies, ya’ll.  Sometimes you get lightning, sometimes you get cloudy with a chance of crapballs.

Paul Konerko – 2-for-3 with his fifth homer in five games to bring his season total up to 21.  He blew my expectations for him out of the water about a month ago and now he’s riding a magical dolphin around in the sky and beating up those expectations with its fin.

Carlos Pena – Now has homers in back-to-back games.  Will homer at least three more times in the next week.  You can put it on the boooooooard–Sorry, wrong side of Chicago.

Brett Wallace – 0 for his last 16, hasn’t hit over .300 in two months.  Maybe the Astros can trade him back to the Jays…Or A’s…Or Cards.

Michael Young – 3-for-5 with his 4th home run.  Hey, maybe his power might come around, but I think he’s still gonna top out around 12 homers and his name carries more value.

Brandon League – Gave up a few unearned runs and then was hit by a comebacker and limped out of the game.  David Pauley, which sounds like a made up name, was then called on to close it out.  He didn’t do so well, but he has recently been solid.  Oh, who am I kidding?  This is a mess if League’s not closing games.  You can grab Pauley or Jamey Wright or Jamey Pauley, but only in the deepest of leagues where you really need saves.

Doug Fister – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I think he’s been in Smokey’s weekend 2 start pitcher post like 8 weeks in a row.

Roger Bernadina – 1-for-3 as he got to Fister in the two hole.

Brian Roberts – Won’t be back until after the All-Star Game.  Can backdate that news to 2008.

Cory Luebke – Will join the Padres rotation.  Luebke has a 9+ K-rate in middle relief, but I imagine that’ll come down to around a 7+ in the rotation.  Still totally usable if nowhere else except in Petco.  Wonder Twin powers in the form of…a Hodgepadre!

David Ortiz – 0-for-5 with a steal.  How’d he get a 89 foot lead off of first?

J.J. Hardy – 2-for-5 with his 9th home run.  Not sure if he gave the signal, but he’s unleashing hell, Maximus.

Javier Vazquez – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 10 hits, 4 Ks.  No earned runs, but he’s still fooling no one.  I mean, he’s doing that age-old trick where you pull your thumb apart and five-year-olds are rolling their eyes at him.

Ervin Santana – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks and pulled after 76 pitches as the Sciosciapath decided to start managing his NL-style-baseball-that-is-usually-kept-at-bay-in-the-AL.  Can imagine what a nightmare he’d be if he managed in the NL.  He’d double switch every inning and run out of pitchers by the 7th.  “NL’s where it’s at, hooooo-mees!”  That’s Scioscia talking through his auto-tune app.

James McDonald – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks, now has an ERA of 4.86 and a WHIP of 1.62.  I’ve seen peg boys put together better stretches.

Mike Minor – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  After the game, Minor’s bags were sent to the, um, minors.

Jonny Venters – Pitched a random insignficant inning yesterday.  Not for nothing, which is my mom’s favorite expression, the Braves are ruining Venters’s arm.  Every time Venters enters a game, Scott Proctor shudders.

Jason Bay – 3-for-3 with a home run and he just missed a 2nd one.  I don’t think he’s suddenly rediscovered 2009, but he looked locked in yesterday.  Worth a quick flyer to see if he can stay hot for a week or so.

Dillon Gee – 4 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners (6 walks), 1 K.  Prior to this start, Gee looked like he was composed almost entirely of phat, but yesterday Gee looked like butter without the ‘er.’  Here’s a proper visual aid.  The preceding sentence was for our one reader in India.  Hey, Bhishma!

