Fantasy Baseball Advice

Matt Kemp doesn’t seem like he cares.  Well, about anything outside of protecting Rihanna’s honor and piercings.  I don’t blame him.  The GM questions his defense.  The manager plays Jay Gibbons over him.  Andre Ethier gets all the cool pink shirts.  Manny was recently overheard saying, “What does a man have to do to get a cool pink shirt up in this mug?!”  I contemplated not going with Kemp for this lead because it’s past a lot of people’s trade deadlines.  If it’s past your deadline, skip down to the Buy section, there will be plenty of schmohawks to grab off waivers.  If it’s not past your deadline, there’s few top players whose value is lower than Matt Kemp right now.  Kemp’s owners right now are having flashbacks to last season when he was batting behind the pitcher.  Torre’s a Sciosciapath with Kemp, his owners know it.  So, step one for value is achieved, Kemp’s price tag is cheaper than his value.  Could Kemp continue to suck on the suckhole for the rest of the year?  I suppose, loyal Razzball reader.  But he’s also capable of a 7+ homer, 5+ steal month and there’s not a lot of guys that can say that, especially at his current price.  Anyway, here’s more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Hisabobby Takafelicianell – No relation to Zoey Deschanel, if anyone was wondering.  This shituation would be clearer if we only had some idea who setup K-Rod in the Family Lunge.  Did Parnell help setup the in-law with a stomach punch or nipple twist?  Did Feliciano come in with a left hook?  Did R.A. Dickey give him a knuckle sandwich?  Hard to know.  I think Hisanori or Feliciano are the best bets going forward.

Aaron Heilman – I wouldn’t even mention him if he were owned in more than 18% of ESPN leagues.  You want saves, you grab Heilman.  That is all.

Michael Wuertz – Another guy I’d own before the Hisabobby mess.

Octavio Dotel – SAGNOF!

Brandon Lyon – The five earned runs the other day still stings in my nether regions.  Or maybe that’s an STD.  Anyhoo!  Lindstrom’s either falling apart or injured.  Grab Lyon for the vultures.

Jeremy Hellickson – I haven’t talked about Hellickson nearly enough.  Not!  Should you pick him up?  Yacht!

Mike Minor – The Minor problem (hehe) is his time in the rotation may be limited.  No problems with his stuff though.

Brandon Morrow – How is he owned in less than 50% of Yahoo and ESPN leagues?  He leads the majors in K-rate.  Get it together, people.

Ryan Raburn – Only a Buy because he has 2nd base eligibility and he’s capable of 15 homers… Sure, that’s in over 400 at-bats.  But that’s .04 homers per at-bat!

Omar Infante – I feel silly constantly recommending a guy I don’t even particularly like myself.  Shoot, only two guys are excited about Infante.  Charlie Manuel and Smash Mouth.  Omar, you’re an All-Star, go to third base, get paid.

Jed Lowrie – Has very little speed and power… He’s kinda like Omar Infante without the hype.  You might be thinking to yourself, “Omar Infante doesn’t have any hype.”  Exactly!  Lowrie is hitting .444 for the last week and has been known to get hot for a month at a time in the later months of the year.  Or for one month, once in his career (August 2008).

Jerry Hairston Jr. – Hitting near .500 over the last week with 3 homers.  It just doesn’t get better than that!  Well, it might, but he’s currently hot.

Mike Lowell – If I saw a contending team pick up Lowell, I’d send them a message, “Hey, you could still win this thing, why are you giving up?”  They’ll respond with a variation of, “Why do you say I’m giving up?”  Me, “Because you picked up Mike Lowell.”  Then within a few days, they’ll drop him.  Even if he’s hitting well.  Lowell’s just one of those players that you pick up and feel like you’re just not trying hard enough.

Carlos Delgado – Once Delgado is called up, the Red Sox are going to have the best 2003 platoon ever.

Pat Burrell – Same category as Lowell, not as good eligibility.  Hopefully the newly-acquired Jose Guillen doesn’t hurt his playing time.  re: Guillen; Good to see Brian Sabean hasn’t lost his flair for the flat-footed vet who should be a DH.  You know who Sabean should acquire to play first?  Big Papi.  Or bring Griffey back to play center.  Or at least platoon with Aaron Rowand.  It’s the mannequin defense.  Most times the defense alignment means moving guys in and out, right and left.  For the Giants outfield, they have to decide if they want to play their fielders with their gloves in the air for a fly ball or on the ground because once the ball is hit there is no time for them to move their arms.  John Dewan heard about the Guillen signing — on top of the recent Burrell signing — and held up his Fielding Bible yelling, “Blasphemer!”

