Fantasy Baseball Advice

Did you know that Vapors song, Turning Japanese, is about masturbation?  Because when said act is done, a man squints, hence turning Japanese.  Things that are offensive aren’t always racist, but, in this case, they are.  Too bad The Vapors follow up single, “When I Really Have To Pee, I Dance Like A Cherokee” never climbed the charts.  So this morning, Selig, on advice from his toupee, is taking the greatest day, Opening Day, and putting it up against infomercials and a three hour loop of the Emergency Broadcast Network.  Why the hell is Opening Day at 3:05 AM Pacific Standard Time, you ask.  Because Selig is a f*cking idiot.  That asterisk is a U, by the way.  In case that wasn’t clear.  Way to excite the next generation of baseball fans.  Take Opening Day 6,000 miles west and have the two worst teams play.  Could we not get the Padres to play the Washington Generals in Cape Horn?  Anyway, for fantasy baseball, pick up anyone who may play, especially in H2H leagues.  They’re all fair game.  If I were you, I’d focus on the hitters.  From what I’ve read, Japanese ballparks are smaller…. They’re definitely smaller than O.co and Safeco.  I already grabbed Smoak in one league.  If I saw Pennington and I had room, I’d get me some.  Kurt Suzuki?  What the hey!  Seth Smith?  Do it!  Mike Carp, or as the Japanese say “Mike Sashimi,” grab him!  Middle relievers or the starters for the 2nd game, Vargas and Colon, are fair game, too.  Don’t drop anyone that is obviously valuable for your team just for a two game series that you can’t even watch because it’s four hours before dawn on the West Coast!  But I’ll take any leg up on my competition because, remember, a leg up on the competition means you’re urinating on them.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Justin Smoak – Did he hit a home run this morning?  I hope so, but I’m writing this prior to 3 AM Pacific Standard Time so I have no clue.  Once again, eff Bud Selig.

Mat Latos – Left yesterday’s start with a mild calf strain.  Latos said, “I don’t know the layman’s terms of what’s going on but I’m fine.”  Isn’t that layman’s terms?  Latos said he’d make his next scheduled start.  I own Latos all over the place this year, and I’m not concerned.  It’s not an arm injury; he should be fine, or however they say it in layman’s terms.  Dusty’s Toothpick said, “Dusty and I plan on stretching Latos’s calf out on a medieval rack.  He’ll be good as new,” then Dusty’s Toothpick stroked his white cat.

Sean Marshall – Dusty is saying that he might choose to go with the dreaded closerousel, right after I went over all of the fantasy baseball closers.  Actually, I think this is a non-story.  The only thing that could happen is Marshall falters in April and someone else steps up.  Otherwise, Dusty will be all over Sean Marshall like Russell Brand was all over Sarah Marshall.

Lonnie Chisenhall – Optioned to the minors.  Well, my last round grab in one league is already gone as the Indians went with Jack Hannahan.  Maybe he threatened them with a liger.

Miguel Cabrera – Team doctors cleared him to get back to action and he should be fine for Opening Day.  This is a happy day for Miggy owners.  Miggy, “Is a happy day like a happy hour for twenty-four straight hours?”

Marlon Byrd – Nats and Braves have expressed interest.  They are going for Marlon Byrd after striking out in signing his more talented brothers, Damon and Keenen Ivory Byrd.

Nolan Arenado - Casey Blake did not make the club with them opting for a blahtoon of Chris Nelson and Jordan Pacheco until Nolan Arenado is ready.  This is surprising to me.  Just yesterday I put up the 2012 fantasy baseball rookies post and left off Nolan Arenado because I didn’t think he had a legitimate chance for good playing time this year before midseason, but now I’m thinking we might see him as early as June 1st.  If you’re not familiar with Nolan Arenado (BTW, his name only sounds right to me when you say the whole thing like Bobby Fischer or Mr. T), he won the AFL MVP (My acronyms got awards, snitches!).  AFL line was .388/.423/.636 in 121 ABs with 6 homers to go along with his 2011 minor league line of .298/.349/.487 and 20 homers and 122 RBIs in 517 ABs.  His minor league numbers were actually put up in a park that reduces home run numbers too.  Now that I’ve tempted you by the fruit of his booms get a load of this –>  He’s a 3rd baseman who will be playing his home games in Coors Field!  Hello, beautiful, it’s good to see you.  You are so not Ian Stewart.  That flake.  See, Nolan Arenado doesn’t strike out like a Donkey, Mini, Mini Mini or otherwise.  He walks.  He walks, you sexy beast!  Also, screw you, Garrett Atkins!  Go back to being a subject of the TV show, Whatever Happened to Garrett Atkins?  Something that wasn’t mentioned during my effusiveness (that’s a real word! (I think)) is those minor league numbers were in High-A.  He needs to see Double-A pitching, unless he’s a cyborg and he kills all pitching like Reggie wanted to kill the Queen.  In redraft leagues for right now, it’s too early to pick him up or draft him, but, what can I say, Rockies get me excited or exited if C’s scare you because of too many games of Words With Friends.  Now in keepers or dynasty leagues, I’d make sure to grab him later on for cheap when you’re filling out your bench.