The top 10 and 20 for 2011 fantasy baseball are in the bag, along with the top 20 catchers and your receipt for a $30 massage valued at $50.  Thanks, Groupon!  Today, Razzhands, we look at the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.  All this shizz can be found under the 2011 fantasy baseball rankings.  Don’t believe me?  Click the link.  This top 20 list of 1st basemen is the opposite of the catchers, it is bursting at the seams like you at a Hometown Buffet.  Speaking of gorging yourself, I want a top 1st baseman on my team in 2011.  Sure, the list is deep, but 10 of these guys will probably be gone by the 4th round.  Do you really want to go to battle with, say, Lance Berkman when someone else has, say, Ryan Howard?  I don’t.  I want to be one of the teams with a top 1st baseman.  This list will get additional 1st basemen added to it in the way of sleeper posts.  As with the other rankings, the first basemen are broken up into tiers with my projections included.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball:

1. Albert Pujols – See top 10 for 2011 fantasy baseball for Albert Pujols’ projections.

2. Miguel Cabrera – See top 10 for 2011 fantasy baseball for Miguel Cabrera’s projections.

3. Joey Votto – See top 10 for 2011 fantasy baseball for Joey Votto’s projections.

4. Prince Fielder – See top 10 for 2011 fantasy baseball for Prince Fielder’s projections.

5. Adrian Gonzalez – See top 20 for 2011 fantasy baseball for Adrian Gonzalez’s projections.

6. Mark Teixeira – See top 20 for 2011 fantasy baseball for Mark Teixeira’s projections.

7. Ryan Howard – See top 20 for 2011 fantasy baseball for Ryan Howard’s projections.

8. Kevin Youkilis – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Dunn.  I call this tier, “Your last chance for a 1st baseman I’d feel safe with.”  Other fantasy baseball ‘perts will say 1st base is one of the deepest positions and you shouldn’t pay for it on draft day.  Now, granted, Youuuuuuk had a fluke injury last year that should be fine in 2011, but do you feel as safe with Youuuuuk as you would with, say, Te(i)x?  I wouldn’t.  Do you feel as safe with Morneau as Fielder?  Do you feel as safe with Dunn as you do with any of the first basemen in the 1st tier?  And this is only one tier down.  Go another tier down.  How do you feel with Howard compared to Butler?  With Fielder compared to Huff?  Sure, some of the guys below may produce, but there’s also lots of pitfalls in there.  As for Youuuuk, as mentioned, he should be fine returning from injury and give you his usual 25+ home runs and good counting stats.  2011 Projections: 95/27/95/.300/5

9. Justin Morneau – Last year, Morneau pulled a Kotchman and missed like a gazillion games.  I wonder if his doctor warned him not to lie in a hammock under a palm tree for fear a coconut would drop on his melon.  Eh, probably not.  But maybe!  Morneau’s more valuable than Youuuuuk if he can stay healthy, but put Morneau staying healthy in one hand and a fortune cookie that says, “Morneau never stays healthy” in the other hand and what do you have?  Exactly!  2011 Projections:  85/25/100/.285

10. Adam Dunn – I have no scientific proof of this, but I think we’re due for a .240 average season from Big Donkey.  I mean, two seasons of .260+ now for him.  He’s playing with the house’s money, ain’t he?  Unless he sold two of his usual forty homers for twenty points on his average.  Then maybe Juan Pierre sold four steals to buy Dunn a hairbrush.  That’s like that O. Henry story.  2011 Projections: 80/40/100/.245

11. Kendry Morales – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Huff.  I call this tier, “You got caveats.  Now go floss.”  Morales has one solid season under his belt then a limp-off home run.  Here’s what I said when he got hurt, “Too bad the Wide World of Sports isn’t still on.  They could’ve covered the agony and the ecstasy all in one full swoop (with Morales’ home run).  This injury reminds me of the time Justin Duchscherer heard The Hokey Pokey and in celebration put his right hip out.  And didn’t put his right hip back in for six to eight months later.”  That doesn’t mean anything as far as fantasy is concerned, but it made me giggle.  I got some gems up in this mug!  You’re welcome.  There’s not much to say about Morales.  If he’s healthy, draft him for 27+ home runs.  If he’s rusty as all get out, then you’re sitting in a public restroom realizing ten minutes too late there’s no toilet paper.  2011 Projections:  80/26/95/.290

