Fantasy Baseball Advice

Jorge Posada’s going to hit 161 home runs (accounting for one rainout, of course), Granderson’s going to win the MVP and Big Papi still sucks.  Oh, and Beckett’s record will be 0-25-1. Yes, a tie.  My crystal ball doesn’t lie, don’t second guess it.  Spring has sprung and baseball’s back.  It’s a good time to be alive.  The flowers smell different, don’t they?  They smell like hot dogs.   Right now, I feel like putting some endangered Chilean sea bass on the grill, an Olde English in an oversized cozy and kicking back for the next six months while the sounds of baseball dance in my head.   Oh, and win all my fantasy baseball leagues; that would be nice too.  The number one thing you don’t want to do in the next few weeks is overrate anything you see.  You’re not winning your league in the first few weeks, but you can lose it.  As inviting as Brett Gardner seems right now, don’t drop A-Rod for him.  Even if A-Rod cheats.  Brett Gardner’s an intriguing name in deep leagues.  Just don’t jump out the window until you see how real the fire is.  On the other hand, don’t ignore what goes on these first few weeks.  This is when The ‘08 Nadys (<–great band name) get signed, but is also when the ’09 Bonifacios open for them.  Anyway, here’s what I saw this weekend for fantasy baseball:

Jon Rauch – Officially the closer for the Twins.  Old news at this point.  But, as far as I’m concerned, old news is better than new news because saying new news sounds dumb.  Who are you, Starship singing Sara, Sara… Sara, Sara?  I get it.  One Sara would suffice.  No reason why Rauch can’t be completely effective as the closer, or effective until July when the Twins trade for Bell.  Rauch is a sneaky donkeycorn, which is redundant because all donkeycorns are sneaky.  It’s in their DNA.  In all the leagues I had Guerrier, and it was quite a few, I dropped him and grabbed Duchscherer.

Justin Duchscherer – When healthy, he’s pitched well.  When not healthy, you DL or drop him.  He’s a Bennis Carpensheeter.

Andrew Bailey – Limped off the field on Saturday with grabbing in his knee.  *sad trombone*  Bailey says he’ll be fine for Opening Day.  I say it’ll be a miracle if he gets through April healthy.  With Wuertz *pinkie to mouth* hurtz, I grabbed Ziegler and dropped Duchscherer in one league.  Yes, in the matter of two blurbs I’ve added two guys and dropped two guys.  That’s how I roll.

Gio Gonzalez – Named the A’s fifth starter.  I already dazzled your retinas with why to own Gio Gonzalez.  Gio’s 1980 Belushi wild, but he’s also pretty unhittable.  He could easily be the AL’s answer to Jorge de la Rosa.  Oh, and Gio pitches in a pitcher’s park.  Hello, melons, I like to squeeze.

Coco Crisp – Fractured his pinkie.  And the breaks keep coming for the A’s.  I mean good breaks.  Bee tee dubya, Fox didn’t crack the lineup even without Crisp.  Let us say, radicchio.

Jack Cust – Geez, is this an all A’s roundup?  Cust was designated for assignment.  Still… No Fox!  Eric Chavez will be the primary DH.  As far as Chavez can limp, DH may as well stand for designated hamstring.  Chavez doesn’t need Macho Camacho to knock him out, a strong gust of wind will do.  Fox will see his share of ABs this year.  Elias Sports Bureau said Jake Fox is the first super-utility man in the history of baseball who can’t play defense.  Actually, they didn’t say that, but something that was overheard this week in the Elias Sports Bureau compound, “On Monday, Peter, in accounting, imitated the dramatic prairie dog a record 17 times.”

Nate McLouth – Hamstring’s fine, will play on Opening Day.  This guy really fell off the map in drafts.  See no reason why he can’t give you a 20/20 season with a mediocre average.

Luis Valbuena – Bruised his hand and will miss a few days.  Grudzielanek will fill-in for him.  Somewhere the guy who has to sew the last names on the Indians’ jerseys groans.

John Bowker – Won the starting job over Schierholtz.  That’s like beating conjoined twins in a race to put on pants.