Jordan Pacheco – Hey, his name sounds familiar… Oh, I just mentioned him.  Yeah, he’s in the Rockies 3rd base blahtoon.  He’s not much to talk about right now — so why do I keep talking about him?!  Well, he has catcher eligibility in some leagues, so those in deep 2 catcher leagues, he could be a play.

Nolan Reimold – Blue Jays recently inquired about Reimold.  I guess six outfielders/DHs isn’t enough.  Maybe Reimold can keep company with my other post-hype-I-keep-calling-him-a-sleeper-but-when-is-it-happening Travis Snider.

Jerry Sands – Dodgers sent him packing to the minors, opting for Juan Rivera.  The last time a Rivera replaced a Sands, they needed six bulldozers and permission from Bugsy Siegel.  Colletti was probably enamored with Rivera’s one good month last year, which was a Mirage.  I think it’ll turn out for everyone that this is a no Wynn.

Elvis Andrus – Left yesterday’s game with a tight hip.  Rangers said he’d be fine by Thursday.  Or, he’s too hip to be impaired, if you’re into Huey Lewis.

Scott Podsednik – Looking like a better bet to get a roster spot than Juan Pierre.  He’s hitting .362 and yesterday he homered off the bench.  I wonder who was pitching for the ball to go into the dugout so he could homer off the bench.  Is Oliver Perez back in baseball?

Brent Morel – Hit a homer yesterday, which is whatever, but I just wanted to remind people about my Brent Morel sleeper post.  I wrote it while washing my undercarriage.

Curtis Granderson – Was scratched with elbow soreness.  I’m usually scratched with elbow itchiness.  The Yankees don’t seem concerned, but they are sending him for an MRI.  For those that didn’t listen to my Curtis Granderson overrated post, prepare for me to be gleeful if his injury is serious.

Wade Davis – Will head to the bullpen with Jeff Niemann going into the 5th starter spot.  I’m not a fan of either guy, so this is whatever for fantasy, but I did notice an interesting resemblance with Jeff Niemann and this guy.

Mike Aviles – Red Sox announced he would be their starting shortstop.  No surprise here; they just made it official by optioning down Iglesias, who would be a non-factor anyway for 12-team leagues unless you count UZR as a statistic.

Jack Cust – Released by the Astros.  When pressed for comment, Jack cussed.  He was a three outcome pickup – awful starter, mediocre bench pickup, or preseason cut.  Cust kayin’.

Even if you draft one or two outfielders in the top 100 (which you should), you’ll still need to identify some late bargains.   The top 20, 40, 60 and 80 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball can be found under the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings.  This is by no means all the outfielders I’d draft for one of my teams.  This is a list of guys that will go after the top 200 and could provide some healthy returns.  Where applicable, click on the player’s name to read more about them and to see their 2012 projections.  Anyway, here’s some outfielders to target for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Bryce Harper – More of a keeper pick.  Not yet a stud, but should be a stud for many years to come, assuming the league doesn’t disallow every home run he hits because of too much pine tar under his eyes.

Brandon Belt – Bruce Bochy’s big head + Belt’s playing time = Suzanne Somers.  Hmm, my math is probably off there.  If Belt gets 500 ABs, he could be a top 50 player.  I’m not even playing.  Not even half playing.  Or a quarter.

