Fantasy Baseball Advice

Kila Ka’aihue went 3-for-3, 4 Runs, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  Also, he just missed a third homer that ended up a triple.  Mauna Kila!  He hasn’t hit for much average so far in the major leagues.  Or is it ma’ajor leagues?  His plate discipline is in impeccable and the peasant Royals would be wise to give him a starting job next spring, which could make him a sleeper for 2011 fantasy baseball.  But you put the wise moves the Royals make in one hand and the stupid moves in the other hand and you’ll need the empty hand that was supposed to hold the wise moves to help hold up the stupid moves hand.  Then have someone else move everything off the counter so there’s room to balance the weight of both hands that have become stupid move hands.  Then get some Lysol because it smells like rancid onions.  Oh, and Kila has another homer in the last week and is worth playing in the final week if you’ve lost some other players.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Josh Fields – Now 4 for his last 8 with 2 homers.  It must be ‘games don’t matter’ time, because the Royals look terrific.  Fields is worth a flier if you’re looking for a hot bat.

Jarrod Dyson – Promise this is the last Royal I’ll talk about.  Dyson is 1 for his last 23.  So why is it I own him on multiple teams?  Cause he also has 4 steals in that time.  SAGNOF!

Eric Young Jr. – With a bad case of the shins, Young’s done for the year and left wincing the night away.

Melvin Mora – 2-for-4 with a bunch of multiple hit games in the last week.  Yes, that’s all the optimism I can manage.  He’s hitting, what do you want?  (BTW, Nice job by the Colorado Chokies.  You can’t beat the Dodgers?  Really?  That’s pretty pathetic.)

Casey Blake – 2-for-5, 2 homers.  Yes, every borderline corner infidel is hot this week.  Thanks for asking.

Kenley Jansen – Got his 2nd save this week, but Kuo’s still the closer.  What I think is going on is Torre’s trying to burn out as many bullpen arms as he can in his final week for old times’ sake.

Adam Wainwright – La Russa, wearing a shirt made of veggie burgers, announced Wainwright’s done for the year.

Martin Prado – Also, done for the year.  He said this will give him more time to catch up on the episodes of I Love Money that he missed.  Hope he’s not too disappointed with the early elimination of 20 Pack.

Miguel Cabrera – Sounds like he’s done too.  No official word, but if you’re reading Leyland’s smoke signals, that’s what’s being said.

Carlos Beltran – Left the game with knee discomfort.  Wouldn’t surprise me if he were done for the year.  Don’t worry, Mets fans, Minaya’s working on a trade of Beltran’s knee for Chipper Jones’ lower back.

Randy Wolf – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He’ll get the Reds in the last game of the season, which should be an absolute walk as I’m sure Dusty will sit everyone.  Hmm… That was weird.  I was thinking like Dusty Baker and I suddenly wanted to chew a toothpick and throw Harang for 175 pitches.

Edinson Volquez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Solid start, but this isn’t about that.  His next start (if there is one) will be the last game and, as previously mentioned, the Reds are going to be playing the game like an split squad spring training game.  I wouldn’t start Volquez in most leagues.

David Price – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Wouldn’t be surprised if this is the last game of the season for Price.  Sorry, Price owners, would mean no Sunday vs. the Royals and Sean O’Sullied.  If he does start, Price may only go a few innings to stay fresh.

CC Sabathia – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks as he further confused Joe Morgan and how he’s not a landslide Cy Young winner.  Someone give Joe one of those water dunking birds to stare at.

Travis Snider – 2-for-4 with his third homer in the last week while he bats near .350.  Almost making Cito look good for batting Snider leadoff… Well, no, Snider leading off still looks silly, but he is hitting.

Mat Latos – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I appreciate his efforts to bring his value down for next year’s drafts.  The real shame is the Padres might’ve overworked Latos to the point where he could be a mess next year and they might not make the playoffs either.

Carlos Pena – 1-for-2 with his 28th homer.  It almost goes without saying if he got a hit, it must’ve been a homer.  He doesn’t do those other kinds of hits.  Now Pena only needs 11 more homers to get to my preseason projection.  Get cracking!

Anibal Sanchez – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Anibal gets the Pirates in the last start of the year.  I’d throw him (her?) there.

Ryan Braun – Scratched with a stomach flu.  I’m not accusing anyone, but my H2H opponent poisoned Braun’s oatmeal so I couldn’t play him.  Okay, I am accusing someone.

