Fantasy Baseball Advice

Brian Wilson is donzo.  I called this one about 48 hours prior.  You can put it on the beard…. Goodbye!  The crizzappy thing for me is I told everyone to pick up Santiago Casilla to replace Wilson, and I picked him up too.  I mean, I literally grabbed Casilla while the trainer was looking at Wilson’s arm on Thursday.  So, of course, I dropped Casilla when Wilson was supposedly okay on Friday and Rudy grabbed him on Saturday before I could.  *shakes fist*  Rudy!  No one really knows who’ll follow in Wilson’s non-conformist footsteps.  He leaves a long shadow that smells of dirty socks.  Sergio Romo has been a great MR for a couple years, while Casilla is rumored to be the favorite and Bochy brought him into the 8th in a tie game on Saturday.  The mystery of ‘Who replaces Wilson?’ is trapped inside Bochy’s enormous head.  To get the answer, you have move Bochy’s head like one of those wooden labyrinth marble mazes and hope the answer comes out his mouth and not one of the other holes.  I’d grab Casilla and Romo, in that order.   I actually even grabbed Affeldt for situational saves, but I realized I couldn’t speculate that deep — don’t have the bench room, yo — so I lost him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jacoby Ellsbury – That hard C you heard was the crunch of Brignac falling on a crapton of fantasy baseballers’ (<–my mom’s term!) number one outfielder.  Doctors are saying Ellsbury has a subluxation, laymen are saying he has a dislocation of the shoulder, my Asian woman neighbor who’s always working on her lawn said, “Potato-potahto, you’re screwed.”  For the next six to eight weeks, he’s D’Ellsburied.  If he fails to respond to rest, there’s a chance he’ll need season-ending surgery.  I say put a cone on his head and shove him in a dog crate.  Gotta respond to that kind of rest.  If you owned Ellsbury, you should be able to find steals — SAGNOF! — on waivers.  His combo on speed, power, runs, RBIs, average… Well, it’s a bitter pill(sbury) to swallow.

Jason Repko – 0-for-3, as he started yesterday in CF for the Sawx.  Jason Repko is the answer to the question, “Who is Jason Repko?”  “Who’s the thirty-one year old has-been in the outfield?” “This is the Red Sox depth?” and “Wait, what?”

Mike Aviles – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer in as many games after he took over the leadoff spot.  In the big picture, I’m not a fan of Aviles, but if you have a slow starting MI photobombing your big picture, I could see working with Aviles.  Just don’t be jockin’ Mike Aviles to my dismay.

Cody Ross – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  No one really likes a Cody, except Kathie Lee, but if he’s hitting there’s that.  BTW, with Big Papi, Youk, Ross, Aviles, Shoppach and Repko in the starting lineup yesterday, is it me or does it seem like Theo was secretly replaced by Brian Sabean?

David Wright – Decided to play through the pain and homered on Saturday, and has gone 5-for-9 in his two games back.  I don’t know.  I’m trying not to be a Mets player hater here, as I’ve been accused of in the past, but here’s my take.  I think Wright’s a gamer.  He’s shown it in the past.  At one point in 2009, he was battling concussion symptoms, lingering groin soreness, a flu and a strain behind his knee all at the same time.  And he still got on the field.  Can I dig it?  Yes, I can.  He’s like the “It’s merely a flesh wound” guy.  But he still hit 10 homers that year in 144 games.  I’d be concerned that he’s playing with a broken pinkie and it’s not healing properly, so it ends up costing his numbers in the long run.

Ike Davis – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his first homer.  I gotta say, people in the comments talking about dropping Ike Davis after 10 days of games is a bit crazy.  If he hits 3 more homers in April (still have half a month!), he’s on pace for 24 homers for the year.  Isn’t that kinda what you expected from him?

Brandon Belt – 1-for-3 with a steal with the start.  Bochy’s marble must’ve fell out the right hole.

Ryan Vogelsong – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Pirates.  In the rankings, I wrote something about how Vogelsong would be a solid spot starter against weaker offenses.  And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Matt Moore – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has 9 walks in 13 innings.  Did Ollie Perez and Matt Moore make a wish while peeing in the same fountain?