Scott Kazmir – To the 15-day DL.  No way!  C’mon!  Really?  He’s only supposed to miss two starts.  And I was only supposed to write a blog for a few months back in 2007.  Oh-kay.

Jeff Francis – Rockies placed him on the DL.  In other news, who cares?

Seth Smith – Will start over Dexter Fowler on Opening Day.  It’s only Opening Day, but Fowler’s value could take a hit moving forward. Unless we can somehow coax Brad Hawpe to run into a wall.  Smith’s a great pickup in deep mixed leagues and NL-Only leagues.  His bat has never been the issue.  Playing time has.

Aroldis Chapman – Sent to Triple-A.  He’ll be back at some point.  June is my guess.  Filling in for him is…

Mike Leake -The first 1st (geez, so much redundancy in this post) round pick to make it to the major leagues from last year’s amateur draft (you know, the one with Strasburg).  Leake has quality control and strikeout stuff.  I’d grab him in keepers and NL-Only leagues.  Just remember Homer Bailey was a highly touted pitcher and we’re still waiting for him.  For every rookie phenom, there’s a few roofies in your drink and you wake up in Guatemala watching a high school production of My Fair Lady.

Mike Jacobs – Staying in the “Mike” genre, Jacobs will be in a blahtoon with Fernando Tatis.  I understand the Mets are biding their time until Ike Davis is ready, but they couldn’t have went after a 1st baseman this offseason.  The Mets are a big market team, right?  Cause I could’ve sworn New York qualified for that distinction.  The Mets really need to move past minayal and get on with pain and guilt.

Dustin Pedroia – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a HR yesterday.  He says he wants to go for 20 homers.  That would be a record for a Sparky Anklebiter.

Kevin Youkilis – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and hit his first and probably only triple this year.  Assist from Nick Swisher when his route to the Youk triple was through Beacon Street.

Josh Beckett – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Last year, his April ERA was 7.22.

CC Sabathia – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Another notoriously slow starter.  He’ll be fine.  Long season, yadda².

Brett Gardner – 2-for-4, steal of home.  You tell Raphael that Brett Gardner ain’t taking no jive from no Western Union messenger.

Jorge Posada – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs, HR, one manly pat on the butt from Andy Pettitte.

Nick Johnson – 0-for-3, hurt himself on Friday, but played yesterday.  If you have Johnson on your team and you need him to stay healthy, it’s like needing farts to not smell.

While the merits of what someone is hitting or not hitting in Spring Training can be debated, where they are hitting or not hitting is important to look at.  First, I want you to refresh your pretty little brain with the impact of lineup position on Runs and RBIs.  Welcome back!  Anyway, here’s some players whose value dips or shoots up (easy, Hamilton) due to 2010 lineup position:

Alexei Ramirez – He tends to start the season slow and he’s slated to bat ninth.  That’s a recipe for yawnstipation.

Ben Zobrist - Here’s what I said about Zobrist in the 2010 fantasy baseball rankings, “Zobrist’s homers don’t seem as fluky as they might appear.  He maintained a 17.5 HR/FB in 2009 and a 17.4 HR/FB in 2008.  Granted, that was a smaller sample size.  So he may look like David Eckstein, but the only thing they have in common is neither is Jewish though their names sound like they are.  Zobrist’s average seems out there; he looks closer to a .270 hitter.  He was a utility man coming into 2009 and I wouldn’t be surprised if he left 2010 back in that role.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Well, I could be wrong.  Zobrist will be hitting third for the Rays.  The doubts I had about Zobrist coming into this season are a bit assuaged by this lineup position.  I still don’t think Zobrist hitting third will last the whole year, but who goes from hitting third at the start of the year to the bench?  Oh, wait…

Casey Kotchman – Should hit third against righties.  Look at Casey making a play for fantasy value!  Unfortunately, he probably won’t play against lefties with Garko stealing ABs.  If you can somehow work a platoon of Kotchman into your fantasy lineup (I’m thinking mostly AL-Only leagues), Casey could be a steal.  Damn, every time I say I’m done with a player, they pull me back in.  So who’s hitting third vs. lefties? Glad you asked, random italicized voice.