Colby Rasmus – Wow, I have Rasmus way earlier in my rankings than he’s being drafted.  Like way way earlier.  Actually, that might be way way way earlier.  It’s early, let’s leave it at that.  So I’m drafting Rasmus this year, now the question is will I hate his guts by May or love him?

Mike Trout – Before their Pujols’ acquisition, the Angels were less bloated, though it sounds like the opposite should be true.  If you click that Trout-linkie-ma-who, it’s a whole post dedicated to Trout pre-Pujols.  Yeah, things get dated like raps about al-Qaeda.  If you want to know why I think you should still take a last round flyer on Trout, read the Harper post but find and replace his name with Trout.

Alex Rios – Yes, I wrote an Alex Rios sleeper post.  It kinda makes me chuckle every time I think about how lame that is.  It’s such a move ESPN would pull.  Next up, Todd Helton… Huge sleeper!  Eh, what do you want?  I’m lame, deal with it or move on dot org.  Before you do that though, remember a guy going after 200 overall that could give you 20/20 isn’t as terrible as you might think, even if you kinda want to abandon your team right after drafting him.

Lorenzo Cain – Finally, it’s his turn to run down the white lines.  Cain… Sugar!  Melky is rejected, Royals are corrected… Gordons, Crows and Butlers are thoroughly respected… The revenue gets divided… Bill James gets excited… Now Glass ain’t broke and it’s no joke… It’s hard as hell to fight it, Royals are contenders?  Don’t buy it!  Freeze!  Rock!  Raines!  Cain’s drafted a little higher, baby… A little higher, baby…

Delmon Young – Maybe it’s the whole too many times I’ve been burned thing, but I trust Delmon Young about as far as I can throw him, which is nowhere near as far as he can throw a bat.

Dexter Fowler – He’s very fast, but his stolen base percentage makes me think he’s a stoned teenager.  Dude, where’s 2nd base?

Jason Bourgeois – He doesn’t have a starting job right now, but he’s a must own if you need steals because he will see at bats – though Bourgeois resents the implication that ‘owning’ him means he’s part of the proletariat.  You’ve been Marxed!

Tony Campana – What’s the take away from this outfielders to target post?  There are lots of cheap steals.  SAGNOF!

Jose Tabata – For those who keep clicking on the names and going to the top 60 outfielders post and keep wondering why I didn’t just say look at the top 60 outfielders post, I hear ya.

Yonder Alonso – For the next time you’re playing “Would you rather” here’s a good one.  Would you rather Yonder get everyday playing time for the Padres or 350 ABs for the Reds?  BTW, that’s assuming you’re playing “Would you rather” and there’s no girls within 100 feet.

Dayan Viciedo -  Could he breakout and have a huge year?  Sure, but he’d also have to have a BABIP over .350 and a HR/FB over 20%.  A cliché that doesn’t exist that I just made up right now says, “Possible and probable only share a few letters.”

Alex Presley – These outfielders are in no particular order.  If they were in order with the best guy first, Presley would be on top.  (Or maybe last if I were to build suspense until the top guy.  Anyhoo!)  I kinda want Presley on all of my teams.  After someone drafts Victorino, tell them you’re gonna take him too, only 10 rounds later in the form of Presley.  Only tell them with your inner monologue so no one else hears you and drafts Presley first.

Nolan Reimold – Now if these were in order and Reimold had 550 ABs coming his way, then he’d be on the top of the list.  I think the O’s have Endy Chavez, Wilson Betemit and Chris Davis in their potential everyday lineup because they want to be contracted.  How about the Astros and Orioles combine forces?  The O’stros?  Anyone?

Chris Heisey – Now if Heisey was guaranteed everyday playing time, didn’t play for Dusty and Reimold was still without a starting job, Heisey would be on the top of my list (if these were in order and I started with the top guy first.  This isn’t getting confusing, is it?  No?  Good!)

Carlos Gomez – Haven’t mentioned him anywhere this offseason.  That’s just plain wrong!  No, actually it’s not.  He’s terrible.  He sucks, at ya know, baseball.  If the ex-Marlin, I-can’t-hit-so-I’ll-bunt-and-take-PEDs Alex Sanchez had a twin sister and they had a baby together, it would be Carlos Gomez.  Gomez could steal 30 bases if he can get 400 ABs.  Remember, Corey Hart is already hurt and Nyjer Mogan is one thorough psychological evaluation away from ending up in a mental asylum.