Luke Scott – 1-for-4 with a homer in two straight games.  After Luke Scott hit a homer on Saturday, I grabbed him for Sunday’s game.  He’s like a slightly less streaky, Carlos Pena.  He can hit 8 homers in a month, then a buck twenty-five for another month, then get hurt during his home run trot.  April looks like the month he hits 8 homers.  Or April powers, bring May sours.

Hector Noesi – There are Noesi starts in MLB, but OAK @ SEA sure isn’t one of the hardest.  That said, 8 shutout innings with 6 Ks is pretty sweet.  He has potential to be the King of the Marginers.  “I name this land, Pineiroton, after one of our forefathers.”  That’s Noesi taking the King of the Marginers title a little too seriously.

Edwin Jackson – A complete game victory against the Reds with only 1 ER, 3 baserunners, and 9 Ks.  Don’t get too excited.  You take the win out of his name and you’re left with ‘Jacked, son.’  In shallow leagues, he’s a 6th SP or streaming candidate.

Omar Infante – 1-for-5 with his 4th homer.  Eh, only 4 more than Stanton.  I’m not bitter.  Nah.  I will now down a bottle of NyQuil and operate heavy machinery.

Hanley Ramirez – 7 for his last 9 with a homer.  Hey, look what the cat dragged in –> 2010 Hanley.

Heath Bell – Could there be an easier save opp than a 3 run lead at the Crayola Canyon against the Lastros?  If there is, let Heath Bell know because he could use it.  Lucky for his owners, 2 of the runs were credited as unearned.  Wouldn’t handcuff him yet, but I’d be a little more aggressive fishing for waiver saves if I owned him.

Brandon Beachy – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, which comes after Mike Minor went 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks on Saturday.  If Leo Mazzone were around, he’d be on the bench rocking back and forth like The Masturbating Bear to the Braves young pitching.

Jason Heyward – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer and he’s batting .345.  After the first game of the season, I said some crazy thing like Heyward looks lost.  Well, I’m a moron, similarly to Fredi, who insists on batting Heyward 7th.  Move Heyward up!

Jonathan Lucroy – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  The other Brewers catcher, Kottaras, has three homers.  So Kottaras and Lucroy combined have more homers than Pujols, Stanton, Longoria, Braun and Votto.  Gotta love early season outliers.

Mike Leake – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K.  This has no basis in fact, but it seems like Leake (which makes beautiful crystal) that he either has a 6 IP, 3 ER game or a 6 IP, 5 ER.  That’s, uh, not so, uh, good for mixed leagues.  In related news, Aroldis has 8 IP, 3 hits, no walks and 15 Ks on the year.  In case you need that told to you with teenaged girl emphasis — 15 Ks!!!  In, like, only 8 IP!!!  Plenty gnar.

Dayan Viciedo – 1-for-4 yesterday with his second homer in three games.  Viciedo is Latin for “I came, I hacked, I homered.”

Jason Kipnis – 3 for his last 7 with 2 homers.  Here’s my Jason Kipnis fantasy because I don’t believe in throwing out the baby even after three Opening Days and eight total games for the Indians.  Hey, I get it, I’m just as bad.  In the my RCL, I’ve made 23 waiver wire moves (pretty much adding and dropping my UTIL guy cause I lost Chisenhall), but, well, go read this post.

Liam Hendriks – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (0 walks), 4 Ks.  You know how next to the deli counter there’s a counter for starters who don’t walk or strikeout many guys and have more real world value than fantasy?  The Twins order their meat from there.

Matt Carpenter – 4-for-4, 5 RBIs and a homer.  He’s filling in for Berkman.  Carpenter’s minor league numbers look kinda utility-man-ish, so if that’s anything like Omar Infante, he’ll hit 4 homers this week.

Jake Westbrook – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  And if the Twins buy their meat from the Hendriks’ section, the Cards buy their meat from Westbrook/Chris Carpenter section where pitchers are either the type no one wants that the Cards turn into aces or the aces they turn into meat.

Bryan Shaw – Recorded his 2nd save of the year yesterday.  Now has more saves than Sean Marshall.  David Hernandez and Putz were used the previous day (and were ineffective), but there’s nothing to see here (probably).  Shaw may not get a nutter save this year.

