Fantasy Baseball Advice

Jason Heyward sat again yesterday in favor of Jose Constanza.  I don’t want to shout fire in the theater of Razzball, but this isn’t good.  Constanza is making Heyward look like the best seller at the jerk store.  Actually, Heyward was kinda doing it to himself.  This year he has 12 homers and a .222 average.  Laynce Nix called and said he’s doing better.  I think Heyward’s still dealing with shoulder issues and “You got on the wrong side of Glass Chipper” issues.  Heyward can still be a star as soon as next year, but, for this year in redraft leagues, you need to start thinking like Big Boi and back up the back up plans.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Huston Street – Street’s closed, Rockies used alternative route to save the game with Rafael Betancourt.  Street’s soreness isn’t said to be serious enough for a DL stint, but Street’s been known to laugh in the face of ‘not serious enough for a DL stint.’  Since Lindstrom is out too, I’d grab Betancourt for potential vulturing.  If you need a dinette set, go with Rex Brothers.

Angel Pagan – Now has back-to-back games with a homer as he hits leadoff in Reyes’s stead.  Dan Brown’s newest book, Angel & Pagans, tracking Mr. Met to the Vatican may start to gain some believers.

Kyle Blanks – 2-for-4 yesterday and has two hits in each of the last five games, including two homers.  That all coincides with the Padres being on the road.  Hey, Ray Kroc Jr. Jr., when a 375 lbs. power hitter is intimidated by your home park, it’s time to move in the fences.

Jesus Guzman – 2-for-4 as Jesus continues to do everything but walk on water.  Though it’s only Wednesday.

Orlando Hudson – Left the game with a strained left groin.  Hehe, he has two groins.

J.D. Martinez – Hit his 4th homer in his last six games.  Legally I’m required to tell you I don’t think he’ll keep it up, but now it’s time to give J.D. his trial run.

Adam Dunn – Says he will alter his offseason training for next year.  This obviously means he’ll limit his axe swinging, so rejoice tree huggers!

Justin Morneau – Should return next Monday, which will forever be known as Mornday.

Carlos Beltran – Out a few days with a sprained wrist.  If he had a strained groin with his sprained wrist, I wouldn’t shake his hand.

Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, moving his record to 7-11.  Oh, thank heaven!

Dee Gordon – Left yesterday’s game with a sore right shoulder.  Here’s hoping his middle initial isn’t L.

Justin Smoak – Out with a jammed thumb.  He’s hitting .179 since the All-Star break.  Smoak’s cooking with liquid nitrogen!

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks as he faced Alexi Ogando (2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners) which was billed by ESPN as The Battle of the Tiring Young Pitcher.  Mark Prior threw out the first pitch.  Well, he rolled the ball to the plate and then shrugged.

Endy Chavez – Hit his 5th homer yesterday or the same amount as Aaron Hill, who has turned my middle infield spot into a Dead Endy.

James Shields – 9 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Since his Oakland A’s start of 4 IP, 10 ER, he seems to have eaten a few power-up pellets and regained his Shields power.

Desmond Jennings – 1-for-3 with his 8th steal.  That’s in 17 games.  Conservatively, I’ll say he’s stealing two hundred next year.

Tsuyoshi Nishioka - 1-for-3, hitting .216.  He looks like Kaz Matsui 2.0.

Francisco Liriano – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners (7 BBs), 4 Ks.  For those who can’t pick up on the context clues, 7 walks in 6 innings is not good.  Some would say it’s bad.  Johnny Cochran would’ve said it’s egregious.

Hanley Ramirez- Has been out since August 2nd as he nurses his shoulder.  He has a nipple on his shoulder?! Five dollars of imaginary money says Hanley will be DL’d in the next day or so.  As Jack McKeon said, “He wants to play, but if it bothers him and he can’t reach for the ball, what good is it?  Can I leave now?  You’re making me miss the early bird.”

John Buck – Has two straight games with a homer.  Or to misquote M.I.A., Bucky Gone Gone.

Brandon Beachy – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Constantly amazed at how many people started asking if they should drop Beachy after his bad game in Coors and haven’t stopped asking.  He’s been that bad?  Not rhetorical!

