Paul Konerko went 5-for-5 yesterday with his 31st homer. Paul Konerko is also winning your league for you. You had your back up against the wall. You took Hanley in the first round, Halladay in the 2nd and then you hit the 20th round and you were like, “Hmm… I totally screwed myself by not taking a 1st baseman. Do I take that guy on the Marlins with a girl’s name or should I take Konerko?” When you took Konerko, you figured you would need to trade for someone. Whoa, what’s this? Konerko’s hitting? “Hey, baby, you’re eating dinner by yourself tonight. Paul Konerko due up sixth this inning, according to Fantasycast. Now please don’t come into my man cave.” When you go to the White Sox Fantasy Camp in seven years, you can tell him how he won your league for you while ruining your marriage. These late round fliers in drafts are always so maddening. If I would’ve just took Konerko instead of Stupid-Face Headley. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mark Buehrle – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. His season ERA is down to 3.87 and 12 wins is pretty good, but that’s now 8 Ks in 28 IP for August. Is there a less aptly-surnamed player in the game? Seems like Mark Crafty or Mark Wiley would be better names. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Almost a 11 K/9 in the minors is, uh, Mike Minor. He major, Kanye. I hope Roberto Kelly doesn’t come back to visit the Braves because when R. Kelly sees a minor, urine trouble! So should you play some Gary Glitter if you’re lusting after this Minor? In 118 2/3 IP this year, he has 144 Ks and 44 walks. Hello, beautiful. Want me to continue? Of course you do. You’re greedy. In Triple-A through five starts, his ERA is 1.99 while rocking a .171 BAA. He probably only has around 7 starts left in his arm this year before the Braves shut him down, but that’s all right, no one has many starts left. Minor’s a must grab in NL-Only and keepers. In mixed leagues, I’d grab him for his first start vs. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Alberto Callaspo was traded to the Angels. Exactly what the Angels needed, a light hitting infielder. Oh, wait, no they don’t. Why’d they get Callaspo? To get Mel Gibson to be interested in the team? Oh, wait, that was Apocalypto. Anyone see that movie? I like the part where Mel’s like, “I will slap the taste out of your mouth, Pocohontas! So help me, I will rip your neck off! Even if I have to go through a number of metal rings.” Callaspo will help the Angels more than he’ll help fantasy teams. He is what he is. Light power, decent average, next-to-no speed. The Royals will go with Wilson Betemit at third base. Why are they not going with Mike Moustakas or Alex Gordon? Because for whatever reason the Royals are punishing them. If you can figure out the peasant Royals, you get a cookie. I actually like Betemit if he’s the everyday 3rd baseman. He has 4 homers and a .377 average in 61 ABs this year. As for “Of Maicer Men,” I think Callaspo is more Lennie than George. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
David DeJesus – Slammed into the outfield wall when DeJesus was turning a Jeter out into a homer. He’s listed as day-to-day, which is trade deadline code for “Please still trade us someone for DeJesus, he’s really, really healthy.” In reality, he’ll probably be out for a while. So, while Betemit might replace Callaspo, here’s a chance for Gordon to see some daylight. We’ll see now how much sense the Royals make. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Here’s some 2nd half hitters for fantasy baseball who should be better than they were in the first half. To come up with this list, I scoured the last three years of post-All-Star Break numbers, ran it through a supercomputer that’s bigger than your Peugeot, pasted the supercomputer-generated names to my shirt like dollar bills on a wedding dress then went to a palm reader to help me pick ten names out of the thousands. The palm reader’s name was Erica Karabell. Anyway, here’s the best 2nd half fantasy baseball hitters for 2010:
Derrek Lee – Last year, he played the 2nd half like he was walking onto a yacht with an apricot scarf. I think last year was an anomaly, which is a fancy word for saying ignore Derrek Lee’s 2nd half. But if you’re choosing between the schmohawk behind door #3 and Lee, then I’d go with Lee just for the chance he can repeat even a tiny bit of last year, so that’s negating the negation. Please, blog, may I have some more?