Trevor Cahill – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks in Coors.  I know no one’s looking at rankings anymore because we’re a whole 9 games into a 162 games season, but I liked Cahill in the preseason.  I still do.

Krispie Young – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam & legs, hitting .364.  This was his fourth homer… To tie Omar Infante!  Since this is really all about me, Krispie is literally the only guy on my RCL team that is hitting.  That is all.  Literally.

Matt Kemp – 3-for-4 with his 6th homer.  In the offseason, Kemp said he wanted to have a 50/50 season.  I didn’t realize he meant in April.

Dee Gordon – 2-for-6 with his 6th and 7th steal.  He really could steal 70 bases this year, as long as he doesn’t walk too close to a salad bar and someone mistakes him for a string bean.

Brett Myers – Astros are shopping around Myers.  Hey, I got an idea.  Trade him to the Nats for Lannan.  Or the Giants, Marlins, Blue Jays, Red Sox, Rangers, Rays, Diamondbacks, Twins, back to the Astros… Is there any team that doesn’t need a closer?

Kyle Drabek – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 1.42 on the year (okay, that’s through two starts).  Small sample size, schmall schample schmize.   He’s a former top prospect and you should grab him in case this is the breakout finally for this former-top-prospect-no-longer-a-prospect-maybe-is-showing-signs-of-being-a-top-prospect-again pitcher.  I got all hyphenated there, the un-comma.

Brett Lawrie – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his first homer on the year as he bats .306.  No amount of hashtags is holding back our enthusiasm for Lawrie.

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his third homer.  What’s E5 doing at 1st?  The answer, my friend, is the blowing from Lind.

Drew Storen is headed to see Dr. Freeze.  Here’s what I said about three weeks ago, “Drew Storen had arm discomfort… About two weeks ago (so that was about five weeks ago now; this is me adding an addendum — Hey!  Okay, back to the quote).  He hasn’t pitched in a game since March 7th (that’s more than a month ago; okay, maybe I didn’t need to clarify that) and had soreness in his biceps playing catch yesterday (that’s less than a month ago, but more than three weeks ago… Oh, forget.  I’m coming out of this quote.)”  And that’s me coming out of my quote prematurely!  That’s what she said!  Wait, huh?  My guess is Storen will probably be out for a few months.  You don’t go see Dr. Freeze for the lollipops.  Unless he’s removing your arm and giving you lollipop appendages.  “Hey, guys, stop calling me a Dum-Dum and I’m serious!”  We shall see on when Storen will return.  I’ve been preaching about Henry Rodriguez for about three weeks too.  He’s a wild cat.  Yesterday, he came in and seduced me with his filth, but left me sad and alone with the wild.  (The preceding was not an excerpt from my soon to be released western novel, “Saddle Up To My Stache.”)  If HanK-Rod is still out there, I’d grab him.  If Lidge is out there, I’d grab him too.  I’m pretty sure Davey will decide on one closer within the next week or so and you’ll be able to drop the guy not getting saves.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Anibal Sanchez – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  It’s a solid start, so I’m not gonna complain too much, which is obviously leading into me complaining.  Now, it’s the first start of the year for Anibal, couldn’t we have been happy with 6 strong innings and not sent him out there to give up two runs in the 7th?  Stupid Ozzie!  (By the way, I made “Stupid Ozzie” a shortcut on my computer.  Now whenever I type “St” it fills in the rest with Stupid Ozzie.)

Giancarlo Stupid Ozzie – Was scratched with knee pain.  The Marlins aren’t that concerned, but the Marlins also decided to put a giant sculpture of unicorn vomit in their outfield, so I’m not sure how much we should trust them.

Omar Infante – 2-for-4 with 2 homers, and now has 3 homers on the year.  Look at the Infante getting all grown up.  Who’s the big boy?  You’re the big boy.

Emilio Bonifacio – 3-for-4 with his 4th steal in 5 games.  Was actually kinda bummed I didn’t draft Bonifacio on any teams.  I was like three Phillie Blunts high on him when I did my rankings.  Oh, well, can’t get everyone I suppose, especially when Rudy refused to draft him on any of our teams.  *shakes fist* Rudy!

Brandon Phillips – Left yesterday’s game with a hamstring cramp.  Doesn’t Midol make something for that?

