Fantasy Baseball Advice

Snap, snap, claw, claw, save.  That’s The Save Vulture Dance.  Snap, snap, claw, claw, save…  Sing it like it’s The Electric Slide.  The save vulture is a scavenger bird.  They see weakness in others’ misfortune.  A closer goes down or struggles and the save vulture swoops in and gnaws on the closer’s handcuff.  Peck, Jim Johnson, peck.  Peck, Joel Peralta, peck-peck.  The save vultures are indigenous to rural and metropolitan areas, especially if there’s an injury.  Goodbye, Brian Wilson.  Hello, Sergio Romo, Santiago Casilla and Jeremy Affeldt.  Save vultures have trouble reproducing because they’re usually overweight guys who would prefer to listen to sports news than what the girl they’re dating is talking about.  “How does my manicure look?”  “Very pretty, Manny Acosta.”   “Did you just call me, Manny Acosta?”  “No.”  Joakim Soria has tightness in his hamstring; the save vulture has limberness in its loins that only Greg Holland can satiate.  If you need closers, there’s quite a few of them out there right now.  There’s also quite a few that you can drop.  Member when you were my closer, Fernando Salas?  Fernando Salas, “I don’t know who you are and why are you sitting on my couch in the dark?”  Doesn’t matter cause I just dropped you for Jason Motte and it felt great.  Snap, snap, claw, claw, save…  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Lonnie Chisenhall – Why don’t you pick up Lonnie Chisenhall?  Afraid of success?  That’s what your ex-wife would say.

Brent Morel – Has 4 homers in the last week with one of them coming off Porcello in a battle of the mushrooms that had the Smurfs gasping.

Juan Francisco – I went over my Juan Francisco fantasy the other day.  I wrote it while huffing grape-scented magic markers.

Omar Infante – If I was teammates with Infante, I’d be like, “What’s up, Toddler?!”  Then he’d be like, “It’s Infante, not Infant-e.”  “That’s cool, Toddler!”  He’d probably hate me.  It’s a’ight, I usually hate him, but right now he’s hitting (.346 in the last week).

Paul Goldschmidt – I’ll probably go all in with Goldschmidt next year, but he’s still a little raw.  To put that in Hell’s Kitchen-speak, if you’re owning Goldschmidt now, you’re probably walking with scallops about a minute early.

Derrek Lee – Back in the 50′s, when Lee was particpating in “Duck and Cover” drills, I wonder how he used to get under the desk.  Any the hoo!  He’s hitting, so there’s that.

Ryan Raburn – He hit two homers this week, and, yeah, I have a hard time trusting him too.  Appropriate his name contains ‘burn’ cause he’s done it to me a bunch of times.

Dee Gordon – Over the last week, he’s looked pretty lost at the plate but he could steal 5 bases this weekend.  It’s like that old joke; you own Gordon cause you need the eggs.

Marco Scutaro – He’s been hitting the cover off the ball Roy Hobbs-style.  Though, hitting the cover off the ball Marco Scutaro-style means one homer and a couple of doubles.

Jon Jay – Even before the Holliday injury, Jay was starting and hitting.  Jon Jay Jingleheimer Schmidt is my fifth outfielder and can be your fifth outfielder too.

Allen Craig – Now he should get extra playing time because of Holliday’s injury.  He reminds me of the best and worst of Infante.  Cute, but peeing in your face when you change his diaper.

Drew Pomeranz – (Or Matt Moore or Brad Peacock or Shelby Miller or any other top pitching prospect.)  These adds are more for dynasty and keeper leagues.  As for other starters at this time of year, they’re all either addable or droppable depending on their matchups.  If you want some under 50% owned starters, look at my borderline fantasy starter post from yesterday.

Wilin Rosario – The Rockies moved on from Iannetta.  In Double-A, Rosario had 21 homers in 426 plate appearances and only walked 19 times.  Sounds like the Rockies found themselves Miguel Olivo Jr.  I will now call you Miguelito, The Tiny Olive.  I wouldn’t run out and add Rosario outside of NL-Only keepers and deep two catcher leagues.

