Fantasy Baseball Advice

With more outfielders than random hairs growing from my grandfather’s ear, we take it to the top 60 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  And, just like your grandfather’s ear hair, a lot of these guys are gross.  I don’t know what happened to the outfielders, they just went and got ugly.  You look at Ryan Braun like he ruined your childhood by taking a performance-enhancing drug, but at least he’s trying to put some offense back into the modern-era of baseball.  Now someone start manufacturing aluminum bats painted to look like a wooden bat.  Thank you.  As with the other 2012 fantasy baseball rankings, where tiers start and stop are mentioned and my projections.  Anyway, here’s the top 60 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball:

41. Carlos Beltran – This tier started in the top 40 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball and ends at Ichiro.  I called this tier, “Vets that I’m either lukewarm about or slightly more than lukewarm about.  Read the temperature gauge.”  If you get 140 games from Beltran, then you’re going to get a solid 3rd outfielder.  But if that “if” had hips it would drop it like it’s hot and never get up again.  On a side note, how awesome would it be if during Spring Training, the Cards have a split squad game and Wainwright throws Beltran nothing but knee-buckling curves?  2012 Projections:  65/18/80/.275/7

42. Nick Swisher – I’m not super excited about Swisher when I look at his ground ball rate going up and his fly ball rate going down, but I do like his side burns.  If Luke Perry were a ballplayer and I were Jennie Garth and we both hated Shannen Doherty then… Well, I have no idea where this is going so I’ll stop now.  2012 Projections:  80/25/90/.270

43. Carlos Quentin – A guy that has 30 homer power + Injuries + Petco = Death + Breathing.  2012 Projections:  60/22/75/.250/3

44. Ichiro Suzuki – I was telling people to avoid Ichiro for years and it seems like the public perception of him has finally caught up to my reality.  To incorrectly quote Drake’s lyrics, “Ichiro has faded way too long, he’s floatin’ in and out of public consciousness.”  Crazy for me to say, but I think Ichiro is slightly undervalued now.  Is he that different than Brett Gardner?  Yeah, maybe a tad.  Fielders sic Ichiro’s choppers and his gams aren’t what they were, but he doesn’t look done done, just maybe medium done.  2012 Projections:  80/6/40/.310/30

45. Jose Tabata – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Fowler.  I call this tier, “At least two of these guys will break out and shoot up the rankings for 2013.”  Even in his tizzerible 2011 season, Tabata still was on pace for 25+ steals if he got in a full season.  Also, he hit 4 homers.  Is he going to be a 15/40 guy?  Nah, not likely.  But 7/30 with a solid average and runs is… Okay, you know what I’m most worried about.  How am I gonna find players I’m excited about for the top 80 outfielder post?  Seriously, the entire top 80 outfielder post might be just one giant tier of guys I don’t like since I’m only at the 45th ranked outfielder and I’m hardly building much enthusiasm.  This is an issue.  Okay, enough negativism.  Tabata is one of my best bets to shoot up the rankings from this tier.  He has some power, steals bases and isn’t an average drain.  2012 Projections:  90/7/50/.285/30

46. Austin Jackson – Jackson is basically Tabata with the possibility of an average drain.  Jackson’s K-rate is tizzerible so he’ll need to luck into an average over .260.  With Fielder inserted into the Tigers lineup, opposing pitchers will have to attack the first two hitters in the Tigers lineup.  Keep that in mind when you read Boesch’s blurb, I may or may not repeat it.  You’ll have to wait and see!  2012 Projections:  100/9/50/.260/27

47. Delmon Young – Let’s see what Young has going for him.  1) He was good after his trade to the Tigers. 2) He’s out of Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome.  3) He’s still only 26 years old.  4) There’s no 4.  5) He can fling a bat at an ump better than most.  Now, let’s see what he has going against him.  1) 4 of 5 seasons in the majors have been yawnstipating.  2) Blimpotence. 3) A hideous walk rate. 4) Still no 4.  5) He can fling a bat at an ump better than most.  2012 Projections:  70/17/80/.285/3