Jonathan Papelbon – 1 IP, 1 ER.  Kazaam!

Jhoulys Chacin – 4 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Worst thing you can do is overreact early on to one start or a few oh-fer’s.  With that said, Yo-Lease is a mess.  His velocity’s down, his walks are up, he’s probably dealing with an injury…. It’s what got Khalil Greene in the end, the Silent H is too much of a burden!  Yo-lease is up, move out!

Dexter Fowler – 0-for-4 yesterday as he was dropped from leadoff to the two hole.  The way he’s hitting the two hole may be appropriate figuratively, but he’s literally going to be in the eight hole soon.

Barry Zito – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks as he threw his first shutout since 2003.  After the game, Zito celebrated with a dip in the jay-couz.  (<–PNSFWUYWAAPPC — Potentially Not Safe For Work Unless You Work At A Porn Production Company)

Daniel Bard – Red Sox reiterated that they want Bard as a starter.  We shall see how they feel after Bard’s start on Tuesday vs. the Blue Jays.  I’m putting the over/under for runs at 5 and the walks at 4.  Anyone want any action?

Alfredo Aceves – Threw a perfect inning to get the save.  For now, Red Sox Nation delayed their trip to Lake Tahoe with ‘fredo.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper could be activated for Tuesday.  He’s probably hoping to get in the lineup immediately, so he can get injured again by the weekend.

C.J. Wilson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks as he held the heart of the Twins order to… Hmm, where is the heart of the Twins order?

Hector Noesi – 3 IP, 7ER and Yu Darvish (5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks) as they combined to throw more hangers than Joan Crawford.

Josh Hamilton – 3-for-5 with a homer as he whet someone’s appetite for dance.

Brett Gardner – 1-for-1 with a steal.  Since he wasn’t very good against lefties, Girardi is using a platoon with Andruw Jones and a Waterpik to get between his braces.  Firstly, Gardner still gets in the game and steals a base (the reason you have him).  Secondly, this platoon sticks if Gardner doesn’t hit.  Last year, he hit .194 in April and .233 vs. lefties, so maybe he’s doing us a favor.  Thirdly, the platoon only sticks if the Yankees’ old and wonky lineup stays healthy.  Fourthly, there’s no fourthly.

Jake Westbrook – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Zoinks!  The Ghost of Dave Duncan left a walkthrough for Jake and his friends to Escape from Great American Ballpark.

David Freese – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer.  I’ll admit that I’m surprised by Freese’s fast start.  I thought he was an Ecksteinian (which looks odd, but Ecksteinesque sounded weird in my head) type MVP and he’d go back to being a role player.  Now, he’s just looking like he’s on a roll, player!

Chris Sale – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  If you’re joining us late — where you been?!  You missed about 20,000 offseason words.  I’ll summarize.  Yadda Anibal yadda Bruce yadda Anibal yadda Bruce yadda Bumgarner yadda ouch my Bum yadda Anibal and my Chris Sale fantasy.

Hector Santiago – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  Honestly, how long you think this Santiago thing is gonna last?  Two weeks?  Three weeks?  A month?  I’m thinking maybe three weeks.

Henderson Alvarez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Here’s what I said in the past about Alvarez, “Ground ball, pitch-to-contact pitcher who doesn’t strike out a whole lot of hitters.  In other words, the complete antithesis to every other Blue Jay pitcher.  Not wild, low Ks, kinda boring.”  And that’s me quoting me!  I’m not a big fan, but he could have match-up potential.

Sergio Santos – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners and the blown save.  Red light, Chinese fire drill, pick up Francisco Cordero, get back in the car, buckle up, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

Tommy Milone – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 0 Ks.  He won’t have any Ks ever, which is usually a than, but no thans.  But he will help you with your ratios.  Yes, I’d grab him.  Yes, right now.

Darwin Barney – 1-for-3 with a homer for The Purple Evolutionist.  His best month last year was April.  As Darwin will tell you, April is the beginning of all things (or at least baseball).

Bryan LaHair – 2-for-4 and a homer.  When you put ‘power upside’ into Google translator, it spits back “Anything but James Loney.  God, he annoys me.  You should try LaHair in deep leagues.  Now where’s my scotch?!” Geez, Google translator sounds a bit testy.