Michael Brantley – Had 46 steals in Triple-A in 2009.  Had 13 steals in only 67 games this year.  If you need more, I’m not sure I can help you.

Ryan Ludwick – I could’ve put Chris Denorfia in this list too, but because of a lot of red tape and legalese I’m not allowed to put three Padre hitters in the Buy section.  (Though you could say I just did mention Denorfia.  Sneaky!)

David Murphy – I’ve been pimping this schmohawk for about a week.  Why, Grey, why so much love? Cause he’s hot, random italicized voice.  Oh, thought there might be more to it. Nope, he’s hitting over .400 in the last week with three homers.  Pretty interesting. Okay, you interject, random italicized voice.  You don’t converse.  Snippy!

SELL

Jason Bay – This obviously isn’t a Sell as much as a Drop, but my OCD doesn’t allow me to change the headings.  Think back when you first drafted Bay.  You convinced yourself that he could hit in Metco and the NL.  You were wrong.  Accept defeat and drop him.  Even if he returns, David Murphy has done more in a week than Bay did all year.

Carlos Beltran – Another one of your Mr. Bungle moves.  Really, at this time of the year, I don’t have patience for underperforming guys.  What’s Beltran suddenly going to be, his 2006 self?  Let’s live in the present.  Currently, Beltran has one homer and is batting .214.  That’s nice… Punt!

Chase Headley – Hey, I was a fan of the sleeper Headley in the preseason, but doode never woke up.  He has 4 homers and 4 steals in his last 200+ ABs.  I just popped a zit in a mirror and the puss spelled out, “Blech.”

Ted Williams hit a HR in his last AB.  John Elway won his 2nd straight Super Bowl in his last start.  Chipper Jones eschewed a standing ovation in favor of a reclining operation.  Sometimes you don’t appreciate greatness until it hits the DL.  In between all the injuries, Chipper Jones has had one of the top 5 careers for a 3rd basemen in WAR (behind only Schmidt, Eddie Mathews, Boggs and Brett).  Fairly well, Glass Chipper, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars while trying not to pull any ligaments.  Omar Infante should now play every day for the rest of the year even after Prado returns.  He’s a solid average contributor and… Well… Uh…  Yeah, average.  That’s it.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Freddie Freeman – Frank Wren says the injury to Chipper doesn’t change Freeman’s timetable.  Glaus’ inability to hit anything other than weak grounders to the shortstop could change that timetable though.  Right now, I don’t think we see Freeman until September.  Stay tuned!  Or not.  Your choice.

Jonathan Papelbon – 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  I’m already dreading the ongoing storyline of 2011 that will lead to questions like this, “Grey, when will Bard take over the closer job?  When will Papelbon get traded?  How do you get your mustache so full?”

Jed Lowrie – 1-for-3 with his 1st homer.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  I’m still waiting for Chacin from last week?! He didn’t get called up like he was supposed to so there was no reason to mention him in the Buy/Sell, random italicized voice.  You’re lucky I’m forgiving.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 2-for-4.  Salty’s bachia.  He’ll be backing up V-Mart primarily, but in two catcher or AL-Only leagues I’d try some Salty.  Just make sure no one seasons the plate right before you.

Bobby Jenks – Left the game with a bad back.  Weird, cause he looks like he’s in such good shape.  I think Rubenesque is the term.  Putz and Thornton are the pickups, in that order.  Though it could easily go the other way.

Matt Cain – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I know it’s of little consolation but he was unlucky in the first inning to give up 2 of those runs.  Then again, he’s been lucky for two years straight so I guess it’s only fair.

Pat Burrell – 2 HRs, 5 RBIs.  You know this’ll only encourage Brian Sabean to sign more over the hill players.  He must be stewing about missing out on Jim Edmonds.

Pablo Sandoval – 2-for-4 with a homer.  The Panda’s hitting almost .400 in the last week on something other than a scale.