48. Cameron Maybin – Some may say that Maybin already broke out last year, so why is he so low on my rankings?  Some may be right, but you want to rely on Padres hitters?  Yeah, me neither.  Put Maybin on the Rockies and I’d have him in the top 25 outfielders.  2012 Projections:  75/7/35/.255/30

49. Lorenzo Cain – From this tier, Cain has the most upside, but he also has the most downside.  I mean, he’s gonna be 26 years old and he’s still yet to break into the majors.  Capricorns are late bloomers, but Cain is an Aries so I have no New Agey reason why he’s looking like a career minor leaguer.  But if I needed to shoehorn in a New Agey reason… An Aries is a Ram, it’s quality is a Cardinal and it’s element is Fire.  So it seems like Cain should play for the St. Louis Cardinals with their fire-red uniforms, but his planet is Mars, which has “ram” in it backwards.  Now the opposite of fire-red is ice blue and if you face St. Louis behind you is Kansas City.  So this is his year!   As of right now, he’s set to play center in Kay Cee and bat leadoff.  The table has been set, now it’s up to Cain to step up to the plate.  2012 Projections:  80/8/50/.280/25

50. Lucas Duda – This is more of a general point for upside outfielders than specifically about Duda.  The lack of enthusiasm you hear in my typees as I write up these blurbs is that some of these upside outfielders are on the Pirates, Padres, Royals and Mets.  Um, yay?  I’m not a Mets hater as some have accused me of, but Metco has a well-warranted bad rep.  Maybe the fences coming in will change all of that and we’ll be calling for a humidor in Metco.  One can hope, I suppose.  2012 Projections:  75/20/85/.280/3 (<–optimistic and still kinda whatever)

51. Brennan Boesch – If Boesch gets in a whole season, he could get you 25 homers and 10 steals.  Assuming he doesn’t take a dump in the 2nd half of the year or get injured.  To summarize what I said about twelve words ago in Spanglish, sin dumpo o mal healtho, then bueno.  2012 Projections:  90/20/70/.270/7

52. Dexter Fowler – One year with the Rockies, he stole 27 bags.  One year in the minors, he hit 9 homers.  Mark him down as a sleeper and move on (without mentioning he was caught stealing nine times last year and only successful 12 times).  Hey, it took me saying Maybin was a sleeper for 3 years before he finally broke out, maybe this is Fowler’s time.  You know, even a broken clock is right twice a day.  That’s more than Matthew Berry.  2012 Projections:  90/7/50/.270/20

53. Jeff Francoeur – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Joyce.  I call this tier, “Price is too steep for guys coming off career years so I’m probably going to miss out on these schmohawks.”  22 steals last year while being caught 10 times is, how do they say it?  Terrible.  So put that back to the 5-7 steals that he’s actually good for and you have a guy that has worse plate discipline than someone on The Biggest Loser with the upside of Vernon Wells.  Yes, his ceiling is Vernon Wells.  Sorry for the shot of reality.  2012 Projections:  70/22/80/.260/7

54. Melky Cabrera – Another guy with the caught stealing percentage that could even turn Joe Morgan against the steal.  Can we please get Michael Lewis to write a Dayton Moore book?  Call it “No Moneyball.”  Chapter 1:  Willie Bloomquist, Chief Justice of the Supreme Crap.  Chapter 2:  Stealing — If At First You Don’t Succeed, Try and Try Again.  2012 Projections:  75/14/65/.270/15

55. Matt Joyce – He hit 12 homers in the first half with a May where he donged 7 dingers.  I loved him then.  It was like a shawl made of a giant mustache wrapped around both of our shoulders as we watched When Harry Met Sally in an outdoor screening in a park.  There’s a very outside chance I end up with Matt Joyce on a team or two this year if he goes for cheap enough.  I don’t think he comes close to his 2011, but if he can start the year hot again, then maybe you can get a couple months of production and flip him for a Brain Freeze.  2012 Projections: 55/17/65/.265/10