SELL

Adam Jones – Hey, he’s making himself undervalued for next year.  We can appreciate that, right?

Nelson Cruz – He might start, uh, starting games tomorrow or Sunday.  Then he might sit for a day, start, sit, etc. etc. etc.  If you have room to switch him back and forth from your bench, then you hold him.  Otherwise, I want someone I can trust to play.

Kevin Youkilis – Youuuuuuuk looks like puuuuuuke.

Mark Reynolds – He’s in one of his 6 for 40 stretches that makes you want to reconsider your Mini Donkey tattoo.  Or at least it does for me.  Stupid permanent ink.

Carlos Quentin – Ozzie’s currently infatuated with De Aza and Viciedo, which is fine by me.  I’m not hatin’, I’m statement statin’.

Scott Rolen is out for the season.  It’s time to go gorilla!  I don’t even know what that means.  Random Italicized Voice, no one knows what it means, but it’s provocative!  If you got some risk to burn in deeper leagues at corner infidel, get in on Juan Francisco.  I talked a bit yesterday about how I’m gonna go caca-cuckoo on Francisco next year if he has a starting job.  I’m gonna be like a cyclops wearing a monocle.  Why a cyclops wearing a monocle?  Good question.  A cyclops only has one eye so it’s particularly sharp.  Like how a blind person’s hearing is enhanced.  So you put a monocle on a cyclops and you have creature that sees everything.  That’ll be me.  BTW, Yonder and Francisco have complementary hat tilts.  Just something I thought you should know.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Logan Morrison – Could return on Thursday after being diagnosed with patella tendinitis.  Oh, wait, is Patella the doctor’s name?

Alexi Ogando – Rangers are considering moving Ogando to the bullpen.  Earth to the Rangers, come in Rangers.  Considering?  He should’ve been moved two months ago.  Check yo’ self, before you wreck yo’ self… Too many innings is bad for his health.

Nelson Cruz – Activated from the DL, but will be used as a pinch-hitter initially.  Belch.

David Murphy – Hit two homers as I benched him on my fantasy teams for Cruz because I thought that’s what Washington would do.  Belch, fart.

Jim Johnson – He’s now converted back-to-back-to-back saves with the Teflon Closer, Gregg, on the sidelines.  Meanwhile, Gregg blew his only save opp in the last week.  If you need saves, Johnson’s the way to go.  As for a strange but true fact, Jim Johnson is from Johnson City, NY.  Kevin Gregg isn’t from Crap City, NY.

Matt Wieters – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Now has 19 homers and 61 RBIs while batting .260.  If he takes a step forward next year, he could be a top three catcher.

Jeff Karstens – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  Karstens obviously needs Jack Hannahan and his monkeys.

Derrek Lee – 2-for-4 with a homer.  I haven’t seen any consistent streaks from this schmohawk this year.  Hits a homer or two then goes into a two week “I’m old.  My back’s sore.  Somebody call a wambulance” free fall.

Zack Greinke – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I think the Brewers win it all.  As I said back in March.

Justin Morneau – Still feeling concussion symptoms and doesn’t think he’ll return this year.  That’s his concussion concession speech.

Mike Minor – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks.  Ugh, so inefficient.  Pretty disappointing stuff from Minor this year.  I know, I know.  A 4.11 ERA and a K per inning isn’t terrible.  But I’m like Veruca Salt up in here and I want more!

Chipper Jones – 2-for-5 as he continues to swing a hot bat.  That’s what she said!  He’s hitting .375 over the last week with 2 homers.

Brian McCann – Hit his 24th homer as he hit out of the six hole yesterday.  He’s hitting under .200 in September, so I get it, but, wow, Fredi is reactionary.  Next thing you know Jose Constanza is gonna be catching.

Brandon Phillips – 1-for-2 with a homer.  I mentioned Phillips yesterday after he homered twice regarding his disappointing season, but, I guess, if you have to get hot at any time during the season, now’s a good time.  About time BP starting giving back.