With more outfielders than random hairs growing from my grandfather’s ear, we take it to the top 60 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  And, just like your grandfather’s ear hair, a lot of these guys are gross.  I don’t know what happened to the outfielders, they just went and got ugly.  You look at Ryan Braun like he ruined your childhood by taking a performance-enhancing drug, but at least he’s trying to put some offense back into the modern-era of baseball.  Now someone start manufacturing aluminum bats painted to look like a wooden bat.  Thank you.  As with the other 2012 fantasy baseball rankings, where tiers start and stop are mentioned and my projections.  Anyway, here’s the top 60 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball:

41. Carlos Beltran – This tier started in the top 40 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball and ends at Ichiro.  I called this tier, “Vets that I’m either lukewarm about or slightly more than lukewarm about.  Read the temperature gauge.”  If you get 140 games from Beltran, then you’re going to get a solid 3rd outfielder.  But if that “if” had hips it would drop it like it’s hot and never get up again.  On a side note, how awesome would it be if during Spring Training, the Cards have a split squad game and Wainwright throws Beltran nothing but knee-buckling curves?  2012 Projections:  65/18/80/.275/7

42. Nick Swisher – I’m not super excited about Swisher when I look at his ground ball rate going up and his fly ball rate going down, but I do like his side burns.  If Luke Perry were a ballplayer and I were Jennie Garth and we both hated Shannen Doherty then… Well, I have no idea where this is going so I’ll stop now.  2012 Projections:  80/25/90/.270

43. Carlos Quentin – A guy that has 30 homer power + Injuries + Petco = Death + Breathing.  2012 Projections:  60/22/75/.250/3

44. Ichiro Suzuki – I was telling people to avoid Ichiro for years and it seems like the public perception of him has finally caught up to my reality.  To incorrectly quote Drake’s lyrics, “Ichiro has faded way too long, he’s floatin’ in and out of public consciousness.”  Crazy for me to say, but I think Ichiro is slightly undervalued now.  Is he that different than Brett Gardner?  Yeah, maybe a tad.  Fielders sic Ichiro’s choppers and his gams aren’t what they were, but he doesn’t look done done, just maybe medium done.  2012 Projections:  80/6/40/.310/30

45. Jose Tabata – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Fowler.  I call this tier, “At least two of these guys will break out and shoot up the rankings for 2013.”  Even in his tizzerible 2011 season, Tabata still was on pace for 25+ steals if he got in a full season.  Also, he hit 4 homers.  Is he going to be a 15/40 guy?  Nah, not likely.  But 7/30 with a solid average and runs is… Okay, you know what I’m most worried about.  How am I gonna find players I’m excited about for the top 80 outfielder post?  Seriously, the entire top 80 outfielder post might be just one giant tier of guys I don’t like since I’m only at the 45th ranked outfielder and I’m hardly building much enthusiasm.  This is an issue.  Okay, enough negativism.  Tabata is one of my best bets to shoot up the rankings from this tier.  He has some power, steals bases and isn’t an average drain.  2012 Projections:  90/7/50/.285/30

46. Austin Jackson – Jackson is basically Tabata with the possibility of an average drain.  Jackson’s K-rate is tizzerible so he’ll need to luck into an average over .260.  With Fielder inserted into the Tigers lineup, opposing pitchers will have to attack the first two hitters in the Tigers lineup.  Keep that in mind when you read Boesch’s blurb, I may or may not repeat it.  You’ll have to wait and see!  2012 Projections:  100/9/50/.260/27

47. Delmon Young – Let’s see what Young has going for him.  1) He was good after his trade to the Tigers. 2) He’s out of Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome.  3) He’s still only 26 years old.  4) There’s no 4.  5) He can fling a bat at an ump better than most.  Now, let’s see what he has going against him.  1) 4 of 5 seasons in the majors have been yawnstipating.  2) Blimpotence. 3) A hideous walk rate. 4) Still no 4.  5) He can fling a bat at an ump better than most.  2012 Projections:  70/17/80/.285/3