Casey McGehee – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 18th homer.  This is what Rudy said to me on IM yesterday, “I wish we got McGehee on more teams.  You and your freakin’ Headley.”  Only he didn’t use the word freakin’.

Stephen Drew – Hit his 2nd homer in as many games.  This guy’s about two years overdue for a hot streak.  Could surprise with a big final month and a half.  Though, technically, it wouldn’t be that surprising since I’m pointing it out.  Neverthehoo!

Shane Victorino – Activated from the DL and that makes the 2010 Domonic obsolete.  In keepers, hold tight.  In redraft leagues, you gotta let Brown go.

Carlos Ruiz – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs.  He’s been hitting the ball well in the last ten days.  I gotta fess up, I haven’t mentioned Ruiz because I know the mention of any hot hitting catcher leads to a cacophony of “Should I drop Napoli for ______?”

Ryan Howard – Says he should be able to return at or around August 17th.  Hopefully everyone’s got their infieluenza shot.

Jonathan Broxton – Gave up three earned runs and recorded no outs.  This is the kind of outing that loses closers their job.  I seriously doubt if he gets the next save chance.  I’m not sure if he’ll be officially replaced or if he’s just given a rest from closing.  I think it’ll be the latter, but you never know.  I’d grab Octavio Dotel everywhere, in the non-perverse way.

Jeanmar Gomez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Jeanmar, may I ask if you’re Flemish?  Why do you ask? Because saying your name makes me hock up phlegm.

Michael Brantley – 4-for-5 with a steal and 9-for-24 with a homer since his recall.  Could be a cheap source of steals.  SAGNOF!

Jason Kubel – Yesterday, he hit his 6th homer since the All-Star break.  Member when I ranked him crazy high in my 2nd half rankings?  I don’t want to say I told ya so, but isn’t the essence of the ‘I told ya so’ said by saying ‘I don’t want to say I told ya so.’

Kevin Slowey – Will start on Sunday vs. the A’s.  I’m not sure if that’s the good news or the bad news.

Ryan Ludwick – It’s actually pretty interesting how hitters get hot, I talk about them for about a week then they go cold and there’s a new batch.  Maybe it’s only interesting to me.  If you’ve been following since Monday, you already know what Ludwick did yesterday.  *SPOILER ALERT* It’s the same thing he’s done three times this week.

Jon Garland – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I know the first rule of Razzball is you do not talk about Razzball, but if you were ever to explain a hodgepadre to someone.  Here’s an easy way.  Garland’s Away ERA is 4.52.  In Petco, 2.69.

Jose Reyes – 2-for-4, 2 steals.  Everyone else is catching charges so Reyes decided to start stealing.

Johan Santana – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Clearly he’s as good at picking apart a lineup as he is at getting picked out of a lineup.

Hisabobby Takafelicianell – The Mets bullpen is in tatters… Shattered.  Key syllable is shat.  Will the closer be Brother Rob or Disco Bobby Parnell?  Feliciano just cut his hair and is no longer interesting.  Hisanori is a fun name to say, but does Manuel go there?  Don’t know.  Do the Mets even get a save?  Hard to say.  I grabbed Hisanori and Parnell, then I dropped Parnell and grabbed Feliciano.  Then I dropped Feliciano, took a steam, had dinner and benched Hisanori.  Now, I’m exhausted.

Francisco Rodriguez – To the restricted list and could be out for a few days or longer.  Mets fans are just upset he isn’t married to Omar Minaya’s daughter.

Francisco Rodriguez was arrested for assaulting his father-in-law.  That’s going to make for awkward holidays.  Or maybe they’ll skip Christmas and celebrate Boxing Day.  Fred Wilpon needs to put some rubber bands in his beard and get K-Rod and Tony “Shirtless” Bernazard into the squared circle.  During the fight, Johan was seen comforting K-Rod’s wife.  Johan, “She was looking for the changeup, and I went with the heater.”  K-Rod will probably miss a few games while he responds to attorney emails.  Oddly enough, K-Rod isn’t the easiest guy to handcuff.  His backups in no particular order:  Bobby Parnell, who I believe is the little black kid from Role Models, isn’t very good, Manny Acosta isn’t much better, Elmer Dessens is the guy who sells fresh corn on the side of the road when you’re driving through a rural town and Pedro Feliciano is related to Pedro Feliz, I think.  Frankly, I’d avoid the whole Mets mess.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Miguel Montero – Was a part of a back-to-back-to-back-to-back homer job with Adam LaRoche, Mini Donkey and Stephen Drew as they did work on Bush.  Hey, Googlers of back-to-back + Bush.  Betcha this isn’t the kind of fantasy site you were looking for, was it?  And for those that found us by Googling Donkey + Bush –> I’m kinda skeeved.