56. Brandon Belt – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the top 80 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  I call this tier, “You may get a top 20 outfielder from any of these guys.  Or a guy you want to drop by April 15th.”  I went over Brandon Belt’s projections in the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

57. Eric Thames – With a full season of at-bats, Thames stands to have a huge break out…Or he’ll hit 20 homers and .250.  Right now, he’s in the 2 hole — not that there’s anything wrong with being in the two hole — while Rasmus is in the 7 hole.  Heresy!   Blasphemy!  Other words in the thesaurus!  I imagine Rasmus and Thames will flip-flop by May at the latest, possibly as soon as Opening Day.  Either the hoo, we’re just talking about runs vs. RBIs…Or are we?!  Yeah, we probably are, but Thames may see better pitches in the two hole.  It’s worth noting, so I did.  Worth Noting, II:  The Return of Worth Noting, the Blue Jays have, like, a dozen outfielders.  I like Thames for power, which is also called hydroelectricity.  Al Gore invented that.  After the internet.  2012 Projections:  70/20/75/.255/5

58. Yonder Alonso – Went over my Alonso projections in the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

59. Nolan Reimold – I already went over my Nolan Reimold 2012 fantasy.  I wrote it prior to the O’s being boneheads and getting Betemit.  Play some Bruno Mars in the O’s front office and send in Tyler the Creator to kill everyone.  I think Reimold will still get his 500 ABs because Betemit will play some 3rd, isn’t an everyday player and Chris Davis is at 1st.  Only people that know how well Davis will do at 1st is your deity of choice and Bill James, which might be the same thing in some circles. (Which should not to be confused with Google Circles.  BTW, if Google+’s whole point was to see how fast people will abandon a social networking site, it’s a success.)  2012 Projections:  65/24/80/.250/10

60. Roger Bernadina – If I didn’t get burned by Bernadina last year, he might’ve showed up higher on these rankings.  Ooh, hold on, someone’s knocking on my door.  “Hey, it’s Excitement For Bernadina here.  I just moved into the building and wanted to say you shouldn’t give up hope on Bernadina.  He should be starting this year.”  Me, “The Nats sent Bernadina down last year and decided to start Brian Bixler.  If you know who Brian Bixler is, you’re related to him.”  Excitement For Bernadina, “I know, that was a tough blow.”  Me, “Blow?  Sending down Bernadina and starting Bixler was the equivalent of Bixler taking a bat and hitting Bernadina in the balls – assuming Bixler would actually make contact.”  Excitement For Bernadina, “I appreciate you, Grey Albright.  Please give Bernadina another chance.  Us Excitement For Bernadina’s have to stick together.  By the way, did you see a package from Amazon by my door?  It’s missing.”  Me, “Nope.”  2012 Projections:  55/10/65/.260/20

2011 was supposed to be a big year for Shin-Soo Choo — he was coming off his 2nd straight 20-20 season, his looming military service requirement to the Korean government was in the rearview mirror and he was just entering his prime age. Many (including yours truly) predicted a true breakout, and drafted him as an OF1. The statline that ensued packed about as much punch as Ralph Wiggum’s love life. Choo started the season in a horrendous slump before being caught for a DUI, and from there his slump spiraled out of control. Finally and mercifully his season hit rock bottom when a thumb injury sidelined him for a long period of time. Hailing from a culture that holds honor and duty in very high esteem, it would be foolish to say that the distraction of the DUI was not at least partly to blame for his first half struggles.

The story takes a positive turn after that, as Choo successfully and uneventfully rehabbed from his injury and returned in the second half.  The results were enough to remind owners of why they spent a high draft pick. He flexed his 20-20 skillset, hitting 3 homeruns and stealing 4 bags in August to go along with an otherworldly .348 batting average. This resurgence was ultimately cut short when Choo fell victim to “the year of the oblique,” straining the pesky muscle and ending his season prematurely. When evaluating Choo for early 2012 drafts, I find myself largely ignoring his abysmal first half 2011 and looking to that solid month of August. In doing so I am trusting that the problems were largely between the ears and that he put them in the past in the 2nd half and will be fine for this season. His ADP currently sits in the 70s, which is a pretty sizeable value for a true 5 category threat with a proven floor of production.