48. Cameron Maybin – Some may say that Maybin already broke out last year, so why is he so low on my rankings?  Some may be right, but you want to rely on Padres hitters?  Yeah, me neither.  Put Maybin on the Rockies and I’d have him in the top 25 outfielders.  2012 Projections:  75/7/35/.255/30

49. Lorenzo Cain – From this tier, Cain has the most upside, but he also has the most downside.  I mean, he’s gonna be 26 years old and he’s still yet to break into the majors.  Capricorns are late bloomers, but Cain is an Aries so I have no New Agey reason why he’s looking like a career minor leaguer.  But if I needed to shoehorn in a New Agey reason… An Aries is a Ram, it’s quality is a Cardinal and it’s element is Fire.  So it seems like Cain should play for the St. Louis Cardinals with their fire-red uniforms, but his planet is Mars, which has “ram” in it backwards.  Now the opposite of fire-red is ice blue and if you face St. Louis behind you is Kansas City.  So this is his year!   As of right now, he’s set to play center in Kay Cee and bat leadoff.  The table has been set, now it’s up to Cain to step up to the plate.  2012 Projections:  80/8/50/.280/25

50. Lucas Duda – This is more of a general point for upside outfielders than specifically about Duda.  The lack of enthusiasm you hear in my typees as I write up these blurbs is that some of these upside outfielders are on the Pirates, Padres, Royals and Mets.  Um, yay?  I’m not a Mets hater as some have accused me of, but Metco has a well-warranted bad rep.  Maybe the fences coming in will change all of that and we’ll be calling for a humidor in Metco.  One can hope, I suppose.  2012 Projections:  75/20/85/.280/3 (<–optimistic and still kinda whatever)

51. Brennan Boesch – If Boesch gets in a whole season, he could get you 25 homers and 10 steals.  Assuming he doesn’t take a dump in the 2nd half of the year or get injured.  To summarize what I said about twelve words ago in Spanglish, sin dumpo o mal healtho, then bueno.  2012 Projections:  90/20/70/.270/7

52. Dexter Fowler – One year with the Rockies, he stole 27 bags.  One year in the minors, he hit 9 homers.  Mark him down as a sleeper and move on (without mentioning he was caught stealing nine times last year and only successful 12 times).  Hey, it took me saying Maybin was a sleeper for 3 years before he finally broke out, maybe this is Fowler’s time.  You know, even a broken clock is right twice a day.  That’s more than Matthew Berry.  2012 Projections:  90/7/50/.270/20

53. Jeff Francoeur – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Joyce.  I call this tier, “Price is too steep for guys coming off career years so I’m probably going to miss out on these schmohawks.”  22 steals last year while being caught 10 times is, how do they say it?  Terrible.  So put that back to the 5-7 steals that he’s actually good for and you have a guy that has worse plate discipline than someone on The Biggest Loser with the upside of Vernon Wells.  Yes, his ceiling is Vernon Wells.  Sorry for the shot of reality.  2012 Projections:  70/22/80/.260/7

54. Melky Cabrera – Another guy with the caught stealing percentage that could even turn Joe Morgan against the steal.  Can we please get Michael Lewis to write a Dayton Moore book?  Call it “No Moneyball.”  Chapter 1:  Willie Bloomquist, Chief Justice of the Supreme Crap.  Chapter 2:  Stealing — If At First You Don’t Succeed, Try and Try Again.  2012 Projections:  75/14/65/.270/15

55. Matt Joyce – He hit 12 homers in the first half with a May where he donged 7 dingers.  I loved him then.  It was like a shawl made of a giant mustache wrapped around both of our shoulders as we watched When Harry Met Sally in an outdoor screening in a park.  There’s a very outside chance I end up with Matt Joyce on a team or two this year if he goes for cheap enough.  I don’t think he comes close to his 2011, but if he can start the year hot again, then maybe you can get a couple months of production and flip him for a Brain Freeze.  2012 Projections: 55/17/65/.265/10

56. Brandon Belt – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the top 80 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  I call this tier, “You may get a top 20 outfielder from any of these guys.  Or a guy you want to drop by April 15th.”  I went over Brandon Belt’s projections in the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

