Omar Infante

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Up Goes Frazier! Up Goes Frazier!

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 567 Comments

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Todd Frazier went deep twice yesterday.  When asked the other day if Frazier would play, Dusty Baker said, “It could be (Miguel) Cairo.  I’ve got an idea what guys’ strengths and weaknesses are… We’ll see. It’s up to Frazier.   Okay, who switched out my mint toothpicks with splinters!  You know my T-picks kill the skunk breath!”  Todd Frazier is a damn fine specimen of underachieving-could-easily-be-achieving-if-he-starts-hitting prospect hitting nom-nom.  In the minors last year, he had 15 homers and 17 steals, year before 17/14, year before he helped pen Richard Marx’s foray into romance novels, “Hold Onto The Knights.”  What can’t he do!?  Not sure if that’s rhetorical, but I’ll answer.  I’m not sure he can hit for an average over .240 in the long run.  There’s a chance Rolen gets Wally Pipp’d even if he returns healthy and that ‘if’ is the size of Hasselhoff’s ego.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Aroldis Chapman – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks.  ERA is at 0.00, WHIP is at 0.57.  Dusty Baker said yesterday that the plan is for Aroldis to start someday.  That reminds me of a sentence I read recently in Scientific American, “Because of natural evolution patterns, it’s conceivable that pigs will fly someday.”

Vance Worley – Placed on the DL.  Went from a match-ups pitcher who could get lit to having an inflamed elbow.  Call the fire department!

Please, blog, may I have some more?
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You Go Tell Rafael That I Ain’t Taking No Jive

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 322 Comments

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David Robertson to the DL for three weeks with a left oblique strain.  2009 was the Year of the Oblique, then there was the Middle Infieluenza Outbreak of Twenty-Ten, and 2011 was a war between General Soreness and Major Discomfort.  This year is The Closepocalypse.  If you’re a closer and gonna go to the DL, at least get your make-believe plague right.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
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Hamilton Satisfies Bedside Wish For Conjoined Twins

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 315 Comments

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“Just because we share some organs doesn’t mean you can’t hit 2 two-run homers for each of us!”  Josh Hamilton had a night that makes you feel like you’re seven years old again.  You remember it.  When the birds chirped, it made you smile.  When your dad carried you on his shoulders, you were on top of the world.  When you peed the bed, no one tried to commit you to rehab.  People pinched your cheeks without you having to pay some stranger on Craigslist $75.  You’d throw a pebble into the lake without worrying if you hit someone in the head and blinded them if your insurance would cover it.  A time of joy.  Wonder.  No Splenda.  That’s what Josh Hamilton did for us last night.  And he also gave his stupid fantasy owners 4 friggin’ homers, going 5-for-5 with 4 runs and 8 RBIs.  Why don’t I have him on every team?!  I would not try and sell him high because if he stays healthy (it doesn’t have to be that remote of a chance, you cynical bastard), you have an MVP.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Adrian Beltre – 2-for-5 with a homer.  Pfft, wake me when you hit three more!

Please, blog, may I have some more?
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Pineda They Come, Pineda They Fall

| 2012 Fantasy Baseball | 591 Comments

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The Yankees got bested by the team that gave Adam Jones away in a chump trade.  I mean, yikes with a side of damn.  I could even see adding seven a’s into that damn for good measure.  Michael Pineda is done for the year with a torn labrum, which only sounds like an injury that a female gymnast would get.  Mariners threw him for 340 innings in 2011 and then traded him to the Yankees for their best prospect.  Hey, Yankees, say hello to your mother for me!  Pineda sounds like he’s done for the year.  This is good for teams that drafted him, but had an “Only one Pineda per team” clause.  For all other teams that drafted him this isn’t good news.  Drop him like a hot Pineda.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Zimmerman – He’s gonna try to hit on Thursday.  I kinda hope it goes badly, and I own him.  Here’s the scenario I see happening if it goes well:  He returns on Friday, reinjures himself and then really needs 15 days from Saturday.  At least if his hitting session goes poorly, the Nats can backdate his DL stint.  Yes, I’m hopeful for a DL stint.  Yes, I’m Googling his address so I can have a “word” with him.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
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Latos Intolerable