Dillon Gee – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I tried to steer people away from Gee for this start.  Looked favorable, but he was alternating good starts with bad and he was due for a bad one.  And that theory goes out the window with my socks.  I don’t wash them; I just throw them outside for the homeless.  I give back.  Did I ever mention I once answered phones for the Chabad Telethon?  True story.  And I’m not even officially Jewish.  Eat it, Itzhak Perlman!

Troy Tulowitzki – Left yesterday’s game with more hip issues.  He’s too hip to be sore!  I imagine he’s gonna sit out at least a few more days.

Bruce Chen – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks.  They call him Bruce (because that’s his name)!  Sure, it was against the Twins, but still he was coming off two straight games giving up 5 earned, so it took some cojones to start him here.

Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer as he bats .231.  Hosmer is blowing him out of the water for fantasy value this year, but I have this gut feeling that it’s gonna be reversed next year.  I don’t have anything to back that up.  It’s my gut.  It might be the chicken shawarma I had for dinner.

Brandon Morrow – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Don’t worry, there’s always next year when I get unreasonably happy for Morrow and his 5+ ERA.

J.P. Arencibia – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 23rd homer.  Someone asked yesterday where Arencibia was gonna be drafted next year.  Good question.  I think people will see the under .230 average and get scared off.  Not I, friend.  He’ll definitely be more than a blip on my radars.

Carlos Santana – Hit his 22nd homer yesterday.  You know what?  There’s actually gonna be decent depth next year for catchers.  The catcher position slept at a Holiday Inn last night.

Dustin Pedroia – 4-for-5, 2 homers, 4 runs, 5 RBIs.  Sparky Anklebiters are so cute when they get all rambunctious and yappy.

David Ortiz – Left the game with back spasms.  In elementary school, they used to say to me, “Back, spazz.”  That’s probably unrelated.

Cole Hamels – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Astros.  This coming a day after the Astros beat up on Oswalt.  The Braves should’ve made a deadline deal for J.D. Martinez, Clint Barmes and J.B. Shuck.

Jason Bourgeois – 2-for-5 with a steal.  He’s not playing every day, but when he does play, he’s hitting and stealing (.467 with 3 steals in the last week).

Gavin Floyd – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  I’m pretty sure Danks and Floyd pitch simply to upset fantasy owners.

David Price – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Suckie-O’s.  I expected more from Price in this start.  Am I asking too much?  Maybe I’m just like my mother, she’s never satisfied.  Wait, that’s not Price, that’s Prince.

B.J. Upton – 1-for-3 with 2 steals.  *big voice*  He’s one steal away from a 20/30 year!  *small voice*  He’s batting .235.

Pablo Sandoval – Bochy said Pablo has regained the weight he lost last winter.  He’s now back to being Pablo Sandsphere.

Jeremy Hellickson threw a complete game yesterday giving up one earned run.  Great, tremendous, gremendous!  Hey, Rays, take out an ad in Variety for Hellickson for Rookie of the Year.  The ad can flaunt a quote from Rays beat writer Roger Mooney saying, “Hellickson is the best rookie pitcher I’ve ever seen!”  Rays blogger Jason Collette says, “He’s better than Melissa Leo!”  A Tampa Bay area Hooters waitress, “And he’s a good tipper!”  Last year, Hellickson threw a 155 2/3 innings.  Usual bump from one year to the next for young pitchers is 30 innings.  Back in the preseason, Buddy Holly Joe Maddon said Hellickson would be capped at 180 innings.  That’s probably give or take five innings.  Depending on whether or not Verducci shows up at Hellickson’s final start with disapproving eyes.  Right now, Hellickson is sitting at 164 1/3 innings.  Probably looking at three more starts for Hellickson.  Make sure you keep that in mind in H2H leagues.  Oh, and have a good Labor Day.  I’ll leave you with this quote, “You’re laborers.  You should be laboring.  That’s what you get for not having an education.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Francisco Liriano – Unlikely to pitch again this year.  If only this news came out in March.

Joe Mauer – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer.  Put a note on the Comatose Twins Fan to ‘Do Not Resuscitate.’