Franklin Gutierrez – Will hit third vs. lefties.  Though The Big FraGu is slotted into the 7 hole vs. righties, hitting in front of the catcher and Jack Wilson.  On the bright side, this is contingent on the health of Bradley and Griffey Jr., who’s now older than Griffey Sr. from when you remember him.

Jose Bautista – Hitting leadoff.  That could also be the answer to, “Where did all of Aaron Hill’s RBIs go?”

Travis Snider – Currently stuck between John Buck and Alex Gonzalez.  That’s like the middle seat between Afa and Sika.

Gaby Sanchez – This could change, but right now he looks like he’s stuck in the eight hole.  Luckily, no one’s actually drafted him anywhere, except for me.  Yay me.

Shane Victorino – This move has been covered by me numerous times before, but, yeah, he’s in the 7 hole and Crapolanco is appropriately enough in the two hole.

Ian Desmond – Batting 2nd.  “Mr. Desmond, roses just arrived from you.”  “Who are they from?”  “Grey from Razzball.”  “Put them in the pile with the chocolates he sent yesterday.”

Marlon Byrd – The five hole.  He’s going to prove to be so borderline mixed league worthy, I have a feeling there will be at least 1700 comments this year asking me if they should drop (Insert Schmohawk) and pick up Byrd.

Orlando Cabrera – O-Cab’s in the two hole.  He’ll probably be more valuable than most middle infielders that are owned more than him, but what freakin’ fun is it owning Orlando Cabrera?

Jay Bruce – Until Rolen gets injured, Bruce is in the 6 hole.  Bruce could be this year’s Kemp in regards to a losing value from lineup position.

Julio Borbon – Will be hitting on top of a very potent lineup.  Borbon will have to really struggle to not have a huge year.

Elvis Andrus – He has not left the building, but he has parked in the nine hole.

Albert Callaspo – Hitting third.  For all of you crazy excited about Butler this year.  He’s hitting in this lineup:  DeJesus, Podsednik, Callaspo, Butler, Ankiel, Guillen, Betancourt, Kendall and Getz.  There’s about eight names there that wouldn’t make the starting lineup for any other team.  Fun times!

Magglio Ordonez – I really don’t think he’s ownable anywhere, but he’s set to bat third.  I could probably knock in 90 and score 90 in the three hole of a major league lineup.

Scott Sizemore – Will be allowed to ferment in the 8 hole as he proves his mettle for a month or two.  I have a feeling that I might be jumping off the Scott Sizemore bandwagon sooner vs. later.  We shall see.

Erick Aybar – Leading off for the Angels. Will get Runs, some steals and average, poor homers and RBIs.  His stats are like looking at Yunel’s in the mirror.  I will call you, lenuY.

Garrett Jones – Will bat third.  If you can have a fantasy lineup of mostly three hole hitters, you’re at least pointing in the right direction.

Colby Rasmus – Batting in front of Pujols.  A 2001 Bonds would get pitches to hit in front of Pujols.

Carlos Gonzalez and Dexter Fowler – Top of the Rockies order.  That’s rated 3 M for Mmm…

Everth Cabrera – At some point, I hope the Padres make the right decision and put EverCab at the top of the order, but I don’t think it’s happening out of the gate.

Pablo Sandoval – Hitting third behind Rowand and Renteria, which sounds like a VD clinic.

Nick Johnson – Hitting 2nd for the Yankees.  Johnson has a .400+ career OBP.  Last I checked the Yankees scored a lot of runs.  Anyone want any action on the over/under for the amount of times Johnson’s on second and gets held at 3rd on a single?  65? 70?

Nolan Reimold – I’m not even sure he’s in the lineup.  Trembley’s talking about starting Pie.  How dare you judge, Reimold!  Doode, your team’s going nowhere fast — play Reimold!  Sorry, this has nothing to do with this post.  But I thought some of you might not have heard and I didn’t want to do a whole post on this, though I did have the title, Effin’ Pie.

Alcides Escobar – Batting at the bottom of the lineup for right now, but Weeks is one aggressive burp away from the DL.