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 640 Comments

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I watched Mat Latos yesterday.   Now I want an eye transplant with someone that watched Jamie Moyer pitch (not when he was first called up because that eye transplant would have cataracts).  I wish I could pinpoint what the problem is with Latos, besides looking terrible.  He was hitting 95 MPH on the maybe-a-tad-Reds-friendly radar gun for three straight pitches to Beltran.  Unfortunately, he threw all three friggin’ pitches in the exact same spot, so, of course, Beltran turned on one.  Then he made the next hitter, Holliday, look terrible with offspeed stuff.  Like a bachelorette order form, is there somewhere I can check for him to mix in the junk?  Does Mesoraco only have one finger on his pitch-calling hand?  Is Latos giving up early runs so Dusty can’t throw him into the 11th inning?  How do you even give up 5 earned runs in the first two innings on only 6 baserunners?  Is that even mathematically possible with only one two-run homer?  Why are you making me wrack my brain?  And why are you giving up a two out triples to the opposing pitcher?!  Latos gets the Giants next.  If he can’t make them look like a team that has only three hitters, and one of which they bench, then Latos is going to my bench for the foreseeable future.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Krispie Young – The MRI revealed a ligament tear and who wins this year’s Biggest Loser.  Damn you, MRI, and your spoilers!  Krispie’s headed to the 15-day DL and the Diamondbacks say he should be fine after a couple of weeks of rest.  With a ligament tear in his shoulder?  Sounds like they have a ligament tear in their silver lining.  This sounds like something that won’t only sideline Krispie for longer than 15 days but also leave him at less than 100% for the rest of the season until an offseason of rest.  It’s pretty terrible news.  Rico Suave should see the majority of the time in the outfield while Krispie gets himself right.  Parra’s pretty yawnstipating from a fantasy perspective for mixed leagues.  In NL-Only leagues, he should get you some counting stats.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
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Wilson’s Arm A Wreck, Cast Away For The Season

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 463 Comments

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Brian Wilson is donzo.  I called this one about 48 hours prior.  You can put it on the beard…. Goodbye!  The crizzappy thing for me is I told everyone to pick up Santiago Casilla to replace Wilson, and I picked him up too.  I mean, I literally grabbed Casilla while the trainer was looking at Wilson’s arm on Thursday.  So, of course, I dropped Casilla when Wilson was supposedly okay on Friday and Rudy grabbed him on Saturday before I could.  *shakes fist*  Rudy!  No one really knows who’ll follow in Wilson’s non-conformist footsteps.  He leaves a long shadow that smells of dirty socks.  Sergio Romo has been a great MR for a couple years, while Casilla is rumored to be the favorite and Bochy brought him into the 8th in a tie game on Saturday.  The mystery of ‘Who replaces Wilson?’ is trapped inside Bochy’s enormous head.  To get the answer, you have move Bochy’s head like one of those wooden labyrinth marble mazes and hope the answer comes out his mouth and not one of the other holes.  I’d grab Casilla and Romo, in that order.   I actually even grabbed Affeldt for situational saves, but I realized I couldn’t speculate that deep — don’t have the bench room, yo — so I lost him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jacoby Ellsbury – That hard C you heard was the crunch of Brignac falling on a crapton of fantasy baseballers’ (<–my mom’s term!) number one outfielder.  Doctors are saying Ellsbury has a subluxation, laymen are saying he has a dislocation of the shoulder, my Asian woman neighbor who’s always working on her lawn said, “Potato-potahto, you’re screwed.”  For the next six to eight weeks, he’s D’Ellsburied.  If he fails to respond to rest, there’s a chance he’ll need season-ending surgery.  I say put a cone on his head and shove him in a dog crate.  Gotta respond to that kind of rest.  If you owned Ellsbury, you should be able to find steals — SAGNOF!

Please, blog, may I have some more?
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The Drew Storen Called And They’re Running Out Of UCLs

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 197 Comments

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Drew Storen is headed to see Dr. Freeze.  Here’s what I said about three weeks ago, “Drew Storen had arm discomfort… About two weeks ago (so that was about five weeks ago now; this is me adding an addendum — Hey!  Okay, back to the quote).  He hasn’t pitched in a game since March 7th (that’s more than a month ago; okay, maybe I didn’t need to clarify that) and had soreness in his biceps playing catch yesterday (that’s less than a month ago, but more than three weeks ago… Oh, forget.  I’m coming out of this quote.)”  And that’s me coming out of my quote prematurely!  That’s what she said!  Wait, huh?  My guess is Storen will probably be out for a few months.  You don’t go see Dr.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
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International Talk About How The Pirates Can’t Hit Day