While we are on the subject of toolsy outfielders, I may be in the minority but I’m buying Carl Crawford this year. Yes, last year was about as ugly as it gets, and yes he still will probably be relegated to hitting in a less-than-advantageous spot in Boston’s lineup in 2012. These rather unsavory facts aside, I think a pretty convincing reason can be made to draft Crawford at his current ADP (mid-late 3rd round). At a glance his paltry 11 homeruns look bad, but consider that his career average for homeruns in a season sits somewhere around 15. Additionally, his 2011 ISO is actually HIGHER than his career ISO. Recall that you are NOT drafting Crawford for his power. You drafted him because he is a speedster that hits double digit home runs. He hit that power mark last year, and will continue to do that going forward.

Since power is not Crawford’s game the bigger issue was obviously his inexplicable drop in steals from 47 in 2010 to 18 in 2011. The aforementioned position in the lineup certainly played a part, as did nagging injuries, but in my opinion the largest single factor in this drop was his utilization. I really think that the Red Sox put the brakes on his game. This year, sweeping changes have been made to the Red Sox in both the front office and managerial positions. Since they have made such a huge investment in Crawford, they will really have no choice but to turn him loose going forward. This, coupled with an additional year getting used to the “pressure” environment in Boston, makes me bullish on Crawford this year.

Some more quick busts turned 2012 fantasy baseball value picks:

Nick Swisher – Still hitting in a bandbox in a great lineup. Yankees do not have better options anyway.

Kevin Youkilis – GGOW (Greek God of Walks) getting drafted in the 6th round at a weak 3B position? Yes, please.

Ike Davis – The latest casualty to the Mets’ training staff looks like a fine value at the end of drafts this year. Keeping with our Simpsons theme, pretty sure Dr. Nick could do a better job than the scrubs treating these injuries.

Brandon Belt – Maybe we were a year early on the hype train? At a round 15 price tag, I’ll pay to find out.

Andre Ethier – No, we haven’t forgotten about you. If your knee is finally right you might win some leagues as a flier OF3.

Jaime Garcia – Not really a “bust,” but HUGE home/road splits kept him from realizing true potential. Maybe he’s afraid of airplanes? Could be huge if he figures out how to pitch on the road.

Jose Tabata – Bloom is off the rose a bit with nagging injuries, but Shane Victorino upside hasn’t gone anywhere.

Adam Dunn – There’s not much more that can be said about his 2011. Hopefully it really was Ozzie Guillen that was the problem and he could go back to hitting 40 HRs for his fantasy owners. Still hits in a favorable environment.

In the second installment of the grading process, it’s helpful to look at those sleepers I, Albert Lang, just nearly missed on – basically guys who were a push. These are players who were almost successful sleepers picks but walked too many, gave up too many HRs or just swung and missed a ton.

Dan Uggla – This is the most miraculous push in the history of the world. After Uggla’s horrendous start to the season, he rebounded to bat .234 but with 35 HRs.

Jimmy Rollins – Consensus had Rollins as a top 5 option. Rollins is 6th at the position. However a bigger pre-draft split was where he should fall overall. I thought Rollins could push 15-20 HRs and 25-30 SBs, but rest on the low end of each. He had 14 HRs and 28 SBs. We also saw his average stay below .275. If you drafted Rollins in the top 50, you are probably somewhat disappointed.

Colby Rasmus – Rasmus was a tricky player to write about all year. I liked him, but the hype was a little ridiculous. While I would rather have Nick Swisher, I thought Rasmus was capable of hitting .260 with 20-25 HRs and 15 SBs. Petty squabbles in St. Louis and poor health have Rasmus at 14 HRs, five steals and a .235 average. I was clearly wrong on my projection.

Jason Bartlett – I thought Bartlett could get back to batting .275 (didn’t happen: .251), but I also thought he was a good bet to reach 20 – 30 SBs (he has 23). It’s a wash, but with how bad the SS position has been, he’s been a useful figure in 2011.

