Fantasy Baseball Advice

Last night, Dan Haren took the naysayers and said you know nay.  The line was 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, no walks and 14 strikeouts, and, note to Scherzer, he managed 13 other outs.  Good thing Haren and Pujols started clicking before the trade deadline, Arte Moreno was seen buying some leftover Vegas hotel dynamite and about to give the big poof you to the Anaheim Angels Of A 40 Minute Commute From Los Angeles.  Haren showed great command and movement last night even though his velocity’s been down.  I’d still bet a season ERA above 3.50, unless Haren’s traded every fifth day to the team facing the Mariners.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Albert Pujols – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs.  What, horsemeat?  Al-Pu is made of 100% ground chuck, baby!  24 more days in a row like this, and we’re good.

Austin Jackson – While he mends his strained abdominal — he’s the Abdominal Strainman! — Quintin Berry should see some time in Jackson’s stead.  Yesterday, he went 1-for-3.  Too bad Quintin Berry doesn’t play for the Royals.  Or that his name isn’t Dan with the middle name Quintin.  You’re still alive in our hearts, Quiz!  I’m gonna eat a submarine sandwich for you.  Berry likes to run.  In fact, I’ll call him, HeRun.  In Triple-A, he had 19 steals in 39 games.  In AL-Only leagues, HeRun isn’t much more than a flyer for speed.  The darker the Berry, the sweeter the SAGNOF!  In mixed leagues, you can do better.  Look at me showing confidence in you.  I’m like your Dad on opposite day.

Justin Verlander – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. Justin Masterson (7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.)  It was a game that was all about Justin your instincts.  Sorry, my pun muscle is a little Justy.  Must be because I’ve been fencing at my gym rather than joustin’.  For Masterson, it’s all about adJustin’.  Or re-adJustin, if you dropped him.  His luck shows a guy that was dealing with a bit of injustice.  Is he the meow’s cat?  Nah, that’s unJustinfied.  He could be a back end starter on deeper mixed leagues without an unJustinly amount of Ks.  Not remotely Verlander though, he’s the master, son.

Shin-Soo Choo – Hitting leadoff seems to be working for Choo as he hit his 3rd HR of the year off Verlander.  He’ll probably find a way to go 20/20 out of sheer habit like Bobby Abreu used to.  In a lot of superficial ways (decent stats, kind of boring), these two seem really similar.  Maybe we’ll start calling Shin-Soo-Kabrechu.

John Danks – To the DL with left shoulder soreness.  That might explain why he’s been terrible.  In fact, maybe it’s been lingering since 2010.

Alex Rios – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  If an impatient owner (like me) stupidly (still me) dropped him (that’s what I did), I’d grab him.

Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 8th homer.  If you’re gonna own him, it looks like there’s going to be 0-for-24 slumps scattered amongst his homers.

Brian McCann – Out for the third straight day.  Sounds like he caught something.

Michael Bourn – 1-for-4 as he homered again yesterday for his third in the series.  This gives me an idea.  How about all players that weigh 170 pounds and under can use an aluminum bat?  Then before each AB, players can weigh-in like a wrestling match.  “Too many sunflowers seeds, Bourjos, grab some wood!”  “Prince Fielder’s out for two weeks for Lap-Band surgery, but when he returns watch out!” and finally “Juan Pierre homers!”

Randall Delgado – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Looked a lot better than his line indicates, but even if your league has an “Appearances” category, I’m not sure this is what they have in mind.

Juan Francisco – 1-for-4 and 5th homer as he played third base for Chipper, who the Reds honored during their pregame show because it was the last time he’d be playing in Cincy.  Classy move as they gave Chipper an artificial hip.

Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  There should be a Vegas bet where you bet whether Bailey will go 6 innings and give up 2 earned or if he’ll go less than 4 innings and give up four plus runs.  Those seem like the only lines he ever gives.

Logan Ondrusek – Got his second save last night because Aroldis had worked the night before.  I wouldn’t own the whole Reds’ bullpen, but this could be a semi-frequent occurrence.  Dusty hates fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!).

Devin Mesoraco – 1-for-3 with a grand slam.  Thursdays are a fun day for 2 catcher leagues, huh?

Yadier Molina – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer.  The best of the Flying Molina Brothers came out yesterday — Alfred Molina, “Excuse me, I could catch AND do improvisation theater.”  Yadier had been like half a mummy since his oven-roasted April, but this could be a sign he’s turning it on again, facing Blanton certainly didn’t hurt.

David Freese – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs.  Another guy that took a fortnight siesta, but his bat woke up on Wednesday and now has two homers in the last two games.

Ty Wiggington – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a homer.  I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he won’t.  He’s here now.  Wiggy rarely hits just one and done, and he’s probably out there in a ton of leagues, so if you need a little HBI (Hot Bat Injection), go for it.

Carlos Ruiz – 3-for-5, now hitting .366.  Elsewhere, Konerko homered and went 2-for-4 to raise his average to .384, David Wright homered and raised his average to .405, and Tony Gwynn just hit 415 on the scale.

Austin Kearns – His hamstring injury could mean Gaby Sanchez’s return from Triple-A on the first day he’s eligible, which also happens to be the day the Marlins are giving away Gaby t-shirts to the first 15,000 fans.  That’s like breaking up with your girlfriend on February 13th and getting back together on February 15th.  Anthony Rizzo may want to consider having 15,000 Rizzo t-shirts given away on June 1st.