Dustin Ackley – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer.  He’s also hitting .400 over the week.  The Mariners have good reason to be excited, but that’s mostly because The Big FraGu is out for the year.  So much easier than diverting one’s eyes.

Jose Bautista – First to reach 40 homers.  I’ll say my miss on Bautista this year was the ultimate Mr. Bungle move.

Derek Jeter – 2-for-5 with his fifth homer of the year.  Or the sixth lowest homer total of all players with a full season of at-bats.  He’s tied with Maicer Izturis, but Maicer has almost a hundred less ABs.  Jeter reminds me of something.  You’ll never sleep with as many women as you’d like to?  No, random italicized voice.  He reminds how terrible name recognition can be for fantasy baseball.

Alex Rodriguez – Returned over the weekend and hit a homer yesterday.  That’s his 15th homer this year, or how many times he’s openly begged Jeter for his approval.

Ian Kinsler – 3-for-5 with his 25th homer.  Was also his fourth homer in the past 4 games and has 23 steals on the year with only 2 caught stealings.  Sure, the average (.245) is a bit blehtastic, but that could easily be at .270 as he continues to prove the Ranger hitters credo, “If healthy, good.”  So it’s not the snappiest credo, but it’s accurate.

Nelson Cruz – Says he can get back prior to the estimated three weeks.  Cool, that means he can get another injury in before the end of the year.  Take odds, Vegas.  Take odds.

Mike Napoli – 2-for-3 with his 23rd homer as he hits .293.  Imagine he didn’t go through stretches where his manager temporarily benches him because Napoli’s hitting on their daughter.

Dee Gordon – 3-for-5 with his third steal in the three games since he returned.  Mouth on the left side of the screen says, SAG.  Mouth on the right side of the screen says, NOF.  They come together for SAGNOF.

Randall Delgado – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Took over Jar-Jar’s spot in the rotation and meesa tinks he’ll stay in the rotation for the better part of the rotation.  He’s still a rookie that could give a solid six inning start, a four inning/four earned run turd or something in the middle like today.  In other words, he’s a’ight for NL-Only leagues.  In other other words, last week I was in my other other Benz.

Brennan Boesch – Done for the year with thumb surgery.  Boesch & Thumb contact rends.

Johan Santana – News has changed once again for Johan.  First, he’s coming back in June.  Then he’s coming back in July.  Wait, he’ll be back, definitely, in August.  Nope, he’s not returning.  Yes, he’ll be back next week.  Or the final week of the season.  Or not at all.  Whatever the Mets say, he’s not worth owning anyway.

Mike Stanton – Left the game with a hamstring injury.  He’s day-to-day.  If everyone wants to sign a card and have me deliver it to him, I’m hiding in the bushes next to his garage.  I mean, get well soon, Mike.  I mean… No, that’s what I meant.  *nervous laughter*

Hanley Ramirez – Has been confirmed that he will have shoulder surgery.  With some hard work and a dedication to being the best, he’ll be ready to go for the start of next season.  So, he won’t be ready.  I’m going to gauge things further this offseason, but I’m almost certainly not going anywhere near him next year.  I try to stay away from players coming off big surgeries, unless I feel like the injury wasn’t something that could linger.  You know, like Morneau this year.  Now I’m done with all players coming off a major injury/surgery.  Show me one player who overperformed coming off a major injury and I’ll show you 25 that didn’t.

Jon Jay – Homered yesterday and 6 for his last 11.  He also expressed his pride for the way the original thirteen colonies bounced back from Hurricane Irene.

Jason Motte – On Saturday, he recorded the save, then on Sunday Salas gave up a run and lost the game.  If you’re a save vulture circling around for some tasty meat to feed on, I’d peck on Motte.

Torii Hunter – Says he might retire after the 2012 season.  This is neither funny nor interesting (which is implying other things I write are, but anyway…), Hunter will almost certainly have a job at a major network as an analyst.

Carlos Carrasco – Might be headed for TJ surgery, which involves a copious amount of tequila and two donkeys.  No, that’s Tijuana surgery.  My bad.