Daniel Hudson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I picked him up when he was traded into the NL with the expectation that I’d only own him for one start, but I haven’t seen one red flag yet.

Pat Burrell – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in ten games as he bats .357 this month.  It’s Pat the Bat and he’s swinging, ladies.

Andres Torres – 2-for-3 with two steals and has 4 steals in the last week.  He stops hitting homers; he starts stealing bases.  What’s not to love?

Cliff Lee – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks.  The Adverb now has 137 Ks and 9 BBs on the year.  Incredible Lee.

Brandon Lyon – 1 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Why is God punishing me?  Was it the cat I kicked in college?  I was on shrooms and Mr. Wigglenose said, “Freakin’ furball,” but I thought I heard, “I’m a free kickball.”  After the cat landed, we laughed about the confusion.  Mr. Wigglenose forgave me, why want you?!  Why?!

Matt Lindstrom – Will be out for a few days with a sore back, which could turn into a longer absence.  Well, maybe Lyon’s not so bad.  Oh my God, I have a sickness for vulture saves.

Mike Stanton – 5-for-5, 2 Runs, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer.  Next year, you’re not going to be able to get anywhere near Stanton for a reasonable price so enjoy him now while you can.

Logan Morrison – 3-for-4 with 3 Runs.  Hitting .283 and zero homers in his first two weeks in the majors.  It’s okay; there’s time.  Power will come and, unlike Stanton, the average will be fine.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-5 with 2 homers.  Now has 9 homers and 12 steals on the year.  He’s going to end the year around 12 homers and 15 steals and suck me right back in again next year.

Ryan Raburn – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer this week.  Ryan Raburn is soooo valuable– Wait, that’s Gene Raburn.  Raburn’s playing every day, has pop and he should have 2nd base eligibility in your league.  If he doesn’t, fire your commissioner.

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Wandwagon (7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks) as it was Throwback To 2009 Day at The Juice Box.  Hanson hasn’t had a terrible game since June, so it might be a little late for this, but hopefully Hanson drops a few turds the rest of the way so he’s undervalued in 2011 drafts.  Could Hanson be better than Lincecum in 2011?  Discuss amongst yourselves.

Jerry Hairston Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer in the last four games.  These guys don’t stay hot forever, but he’s hot right now.  Hairston was also my pickup for today’s short schedule.

Chris Denorfia – 2-for-3 with a steal.  Now batting .455 over the last week.  Another guy that could go cold any day now, but is hot right now.

Jhoulys Chacin – Potential to start on August 20th, depending on how well Esmil Rogers looks in his next start.  Esmil Rogers said, “Holy chicken mole, this is a lot of pressure.”

Carlos Quentin – 2-for-2 with a homer in his 2nd straight game.  Please stay hot and avoid injury.  That is all.

Brad Bergesen – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Indians.  He strikes out less than 4 batters per 9 innings and he’s on a terrible team in a bad division.  In the offseason, Bergesen was hurt while filming a commercial.  See, he’s not good at pitching, in every sense of the word.

Brian Roberts – 3-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last three games.  May be a surprising contributor for your H2H playoffs.

Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Right now, his line is 17-6/1.99/0.97/158.  Spectacular, even if Larry King and I both want to call him, Adam Wainwright III.

Colby Rasmus – 2-for-5 with a grand slam.  He’s more or less taken a dump since I put him in my Sell column about two months, but Colby’s a Survivor.  I’m going to be pushing hard to own Colby next year, but will have to see where he’s going to be drafted.  Right now, I’d say he’ll be drafted as a 3rd outfielder, but with a hot finish or a crazy Spring Training he could get drafted as a 2nd outfielder and become a bit too expensive.  Though a 30/15 year in 2011 doesn’t seem too far of a stretch.

