Fantasy Baseball Advice

Chris Carpenter left yesterday’s spring training game with a strained hammy.  That sounds delicious!  Unless, of course, you’ve drafted him already.  Then you’re like, “Jesus, Carpenter!”  But you shouldn’t have drafted him already.  You really shouldn’t draft until the last possible second in March.  You don’t want to lose your league before the season even starts, that’s not fun/fair.  Not to mention, I wouldn’t draft Carpenter.  I don’t trust him to stay healthy, even if recent history tells us I should.  I also don’t walk on the sidewalk cracks and sometimes check to make sure my door is locked seven times before leaving.  Hey, no one’s perfect.  The Cardinals say Carpenter will be fine in ten days or so.  I still say stay away.  Older pitcher coming off a 235 IP season who is already hurting?  I’m okay without that.  BTW, if you found this site by searching Google for “Jesus + Carpenter + what do Cardinals say?” you’re in the wrong place.  Sorry.  Anyway, here’s some more news for fantasy baseball:

Grady Sizemore – Won’t be ready until the middle of April.  Hopefully he’s taking this extra time to pose for some more nudie pictures of himself.  “Oh, darn, I got something on my pants.  Maybe I should remove them.”  That’s Grady playing coy, the only playing he’s been doing lately.

Nick Johnson – Signed with the Indians.  When the signing was announced, he seemed in good spirits.

Jake Peavy – From the files of Grey Will Never Learn, I’m starting to get excited about Jake Peavy again.  He’s supposed to make an appearance on Friday and should be ready for the start of the season.  All common sense is telling me Peavy will just get hurt again by June, but if he’s throwing well and healthy, I could see moving him up the ranks and drafting him at a discount.

Brandon Webb – News sounds positive about Webb throwing bullpen sessions.  Terrific, wonderful, awe to the some.  Whatever, my Peavy enthusiasm doth not runneth over to Webb.

Josh Beckett – Was hit by a batting practice ball and is showing concussion symptoms.  I’m not a doctor — in case you were wondering — but after losing Morneau for ten months to a concussion, I think this is just another reason to avoid Beckett.

Lance Berkman – Will DH for a bit because of a sore throwing elbow.  Sounds like minor news, but if this problem continues into the season, where’s he playing for the Cardinals?  Not 1st base.  I have a feeling all of those people drafting Berkman who are hoping for a bounce back are going to be yawnstipated.

Chris Iannetta – He hit a home run yesterday.  Already went over catchers to target, where Iannetta got some face time (Do I have to pay Steve Jobs a nickel for saying that?).  Oh, and I’ve already drafted Iannetta on one team.  Why won’t you draft him?  Afraid of success?  Aw, you underachiever, you.

Matt Thornton – February Grey waffled about whether Thornton would be the closer.  “Ooh, I’m February Grey and I can’t decide on the White Sox closer or what to eat for a snack.”  Eat Cheetos and draft Thornton with confidence.  Thank God that February Grey guy has a short month, huh?

Kyle McClellan – Looks to be the frontrunner for the fifth spot in the Cardinals rotation.  My take is Dave Duncan will sprinkle some of his magic dust on McClellan and he’ll be a valuable mixed league option by the end of the year.  He won’t be drafted in most leagues though, and I wouldn’t go against that outside of NL-Only leagues.  In NL-Only leagues, he’s the kind of pick that can help you win your league.

Brian Wilson – Dealing with a back issue of Men’s Health.  He says he’ll be all right.  I believe him.  Guy might be bonkers, but he’s got heart.  Still being drafted too high for me, so there’s that.

Corey Hart – Will be sidelined for two weeks with a strained abdominal muscle.  Don’t worry, the Hart Foundation will get its revenge!