11 1/2. Adam Lind – His caveat is his strikeouts skyrocketed last year.  Still, I’m a sucker for Lind.  I wouldn’t be if 30 homers didn’t seem like such a pipe dream for so many players nowadays.  I can’t promise you that he will return to the 35 homer hitter he was in 2009.  It’s far from scientific but what I think happened last year was he was being unlucky so he expanded the strike zone causing the bottom to fall out.  The numbers back up this theory.  His HR/FB% was also off last year.  Another 5 homers on top of his 23 homers last year is easily doable.  With a little luck, you’re looking at a .270, 30 homer guy.  With a lot of luck, you’re looking at even more.  (Note:  He only has 11 games at 1st base that’s why he got a half.  Check the fantasy baseball position eligibility, fool!)  2011 Projections:  80/27/90/.270

12. Carlos Pena – I already went over my Carlos Pena fantasy when he signed with the Cubs.  His caveat is his average.  It could be silent and deadly.  2011 Projections:  70/35/95/.235/3

13. Billy Butler – It’s Mardi Gras and you have one more string of beads.  You see what you believe is a foxy number, but you can only see her from the neck down.  Do you wait to see her face or do you throw your beads on chest size alone?  Those who drafted Butler last year after his 21 homer year in 2009 threw their beads and got flashed with a rack of moobs.  Mr. Grapefruit just doesn’t have huge power potential like his Humpty Dumpty-shaped body would indicate.  2011 Projections:  80/20/90/.310

14. Buster Posey – See top 20 catchers for 2011 fantasy baseball for Buster Posey’s projections.

15. Paul Konerko – Last year, Konerko had his highest HR/FB% since 2005.  He had his highest home run total since 2005.  He had his highest strikeout rate ever.  His lowest walk rate since 2004.  His highest BABIP in his career.  You got damn lucky last year if you owned him.  If you own him again this year, you’re doubling down on an eighteen and the dealer’s showing a picture card.  2011 Projections:  70/24/85/.265

16. Aubrey Huff – I don’t buy his 2010 season at all.  Actually, that’s a lie.  I buy it.  I just don’t think we can trust he’ll do it again in 2011.  Not to mention, a big flashing red arrow is pointing at his alternate seasons of 15 home runs a piece in 2007 and 2009.  If you get an off season from Huff, you’ve just lost your league.  That’s just me being real wit’ you.  You see the truth is everybody wanna know how close me and Huff is.  Or who I’m still cool wit’.  2011 Projections:  70/22/80/.275

17. Lance Berkman – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Derrek Lee.  I call this tier, “Oldies and not so goodies.”  Maybe you draft someone from this tier and you get a 2010 Konerko.  Maybe you get a 2010 Berkman.  I would try not to live too much in the past.  These guys have deteriorating skills. As for Berkman, line drives are down (literally!), ground balls are up (not literally!) and fly balls are down (literally!).  St. Louis isn’t going to help turn around his career slide.  Sorry.  2011 Projections:  65/20/75/.270/5

18. Carlos Lee – Member how I said two seconds ago that one of these guys may be a 2010 Konerko?  If I had to bet, I wouldn’t guess public enemy #1, Chuck Lee.  2011 Projections:  65/24/75/.260/3

19. Mike Napoli – Not really old so sue the tier name for false advertising.  See top 20 catchers for 2011 fantasy baseball for Mike Napoli’s projections.

20. Adam LaRoche – The people who draft LaRoche late and say they just want his 25 home runs and don’t care that he only hits in the second half are the same people who ask me on April 15th if they should drop LaRoche for Gaby Sanchez.  That word is bond.  2011 Projections:  75/25/90/.265

21. Derrek Lee – Didn’t really want to turn this thing to 21, but I couldn’t fit Lee anywhere else and felt he needed to be accounted for especially with his new home in Baltimore.  To think I couldn’t get in James Loney at all.  Just don’t think about it for too long.  It’s a waste of time.  So let’s see why Derrek Lee is a candidate for a rebound… He’s old.  He’s only hit more than 22 homers once in the last five years.  He’s dealing with an injured thumb.  The only reason I can think people are suddenly excited about Lee is because the O’s signed him.  The O’s also finished in last place last year thirty games under .500.  This is a team you want to emulate?  If you’re pumped to find Lee on your draft board this late, you’re living in 2005.  Go buy some Apple stock, it hasn’t peaked yet.  2011 Projections:  75/18/80/.275/3