Dan Uggla – His hitting streak is up to 30 games.  In other news, water is dry.

Zack Cozart – Sounds like he’s headed for season-ending surgery.  Dr. James Andrews, “Not ’til I say so.  Muahahahahaha…”

Dontrelle Willis – 8 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Well, hello there!  Wow.  Where you been hidin’, Willis?  I wouldn’t add him in all leagues, but in some deeper ones or where you need to gamble, I’d look at him.

Esmil Rogers – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks and his third decent start in a row. Rogers works with a mid-90′s fastball, slider, changeup– Wait, who am, Stephen?  Rogers should have a mid to high 7 K-rate and be in the rotation for the rest of the season as long as he doesn’t Mr. Bungle things.  Esmil, “Holy chicken mole, this is enormous pressure!”  In deep mixed leagues and NL-Only leagues, I’d grab Rogers to see if you can ride the lightning in a bottle or whatever that cliche is.

Josh Willingham – Hit his 2nd homer in as many games.  Willingham, that’s just not kosher.  Hasn’t cooled off since I labeled him a Buy on Friday.

Rich Harden – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Has more Ks than innings and finally looked impressive, like the old Harden.  Well, actually, the old Harden would’ve thrown out his back after a teammate high-fived him.

Bobby Abreu – 2-for-5 with two homers.  Abreu has been a good August hitter in the past, but his past goes back.  For instance, you might hear him say things like, “I remember when baseball’s weren’t hit with bats but with steroids.”

Eduardo Nunez – 2-for-3 with his 17th and 18th steals to go along with his 4 homers.  A-Rod has 13 homers and 4 steals.  So Nunez is definitely no flop, but A-Rod’s hole cards of 52 RBIs and 53 runs are obviously better.

Chien-Ming Wang – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (1 Hit), 1 K.  He’s trying to get you to fall for the old-banana-in-the-tailpipe.  Don’t do it.

Corey Hart – Returned to the lineup (hand) and picked up right where he left off (homer) and hopes to continue (wearing sunglasses at night).

Kyle Gibson – Partial tear of his right elbow.  All those years his dad made him emulate his World Series trot couldn’t have helped.

They tore down the Lebron ‘Witness’ billboards in Cleveland.  If only they waited a year, they could’ve changed them to Kipnis.  And pasted it in Kipnis’s face.  And, um, covered up Lebron’s body, replaced the basketball with a baseball….okay, scratch all that.  Who’s to even say this Kipnis kid is great enough for a billboard and a one-way ticket to Miami in 2019?  Let’s see what we know about Jason Kipnis.  In Triple-A this year, he had 12 homers, 12 steals in 89 games, a near .900 OPS and his last name sounds like something you’d find at the Passover Seder.  Almost every fantasy baseballer (<–my Mom’s term!) loved Chisenhall more than Kipnis.  I did too.  So far in the majors, the Chisen in the Hall has 2 homers, hitting .235.  That’s big to the whoop.  I only point this out because Kipnis is no sure thing.  He’s young, i.e. raw, i.e. except after C.  The one advantage he has to Chisenhall is he has more speed.  Bats can get lost in the travel from Triple-A, but you ain’t losing your speed, assuming we’re not talking about mules.  Because Kipnis has good position eligibility, he’s worth a flyer across most mixed leagues that use a middle infidel for the upside.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Orlando Hudson – Ran into a fence and needed to be helped off the field.  Orlando Hudson was like vintage Michael Jackson.  Off the Wall!

Cameron Maybin – 4-for-4, 2 steals and batting third for the Friars.  Now has 7 steals in the last 6 games.  It’s like he’s driving a DeLorean with Ron LeFlore in the go-go 80′s when everyone was on coke.  None of this Red Bull crap!  At this point, you have to own Maybin across all leagues until he cools off.  Also, I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell but he’s here now.  No more Maybin for you!

Will Venable – 2-for-5 with his 18th steal.  Now has a homer and 3 steals in the last three games.  As a commenter was kind enough to point out the other day, Venable is a beast in road games.