Chris Carter – 0 for his first 9 in the bigs.  It’s tempting to say screw it and drop him, but I’d give him a week in redraft leagues.

Jon Niese – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I thought he was hitting a wall, but now I think he might’ve just been showing a blip on the radar.  Definitely worth owning again.

Jered Weaver – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks to extend his major league lead in Ks to 182 (in only 163 IP).  All of this while resembling the female gym teacher in your high school.

Clay Buchholz – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, a 2.49 ERA and a Cainian ERA to xFIP difference.

Bill Hall – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs with 2 homers.  Guess how many homers he has on the year.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  *taps finger, scratches head, swigs from a bottle of Night Train*  15 homers!  What?  Is that only insane to me?

Mike Lowell – 3-for-4, a day after hitting a homer.  He’s in a good position to succeed for about a month if his body holds up.

Ross Gload – To the DL with a right groin strain.  Until Howard returns, the area around 1st base will be Sweeney *pinkie to mouth* sod.

Chad Billingsley – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. Roy Oswalt who went 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks as I got the dreaded double sonavabench!

Matt Kemp – Didn’t start again in one of the easiest parks to hit in.  Does Torre think he’s Steve Kemp?  Did Kemp make fun of Torre for picking his nose?  Does Torre keep playing Gibbons as an homage to Jane Goodall?

Chase Utley was placed on the 15-day DL with a sprained thumb and he might need surgery.  This injury opens up a big gaping hole in his owners’ hearts that can only be filled with junk food and hardcore drugs.  Utley may not have been playing his weight in pomade, but at least you had him out there.  At night when you crawled into your Michelob-scented bedsheets, your head hit the pillow knowing that if nothing else Utley was healthy.  Looks like you’re going to have to dust off the “Sounds of the Ocean” CD you used to help you sleep when your wife left you.  Phillies will turn to Wilson Valdez, Juan Catastrophe and Brian Bocock, whose surname is bad enough without me altering it.   Hopefully your options are better.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Placido Polanco – Crapolanco also heads off to the DL.  Too bad because he was leading David Wright in All-Star votes for 3rd base.  Hold on, whaaaaa???  Oh.  Wait, what?  If his vote tally goes up while he’s on the DL, I’m gonna suggest players can’t vote for themselves.

Chris Carpenter – As reported here before I ever read it elsewhere then re-reporting it after I did read it elsewhere, Carp could miss his next start because of the comebacker he took off his forearm.

Albert Pujols – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.  ESPN dedicated three minutes to Pujols yesterday with only two mentions of Strasburg.

Felipe Lopez – 4-for-5 with a steal and 6 for his last 9.  Worth taking a look at if you lost Pedroia or Utley.

David Freese – Is on ice for 15 days with a sprained right ankle.  Or as doctors call it, “a rankle.”

Dexter Fowler – As Hawpe nurses his ribs back to succulency, the Rockies called up a Razzball favorite, Dexter Fowler.  Fowler still doesn’t have an everyday job in the outfield.  Can the Rockies please ship off Hawpe and Spilborghs?  Fowler has great speed and good on base skills.  If he gets starts, I’ll be more excited.  I still grabbed him in all but one league where I was beat to the punch by Behrens.  Behrens!

Joel Zumaya – Will miss the rest of the season with a displaced fracture of his… It hurts just to type it.  It’s not good.  Let’s move on.

Alfonso Soriano – 2-for-4, 2 homers.  Looked like his Mummy knees were starting to unravel in June (4 homers, .229 this month), but last night was a nice sign of life.  (Of course I was sonavabenched by him last night, but that’s my ulcer.)

Ryan Doumit – 2-for-3 with his 7th homer.  Been Doumit out power since June 5th, but he’s the type to hit them in bunches like a horny monkey.

John Lackey - 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  That’s cool, I dropped him in a league yesterday.  I’m done with this schmohawk.  You can’t start him at home, in away games he’s taking on the Yanks, Rays and 1927 Blue Jays.  It’s over for Lackey and I.  I should’ve never drafted him to begin with.  Have a nice life, don’t write!

Bill Hall – 1-for-3 and a homer as he filled in for Pedroia.  Hopefully Hall’s brother doesn’t follow the lead of Dustin’s brother, Pedo Pedroia.

