Fantasy Baseball Advice

We continue our 2012 fantasy baseball rankings with the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.  There’s no 2nd baseman in the top 10 for 2012 fantasy baseball.  At least by my calculation.  Some ‘perts are putting Cano in the top 10, but I see him just outside of the top 10, but then again 2nd base is packed to the rafters with production.  It looks deeper than the 1st basemen pool and I’m only being half-facetious.  It’s like all 2nd basemen slept at a Holiday Inn last night.  There’s 15 guys I would take and if I had a middle infield spot on my roster, I’d definitely look to put a 2nd baseman in there.  As with the previous ranking lists, tiers and my projections are noted.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball:

1. Robinson Cano – See the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball for Robinson Cano’s projections.

2. Ian Kinsler – See the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball for Ian Kinsler’s projections.

3. Dustin Pedroia – See the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball for Dustin Pedroia’s projections.

4. Dan Uggla – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Utley (or Cuddyer, if he has eligibility).  I call this tier, “I see good value.  Draft one.”  This tier name sounds like I’m a handicapper for horse races.  Gambler’s Ruin is great on mud, put all your money on him!   Member when Dan Uggla was hitting, like, .180 and it was July and you were like, “Screw this, homie!  I’m going gangster on my team and trading Uggla for an Obama Chia.”  Then your neighbor saw that getting dropped off at your doorstep, stole it and Uggla went on to hit in like 40 games straight.  Nothing ever works out for you, huh?  Now I’m Worried you left on the oven after drying your pantyhose.  (That Twitter feed is a friend’s.  You follow now, thank you.)  Uggla wasn’t quite the hitter we saw during his hitting streak (no kidding!) but he isn’t a sub-.200 hitter either.  Or is it eyether?  Let’s call this whole thing off!  Wait, he is a 35 homer hitter.  I’ll take that and a box of Ding Dongs!  And, no, box of Ding Dongs isn’t a new Timberlake/Samberg song.  (Yes, that’s two days and two ding dong jokes.  My cup runneth over with ding dong jokes.  I am the ding dongiest!)  2012 Projections:  90/35/105/.250/3

5. Howie Kendrick – Sometimes when you go out on a limb, the limb breaks and you fall on your ass.  That might happen with Kendrick in 2012, but I’m going all in.  From 2010 to 2011 in 18 less games, he went from 10 homers to 18 homers and struck out more.  His HR/FB rate was high and he’s injury-prone.  It points to flukey.  I see a guy with 15 homer power, 15 steal speed, 100 runs and 75 RBIs potential that should hit around .290.  It’s okay, but what puts me over on him is he’s in the prime of his career so he should max out his power and look like Pedroia at a cheaper cost.  Oh, and one thing that’s been criminally under-reported, the Angels added Pujols.  You think someone would’ve talked about that.  2012 Projections:  100/18/70/.290/15

6. Brandon Phillips – Joey Votto’s gonna win the MVP and Brandon Phillips is going to be hoisted onto Jay Bruce’s shoulders next October with the team dedicating their World Series victory to their former pitching coach, Dick Pole.  Just so they can see people on Twitter snicker at his mention.  That’s how I see things playing out.  Phillips won’t be their regular season hero; he’ll be a piece.  The wily vet that plays 150 games a year and gets all those counting stats and has some power and speed that people credit more for their clubhouse leadership.  Whatever, B.P. is still greasing up some decent stats for his position.  2012 Projections:  90/20/85/.275/17

7. Chase Utley – Nah, he’s not winning the MVP again.  Well, I guess anything’s possible if he’s wearing one of Ryan Braun’s Ed Hardy t-shirts, but it seems like the best is behind him like J. Lo.  Then throw in you have no idea how long Ryan Howard is going to be out, then throw in Utley’s inability to stay healthy, then throw in his pomade, then throw in a leprechaun’s toenail and the steam that rises from the brew you threw all that in reads, “Utley should be avoided.”  Now what if I said I didn’t agree?  He’s never had a season of 120+ games where he’s been useless.  Granted, getting to 120 games has been an issue, but we knew going into last year he wasn’t going to be right.  When he did come back, his speed was fine.  Like he was never hurt.  His power was off, but so was his homers per fly ball.  His average was off, but so was his luck.  He’s going to get you 2nd to 3rd round numbers at a much cheaper price than he usually is.  BTW, if he’s bad this year, his career’s in trouble.  I think he knows that too.  2012 Projections:  80/20/85/.280/15

7 1/4. Michael Young – Only has 14 games at 2nd so he may not have eligibility in all leagues.  To see Young’s projections go to the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

7 1/2. Michael Cuddyer – Only has 17 games at 2nd base, so he gets a half ranking.  To see Cuddyer’s projections go to the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

8. Ben Zobrist – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Weeks.  I call this tier, “Others are taking these guys before me.”  I really don’t like Zobrist.  His stats are just too flaky for my tastes.  One year he hits .297 then .238 then .269.  Then he hits 27 homers then 10 then 20.  “Hey, fella, how about you just hit 17 homers and stop confusing Grey?!”  That’s you in the first row behind the Rays’ dugout because you’re protecting my honor.  Thx, btw!  (Don’t you love when someone abbreviates thanks as thx?  Gee, thanks so much for showing me your appreciation by almost writing a WHOLE SIX LETTER WORD!)  I’m ranking Zobrist later than most ‘perts because I don’t want him, but if he fell to me I would take him because he seems like he’s capable of a 15/15 season.  Plus or minus 15 homers and steals.  Yeah, he’s all over the map.  2012 Projections:  75/17/90/.255/17