Shelley Duncan – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs, 2 homers and 6 people hospitalized after he high-fived his teammates.

Juan Francisco – 4-for-5 yesterday and homered on Friday.  He’s now started three of four games since he was recalled.  Not mixed league worthy yet, but I got my pet marmoset watching him closely.  I only have so much time.

Sean Marshall – Notched his fourth save as Marmol sat on the bench and thought about what he had done on Saturday.  Ya know, give up a grand slam to Derrek Lee.  Marmol’s still probably the closer, if only to frustrate Cubs fans and his fantasy owners.

Carlos Beltran – 8 for his last 11 as he carries the Giants to a solid 2nd place finish.

Brian Wilson – Threw off the mound on Sunday, but there’s no timetable for his return.  The Giants could opt to shut down Wilson if they fall out of the race, but he seems like the type that would want to return even if the Giants’ playoff chances are remote.  Though I might have a facial hair basis.

Anthony Rizzo – 0-for-3 as he was recalled, with recall being the optimal word considering how he’s played thus far.  I’d be shocked if the Padres don’t find a way to get Jesus Guzman’s bat in the lineup on a consistent basis since he’s batting .337.  Even if the Padres just Mad Lib first base on the lineup card, Blanks will probably be filled in the most with Rizzo’s promotion.

Dexter Fowler – 3-for-4, now hitting near .350 over the last week with two homers and two steals.  Right now, Dexter is murdering the ball.

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (1 Hit), 8 Ks vs. the Astros.  Crazy the lineup of Jordan Schafer, Paredes, Martinez, Bogus..etc. didn’t give him a harder time.  The team Ed Wade’s Toupee put together would have a hard time beating the Little League Champions two out of three games.

Neil Walker – 1-for-4 with his 12th homer.  Member when he was good?  In like April.  Ah, yeah, good times.

Alex Presley – 2-for-5 with a steal.  Now 10 for his last 18 with a homer and two steals.  He’s been so hot Pirate cameramen have been asked to only film him from the waist up.

Anibal Sanchez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Due to an umpire call, the game is under review.  A fan interfered with a Pence double, which was overturned with instant replay.  Charlie Manuel then argued that there’s no such cotton-pickin’ thing as instant replay and the moon is made of green cheese.  We’ll await the MLB’s Executive Vice President of Baseball Operations Joe Torre’s decision.  I’d say it’s pretty likely the call is overturned and the game resumes with Torre’s final verdict being, “Hey, whatever gets more middle relievers in the game.”

With Nelson Cruz hitting the DL (I’ll get to that schmohawk), the Rangers called up Leonys Martin.  Martin could be a poor man’s Desmond Jennings, in other words he’ll be a 2nd ballot Hall of Famer, not 1st.  Martin has breezed through the minor leagues, starting in the Rookie league, jumping to Double-A and finally hitting Triple-A.  It’s called the “Julio Borbon-Endy Chavez-David Murphy Ain’t Doing Shizz From Shinola So We Need A Centerfielder” plan.  Martin has plus-plus speed.  Red Bull says Leonys gives them wings.  He could develop some power down the road, but I wouldn’t expect more than a homer or two with this call-up.  If you need speed in AL-Only or deeper keeper (hey, poet!) mixed leagues, I’d look at him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Nelson Cruz – Will be out for 3 weeks with his moans over his hammy.  Any Nostradumbass could’ve told you he’d be hurt at some point this year, but, seriously, this guy gets injured at least once every two months.  Let him play the field in a bubble.  He’s now getting a platelet-rich plasma injection to stimulant the healing process.  I think this was the same treatment they gave Caesar in Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

Adrian Beltre – The injury butterfly effect in Texas is supposed to get Beltre back on the field for Thursday.

Andre Ethier – 3-for-4 as he was back in the lineup on Monday.  He wasn’t going to play, but Colletti showed up at his house and saw a mannequin in Ethier’s bed with a stereo simulating snoring sounds.