Adrian Beltre – 4-for-4 as he hits .349 on the year.  That translates to .270 at Safeco and .220 in a non-contract year.

Carl Crawford – 4-for-5 and a steal as he pulled back on the road after his shoulder issue.

B.J. Upton – Sat out, but the dork in the Buddy Holly glasses said it wasn’t because of his argument with Longoria.  Longoria said, “Yes, it was.”

Roger Bernadina – 1-for-4 with a steal.  Has now hit in nine of his last ten games, though he only has one multi-hit game in there.  He’s making a case for the leadoff spot and has shown some power and speed with 5 homers and 7 steals in 162 ABs while batting near .300.  It’s not spectacular, but in deep leagues it’s worth the flyer.

Joey Votto – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer.  I <3 Votto.

Mike Leake – 6 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks as the Leake floods your ERA basement.  You guys had a good run.  Get his address and you can write to him when he’s on someone else’s team.

Gavin Floyd – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. Has now strung together 5 solid starts.

J.J. Putz – Got the save as Jenks continues to be away from the team.  Jenks will return within the next day or so, but this does tell us a bit about what Ozzie is thinking regarding Thornton and Putz.  Worth noting in case Jenks is traded.

Russell Branyan – 1-for-4 as he hit 3rd.  Really?  He’s your three hole hitter?  This is like when you and your lady breakup because you’re a damn fool and thought the new girl would be so much better and let you play your video games and cook for you and laugh at your corny jokes.  Branyan is the new girl, he is not better than the old girl.

Nick Swisher – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  I almost sat him vs. The Adverb.  Sonavabenching averted.

Phil Hughes – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Looks like the Hughes Rules in regards to skipping his rotation turn is working as well as the Joba Rules.

Matt LaPorta – Back from the minors only a few games and already homered.  It’s a nice sign.  Those of you hurting for a decent corner infidel will want to keep an eye on LaPorta.  We might have a live one, ya’ll.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 0 for his last 12.  Yeah, his worth-owning streak might have officially come to a close.

Prince Fielder – He got a little “How’s your father?” in yesterday’s 2nd half hitter post and hit 2 homers yesterday.  And only one of them was a solo shot!

Wilson Betemit – 2-for-4 and is hitting .480 over his 25 ABs this year.  Not getting consistent playing time, but the peasant Royals may want to reconsider that.

Denard Span – 4-for-4, 3 Triples, 2 Runs and 5 RBIs.  Look at Denard Dawg getting it done.  Probably will have a career year for steals in 2010 with the way he’s cut down his caught stealings.

Pat Burrell – 2-for-3 with his 5th homer as he bats .344 so far with the Giants.  Maybe it’s good he’s in San Fran so he can focus on baseball and not girls.  No, not in that way.  He was going through a messy divorce in Tampa and said he was having a hard time focusing.  In San Fran, he can focus on nothing but bats and balls.  No, still not like that.

Clint Barmes – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Here’s another MI that you can look at if you just lost Utley.  Barmes can give you a couple of ropers while only hurting you in average.

Huston Street – Recorded his first save of the year.  Member when you drafted him and you thought he’d be healthy by mid-April?  Good times!

Manny Ramirez – Left the game with an injured hamstring.  Better get Vladimir Shpunt on the horn!

Matt Kemp – 2-for-4.  Until Manny was hurt, Kemp was out of the starting lineup for the third straight day.  In related Rihanna news, Chris Brown has a new single.

Mike Napoli – Hit his team-leading 14th homer yesterday as the Angels keep trying to shop him for some power.  Can’t make this stuff up.

Leo Nunez – 1 IP, 2 ER as he recorded the newly-coined glossary term, sphinctory.

Brad Lidge – 1 IP, 3 ER.  Lidge now has 5 saves, 2 blown saves and a 5.25 ERA.  Good that he has the closer mentality, because without that intangible he’d be out of a job.

Wilson Valdez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs as he hit a homer filling in for Utley.  After the game, he met with a youngster named, Wilson Beepee, to assure him his name won’t always elicit jeers.