Kyle Blanks – Anthony Rizzo was sent back down and the pushing-three-hundred-pounds Blanks was recalled.  Now all three Padre fans can go to the park and be like, “Why is there a Nate Colbert statue on first base?  Oh, that’s Kyle Blanks!”  Randy Jones BBQ stand in right field better up their meat order.  That’s not a solar eclipse, that’s Kyle Blanks letting out his afro.  Hey, Orlando, Kyle Blanks doesn’t run into walls.  He runs through them.  Blanks, “Who likes Kool-Aid?”  Okay, I’m a big fan of Blanks.  If you need power, he’s about as good as they come.  He was averaging around one home run every fifth game in the minor leagues this year and can do close to the same in the majors, even in Petco.  His average may not sniff .250, so it’s an all or nothing proposition.  Kinda like the difference between being in front or behind him at a buffet.

Javier Vazquez – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER vs. the 1927 Padres.  Vazquez takes your trust and defecates on it.

Emilio Bonifacio – Has now hit in 20 straight games and has 19 steals.  That’s nothing.  His brother Charlie just snorted 5 lines and had sex with 2 hookers.

Carlos Gonzalez – Left the game with pain in his wrist.  His fantasy owners should be pist.  That’s injury problems for an Orlando and two CarGo’s in two days.  I would not feel good about my luggage if I was on a Disney Cruise right now.  Sounds like Carlos Gonzalez is headed to the DL.

Dexter Fowler – 1-for-4 with his 5th steal.  Job just became more secure with the recurrence of CarGo’s wrist issue.  Hopefully Dexter proves to be more than a serial average killer.

Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 6 ER for the conshellation prize, which was more than Jhoulys Chacin could say with his 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners (7 walks) and 4 Ks.  Now the 2nd straight poor start for both starters.  Hanson gets the somehow-in-first-even-though-they-don’t-have-a-1st-baseman Pirates next and Chacin gets the Dodgers in Maybe We Should Sell The Naming Rights To Dodgers Stadium, How Does Dreamworks Stadium Sound?  Two decent matchups, though Chacin faces Kershaw.

Ichiro Suzuki – 3-for-4 to up his average to .265.  Is .265 the new .320?  Adam Dunn and Dan Uggla raise their hand.  Anyone else?  I think there should be a new rule that anyone who doesn’t hit over .310, 50 HRs or steal 60 bases can’t have their first name on the back of their jersey.  I suppose, to Ich his own.

Franklin Gutierrez – The Big FraGu stole two bases yesterday, but his average is .183.   After having stomach issues earlier in the year, he hasn’t been a regular on the field or on the pot.

Miguel Olivo – 1-for-4 with his 13th homer.  I don’t want to belabor this for fear of an aneurysm, but Olivo never hits one home run and disappears.  He hits four home runs in twelve games then disappears.  I provide the information, what you do with it is your choice.

Jake Westbrook – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Westbrook had everything going against him.  He was an unemployed single parent that could barely take care of his kids.  Then he got a job at a law office and single-handedly brought down a California power company.  Wait, those aren’t my notes, that’s the back cover of the Erin Brockovich DVD.  Westbrook isn’t someone I’d pick up with your team.

Ricky Romero – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks.  RR Cool Jay (see resemblance to the rapper (or is it just actor nowadays?)) has been hit hard in his last few starts (13 ER in 16 2/3 IP), but with the Ks he keeps doing it and doing it and doing it well.

C.J. Wilson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Has that weird Dempster thing going for him.  Mediocre reliever reinvents himself as a great starter.  Somebody make Kevin Gregg a starter!

Jered Weaver – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Season ERA is now 1.81.  According to Elias, only five pitchers in modern baseball have had a sub-2 ERA after 20 starts.  Elias also said, “Our batting average with women who like baseball and math is under the Mendoza line.”

Grady Sizemore – To the DL with a bad knee and a sports hernia.  That’s what happens when you try to do a hilarious ‘knee to the balls’ blooper all by yourself.

