The election for the Sons of Sam Horn government would be an ever-evolving oligarchy. David Ortiz (1-for-3) would be the honorary Papi emeritus, Dustin Pedroia would be the Secretary of Sparky Anklebiters, Alejandro De Aza (2-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs) would be a stunt double in case of an assassination attempt, Pablo Sandoval (2-for-4, 2 runs) would be the ambassador to the International House of Pancakes, Wade Miley (6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.88) would be in charge of the Armed Farces and the election for president would be a popularity contest between Brock Holt (4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .309) and Mookie Betts (3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI) after Jackie Bradley Jr. was told to take a walk. For a half season last year, Holt hit .327 with three homers and six steals. So, he’s done this over an extended period of time before, and yesterday was the first day the Red Sox really have looked themselves all year, so I highly doubt Holt will fall much lower than the two hole in the lineup any time soon. If he’s available in your league, I’d definitely grab him. Brock Holt! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It’s a story that’s been told many times before and will be told many times to come.  It’s the story of the Colorado Rockies and their travels throughout the land at sea level.  I won’t bore you with the retelling but I will tell you about a young man named Vincent Velasquez.  Double V (VV for short) is all of 23 and full of piss and vinegar.  He was impressive enough in double A for the Astros to call him right up.  There he was posting a handy 12.6 K/9 with a 1.37 ERA and sub 1 WHIP.  Sure, it was double A and this is the bigs, but I was impressed by the kid’s composure in his debut and the Ks didn’t stop there (5 in 5 IP).  The 4 walks aren’t great, obviously, but he was able to pitch himself out of trouble when he needed to.  The price is right here as well.  VV is priced barely above the slew of relief pitchers on DK at $5,500.  Circling back to the oft told story of the Rockies on the road where they struggle oh so mightly and everything is coming up V.  On the 5 game early slate, he pairs nicely with Scott Kazmir for a K-happy 1-2 punch that sounds like a winner to me.  Fear not, on this rare split Tuesday I’ll provide a little something something for the early games as well as the night caps.  It’s a nice day to throw together an early tournament lineup or two and maybe some H2H games and then parlay those early winnings into some night time buy-ins.  It’s a full day of DFS fun for us junkies and I can’t wait to dive in.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 25 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Razzball Exclusive! The Twins were seen on Saturday at the Factory Outlet Mall in St. Paul, shopping for an outfielder. Unhappy with the selection — everything was odd-sized or someone they had called up and sent down numerous times — they headed back to the car, deciding to go on to the Duluth Shop ‘n Zoo, a place, contrary to the name, that doesn’t sell animals. When they got back to the car, they realized they forgot their change purse in the mall. They raced back, but it was too late; it was gone. Frustrated and angry, they asked to use Spencer Gifts’ phone because they didn’t want to incur long distance charges on their own. Fed up and at their breaking point, they called up Byron Buxton, while also spotting a gag gift, fake vomit, that they shoplifted, figuring they can use it to play shortstop. Here’s what Prospect Mike said this offseason, “Buxton is ranked numero uno on my Top 50 fantasy prospects list, and it’s thanks to his ability to fill all five roto categories. He might be the closest thing we have in the minors right now to a first round fantasy talent with the power to hit 20 homers, the speed to swipe 30+ bags, and the ability to hit for a high average. Injuries limited him to 137 plate appearances in 2014, but that shouldn’t stop the 21-year-old from seeing the majors later this season. The ceiling is a perennial All-Star outfielder and a top ten fantasy player overall. In short, he’s wonderful and Grey’s terrible.” Oh, man, c’mon! In Double-A this year, Buxton had six homers, 20 steals (in only 59 games!) and was hitting .283. At points during this season, Mike has compared him to Carlos Gomez. That sounds like an apt comparison, which isn’t the same as roomier with two bathrooms. That’s an Apt. comparison. You should grab him in every league. Yes, even that 10 team league, where it’s you playing against nine of your email aliases. By the way, I can’t believe you’re losing to Imtoosexyforthisemail@aol.com. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