Nick Swisher – God it is disgusting how dirty good Brian Cashman is – he absolutely stole Swisher from Kenny Williams. Still, the entire fantasy community also seems to sleep on Swish, as he was the 33^rd consensus OF. Well, he is the 31^st OF, so they were closer in terms of ranking.

Gio Gonzalez – I had Gonzalez as the 42^nd best SP, consensus put him around 49, and he will end up about 46^th overall. So maybe I overvalued him…or maybe not.  I predicted a 4.00 ERA and 1.35 WHIP with 200 Ks. Right now, he has bested my ERA prediction (3.41 ERA) and come very close to meeting my WHIP prediction (1.37 WHIP). He has 177 Ks, so he’ll likely fall a tad short of 200.

Will Venable – While, technically, I had Venable ranked higher than most people, I still warned against the hype I saw building. Specifically, I said that his ceiling of a .320 OBP and the amount of balls he swings at out of the zone wouldn’t get him anywhere near the 30 steals he approached last season. Well, he currently sits at 26 – whoops. I did add in the caveat that we could see some weird things with the Padres this year, i.e., that in the absence of any real offense, their players would be running silly and that could artificially buoy Venable’s SB number. So, I was sort of correct in my Venable assessment.

Mark Reynolds – It’s so weird to be wrong about a known commodity. I had Reynolds buried on the draft board (22^nd 3b), whereas consensus had him a bit higher. I believed he was a .240 hitter with 35 HRs and 10 SBs. He has actually batted worse (.222) and has 36 HRs and just 6 SBs, but has come in as the 6^th best 3b for the year. What a dreadful position.

Edwin Jackson – Partly because he was born in Germany, partly because I believed in the Chicago White Sox pitching coaches, I thought Jackson would have a nice year. I expected an ERA in the 4.25-4.50 range with 170 Ks. He has fallen short of the Ks (he has just 146) but his ERA has been a nice surprise (3.85). Sure the WHIP is miserable, but he wasn’t that bad of a pitcher.

Chris Iannetta – I had Iannetta as a sleeper for the millionth year in a row, expecting a .250 hitter with 15 HRs (with upside as well). Well, Iannetta has batted just .236 this year but does have 13 HRs. He hasn’t helped at all down the stretch though and has really sputtered out. It would be nice if he batted anything other than eighth, but you have to play the cards you’re dealt.

With Nelson Cruz hitting the DL (I’ll get to that schmohawk), the Rangers called up Leonys Martin.  Martin could be a poor man’s Desmond Jennings, in other words he’ll be a 2nd ballot Hall of Famer, not 1st.  Martin has breezed through the minor leagues, starting in the Rookie league, jumping to Double-A and finally hitting Triple-A.  It’s called the “Julio Borbon-Endy Chavez-David Murphy Ain’t Doing Shizz From Shinola So We Need A Centerfielder” plan.  Martin has plus-plus speed.  Red Bull says Leonys gives them wings.  He could develop some power down the road, but I wouldn’t expect more than a homer or two with this call-up.  If you need speed in AL-Only or deeper keeper (hey, poet!) mixed leagues, I’d look at him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Nelson Cruz – Will be out for 3 weeks with his moans over his hammy.  Any Nostradumbass could’ve told you he’d be hurt at some point this year, but, seriously, this guy gets injured at least once every two months.  Let him play the field in a bubble.  He’s now getting a platelet-rich plasma injection to stimulant the healing process.  I think this was the same treatment they gave Caesar in Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

Adrian Beltre – The injury butterfly effect in Texas is supposed to get Beltre back on the field for Thursday.

Andre Ethier – 3-for-4 as he was back in the lineup on Monday.  He wasn’t going to play, but Colletti showed up at his house and saw a mannequin in Ethier’s bed with a stereo simulating snoring sounds.

Clayton Kershaw – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The Yaghan people, the indigenous inhabitants of Tierra del Fuego, have a word ‘mamihlapinatapai’ that means a desire shared by two people that neither will act on.  If you ever notice when Kershaw pitches, he’ll look into the camera ever-so-slightly.  He’s looking at me.  We got mamihlapinatapai.