Brian Matusz – 4 IP, 4 ER.  How’s that momentum from his spring training going?

Matt Wieters – 4-for-4 with his 2nd home run of the year.  Matt Wieters Fact Number #367:  He once porked Boog Powell’s daughter while singing “Ironic” by Alanis Morissette.

Frank Francisco – Terry Collins said that Francisco is still dealing with some knee inflammation, but he should be fine.  If they need to rest him as the Mets go 162-0, they could turn to Jon Rauch or Miguel Batista, the poet laureate of baseball.  When Miguel Batista heard the news, he said, “Francisco’s on an un-mended knee… When Terry needs help, he’ll call me, sí… If Francisco’s on the shelf for a while and not feeling spry, then they’ll call Rauch, especially if that shelf’s high,” then Batista took off his Mets hat that had a feather in it and bowed.

Ian Kennedy loves each and everyone.  That’s why he gave you 12 Ks yesterday over 8 innings while only allowing one hit.  You say, “No, he doesn’t.  He doesn’t even know me.  How could he love me?”  You remember when you couldn’t find a parking spot at Chick-fil-A last week and you were about to give up when a chicken sandwich fell into the flat bed of your El Camino?  That was dropped there by Ian Kennedy.  So you tell me he doesn’t love you.  You tell me he doesn’t love you when he has a sub-3 ERA over 216 innings.  Tell me that.  A 1.08 WHIP and 194 Ks, he gives you that too, unconditionally.  Tell me he judges you when you try to fashion a belt out of twine.  He doesn’t judge you.  He loves you.  Love him back.  I do.  As for 2012 fantasy baseball, I’m thinking Kennedy could be a tad overpriced.  Yeah, my love just went out the window.  His BABIP’s a bit low and his LOB% is a bit high.  She says she likes the ocean.  I’ll look at him more in-depth over the offseason, but he’s got FIPping problems I need evaluate.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Wily Mo Pena – 1-for-1 with 3 walks.  He has a career .303 OBP.  That’s like an 80 to 1 shot he can avoid making an out in four at-bats.  There must be a kid in a Seattle hospital who really cares about OBP.  (BTW, his hometown was the winner of the “Best Town To Substitute Into The Lion King Song” contest.)

Mike Carp – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and a homer.  Now has two homers in the last three games.  The one nice thing about playing for a non-contender at this time of year is the collective you has nothing to play for so players can go out and be selfish to prove their worth.  Unlike those silly playoff teams saving their players for games that matter.

Alex Liddi – 2-for-4 with a homer and he became the first paisan born in Italy to play in the major leagues in 50 years.  That’s a one spicy prospect!

Dustin Ackley – Mariners scored 12 runs and Ackley didn’t play.  Holy sit!

Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer.  Has tailed off quite a but after the ASB (.233, 5 steals), but his power numbers have stayed fairly consistent.  Definitely peaked in May but 4 homers in August isn’t too shabby.

Chris Parmelee – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in three games as he bats .368 through 38 ABs.  In related roundup news, Alex Liddi likes to call him Chris Parm.

Ben Revere – 3-for-5 with 2 steals.  Now has 32 steals and is getting dangerously close to the point where he’s going to elicit questions next year.  “Hey, Grey, magnificent ‘stache.  Magnificent!  So what do you think of Ben Revere?  Obvious bargain, right?”  A guy with no power, around 30 steal speed is a dime a dozen in most mixed leagues.  Good waiver wire pickup is different than a good draft pick.

Ricky Romero – 9 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Similarly to Kennedy, he has some FIPping issues too.  We’ll look at in the offseason.  We’ll debate, we’ll laugh, we’ll cry, we’ll scratch ourselves, we’ll scratch someone else thinking it’s ourselves.

Craig Kimbrel – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Bad week to quit closing out games.

Troy Tulowitzki – Getting closer to getting back on the field after taking batting practice and participating in other baseball activities.  Ya know, like spitting and grabbing himself.

Cory Luebke – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Even if this start was in Coors, it was another solid year for Hodgepadres, and next year I’m definitely drafting only Padres pitchers on one team.  I gotta try it before the apocalypse.