Anibal Sanchez – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Such a frustrating start.  Pagan drove in three runs on broken bat hits, a botched rundown that could’ve wiped out one run, a passed ball that was ruled a wild pitch was another run, a blooper by Belt for another run… Basically, Anibal gave up one well hit ball.

Emilio Bonifacio – Who has one good thumb and likes to steal bases?  This Bonifacio!  Looks like Emilio won’t be throwing any air punches for the next four to six weeks.

Omar Infante – 4-for-5, 2 runs and 2 steals, batting .340.  Bonifacio who?!  Emilio.  I know, Random Italicized Voice, it’s an expression.  ‘Bonifacio who’ is an expression?  Forget it.

Melky Cabrera – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and a steal.  If there’s anyone out there who believes Melky is a .362 hitter, I’d sell him Melky and anything else you got lying around the house that you might not want.

Joe Mauer – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI as he homered yesterday.  Hey, does he weigh under 170 pounds?

Justin Morneau – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs, 2 homers and third in three games.  Justin the nick of time!… Okay, I’m done.  Morneau should be owned, shoot, he’s doing better than Ryan Zimmerman. (<–saying nothing!)

Ike Davis – Mets told Ike he definitely won’t be going to the minors.  They had one of their doctors tell him though, since they’re never accurate.  Yesterday, he sat for Veal Rottino.  At least that’s what I think the V. stood for in the box score.

Jeremy Hefner – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  No grotto for you tonight!

Will Venable – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs.  What’s this week’s Creeper not doing?  You should thank FtA for the tip of the week.

Eric Stults – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  You know who really appreciated this performance?  Peter Bogdanovich.

Everth Cabrera – 4-for-5, 2 runs and EverCab got the Heartspark Stealsign.  Honestly, I think this is more hits than he had combined over his entire career.

Yoenis Cespedes – Changing his bat grip so he can return from the DL.  He used to nestle the knob, which might’ve caused the muscle strain.  I’d say!  Nestling knobs in the palm of your hand?  That’s the kind of thing you want to keep on the DL, Yoenis.  In related news, Brian Dozier is upset Thome is no longer in Minnesota as his dream growing up was to play with his Jimmy and the Twins.

Todd Frazier went deep twice yesterday.  When asked the other day if Frazier would play, Dusty Baker said, “It could be (Miguel) Cairo.  I’ve got an idea what guys’ strengths and weaknesses are… We’ll see. It’s up to Frazier.   Okay, who switched out my mint toothpicks with splinters!  You know my T-picks kill the skunk breath!”  Todd Frazier is a damn fine specimen of underachieving-could-easily-be-achieving-if-he-starts-hitting prospect hitting nom-nom.  In the minors last year, he had 15 homers and 17 steals, year before 17/14, year before he helped pen Richard Marx’s foray into romance novels, “Hold Onto The Knights.”  What can’t he do!?  Not sure if that’s rhetorical, but I’ll answer.  I’m not sure he can hit for an average over .240 in the long run.  There’s a chance Rolen gets Wally Pipp’d even if he returns healthy and that ‘if’ is the size of Hasselhoff’s ego.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Aroldis Chapman – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks.  ERA is at 0.00, WHIP is at 0.57.  Dusty Baker said yesterday that the plan is for Aroldis to start someday.  That reminds me of a sentence I read recently in Scientific American, “Because of natural evolution patterns, it’s conceivable that pigs will fly someday.”

Vance Worley – Placed on the DL.  Went from a match-ups pitcher who could get lit to having an inflamed elbow.  Call the fire department!

Clay Buchholz – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 7.77.  He looked fine yesterday, but, no kidding, I can’t believe he’s still in the rotation.  Like for real, or “Pho Real” if we’re going by the name of my Vietnamese restaurant that I’m minority owner of.  Last time I write up a bucket list drunk.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – Bobby Valentine said he’s not close to returning.  Red Sox fans exhaled.

Chase Utley – Yesterday, he took grounders.  Phillie fans inhaled.

Hiroki Kuroda – 5 IP, 7 ER.  Yankee fans burped.

Ivan Nova – Set for a bullpen session tomorrow.  Pop the champagne.  Super, Nova.

Fernando Rodney – Notched his 12th save and lowered his ERA to 0.48.  I’m guessing the Devil wouldn’t make any deals with him while he was on the Angels.

Carlos Ruiz – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 7th homer.  Hannah, so far and away the Phils best hitter so far, Hannah.  <–Almost palindrome!

Freddy Galvis – 2-for-4, with a run and an RBI.  He’s hitting near .400 over the last week and… nothing.  It’s good to see him hitting, but he could steal some bases (23 steals last year in the minors).  Somebody put Hot Stuff on his feet.

Alfonso Soriano – Before I even say it, I regret it.  I So-rue-iano.  Yet, he did hit his 2nd homer in as many games yesterday.

Clayton Richard – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Hodgepadre!

Chase Headley – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer.  Truly a breakout year, which correlates to around 16 homers and a .265 average.  The mouth on the left side of the screen says, “Yawn.”  The mouth on the right side of the screen says, “stipating.”

Jose Valverde – Tigers are saying Valverde should be back by this weekend.  If you own Valverde, I’m not sure if that’s good news.  The Tigers are saying Benoit could see saves, but it might also go based on match-ups.  Benoit made me think of the WWF, which made me think of Words With Friends.  I’m surprised the World Wildlife Federation hasn’t made them change the name to Words With Pals or Words With Entertainment.

Austin Jackson – Left yesterday’s game with an abdominal strain.  He might get a precautionary MRI, and we know how well those turn out!