Saul Rivera, who is surprisingly not related to Eli Whiteside, was acquired by the Diamondbacks.  Big shakes, huh?  Yeah, Rivera could get into the mix for saves.  Another potential candidate for saves is… Wait for it… Here it comes… It’s here somewhere… Where are my notes… Oh, here they are… That’s my freakin’ shopping list, and I didn’t even spell minestrone right… Oh, here… Aaron Heilman!  Not sure how the D-Backs are going to have a bullpen of Saul and Heilman.  Sounds like the outtakes for Schlinder’s List.  Saul walks 3 batters and turns the game over to Heilman.  Heilman enters and says, “I pardon you, Saul.”  Heilman will probably get exploited for being, well, not so good and having small fingers, but Qualls is close to getting removed from the closer role.  Right now, Heilman’s the setup man and he gave up a run yesterday.  The Diamondbacks also dropped Bob Howry.  Why?  Because.  Oh, and there’s Juan Gutierrez.  That’s not a closerousel, THIS IS A CLOSEROUSEL!  I’d own Qualls and Heilman.  Gutierrez and I, we’re like Kramer vs. Kramer and Juan just let our kid fall from the jungle gym.  He’ll be scarred for life!  And never be in another film.  As for Saul Rivera, I’ll get my lox from somewhere else.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Edwin Jackson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Hey, it’s the old Edwin Jackson!  Actually, the old Edwin Jackson was floundering for a few years with the Rays.  Hey, it’s the relatively new Edwin Jackson!  Well, actually, Edwin hasn’t been good at all this year.  Hey, it’s the newer than old, older than new Edwin Jackson!  That has a good ring to it.  I don’t think Edwin’s turned a corner.  I think the Marlins are just the 2nd easiest team to strikeout after the Diamondbacks.

Mark Reynolds – Mini Donkey was out of the lineup with the flu.  Big Donkey, Adam Dunn, was also out with the flu.  They must not have been in-donk-ulated.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Bad year to be an M.I.C (Middle Infield Cabrera).  EverCab already spent time on the DL and now Ass-Cab will be out for a while with a broken arm.  (BTW, how do you go from a Whore-Ram (Horacio Ramirez) to a Man-Ram (Manny Ramirez)?  You take an Ass-Cab.)  Asdrubal was driven off the field in a cart that beeped with a sad trombone.  He’s not coming back any time soon.  My guess is at least two months on the DL.

Luis Valbuena – And Jason Donald will fill in for Asdrubal.  As of right now, they’re only worth owning in AL-Only leagues.  Donald is a bit more interesting, but it depends on how much time he’ll see.  If he gets every day ABs, he could surprise with some very light pop and speed.

Grady Sizemore – CBS Sportsline, which is a sad, sad site, said, “Gimpy Sizemore sits out.”  That nickname works for me.

Ryan Howard – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 7th homer.  He has 13 days left of May.  How many homers will he have on June 1st?  13?  14?

Travis Snider – To the DL with a strained wrist.  If he had a strained groin with his strained wrist, I wouldn’t shake his hand.  DL him if you can, Snider will be back.

Nick Johnson – Having surgery on his wrist, out until July.  Hold on, July’s on the phone.  Turns out Johnson’s not returning until September.

Jeff Francoeur – Out of the lineup for two straight days.  I.e., Frenchy’s on the benchy.

Mike Pelfrey – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  After getting roughed last week vs. the Nats, he looked better, but still not dominant against a team whose offense is relying on Eric Hinske.

Hanley Ramirez – Left the game with a sore ankle.  Sore ankle is shorthand for Hanley didn’t hustle after a ball and Fredi Gonzalez lost his shizz and pulled him from the game.

Randy Wells – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I’m beginning to think I’m John Cusack with how much I’m liking Randy Wells this year.  Wells has been unlucky and his ERA is still only at 4.13.  I’m not a fan of his next start though.  Oh, Wells.

Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and a home run.  It was almost called a double when it hit a pig flying by.

Corey Patterson – 1-for-2, 3 Runs and 2 steals.  Corey’s the type to steal 10 bases in a month.  SAGNOF!

Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs) and 4 Ks vs. a team he should’ve wiped the mat with King Kong Bundy-style.  Okay for matchups (like his next one), but his walks are a bit out of control.

Jose Lopez – 2-for-4, and a steal.  As bad as he’s been, he’s still been hitting lefties, which he’ll get four more of this week.

Ian Desmond – 4-for-4, 1 Run, no Steals, no RBIs, no s’s, no g’s.  Gotta be honest, he’s one of the more yawnstipating players I own.  Do something, man!  Hit a homer, steal a base, something!