9. Rickie Weeks – Stop me if you’ve heard this before– Stop!  I haven’t said anything yet, Random Italicized Voice.  I’ve heard, “Stop me if you’ve heard this before” before.  Here’s the games played for Weeks over his career — 96, 95, 118, 129, 37, 160, 118.  Throw out 37 and 160 and on average he plays in 118 games.  Or maybe that’s the median.  Or the mean.  I don’t know.  What I do know is he can’t stay healthy.  He can repeat his power output from last year and chuck in about 10 steals if he’s healthy, but that “if” is the size of Gilbert Grape’s mom.  2012 Projections:  65/18/50/.260/10

10. Danny Espinosa – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Kelly Johnson.  I call this tier, “Shine’s off these guys, but I like them.  Even if they might hit .240 collectively.”  At 24 years old, Espinosa hit 21 homers and stole 17 bases.  That’s the good news.  The very good news is he can hit more homers and steal more bases.  The so-so news is it might not be much more of either.  The bad news is he hit .236.  The not good or not bad news is his luck was neutral.  The “Is this really even news anymore?” news is Espinosa won’t ever hit for much of an average without luck.  The last bit of news is I’m not wearing pants.  2012 Projections:  80/24/90/.240/19

11. Aaron Hill – Here’s what I said towards the end of last year, “Hill looked to be an average issue hitter that could at least give you power.  Not this year.  His power completely evaporated.  Oddly enough, he doubled his line drive rate from 2010 and lowered his K-rate.  In short (which I only say after going long), Hill’s season made no sense.  Seriously, I can’t make heads or tails of it.  Yes, even in hindsight it’s not 20/20.  It will take some brass ones to go all in on Hill again next year, but I’m leaning that way right now.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Now, looking at Hill, I’m still no cyclops with a monocle.  What we do know is he hit .315 in Arizona in the 33 games after he was traded.  It’s something!  I don’t get where those 21 steals came from last year, but if it was some kind of deal with the devil, he forgot to specify to leave his power alone and the devil duped him.  You duping devil!  2012 Projections:  70/18/80/.265/15

12. Kelly Johnson – After a trade that sent Hill to the D-Backs and Johnson to the Jays, these two will be forever linked.  Or just for right now in the rankings.  Either way, let’s pretend we’re in the first semester of our junior year of high school and we’re taking the SATs.  The final question will send you to either Brown or nowhere because you refuse to have a safety school.  Question:  In 2008, Kelly Johnson hit .287.  In 2009, he hit .224.  In 2010, he hit .284.  In 2011, he hit .222.  What will he hit in 2012?  You know the answer; Brown’s within reach!  You say he’ll hit around .280 and… You’re wrong.  You then go on a 15-month bender that finds you waiting tables on an over-60 cruise ship and making out with grandmothers.  His good/bad alternating averages don’t mean anything, except it does tell us it’s not out of the realm of possibility for Johnson to hit something respectable.  2012 Projections:  80/20/70/.265/14

13. Jason Kipnis – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Ackley.  I call this tier, “Sleepers or guys that are overdrafted depending on how smart your leaguemates think they are.”  What I mean by the tier name is in leagues with people who prep the day before and just fly by the seat of their pants, this tier probably won’t be that known unless you’re in Cleveland, Seattle or Oakland.  In leagues where owners started prepping last November, there’s giant flashing lights on this tier’s players to the point where people will probably reach for them way too early.  As for Jason Kipnis, I already went over my Kipnis 2012 fantasy.  I wrote it enclosed with a giant heart on a bathroom stall.  2012 Projections:  80/14/60/.255/12

14. Jemile Weeks – Member when 2nd base was a speed position?  Was before Bret Boone started frosting his hair.  All of these 2nd basemen that are on the scene today probably idolized Boone and his frosted tips.  They probably even went as far to emulate him and frosted their hair too.  When Jemile frosted his hair, his classmates probably called him Sisqo, which is downright embarrassing, so he decided to rebel against the power 2nd baseman and work on his speed.  Or not.  Simply a theory.  Weeks reminds me a bit of Luis Castillo.  That takes some air out of your Jemile Weeks balloon, huh?  Hey, Castillo had some good years.  2012 Projections:  90/3/50/.265/30

15. Dustin Ackley – I’m having a real hard time understanding the hype on Ackley.  To the point where I’m not drafting him unless he falls pretty far.  He’s never hit more than 9 homers at any level of professional ball or stole more than 8 bases.  Granted, these were abbreviated seasons, but he’s also going to be playing his home games in a terrible hitting park.  I’m gonna let someone else take the chance that he shows his ceiling of 15 homers and 15 steals while expecting he shows something closer to… 2012 Projections:  80/12/55/.265/12

16. Ryan Roberts – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Beckham.  I call this tier, “Post-hype and no hype guys.  I guess I’ll draft them, but they’d have to be super cheap.”  Ryan Roberts reads to me like a Ryan Ludwick/Casey McGehee-type.  Never considered much of anything, then they explode on the scene at a late age, then they return to Back To Wherever You Came From-ville (which has higher real estate prices than I’m So Outta Here-ville cause of the influx of has-beens).  There should be a glossary term for these type of no hype players that only have one good year.  Suggest in the comments.  2012 Projections:  55/13/65/.245/15