After the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball, there’s a lot of names, but these two stand out:

Justin Smoak – Already went over my Justin Smoak fantasy.  If you read that post backwards, it’s a Satanic message.  Sorry, churchies!  2011 Projections:  75/22/90/.275

Gaby Sanchez – He’s a lot closer to Billy Butler’s value than he appears to be and at half the cost in your drafts.  Actually, he might be better than Billy Butler.  He’s only unofficially listed at number twenty-three because I wanted to highlight him.  Check out his projections then look at Billy Butler’s.  How’s dem apples?  Delicious!  2011 Projections:  75/20/90/.270/5

After drudging through an Andy Dufresne-type tunnel for the top 20 catchers for 2010, I find myself with a group that actually really hurt or helped your team depending on how you drafted.  If you went wrong with your 1st baseman, it could kill your season.  If you went right, you might’ve won.  Here’s my preseason Top 20 1st Basemen for 2010 for reference sake.  Also, to recap, this final ranking is from ESPN Player Rater with my comments.  The Player Rater allows me to be impartial while looking at how I ranked them in the preseason.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 1st basemen for 2010 fantasy baseball and how they compared to where I originally ranked them:

1. Albert Pujols – Proves once again if you have the first pick of the draft, you shouldn’t overthink things.  Preseason Rank #1, 2010 Projections:  110/40/120/.337/10, Final Numbers:  115/42/118/.312/14

2. Joey Votto – In my preseason rankings, I put Votto in a tier called, “Yes, please.”  In my December Joey Votto keeper post, I said, “If Votto continues to progress, you’re looking at a guy that could easily give you 32 homers, 10 steals and a .300 average.  If you buy into Joey Votto for 2010, I’ll also throw in a climbing walk rate and OPS for absolutely free!”  And that’s me quoting me!  If you didn’t know I wanted you to draft Votto, you weren’t reading Razzball.  Preseason Rank #10, 2010 Projections:  90/30/105/.305/7, Final Numbers:  106/37/113/.324/16

3. Miguel Cabrera – About as consistent as they come.  Be forewarned, I’m strongly considering Miggy for the number one spot in all of fantasy baseball next year.  What was that about not overthinking things?  Preseason Rank #3, 2010 Projections:  105/35/115/.320/3, Final Numbers:  111/38/126/.328/3

4. Paul Konerko – Konerko’s one of those late round corner men that is always welcome in deep leagues and always ignored in shallow ones.  He falls between the cracks like C+ students.  This year, he took pitchers to school.  Will be really hard for me to expect anything along these lines next year from Konerko and he’ll probably surprise me again.  Preseason Unranked, 2010 Projections:  55/24/75/.260, Final Numbers:  89/39/111/.312

5. Adrian Gonzalez – Well, I’ve seen better seasons.  Miggy for one, that was a better season.  But it’s hard to hate too much on A-Gon.  At least he wasn’t Prince Fielder.  Or Justin Morneau.  Or Teixeira.  Preseason Rank #6, 2010 Projections:  90/38/100/.280, Final Numbers:  87/31/101/.298

6. Aubrey Huff – I didn’t have high hopes for him moving to a pitchers’ park/division.  Yeah, I was wrong.  Hey, even Spielberg made 1941.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  100/26/86/.290/7

7. Ryan Howard – I wanted the 40 homers from Howard and you did too.  So it’s hard to not look at this season as a slight letdown.  Really the whole Phillies offense this year was a letdown.  It’s Citizens Flank, hit some homers before some fans hit you.  Preseason Rank #5, 2010 Projections:  105/47/140/.275, Final Numbers:  87/31/108/.276/1

8. Nick Swisher – Swisher was the kind of pick that helped you win your league.  You draft a random schmohawk in the last rounds, you slot him at corner and he ends up better than your 1st round pick.  I’m farting in your general direction, Fielder.  Preseason Unranked for 1st Basemen, 2010 Projections:  80/30/90/.255, Final Numbers:  91/29/89/.288/1