When looking up something with bore in it to link this title to a video, I came across the classic (to me) Clint Eastwood flick Heartbreak Ridge. Oh how I love this movie… so many classic lines that I used as a child and still use to this day. Hell, some are even good for fantasy. Let me see a show of hands, who has seen clusterf**k used on one of these pages? Oh that’s right, we are over the net and I can’t see you. I’ll take my word for it. What gunny Highway taught us besides the CF concept is how to talk to the police, how to greet an old friend, how to be a smart ass, and how to deal with fat guys in prison. Hopefully you never have to deal with the latter. You might be asking yourself, what this has to do with the creeper and the top 100 hitters, and it has everything to do with it. In the movie, he presses his credo on his men to improvise, adapt, overcome. That is what we have to do, because offensively it has been a real clusterf**k this year with so many hitters getting hurt and so many going through streaks like a hairdresser in cosmetology school. Ummm, I might have to explain that last one. When I was in junior college, I was an automotive major and right next to us were all the cosmetology classes. We mingled a lot with the ladies over there, but it was really hard to keep track with who was who, because they would always change their hair color and streaks. Anythehoo, I used to build engines and now I build rosters!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, Chi Chi Gonzalez went 7 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.42. Hey, Major League Baseball retired that number! If this pitching thing ever stops working out for Gonzalez, he can go into Eastern medicine, and open a clinic called Chi Chi’s. Or a tea shop called Chai Chi. Or a tea shop where all the workers are dressed in karate apparel called Chai Tai Chi. Or how about a karate, Eastern medicine clinic that serves tea called Chai Tai Chi Chi’s? Or how about a Mexican restaurant called Chi-Chi’s? Or how about a karate, Eastern medicine clinic that serves tea and Mexican food called Chai Tai Chi Chi Chi-Chi’s? I can keep going. So what’s the deal deal with Chi Chi? He had a 5.4 K/9 in Triple-A with a 4 BB/9. I don’t even know why he was called up let alone has done so well. Sure, he gets ground balls, but how big is Elvis Andrus’s mitt? Seventeen feet wide and twenty feet long? I mean, this is ridiculous. Through three games started in the majors, he has a 3.3 K/9 and 4.2 BB/9. Hahahahaha…Breathe, Grey, breathe! I almost lost it there. Wow, is that silly. So, Chi Chi has been cha-ching, but if I owned him, I’d cash out my Chi Chi chips. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I’ve used a similar open before, so rounding to the point – there’s a ton of players in baseball…  It’s why fantasy baseball rules the land – there’s no end to how deep it goes (that’s what she said!).  You can play 10 team, 12 team RCL, AL and NL only, and I’m hoping to start up a 30 teamer next year.  The possibilities are endless!