Nick Blackburn – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  As I said last week, “Blackburn has around a 3.5 K/9.  To use the parlance of Johnnie Cochran, that’s egregious.  That’s an inning for Carlos Marmol.  Blackburn gets more bat contact than a wannabe-WAG.  When Twins fans go to a Nick Blackburn start, they bring so few K signs that they look racist.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Since there’s no Ks, it’s than but no thans for Blacburn’s last start.

Kelly Johnson – 2-for-3 with his 7th homer in September, after hitting 9 homers in April.  Someone likes the change of seasons.

Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Gets the Astros for his final game of the season, which isn’t a bad start to go out on.

Alfonso Soriano – Hit his 23rd and 24th homers last night.  He might be having the worst 24 homer season in the history of baseball.  67 Runs?  Blech.  78 RBIs?  Belch.  5 steals?  Whatever.  .257 average?  Al-So’s so-so.

Jimmy Rollins – Returned to the lineup and went 1-for-3.  It’s the last week of the season, forget name value.  There’s probably a dozen guys more valuable for this last week.

Jose Contreras – Gave up a run and lost the game to the Nats.  It’s the curse of being on the cover of the AARP Magazine.

Adam Dunn – Hit his 38th homer yesterday.  The Nats have four more games for Dunn to hit two more homers or the world will explode.

Justin Smoak – Last roundup, I said, “I’d give Smoak a go for his last two games in Texas.”  Yesterday, he hit another homer.  Right now, there’s a fire burning under Smoak.

Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks to move to 13-12 on the year with a 2.27 ERA.  Says he’ll pitch on Sunday so he has one more start for the M’s offense to abandon him and let him get back to .500.  I will now bludgeon Jose Lopez with Chone Figgins’ arm.

Jose Lopez – Left the game with a dislocated middle finger.  I’m sure anyone that drafted Lopez can locate a middle finger for him.

The last hurrah, it’s been a long, strange trip. Insert your own cliché. The last week of fake baseball is here and if you’re still fighting for a championship, now is not the time to get cute. Because it will cost you. Play who is hot, that’s the best advice I can give, guys are getting shut down left and right. Take all your allegiances to high draft picks swallow your pride and start guys who generally wouldn’t be playing. For pitching, however, the last week is kinda sketchy, as I wouldn’t trust too many 2 start guys that are going this week, so I’ll give you the abridged version of who I would go with. It’s been a great year and I hope that I have helped or, if you’re in a league with me, hurt your chances at winning. For the last time in 2010, here are the 2 start pitchers for fantasy baseball that will be semi useful, good luck.

Dallas Braden (@Ana vs. Haren) (@Sea vs. Hernandez)
He can’t wait for the season to be over so he can go on the professional bridge tour with his grandma. He is a guy who will get more love than he is worth next year. Sneaky good ERA, not enough Ks. 1-2 on the year vs. ANA, 1-1 vs. Sea.

Carlos Carrasco (Det vs. Galarraga) (@ChW vs. Jackson)
Hasn’t allowed more than 3 ER in any start. Quickly rising up the ‘Shhh Chart’ for next year. ERA at home is halved, only 2 starts though. Great makeup of pitches and will only be 24 next year. Sounds good to me, where does that line start for next year?

Tim Stauffer (ChC vs. Zambrano) @SF vs. Cain)
Any SD pitcher looks awesome right now. They are in pennant race and all pitch to miniscule numbers. Only 3 start sample but has allowed 5 ER in 17 innings. Will steal you 5K’s a start. Game vs. SF may be a all hands on deck affair for the Fathers so keep that in mind.

Brad Bergesen (@TB vs. Davis) (Det vs. Galarraga)
I was high on him in March. Took about 6 months to figure it out. Last 5 starts 3-1 1.54 ERA, holy hell. That includes 2 starts versus the Sawx and one versus the Yanks. No K’s, will get slapped around hit-wise.

Nick Blackburn (@KC vs. O’Sullivan) (Tor vs. Rzepczynski)
Sounds like an Air force pilot or a spokesman for skin cream. Anywho, .213 BAA, 1.81 ERA since late-August. Minny is coasting into the playoffs. Side note is Morneau taking forever to come back from a concussion or what?

Alex Sanabia (@Atl vs. Minor) (Pit vs. Morton)
On here as my favorite ‘crappy pitcher good matchup’ for this week. ATL is mailing it in ala St. Louis, and well Pitt is Pitt. 2.59 ERA last 3 starts. Caveat:  2 bad defeats against ATL.