Clayton Kershaw – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The Yaghan people, the indigenous inhabitants of Tierra del Fuego, have a word ‘mamihlapinatapai’ that means a desire shared by two people that neither will act on.  If you ever notice when Kershaw pitches, he’ll look into the camera ever-so-slightly.  He’s looking at me.  We got mamihlapinatapai.

Shin-Soo Choo – Gonna miss up to two weeks with his aggravated left side.  And I’m aggravated with him, so we’re even.

Justin Morneau – Out with a sore shoulder.  After thinking about Morneau’s season, listening to Bon Iver cheers me up.

Randy Wells – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Member when I loved Wells about a year or two ago?  Yeah, this start was what I wanted.  Way to make a guy wait.

Jason Motte – Reporting it here first after inferring from other sources, Motte will see some saves.  La Russa said, “You give guys what they earn, and they make the decisions for you.  Now please donate money to PETA.  I have bunnies to save.”

Jamie Moyer – Rehabbing in Clearwater, Florida hoping to be ready for the start of next season.  I’m assuming he’s talking about the 2012 World Bingo Tour.

Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks.  A triumphant return from a 15-day DL stint sans spirit fingers.  I figured Hamels would be fine since he was supposedly healthy last week, but the Phils aren’t pushing the issue with anyone.

Homer Bailey – 8 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the Phils.  Took steel nads (or stunods) to start him here, but it turned out okay.  I still don’t trust him.  Will work on my trust issues during the offseason just in time for him to screw me next year.  See, I haven’t worked on them yet.

R.A. Dickey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Dickey’s been H.A.M. for the last 8 starts.  Not many Ks, not crazy on the Wins, but solid ratios.

Alex White – 6 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Eh, if you’re rolling a Rockie rookie pitcher out there, you probably deserve this start.  Sorry, it’s Tough Love Grey!

Gaby Sanchez – 1-for-4 while hitting his/her first homer yesterday since July 23rd.  She/he could be getting hot, but we’ll need to see more before adding him/her because Jose Lopez has been stealing a lot of his/her playing time.

Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer.  Is it me or every time someone does something good on the Anaheim Really Isn’t That Close To Los Angeles Los Angeles Angels I expect the Sciociapath to bench him?

Max Scherzer – 3 IP, 7 ER.  To think Michael Chabon wasted a whole book about this guy.

Cameron Maybin – Returning to San Diego for an MRI.  I know they have MRIs in Los Angeles, so it worries me that he’s going to San Diego for an MRI, unless he’s just a victim of a bad HMO.

Nick Hundley – 2-for-4, hitting .413 in August with 2 homers and 5 RBIs.  So, in other words, he’s getting hits but not a whole lot else.  It’s a’ight.

Brandon McCarthy – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Has 93 Ks to 22 walks and a 1.21 WHIP in 133 2/3 innings.  Only drawback really is the A’s have about as much chance of wins as anyone going to see Moneyball besides baseball geeks.  You, “Hey, baby, I was thinking after Red Lobster we go see Moneyball?”  Your loved one, “Is that the one about Scott Hatteberg’s on base percentage?  I’d love to, sweetie!”   Yeah, that’s gonna happen.

Alex Gordon – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 19th homer.  At first I couldn’t understand why he’s been batting leadoff for the better part of the season, but I think I’ve figured it out.  The Royals are so afraid if they mess with Gordon in any way that he’ll revert to being a bust.  Kid Cudi with kid gloves, I kid you not.

Billy Butler – 1-for-4, but whatever.  This headline just writes the joke for you.

Salvador Perez – 3-for-4 with his first homer.  Royals have committed to playing Perez for 140 games next year as their starter.  He’s 21, so I’ll say until he struggles they’ve committed to him.  As of right now, he’s not struggling at all.  Hitting near .400 over the last week and has some pop in his bat.  Worth a look in very deep leagues (read AL-Only or Sal-Only leagues).

Johnny Damon – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Wow, next thing you know he’s gonna make a throw to 2nd with only one relay man.

Brett Lawrie – 1-for-4 with 2 steals.  I’m fully prepared to go all in for him next year while preparing myself for a bust.  Don’t bust, don’t bust, bust!  That’s next March, April and May Grey.  BTW, I’m thinking about changing my name to $rey only I think it works better for S’s.