17. Neil Walker – This guy isn’t far off from Ryan Roberts.  They’re pretty much flip-floppable (Made Up Word of the Day!).  But since Roberts just came off a better season, I put them in this order.  Could see Walker outperforming him in 2012, but not by much since Walker doesn’t have huge power or speed.  Not that Roberts does either… Whatever, I don’t like either, stop arguing with me!  2012 Projections:  70/12/80/.270/7

18. Gordon Beckham – Something that hasn’t been reported (or at least by me) is:  Could Ozzie leaving town have a positive impact on some White Sox players?  You know, the guys that he used to ball-bust.  I wouldn’t be shocked if Beckham comes around as a post-hype sleeper just to prove Ozzie wrong.  Am I betting a whole lot that that (stutterer!) is gonna happen?  Oh, hells no!  Beckham just came off a season where 21% of all of his fly balls were infield pop-ups.  That’s terrible.  In my opinion (and, really, if you don’t want my opinion, you’re probably reading the wrong site), a hitter can’t make worst contact than an infield pop.  By drafting Beckham, you’re basically saying that his last two years were a fluke and he’s going to fix everything.  Put the chances of that happening in one hand and the chances of it not happening in the other hand and you have two empty hands.  Can’t really weigh chances.  Maybe you shouldn’t have quit college to become a scale.  2012 Projections:  55/14/70/.260/5

19. Ryan Raburn – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Roberts.  I call this tier, “Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice and shame on you again.  I’m good at displacing blame.”  Bill James still believes.  He has Raburn’s 2012 projections down for 18/4.  Last year was the chance for Raburn to become relevant.  He’s going to be 31 years old for the majority of the 2012 season.  I got better things to do than draft a 31-year-old player who has never shown much of anything.  Not to mention, there’s been talk of him blahtooning with Ramon Santiago.  That’s nice, have fun!  2012 Projections:  40/12/50/.275/3

20. Brian Roberts – I’m sure Brian Roberts never thought he’d be passed on the rankings by a name that people used to mistakenly call him.  Here’s the world’s smallest violin.  Here’s me putting the world’s smallest violin on eBay.  Here’s someone Buying It Now for one cent and playing it just for Brian Roberts.  2012 Projections:  65/5/35/.260/12

After the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball, there’s a lot of names but these stand out, for better or worse:

Daniel Murphy – I left him off the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball and that top 20 went to, like, 30.  Honestly, seriously, Cliff Lee, I can’t imagine drafting Murphy anywhere.  If he hits in the beginning of the year, you can pick him off waivers in most leagues as a hot schmotato.  2012 Projections:  75/12/60/.275/5

Sean Rodriguez – I almost feel the same way about Sean-Rod as I do with Raburn.  Go reread Raburn’s blurb in the passive voice.  The one positive on Sean-Rod that Raburn lacks is age.  Sean-Rod will only be 27 this April.  If there’s no one left on the board, I’d take the flyer and hope Sean-Rod does something.  His K-rate tells me he probably won’t.  2012 Projections:  55/14/65/.230/10

Jose Altuve – I haven’t written a Jose Altuve sleeper post yet, but my Magic Eight Ball says, “There’s a chance you write a sleeper post on Jose Altuve.”  When I bought this Magic Eight Ball in 1989, I never understood why it kept saying that.  In the minors, Altuve showed he could get to double digit power and low 20′s steal-speed.  I’ve seen worse.  You feel me?!  If you do, could you stop?  I hate looking at Astros hitters for anything other than which pitchers to stream against them, but Altuve looks like he could have some sneaky value.  Now to figure out why my Magic Eight Ball keeps telling me to write a sleeper post for Ken Griffey Jr. Jr. Jr.  2012 Projections:  80/12/40/.265/24 (<–crazy optimistic, but whatevs)

We already went over the top 20 catchers and the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.  Today, it’s all about the top 20 2nd basemen.  The 2nd basemen pool was shallow, and, for the first time in as long as I can remember, the 2nd basemen, shortstops and 3rd basemen were more or less of equal depth.  For instance, Darwin Barney was ranked 20th for 2nd basemen and 19th for shortstops, and Daniel Murphy was ranked 15th for 2nd basemen and 16th for 3rd basemen.  To recap, this final ranking for last year is from ESPN Player Rater with my comments.  The Player Rater allows me to be impartial while looking at how I ranked them in the preseason.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 2nd basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Dustin Pedroia – It didn’t hurt Pedroia that the Sawx were in the hunt for a playoff spot until the very end of September.  Lot better than guys who are coasting through the last two weeks.  Pedroia actually didn’t exceed expectations by as much as his stats would seem.  What he did was get more PAs than were on the last Michael Bay film.  When a player exceeds 700 plate appearances, he’s bound to put up some good stats, unless his name is Nick Markakis.  Preseason Rank #4, 2011 Projections:  105/15/65/.290/15, Final Numbers:  102/21/91/.307/26