Carlos Quentin – Rehab assignment was shutdown as he needed a cortisone shot.  2008 called and said Carlos Quentin’s stats are being erased; they’re all lies.

Jason Bay – He’s about two weeks away from returning.  Yay.  Put the ‘Get Well Soon’ balloons on order.

Alex Presley – Has left the building.  He had the full-time job, but he Mr. Bungled it and is off to the minors.  Mr. Bungled it so bad the Pirates are turning to McLousy or Yamaico Navarro.  Navarro got the start yesterday and went 0-for-2, and was lifted for a pinch hitter.  In the minors, Navarro showed light power (10-ish homers) and light steals (12-ish).  He does have 3rd base eligibility in Yahoo and ESPN, but outside of leagues that only play Pirate players, I’d hold for now.  And in those leagues, who’s your 2nd draft pick?  Jose Tabata?  Do you reach for Hanrahan?

Brett Lawrie – Suspended only 4 games, but plans to appeal.  I’d love to hear the preliminary appeal discussion with his attorney.  Attorney talking to Lawrie, “We can either go with your frustration was stemming from the egregious strike calls made by Bill Miller.  Or we can go with a skinny guy in the front row was casting a shadow that made it look like there was a hat rack on the ground.”  Lawrie, “I think I can put a hashtag on that second reason.”  “Done and done!”

Colby Rasmus – 0-for-4 with 4 high fives to Bautista, Arencibia, Johnson and Encarnacion, who all homered.  I think Rasmus also worked in a fist pump to Thames, who doubled.

Kyle Drabek – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Yankees.  This is coming off a 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER effort vs. the Twins and 5 IP, 5 ER against the Angels, who just fired their hitting coach.  Kyle Drabek:  I Make Smart Money Look Stupid.

Wilson Betemit – 2-for-7 with his 6th homer.  Is Betemit available to teach Ryan Zimmerman how to hit?  Cause that would be helpful.

Omar Infante – 3-for-5 with two steals as he bats .336.  Omar’s coming yo!

Mike Minor – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Not sure if I’ve verbalized it, um, writing, but this Minor shizz has got to be off your team until further notice.  You know how they have obits written ahead of time for celebrities?  Atlanta reporters have the tweet “Mike Minors” ready to go.

Ubaldo Jimenez - 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks to lower his ERA to 5.09.  Matthew Berry likes him as a buy low.

Dustin Ackley – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  Hey, his bats finally got back from Japan!

Michael Saunders – 2-for-3 with his 5th steal, which he dedicated to his dad, the Colonel.

Melky Cabrera – Scratched with a sore left toe.  He’s day-to-day, or at least that’s what the aliens told me who read his mind despite his best efforts to stop them.

Corey Hart – 1-for-3 with his 8th homer.  Surprised to see him in some comments as a guy people can pick up.  I’m assuming these leagues are shallow, but, as they said in 14th century China, assuming makes an ass outta of you and Ming.  To answer, yeah, he should be owned, especially now because he usually goes on tears.

Brian Dozier – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in four games, while hitting .286.  Okay, I’m talking him up solely because I dropped Cozart for Dozier.  Hopefully, things stay rozier.

Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-5 with his 2nd homer.  The Eskimos have a name for the sound of crap hitting the toilet water, it’s Plouffe.

Justin Morneau – He was activated from the DL and went 1-for-5.  It’s like he never left!

Ryan Doumit – To the DL for three weeks with a strained calf.  What an odd thing to find in a colander.

Josh Willingham – 3-for-5, 2 runs and 1 RBI as the Twins scored 11 runs.   My fact checking monkey tells me the Twins didn’t carry over this whole year’s worth of runs.

Felix Hernandez – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER vs. the Indians.  F-Her, you should be embarrassed.  Luckily, I didn’t use the thesaurus for synonyms for embarrassed.  The Native American Anti-Defamation League has enough to deal with.

Bud Norris – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I think he might be the unofficial winner of the most comments on whether or not people should pick him up.  Yeah, this Bud’s for you.

Carlos Lee – 3-for-4 with his 3rd homer, now hitting near .400 over the last week.  Ugh, first Alfonso Soriano, now Carlos Lee.  Kick me in the ass and call me Murray Chass.

Andy Dirks – 3-for-4, 2 runs and 1 RBI.  Hitting .370 out of the 2 hole.  Plouffe!

Eric Hosmer – 0-for-7.  Maybe he can work the count into something favorable then they can put in Mitch Maier.

Felipe Paulino – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  He’s kinda put together three solid starts (his 2nd one vs. the White Sox was a bit of bad luck).  His K-rate has always been solid, but his walk rate losses sight of the strike zone sometimes.  So far, he’s been in control.  The 1-something ERA won’t stay there, but he could be what you thought you were getting from Filthy Sanchez this year (not what you actually got).

Krispie Young – Hit a grand slam in his rehab game.  It was shirts vs. I sold my shirt for blow.  *checking notes*  Nope, different type of rehab.

Albert Pujols – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer to tie Gordon Beckham for 217th best in baseball!

Adam LaRoche – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer.  LaRoche has 29 RBIs and is hitting .339.  Yesterday, Hosmer pooped twice.

Wilson Ramos – Going for ACL surgery in 2-3 weeks and won’t be back this year.  Bernie Williams, “I’d love to play my guitar at the opening of the ACL!”

Ian Desmond – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer.  He’s hitting around .330 over the last week with 2 steals.  Shine on you crazy Desmond!