Doesn’t Danny Valencia sound like a bad actor’s stage name?  “For my audition, I’m going to do the scene ‘Eating the Old 96er’ from The Great Outdoors.”  Okay, try not to choke.  (Quick side note:  My aunt used to date Danny Aiello.  But not Danny Aiello, the actor.  A different Danny Aiello.  It was like McDowell’s vs. McDonald’s.  “They got the Golden Arches, mine is the Golden Arcs.”  I’d tell people, “Yeah, I was at dinner with Danny Aiello.”  My friends would be, “Danny Aiello?!”  “Yeah, Danny Aiello!”  Then my friends would make excuses to come over and be like, “That’s not Danny Aiello!”  And I’d be like, “That’s Danny Aiello!”  Then one day we were at a restaurant and who walks in but the real Danny Aiello.  It was like when Lorraine attempts to escape the house, but encounters her 2015 counterpart and faints.)  So Valencia is hitting over .400 at home, where the Twins are the final week.  Yes, over .400.  He also has 3 homers in the last week.  Here’s hoping he can make the magic last for more than one night or week.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Melvin Mora – This schmohawk is usually Melvin Van Feebles, but he’s hitting well in the last week and there’s no guarantee Mini-Mini Donkey will be inserted right back into the lineup.

Mike Aviles – It must be the end of the season when I’m heavily promoting a guy who’s barely above Crapolanco’s production.

Chris Johnson – As they say at bachelorette parties, this Johnson’s hot.

Wilson Betemit – Geez, how many corner infidels can be hot in the final week?  I’ll answer that right after I dump Sandoval and his Shirley Hemphill-lookalike body.

Chris Carter – This isn’t a buy for this year, but, if you’re in a keeper, I’d take a flier on Carter just to see how things play out this winter.

Danny Espinosa – Blah blah blah Espinosa!  Blah blah blah Buy!  Blah blah blah Dracula!

Randy Wolf – He appeared in the borderline starters post for last week.  Before that, he went out with your Moms and did her wrong.  So I don’t fully trust him, but he’s been lights out.

Edwin Jackson – Really only listed here because he gets 2 starts in the final week and the final one is vs. the Indians and their $24 of trinkets.

Carlos Zambrano – Has been great since returning to the rotation and also gets 2 starts in the final week.  Last start is vs. the Astros.  Hello, sexy, what’s your name?

Nick Blackburn – Just went over my Nick Blackburn fantasy.  It’s a fascinating read, I count only three typos.  Or is that, tipe-ohs?  Anyhoo!  Blackburn’s set for two starts next week, but I imagine the 2nd start will be shortened or skipped since the ‘offs.

Tim Stauffer – This is Grey, the Not-Really-Greek’s Double Yahtzee pick of the week!  Two starts, one at home, one in San Fran.

Alex Sanabia – I actually picked him up in one league for his two starts, but I’m not excited about it.  How’s that for selling a Buy?!

Carlos Carrasco – And last of the two start pitchers for next week that have a legit chance of appearing on any of my teams.  And, yes, Carrasco sounds like a luchador.

David Murphy – If you haven’t picked up Murphy yet, you’re probably not paying attention anyway.  It’s a shame, you could’ve been a contender.

Michael Morse – Something tells me he won’t be hot by next Tuesday, but there’s only, like, ten more days of season left, so what the eff in the coolie hole.

Will Venable – I think I’ve mentioned this before, but Venable is the 2nd fastest guy in the majors after Crawford, according to Bill James’ Speed Score.  Tied with Brett Gardner and ahead of Michael Bourn, Reyes, Stubbs, Victorino…  Don’t just stare, say something!  Okay, maybe I’m the only one that finds that interesting.

Jarrod Dyson – He’s fast.  That’s all I got.  I’m not sure he’ll play and he’ll never hit for power.  He’s like a non-French Juan Pierre.

Clay Hensley – SAGNOF!

Chris Sale – See Hensley, Clay.  Or 1/8th of an inch above.

Craig Breslow – Michael Wuertz’ thumb is huertz and Ziegler throws like a girl.

Phil Coke – In a blind taste test, 4 out of 5 SAGNOF’ers choose Ryan Pepsi, but Coke is it.

Juan Gutierrez – I like Kirk Gibson.  He was a fist pumping fool before Vinny.  Though I think making Gutierrez the closer was reason enough for him to never manage another game, let alone get signed on for next year, but mine is not to reason why.

SELL

Ted Lilly – I’m actually a fan of Lilly, but he has two starts left and his next start is in Coors.  Blech.

Andrew Bailey – See Jose Valverde.

Jose Valverde – See Andrew Bailey.

Joe Mauer – Unless your league counts the playoffs, you need someone else.

Zack Greinke – Kinda depends on your shituation but I dropped Greinke in the one league I have him for a two start pitcher.  And it felt great!  Sayonora, schmohawk!