SAT Question:  Albert Pujols is to a fractured forearm as Justin Morneau is to playing every day in 2011 and you can’t take him out of your lineup.  Only thing worse for Cardinal fans is if Don Denkinger announced Pujols’s fractured forearm while wearing a Wilson Betemit jersey.  We never get Pujols in any leagues.  I mean, never.  This year, we thought we’d go against common practice and pay for him in one league.  It’ll take away some money we have for the rest of our team, but at least we’ll have Pujols.  *standing in the pouring rain, shaking fist at the sky*  Come get some, Fantasy Overlord!  So, unfortunately, the slap on Albert’s forearm was harder than the law gave to Tony La Russa when he DUI’d and Pujols will be out for at least 6 weeks. (They’re saying 4-6 weeks, but that’s optimistic.)  Looks like Jon Jay, the Federalist, will get more time.  Well, why didn’t you say that?!  That makes everything better!  *sticks head in oven*  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

David Freese – Returns next week.  If he’s on waivers, now would be as good a time as any to pick him up.  Or now.  Or now.  Or…Well, you get the picture.

Adrian Gonzalez – Francona said A-Gone might play some outfield during interleague play.  A-Gon’s got the outfield range of a Johnny Damon throw.  The Red Sox are going to mitigate his poor range by giving him a really big glove.

Andrew Miller – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners (3 walks), 6 Ks.  I should do lines in Vegas– Whoa, Charlie Sheen!  This is a family show! Random Italicized Voice, I mean I should make betting lines for oddsmakers.  I totally would’ve called this Miller line.  He’s such a 5 to 6 inning pitcher with 3 to 4 earned runs and a lousy WHIP.  (BTW, Sawx vs. Padres in Fenway?  This is like S.D. Jones vs. Andre the Giant.)

Tim Hudson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I was gonna write a post about interleague in regards to this, but I didn’t get a chance so here’s the short version.  When a team doesn’t see a pitcher often, the pitcher has the advantage.  An AL team loses a DH, advantage for the NL pitcher (and not just because Hudson pitchslapped Romero).  They still have the play the games, and, as Morton showed last night, a terrible performance is terrible no matter the circumstances.  Continued in the next blurb…

J.A. Happ – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER in Arlington.  Then you have an interleague matchup of a mediocre pitcher vs. a tough lineup in a hitters’ park and Happ happens.

Jose Bautista – 0-for-4, I know Bautista’s going to hit three bombs tonight because I’m about to write this, but in June — 1 homer and a .259 average.  Last year, only 4 homers in June and a .179 average.  Bautista did go back to the Smackdown in July.

Travis Wood – 7 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After the first inning where he gave up 4 runs, he settled down and stopped letting Volquez call his pitches.

Ivan Nova – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He seems to have a great start then a terrible one.  Maybe Nova is a star that suddenly becomes much brighter than normal and then gradually returns to its original brightness.

Mariano Rivera – 1 IP, 0 ER.  Nothing to say here, but I was at my chiropractor yesterday — I’m so LA! (and I sit in front of my computer too much) — but I read a great article about cutters in Sports Illustrated from one or two weeks ago.  I’d seek it out.  Was about how so many pitchers are adopting the cutter.  Hey, look, it’s like we’re in a book club!

Charlie Morton – 2 IP, 6 ER.  He was walking between the raindrops for too long without getting wet.  It was a nice ride, but now I’d bench or lose him in most leagues.

Jake Arrieta – 5 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks and a 4.50 ERA on the year.  Yet, he has 9 wins.  In other news, wins are stupid.

Juan Nicasio – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  The roofie as defined by the Razzball Glossary:  A rookie pitcher who fails to deliver on their tremendous K potential and, instead, abuses your trust and violates your ERA and WHIP.  Used in a sentence, “Doctor, last night Nicasio roofied me and now I’m peeing blood out of my rear.”

Carlos Santana – 3-for-4 with his 10th home run and third steal.  It’s a slam and legs, and it’s easy to digest.  The average is blehtastic at .237, but his OBP is fine and his BABIP shows he’s been a bit unlucky.  He’s still just a catcher, but his end of the year numbers are gonna look decent.