Henry Rodriguez – Got the save yesterday even after Desmond E’d a guy onto base.  HanK-Rod still mowed them down, showing no signs of his recent failings.  I realized something watching him.  He’s Charlie Sheen in Major League (or real life).  His stuff is insane, and he can’t control it.

Michael Morse – Made throws yesterday for the first time in several weeks.  He said, “I haven’t been throwing, so it was kind of like a monkey riding a bike.”  That sounds awesome!  I wanna see him throwing through flaming hula hoops while balancing on a seal’s nose!  Please!

David Robertson to the DL for three weeks with a left oblique strain.  2009 was the Year of the Oblique, then there was the Middle Infieluenza Outbreak of Twenty-Ten, and 2011 was a war between General Soreness and Major Discomfort.  This year is The Closepocalypse.  If you’re a closer and gonna go to the DL, at least get your make-believe plague right. (Oh no, I Can Haz Razzburger has taken over the site!!!  Guys and four girl readers, picture the earth is a lolzpop, then this is The Closepocalypse.  My apologies, but our advertisers asked if I could bring in more of the teenaged Asian girl demographic.)  So Rafael Soriano will continue to get saves.  I wouldn’t assume the Yankeensteins will just go to Robertson when he’s healthy, so it’s imperative and other serious-sounding words to grab Soriano.  Bee tee dubya, it’s crazy how much Soriano sounds like Sanrio, right?  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brett Lawrie – Got two marginal-to-bad strike calls on him and went DRUNK HULK on the ump.  DRUNK HULK WISH UMP BAD THINGS LIKE HAVE TO TEACH FIELDING TO EDWIN ENCARNACION.  I hope the fact that Lawrie was right about the lousy calls gives him solace when he gets his 5-10 game suspension.

Freddie Freeman – Day-to-day with corneal abrasion.  I always thought corneal abrasion was being constipated after you ate corn.  Eh, what do I know?

Kevin Youkilis – On Wednesday, he will begin a minor league assignment.  That assignment is to re-injure himself so Middlebrooks can keep playing.  If he fails, Middlebrooks will be back in the minors in a week.

Josh Beckett – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Nothing kills the inspiration for country song writing like a start vs. the Mariners.

Alfonso Soriano – Ended his HR drought on his 116th AB.  He’s also at 1 SB.  He went from 40/40 to probably 40 in 10 years.

Bryan LaHair – 1-for-4 with his 10th homer.  *phone rings*  “This is Grey.”  “LaHair  LaHere.  Sell this!”  *dial tone*

Chris Heisey – Has now started three games in a row and is 6 for his last 7.  In mixed leagues, it’s still wait and see right now, but he’s got a nice bat if Dusty would stop chewing on his toothpick long enough to let him play.

Johnny Cueto – 4 IP, 5 ER and his ERA is still 1.89.  Ridiculous.  I wouldn’t freak out just yet, ERAs aren’t meant to be that low.  Lance Lynn, “Shh!”

Matt Carpenter – 1-for-4 with his third homer as Berkman sat out sore.  Well, at least I didn’t have to talk about Craig’s three hits.  D’oh!

Jon Jay – Onto the DL with shoulder soreness.  Carlos Beltran and Lance Berkman can shift over to CF if the Cards schedule all home games in 2007.  Short of that, it’s going to be a blahtoon of Skip Schumacker and Shane “Reggie Cleveland All-Star” Robinson in CF.  If you don’t have the DL room, feel free to drop Jay in shallow leagues.

Jason Motte – 1 IP, 1 ER as he blew his 2nd save, but Dolis returned volley with a run, so Motte got the win.  With The Closepocalypse, it’s a wonder some games ever end.

Bartolo Colon – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Oh, no, Bartolo needs another collagen injection!  FWIWuertz, there should be a DRUNK BARTOLO Twitter account.

Cliff Lee – Pitched 8 innings of one run, 10 K ball against the Astros, but he still couldn’t earn his 1st win of the year because of a blown save by Chad Qualls.  Really?  Chad Qualls?  Fine, Papelbon needs a breather now and then but that’s the 2nd best option in the Phillies’ pen?  Ruben Amaro is tugging on something and it ain’t no McGraw.

Hunter Pence – 3-for-5 with his 8th and 9th homers, raising his RBIs to 25.  You can set your watch by Pence’s stats, and right now it’s 9:25.

Vance Worley – Scratched due to a sore arm.  If it’s sore, stop scratching!

Mike Moustakas – Hit his 5th homer yesterday.  Go, go, go, go, go, go, go…  It’s Greek Lightning!

Colby Lewis – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  We talk a bit about Colby later today in our podcast.  You can hardly wait.  No, you!

Scott Van Slyke – 0-for-4 as he got the start in the Dodgers’ outfield (and in the three hole), and will continue (to start in the outfield) while Kemp’s on the DL.  In Triple-A this year, he had 8 homers and a .336 average, showing solid plate discipline, but that was in the PCL.  Van Slyke looks like a ‘just okay’ grab for NL-Only leagues if you’re an outfielder down.  I will say this, he’s a much better fielder than Bobby Bonilla’s son.

Jake Peavy – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Cruised through 5 innings against the tough Tiger lineup, then got blasted for six in the 6th.  Ventura should’ve pulled him before he gave up the 3rd/4th/5th runs on a homer to Ryan friggin’ Raburn.  I think Ventura went to pull him out and Peavy’s southern drawl reminded him of Nolan Ryan and he wanted him to suffer.