Alcides Escobar – Stole his first base of the year.  Now only needs one more steal to tie Lou Marson.

Corey Hart – 3-for-4, 2 homers.  Now has 7 homers, 3 steals and a .287 average.  Has 4 homers in the last 4 games.  Maybe he finally took those stupid sunglasses off.  Worth owning in all leagues while he’s hitting.

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 3.67 on the year.  Gets the Indians next time out.  The Indians suck.  You do the math!

Jonny Gomes – Hit another homer.  I wonder if when a Reds player says, “Yo, Jonny” if they also say, “Sans H,” so Cueto doesn’t look.

Clayton Richard – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks and a 2.94 ERA on the year.  Hodgepadre!

Kevin Slowey – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  No walks, but that was only because the Blue Jays never saw a pitch they didn’t like.  To give you an idea of how mediocre this start was, during the better part of the telecast all Blyleven kept talking about is how Slowey doesn’t look right.  Even Roy Smalley got in the act.  Though I’m not sure what Roy Smalley knows about pitching except how not to hit it.

Jose Bautista – Hit his 11th homer yesterday.  At this point, I’m surprised he hit only one in this game.

Wandy Rodriguez – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Wasn’t a great start.  Wouldn’t be surprised if he’s not 100% healthy.

John Ely – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He’s now only walked 3 guys (1 intentional) in 25 and 2/3 innings and has a 3.51 ERA with a 0.94 WHIP.  Yes, you should own him.

Javier Vazquez – Got the win vs. the Red Sox!  Sure, he only pitched one-third of an inning, but baby steps.

Victor Martinez – 2-for-4, 2 solo homers as the Sawx and Yanks combined for 7 homers.  What is everyone doing at Yankee Stadium?  Is it the Macarena?  The Electric Slide?  No, it’s The Jetstream!

Mike Napoli – Hit one home run yesterday and hit another fly ball that just missed going out by about one and half David Ecksteins.  After Napoli returned to the dugout, Scioscia gave him the half head nod that the crusty vet gives the young upstart in all those sports movies.  I dropped some schmohawk catcher for Napoli in one of my leagues.

Derek Holland – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I might sound like an apologist, but this start was better than how the line looks.  Holland had a no-hitter into the 5th inning until Juan Rivera hit an infield single that should’ve been an error then Napoli followed with the homer.

Hank Blalock – 2-for-5 with an RBI as he hit 5th.  It’s not an endorsement.  It’s a Cust kayin’.

Billy Butler – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs as he hit one WTF (Warning Track Fly).  Butler did take care of the game-winning rally.  Know how Butler starts rallies?  By burning his bra.

Here’s what my crystal ball said on March 5th, “(Medlen) averaged over a K an inning last year.  Will start the year as an MR, barring an injury to someone… *cough* Jar Jar *cough*.  Medlen will get into the rotation shortly.  Meesa tinks Jar Jar won’t make it the whole year healthy.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Kris Medlen is now the starter as the Braves wash Jurrjens out of their hair for at least three weeks while he deals with a strained hamstring.  I grabbed Medlen in one league where it made sense.  He gets a tough first matchup going against the Phillies at Citizens Flank.  If Medlen pitches well in his first start, he’ll be added everywhere.  So depending how bad you need him, you add him now or prepare to rush to grab him on Saturday.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jason Heyward – Left yesterday’s game with a sore groin, which would be a good name for a Viagra-type drug, but spelled “soar” and with an exclamation mark.  Oh, and speaking of groins…

Bobby Cox – The congratulatory cake made by the Senate for Bobby Cox had an unfortunate misspelling.  Maybe Jim Eisenreich was the baker.

Andy Pettitte – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks and left with elbow inflammation.  That’s now three of the core four that are sore.  Jeter better take it easy on the pasta diving.

Nick Johnson – 3-for-3 with a homer.  He has a .171 average and a .396 OBP.  That almost seems impossible, right?  Seriously, no joke.  Batting in front of Tex and A-Rod and he leads the league in walks.  Incredible.