57. Eric Thames – With a full season of at-bats, Thames stands to have a huge break out…Or he’ll hit 20 homers and .250.  Right now, he’s in the 2 hole — not that there’s anything wrong with being in the two hole — while Rasmus is in the 7 hole.  Heresy!   Blasphemy!  Other words in the thesaurus!  I imagine Rasmus and Thames will flip-flop by May at the latest, possibly as soon as Opening Day.  Either the hoo, we’re just talking about runs vs. RBIs…Or are we?!  Yeah, we probably are, but Thames may see better pitches in the two hole.  It’s worth noting, so I did.  Worth Noting, II:  The Return of Worth Noting, the Blue Jays have, like, a dozen outfielders.  I like Thames for power, which is also called hydroelectricity.  Al Gore invented that.  After the internet.  2012 Projections:  70/20/75/.255/5

58. Yonder Alonso – Went over my Alonso projections in the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

59. Nolan Reimold – I already went over my Nolan Reimold 2012 fantasy.  I wrote it prior to the O’s being boneheads and getting Betemit.  Play some Bruno Mars in the O’s front office and send in Tyler the Creator to kill everyone.  I think Reimold will still get his 500 ABs because Betemit will play some 3rd, isn’t an everyday player and Chris Davis is at 1st.  Only people that know how well Davis will do at 1st is your deity of choice and Bill James, which might be the same thing in some circles. (Which should not to be confused with Google Circles.  BTW, if Google+’s whole point was to see how fast people will abandon a social networking site, it’s a success.)  2012 Projections:  65/24/80/.250/10

60. Roger Bernadina – If I didn’t get burned by Bernadina last year, he might’ve showed up higher on these rankings.  Ooh, hold on, someone’s knocking on my door.  “Hey, it’s Excitement For Bernadina here.  I just moved into the building and wanted to say you shouldn’t give up hope on Bernadina.  He should be starting this year.”  Me, “The Nats sent Bernadina down last year and decided to start Brian Bixler.  If you know who Brian Bixler is, you’re related to him.”  Excitement For Bernadina, “I know, that was a tough blow.”  Me, “Blow?  Sending down Bernadina and starting Bixler was the equivalent of Bixler taking a bat and hitting Bernadina in the balls – assuming Bixler would actually make contact.”  Excitement For Bernadina, “I appreciate you, Grey Albright.  Please give Bernadina another chance.  Us Excitement For Bernadina’s have to stick together.  By the way, did you see a package from Amazon by my door?  It’s missing.”  Me, “Nope.”  2012 Projections:  55/10/65/.260/20

No, they don’t refer to these Nolan Reimold-types as being “Grey’s stubborn and unable to let go of past” sleepers.  No, I’m not just recycling posts from 2009.  Though how about that Garrett Atkins?!  These players are post-hype sleepers, y’all!  Catch the excitement!  Don’t worry, I won’t push Carlos Quentin on you.  Though he is reporting he’s fully healthy.  (I’m joking; Quentin is never fully healthy.  Padres might want to consider the Tijuana farmacias to cut back on Quentin’s overhead (and under-oblique. (Bee tee dubya, this is gonna be a challenge counting how many end parentheticals I’m gonna need. (A little help?)))) (Phew.)  I might’ve cooled on Nolan Reimold at some point last year (after pouring a Slurpee down my pants), but “if you really love something set it free” isn’t just for Hallmark cards.  It works just as well for fantasy baseball and rabid dogs.  So what can we expect of Nolan Reimold for 2012 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

In 267 ABs last year, he had 13 homers and 7 steals *whispering fast* while only hitting .247.  So he’s no young Ichiro Suzuki, as someone who doesn’t know baseball would call him.  I’m more interested in the homers and steals.  Neither is out of line for him.  He has sneaky 7-10 steal speed and his power knows no limits (<–total exaggeration).  His 13 homers in 267 ABs is just about in line with what he’s capable of.  His HR/FB of 14.8 doesn’t look obscene.  If he can get 500 ABs, and at the age of 28 he should, he could easily reach 25 homers.  With that, he’ll get some RBIs and a few less runs.  I’m going to be crazy optimistic and say in 500 ABs his line will be 65/24/80/.250/10.  To throw back at you a name previously mentioned, is that line that different from Carlos Quentin?  Not really.  It’s rare to find a guy that can hit for power and chuck in some steals.  Granted, it’s even rarer (is that a word? Who cares!) that Reimold actually hits for power and chucks in some steals.  I get it; he’s disappointed in the past.  This is a trust exercise; fall into Reimold’s arms one more time.