Travis Ishikawa – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.  Eh, he’s nothing but a deep NL-Only flyer. Does that make sensei?  See, he is Sucky-san.

Jose Valverde – Left yesterday’s game with back stiffness that isn’t supposed to be serious.  Too bad, I was hoping for a reason why he’s been so terrible all year.  Octavio Dotel ended up saving the game after allowing two runs to be tacked onto Valverde’s line.  Thanks, friend!  I grabbed Benoit then dropped him immediately for Dotel.  My figuring is Dotel has a bit more closer experience.  He’s cagey!  It could easily be Benoit who sees saves too.  If anyone knows exactly which closer will be used while Valverde is on the mend, Dotel!

Max Scherzer – 4 IP, 5 ER.  You know how they’re doing that dopey MLB cave thing where they take a bunch of fans and subject them to every inning of every game like it’s Clockwork Orange?  I have a spinoff for MLB.  Tell one guy, while he’s been cooped up in the fan cave for the last two months, the entire west coast was wiped out due to an earthquake.  Then compare that heart rate with his when he owns both Scherzer and Gallardo in fantasy.

Anthony Bass – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  This comes two starts after he gave up 6 ER to Miami, so I’d grab Bass, but get ready to throw him back.

Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks with his first win, but second quality start in a row.  By Josh, I think he’s got it!  Sorry, that’s terrible.

Omar Infante – 4-for-5, 1 run and 2 RBIs.  Okay, I’d trade you Zack Cozart for Infante right now.  Can we make that happen?

Bryce Harper – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  On the bright side, ESPN’s 24 hour Harper news cycle has a 2nd highlight.

Stephen Strasburg – 4 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The sub-par start was due to him being bothered by the ointment, Hot Stuff, in his groin area.  Now when he’s pitching well, Nats fans can yell, “It’s da bomb!” and when he’s pitching poorly, they can yell, “It’s da balm!”

Ervin Santana – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Pitchers like Ervin should have their own category.  They’re not Hodgepadres.  They’re not Marginers.  They’re mixed league starters that are must-starts against weaker offenses, then you pray in other starts.  Maybe you suggest a glossary term in the comments.

Albert Pujols – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs.  And just like that he’s hitting .212!  Yeah, that’s still not so good.

Mike Trout – 3-for-4, 3 runs and a slam (3) and legs (3).  Maybe he can have a half of a blurb on the ticker right when ESPN HARPER is going to commercial.

Adam Jones – 2-for-3, 2 runs and also a slam (11) and legs (6).  Let’s play a little game.  Who’s higher on the Razzball Player Rater?  Ryan Braun or Jones?  Bruce or Jones?

Wei-Yin Chen – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Lowered his ERA to 2.45 but unless I lowered my standards (see what I did there?) I wouldn’t pick him up in a mixed league.

Elliot Johnson – 2-for-4, I’m not going to point out again that he’s hot but I will point out that I’m not pointing out that he’s hot.

Alex Cobb – Sounds like he could take Niemann’s spot in the rotation.  He didn’t exactly shine last year in his call-up (6+ K/9, 3.90 xFIP), but in the minors he was able to push his K-rate towards 9 with decent ratios.  In AL-Only leagues, I’d grab him if you need to *pinkie to mouth* Cobble together some pitching.  And that was corny on the Cobb.  I’m on a roll!  Literally, it’s pumpernickel.

Derek Lowe – 9 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners, 0 Ks vs. Twins.  It was throwback day at Target Field.  Derek Lowe pitched like it was 2002, and the Twins hit like it was the Dead Ball Era.

Michael Brantley – 2-for-4 with a steal.  Now hitting around .350 in the last week with one steal.  Well, it’s better than batting .150 with nothing.  Hey, Hosmer!

Shin Soo-Choo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 2nd homer.  He was Soo-Overdue.

A.J. Pierzynski – 5-for-5. 3 RBIs, 2 runs with 4 singles and a double.  Solid year for A.J. (.288, 24 RBIs is 4 more than Konerko) although I keep thinking he’s on Arizona.  That’s A.J. Pollock which is really close depending on how you pronounce it.

Yoenis Cespedes – Cleared for all baseball activities except hitting.  Cool, he can spit and grab himself now.

Manny Ramirez – Billy Beane knows that the Johnny Gomes show isn’t going to do too well in summer re-runs so get ready for May 30th when Manny brings his brand of zany mediocrity to Oakland’s part-time DH slot.  His show is called, “Once Too Manny” with Jerry Blevins as The Bleaver.

“Just because we share some organs doesn’t mean you can’t hit 2 two-run homers for each of us!”  Josh Hamilton had a night that makes you feel like you’re seven years old again.  You remember it.  When the birds chirped, it made you smile.  When your dad carried you on his shoulders, you were on top of the world.  When you peed the bed, no one tried to commit you to rehab.  People pinched your cheeks without you having to pay some stranger on Craigslist $75.  You’d throw a pebble into the lake without worrying if you hit someone in the head and blinded them if your insurance would cover it.  A time of joy.  Wonder.  No Splenda.  That’s what Josh Hamilton did for us last night.  And he also gave his stupid fantasy owners 4 friggin’ homers, going 5-for-5 with 4 runs and 8 RBIs.  Why don’t I have him on every team?!  I would not try and sell him high because if he stays healthy (it doesn’t have to be that remote of a chance, you cynical bastard), you have an MVP.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Adrian Beltre – 2-for-5 with a homer.  Pfft, wake me when you hit three more!