Javier Vazquez heads to the Yankees. This should help the Yankees contend for a division– Oh, wait. They just won the World Series. Well, this should help a rotation that struggled– Oh, wait, they have Sabathia, Burnett, Pettitte, Joba, Hughes and now Javier Vazquez. Vazquez has already done the Yankee thing, putting up 14-10/4.91/1.29/150. Also, that was in 2004 when Vazquez was coming off incredible years that were broadcast in French Canadian. Deja vu all over again. Right, Yogi? Only this might not feel like deja vu for Vazquez, but one of those cases where he’s mumbling to myself, “I’ve been here before, but this time the fences seem like they’re in closer and there’s a giant, industrial grade fan behind home plate.” Alas, Javy, it’s the Stadium Adjacent to the House That Ruth Built. With 99.9% of my 2010 rankings in the bag, I had placed Vazquez in the top 10 for starters. Was looking forward to drafting him as my top pitcher. Now, not so much. I’ll probably drop him out of the top 20 completely. Don’t really want anything to do with him anymore unless he drops pretty far in 2010 drafts. When Vazquez’s 2010 season is over, Suzyn Waldman may not be the only one crying. Anyway, here’s some more signings, deals and other offseason moves for 2010 fantasy baseball:

Phil Hughes/Joba Chamberlain- With the addition of Vazquez, Hughes or Joba head to the bullpen. This will be a spring training decision. Whichever guy ends up in the rotation will have value as a fifth fantasy starter. Yesterday, I flipped a coin and it said Hughes. Today, it says Joba. There’s reasons for and against both.

Melky Cabrera – Melky… Cereal, baby. Melky do what he do. Rock a most awesome first name and a threat for 15/15. As he did in New York, Melky will have to deal with a crowded outfield. Melky, doode, get traded to the Pirates. They’ll play you! Melky will probably platoon a bit with Dye-as, occasionally spell McLouth — M-C-L-O-U-T-H — and start some in right. In NL-Only leagues, Melky’s a great late flier, but you’re going need a bench hitter to slot in when he sits. If he nails an every day job out of spring, he’ll be a 5th outfielder in mixed leagues.

Jason Heyward – I already went over my Heyward fantasy, not going to rehash those potatoes. Melky doesn’t kill Heyward’s potential — no one can kill that shizz — but when you move a veteran into a crowded outfield, it usually means someone’s getting squeezed for time. I still wanna take the flier on Heyward in 2010 fantasy drafts just in case he gets the every day job. This will be a spring training call, as well.

Garrett Atkins – Over to the Orioles. Member how the O’s fans hated Melvin Mora? Yeah, me neither, but I’m assuming they did. Atkins won’t quiet that dissent. If Atkins’s bat slows any further, it’ll start to look like he’s bunting every pitch. Last preseason I wrote, “(Atkins has) gone from 29 to 25 to 21 home runs since 2006. If you were taking the SATs, the next number in that sequence would be 17.” Well, missed that SAT question as he hit 9 homers. Calling Coors home. Um, pass.

Troy Glaus – To the Braves. Glaus will play 1st base in 2010. 30 homers and a .270 average aren’t out of the realm of possibility for Glaus, but health is always the issue. Maybe him and Chipper can go halfsies on some ginkgo biloba.

Matt Capps – Looks to be headed to the Nats to close. Aside from a 2009 that looked almost as ugly as Precious’s Dad — Whoa, kinda prefer to be looking at Mo’Nique’s hairy pits. Thank you very much. That’s what I said. — Capps could be completely capable in 2010 and end up a donkeycorn. He’ll be on quite a few of my teams. After all, SAGNOF!

Octavio Dotel – Deal’s not nearly complete, but it looks like Dotel might end up as the Pirates closer. No reason why he can’t be successful in that role either.

Fernando Rodney – Signs with the Angels. This just clouds the Angels closer picture with Fuentes. Not that you need me to say it, but neither are a great option. I wouldn’t be surprised if Rodney ends up with more saves. Scioscia strikes me as a manager that would prefer to go with a righty. If I were drafting today, I’d probably get some grief since it’s Christmas Eve. I’d also draft both Rodney and Fuentes. This shituation may not be cleared up until April.

Coco Crisp – Signed with the A’s. Hey, first Melky’s traded then Coco Crisp signs. GMs are busy. That’s General Mills! Oofa! What? It’s Christmas. Cut me some slack. I’m willing to give Coco a pass on last year because he had some injuries, but he’s not even guaranteed time in Oakland. Even with an every day job, Crisp is barely a 5th outfielder.