2. Robinson Cano – The curious case of Robinson Cano.  In the preseason, I said he was overrated, yet I gave him projections pretty close to where he ended up.  So was I right and he was overrated?  I’m gonna say no.  He wasn’t quite the 1st round pick that some people were making him, but considering how terrible most high picks did and how shallow 2nd base is, Cano provided stability and stats.  Preseason Rank #1, 2011 Projections:  100/27/100/.310/3, Final Numbers:  104/28/118/.302/8

3. Ian Kinsler – In the preseason, I ranked Kinsler above where most ‘perts had him.  I wanted to believe he could stay healthy one of these years.  Bingo bango!  Preseason Rank #2, 2011 Projections:  85/22/60/.270/17, Final Numbers:  121/32/77/.255/30

4. Michael Young – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 post.

5. Brandon Phillips – He seems like he’s always planking on a 18/14 season give or take a few homers and steals.  His average was high for him this year.  That was partly due to his line drive rate being up, partly due to his luck.  Maybe The Ghost of a Racist Marge Schott was trying to make amends by helping some of his seeing-eye hits get through.  Preseason Rank #3, 2011 Projections:  85/20/70/.270/17, Final Numbers:  94/18/82/.300/14

6. Ben Zobrist – He had three big months (April, July and September) and three terrible months.  Like off the charts bad (June:  zero homers and 2 steals; August:  1 homer, .250; May:  2 homers, 0 steals, .232 and only 5 RBIs in 99 ABs; that’s e to the gregious).  I never feel confident enough to draft Zobrist because he still seems like an overachieving utility man to me, but as Zobrist would say, “Don’t call me a utility man and don’t call Creed Christian rock.”  Preseason Rank #8, 2011 Projections:  70/15/70/.260/15, Final Numbers:  99/20/91/.269/19

7. Howie Kendrick – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 post.

8. Michael Cuddyer – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 post.

9. Ryan Roberts – First time in a long time that I can remember the first out of nowhere name being this low on a year end list of 2nd basemen.  Usually someone will sneak into the top 5 for a shallow position.  Last year, Kelly Johnson and Casey McGehee exceeded expectations.  The year before Zobrist and Aaron Hill emerged.  I’m not sure what this means, but I think it means something.  Razzball:  Where We Raise Questions We Can’t Answer!  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  86/19/65/.249/18

10. Dan Uggla – When I explained in the preseason why I had Uggla a bit lower than some other ‘perts, here’s what I said, “The reason why he’s ranked below some of the guys above but his projections look as good if not better is because A) Kinsler has the biggest upside.  B) Phillips and Pedroia are safer.  C) Uggla has the biggest downside in one category, i.e. he could hit .240.”  And that’s me quoting me!  In the end, he didn’t quite get to .240.  Yup.  Preseason Rank #5, 2011 Projections:  90/32/100/.265/5, Final Numbers:  88/36/82/.233/1

11. Neil Walker – Couple of things come to mind when I see how close my preseason projections were to the final numbers for Neil Walker.  A) I ranked him lower than he ended up, which means 2nd base was even shallower than I thought it would be.  B) His numbers were terrible and he still ranked this high, which is more just a continuation of the first point.  C) There’s no C.  Preseason Rank #15, 2011 Projections:  65/15/75/.260/7, Final Numbers:  76/12/83/.273/9

12. Rickie Weeks – In the preseason, I called Rickie Weeks overrated because of his injury risk.  As I said then and will say again, it was the easiest call of the preseason.  Preseason Rank #6, 2011 Projections:  85/18/65/.250/14, Final Numbers:  77/20/49/.269/9

13. Danny Espinosa – I pushed Espinosa pretty hard in the preseason because, as always, I ignore average and get all pumped up on power and speed.  He succeeded and failed where I thought he would.  Preseason Rank #21, 2011 Projections:  60/15/70/.245/17, Final Numbers:  72/21/66/.236/17

14. Jemile Weeks – Will probably be overdrafted next year.  I say this because he hasn’t shown any power, he plays in a terrible park with a terrible team and his walk rate (in the majors, at least) was pretty bleh.  With all that said (here comes opposite talk!), he had a great season for a midseason call-up.  He gave you what you were hoping to get from Chone Figgins (Member him?  No, I don’t either.).  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  50/2/36/.303/22

15. Daniel Murphy – How kiddie pool shallow were the 2nd basemen?  Murphy ranked this high and he played his last game on August 7th.  Three ladies and gentlemen, your 2011 2nd basemen!  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  49/6/49/.320/5

16. Kelly Johnson – He seems to alternate years with a hard-to-digest average.  (In 2009, it was .224.)  This coincides with a poor BABIP.  This year’s BABIP wasn’t as bad as 2009, but his K-rate was terrible, which helped attribute to the poor average.  He should be able to bounce back next year, but that’s far from a lock.  Preseason Rank #13, 2011 Projections:  80/17/.260/60/12, Final Numbers:  75/21/58/.222/16

17. Aaron Hill – Fitting that Hill and Johnson would be tied together in the year-end rankings, since they were swapped mid-year and had very similar seasons in the general sense.  In the specific, their seasons were totally different.  Hill looked to be an average issue hitter that could at least give you power.  Not this year.  His power completely evaporated.  Oddly enough, he doubled his line drive rate from 2010 and lowered his K-rate.  In short (which I only say after going long), Hill’s season made no sense.  Seriously, I can’t make heads or tails of it.  Yes, even in hindsight it’s not 20/20.  It will take some brass ones to go all in on Hill again next year, but I’m leaning that way right now.  Preseason Rank #7, 2011 Projections:  80/25/85/.275/5, Final Numbers:  61/8/61/.246/21