.288/.378/.535 in A and AA.  Pedro Almodovar!  Wait, rechecking my notes.  Pedro Alvarez!  Last year, Robot Jones and The Dread Pirate Triple Lindy’d into the Pirates mucky-muck with a certain panache (Pretentious Word of the Day!).  Next up, is The Smashbuckler, the Pirates future 3rd baseman.  Argh, into the bilgewater you go, LaRoche!  You landlubber!  Finally, Robot Jones and The Dread Pirate have a decent teammatey.  Okay, I’m shutting off my English to Pirate translator.  Alvarez took some time in 2009 to get going again after a broken hamate bone slowed him in 2008.  By the 2nd half of the year, Alvarez was hitting for average and power in Double-A.  (A September Scouting the Unknown further broke down Pedro Alvarez minor league stats.)  He’s done more of the same in Triple-A this year.  See no reason why he can’t continue the same trajectory in the majors, assuming he hasn’t had any lengthy conversations with Alex Gordon.  Moderate power, less than moderate speed and decent average.  After his call-up, let’s say a line of Runs/15/RBIs/.270/3 in 350 ABs.  In keepers, pursue aggressively.  In redraft leagues, depends on your current corner infidel situation.  Though I will say that if he hits out of the gate, his value will go sky high and then you can trade him for a piece more valuable than him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brandon Phillips – Walt Jocketty said Phillips’s hammy won’t require a DL stint.  Phillips said, “I’d kinda like to hear what a doctor has to say.”

Alfredo Simon – Was activated from the DL.  Juan Schmoil said he’ll ease Simon back into the closer role so if you have room, I would wait until Simon earns a save before cutting Hernandez.  Though ‘fredo can handle things!  He’s smart!

Rich Harden – Landed on the DL.  Ah, finally vintage Harden returns.

Matt Holliday – 2-for-4 as he had his coming out party from the two hole, which appropriately has POO-Holes protecting him.  Hey, whatever gets Holliday back from his extended vacay.

Colby Rasmus – 1-for-3 as he hit his 12th homer.  Rasmus appears in this afternoon’s post, but not in the most favorable light.  So Rasmus owners better wear their miner’s helmets.

Jair Jurrjens – Threw in his first rehab start.  Was hit around a bit with poor control.  But he’s on the road to recovery, as they say in rehab.  Should be activated in the next few weeks barring any setbacks.

Erick Aybar – Left the game after being taken out on a slide by Casey McGehee.  Ooh, that heated Angels/Brewers rivalry.  Interleague fail.  Injury looked pretty bad, Aybar will probably head off to the DL.  Izturis should fill in.  Maicer, what goes on, Maicer?  Not a whole lot, actually.

Ryan Braun – Hit his 2nd homer in four games, a grand slam.  And you were worried.  Oh, you!  Braun has 45 RBIs on the year, McGehee has 47 and Hart has 44.  No wonder Fielder has only 24.  There’s only so many to go around.  And for Fielder it’s a long way around.  Fat joke!

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks in Petco.  In related news, every pitcher with a no-trade clause has the Padres as an exception.

John Buck – Hit his 10th and 11th homers last night.  So he’s been more valuable than McCann.  Whatever.  I’m bitter.  BUCK!

Aaron Hill – 3-for-5 with 3 doubles.  Not to rain on the first positive for Hill in a while, but last year those doubles would’ve been homers.

Jonathan Sanchez – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s dropped his BB/9 by nearly a full walk from last year.  His K/BB is the highest it’s been in his career.  He’s dropped his 2009 WHIP of 1.37 to 1.15 so far this year.  His BAA is .202.  He’s just under a 9 K/9.  Yes, it’s true.  I love me some Filthy Sanchez.

Pat Burrell – Now has 2 homers in the last 4 games as he hits .407 on the Giants.  If you need a power outfielder, Pat’s got the hot bat injection.

Matt Wieters – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer.  Let’s hope 2011 is kinder to current rookie catcher phenoms, Posey and Santana, than 2010 has been to Wieters.  But because we ask so little of catchers, if Wieters gets to 15 homers this year, which he easily can, this year won’t look bad in retrospect.  It’s no John Buck year, but really nothing is.  BUCK!

Elvis Andrus – Ron Washington indicated he may limit Andrus and Borbon if they can’t up their stealing percentages.  This sounds like Washington playing mind games to get his youngsters to pick their spots better.  I’d take this with a grain of salt.  Whoa, Washington, I said that’s salt!