Milton Bradley – All I’m going to say is Cubs, Rangers, Padres, A’s, Indians and Dodgers fans were all excited when they first got Milton Bradley on their team. Cut to a few months later, excitement waned. To double down on that point, the Cubs wanted to get rid of Bradley so bad, they took Carlos Silva. After the first big ‘bow Bradley drops on Dave Niehaus’s head all bets will be off. Can Bradley produce? Yeah, of course. If he wants to. That if is ginourmous. Safeco also won’t do him any favors. I’m going to ignore him in mixed leagues.

Brandon Morrow – In those aforementioned starter rankings, I showed some love for Morrow. I’m excited about his potential. His walks are pretty terrible, but his K-rate makes up for that. He also shares a health care provider with Harden. Morrow wants to start and the Blue Jays should let him. Leaving Safeco and the AL West doesn’t help Morrow’s value, but he should come as a bargain in 2010 drafts and he’s still worth the flier.

Brett Wallace – Went over Michael Taylor for fantasy in the Halladay trade. Then Stephen went over Wallace in his Blue Jays prospects post. I agree with Stephen. Wallace probably will start the year in the minors. If he starts 2010 in the majors, then I’ll be sure to put you on notice to grab him as a corner infidel.

Nick Johnson – To become a Yankee, Nick Johnson had to pass a physical. And he did! When healthy, Johnson will bat 2nd, pushing Granderson to a run-producing spot. Johnson, if healthy, can get on base and score a ton of runs, while contributing 20+ homers. A healthy Johnson could be a steal in fantasy drafts. But, as John Wayne Bobbitt might say, this Johnson hasn’t been healthy in years. BTW, this is Nick Johnson if he gets what he wants for Christmas. This is him if he doesn’t.

Evan Longoria went 0-for-4 yesterday.  He’s been kinda terrible for about three months now.  Man, third base is a minefield.  Now I’m not putting Longoria in the Wright Sucks Then Gets Conked On The Head box.  No, he hasn’t been nearly that bad.  But two separate months of an under .240 average and two months of zero steals and tw0 months of 1 steal and this sentence has nearly as many ands as, “In the saying, “Fish-and-Chips,” it’s necessary to have a hyphen between “fish” and “and,” and “and” and “chips.”  I’m not ready to proclaim where Longoria should be drafted next year.  I’m Grey and I make proclamations! But Longoria isn’t exactly setting the world afire with flames shooting out of his areolas.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Scott Kazmir – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Sonavabench!  I can’t stand Rays pitchers this year.  They’re sucking the life out of me.  One day it’s Shields pitching terribly in my lineup, then it’s him pitching well on my bench. Then Kazmir follows suit.  I might need to take a sabbatical next year from the Rays pitchers.

J.P. Howell – 1 IP, 1 ER. This is the 2nd game in a row Thurston and Lovey’s son has blown.

Oliver Perez – Out for the season with surgery to his knee.  In September, I’m fully expecting the Mets to play their home games in candy stripper outfits.

Brad Penny – Wanted out of Boston and he got it.  He cited irreconcilable differences.  Sox just said he sucked.

Chad Qualls – Placed on waivers, but it’ll take a John Holmes-sized package to get him from the Diamondbacks.  If he’s shown the door, I’d expect Rauch to get the saves.  Oh, and he blew a save last night.  Yay.

Justin Upton – Back from his oblique strain.  Oh, and he went 1-for-3.  Non-sarcastic yay.

Jonathan Sanchez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 Ks.  Has been solid since his no-hitter.  Somewhere, Buehrle realizes he should’ve renegotiated his deal with the devil.

Brian Wilson – Medders got the save yesterday (quite easily actually), but I think it was just because Medders was warming up to enter a losing game, then one of The Flying Molina Brothers put the Giants into a save situation with 2 outs in the 8th.

David Ortiz – 2 HRs yesterday.  Has 22 homers on the year while batting .227.  Who are you, Dave Kingman?