Scott Downs – Angels say Downs will be ready to return by Wednesday.  The Sciosciapath still considers him their closer.  Downs goes Frieri!  Downs goes Frieri!  Yeah, worked better when he was on the Blue Jays with Frasor.

Chris Sale – Last week, Ventura anointed Sale the closer.  So…he brought him into the 8th inning yesterday.  Plausible explanation:  He wanted his best reliever in a close game.  Also, plausible:  Sale is not the closer.  Also, plausible:  After all of those Nolan Ryan noogies, Robin Ventura doesn’t know how many innings there are in a game.  Addison Reed got the save with another perfect inning.  He could easily be the closer…Or Santiago…Or Sale.  It’s basically a closerf**k.

Dale Thayer – Literally, within five minutes of me dropping Cashner and picking up Thayer, he was blowing the game.  You still don’t believe The Closepocalypse is real?  He got lucky on a foul ball by Scutaro that was nearly a homer and another ball hit a baserunner.  I’m holding Thayer for now, but I wouldn’t be surprised if someone else closed the next Padres game.

Josh Thole – Mets placed him on the 7-day DL with a concussion.  Hey, I’m no doctor, but from what I’ve gleamed from five minutes of noodling around WebMD and watching how other players have reacted to concussions.  Are we sure the DL for concussions should be less time than the norm?

Jon Rauch – Got the save yesterday.  One small step for Rauch and one giant step for men over six-ten.  Francisco had worked the last three days, so this save for Rauch just shows the pecking order behind Francisco and some flashy neck tattoos.  “Yo, I’m gonna peacock my neck!”  That’s Rauch after reading up on pick-up artistry.

Dan Haren – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER vs. the Twins?  This doubled the amount of runs the Twins scored in all previous games combined.  I don’t want to keep pointing out the same thing, but Rudy said in the preseason this would be the year Haren falls apart.  So far, Haren’s ERA is 4.19.

Scott Diamond – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  In the box score, it said S. Diamond and I thought Selma Diamond pitched 17 years after her death.  She had sass, but not that much, I guess.

Ryan Doumit – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  I believe I said in the preseason that Doumit would be more valuable than Mauer this year.  And that’s me kinda paraphrasing me!

Albert Pujols – 0-for-4 to lower his average to .190.  This isn’t just bad for Albert; this stinks for all Pujolses.

David Robertson – Got the save yesterday as if there was any doubt.  I’d put his over/under for saves at 32.  Over/under for Ks at 110.  And over/under for times A-Rod checks out his package at 17.

Raul Ibanez – 2-for-3 with his 4th and 5th homers.  Seems like the Yankees have been benching him against lefties, which will hurt his overall numbers.  And being 40-something.  That’ll hurt those numbers too.

Andy Pettitte – Will start vs. the M’s on Sunday.  He’s been anything but outstanding during his tune up.  Bernie Williams, “Did someone say they want me to tune up the guitar?”  No, Bernie.  Against the M’s is a solid matchup, but unless things are really hard for you I wouldn’t Pettitte, even though it usually works the opposite way.

Randall Delgado – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  After his last start (8 IP, 2 ER), I said I’d watch him this start.  Well, I didn’t because I was doing the podcast that is coming later today with anutter special guest.  But the box score is telling me, you should pick up Delgado in all leagues deeper than 14 team mixed and possibly even shallower, depending on your starter shituation.  He’s only 22 years old and he could have a 9+ K-rate.  Yes, I basically love all Braves young pitchers, but they’re an easy group to love.

Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He obviously should be owned everywhere.  His ERA won’t stay at 1.02, but he does get solid Ks and can have a mid-3 ERA.

Omar Infante – Hit his 6th homer yesterday.  Dah!  Just when Stanton finally passed him.

Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks to lower his ERA to 2.01.  Are we waiting until October to thank me for pushing everyone into drafting this guy?

Aneury Rodriguez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  His minor league numbers are pretty blehtastic and if you pick him up he may give you an aneurysm.

Will Middlebrooks – Left yesterday’s game with hamstring tightness.  As of right now, Middlebrooks looks like he might miss a day or two.  This comes just hours after the Red Sox announced they were considering using Middlebrooks in the outfield.  They’re also considering just using Youkilis as a ticket taker at Gate E.

Daniel Bard – 7 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Outside of AL-Only leagues, I’m kinda surprised people still own him.

Yoenis Cespedes – Was a late scratch because of his wrist.  Sounds itchy!

Carlos Beltran – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs and two homers, or more homers in one game than Pujols has all year, and nearly more RBIs.  Beltran is The Great Zombino!

Ian Kennedy – 7 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Seriously, don’t mess with the 1927 Cardinals.

Carlos Marmol – Dale Sveum said Marmol may not get the job back.  But he has a 12+ walk rate, doesn’t that count for something?!  I could see dropping Marmol in most leagues.  He was dropped in my RCL and an NL-Only league and no one’s going near him.  I would grab Dolis or Russell, in that order.  (Or reverse order if you’re dyslexic.)

Miguel Tejada – The Orioles signed him.  It was part of a deal Dan Duquette made with the devil:  The Orioles can be in first place at the 1/6th point of the season, but then you must make transactions that make you look silly.

Yovani Gallardo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  As I’ve been saying to people, Gallardo had a 6.23 ERA last April and you still drafted him this year as your top starter.  We’re in May now and he just threw a solid game vs. a tough hitting team.  By August, you will have forgotten he was miserable in April, and then by next April you’ll be frustrated again when he’s wretched.