18. Martin Prado – During the preseason, I ranked him extremely low at 17th overall for 2nd basemen.  This was such blasphemy, Matthew Berry called me out during one of his chats to say I was stoopid (sic).  Turned out I didn’t rank him low enough, with rank being the key word.  Preseason Rank #17, 2011 Projections:  85/12/60/.300/5, Final Numbers:  66/13/57/.260/4

19. Chase Utley – Sadly, the Utley we fell in love with in 2005 is no longer with us.  This new version is brittle like his pomade after it dries.  On a side note, with the loss of Howard for most if not all of 2012 and Utley’s deteriorating health, the Phils got weak fast.  Preseason Rank #4, 2011 Projections:  50/14/55/.280/5, Final Numbers:  54/11/44/.259/14

20. Darwin Barney – I didn’t rank him in the preseason and he shouldn’t even be ranked now.  The Purple Evolutionist’s final numbers show a guy that was helpful for a couple weeks here and there, but if you owned him all year, you lost your league.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  66/2/43/.276/9

In the next few days, the Diamondbacks are bringing up their top pitching prospect, Jarrod Parker, to work relief.  He’s a starter though, so it’ll be “Parker poseur” for all you indie kids out there with dark-rimmed glasses, smoking American Spirits.  In 2009, Stephen wrote, “(His) elbow tightness, that caused him to be DL’d on August 5th leading to a visit to Dr. Freeze’s office, is either a bad thing or a precautionary visit.  Speaking of which, I’d like to send Grey to the doctor’s office with my fist in his face.”  Hmm… That last line totally snuck past me the first time.  So, as we all know, no one goes to Dr. Freeze for precautionary reasons.  Parker missed the entire 2010 season after Tommy John surgery.  That’s a long time to eat Jell-O.  Unless you can eat solids after Tommy John surgery.  I don’t know, I’m not a doctor.  This year Parker’s rebounded nicely.  His stats (7.71 K-rate, 3.79 ERA) don’t read like he’s all the way back, but the Diamondbacks are promoting him and will allow him to compete for a 2012 rotation spot.  I trust the Diamondbacks’ judgment more than other teams and would absolutely take a flyer on Parker in keeper/NL-Only leagues.   Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dontrelle Willis – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, 12 baserunners and the last person who still had faith in Willis’ comeback lost it — Todd Bridges.

Juan Francisco – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  I’m gonna let you in on a little secret.  Lean close to the monitor so the guy reading over your shoulder can’t hear.  Okay, not that close, you’re gonna ruin your eyes.  I’m gonna like Juan Francisco a lot next year if he comes away with a starting job.  I mean, a lot.  Hang a big blinking sign on him that says sleeper.  You know what I’m saying?  Yeah, you do.  Okay, now back away from the monitor, it’s getting weird.

Brandon Phillips – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers.  I’m pretty surprised Phillips has been healthy and his power (14 HRs) and speed (10 SBs) are so down.  At 30 years old, he shouldn’t be falling off already.  Bring back steroids!

Brad Lincoln – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Stupid Lincoln!  I’m glad you’ve fallen behind Kennedy and Washington in modern day popularity polls.

Neil Walker – 3-for-4.  When he hit 2 homers in the first week of the season, I had such high hopes for this schmohawk.  He’s now hit 10 homers in the last 22 weeks.  That’s less than a half homer per week.  A half of a homer is a double.  So less than that means he’s stopping between first and second?  So useless.  I hate you, Neil Walker.

Starlin Castro – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer.  Can we say he was the one bright spot on the Cubs season?  Unless you count Big Z wearing a burlap sack muumuu and hailing a taxi to Crazy-ville.

Jeff Baker – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  It’s nice, but they don’t play him every day so it’s only worthwhile to note it in very deep leagues.

Brett Myers – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Phils.  I didn’t trust him for this start, but on a more important note.  His beard looks like it was art directed by Tim Burton.  Or he looks like he’s in The Hart Foundation.

Roy Oswalt – 7 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Charlie Manuel, “I said bring your “A” game, not a game!  Now where’s my straw for chewing?”

Chase Utley – Scheduled his second concussion test.  Guess he forgot he already took one.

Eric Surkamp – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks vs. the Padres.  He got the win, but this is his 2nd start against the Padres that hasn’t exactly made me a believer for this year.

Brent Morel – Had his 2nd 2 homer game in the last week.  My what a fancy mushroom you are! If you’re desperate for power, I could see taking a flyer hoping that he’ll stay hot for another two weeks.

John Danks – 5 IP, 7 ER.  My hate for Neil Walker is nothing compared to what I have for Danks.  I am Sideshow Bob and Danks is Bart.

Rafael Furcal – 2-for-5, hitting .292 over the last week with 2 steals.  He says he needs to get on base to steal bases.  Props to his baserunning coach.  Teaching some heavy shizz over there in St. Louis.  Next lesson:  After You Hit The Ball, Run To First.  Break it up into two parts so you don’t lose anyone.