On short rest, Randy Wells went five innings, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. Oh, and I’m drunk. Don’t know what that has to do with anything, but I thought you should know for the following. I love Randy Wells! There, I said it. He’s striking out hitters and keeping walks to a minimum. His FIP is saying he’s been unlucky, even if he was outpitched by Ohlendorf. Will the person with the license plate “O Da Dorf,” please move their car? Hmm… Maybe I should sleep off my buzz before doing the roundup? Nah…If Hemingway can write The Sun Also Rises drunk, I can write a roundup. The EL Camino with the license plate “O Da Dorf” is parked on the front lawn with its engine running. We’re gonna have to ask you to move that… Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Andrew Cashner – The Cubs called him up. Stephen literally just went over him in a Scouting the Unknown. You heard stick and move. Try click and skim. Please, blog, may I have some more?
The other drafternoon I took part in my Fantasy Razzball draft where the object is to field the worst team possible. This team isn’t just bad. Nah, I outdid even myself this time. On a scale of one to ten, they’re a negative seven. I did the math! Somehow I managed to get a team where not one hitter projects for more than twelve home runs. If someone in the Royals brass gets wind of my drafting skills, I may get a job! If you think I’m being facetious (which was recently outlawed in Madagascar), shame on you. And shame on this team! My co-conspirators in this were:
Chet G., Fantasy Football Please, blog, may I have some more?
Andy B., Yahoo!
After the top 20 outfielders for 2010 fantasy baseball, guess what we have here? The top 40 outfielders for 2010 fantasy baseball. That’s right, Wonderful just gave birth to Awesome. Wanna hear something even awesomier? I’m going to turn this to 60 then 80. Hopefully I don’t blow my amp. The hardest part about writing these 2010 fantasy baseball rankings posts is writing this opening. Trying to make the clerical stuff sound less clerical, ya know? Actually, when I point it out, it gets more clerical. As with other rankings, where I see tiers beginning and ending are mentioned along with my projections. Anyway, here’s the top 40 outfielders for 2010 fantasy baseball:
20. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Gone over the catchers, 1st basemen, 2nd basemen, shortstops and 3rd basemen. Guess what’s next! The title might have gave it away. With the top 20 outfielders a pattern emerges. Steroids can be tested for, but Red Bull can’t. It was the summer of speed and somewhere Ron LeFlore smiles. Since outfield is a deep position, I think I’m going to turn this one to 40. Those will be here on Thursday. Anyway, here’s the top 20 outfielders for 2009 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:
1. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Nyjer Morgan was back in the lineup to steal two bases in the first inning, then he left with a broken hand. Bunt, go feet first and get back in there! One of my ‘pert teams was pulling too far away in power, so last week I made a trade for steals and saves. Two categories I usually just play the waiver wire for, but in a 16 team league, it’s slim pickins. I traded Prince Fielder for Heath Bell and Nyjer Morgan. Stab me in my eye! Shove hot coals in my pants! Hot poker my heart! I still won’t miss Prince, but Nyjer’s broken hand… Well, I’d like to write on Nyjer’s cast, “Amputate,” as you should be doing with him on your teams. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Tim Hudson – He’ll be returning on Monday to face the Marlins. The good news, he gets a decent 2 start week next week. The bad news, he wasn’t exactly lights out in rehab. The moderate news, he’s worth a flier in 12 team leagues where you need an extra starter. Just don’t expect him to be anything more than 5 IP, 3 ER. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Roy Oswalt pulled something in his back and is presumably headed to the DL. The bad news here is he was supposedly a 2nd half pitcher in some people’s minds, though my mind wasn’t yet made up. It’s a guy’s prerogative to change his mind, or just not make it up at all. As someone who has struggled with lower back pain for most of his adult life… Oh, who am I kidding? I’m fit as a fiddle. I once dwarf bowled a 170. (Of course, he helped by kicking over that 7-10 split.) Wait, what was I saying? Oh, yeah! Oswalt. Yeah, he’s off to see a back specialist, the Astros are calling up Bud Norris, hopefully related to Chuck. Bud Norris might sound familiar to some of youse. Why? Cause I just said his name in the previous sentence. Hello, Mr. Please, blog, may I have some more?