Alfredo Aceves – Got the save since Joba was used the last two days.  This was after the Orioles pitched Alfredo Simon.  According to Elias Sports Bureau, this was the first time two guys named after pasta sauce appeared in the same game since Alfredo Griffin and Bolognese Penne squared off in 1982.  Actually, they didn’t say that.  But something that was overheard this week at the Elias Sports Bureau compound, “Thomas, in accounting, broke his own record of 37 minutes when he took 45 minutes to sign a birthday card with ‘Your (sic) the best.’”

Adam Jones – Missed the game with dreckitude, I mean, a hip strain.  He’s supposed to play on Thursday.  Yay.

Ty Wigginton – Hit his 9th homer yesterday.  Or the same amount of homers as Andruw Jones.  That’s only 7 more homers than Teixeira.  Pardon me as I go stick my head in the oven.

Aramis Ramirez – Hey, the power of persuasion worked!  Aramis was moved down the order.  Now how about my Powerball numbers coming in!

Kevin Slowey – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks and lucky to get out with the Win.  Last year, Slowey had screws put in his wrist and now he’s putting the screws to his owners.  The screws seem to be effecting his pinpoint control that made him the pitcher that he was.  In 2009, through 90+ innings, he had 15 walks.  He has 11 through 34+ innings this year.

Denard Span – 11 for his last 22 and has 7 Steals and 19 Runs on the season.  Heading for exactly the type of season I thought he would when I put him down for 100/10/70/.300/22.

David Ortiz – Hit his third homer in four games, while he bats .171.  Yeah, he’s “not done,” he’s just a “very poor imitation of his younger self.”

Huston Street – Supposed to start a rehab assignment on Monday which will put him on schedule to return in about two weeks.

Franklin Morales – His leash got even shorter last night.  If you’re looking for vulture saves, grab Corpas.

Johnny Damon – Left yesterday’s game with a right calf spasm.  Damon is day-to-day, man. (<–almost a palindrome!)

Miguel Cabrera – 2 homers as he took a double shot off the Slow Twin Fizz.

Alex Avila – Hit his first two homers of the season yesterday.  I grabbed him in a deep 2 catcher league hoping this is a sign of a potential breakout.  He does need to do battle with Laird for the starting job, but Laird’s hitting .141 with one homer and a bruised shin.  Not a braised shin though, which is delicious!

Manny Ramirez – Returns on Saturday after playing today for the Inland Empire, which is on the planet Naboo.

Ian Desmond – 1-for-4 with his third homer.  Now has 3 homers and 3 steals, which is yawnstipating while it’s happening, but it’s still 12/12 at the end of the year.  Now someone just needs to convince Riggleman Desmond should be in the two hole and not the crap that is usually there.

Barry Zito – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  His ERA now stands at 1.49.  His xFIP is 4.09, which means he’s getting very lucky, but no one thought Zito was a sub-2 ERA pitcher anyway, right?

Shane Victorino – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer.  Or one more homer than Ryan Howard.  Zoinks!

Carlos Lee – Home run.  Final Lee.

Brandon Morrow – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Frequent commenter, penpen, brought up a good point.  With Romero, Morrow and Cecil, the Jays are like the high risk/high reward hodgepadres.  The hodgepodjays:  They’ll give you Ks and solid games against bad teams.  Then tie you to the WHIPping post and get beat in what should be good matchups.

Adam Lind – 2-for-4, and his fourth homer.  He’s one hot streak away from being exactly where he was last year.  Recognize!  Or don’t.  Your call.

Fred Lewis – 5 for his last 10.  So far in his career he’s had “Grandpa” Al Lewis levels of production, but the Jays are pushing the issue with him as their leadoff man, so maybe the stability can produce the 15/15 season he’s hinted at in the past.

Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Now has back-to-back decent starts.  Yes, I’m a glutton for punishment, but Cueto can pitch well if he finds his groove.

Jose Reyes – 0-for-5 as his average falls to .225.  I’m kinda at the point where I’m glad he’s not batting leadoff so maybe he gets one less at-bat.

Chris Perez – 1 2/3 IP, 3 unearned as he blew the save with the Ticker Shock.