Octavio Dotel – Got the save yesterday.  Motte came in for the ninth, messed around and gave up a triple, double, but it was not a good day.  La Russa lifted him with the bases empty and now who knows who’s the closer.  My guess is it’s still Motte, but we shall see.  Or not.  Or probably.

Jarrod Parker – Was officially called up yesterday.  I already went over my Jarrod Parker fantasy.  I wrote it while waiting in line at the DMV to have them change my height from five-seven to five-eight.

Mariano Rivera – Everyone’s heard by now that he broke Trevor Hoffman’s save record.  Surprised there wasn’t more made of this, but another record was broken yesterday.  Kerry Wood was deemed “done for the season” before the end of the season for a record 11 of 13 seasons.

Matt Angle – 3-for-8 with 2 steals in the doubleheader.  Far from an exciting name, but if you’re desperate for steals, he should get them over the next week-plus.  That’s your Angle.

Jed Lowrie – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs, 3 runs and a homer.  Hasn’t been playing because of a bum shoulder.  Try some soap and getting rid of the shopping cart filled with junk.  He’s back now and, if his bat is hot, the Sawx will play him.

Geovany Soto – 3-for-3, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.  I’ve been behind the scenes at Razzball HQ preparing the end of the season lists that will come in October and Soto wasn’t even in the top 20 catchers.  Though one big night may change that.  That was what they call a tease.

Mike Stanton – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and 2 homers.  After the game, he dedicated the 2nd home run to his biggest fan.  Me.  At least that’s how I cut the interview together with my iMovie.

Omar Infante – 2-for-5 and his 6th homer.  Nobody puts Infante in the corner.

Brad Hand – With the innings starting to creep up, the Marlins might shut him down.  Right now, the Marlins are talking to the Hand.

Snap, snap, claw, claw, save.  That’s The Save Vulture Dance.  Snap, snap, claw, claw, save…  Sing it like it’s The Electric Slide.  The save vulture is a scavenger bird.  They see weakness in others’ misfortune.  A closer goes down or struggles and the save vulture swoops in and gnaws on the closer’s handcuff.  Peck, Jim Johnson, peck.  Peck, Joel Peralta, peck-peck.  The save vultures are indigenous to rural and metropolitan areas, especially if there’s an injury.  Goodbye, Brian Wilson.  Hello, Sergio Romo, Santiago Casilla and Jeremy Affeldt.  Save vultures have trouble reproducing because they’re usually overweight guys who would prefer to listen to sports news than what the girl they’re dating is talking about.  “How does my manicure look?”  “Very pretty, Manny Acosta.”   “Did you just call me, Manny Acosta?”  “No.”  Joakim Soria has tightness in his hamstring; the save vulture has limberness in its loins that only Greg Holland can satiate.  If you need closers, there’s quite a few of them out there right now.  There’s also quite a few that you can drop.  Member when you were my closer, Fernando Salas?  Fernando Salas, “I don’t know who you are and why are you sitting on my couch in the dark?”  Doesn’t matter cause I just dropped you for Jason Motte and it felt great.  Snap, snap, claw, claw, save…  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Lonnie Chisenhall – Why don’t you pick up Lonnie Chisenhall?  Afraid of success?  That’s what your ex-wife would say.

Brent Morel – Has 4 homers in the last week with one of them coming off Porcello in a battle of the mushrooms that had the Smurfs gasping.

Juan Francisco – I went over my Juan Francisco fantasy the other day.  I wrote it while huffing grape-scented magic markers.

Omar Infante – If I was teammates with Infante, I’d be like, “What’s up, Toddler?!”  Then he’d be like, “It’s Infante, not Infant-e.”  “That’s cool, Toddler!”  He’d probably hate me.  It’s a’ight, I usually hate him, but right now he’s hitting (.346 in the last week).

Paul Goldschmidt – I’ll probably go all in with Goldschmidt next year, but he’s still a little raw.  To put that in Hell’s Kitchen-speak, if you’re owning Goldschmidt now, you’re probably walking with scallops about a minute early.

Derrek Lee – Back in the 50′s, when Lee was particpating in “Duck and Cover” drills, I wonder how he used to get under the desk.  Any the hoo!  He’s hitting, so there’s that.