Josh Johnson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 Ks vs. the Mets.  Is it only me or do you, loyal Razzball reader, also expect a shutout from your pitcher when they face the Mets and are upset when all you get is a s0lid start?

Roy Oswalt – 6 IP, 3 ER.  Was outpitched by Pineiro.  What’s worse, I’m not surprised.  I wanna say to Oswalt, “You gonna let this punk get away with that?  What’s the matter with you?  What’s the world comin’ to?”

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-4, but caught stealing again.  On the bright side, he’s at least attempting steals.  I’m farting in your general direction, Alcides Escobar.

Andre Ethier – 3-for-4, 2 HRs.  Mentioned so I don’t get hate mail from Andre Ethier’s Mom.

Jack Cust – HR yesterday.  Member two days ago how I said when he gets hot, he gets scorching?  He’s now batting near .600 for the last week.

Jose Lopez – HR yesterday.  Has 4 homers in the last week.  Cool, but I dropped him back in May and don’t regret it.

Trevor Hoffman – Placed on waivers.  These things usually don’t go through.  Keep that in mind.  But I’d expect Coffey to grab Brewers saves in September if The Hoff’s off.

Nick Johnson – Heads to the DL.  If you set your watch by Johnson’s DL trips, you were probably pretty tardy this year as it took him much longer than usual to hit the infirmary.

Brad Lidge – Before yesterday’s game, Manuel said Lidge will remain the Phillies closer.  So, of course, Madson came on for the save.  And blew it.  Give Scott Eyre the ball!  I keed.  Lidge had worked a few days in a row, so I think Lidge is still the guy… To blow saves.

Cole Hamels – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 Ks.  I watched a good chunk of this game.  The Pirates had a lot of opportunities to score.  Love to sit here (and I am sitting) and tell you Hamels is gonna be just fine going forward, but I’d be lying.  He might be, but this game shouldn’t be used as an indication either way.

Matt LaPorta – 2-for-4 and a HR yesterday.  He now has at least one hit in every game since his recall.  Now Eric Wedge must think harder about ways to bench him.

Andy Pettitte – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 Ks.  I don’t think I’ve owned a Yankee pitcher in five years.  Too many headaches with the division and now the ballpark.  Pettitte’s one of those I wouldn’t have owned (though used to when he was on the Astros).  But through it all, Pettitte has pitched well this year.  Nothing incredible (4.18 ERA, 1.40 WHIP, around 7 K/9), but solid.

Alfonso Soriano – May need knee surgery.  No word if he’ll have it sooner than later.  My guess is later, but if he does it sooner, then suddenly we have a some playing time for Jake Fox.  Yes, Soriano’s fallen far when I’m hoping for knee surgery and I own him in a league.

Milton Bradley – HR yesterday.  Before the game, he talked about how much he hates Chicago, “I’m talking about hatred, period. I’m talking about when I go to eat at a restaurant. I’ve got to listen to the waiters badmouthing me at another table, sitting in a restaurant.”  Milton needs to stop eating at Dick’s Last Resort.

David Wright was released from the hospital yesterday after tests showed that he was okay from Saturday’s beaning.  When he first went down, the Mets had some serious concerns when Wright couldn’t answer straightforward questions like, “Who’s our starting shortstop?” “Who plays 1st?”  “Who’s the shirtless guy hiding in Jerry Manual’s locker?”  Wright might be out for the season.  Probably be the best thing that could happen to his fantasy owners.  The wait for his power to return can finally end.  Though I wouldn’t drop him in one year leagues until it’s official he’s not returning, unless room on your DL is spare.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Nick Johnson – Left with a hamstring injury.  He seemed to be in good spirits after the game, smiling in locker room pictures.

Nate McLouth – McLousy’s out for a few days after aggravating his hamstring injury and his fantasy owners.

Luke Scott – HR yesterday.  He credits the homer to finally feeling better from the flu.  I guess he had the dreaded 1,700 Hour Flu.

Nick Markakis – Sparkakis!  He now has 14 homers on the year.  He needs ten more to get in my good graces.  Chucking in seven steals along the way wouldn’t hurt either.  Yes, it’s a pipe dream, but it’s my pipe dream.