Milton Bradley – Left in the middle of Tuesday’s game telling the manager, “I’m out of here.”  Ironically, Milton Bradley produces Sorry and not Risk.

Jorge Posada’s going to hit 161 home runs (accounting for one rainout, of course), Granderson’s going to win the MVP and Big Papi still sucks.  Oh, and Beckett’s record will be 0-25-1. Yes, a tie.  My crystal ball doesn’t lie, don’t second guess it.  Spring has sprung and baseball’s back.  It’s a good time to be alive.  The flowers smell different, don’t they?  They smell like hot dogs.   Right now, I feel like putting some endangered Chilean sea bass on the grill, an Olde English in an oversized cozy and kicking back for the next six months while the sounds of baseball dance in my head.   Oh, and win all my fantasy baseball leagues; that would be nice too.  The number one thing you don’t want to do in the next few weeks is overrate anything you see.  You’re not winning your league in the first few weeks, but you can lose it.  As inviting as Brett Gardner seems right now, don’t drop A-Rod for him.  Even if A-Rod cheats.  Brett Gardner’s an intriguing name in deep leagues.  Just don’t jump out the window until you see how real the fire is.  On the other hand, don’t ignore what goes on these first few weeks.  This is when The ‘08 Nadys (<–great band name) get signed, but is also when the ’09 Bonifacios open for them.  Anyway, here’s what I saw this weekend for fantasy baseball:

Jon Rauch – Officially the closer for the Twins.  Old news at this point.  But, as far as I’m concerned, old news is better than new news because saying new news sounds dumb.  Who are you, Starship singing Sara, Sara… Sara, Sara?  I get it.  One Sara would suffice.  No reason why Rauch can’t be completely effective as the closer, or effective until July when the Twins trade for Bell.  Rauch is a sneaky donkeycorn, which is redundant because all donkeycorns are sneaky.  It’s in their DNA.  In all the leagues I had Guerrier, and it was quite a few, I dropped him and grabbed Duchscherer.

Justin Duchscherer – When healthy, he’s pitched well.  When not healthy, you DL or drop him.  He’s a Bennis Carpensheeter.

Andrew Bailey – Limped off the field on Saturday with grabbing in his knee.  *sad trombone*  Bailey says he’ll be fine for Opening Day.  I say it’ll be a miracle if he gets through April healthy.  With Wuertz *pinkie to mouth* hurtz, I grabbed Ziegler and dropped Duchscherer in one league.  Yes, in the matter of two blurbs I’ve added two guys and dropped two guys.  That’s how I roll.

Gio Gonzalez – Named the A’s fifth starter.  I already dazzled your retinas with why to own Gio Gonzalez.  Gio’s 1980 Belushi wild, but he’s also pretty unhittable.  He could easily be the AL’s answer to Jorge de la Rosa.  Oh, and Gio pitches in a pitcher’s park.  Hello, melons, I like to squeeze.

Coco Crisp – Fractured his pinkie.  And the breaks keep coming for the A’s.  I mean good breaks.  Bee tee dubya, Fox didn’t crack the lineup even without Crisp.  Let us say, radicchio.

Jack Cust – Geez, is this an all A’s roundup?  Cust was designated for assignment.  Still… No Fox!  Eric Chavez will be the primary DH.  As far as Chavez can limp, DH may as well stand for designated hamstring.  Chavez doesn’t need Macho Camacho to knock him out, a strong gust of wind will do.  Fox will see his share of ABs this year.  Elias Sports Bureau said Jake Fox is the first super-utility man in the history of baseball who can’t play defense.  Actually, they didn’t say that, but something that was overheard this week in the Elias Sports Bureau compound, “On Monday, Peter, in accounting, imitated the dramatic prairie dog a record 17 times.”

Nate McLouth – Hamstring’s fine, will play on Opening Day.  This guy really fell off the map in drafts.  See no reason why he can’t give you a 20/20 season with a mediocre average.

Luis Valbuena – Bruised his hand and will miss a few days.  Grudzielanek will fill-in for him.  Somewhere the guy who has to sew the last names on the Indians’ jerseys groans.