Adam Lind – 1-for-5 with his 23rd homer.  Who was it saying they were done with Lind because of his slump?  Oh, everyone.

Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-3 with a steal.  I love…Wait, not strong enough.  I lurve when guys try and prove their worth by stealing bags.  Prove yourself, Viciedo, prove.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks.  Hold on, I need my 13-year-old niece to text me some exclamation marks.  13 Ks!!!!!  Wow!!!

Carlos Lee – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer.  Guess he’s not hurt…In the literal sense.  13 homers isn’t exactly setting the world on fire like a good I Can Has Cheezburger meme.

Nick Swisher – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Has 77 RBIs and a .383 OBP on the year with 21 homers.  Really not an awful season.  Yes, when I say not awful instead of good, it’s not great.  Follow?

Alex Rodriguez – He called his thumb’s bluff with an MRI, but he still lost three to five days on the flop.

Derek Jeter – Missed yesterday and could miss the upcoming Sawx series.  In other news, Jeter and Minka Kelly broke up.  I guess Minka’s fine if you have less than 3,000 hits.  Same reason I started masturbating to hotter women after Razzball reached 3,000 page views.

Yo, Meteorologist Grey here and I’m standing in Chesapeake Bay to show you how high the water has risen.  It’s usually up to my waist, but, as you can see, the water is now up to my shoulders.  Would I normally be standing in Chesapeake Bay if there was no hurricane?  No, this is for ratings, snitches!  That was it, that was the big news all across the world of baseball this weekend.  How there wasn’t any on the eastern seaboard.  ‘See, bored?’ is more like it.  But there was Justin Verlander winning his 20th game, and locking up the Cy Young.  His line so far 20-5/2.38/0.90/218 in 215 2/3 IP.  Those numbers are sick as in very healthy not sick as in sick.  When you have over 200 innings and more than a K per inning, you deserve the accolades, which only sounds like something you take for an upset stomach.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jimmy Rollins – Won’t return when eligible, i.e., the Phils are coasting into the playoffs and don’t care if any of their regulars play the entire month of September.  Just a friendly reminder that you need to have back-up plans in place if your H2H team is riding Phils like Marlo Thomas.

Rafael Betancourt – The Rockies announced Betancourt would stay in the role of closer even after Street returned, then later that night he blew the save.  Cuddle boy!  Then he came back and recorded the save on Sunday.  I’d keep Betancourt for now, but think he cedes the job to Street in the landmark case of sooner vs. later.

Hanley Ramirez – Will return on Wednesday unless he gets a bee in his bonnet.

Michael Brantley – Will have season-ending surgery on his wrist.  Indians might think about digging up center field and making sure there’s no Brady Bunch tiki idols buried out there.

Jonathan Sanchez – Sounds like he’ll be out for the season.  Safe to drop him.  Could backdate that to June.  You know what’s nice?  Your mustache?  Random Italicized Voice, you giving me lip service?  Is that a pun?  Kinda.  No, what’s nice is at this time of the year you don’t have to contemplate whether or not to wait out a DL stint.  Just drop.

Sergio Romo – Returned to the Giants on Sunday and looks like the favorite to get saves.  BTW, you think when Sergio was in summer camp and wrote his name on his shirt tags that people just thought it was the designer’s name?

Jordan Walden – The Sciosciapath removed Walden on Saturday after he loaded the bases and brought in Takahashi for the save.  I think Walden will continue to get saves for the Los Angeles Not Actually Los Angeles Angels, but if you’re speculating on saves there ya go.

Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and a homer.  With Quentin finally hitting the DL, the Pale Hose promoted Dayan Viciedo, a highly touted Cuban raftee.  In Triple-A, Viciedo had a .296 average with 20 homers in 119 games.  He’s in that Delmon-Alfonso-Vlad mold of swinging at just about anything near the plate.  As with Alfonso and Vlad, it hasn’t really hurt his hitting.  He can play all over the field to get at-bats, but, for whatever reason, Ozzie hasn’t really thrust him into a starring role.  If he gets the ABs, see, he’d be good for mixed leaguers — Yo, dawg, I’m a mixed leaguer….Now why won’t girls talk to me? — but until we see Dayan’s PT, I’d only look at him in AL-Only leagues.