Ryan Zimmerman – He returned from the DL to go 1-for-4 with a run.  Right back at, huh, Ryan?

Henry Rodriguez – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  For a guy you got off of waivers, he’s still doing okay.  Don’t pull the rip cord on him yet.

A.J. Burnett – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, which comes on the heels of a 2 2/3 IP, 12 ER outing.  You know what he’s doing, right?  Here, “Ooh, I’m gonna pick up Burnett.”  BAM, awful outing!  “Eff that in the eff hole, I’m dropping his ass.”  BOOM, good outing!  He’s totally messing with you.

Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-3 with his 1st homer.  The Dread Pirate finally makes his nickname about his hair again.

Francisco Cordero – 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Move your small children and closers away from the windows!  The Closepocalypse is coming through!  Blue Jays might go to Jason Frasor for the next save chance, but, let’s just say, I didn’t run to the wire to pick him up.  Darren Oliver is another option, but, yeah, didn’t pick him up either.

Ryan Vogelsong – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K as Vogelsong plays that sweet doctor’s office music I talked about last week.  Won’t excite you for good or bad, which is sometimes what you need.

Jarrod Parker – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA is at 1.80.  I’m being serious when I say this, but in any leagues of 12 team mixed or shallower, there’s no reason to have a team ERA over 3.50.

Josh Reddick – 1-for-3 with his 6th homer.  Think this is the first time I’ve mentioned him, or if you’re feeling punchy, it’s Reddick’s bow.  Hard for me to get fully behind A’s hitters, but he now has 4 homers in the last ten games.

J.J. Hardy – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer to raise his average to .244.  Meanwhile, Nick Markakis also homered, going 3-for-5 to raise his average to .246.  Member when Markakis was really good?  Makes you nostalgikis.

Alex Avila – Will miss at least two games with a sore patella.  My pharmacist’s name is Patella.  I don’t think they’re related.

Casey Blake – Retired yesterday.  In remembrance of Casey Blake, let’s not forget the time he painted a table to look like a soccer ball and Manny kicked it and missed a week with a sore toe.

The Yankees got bested by the team that gave Adam Jones away in a chump trade.  I mean, yikes with a side of damn.  I could even see adding seven a’s into that damn for good measure.  Michael Pineda is done for the year with a torn labrum, which only sounds like an injury that a female gymnast would get.  Mariners threw him for 340 innings in 2011 and then traded him to the Yankees for their best prospect.  Hey, Yankees, say hello to your mother for me!  Pineda sounds like he’s done for the year.  This is good for teams that drafted him, but had an “Only one Pineda per team” clause.  For all other teams that drafted him this isn’t good news.  Drop him like a hot Pineda.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Zimmerman – He’s gonna try to hit on Thursday.  I kinda hope it goes badly, and I own him.  Here’s the scenario I see happening if it goes well:  He returns on Friday, reinjures himself and then really needs 15 days from Saturday.  At least if his hitting session goes poorly, the Nats can backdate his DL stint.  Yes, I’m hopeful for a DL stint.  Yes, I’m Googling his address so I can have a “word” with him.

Jim Johnson – Headed for more tests as the doctors try to figure out what’s wrong with him.  “His peripherals look terrible, but he has so many saves.  Hey, why are we looking at box scores on an X-ray light box?”  That was the doctors after the first round of tests.  Pedro Strop is the pick up for the time being.  Hopefully, Strop isn’t short for closetastrophe.

Shin-Soo Choo – Sat on the bench last night as Shin-Soo Healthy, Hamstring-Soo Not.

Ike Davis – Dropped to 7th in the order, which is terrible for his value.  This was only surprising to me because, no matter how bad Davis has been, for the life of me I couldn’t think of six hitters better than Davis in the Mets lineup.  Hairston?  Tejada?  Really, Seth Myers?

Lorenzo Cain – Had a setback with his groin.  Pain…Sugar!  Sounds like he’s not coming back for at least another week.

Sergio Santos – Out for at least 4 weeks.  Could easily lose Santos until July.  That’s just me being real with you.  See, the truth is, everyone wants to know how many saves Cordero is gonna get or what closers I’m still cool with.  Cordero could get more saves than Santos this year.  If Cordero’s unowned in your league, then your league’s abandoned.  Makes me wonder why you’re reading this, but love your dedication.

Carl Crawford – Headed to Dr. Freeze with a sore elbow.  Looks like Crawford found a new joint to stink up.  Anyone know if Carl has to be with me if I go to City Hall and have his last name changed to Crawful?  No word on how long he’s going to be out, but I’m sure Dr. Freeze will find something to sideline him at least two months.  We shall see.  Or not.  Your choice.

Pedro Alvarez – 3-for-8, 2 RBIs, 2 runs as he hit two homers and a double in the doubleheader.  I told you 18 months ago that he was gonna break out!  Excuse me if I’m just too cutting edge for you.

Aubrey Huff – To the DL with an anxiety disorder.  At least someone is feeling guilty about taking Brandon Belt’s playing time.  Aubrey just needs some good male bonding time with his old college teammate, Pat Burrell.  “Anxiety’s just another name for you need to get laid more.”  That’s Pat Burrell’s motto.

Juan Nicasio – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks as he battled James McDonald, who threw seven innings of 1 hit ball with 8 Ks and 3 walks.  Even though this game and their seasons so far tell the opposite story, I like Nicasio better than McDonald.  As a commenter said the other day, maybe it’s because Juan’s last name makes me think of my grade school watch calculator.  In the end, I wouldn’t say either are necessarily must-starts in shallower mixed leagues.