And even within the abyss of players that will contribute to an MLB season, I’m only looking at starting pitchers and even then I miss tons of things!  It’s not like I scan every starter’s game log and peripherals every single week, so guys will occasionally fall through the cracks.  One such example is Trevor May, who I thought was still having egregious control problems.  I looked at his ERA and WHIP in passing on the wire, and gave it an ol’ shrug-a-roosky.  But then I started digging into the numbers after his huge 7-inning two-hitter, and realized he was much more than a butterface.  Kinda like realizing you could hop on board of that!  “It’s not the sweater, but what’s underneath that counts!”  I was then on the verge of picking up May after seeing his 50:9 K:BB in 56.1 innings this year, remembering he was a pretty hot prospect despite walking everyone in his limited time last season.  I watched an early 2014 start and it was something like that uber-fail Tyler Matzek debacle (58 pitches, 20 strikes?!).  So I decided that May would be a perfect pitcher to Profile (and Peter Piper picked peppers!) to see just how dominant his start was last Wednesday at the Red Sox.  I know I usually pick a pitcher who started over the weekend, but I’m selfish and I’m using this week’s post for my own add/drop evaluation needs!  Here’s how May looked:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I hope you don’t think I’m doing a BTO theme today with that title. I’m not Homer. When it comes to Canadian rock they are not my cup of tea, I’m a Guess Who fan. You know, the band where the “B” in BTO came from. The band loved in Almost Famous by Lester Bangs (played by Phillip Seymour Hoffman). Seriously, Live at the Paramount is one of my favorite live albums. From Pain Train to Sour Suite, the album hits it on lots of levels for me. Speaking of sour/sweet, I made a trade for Howie Kendrick this week by giving up Jason Grilli. Sweet! Now Howie’s got uncertain knee issue… Sour! Which leads me to my creeper pick, Justin Turner, and the opportunities that Mattingly can’t ignore. His usage patterns leave me very sour while the production of these “part-time players” is sweet! He said he doesn’t want to run Turner into the ground, unlike his bullpen, which Donny feels a need to regularly run into the ground. Yimi was such a beautiful creature of K/9. So please, take his usage with a bit of caution this week as I tell you to own him and get him in your line-up. But be careful of the sour/sweet.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Thank you, Jesus Guzman! Or Jesus Alou or Jesus Colome or David DeJesus or whatever baseball Jesus you pray to! Anthony Rendon was activated! “Hello, God, it’s me Grey. I have no more requests…Well, maybe one more. Could you allow Rendon to hit? Okay, you being such a literal God will prolly take that to mean, he’ll get at-bats and ground out. I mean, can you allow him to hit for a high average, some power, some speed and just be better than Logan Forsythe? I’ll take my answer off the air.” Honestly, I have no idea what to expect from Rendon. Some players — Josh Hamilton comes to mind — get countless injury updates from the media no matter how small the news. I feel like with Rendon it’s been radio silence since he was DL’d. Every few weeks there would be a ‘playing in rehab games’ update, but very little else. So, the realistic side of me wants to think he’s going to struggle like it’s spring training for him. The fanboy side of me thinks he’s gonna hit a zillion homers and steal a trillion bases and make everything right. Likely, he’ll be about as good as Yunel, but, due to his name recognition, will soothe my middle infidel nerves for a few weeks. Yesterday, he went 2-for-4 and, well, he’s back, and that’s all that matters. Thank you, Jesus Montero! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Who is Chi Chi Gonzalez?

He’s a pitcher I only really knew because of his incredible name (and seeing it a few times on prospect lists)… I knew almost nothing about this guy.  So instead of doing any research or pounding the Fangraphs, I decided to go into this week’s Pitcher Profile blinded.  I’m going into it like walking into a crowded room, desperately yelling “Chi Chi?!  Chi Chi!??!?!”

And honestly, I wouldn’t have broken down his debut against the Red Sox on Saturday had it not been a no-hit bid into the 6th.  Debut bias alert!  “JB, you got suckered in…”  Darn tootin’!  But I was unable to watch the start live, so even though I figured there was some smoke and mirrors going on, you never really know until you sit down and watch a guy to see how he looked.  So alas, here’s how I saw Chi Chi’s Major League debut:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

All right, you ragtag bunch of misfits! You hate me, and I hate you even more. But without my beloved ringers, you’re all I’ve got. So I want you to remember some inspiring words that someone else might have told you over the course of your lives, and go out there and win!

Has a greater speech ever been uttered to fire up a bunch of ball players? It’s pure honesty at it’s finest. Group hate as a tool of motivation, then followed with some Zen-ish words or whatever kind of “Phil Jackson blah-blah-blah to get your head right” words. Hey, look, a basketball reference Gilpin! If we can remove ourself from the moment and transport ourselves to that happy place, then we can trick ourselves. Thank you Montgomery Burns for this gem and this great song. If this doesn’t work for you, then just think of boobs and how many you get to see if you’re successful. That’s in life, not fantasy baseball. In fantasy baseball, you get the adoration of random men over the internet. Wait, what? Ummmm… I officially just made this weird. Hey, look, there’s a creeper below me and a top-100 for you to chew on below that. *Runs away from computer.*

Please, blog, may I have some more?