Fantasy Baseball Advice

Some of you who find this post through Google may be disappointed to know the title does not refer to gay porn or grabbing bats in the non-gay way, but in the vampire way. Sorry, you shouldn’t be trying to grab bats anyway — in the the vampire way. As for the other way, I’ll relay a quick story. I was in the bathroom at the Hard Rock Casino in Vegas and guess who’s peeing next to me, Randy Johnson. I was so pumped (bad choice of words, but this whole story is ill-advised) I immediately blurted out, “Hey, it’s The Big Unit!” And that’s that story. Okay, so circumstances out of my control made it impossible for me to do a Buy/Sell last week. Well, excuuuuuse me. So this week we’re doing a Buy/Sell for fantasy baseball hitters today, then fantasy baseball pitchers tomorrow. This is when you get excited. I can’t hear you. Okay, better. In just about every league, it’s close to your trading deadline, if not past it. So I’m digging in my heels to try and uncover some gems. Anyway, here’s some fantasy baseball hitters to Buy and Sell:

BUY

Dioner Navarro – Hit two home runs this week. He hit 6 of 8 HRs last year in August and September. If you’ve held him this long, now is not the time to drop him.

Emilio Bonifacio – Last name pronounced: cheep stëlz.

Brandon Moss – A rolling stone gathers no moss… Ordinarily. But what if that rolling stone played fantasy baseball? Don’t think about that too long, it’ll cross your streams. Like Randy and I.

Wladimir Balentien/ Jeff Clement – Neither is worth the virtual paper I’m writing this on, but Vidro’s dumping opens up a DH slot. If you’re in a deep league, react accordingly.

Fernando Tatis – Not sure how many remember this, but Tatis was bonafide back in ‘99, slugging 34 HRs. He dropped a bit in ‘00 but it was due to injuries, then this kid by the name of Pujols stepped in and suddenly I sound like Vin Scully. Tatis has value if he’s healthy and hitting. Right now, both are true.

Bobby Crosby – I hate him more than you. I do. Try me. Fine, if you have to have your way, you hate him more.  He’s still been hot recently. Just know, caveat craptor.

Chipper Jones – I know, he should be a sell, but hear me out. This DL trip threw a monkey wrench into his owners’ plans and they learned to live without him. It also served as a reminder that Chipper can’t be trusted. So his owners have filled in for him and they’re mighty annoyed with him, so they’re zigging. Now what do you do? Zog? That’s not even a word! You zag! Holy heffin’ hey, pay attention!

Victor Martinez – Also, he could easily be on the Sell list, but I’m digging for diamonds in the rough here. He could go .350 with 5 HRs in the final 6 weeks. It’s not quite butter, but it’s not I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter either.

Casey Blake – Casey’s a girl’s name or an Affleck name, but don’t let that stop you. Blake used to be a favorite of mine in ten team mixed leagues. Ask Rudy. If I didn’t have Blalock or Kotchman, I had Blake.I don’t currently have him in any league, but that’s not to say I wouldn’t.

Alex Gordon – What are you listening to right now? “Stop Already With Alex Gordon” by The You? Ah, good song. But Gordon’s been hot recently and he hit well late last year. What, you can’t hear me because you’re still listening to “Stop Already With Alex Gordon” by The You? All right, I get it.

SELL

David Ortiz – As the Spanish might say, I got Papi issues. On July 18th, I told you to trade away David Ortiz. One thing has changed since then, his wrist now sounds like a Wu-Tang song.

Josh Willingham - Thought he was rounding the corner into Productive Outfieldville. Maybe he lost his Mapquest printout.

Jeff Keppinger – Not sure what happened to Keppinger after the injury, but he’s not even playing up to his nickname, Blanco Polanco.

Albert Pujols – Chillax, I’m not saying to sell him for three stale, powdered donuts and a Hogan’s Family Season 1 DVD. But let’s be clear, he’s hitting about 35 HRs this year. He’s at 23. He’s not going to get much above 100 RBIs or runs. He’s near 70 for both. The last time he hit more than 10 HRs in a month after the All-Star Break was in 2004, with 12 in August. And he’s an injury risk. Is he the best pure batsman in the major leagues? Perhaps, but he’s not currently near the best fantasy baseball player. I sold Pujols for Sizemore in one league. Since the trade, Sizemore 24/10/24/.289/10 — Pujols 27/7/31/.360/4.  And this is after Pujols hit two HRs in the last two games. Cust kayin’.