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 67 Comments

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Ian Kennedy loves each and everyone.  That’s why he gave you 12 Ks yesterday over 8 innings while only allowing one hit.  You say, “No, he doesn’t.  He doesn’t even know me.  How could he love me?”  You remember when you couldn’t find a parking spot at Chick-fil-A last week and you were about to give up when a chicken sandwich fell into the flat bed of your El Camino?  That was dropped there by Ian Kennedy.  So you tell me he doesn’t love you.  You tell me he doesn’t love you when he has a sub-3 ERA over 216 innings.  Tell me that.  A 1.08 WHIP and 194 Ks, he gives you that too, unconditionally.  Tell me he judges you when you try to fashion a belt out of twine.  He doesn’t judge you.  He loves you.  Love him back.  I do.  As for 2012 fantasy baseball, I’m thinking Kennedy could be a tad overpriced.  Yeah, my love just went out the window.  His BABIP’s a bit low and his LOB% is a bit high.  She says she likes the ocean.  I’ll look at him more in-depth over the offseason, but he’s got FIPping problems I need evaluate.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Wily Mo Pena – 1-for-1 with 3 walks.  He has a career .303 OBP.  That’s like an 80 to 1 shot he can avoid making an out in four at-bats.  There must be a kid in a Seattle hospital who really cares about OBP.  (BTW, his hometown was the winner of the “Best Town To Substitute Into The Lion King Song” contest.)

Mike Carp – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and a homer.  Now has two homers in the last three games.  The one nice thing about playing for a non-contender at this time of year is the collective you has nothing to play for so players can go out and be selfish to prove their worth.  Unlike those silly playoff teams saving their players for games that matter.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Them Crooked Save Vultures — Snap, Snap, Claw, Claw, Save

| Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell | 81 Comments

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Snap, snap, claw, claw, save.  That’s The Save Vulture Dance.  Snap, snap, claw, claw, save…  Sing it like it’s The Electric Slide.  The save vulture is a scavenger bird.  They see weakness in others’ misfortune.  A closer goes down or struggles and the save vulture swoops in and gnaws on the closer’s handcuff.  Peck, Jim Johnson, peck.  Peck, Joel Peralta, peck-peck.  The save vultures are indigenous to rural and metropolitan areas, especially if there’s an injury.  Goodbye, Brian Wilson.  Hello, Sergio Romo, Santiago Casilla and Jeremy Affeldt.  Save vultures have trouble reproducing because they’re usually overweight guys who would prefer to listen to sports news than what the girl they’re dating is talking about.  “How does my manicure look?”  “Very pretty, Manny Acosta.”   “Did you just call me, Manny Acosta?”  “No.”  Joakim Soria has tightness in his hamstring; the save vulture has limberness in its loins that only Greg Holland can satiate.  If you need closers, there’s quite a few of them out there right now.  There’s also quite a few that you can drop.  Member when you were my closer, Fernando Salas?  Fernando Salas, “I don’t know who you are and why are you sitting on my couch in the dark?”  Doesn’t matter cause I just dropped you for Jason Motte and it felt great.  Snap, snap, claw, claw, save…  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Lonnie Chisenhall – Why don’t you pick up Lonnie Chisenhall?  Afraid of success?  That’s what your ex-wife would say.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
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It’s A Beautiful Dayan

| Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell | 96 Comments

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The Big Donkey, Adam Dunn, was a big ass.  Carlos Quentin’s status is TBD even when we know the ETA which we don’t right now.  This leaves Dayan Viciedo playing.  It’s addition by the subtraction of Ozzie’s choices.  “Can Brent Lillibridge play first and third at the same time?”  Things Ozzie has recently asked his bench coach.  Viciedo was always a top Cuban raftee and, through his first four games, he has a homer, steal and is batting .538.  Maybe we shouldn’t defrost Ted Williams’ head just yet, but you don’t need Mapquest to know he’s going in the right direction.  Not to mention, I’m not even sure Mapquest still exists.  Start a viable service and Google will take you over.  I like your concept, Groupon, I will now do the exact same thing.  With Viciedo’s 3rd base eligibility, he’s worth a flyer anywhere you need a corner infidel.  That’s right, patch Dayan into your team for Golda Meir.  (If you didn’t need to Google that last line, props to you.)  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Jack Hannahan – Perennial Carson favorite hit three homers in two days this week and .420 (stoner!) in August.  Didn’t hurt that he brought his liger to the clubhouse to scare Lonnie Chisenhall.

Please, blog, may I have some more?