9. Mark Teixeira – PABST:  Post-All-Star Break’s Stats Teixeira looked more like PBS BS:  Post-Break Stats Before September, which left him looking like a charity case most of the season.  Am I being tough?  Prolly.  Really only his average killed you.  I expect he’ll have a nice bounce back next year.  Preseason Rank #2, 2010 Projections:  100/37/120/.305, Final Numbers:  113/33/108/.256

10. Martin Prado – This is one of those ESPN Player Rater glitches that ranks someone high because of a good average and Runs.  Prado was no 1st baseman.  He was a good corner infidel.  Preseason Unranked for 1st Basemen, 2010 Projections:  70/8/60/.305, Final Numbers:  100/15/66/.307/5

11. Adam Dunn – And, on the hottest day of the year, he blew clouds over your house when your AC went out.  You’re welcome.  Preseason Rank #14, 2010 Projections:  80/40/100/.250, Final Numbers:  85/38/103/.260

12. Billy Butler – I didn’t like him going into 2010 and told people to avoid him.  And his stats still came in way under where I even thought he’d be with only 7.5 homers per moob.  He still wasn’t as big a moob as Kung Fu Panda who didn’t even make the top 30, let alone top 20.  Preseason Rank #18, 2010 Projections:  85/25/100/.295, Final Numbers:  77/15/78/.318

13. Prince Fielder – Where do I start?  Okay, how about the fluky nature of RBIs?  You really can’t blame Fielder for having less RBIs than Juan Uribe.  Then only 32 homers?  Yeah, you can blame that on the Chubbster.  He’s looking like the raison d’etre for Saberhagenmetrics.  One year good, one year bad and so it goes with Fielder.  And so it goes… Preseason Rank #4, 2010 Projections: 100/42/115/.285, Final Numbers:  94/32/83/.261/1

14. Victor Martinez – Went over him in the top 20 catchers for 2010 post.

15. Luke Scott – Luke, you are my waiver wire fodder.  In a few leagues where I had Scott, I had him for, like, three weeks and had 12 homers from him.  Doode gets hotter than a junebug’s belly.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  70/27/72/.284/2

16. Kevin Youkilis – His low ranking is deceiving.  Assuming you had the fortitude and gumption (gumpitude?) to grab a decent 1st baseman when Youuuuuuk went down, you did okay.  Preseason Rank #8, 2010 Projections:  95/27/105/.295/5, Final Numbers:  77/19/62/.307/4

17. Michael Cuddyer – He’s not exactly ranked high here, but it’s still scary how high he is considering how terrible his final stats are.  I mean, 14 homers?  Really?  Crimey a river, JT.  I think it’s pretty clear the steroid era is over and if someone can get you 30+ homers you must draft them high.  Preseason Rank #21, 2010 Projections:  85/24/95/.275/5, Final Numbers:  93/14/81/.271/7

18. Howie Kendrick – Huh?  At first base?  I’m gonna go over him in the next post on top 20 2nd basemen because this doesn’t make any sense to me.  Preseason Unranked for 1st Basemen, 2010 Projections:  85/12/70/.310/12, Final Numbers:  67/10/75/.279/14

19. Gaby Sanchez – He was in the 2nd Buy/Sell of the year as a lukewarm Buy and he never really moved beyond that.  Was a good pickup for NL-Only or very deep mixed leagues, but if you had Gaby anywhere but the corner infidel spot, you were in trouble.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  72/19/85/.273/5

20. Adam LaRoche – He actually had a decent first half this year (for him) that seemed like it would naturally turn into a career year because he’s always been such a better 2nd half player.  Too bad no one told LaRoche about any of this.  Preseason Rank #24, 2010 Projections:  70/27/80/.265, Final Numbers:  75/25/100/.261