Ryan Raburn – He hit two homers this week, and, yeah, I have a hard time trusting him too.  Appropriate his name contains ‘burn’ cause he’s done it to me a bunch of times.

Dee Gordon – Over the last week, he’s looked pretty lost at the plate but he could steal 5 bases this weekend.  It’s like that old joke; you own Gordon cause you need the eggs.

Marco Scutaro – He’s been hitting the cover off the ball Roy Hobbs-style.  Though, hitting the cover off the ball Marco Scutaro-style means one homer and a couple of doubles.

Jon Jay – Even before the Holliday injury, Jay was starting and hitting.  Jon Jay Jingleheimer Schmidt is my fifth outfielder and can be your fifth outfielder too.

Allen Craig – Now he should get extra playing time because of Holliday’s injury.  He reminds me of the best and worst of Infante.  Cute, but peeing in your face when you change his diaper.

Drew Pomeranz – (Or Matt Moore or Brad Peacock or Shelby Miller or any other top pitching prospect.)  These adds are more for dynasty and keeper leagues.  As for other starters at this time of year, they’re all either addable or droppable depending on their matchups.  If you want some under 50% owned starters, look at my borderline fantasy starter post from yesterday.

Wilin Rosario – The Rockies moved on from Iannetta.  In Double-A, Rosario had 21 homers in 426 plate appearances and only walked 19 times.  Sounds like the Rockies found themselves Miguel Olivo Jr.  I will now call you Miguelito, The Tiny Olive.  I wouldn’t run out and add Rosario outside of NL-Only keepers and deep two catcher leagues.

SELL

Adam Jones – Hey, he’s making himself undervalued for next year.  We can appreciate that, right?

Nelson Cruz – He might start, uh, starting games tomorrow or Sunday.  Then he might sit for a day, start, sit, etc. etc. etc.  If you have room to switch him back and forth from your bench, then you hold him.  Otherwise, I want someone I can trust to play.

Kevin Youkilis – Youuuuuuuk looks like puuuuuuke.

Mark Reynolds – He’s in one of his 6 for 40 stretches that makes you want to reconsider your Mini Donkey tattoo.  Or at least it does for me.  Stupid permanent ink.

Carlos Quentin – Ozzie’s currently infatuated with De Aza and Viciedo, which is fine by me.  I’m not hatin’, I’m statement statin’.

The Big Donkey, Adam Dunn, was a big ass.  Carlos Quentin’s status is TBD even when we know the ETA which we don’t right now.  This leaves Dayan Viciedo playing.  It’s addition by the subtraction of Ozzie’s choices.  “Can Brent Lillibridge play first and third at the same time?”  Things Ozzie has recently asked his bench coach.  Viciedo was always a top Cuban raftee and, through his first four games, he has a homer, steal and is batting .538.  Maybe we shouldn’t defrost Ted Williams’ head just yet, but you don’t need Mapquest to know he’s going in the right direction.  Not to mention, I’m not even sure Mapquest still exists.  Start a viable service and Google will take you over.  I like your concept, Groupon, I will now do the exact same thing.  With Viciedo’s 3rd base eligibility, he’s worth a flyer anywhere you need a corner infidel.  That’s right, patch Dayan into your team for Golda Meir.  (If you didn’t need to Google that last line, props to you.)  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Jack Hannahan – Perennial Carson favorite hit three homers in two days this week and .420 (stoner!) in August.  Didn’t hurt that he brought his liger to the clubhouse to scare Lonnie Chisenhall.

Kyle Seager – Last week I suggested he was like Omar Infante.  We’ll call him Omar Little.

Omar Infante – Speaking of the devil.  He’s been relatively hot recently.  If your relative is hitting near .300 over the last week.

Luke Hughes – Has four homers in the last week.  Maybe you should pick him up.  That’s my Hughes clues.

Dee Gordon – Guess who’s back?!  Dee Gordon, man (and three girl readers).  C’mon, that was easy.  His name is in front of this blurb.  If you need speed, Dee Gordon’s like Jeff Gordon without the car.  I have no idea if that makes sense.  I don’t know Nascar.  I’m guessing there are cars though since it’s in the name.  It’s not Nasbicycle.