Jason Giambi – 1-for-4 with his 7th home run.  Giambi’s a decent interleague flyer if you’re in dire need for power in a deep league.  Short term play though.  BTW, I just totally spazzed myself out thinking about how Giambi’s having a better year than Morneau.  I will now walk into traffic wearing a burlap sack.

Orlando Hudson – 3-for-4 with his first homer.  I didn’t see it, but I’m guessing Pesky-fueled.  O, you, dog.

Chase Headley – 4-for-5, and hitting near .500 in the last week.  Wanna know why?  Because he wants to hug you.  No.  That’s not why.  Cause he’s away from Petco.  This year — .336 in away games.  .235 at home.  In 2010, same shizz, different year.

Starlin Castro – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd home run and 9th steal.  I’m a bit embarrassed to say this because I have Castro on a bunch of teams, but I thought he had more homers.  2 homers?  Really?   Really, Seth Myers?

Clayton Kershaw – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks.  I have a bit of a schoolgirl crush on him.  That is all.  (Unless he wants more.  I’m totally open for that.)

James Loney – 3-for-4 and 6 for his last 11.  Hitting over .290 for two straight months and– I’m sorry, I can’t get excited about him.

Ryan Braun – Missed yesterday’s game with a viral infection.  Oy, someone make the Hebrew Hammer some matzoh ball soup.

Jeff Niemann – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I’m going to sound like an obstinate broken record here.  But I don’t buy into Neimann at all.  At all.  At–

Evan Longoria – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs with his 6th home run and is hitting .237.  So Pujols, Hanley, Wright, Longoria and Crawford are lured into The Octagon, who wants in first?

Leo Nunez – So spooked by strange noises in his hotel in Florida that he spent the weekend at his friend’s home.  Some meddling kids figured out it was Robb Nen draped in a bed sheet.

Hanley Ramirez – New (<–ironic! (if I am using the word ironic correctly) manager, Jack McKeon, benched Hanley in his first game.  The 80-year-old manager said, “In my day, bats were made out of particle board.  They weighed 5 times a player’s body weight and you had to put them together with wood screws.”  He continued, “Look, there’s no miracle elixir that can get us back into first…but McKendrick’s Revitalization Potion #7 never hurts!”

Jonathan Broxton is out with elbow pain.  Andre Ethier is out with an inflammed elbow.  Since Casey Blake has a staph infection in his elbow, him, Broxton and Ethier must’ve rubbed elbows.  It’s an idiomatic joke!  Dodgers Fever.  Take some penicillin!  If this elbow thing was being passed around the Dodger clubhouse any quicker….Alyssa Milano would get royalties!  Ah, you knew that was coming.  That’s what Alyssa said!  With regards to junk-in-his-trunk Broxton, I’d grab Padilla then Kuo.  I think both should be rostered in every league for right now.  Wouldn’t be surprised if this week it’s Padilla then Kuo takes over for two months.  In deep leagues, I’d even grab Kenley.  He should be back shortly.  As for Andre the non-Giant, he should be fine, but he’s been known to take a 15-day stint at a Beverly spa now and again.  BTW, yesterday, Jay Gibbons hit 3rd.  He can’t even see!  The Dodgers first three hitters were Gwynn Jr., Aaron Miles and Gibbons.  I’d rather have Cincy’s Triple-AAA lineup with Sappelt, Frazier, Alonso and Mesoraco.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ted Lilly – 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now at a 4.93 ERA on the year.  Just as I drew it up when I drafted him to be my not-so-flashy-but-solid contributor to my fantasy teams.  Maybe I spent too much time breathing in the air in Port-a-Johns when I was younger, but I think Lilly’s still gonna end the season with a 3.70 ERA.

Ben Revere – Ben Revere is coming, Ben Revere is coming!  Ben Revere sounds like Affleck’s alias when he checks into hotels.  “When Matt Saugus shows up, send him up to my room.”  That’s Affleck talking to the front desk manager.  Revere is SAGNOF!  He had 7 steals in only 23 games this year in Triple-A and 36 steals last year in 94 games at Double-A, or as Lohan calls it AA.  The prizzoblem is Delmon’s due back soon and Revere might not have a place to play, so the Twins could make like Kendrys, add an S and put Revere into reverse.  In AL-Only leagues, obviously you still need to take the flyer right now.  If Revere starts hitting, the Twins could sneak him into their lineup even with Young and Nishioka returning.  Casilla is obviously ripe for a benching.  Ca see ya!  In most mixed leagues, I’d let it play out for a few to see Revere’s playing time.