Kyle Drabek, the Blue Jays top pitching prospect, was called up to start on Wednesday vs. the O’s.  Kyle Drabek is 24th on the top 50 prospects for fantasy baseball.  He has top of the rotation stuff and a good pedigree with his dad being the former Cy Young winner, Doug.  Or Guod if you’re dyslexic.  Or “Hey, look a bird,” if you have ADHD.  Well… Kyle Drabek had top of the rotation stuff.  Now he looks closer to a number 2 or 3.  His strikeout rate went from 10+ K/9 in A to 7+ in Double-A.  Word on the street is his velocity is down.  He’s obviously too young to write off.  Velocity could return with the gaudy Ks.  In keepers, I’d grab him in AL-Only, obviously.  In mixed league keepers, it needs to be deep for him to have any real value.  For this year, I’d be very cautious about starting him anywhere.  In his first two starts, he gets the M’s and O’s, or the Mo’s.  Not bad matchups, but starting rookie pitchers in the final weeks of the season is asking for trouble.  You just have no idea what he’s going to do in his cup of coffee, he may or may not get creamed.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Adam Lind – 1-for-2 with 22nd homer.  I’m sorry, I will like him again next year.  I’ll love him if he can train with the guy who trained Zobrist in the winter of 2009 and Bautista last winter.

Desmond Jennings – 2-for-4 with his 1st steal in his 2nd start.  Unfortunately, it’s taken two weeks to get two starts.  If there’s any sorta keeper league where he’s available, you must own him.  Or my name isn’t Grey Posdnuos Albright.

Jay Gibbons – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last 3 days.  Crazy as this is, he’s the hottest Dodger hitter.  They should show him jumping around on the Jumbotron and call him, The Rally Honkey.

Casey Coleman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  That’s nice, he’s still unownable.

Brennan Boesch – 0-for-1 with 2 steals.  What the– Oh, Jake Fox was catching for the O’s.  Unathletic like a Fox!

Brandon Inge – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last week.  In that time, he has a hit in all but one game and a steal.  Wouldn’t say he’s the most exciting pickup, but what’s Pablo Sandoval doing right now?  Yup.

Brayan Pena – 2-for-3 with a homer.  Now hitting near-.400 in the last week as he plays every day with Kendall’s shoulder mercifully letting the Royals go younger.  Pena has little power, but he’s never hit below .300 in 4 seasons of the minors.

Paul Konerko – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs with his 35th and 36th homers.  He’s also hitting .322.  Tomorrow… lassoing the moon!

Andres Torres – Going to miss about two weeks with an appendectomy.  When doctors said Torres is going to have something useless removed from his body, everyone in the Giants’ clubhouse thought the same thing, “What is Aaron Rowand doing in Torres’ body?”

Mat Latos – 4 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Not sure who’s madder, his H2H owners for him picking the worst time to be terrible or the Padres fans… Actually, I’ve only heard Padre fans existed, I’ve never met any.

Chris Young – Threw 5 2/3 IP in rehab.  He K’d Lindsay Lohan twice.  The Padres will be happy to get Young back.  Someone put the Tinactin on the top shelf and no one can reach it.  Also, the Padres could use an innings eater.  If Young gets starts, which I think he will, he’ll be worth using depending on the matchup.

Ian Kennedy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He now has a month of quality starts under his belt (and shot an elephant in his pajamas).  Kennedy gets the Pirates next.  That’s a “Yes,” and “Please.”

Justin Upton – Diamondbacks are shooting for an early this week return for J-Upside.  Keep in mind that if one setback occurs, they’re not going to risk Upton’s future.

Milton Bradley – Shutdown for the season.  Backdate that to March.

Josh Johnson – Didn’t need to be Nancy Reagan’s astrologer to see this one coming.  Johnson’s not coming back this year.

Emilio Bonifacio – 3-for-4 with a steal.  He’s now batting around .500 in the last week with three steals in the last three games.  Bonifacio’s capable of about a two week hot streak.  I’d get aboard in all leagues for the next week.

Mike Stanton – 3-for-4 with 2 more homers to bring his season total to 20 in 291 ABs.  Bill James’ 2011 projection for him will be… 40 homers?  42?  45?

Clay Hensley – Three games, three saves.  Should you pick him up?  Do your pits smell like onions?

Cliff Lee – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Yankees.  Nice audition, but Yankee rotation casting callbacks won’t happen until December.