Shin-Soo Choo – Gonna miss up to two weeks with his aggravated left side.  And I’m aggravated with him, so we’re even.

Justin Morneau – Out with a sore shoulder.  After thinking about Morneau’s season, listening to Bon Iver cheers me up.

Randy Wells – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Member when I loved Wells about a year or two ago?  Yeah, this start was what I wanted.  Way to make a guy wait.

Jason Motte – Reporting it here first after inferring from other sources, Motte will see some saves.  La Russa said, “You give guys what they earn, and they make the decisions for you.  Now please donate money to PETA.  I have bunnies to save.”

Jamie Moyer – Rehabbing in Clearwater, Florida hoping to be ready for the start of next season.  I’m assuming he’s talking about the 2012 World Bingo Tour.

Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks.  A triumphant return from a 15-day DL stint sans spirit fingers.  I figured Hamels would be fine since he was supposedly healthy last week, but the Phils aren’t pushing the issue with anyone.

Homer Bailey – 8 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the Phils.  Took steel nads (or stunods) to start him here, but it turned out okay.  I still don’t trust him.  Will work on my trust issues during the offseason just in time for him to screw me next year.  See, I haven’t worked on them yet.

R.A. Dickey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Dickey’s been H.A.M. for the last 8 starts.  Not many Ks, not crazy on the Wins, but solid ratios.

Alex White – 6 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Eh, if you’re rolling a Rockie rookie pitcher out there, you probably deserve this start.  Sorry, it’s Tough Love Grey!

Gaby Sanchez – 1-for-4 while hitting his/her first homer yesterday since July 23rd.  She/he could be getting hot, but we’ll need to see more before adding him/her because Jose Lopez has been stealing a lot of his/her playing time.

Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer.  Is it me or every time someone does something good on the Anaheim Really Isn’t That Close To Los Angeles Los Angeles Angels I expect the Sciociapath to bench him?

Max Scherzer – 3 IP, 7 ER.  To think Michael Chabon wasted a whole book about this guy.

Cameron Maybin – Returning to San Diego for an MRI.  I know they have MRIs in Los Angeles, so it worries me that he’s going to San Diego for an MRI, unless he’s just a victim of a bad HMO.

Nick Hundley – 2-for-4, hitting .413 in August with 2 homers and 5 RBIs.  So, in other words, he’s getting hits but not a whole lot else.  It’s a’ight.

Brandon McCarthy – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Has 93 Ks to 22 walks and a 1.21 WHIP in 133 2/3 innings.  Only drawback really is the A’s have about as much chance of wins as anyone going to see Moneyball besides baseball geeks.  You, “Hey, baby, I was thinking after Red Lobster we go see Moneyball?”  Your loved one, “Is that the one about Scott Hatteberg’s on base percentage?  I’d love to, sweetie!”   Yeah, that’s gonna happen.

Alex Gordon – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 19th homer.  At first I couldn’t understand why he’s been batting leadoff for the better part of the season, but I think I’ve figured it out.  The Royals are so afraid if they mess with Gordon in any way that he’ll revert to being a bust.  Kid Cudi with kid gloves, I kid you not.

Billy Butler – 1-for-4, but whatever.  This headline just writes the joke for you.

Salvador Perez – 3-for-4 with his first homer.  Royals have committed to playing Perez for 140 games next year as their starter.  He’s 21, so I’ll say until he struggles they’ve committed to him.  As of right now, he’s not struggling at all.  Hitting near .400 over the last week and has some pop in his bat.  Worth a look in very deep leagues (read AL-Only or Sal-Only leagues).

Johnny Damon – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Wow, next thing you know he’s gonna make a throw to 2nd with only one relay man.

Brett Lawrie – 1-for-4 with 2 steals.  I’m fully prepared to go all in for him next year while preparing myself for a bust.  Don’t bust, don’t bust, bust!  That’s next March, April and May Grey.  BTW, I’m thinking about changing my name to $rey only I think it works better for S’s.