Randy Winn – Currently hot. So why sell? Next to the definition of schmohawk is Winn rubbing lotion on his ashy knees. He’s got one HR since June. He’s owned in 85% of ESPN leagues. Though I’m assuming 98% of their leagues are abandoned within the first week of the season. So there’s that.

Milton Bradley – You guys had a good run together. Much more valuable than either of you deserved. So what now? Dump and run? He’s only had more than 377 at-bats once in his career. He’s at 306. You got so much value from him, why are you moaning and shizz? What, you want more? Pick up someone else. You want Bradley? Eh, you’re impossible.

In his first major league start, Max Scherzer didn’t look like Jobacum, Linecum and Joba’s love child, just a nervous rookie pitcher. You see a lot of unearned runs and you think to yourself, “Leave it to the Baby-Backs to fark up my man Jobacum.” Yeah, that was a gift by the official scorer. That call could’ve went either way and I think it probably should’ve been a hit. So the ERA should’ve been higher. Balls were hit hard. To paraphrase Randy Jackson, “He didn’t look so pitchy, dawg.” With just 119 1/3 innings last season and Doug Davis set to press him for his rotation spot when he returns, Scherzer probably won’t stick in the rotation. Doug Davis is far from a sure thing, but Scherzer’s innings are really the concern. I could see Scherzer put into a long relief role within a month to make sure Jobacum doesn’t blow his load. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Johnny Cueto – C’mon, he looks ridunkous. Are you kidding me? 41/8 K/BB. That’s nasty. Seriously, that alone is really all you need to know. I’ve watched him pitch every game and that number is not misrepresenting anything. When I was watching him today I realized something, the batter knows what’s coming and still can’t hit it! (Sorry for the exclamation point, but I felt it was necessary.) This is tremendous. The only thing stopping him is a manager that won’t want to drive up his innings…. Oh, wait, Dusty’s managing him. Okay, so don’t draft him in 2010 when he has 700 innings on his arm.

Geovany Soto – Got a hold of one off of Soto. I still say to trade him if you can get the right deal.

Brad Hawpe – Two home runs now in three days. Still wouldn’t start him against lefties. That’s why you carry Spilborghs, whose porn mustache should have its own harem, on your deep league roster.

Eric Byrnes – You’re wondering why he’s slumping so bad, then you realize last year was the outlier (Word of the Day). He has a .267 career average. He is what he is, but he’s not what he was last year.

Chad Billingsley – I keep pimping him and I keep getting questions, “Should I trade Arod, Magglio and my son’s college tuition money for Cliff Lee?” Cliff Lee’s masquerading, Billingsley is not.

Andruw Jones – He’s batting seventh and platooning within The Pierre Situation™. He’s really not on anyone’s team anymore, is he? I mean, he’s no longer even running balls out. I predicted he’d be retired by the age of 35. I might knock that down to 33. He’s gone from Hall of Fame talk to I Wish Pierre Was Starting Instead of Him talk in a little over two years. Torre needs to go Full Metal Jacket, “I’m going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the team! I will motivate you, Andruw Jones!”

David Ortiz – So I, like, traded Ortiz for Cliff Lee and I’m, like, wondering if I did good. People need to chillax with burying Ortiz. Sure, he’s probably a few years older than Miguel Tejada who’s probably a few years older than he’s now owning up to, but Ortiz will be fine.

Joey Devine - Waking Joey Devine has three wins on the year and he’s the setup man in case Huston Street keeps blowing saves.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – The walks will come back to hurt him at some point. Probably will have an ERA of 4 by the All-Star break.

Wladimir Balentien – Wlady B. hit his second home run.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – God, his last name is a real pain to spell. He DH’d today. If he’s getting in there when he’s not catching, there’s no reason why he shouldn’t be owned in shallow mixed leagues.

Ervin Santana – Probably could have pitched into the tenth inning if he was needed. 38/9 K/BB and he just keeps looking better.

Brandon Wood – First home run of the season. Loved to see him get some time, but right now there’s no guarantee of that.

Shane Victorino – Member last week when he was sitting in favor of Werth? He didn’t sit today. Or yesterday. Or the day before. Or the… Well, you get the picture.

Matt Kemp – Third home run. He doesn’t get to twenty.

Matt Joyce – Was called up as the Tigers designated Jacques Jones for assignment. Joyce has some pop against righties, and can strikeout with the best of them. Of course, he’s not in Yahoo anyway. I’m going to write an E-Book, “Fantasy Baseball Sites Need Ten Things.” Players available on waivers is numero freakin’ uno. I don’t even want to pick up Joyce, but this is really annoying.