Elvis Andrus – 1-for-3 with his 3rd steal in the last week.  Borbon has 2 steals in the last ten games.  Maybe Washington finally cut the brake line.

Josh Hamilton – MRI showed he has bruised ribs.  Yeah, no shizz.  Still no word when he’ll return, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s not until the final week of the season.  Baby’s black balloon deflates.

Jordan Zimmermann – 3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K vs. the Marlins.  That’s so bad I wouldn’t start him anywhere the rest of the year unless your shituation was dire.  I mean, c’mon, Charlie Hough wearing a Wolverine Mechanical Claw from Toys R Us could strike out more Marlins.

Raul Ibanez - Hit a homer yesterday and is batting over .400 in the last week.  Giraffe’s gestation period is shorter than it took Ibanez to get hot, but he’s there now.

Jimmy Rollins – Went for an MRI on his hammy while his owners feel like they got a yearlong whammy.

Johan Santana – No disrespect to our Al-Qaeda readers, but you had to be in a cave if you didn’t hear Johan’s headed for shoulder surgery.  He may not even be able to make it back for the beginning of next season.  Sounds a lot like Brandon Webb from this past preseason.  Knowing the Mets, it’ll be announced that Johan will return by April 15th then he won’t pitch until July.  I’m sure January Grey will have his take in the 2011 rankings.  January Grey, “Stop with all the pressure!”

Coco Crisp – Has 7 steals in the last 4 games (6 steals against the Red Sox in the last three).  Hello, V-Mart.  Goodbye, 1st base.

Josh Beckett – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Now has a 5.38 ERA on the year.  His FIP is over a run under his ERA and his K-rate is over 8.  It may not be glamorous to say, but I could see Red State Jeter having a bounce back next year.

Dan Haren – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Has a 3.04 ERA with the Angels.  Looks like he’s finally figured how to combat the 2nd half swoon.  Just pitch terribly in the 1st half.  Okay, close your eyes for a second.  Don’t worry, I won’t pickpocket you.  Now imagine Haren has a good 1st and 2nd half.  Ahh…

Hideki Matsui – 1-for-3 yesterday, hitting near-.450 over the last week with pop.  He then wrote a thought bubble above his wife that read, “Godzilla is so dreamy!”

Paul Konerko went 5-for-5 yesterday with his 31st homer.  Paul Konerko is also winning your league for you.  You had your back up against the wall.  You took Hanley in the first round, Halladay in the 2nd and then you hit the 20th round and you were like, “Hmm… I totally screwed myself by not taking a 1st baseman.  Do I take that guy on the Marlins with a girl’s name or should I take Konerko?”  When you took Konerko, you figured you would need to trade for someone.  Whoa, what’s this?  Konerko’s hitting?  “Hey, baby, you’re eating dinner by yourself tonight.  Paul Konerko due up sixth this inning, according to Fantasycast.  Now please don’t come into my man cave.”  When you go to the White Sox Fantasy Camp in seven years, you can tell him how he won your league for you while ruining your marriage.  These late round fliers in drafts are always so maddening.  If I would’ve just took Konerko instead of Stupid-Face Headley.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mark Buehrle – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  His season ERA is down to 3.87 and 12 wins is pretty good, but that’s now 8 Ks in 28 IP for August.  Is there a less aptly-surnamed player in the game?  Seems like Mark Crafty or Mark Wiley would be better names.

Alexei Ramirez – 3-for-5 with his 14th homer.  Has hit in all but 2 of his last 25 games.  Was a bit wonky last year, but this year’s been a solid bounce back, outside of April, of course.

Pedro Feliz – Traded to the Cards for Carpenter.  Holy effin– It’s David Carpenter, Grey. Ah, thanks, random italicized voice, how can I ever repay you?  Pay it forward. Now Feliz and La Russa can start an afterhours club, The Happy Drunk.  Women and squirrels get in for free.  I wouldn’t pick up Feliz with your team.

Nyjer Morgan – 2-for-5 with his 30th steal as he returned from the DL.  He should be owned in every league or, I should say, I wish I were in a league where he was available.   I also wish I had a Ferrari with a graham cracker steering wheel that I could nibble on at red lights, so we obviously can’t get everything we want.