Cliff Pennington – Hitting near .400 over the last week and has three steals in the last five games.  Plus, if you have a category in your league for Players That Sound Like They Should Be Wearing Plaid Pants, Cliff Pennington wins you that category.

Jose Altuve – Through 154 ABs, he has 2 homers, 4 steals and he’s hitting .305.  So, of course, his ESPN ownership went down from 9% to 7.4% this week.  I’m guessing Craig Biggio owns 20,000 fantasy teams and is bitter.

Mike Trout – 4 homers and batting .400 since his recall.  He’s a bit green, Scioscia may not play him, which has me blue, but if you don’t add him, you’re yellow.  And that’s my rainbow Trout.

Brandon Allen – I was thinking to myself, “Grey, there’s no reason to mention Allen this week.  He must already be over 50% owned in ESPN.  Also, could you scratch your back?  I’m itchy.  Thanks!”  Turns out Allen is nowhere near 50% owned.

Austin Jackson – I’m not a fan of a leadoff hitter with a sub-.320 OBP.  Rickey Henderson says, “Rickey Henderson says amen!”  But Jackson is currently hot, hitting near .400 over the last week.

Leonys Martin – I just went over my Leonys Martin fantasy.  I wrote it while sipping a Mint Julep, wearing a big floppy hat.

Alejandro De Aza – This is a pretty tentative buy.  He has been hot, but I think that could end by the time I finish this sent–

David Murphy – He’s the type that is unownable for the better part of a season then becomes relevant.  I wouldn’t put Baby Boo-Boo’s college fund on it, but I think he’s about to go through one of those relevant stretches.

Jordan Schafer – I wouldn’t pick up Schafer outside of a NL-Only league.  I don’t like where he’s playing, not a huge fan of his but he does provide some speed and a bit of Zimmermania.

Brandon McCarthy – Last game, he K’d 10.  He hasn’t had one month over a 4.00 ERA all year.  As for his lousy record… Too many Urkels on his team, that’s why his wins low.

Javier Vazquez – Hey, I was burned by him too.  I get it.  But he’s been good for two months now.  Stop being a pill and pick him up.

Doug Fister – Usually the lack of Ks is a problem — a than but no thans, but over his last 21 2/3 IP he has 18 Ks.  So that’s an old issue of Fister’s Journal, which I do not subscribe to and would not Google.

Bobby Parnell – You know what the kids in Washington Park say about this part of the Buy section?  Coca, puff-puff, SAGNOF!

Sergio Romo – You can’t tell me the whole time he was growing out his beard it wasn’t some kind of All About Eve plot brewing behind the scenes.  Just happens that Wilson gets hurt and Romo jumps in to replace him and all the windyweather fans in San Fran are like, “Hey, our touristy beards we bought at the souvenir stand still work!”  Then again, Santiago Casilla, Jeremy Affeldt or Ramon Ramirez might get saves too.

Steve Cishek – I think he gets the most saves in Florida in September and Nunez has multiple meltdowns.  It’s called a hunch, like how Guy Fieri eats a sandwich.

Jesus Montero – I just went over my Jesus Montero fantasy.  I wrote it while wearing an orange jumper, picking up litter on the side of the highway.

SELL

Freddie Freeman – Had a heck of a season, if you’re the type to use a word like heck.  Almost sorta blasphemy!  Freeman has 18 homers through 5 months.  What’s that?  3.6 homers per month?  It’s worth taking a chance on a hot hitter; you’re not gonna miss out on much with Freeman.  And what on earth does sixth-tenths of a homer look like anyway?

Michael Cuddyer – Another guy who has 18 homers on the year, but this schmohawk is also dealing with a hurt wrist.  Ride or Cuddyer?  I’d ride.

David Freese – He has 8 homers in 266 ABs this year.  So, unless he gets 400 ABs in September, I’m thinking you can move on to a hot schmotato.

Nelson Cruz – This kinda goes for any player that is on the DL.  If you don’t have DL room, lose him and move on.

Alexi Ogando – You guys had a good run.  Get his address and you can send him a postcard.  But get him off your team.

Tommy Hanson – Mmmdrop.

Mitch Moreland – Oh, mamma mia, mamma mia!  Mamma mia, let him go!