Josh Willingham – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and The Other White Meat now has 2 homers in his last 4 games.  When he hits them, he hits them in bunches like Mr. Chiquita Banana.

Andrew Bailey – Wasn’t able to go yesterday because of being hit on the head by a Kurt Suzuki line drive.  Bailey said, “I’d be on a stretcher if it wasn’t for those Oakley sunglasses.”  Charles Oakley said, “You’d be on a stretcher if you took my sunglasses.”

Miguel Olivo – 2-for-4 with his 18th homer.  Speaking of hitting them in bunches, Olivo does too and this was his 2nd homer in four days.

Jeff Niemann – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He gets the Sawx next which sounds like a sad trombone until you realize he has a 1.06 ERA vs. them in 17 innings this year.

Joel Peralta – Struck out three in a perfect inning for the save.  Stop circling your prey, save vultures, and swoop in.

Ryan Raburn – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer.  He’s been so yawnstipating this year it’s hard for me to build up much excitement for him, but this could be the start of a week run of hotness.

Erick Aybar – On Sunday, he went 4-for-5 and yesterday he hit a homer.  EA is in the game.

Josh Beckett – Set to return this weekend.  We’re left waiting for Beckett to see if he’ll return to lay an existential egg.

Coco Crisp – Will miss at least three more days.  Snap, crackle, crap.

Manny Ramirez – Was arrested after a domestic dispute.  Maybe he was mad because his wife took his last fertility pill.  “Now how is Manny gonna be womanny?!”

Jeremy Hellickson threw a complete game yesterday giving up one earned run.  Great, tremendous, gremendous!  Hey, Rays, take out an ad in Variety for Hellickson for Rookie of the Year.  The ad can flaunt a quote from Rays beat writer Roger Mooney saying, “Hellickson is the best rookie pitcher I’ve ever seen!”  Rays blogger Jason Collette says, “He’s better than Melissa Leo!”  A Tampa Bay area Hooters waitress, “And he’s a good tipper!”  Last year, Hellickson threw a 155 2/3 innings.  Usual bump from one year to the next for young pitchers is 30 innings.  Back in the preseason, Buddy Holly Joe Maddon said Hellickson would be capped at 180 innings.  That’s probably give or take five innings.  Depending on whether or not Verducci shows up at Hellickson’s final start with disapproving eyes.  Right now, Hellickson is sitting at 164 1/3 innings.  Probably looking at three more starts for Hellickson.  Make sure you keep that in mind in H2H leagues.  Oh, and have a good Labor Day.  I’ll leave you with this quote, “You’re laborers.  You should be laboring.  That’s what you get for not having an education.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Francisco Liriano – Unlikely to pitch again this year.  If only this news came out in March.

Joe Mauer – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer.  Put a note on the Comatose Twins Fan to ‘Do Not Resuscitate.’

Dustin Ackley – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer.  He’s also hitting .400 over the week.  The Mariners have good reason to be excited, but that’s mostly because The Big FraGu is out for the year.  So much easier than diverting one’s eyes.

Jose Bautista – First to reach 40 homers.  I’ll say my miss on Bautista this year was the ultimate Mr. Bungle move.

Derek Jeter – 2-for-5 with his fifth homer of the year.  Or the sixth lowest homer total of all players with a full season of at-bats.  He’s tied with Maicer Izturis, but Maicer has almost a hundred less ABs.  Jeter reminds me of something.  You’ll never sleep with as many women as you’d like to?  No, random italicized voice.  He reminds how terrible name recognition can be for fantasy baseball.

Alex Rodriguez – Returned over the weekend and hit a homer yesterday.  That’s his 15th homer this year, or how many times he’s openly begged Jeter for his approval.

Ian Kinsler – 3-for-5 with his 25th homer.  Was also his fourth homer in the past 4 games and has 23 steals on the year with only 2 caught stealings.  Sure, the average (.245) is a bit blehtastic, but that could easily be at .270 as he continues to prove the Ranger hitters credo, “If healthy, good.”  So it’s not the snappiest credo, but it’s accurate.

Nelson Cruz – Says he can get back prior to the estimated three weeks.  Cool, that means he can get another injury in before the end of the year.  Take odds, Vegas.  Take odds.

Mike Napoli – 2-for-3 with his 23rd homer as he hits .293.  Imagine he didn’t go through stretches where his manager temporarily benches him because Napoli’s hitting on their daughter.

Dee Gordon – 3-for-5 with his third steal in the three games since he returned.  Mouth on the left side of the screen says, SAG.  Mouth on the right side of the screen says, NOF.  They come together for SAGNOF.

Randall Delgado – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Took over Jar-Jar’s spot in the rotation and meesa tinks he’ll stay in the rotation for the better part of the rotation.  He’s still a rookie that could give a solid six inning start, a four inning/four earned run turd or something in the middle like today.  In other words, he’s a’ight for NL-Only leagues.  In other other words, last week I was in my other other Benz.

Brennan Boesch – Done for the year with thumb surgery.  Boesch & Thumb contact rends.

Johan Santana – News has changed once again for Johan.  First, he’s coming back in June.  Then he’s coming back in July.  Wait, he’ll be back, definitely, in August.  Nope, he’s not returning.  Yes, he’ll be back next week.  Or the final week of the season.  Or not at all.  Whatever the Mets say, he’s not worth owning anyway.