Alex Gordon and Jeff Francoeur were shut down for the year because the peasant Royals want to give Lorenzo Cain and Jarrod Dyson a full three days to show their worth.  Gordon’s line this year was 101/23/87/.303/17.  Terrific!  Wonderful!  Tonderific!  But if you peak under the hood, things aren’t as they seem.  His BABIP is .358, easily a career high in the majors.  His walk rate and line drive rate dropped from last year, and his ground ball rate nudged up.  His homers and speed look about right, but if luck goes against him those two categories could get affected.  He’s probably much closer to a .280 hitter with 17-20 homers and 12-15 steals.  With just a tad bad luck, he becomes a fifteen homer guy with 10 steals and a .265 average.  That’s far from spectacular.  That’s spectaculess.  I just made that up; you like it?  You use it.  As for Frenchy, his line was 77/20/87/.285/22.  Oh, well, that looks pretty normal– Wait a second, 22 steals?!  Where the eff in the effhole did those come from?  His previous high was 8.  He always failed to take pitches like he needed some ADHD medicine, but now he’s running the bases like it too.  “Sorry, first base coach, whatever your name is, can’t stay at 1st, gotta run, peace!”  That’s Frenchy, and he can’t even stop for a period at the end of sentences; he only has time for commas.  He’s always been a notorious bad ball hitter.  This year Frenchy swung at 41% of balls outside the strike zone, which is actually high for him, and his percentage of balls swung at inside the strike zone was actually down.  Only thing that changed this year, he made more contact with pitches outside of the strike zone.  If that stops along with his whacked out of his mind stealing, he may use 2012 to revert to his old ways, so it’ll be hard to give Frenchy my arrondissement.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into the roundup, I just wanted to announce a very good friend of mine is putting on a one man show in Los Angeles.  If you go see the play, you may just run into yours truly and my significant other — my mustache.  If you can’t make it to Los Angeles or if you’re in Los Angeles but afraid to leave your house, you can buy his book.  Anyway II, the roundup:

Hunter Pence – 3-for-5 with his 21st homer.  Hey, that homer can drink legally!  After Pence sat out for three games with a sore knee, it was good to see him return, unless you had him on your bench like I did.  Sonavabench!

Jacoby Ellsbury – Hit his 29th, 30th and 31st home runs yesterday.  For the Sox’s sake, it’s too bad he can’t pitch.

Francisco Liriano – 1/3 IP, 5 ER in middle relief.  How’d he go from one of the best arms in the game to mop up duty?  When Dr. James Andrews tells people 9 out of 10 pitchers agree with the good doctor, I think I know which one doesn’t agree.  “I feel like Bruno Mars’s forehead, big and empty!”  That’s Liriano talking through a translator.

Wilson Ramos – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in his last three starts.  I specify his last three starts, because the Nats have been sitting him every other game.  It’s really important to get at-bats for Pudge, whose nickname wasn’t always ironic, and Jesus Flores?  Rhetorical!

Stephen Strasburg – Nats announced he would have an innings limit next year.  The GM said that innings limit has been semi-calculated.  The equation he used was pretty straightforward:  A Reinjured Strasburg = No Job.

Wade Davis – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Nice end to what’s been a pretty terrible season.  His K-rate was atrocious and it wasn’t like he was getting unlucky with his 4.45 ERA.  Usually the third year a starter is in the majors is when their breakthrough comes, which next year will be for Davis, but I don’t have high hopes here.

Jason Bay – Didn’t play Sunday and was pulled from Saturday’s game because of illness.  Illness sounds like it should be managing the Mets.

Nolan Reimold – 2-for-4 with his fourth homer in the last ten games; also he’s hitting .300 over the last week.  He’s either hitting really well recently, or it’s an illusion to get people to draft him again next year.

Robert Andino – 1-for-2 with a steal.  After 136 games, he has 13 steals with 4 coming in the last week.  I don’t get that.  Did he just suddenly realize he’s fast?  Was he auditing a summer class from the University of Phoenix on base stealing and he just passed?  If you have speed, then run.