Adam Lind – 1-for-5 with his 23rd homer.  Who was it saying they were done with Lind because of his slump?  Oh, everyone.

Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-3 with a steal.  I love…Wait, not strong enough.  I lurve when guys try and prove their worth by stealing bags.  Prove yourself, Viciedo, prove.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks.  Hold on, I need my 13-year-old niece to text me some exclamation marks.  13 Ks!!!!!  Wow!!!

Carlos Lee – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer.  Guess he’s not hurt…In the literal sense.  13 homers isn’t exactly setting the world on fire like a good I Can Has Cheezburger meme.

Nick Swisher – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Has 77 RBIs and a .383 OBP on the year with 21 homers.  Really not an awful season.  Yes, when I say not awful instead of good, it’s not great.  Follow?

Alex Rodriguez – He called his thumb’s bluff with an MRI, but he still lost three to five days on the flop.

Derek Jeter – Missed yesterday and could miss the upcoming Sawx series.  In other news, Jeter and Minka Kelly broke up.  I guess Minka’s fine if you have less than 3,000 hits.  Same reason I started masturbating to hotter women after Razzball reached 3,000 page views.

Steve Cishek got the save, but it wasn’t that cut and dry.  Edward Mujica came in for the ninth for the save, but promptly gave up 2 runs.  One person who was nowhere in sight was Leo Nunez and with only 17 people in attendance at Joe Robbie/Pro Player/Blockbuster/Dolphin/Sun Life/Whoever Ponies Up Money To Sponsor This Godforsaken Stadium, it’s not hard to find someone.  As of right now, I’d grab Cishek and Mujica, in that order, but yesterday I thought it was the opposite, so it could change at any moment.  Really depends on McKeon or how good his memory still is.  “Let’s warm up Looper!”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks.  From April-June, Vazquez looked like he should’ve retired.  Or returred, if Ludacris is reading this.  Or he looked down right turrible, if Charles Barkley is reading this.  In July, he looked good.  In August, he’s been great.

Logan Morrison – 2-for-4 and his 18th homer in his return to the Marlins.  He pissed off Florida management by pulling out his iPhone during the home run trot to send out some tweets.  Jack McKeon wondered why he’s fiddling with an abacus.

Wily Mo Pena – 3-for-3 with a HR, 2 runs, and 4 RBIs.  I would not want to go anywhere near Jim Bowden’s keyboard or mouse after he read that box score line.  That said, Pena isn’t assured regular playing time with Seager, Carp, and Trayvon hitting well.  More of a day-to-day matchup play.

Kyle Seager – 4-for-4 and 10 for his last 14.  That’s not a hot schmotato…. This is a hot schmotato!  For right now, Seager reminds me of Omar Infante when he’s on a hot streak.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Rockies called him up.  Why do the Rockies keep taking the A’s discards?  Do they think, “We had success with CarGo.  Why would Mark Ellis and Kouz be any different?”

Bobby Parnell – Got his first save of the year.  Only 299 more to go before the Mets change closers.

Hiroki Kuroda – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  2.92 ERA and 1.21 WHIP.  He’s basically Tim Hudson on a bankrupt team, offensively and otherwise.

James Loney – 3-for-5.  He’s been hot (11 for last 17), but I can’t recommend him.  He’s just so…James Loney.  Maybe ask a different fantasy baseball ‘pert if you should pick him up.

Skip Schumaker – 4-for-4 with four singles for the Homeless Man Cycle.

Shaun Marcum – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Season ERA is 3.38.  I loved him in the preseason, and he’s actually been about as good as I thought he’d be.  Only I didn’t foresee some pitchers having ERAs in the low 2′s.  If you won’t lower the mound, raise the plate!

Alex Gordon – 1-for-2, 3 runs and a slam & legs.  Now has 17 homers and 14 steals.  Having a nice year, but anyone who owned him in previous years can tell you 17 homers and 14 steals turns to 12 homers and 7 steals very easily and you don’t want to own that.