John Bowker – Won the starting job over Schierholtz.  That’s like beating conjoined twins in a race to put on pants.

Scott Kazmir – To the 15-day DL.  No way!  C’mon!  Really?  He’s only supposed to miss two starts.  And I was only supposed to write a blog for a few months back in 2007.  Oh-kay.

Jeff Francis – Rockies placed him on the DL.  In other news, who cares?

Seth Smith – Will start over Dexter Fowler on Opening Day.  It’s only Opening Day, but Fowler’s value could take a hit moving forward. Unless we can somehow coax Brad Hawpe to run into a wall.  Smith’s a great pickup in deep mixed leagues and NL-Only leagues.  His bat has never been the issue.  Playing time has.

Aroldis Chapman – Sent to Triple-A.  He’ll be back at some point.  June is my guess.  Filling in for him is…

Mike Leake -The first 1st (geez, so much redundancy in this post) round pick to make it to the major leagues from last year’s amateur draft (you know, the one with Strasburg).  Leake has quality control and strikeout stuff.  I’d grab him in keepers and NL-Only leagues.  Just remember Homer Bailey was a highly touted pitcher and we’re still waiting for him.  For every rookie phenom, there’s a few roofies in your drink and you wake up in Guatemala watching a high school production of My Fair Lady.

Mike Jacobs – Staying in the “Mike” genre, Jacobs will be in a blahtoon with Fernando Tatis.  I understand the Mets are biding their time until Ike Davis is ready, but they couldn’t have went after a 1st baseman this offseason.  The Mets are a big market team, right?  Cause I could’ve sworn New York qualified for that distinction.  The Mets really need to move past minayal and get on with pain and guilt.

Dustin Pedroia – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a HR yesterday.  He says he wants to go for 20 homers.  That would be a record for a Sparky Anklebiter.

Kevin Youkilis – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and hit his first and probably only triple this year.  Assist from Nick Swisher when his route to the Youk triple was through Beacon Street.

Josh Beckett – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Last year, his April ERA was 7.22.

CC Sabathia – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Another notoriously slow starter.  He’ll be fine.  Long season, yadda².

Brett Gardner – 2-for-4, steal of home.  You tell Raphael that Brett Gardner ain’t taking no jive from no Western Union messenger.

Jorge Posada – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs, HR, one manly pat on the butt from Andy Pettitte.

Nick Johnson – 0-for-3, hurt himself on Friday, but played yesterday.  If you have Johnson on your team and you need him to stay healthy, it’s like needing farts to not smell.

While the merits of what someone is hitting or not hitting in Spring Training can be debated, where they are hitting or not hitting is important to look at.  First, I want you to refresh your pretty little brain with the impact of lineup position on Runs and RBIs.  Welcome back!  Anyway, here’s some players whose value dips or shoots up (easy, Hamilton) due to 2010 lineup position:

Alexei Ramirez – He tends to start the season slow and he’s slated to bat ninth.  That’s a recipe for yawnstipation.

Ben Zobrist - Here’s what I said about Zobrist in the 2010 fantasy baseball rankings, “Zobrist’s homers don’t seem as fluky as they might appear.  He maintained a 17.5 HR/FB in 2009 and a 17.4 HR/FB in 2008.  Granted, that was a smaller sample size.  So he may look like David Eckstein, but the only thing they have in common is neither is Jewish though their names sound like they are.  Zobrist’s average seems out there; he looks closer to a .270 hitter.  He was a utility man coming into 2009 and I wouldn’t be surprised if he left 2010 back in that role.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Well, I could be wrong.  Zobrist will be hitting third for the Rays.  The doubts I had about Zobrist coming into this season are a bit assuaged by this lineup position.  I still don’t think Zobrist hitting third will last the whole year, but who goes from hitting third at the start of the year to the bench?  Oh, wait…

Casey Kotchman – Should hit third against righties.  Look at Casey making a play for fantasy value!  Unfortunately, he probably won’t play against lefties with Garko stealing ABs.  If you can somehow work a platoon of Kotchman into your fantasy lineup (I’m thinking mostly AL-Only leagues), Casey could be a steal.  Damn, every time I say I’m done with a player, they pull me back in.  So who’s hitting third vs. lefties? Glad you asked, random italicized voice.