Brian Matusz – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Has had 3 solid starts in his last four, but the non-solid (loose? runny?) start was a mess.  I’d tread carefully.

Alex Sanabia – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His Ks to walks aren’t bad, but he gave up 7 earned in 2 innings vs. the Giants in his last game.  I’d let someone else take on the risk.

Gaby Sanchez – 1-for-4 with his 13th homer.  Yo Gaby Gaby!  Yeah, he’s been yawnstipating all year.  You think you’re drafting a late round sleeper with upside and you get Lyle Overbay.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-4 and hitting .500 over the last week.  Who knew?  I did, and now you should too.

Michael Brantley – Twisted his ankle and left the game, but x-rays were negative.  He’s day-to-day.  C’mon, man, the Indians’ pennant hopes are riding on you!

Ronny Cedeno – Out for a week with shoulder discomfort, but doesn’t expect to go to the DL.  He’s still contemplating going to New Hampshire disguised as Johnny Cakes.

Jerry Blevins – The Beav picked up his first career save.  Don’t get excited, Wuertz needed a day off and Bailey is on the way back.  Maybe it’s because his first name is Jerry, but I read his name and hear Jerry Lewis’s voice (Hey there nice lady…Blevins!)

Carlos Zambrano – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Big Z’s recent string of starts look good on the surface, but he’s walked 12 guys to 9 Ks.  Belch.

Vicente Padilla – To the DL with a bulging disk in his neck.  He has an appointment tomorrow with Dr. Frankenstein.

Ted Lilly – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Let’s see….Lilly was bad in the NL Central this year and amazing for the Dodgers.  Randy Wolf was amazing last year for the Dodgers and has been awful in the NL Central.  I think we know where Aaron Harang will be pitching next year.

Dustin Pedroia – Missed yesterday’s game with a sore foot because he keeps chewing through his cone.

Travis Wood – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Another great start for the Reds rookie.  The Reds front office figured out the secret to keeping Dusty from killing all the young arms – develop so many of them that he isn’t able to focus on one.  Like Ronnie in a flock of South Beach grenades.

Ramon Hernandez – 2-for-5 with a homer.  His playing time has been all over the map, but he’s hitting .333 in the last week and near that for the month.

Bud Norris – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I have much love for the 112 Ks in 106 2/3 IP.  I wanna like Bud Norris so much, and I can see really liking him going into 2011, but his 1.43 WHIP is a little scary.  Would definitely give him a whirl in H2H leagues under the right circumstances.

Brandon Lyon – If there was any doubt, Lyon got the save yesterday.  He’s your closer, kids (and non-kids).

J.J. Putz – Out with inflammation in his knee.  Putz… Inflammation… Shiver.  Saves will go to Jenks, who pitched for the first time in a week yesterday, or Thornton, probably in that order, but there’s no guarantees with Ozzie.

Josh Beckett – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  There’s not enough time left to be waiting for Beckett.  I’d lose him in most redraft leagues and just play matchups with that spot.

Will Rhymes – 2-for-4, should see fairly regular time and has lots of speed.  Not worth a look outside of AL-Only leagues, but there ya go, ho.  Whoa!  Rhymes.

Jonathan Sanchez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Sonavabench!

Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-4 with his third homer in the last week.  Now has 9 homers on the year, or 4 1/2 homers per moob.  Not a great Moob to Home Run ratio (M:HR).

Austin Kearns – 2-for-4 with 2 RBIs.  I’d say he’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but that’s a lie.  He won’t be.  He’s here.  Now.  Batting over .400 in the last week and is in a great place for RBIs.  I could see him being benched if A-Rod needs time at DH, but if you have room to juggle some bench bats, I’d grab Kearns.

Phil Hughes – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks and his 15th win.  If I had a tenderoni that had anywhere near that many wins, I think I’d love him for the rest of my life.

Lance Berkman – If you don’t have DL room, you don’t hold Berkman.  The days of shooting up are gone and 34-years-old is old. <– sounds like Belle & Sebastian lyrics.