Alex Rios – 3-for-4 with his 2nd homer in three days.  The buy low window is shut.

Orlando Hudson – To the DL.  Shocker!  It’s like having money on the 6 and 8 with a hot roller.  It’s gonna hit eventually.

Eric Patterson – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer.  Should get 2nd base eligibility with O-Dog O-ut.  Right now, we own Patterson in an NL-Only league.  The power isn’t for real, but for a short shot of SAGNOF, I could see adding him in mixed leagues.

Brad Hawpe – 2-for-3 with his first home run.  Now one off the pace being set by Eric Patterson.  Because I don’t own Hawpe anywhere, I honestly didn’t know how bad he’s been.  A .183 average and one homer.  What hitters would sign with the Padres?  They really need to move the fences in front of the Randy Jones and Nate Colbert statues.

Aneury Rodriguez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He’s got a live arm.  I like him and I’m not just saying that cause I actually own him.  Well, maybe a little.  Has a decent K-rate and a terrible walk rate on a terrible team which limits him to NL-Only leagues for now.  Maybe a streamer in mixed H2H leagues, but you need to be slightly desperate.

Brandon Lyon – 0 IP, 3 ER.  When he comes in for a save and you own him, it’s likely the worst news you hear all day.  If I felt differently, I’d be Lyon.

Mark Melancon – Worth a speculative add in case the naked pictures Lyon has of Ed Wade’s Toupee are burned and he’s finally replaced.

Travis Wood – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I really hope he’s not bumped from the rotation because he should be even better than he was yesterday, which wasn’t bad.

Carlos Pena – 2 homers, 2 days.  Member when Lind started hitting homers last week and I said how I hate to drop guys like him and Pena because when they get hot, they hit 5 homers in the matter of days and it was like they were never slumping?  Yeah, Pena’s now hot.

Marlon Byrd – Out of the three hole, he hit a three run homer while batting .290 on the year.  Yet, he still only has 8 RBIs on the year.  That’s enough to make Tim Kurkjian’s voice crack.

Allen Craig – When Freese went down, La Russa said the 3rd base job would be shared by Descalso and Punto, so, of course, La Russa has done nothing but play Allen Craig.  *shakes fist, accidentally bangs funny bone, shakes entire arm*  Craig has a decent bat if he plays every day.  He could hit 12-14 homers, steal 10 bases and have a .280ish average in a few months time.  It’s also worth noting La Russa could bench him for Punto at any point for no apparent reason.

Pedro Alvarez – I don’t want to think he didn’t play yesterday, instead I like to think he walked 4 times.  Cause that’s our relationship, he sucks and I lie to myself about it.  Alvarez, I’d catch a grenade for you.  You bastard!

Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I loved Hommy Tanson in the preseason, not sure why I don’t have him on any team.  “Such has been my fantasy life so far,”  Grey said as he wiped away a single tear a’la a Native American watching someone litter.

Tim Hudson – 9 IP, 2 baserunners (1 hit), 6 Ks.  The Brewers are a solid lineup to be one hit.  Maybe they caught Braddock’s sleep disorder.

Clayton Richard – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks and 6 unearned runs.  That ticker shock was actually a relief.  Hay-zeus Chreesto, I thought he really gave up 7 runs.

Max Scherzer – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Schweet, schweet Scherzer.

Al Alburquerque – 1 IP, 2 Ks.  You know where Al Alburquerque is from?  Santa K.

Adam Lind – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer.  To think you wanted to drop him less than two weeks ago, for shame.

Brandon Morrow – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He’s a bit of a WHIPping post nightmare, but his Ks are delicious.

Frank Francisco – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  A day after Rauch got a neck tattoo that read, “BS,” Frank² came on and did a pretty mediocre job of proving his worth.  I imagine it’s still a time share.