Wandy Rodriguez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 14 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the Rockies.  In related news, it doesn’t look like Wandy’s gonna be traded to the Rockies.

Brian Bogusevic – 3-for-4.  Picked up where J.D. Martinez left off, which is to say he’ll probably be hot for a few days, unless the Astros move into Coors.

Eric Young Jr. – 1-for-5 with his 4th steal in his last four games.  Okay, that’s slightly cherrypicking stats because he got three steals on Saturday, but still if you need steals it’s silly to not plug him in.

Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs with 5 homers in the last ten games.  Whatever Tulo had, CarGo caught it.  Remind me next August to go out and acquire all Rockie hitters.

Colby Rasmus – Will miss two to three days with his jammed wrist.  With his time off, he’s going to throw bags of flaming turds at La Russa’s Prius.

Brett Lawrie – 2-for-3 with his 4th homer, ending his 1-for-13 slump.  Maybe he slept with one of the Molina sisters as a slump buster.

Michael Cuddyer – Hit by a pitch on the wrist and was pulled from the game.  Oddly enough, his wrist felt fine but the Twins’ trainer just reflexively figured it was a concussion.

Brad Peacock – Mystery’s favorite player is due to be called up for September.  He’s 6′ 1″ but seven-two with his giant boa-rimmed top hat.  Peacock has been dominant in the minor leagues this year.  Double-A:  2.01 ERA and a 11.77 K-rate in 98 2/3 IP.  Triple-A:  8.58 K-rate, 3.56 ERA in 43 IP.  Here’s what Stephen just said during his Peacock fantasy, “With a quick, loose arm action, he throws a 92 to 94 MPH straight fastball, a plus knuckle-curve ball with sharp downward action, and an average changeup.  I often dream of pulling Grey’s fingernails out one at a time.”  Whoa, maybe I should read those closer.  Peacock probably won’t see enough starts this year to make a difference, but I’d look at him in deep NL-Only keepers.

Tom Milone – Nats announced Milone would also be called up when rosters expand.  He’s actually put together a better season than Peacock, but his upside is lower because he’s a soft-tossing lefty that uses deception where Peacock uses good ol’ fashioned speed.  Leave it to Peacock to show off.

Heath Bell – Giants claimed the Padres closer on waivers and they now have until Friday to work out a deal. I don’t think it happens unless Wilson is totally FUB(e)AR’D.  If it does happen, I’d grab Gregerson or Qualls, in that order.

Joey Votto – 5-for-7 with 2 homers in the doubleheader.  Member when you were mad at Votto midseason because of his lack of power?  Member I said it was a long season?  This blurb was sponsored by Members Only.

Scott Sizemore – 4-for-4, 1 RBI.  Nice game but he’s been painfully yawnstipating for an extended stretch.  4 RBIs in his last ten games with no homers or steals.  That’s the new blech.

Coco Crisp – 4-for-4, 5 RBIs and two homers.  One homer was against Sabathia.  Odd since CC Sabathia usually devours left-handed hitters and anything that sounds like Coco Crisp.

Nick Swisher – 2-for-3 with his third homer in two games.  He’s not quite as sexy without the sideburns, but if you’re power deprived he’s worth a look.

Daniel Hudson – 8 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Was one out from the shutout and then gave up back-to-back HRs to Nix and Gomes.  Kind of like how Kate Hudson performed so well in Almost Famous and then made back-to-back bombs.  Fortunately for Daniel, he had Putz to back him up.  Unfortunately for Kate, she had the putz from the Black Crowes and Alex Rodriguez.

Carlos Santana – Won’t miss time but left early yesterday after taking a couple of foul balls off his mask, inspiring him to write a song, Oye Como Vas Deferens.

Shin-Soo Choo – Was scratched with a sore trunk.  Trunk?  Maybe that’s why Matt LaPorta mistook him for his Kia.

Ezequiel Carrera – 1-for-4 with a steal.  Has now started five games in a row with 3 steals.  Oh, and Ezequiel Carrera sounds like a Porsche carriage built for the Amish.  Up to 4 horsepower!