Franklin Gutierrez – Will hit third vs. lefties.  Though The Big FraGu is slotted into the 7 hole vs. righties, hitting in front of the catcher and Jack Wilson.  On the bright side, this is contingent on the health of Bradley and Griffey Jr., who’s now older than Griffey Sr. from when you remember him.

Jose Bautista – Hitting leadoff.  That could also be the answer to, “Where did all of Aaron Hill’s RBIs go?”

Travis Snider – Currently stuck between John Buck and Alex Gonzalez.  That’s like the middle seat between Afa and Sika.

Gaby Sanchez – This could change, but right now he looks like he’s stuck in the eight hole.  Luckily, no one’s actually drafted him anywhere, except for me.  Yay me.

Shane Victorino – This move has been covered by me numerous times before, but, yeah, he’s in the 7 hole and Crapolanco is appropriately enough in the two hole.

Ian Desmond – Batting 2nd.  “Mr. Desmond, roses just arrived from you.”  “Who are they from?”  “Grey from Razzball.”  “Put them in the pile with the chocolates he sent yesterday.”

Marlon Byrd – The five hole.  He’s going to prove to be so borderline mixed league worthy, I have a feeling there will be at least 1700 comments this year asking me if they should drop (Insert Schmohawk) and pick up Byrd.

Orlando Cabrera – O-Cab’s in the two hole.  He’ll probably be more valuable than most middle infielders that are owned more than him, but what freakin’ fun is it owning Orlando Cabrera?

Jay Bruce – Until Rolen gets injured, Bruce is in the 6 hole.  Bruce could be this year’s Kemp in regards to a losing value from lineup position.

Julio Borbon – Will be hitting on top of a very potent lineup.  Borbon will have to really struggle to not have a huge year.

Elvis Andrus – He has not left the building, but he has parked in the nine hole.

Albert Callaspo – Hitting third.  For all of you crazy excited about Butler this year.  He’s hitting in this lineup:  DeJesus, Podsednik, Callaspo, Butler, Ankiel, Guillen, Betancourt, Kendall and Getz.  There’s about eight names there that wouldn’t make the starting lineup for any other team.  Fun times!

Magglio Ordonez – I really don’t think he’s ownable anywhere, but he’s set to bat third.  I could probably knock in 90 and score 90 in the three hole of a major league lineup.

Scott Sizemore – Will be allowed to ferment in the 8 hole as he proves his mettle for a month or two.  I have a feeling that I might be jumping off the Scott Sizemore bandwagon sooner vs. later.  We shall see.

Erick Aybar – Leading off for the Angels. Will get Runs, some steals and average, poor homers and RBIs.  His stats are like looking at Yunel’s in the mirror.  I will call you, lenuY.

Garrett Jones – Will bat third.  If you can have a fantasy lineup of mostly three hole hitters, you’re at least pointing in the right direction.

Colby Rasmus – Batting in front of Pujols.  A 2001 Bonds would get pitches to hit in front of Pujols.

Carlos Gonzalez and Dexter Fowler – Top of the Rockies order.  That’s rated 3 M for Mmm…

Everth Cabrera – At some point, I hope the Padres make the right decision and put EverCab at the top of the order, but I don’t think it’s happening out of the gate.

Pablo Sandoval – Hitting third behind Rowand and Renteria, which sounds like a VD clinic.

Nick Johnson – Hitting 2nd for the Yankees.  Johnson has a .400+ career OBP.  Last I checked the Yankees scored a lot of runs.  Anyone want any action on the over/under for the amount of times Johnson’s on second and gets held at 3rd on a single?  65? 70?

Nolan Reimold – I’m not even sure he’s in the lineup.  Trembley’s talking about starting Pie.  How dare you judge, Reimold!  Doode, your team’s going nowhere fast — play Reimold!  Sorry, this has nothing to do with this post.  But I thought some of you might not have heard and I didn’t want to do a whole post on this, though I did have the title, Effin’ Pie.

Alcides Escobar – Batting at the bottom of the lineup for right now, but Weeks is one aggressive burp away from the DL.