David Freese – After his successful surgery, Freese said, “”They put the bones back together, put a plate over it, and then put five little screws in there.”   Sounds like he had the surgery done at Ikea.

Tim Lincecum – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks in Metco.  Mets should’ve dressed Mr. Met up in a toga so he’d look like a giant doobie.

John Axford – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Kazaam!

Zack Greinke – 4 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s not returning from an arm injury, so I’m chalking this up as rust.

Vance Worley – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  It’s one thing when you’re looking bad compared to Halladay, Oswalt and Hamels, but can’t Joe Blanton catch a break to collect his self-esteem?

Joel Zumaya – Will undergo exploratory elbow surgery.  Which means they will shrink Rick Moranis and send him in to check it out.

The Twins’ Francisco Liriano may actually have a Twin.   Let’s call him Diego Liriano (runner-up choices were Jose, Antonio, Luis Obispo, and Fernando Valley).  Maybe Diego pitched his first 5 starts – the ones where Liriano got shelled to the tune of 24 ER, 18 BB, and 27 Hits within 23 2/3 innings.  How else do you explain a Twin with Liriano written on his back throwing a no-hitter last night?  Okay, I suppose you can look at the stats and see that Liriano threw 6 walks and only 2 strikeouts during his no-hitter.  You know how rare that is?  Really, we need to know because Elias Sports Bureau charges for that kind of thing.  I’d steer cleareano of Liriano and/or sell him if he was on my team – no reason to keep a guy with a WIP of 0.67 (WHIP minus the H) if he isn’t K-ing a ton of people.

On to the rest of fantasy baseball news…

Erik Bedard - Managed 7 innings of 2 ER on only 2 H and 2 BB.  More impressively, he managed to avoid an arm injury.  He’s bringing hope to the Rich Hardens and Ben Sheetseses of the world.

Jon Lester – Lestah got his 4th win by giving up only 1 ER and 11 Ks versus the visiting Angels.  Looks like someone isn’t liking all that “Weaver for Cy Young” talk.

Cole Hamels – It was a good night for lefties as Hamels threw a complete game victory against the Nats – giving up only one ER with 6 Ks and 6 baserunners.  That’s now 4 wins for Hamels with 40 Ks in 40 IP, a 2.66 ERA, and a 1.01 WHIP.  Not bad for a 4th starter.

Mike Leake – Wrong night to be a righty (3 2/3 IP, 7 ER).  We streamed Leake in one of our leagues and Leake streamed all over our ERA and WHIP.  The game might’ve been in Cincy but this sure smelled like a Cleveland Streamer.

Zach Braddock – DL with a sleep disorder.  He had 3 Ks on Sunday but obviously fell short of that on Z’s.  They knew it was bad when he fell asleep in the bratwurst tray during the post-game meal.  Luckily, he was pulled out before Prince went-a-forkin’.

Ian Stewart – Recalled from Triple-A.  If you just lost Kung Fu Panda then Mini Mini Donkey is a decent enough flyer… And if the preceding sentence made total sense to you, you might want to go outside once in a while and smell the flowers.

Jonathan Broxton – Brought into a tie game in the top of the 9th, walks 2 of 3 batters, and Mattingly pulls him for Blake Hawksworth.  Blake Hawksworth stayed true to his WWE character and played the heel – letting them both score on a Geovany Soto double.  Personally, I would’ve brought in a masked Vicente Padilla.

Jon Rauch – Blew his first save of the year via a BJ Upton 2-run HR.  That sucks but he had saved 5 in a row before that.  My guess is he still gets the next save opp vs. Frank-Frank.  It’s an important decision that could be the difference between an 80 win season or an 82 win season for the Blue Jays.

Jose Valverde - Redempción for Jose as he gets the save against the Yanks one game after taking the loss.

Scott Sizemore – Called up and rewards Leyland for his delayed belief in him with a 3 for 4 night.  That’s only one less hit than he managed last May (4 for 34).  I’d joke more about how Sizemore sucked last year but Grey still hasn’t gotten over it.  Maybe he can now stop singing his ‘Say Anything’ tribute to him….Scott Sizemore lies more…when he’s 0-for-four….