Erick Aybar – 3-for-6, 2 Runs, 3 RBIs and 2 steals.  Since the All-Star Break, there’s been few MI schmohawks to fill a line like EA – get in the game!

Mike Napoli – The Angels scored 17 runs, Napoli went 1-for-6 with 1 RBI.  Ticker Tease!

Torii Hunter – Returned to the lineup and went 2-for-6 with 2 RBIs, while batting sixth.  Might take him a few days to a week before he’s moved back up the order.  Then again, we’re talking about Scioscia.

Chone Figgins – 4-for-7, 3 Runs, 3 RBIs and a steal.  Who is this Angels offense?  The 1985 Cardinals?

Carlos Gonzalez – 2 HRs yesterday.  How about you give me your password and I’ll pick him up?

Chris Coghlan – 5-for-10 in the doubleheader with a HR yesterday.  Yesterday was a good day for Friday’s Buy guys.

Aaron Cook – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER. About a week ago, turf toe sidelined him.  This start makes me think he’s not completely over it.  I wouldn’t start him anywhere until we see a decent game.  Then again, most of you probably don’t start him anywhere anyway.

Roy Oswalt – 6 IP, 5 ER.  Speaking of pitchers who just don’t seem right.

Hunter Pence – Homers now in back-to-back games.  Love to see him explode in the final month-plus like a Spinal Tap drummer.

Julio Borbon – 4 steals on Saturday, 2-for-3 on Sunday.  He’ll be leading off for the next week vs. righties until Cruz returns.  If you need steals, grab him now.  There’s no time for this Borbon to age.  Oofa!

Junichi Tazawa – 5 IP, 4 ER.  I told you my trepidation on Tazawa in Friday’s Buy/Sell.  And that’s me alluding to me!

Grady Sizemore – HR and steal yesterday as he went 2-for-4.  Since the All-Star Break, he has 4 homers and two steals.  I really wish the Indians would just shut him down so I have no reservations about drafting him next year.  (1 Pun Point for Grey.)

Taylor Teagarden/Kelly Shoppach – HR for each yesterday as The Catchers That Had Everyone Caca-Cuckoo In 2008 rise again.

Colby Rasmus – HR yesterday.  In his short time in the majors, Colby has shown himself to be hella streaky.  (Hella’s for the 18-35 males.)  Right now, Colby is hella hot.  If you need OF help, get’m while they’re hot.

Ryan Howard – 2 HRs yesterday.  For one of my teams, I hope he goes on one of his 10 homer month tears.  For a different team where I don’t own him, I hope he tanks.  Only Natalie Imbruglia knows how I feel.

Brad Lidge – When a manager brings a closer in for a one out save, it’s called kid gloves.

Rafael Soriano – Figured out a way to explain his recent gopher ball troubles, he says he’s dealing with shoulder problems.   I still maintain he’s going to lose save opps in the near future.

Clayton Richard – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, but 12 baserunners as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post.  But he’s a HodgePadre and shouldn’t have been started in this game anyway.  But II, The Return of But:  He threw so many walks and he gets the same team next time at Petco (Cards) that I probably won’t start him there in most leagues.

Joba Chamberlain – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners vs. the Mariners.  Potatoes to chips, I like the way the Yankees are babying him this year (skipping him and whatnot), but I like it for next year.  For this year, it’s not helping his value when he’s skipped then throws a bucket of fake puke over the movie theater balcony.

Rajai Davis – Stole his third base in four games yesterday.  How is he owned in only 17.5% of ESPN leagues?  I know 75% of ESPN leagues are abandoned, but still.  He should be owned everywhere.

Adrian Gonzalez – 4-for-5, HR yesterday.  I wonder if Adrian calls up other teams pretending to be Kevin Towers and tries to trade himself.

Randy Wolf – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 Ks.  And he hit a homer or as frequent commenter, Steve, said, “Wolfman jack!”

Josh Willingham – HR yesterday, 3 RBIs and offered all of his green M&M’s to sweeten the Nats deal for Strasburg.

Geoff Blum – Hit his ninth homer yesterday.  Here’s something to blow your mind.  Geoff Blum’s power > Vladimir Guerrero’s power.  Want more?  Geoff Blum’s power > David Wright’s power.