Mike Stanton – Left the game with a hamstring injury.  He’s day-to-day.  If everyone wants to sign a card and have me deliver it to him, I’m hiding in the bushes next to his garage.  I mean, get well soon, Mike.  I mean… No, that’s what I meant.  *nervous laughter*

Hanley Ramirez – Has been confirmed that he will have shoulder surgery.  With some hard work and a dedication to being the best, he’ll be ready to go for the start of next season.  So, he won’t be ready.  I’m going to gauge things further this offseason, but I’m almost certainly not going anywhere near him next year.  I try to stay away from players coming off big surgeries, unless I feel like the injury wasn’t something that could linger.  You know, like Morneau this year.  Now I’m done with all players coming off a major injury/surgery.  Show me one player who overperformed coming off a major injury and I’ll show you 25 that didn’t.

Jon Jay – Homered yesterday and 6 for his last 11.  He also expressed his pride for the way the original thirteen colonies bounced back from Hurricane Irene.

Jason Motte – On Saturday, he recorded the save, then on Sunday Salas gave up a run and lost the game.  If you’re a save vulture circling around for some tasty meat to feed on, I’d peck on Motte.

Torii Hunter – Says he might retire after the 2012 season.  This is neither funny nor interesting (which is implying other things I write are, but anyway…), Hunter will almost certainly have a job at a major network as an analyst.

Carlos Carrasco – Might be headed for TJ surgery, which involves a copious amount of tequila and two donkeys.  No, that’s Tijuana surgery.  My bad.

Shelley Duncan – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs, 2 homers and 6 people hospitalized after he high-fived his teammates.

Juan Francisco – 4-for-5 yesterday and homered on Friday.  He’s now started three of four games since he was recalled.  Not mixed league worthy yet, but I got my pet marmoset watching him closely.  I only have so much time.

Sean Marshall – Notched his fourth save as Marmol sat on the bench and thought about what he had done on Saturday.  Ya know, give up a grand slam to Derrek Lee.  Marmol’s still probably the closer, if only to frustrate Cubs fans and his fantasy owners.

Carlos Beltran – 8 for his last 11 as he carries the Giants to a solid 2nd place finish.

Brian Wilson – Threw off the mound on Sunday, but there’s no timetable for his return.  The Giants could opt to shut down Wilson if they fall out of the race, but he seems like the type that would want to return even if the Giants’ playoff chances are remote.  Though I might have a facial hair basis.

Anthony Rizzo – 0-for-3 as he was recalled, with recall being the optimal word considering how he’s played thus far.  I’d be shocked if the Padres don’t find a way to get Jesus Guzman’s bat in the lineup on a consistent basis since he’s batting .337.  Even if the Padres just Mad Lib first base on the lineup card, Blanks will probably be filled in the most with Rizzo’s promotion.

Dexter Fowler – 3-for-4, now hitting near .350 over the last week with two homers and two steals.  Right now, Dexter is murdering the ball.

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (1 Hit), 8 Ks vs. the Astros.  Crazy the lineup of Jordan Schafer, Paredes, Martinez, Bogus..etc. didn’t give him a harder time.  The team Ed Wade’s Toupee put together would have a hard time beating the Little League Champions two out of three games.

Neil Walker – 1-for-4 with his 12th homer.  Member when he was good?  In like April.  Ah, yeah, good times.

Alex Presley – 2-for-5 with a steal.  Now 10 for his last 18 with a homer and two steals.  He’s been so hot Pirate cameramen have been asked to only film him from the waist up.

Anibal Sanchez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Due to an umpire call, the game is under review.  A fan interfered with a Pence double, which was overturned with instant replay.  Charlie Manuel then argued that there’s no such cotton-pickin’ thing as instant replay and the moon is made of green cheese.  We’ll await the MLB’s Executive Vice President of Baseball Operations Joe Torre’s decision.  I’d say it’s pretty likely the call is overturned and the game resumes with Torre’s final verdict being, “Hey, whatever gets more middle relievers in the game.”

Charlie Manuel confirmed Cole Hamels would have his next start skipped after an MRI showed he had shoulder inflammation.  But Manuel was wearing a wooden barrel being held up by suspenders so it made it difficult to pay attention to what he was saying.  Manuel then said, “When I ask for a straw, I don’t want a drinking straw.  Drinking straws are for 13-year-old girls!”  You know what would’ve been nice?  If Hamels settled all this MRI shizz before I had to set my weekly fantasy lineup.  Yes, this is all about me.  Here’s hoping Hamels only needs to miss one start and then can come back at full strength.  Though for a club that can afford to rest him and coast into the playoffs, it seems like a pipe dream.  But what about my H2H playoffs?!  Have I mentioned recently how much I hate H2H?  You got your marbles on the line and teams are resting their best marbles for the playoffs.  Marbles!  BTW, no one knows what that means, but it’s provocative.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Roy Halladay – 9 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 14 Ks.  From Rudy, “My DVR still has The Golden Girls from when my parents visited.  Oh, Estelle Getty, your delivery is prettier than Roy Halladay’s.”

Casper Wells – Has now homered in four straight games.  Casper was one of those cases where I saw him hit a homer and disregarded it, figuring he wouldn’t hit another one immediately.  Then disregarded the 2nd and 3rd homers too.   After four in a row, it’s hard to disregard.  He’s really not this good, I promise you.  But, and unless you’re an alien there’s always a but, he’s hitting the cover off the ball so you may as well grab him to see how long it can continue.