Any Pitcher That Has Pitched His Last Start – Maximize your lineup spots with middle relievers for vulture wins or other starters.  It’s that time, friends.  Good luck!

Give that dog a bone!  Wait, what?  Yesterday, Nick Blackburn went 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Usually after a team clinches their division, they wake up like it’s Ash Wednesday and they were on Bourbon Street for Fat Tuesday.  Not dem Twinkies, I tell ya! (Well, who else is telling you?  Am I right?  Or am I right right?)  Even with their B lineup, they made the Indians look C.  (Hehe, I said looksie!  Twice now.)  Blackburn was in last week’s borderline starter post twice (a new one comes this afternoon) and he hasn’t had a bad start since July.  You know what you should do with Blackburn?  Powder him in sugar and dunk him in my coffee? Are you drunk, random italicized voice?  *lowers eyes*  No. You should grab him for his next start vs. the Royals, but my enthusiasm for Blackburn doesn’t run deep if you can fathom that.  (pun point!)  Blackburn has around a 3.5 K/9.  To use the parlance of Johnnie Cochran, that’s egregious.  That’s an inning for Carlos Marmol.  Blackburn gets more bat contact than a wannabe-WAG.  When Twins fans go to a Nick Blackburn start, they bring so few K signs that they look racist.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Hanley Ramirez – Sat out yesterday as Hanley wasn’t feeling very manly.  You know what makes me feel manly?  Rubbing banana pudding on my chest and running through the zoo.  The Marlins are hinting Hanley’s gonna be shutdown for the year.  I’ve been hinting that for the last three days.

Carlos Carrasco – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Hasn’t had one bad start since his recall and gets the Tigers next.

Juan Pierre – 2-for-3 and his 60th steal.  I am the King of SAGNOF!  Now get me my mead!  And maybe a crumpet.

Chris Carter – 1-for-3 with his first major league homer.  Oh, it’s on!  Or at least it will be in the offseason when I pimp this guy out with my fantasy bedazzler.

Brett Anderson – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K.  The injuries helped bring his value back to earth for next year’s draft.  It’ll be a nice buy opportunity or my name isn’t Grey “Left Eye” Albright.

Brad Ziegler – Blew the save but that was because Breslow has been used the last few days and Wuertz’ thumb huertz.

Sean Burnett – Got the save as Storen was either out with ‘he threw on Tuesday’ or ‘he wasn’t good on Tuesday or Sunday.’  One’s good, two’s not, three’s company.

Danny Espinosa – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer.  In his short career, he’s had more ups and downs than Mattingly and Morganna in the summer of ’85.  As pointed out whenever that was I pointed it out, Espinosa K’d a lot in the minors and that makes for a hitter that’s streaky like Bret Boone’s hair.

Michael Morse – 1-for-3 with his 2 homer in 4 days.  It’s like the Nats grow Josh Willinghams in the outfield.

Adam Dunn – Left the game after being hit on the elbow by a pitch.  He said it was the “most pain I’ve ever had in baseball.  Even more than that time I slide into home with four cheesesteaks in my back pocket.  Actually that was awesome.”  Dunn said he should be good by tomorrow.

Roy Oswalt – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 1 Walk, 8 Ks, No Win.  Bleeping motherbleeper!

Max Scherzer – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I’m not sure yet where he’s going to be drafted next year, but I’m taking a ticket and getting in line.

Ryan Raburn – 2-for-3, hitting over .300 in the last week with 2 homers.  2 more starts at 2nd base and he gets eligibility there for next year.  Somebody kidnap Will Rhymes for two days.  Please and thank you.

Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs.  So far in his career, he’s only hit one homer that wasn’t followed by several more.  It’s a shot in the dark, but Alvarez might be a big play for the next week.

Carlos Beltran – 3-for-5 and his 5th homer.  I doubt I touch him even next year.  Metco, aging guy who was adding value with speed that is now declining and injury-prone.  Belchtran.

Jose Lopez – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and 3 homers.  Nice of you to show up one game this year.

Randy Wells – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Giants.  I was thinking this might be a decent start, but Wells has been all over the map this year, so it’s tough to recommend him. With that said, i.e., here comes the opposite, he goes to Petco in his next start, then gets the Astros.

Joey Votto – Out of the lineup again with a sinus infection.  Who is he, Felix Unger?

Johnny Cueto – 1 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  That one’s for LaRue.

Prince Fielder – Brewers scored 13 runs and Fielder went 0-for-2 with one run and RBI.  Ticker tease!  Though it’s been like a ticker season.