Fausto Carmona - Played 8 innings of chicken with Tyson Ross and the A’s and won when Fuentes coughed up 3 runs in the top of the 9th.  He’s been on a roll of late but he’s also had some pretty favorable matchups (@OAK, @MIN, home vs. KC and BAL).  I’d say he’s an okay streamer option in mixed leagues when he has a decent matchup but his low K rate and occasional wildness leaves me wary.

Eduardo Sanchez – Got his 2nd save of the season by getting Gaby Sanchez to pop up and Mike Stanton to strike out after he had let two get on via a walk and HBP.  He now has 18 Ks in 11 innings and he definitely probably maybe is the new closer of the Cardinals.  You never know with LaRussa.  Speaking of LaRussa, did you hear that his daughter is going to be an Oakland Raiders cheerleader?  I guess cheering for steroided Oakland athletes runs in the family.

Jose Bautista – Out for a couple of days with an inflamed neck.  I’m sure it’ll subside once he agrees to live up to the deal and hand over his soul to the devil.

Justin Smoak – 3 for 4 with 2 RBIs against his old team (the Rangers).  He’s quickly becoming the most feared Mariner hitter (aside from Milton Bradley of course).

Orlando Hudson - All you Hudson owners who were waiting for the inevitable injury that would sadly put an end Hudson’s improbable SB spree, your wait is over.  Strained hamstring.  Even if he doesn’t go on the DL, that’ll put the kibosh on SBs for the time being.  If he does go on the DL, keep an eye on Eric Patterson who could steal bases in bunches.

Nelson Cruz – Cruz came out of the game with a tight quad.  Does he even have to go to the trainer for these issues anymore?  Hasn’t he learned to treat himself by now – kind of like how Swayze’s character in Roadhouse could stitch himself?

Pedro Alvarez – He also left early with a tight quad which still made him the 4th healthiest 3rd baseman to start on opening day.

Jason Bourgeois – 3 for 5 with 2 doubles, 2 RBIs, and a SB as he filled in for the injured Carlos Lee.  That’s 10 SBs – he’s nearly out-SAGNOFing Bourn.  He’s a must own as long as he’s starting – though Jason resents the implication that ‘owning’ him means he’s part of the proletariat.  You’ve been Marxed!

Luke Scott - Another HR for Luke Scott.  That’s 4 in 6 games.  Luke warm is an understatement.  He’s more like Luke Perry (in 1990)!

Mat Latos – The time to buy low on Latos – if there was a time – may be starting to close.  He gave up 2 ER in 6 IP.  Two key points with Latos:  1) He has 30 Ks in 27 IP and 2) He pitches half his games in Petco.

Carlos Pena – Pena finally got his 1st HR of the year.   Pena can now start attending the weekly HAGNOF meetings (how ya doin’, Mr. Branyan!).  One more HR and he’ll be all tied up with Nate Schierholtz!

Nate Schierholtz - The answer to the unasked question of “Who had the most random slam and legs so far in 2011?”  If only Vegas let you play the Slam & Legs exacta, I could spout that it was 10,000-to-1 odds or something like that.  And Bill Simmons could regale us with stories like, “My buddy and I had $100 on Big Papi for the 500-to-1 exacta and he hits a HR in the 3rd.  That was the easy part.  But in the 9th inning, the Sox are down by two and he walks.  He steals 2nd on the next pitch and they call defensive indifference!  I can’t believe I went to the game over watching an ESPN Classic replay of the 1983 Celtics-Knicks ‘Boston Tea Party’ game where Kevin McHale got the whole Knick team in a headlock and Larry Bird tea-bagged each one.”

Shin-Soo Choo – Arrested for DUI.  Soo Choo?  More like Shochu or Soju!  (that joke would kill if we were a Korean or Japanese blog!)  They didn’t even bother to take out the breathalyzer as Choo’s face gave it away.  Damn you Alcohol flush reaction – aka Asian Flush!  Upon told by the cops that his face looked flush, Choo asked what the f**k that meant and was forced to spend the next couple hours riding a tricycle and getting taken in poker.