A.J. Pierzynski – To the DL.  He fractured his wrist trying to write his last name in cursive.

Hanley Ramirez – Won’t return when eligible.  If grit and doggedness were pistachios and cashews, Hanley would be allergic to nuts.

Jason Kipnis – Out for three straight days with a right oblique injury.  Why whenever I write Kipnis, I feel like a nosh?

Ubaldo Jimenez – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Maybe the Indians might want to raise the mound up a mile above sea level.

Pedro Alvarez – Optioned to Triple-A.  Pirates told him to come back when he can hit like that Brandon Wood fella.

Carlos Beltran – To the DL.  Mets doctors, “See, it wasn’t us!”

Jonathan Sanchez – To the DL.  He was seen on crutches yesterday after hurting his ankle.  For the first time, Sanchez can’t pitch because he can’t walk, usually it’s he can’t pitch because he can walk.

Chris Davis – Season’s over with a shoulder tear.  Obviously not easy to shoulder Bill James’s expectations.

Paul Goldschmidt – Has 19 Ks in 42 ABs.  He’s like Mark Reynolds 2.0.  Mark-Paul Reynoldschmidt who, unlike Mark-Paul Gosselaar, strikes out a lot.

Josh Collmenter – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Let’s look at his last ten starts.  He was beat badly by the Giants (5 IP, 5 ER), Oakland (4 2/3 IP, 5 ER) and the Dodgers twice (6 IP, 11 ER).  All these teams combined have one decent hitter (Kemp).  Then against the Phils, Brewers and Rockies (27 2/3 IP, 5 ER).  Collmenter should be starting the next All-Star game.

Mike Morse – 2-for-4, and his 21st homer.  His season slash line is .323/.372/.566.  Or maybe that’s his dot dot slash line.

Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-4 with his 7th homer and 9th error.  The Mat Gamel special!

Chien-Ming Wang – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks vs. Mike Leake (6 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks).  Waited for someone at the park to hold up a sign that said, “Leake’s Here, Wang, Urine Trouble!”

Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-8 with his 21st and 22nd homer.  Read something on ESPN by one of their analcysts and it was saying how Adrian Gonzalez is the clear frontrunner for the MVP over Ellsbury.  All I know is if Ellsbury hit third this year, he’d have 27 homers, 35 steals and 120 RBIs.

Jeff Niemann – 9 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Sonavabench!

Desmond Jennings – 3-for-9 and his 5th homer to go along with his 9 steals, all in 23 games.  *drools*  To be totally silly, his numbers over a whole season prorate to 35 homers and 63 steals.  Reading that again, I just started giggling like a schoolgirl.  I will now go buy a Trapper Keeper and write his name all over it in pink highlighter.

J.D. Martinez – 0-for-4, lowering his average to .254.  The pressure of being the Astros’ hope and dreams obviously caught up to him.

Randall Delgado – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Threw six no-hit innings until Cody Ross took him deep.  He’s being sent back down, but is well worth watching for when he returns.  Probably not the first person to make this comparison, but Teheran, Delgado, Minor, Beachy and Hanson?  Sounds a lot like what Leo Mazzone was rocking back and forth to for so many years like he was The Masturbating Bear.

Arodys Vizcaino – Speaking of dazzling Brave arms, Vizcaino has 5 1/3 IP, 5 Ks, 2 hits allowed and no earned runs so far since his call-uuuuuuuuup a’la Dave Hester.

Yovani Gallardo – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Of course, he didn’t get the win.  Why would he?  I started him after all.  I will now walk barefoot on crushed glass.

Leo Nunez – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Continuing to limp along.  Cuff him with Cishek or Dunn.

Ivan Nova – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Well, that Nova burnt out quickly.

Troy Tulowitzki – Homered for the 2nd game in a row.  It must be August or September.  (Which is totally unfair, he was actually pretty solid all year.)

Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Has five straight quality starts.  He’s not owned everywhere, according to ESPN, but he should be.

Carlos Marmol – 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  Here’s a video of what Marmol did last night.

Justin Verlander – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, which brings him to a 2.31 ERA, 0.88 WHIP and 204 Ks.  Will be a real joy in the playoffs when Tim McCarver explains how Verlander burst onto the scene this year, failing to mention how he’s been dominating 3 of the past 4 years.

Neil Walker – 3-for-5 with his 10th homer.  He’s now 5 for his last 8.  For someone that was cold for so long this might be the start of something.

Bobby Parnell – The Mets confirmed yesterday what I had been saying for a few weeks.  Parnell will take over the closer job now that Izzy got his 300th save.  Although the whole time I was saying it, I never stopped to think about it.  Who cares if Izzy saved 300 games?  Wasn’t like the Mets were doing this for the fanfare.  Izzy didn’t even record his 300th save in Metco.  Did Outback Steakhouse donate 300 blooming onions to the first 300 fans for the next Mets game?  Do the Mets want Izzy to wear their cap when he’s inducted into baseball’s Almost Hall of Fame with Fred McGriff?  300 saves is about as illustrious as a manager winning 300 games over the course of four seasons.  May the who’s better “Jason Isringhausen vs. Jeff Reardon” debates now start in earnest!