Dan Johnson – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer in the last week.  Can he stay hot for another week plus?  Can a pig fly?  Yes, with a catapult.  Guess what I’m saying is it’s possible and worth a shot.

Evan Longoria – 2-for-4 with his 22nd homer to go along with 15 steals.  Wait, I know that impression!  It’s David Wright.  Pretty sad when the big power guys in the league have 22 homers and 15 steals.  Did they start testing for HGH and no one told me?

Carlos Pena – Sounds like he might get some extended rest heading into the ‘offs.  Back date this to the last time he was hot, which was like 3 months ago.

Stephen Drew – 1-for-3 with the always tasty slam & legs.  That’s back-to-back games with steals and he’s hitting over .300 in the last week.  Okay, it’s not much, but for Drew it’s practically MVP numbers.

Kelly Johnson – Now has two homers in two games and 4 homers this week.  In like a lion, out like a lion.

Tim Stauffer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He gets the Cubs at home and the Giants in San Fran.  Since the Padres are battling for the playoffs, I’d grab Stauffer for next week.

Yadier Molina – Headed home to have his knee examined.  Tough blow for people in leagues that only use Molinas.

Pablo Sandoval – 0-for-2, .263 average on the year with 12 homers.  Kung F.U. Panda is more like it.

Last week’s ERA was 2.44.  That’s 22 earned runs in 81 innings.  The WHIP was 1.28.  That’s 104 baserunners.   Had 5 Wins and 58 Ks.  (That’s minus Thursday’s Westbrook start because, well, it’s Thursday.)  Not too shabby on the ERA considering the schmohawks I recommended last week.  Obviously, I’m just as unlucky with Wins with these borderline starters as I am in my real leagues.  This offseason September Grey is going to Hawaii to see if he can find the Tiki idol that is cursing his win karma and seeing if he can’t fix this problem.  To recap, these aren’t guys I’d drop anyone worthwhile to get, these starters are meant for streaming purposes and all of their ownership in ESPN is under 50%.  These streamers are in no particular order.  Also, in the final month of the season, managers juggle their lineups more, so there’s no guarantee all of these guys are listed on the right day.  Anyway, here’s some borderline starters for this week in fantasy baseball:

Friday, September 17th

Nick Blackburn – As I keep recommending him, I’m probably pushing my luck — or my Bluckburn — but he gets the A’s and has an under 2.00 ERA in his last 31+ IP.

Carlos Carrasco – Be impressive if I get out of this day without one blow up, but I continue to impress myself every day.

Wade Davis – All of these guys are risky so far, but that’s the nature of borderline starters, I suppose.  Here’s hoping when Davis goes against the Angels, Scioscia decides to bench all his best hitters.  Start Mathis at DH, get his bat in the lineup!

Ian Kennedy – If these were in any sorta order, Kennedy would be number one for this day.

Randy Wolf – Has had some success vs. the Giants (really, what pitcher hasn’t?) and coincidentally that’s who he faces on Friday.

Saturday, September 18th

Jhoulys Chacin – Didn’t look terrific in his last start vs. the Diamondbacks, but he gets Ks.  Some teams need those sorts of things.

Tommy Hunter – Facing the M’s in the aptly named stadium, Safeco.

James McDonald – A capable strikeout pitcher going against the Diamondhacks.

Kevin Slowey – I was thinking it’s kinda sad that he’s not owned in 50% of ESPN leagues, then I thought about how he’s pitched this year and that made me sadder.

Sunday, September 19th

Joe Blanton – Besides a game in Coors, where you wouldn’t have started him anyway, he hasn’t been hit in over a month.

Derek Lowe – Not a huge fan of Lowe, but goes to Metco.  That’s a decent gamble, no relation to Rudy.

Chris Narveson – Was solid in last year’s 2nd half, goes against the Aints and has been racking up Ks.

Monday, September 20th

Brian Duensing – Has been lucky and doesn’t get many Ks, but does go against the Indians in this start.

Bud Norris – Risky but the reward could be huge with Ks.

Tuesday, September 21st

Mark Buehrle – Pretty much the polar opposite of Bud Norris.  I can guess Buehrle’s line:  7 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.

Jake Westbrook – Hasn’t had one bad start since he was traded to the Cards.  Forget Annie Sullivan, Dave Duncan’s the miracle worker.

Wednesday, September 22nd

Nick Blackburn – Yes, I recommended Blackburn twice in this post.  So shoot me.

Anibal Sanchez – Has alternated good start with bad start for a while now.  This start vs. the Mets falls in the good.