Jhoulys Chacin – 5 IP, 5 ER vs. the Pirates.  Still holding him after I told you to drop him the first week of the season?  How’s that working out for you?

Corey Hart – 2-for-3 with his sixth homer.  SIX HOMERS, WHO KNEW?  Well, Al Caps, Corey Hart owners maybe.  His family–  I WAS BEING RHETORICAL.

Carlos Gomez – 2-for-5, batting .371.  I’d say he’s a hot schmotato, but the Brewers aren’t playing him anywhere close to every day.

Jose Altuve – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI.  Rudy’s poster child is having a nice breakout as he bats .377 on the year.  Oh, and I was using the alternate definition of “poster child.”  Rudy literally dresses his child in Altuve posters. Rudy also talked about him in this week’s podcast (you know, the one where Corbin Bernsen was a guest).

David Freese – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer.  You know how someone punts 3rd base in your league and gets lucky with one of their flyers?  Whoever drafted Freese looks like that guy this year.

Lance Lynn – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 1.33.  Yeah, I told you to pick him up before the season even started, but I don’t need another notch in my belt; I’m skinny.

Bryan LaHair – 1-for-4 with a solo homer.  Did you know I have French ancestry and my family name was once LaBright?  Totally not a true story.  I own LaHair (above my LaLip) in an NL-Only league and he’s fighting it out with my cougar for my love.  The LaHairness is racing for mixed league value, and I’d want to be the one to own him.

Trevor Cahill – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER which comes after a 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER effort.  Can’t wait for his next 5 IP, 4 ER start.  I keed with your fantasy feelings.  In most leagues, I’d try to hold onto Cahill; I think he’ll be better and he only has a 3.70 ERA; it’s not like he’s Scherzer’ing all over your team.

Jarrod Parker – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  How was that debut?  How about sparkerling?  Yes, I’d pick him up.  Yes, in your league too.  I just went over my Jarrod Parker fantasy the other day.  I wrote it while sitting on top of a crescent moon with an umbrella drink.

Alex Liddi – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Being the one major leaguer that was born in Italy has its drawbacks for Liddi, after a base hit in the sixth, he peered across the diamond to his third base coach giving signs and thought he was flipping him off.

Jason Hammel – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Has close to a K/IP, a 1.00 WHIP and a 1.73 ERA.  I’m officially on board, but there’s one problem.  Or caveat if you’re Latin.  His next start is in the House They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built.  I want no part of that start.  So if your league is a bunch of vultures, grab Hammel now and bench him.  If you think you can get Hammel even if he pitches well at New York, then let him sit on waivers for a week.

Kyle Drabek – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I’ve said to pick him up for, like, three straight weeks.  I’m moving on now.  You do what you do, I’ll do what I do and we’ll let our probation officers figure out the rest.

Chris Sale – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I like Parker this much, but I like Sale this much.  I was holding my arms further apart for Sale.

Hector Santiago – 1/3 IP, 3 ER, giving up a homer to the Cuban raftee, Yoenis.  What the H. Santiago?  About two weeks ago, I said Santiago wouldn’t make it out of April with the closer job.  Well, his ERA is 8.53 and literally everyone in their bullpen is better.  I mean, no shizz here, everyone.  I think Reed will end up getting saves at some point, but Thornton’s been solid and he has that ever elusive closer experience gene that MIT is currently trying to grow in a Petri dish for the Red Sox.  If I had to guess, and that’s what I’m doing at this point, I’d pick up Thornton first.  If he’s gone, I’d speculate on Reed.  If Reed’s gone, make me a Denver omelet.  Oh, well.  I tried.

Omar Infante – 2-for-4 with his 5th home run.  Infante has as many homers as Stanton has RBIs.  FMFBBL!

Billy Butler – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  This was the first time he heard “what a pair” and didn’t blush.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Ubaldo won the award yesterday for the most fantasy owners looking to drop him.  I think it might be the right move too.  I’m tilting in that direction.  I would put him on my bench in most leagues and see what he does next time out.

Angel Pagan – 1-for-5 with a home run.  He has 17 hits in 17 games played.  Mr. Obvious, “He’s averaging one hit every game.”  He also has two homers in the last 5 games.  I’m not saying he’s a hot schmotato yet, but he’s on the brink of it.  Right now, he’s been in the microwave for eight minutes and he’s still a bit too solid when you stick a fork in him.

Brennan Boesch – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in 3 games.  Pick him up immediately!  Seriously, don’t make me explain it to you.  If he was dropped, grab him.  Now.

C.J. Wilson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks.  I think I got some funny looks by ranking Wilson as high as I did in the preseason, but I’d take him over Haren at this point.  Yeah, I said it.

Vernon Wells – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer as he bats .239.  If he hits two more homers by next week and raises his average to .260 (which would only really take, like, two 3-for-4 games), I’m gonna mention how I told you to draft him in the preseason.  If he doesn’t do one of those two things, we’ll once again go back to never mentioning that I ever suggested you draft him.  Hey, at least I’m honest with you about my hedging.  Bee tee dubya, he has 4 more homers than Stanton.  I’m crying right now, please look away.  Hey, my tears are wiping Stanton’s name off my Trapper Keeper.  What does that mean?  I wish I had a pint of ice cream and… Why isn’t Lifetime playing Bride Wars!?