Brian Matusz – 5 IP, 6 ER.  On the year, he gave up 59 earned runs in… Guess how many innings.  Wait for it… Here it comes… Wait, where did I put it?… How did it end up in my glove compartment?  Anyway, in 49 2/3 innings.  That gives him the worst single-season ERA in MLB history (10.69).  On the bright side, for the record he beat Halladay’s 10.64 ERA of 2000.  Then again, Halladay was throwing with his left hand that season.

Grady Sizemore – Shut down for the year.  Backdate that to the moment his flash went off in front of a mirror.  Use any definition of the word flash you’d like.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Left Saturday’s game with an elbow contusion and didn’t play Sunday.  On a side note, I think Asdrubal should follow Ichiro’s lead and have just Asdrubal on his jersey.  Imagine parents taking their kids to a game and covering their eyes when they see Asdrubal.

Shelley Duncan – 2-for-3 with his 7th homer in September.  I feel sorry for all those that had to high-five him during his torrid month.  He’s always so intense.  Here’s him at a post-game press conference.

Felix Hernandez – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks and was pulled from the game after being hit by a comebacker.  Over the winter, I want a 500 word essay from him about what he did this summer that made me no longer love him.

Miguel Cabrera – Hit a homer in his third straight game, then left due to lightheadedness.  After the game, he said he prefers Amstel Light-headedness.

Matt Holliday – 2-for-7 over the weekend as he returned.  La Russa, wearing a jacket made from veggie burgers, said as long as Holliday’s healthy, he’s going to be out there.  Now it’s a judgment call whether you should play him.  I wouldn’t necessarily go back to him if I had options that were hitting.

Jose Bautista – After crashing into a wall, he stayed in the game for five innings only to then leave with a knee injury.  I think he should be fine.  My mom was right, I could’ve been a doctor.  “But, mom, there’s a whole lot more zeroes in blogging.  Though that’s not zeroes as in money.”

Brett Cecil -  3 1/3 IP, 4 ER and ends the year with a 4.73 ERA and 1.33 WHIP.  Somehow, I’ll find a way to make him seem attractive yet again next year; you just wait and see!

Carlos Gonzalez – As reported here first on Friday after inferring shizz from other sources, CarGo is done for the year.  As I said in the preseason, “He’s a bumps-and-bruises, miss-a-few-days-here-and-there type guy.  Those day-to-day things can turn into more.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 3-for-6, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.   Don’t mess with The ‘Noff.

Josh Willingham – 1-for-4 with his 28th homer.  I’d put $5 on The Other White Meat getting to 30 homers, if I were a betting man.  Okay, if I were a betting man on things I actually know and not just random rolls of a die.

Torii Hunter – 1-for-3 with a steal yesterday, and a homer on Friday and Saturday.  Not the same homer, that would be weird.

Vernon Wells – Slam & legs yesterday and 4 homers in the last 8 games.  You looking at his 25 homers and 9 steals on the year, “Hey, Vernon Wells had a good year?  Who knew?”  You looking at his average, “He hit .220?  Crimey a river, Justin Timberlake.”

Adrian Beltre – 3-for-4 with his 30th homer and 101st RBI while hitting .293.  I don’t get it, is he gonna try to renegotiate his contract?

Ian Kinsler – 3-for-4, 3 runs and a homer and two steals.  Totally just padding his stats to get to 30/30 and I love it.  This is why all players should have to own themselves in an H2H league with 50% of their contract in their fantasy league pot.  I wonder if the union will go for it.

Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games, and he’s 7 for his last 13.  Can you tell I don’t want the season to end?  This is like the longest roundup ever.  Bonifacio is hot, moving on…

Ricky Nolasco – 2 IP, 6 ER.  Ends the season with a 4.67 ERA.  Somehow, he’ll be hyped again next year by everyone but me.  “Hey, ESPN analcyst here, and I want you to look at Nolasco’s strikeout to walk ratio.  He’s awesome!”

Clayton Kershaw – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks and his 21st win to go along with his 2.28 ERA, 0.98 WHIP and 248 Ks.  Even with an injured knee, that had Ethier dancing.

Justin Upton – Left the game after being hit in the head by a Lincecum fastball.  Tests are showing no signs of a concussion.  Too bad.  I was hoping he’d return as Jason Bourne and bring down Justin Morneau for trying to kill my fantasy teams.