Chris Capuano – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 0 walks, 13 Ks.  Feliz Capu anos!

Johan Santana – Now unlikely to return this year.  Really no shocker here.  Hence, my credo not to bother with drafting pitchers in March that are supposed to be out for the majority of the season.  Setbacks happen yadda³.

James Shields – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Sometimes Shields gets a little flaky (7 earned vs the M’s, 10 earned vs. the A’s), but for where you drafted him and his 192 Ks, 2.96 ERA, you’ll take it and like it.

David Price – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 14 Ks.  It’s funny how his season ERA is at 3.40 with a 12-11 record compared to 2.72 ERA and 19 wins last year, but he’s actually pitched much better this year.  Obviously not haha funny, but more like not funny at all funny.

Desmond Jennings – 4-for-5, 2 homers and a steal.  The only real drawback so far with Jennings is I need to buy more Trapper Keepers to write his name in hearts with my sparkle marker.

Joe Mauer – Has been out for five days with a pain in the neck.  How appropriate.

Luke Hughes – 2-for-4, 2 homers on Sunday and a homer on Saturday.  Luke, you are my waiver wire fodder.

Collin Cowgill – 4-for-4, homer, 2 runs 2 RBIs.  Hasn’t been playing every day, but maybe after this big game we’ll get more Cowgill.

Aaron Hill – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer as a D-Back.  He’s fared slightly better than Johnson since the trade.  Perhaps being surrounded by a team of hackers is making him feel more comfortable.

Tommy Hanson – Has a rotator cuff tear.  I once had a cuff tear on my Girbaud jeans and it knocked me out for a day.  Hanson’s cuff tear is not as major as it sounds, but will still knock him out a few weeks (no relation to Jemile).  Can go ahead and drop Hanson in most leagues, i.e., Mmmdrop.

Zach Britton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Britton took down the Yankees revenging The Revolutionary War.  Though I thought exporting The Spice Girls was their payback.

Nelson Cruz – Strained his left hamstring on a double.  His right hamstring said, “I got next!”

Jason Motte – Got the save on Sunday.  Let’s see, Salas’s last two appearances were in non-save situations, then La Russa sends Motte, who hasn’t given up a run in his last 29 appearances, out for the save yesterday.  I think La Russa’s Feathered-Hair-Covered Brain finally made a smart move with his bullpen.  Motte should be the closer.  Now whether he’s the closer or not is up to FHCB.

Jordan Zimmermann – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  About two months ago, I asked whether or not the Nats would shut down Zimmermann at exactly 160 innings if it meant in the middle of the 3rd inning.  They didn’t; they shut him down for the season in the middle of the fifth inning.

Joey Votto – 2-for-5 with two homers.  Joey makes me coo coo roo.

Yonder Alonso – Hit a pinch hit homer yesterday.  Now is hitting .467 with 3 homers in 30 ABs.  Too bad he doesn’t have a position to play.  Rather, Baker starts Fred Lewis, Dave Sappeit and the Winner of a Skyline Chili contest instead of Yonder.

Carlos Lee – Left Sunday’s game with a slight ankle sprain.  Send El Caballo to the glue factory!

Andre Ethier – Said he’s playing with an injured knee all year.  Then the always sympathetic GM Ned Colletti said, “What am I supposed to be concerned about?  That he has those numbers, that he’s hurt or contends he’s hurt?”  Snap in the 0-for-12 formation.  I will say Ned Colletti, aka No Coddle-letti, is refreshingly frank, but I’m not sure today’s athletes respond to it.  Why not just call him Andre the Pissant and wear a shirt that says ‘Obey?’

Matt Kemp – Joined the 30/30 club this weekend.  The gift basket included a free weekend stay at a Howard Johnson.