The Indians said this, “We don’t expect Grady Sizemore to play 150 to 160 games like he has in the past.” At the start of the 2012 season it will be four years the last time he played that many games, so I’m glad they’re being realistic. They should’ve also said, “We don’t expect him to steal 20 bases. Hit 20 homers. Hit for much of an average unless you consider .250 much. Here’s hoping he takes some more nude pictures of himself and we get Grady’s Ladies buying season tickets again. Now I’m going back to my game of Words With Friends with Asdrubal.” If you want to assume Grady’s going to be fully healthy in 2012, something I would not assume, then you should get a line near 80/18/75/.250/5. Oh my dear deity of your choice, Sizemore has become Torii Hunter with a poor average. I’d avoid unless he falls very late or goes for cheap.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Neftali Feliz
With the the top 20 closers for 2011 fantasy baseball, we’ve finished our recap of the 2011 fantasy baseball rankings. Some will feel like it came too soon, others will think let’s get 2012 under way already! Whichever camp you fall in, don’t eat cherimoya seeds, they are poisonous. This is our final look back. This is still a look back. It is not how I’d rank them for 2012 aka next year. As with the other rankings, the final rankings come from ESPN’s Player Rater. I did this so I could objectively critique MY preseason rankings to THEIRS. Their rankings for closers weigh wins when I’d just want saves, but whatevs. At least it’s unbiased. Anyway, here’s the top 20 closers for 2011 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:
1.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Friends, neighbors and Razzballians, this is the last Closer Look of the season. Sure, I’ll talk about closers during the roundups in the last month, but no more rankings that become dated usually about an hour after I post them. The sadness! The grief! The inconsequence of it all! Since our last look at all the closers, the loss of Brian Wilson — not The Beach Boy, we lost him 25 years ago to the purple pills — is the biggest news from last month to now that isn’t weather related. I’d say we also lost Jon Rauch, but I’m not sure he was ever the closer and he’s seven-three so you can’t really lose him. Just look up. Bobby Parnell finally took over for Izzy after his momentous 300th save that was reported all across the globe (in a small blurb under a classified ad for a used couch.) Jason Motte got a vote of confidence from his manager then a vote of no confidence, which I’m sure will flip-slop at least five more times in September. Jordan Walden fatigued, needs a nap. Huston Street got hurt — shocker! Leo Nunez did his usual late-season dive. Finally, Gregg gaggs yet aggain, but he’s been like that for years and it’s never changed his job security. He’s the Teflon Closer. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad?
Please, blog, may I have some more?I was like, “Yo, Grey, you gotta do a Closer Look, like, last week so everyone knows what is the haps on closers!” Then I was like, “After the trading deadline, which I went over in Toto, not a whole lot changes.” Then I was like, “What is “the haps?” The happenings? Then say that. And ‘in Toto?’ Are you talking in code for ‘in Total Douchebag?’” It’s a constant struggle with myself to give you the best product, and, when I don’t give you the best product, it’s usually me blabbering about how it’s a constant struggle to give you the best product. Incredibly, in the last month there’s only been three closer changes. Capps to Nathan, Bastardo to Madson, which only happened because Madson was briefly injured last month when I did the last Closer Look, and D-ork to the Brewers, making Izzy the closer, which has been well documented on this site, and by ‘this site’ I mean the one you’re reading right now, not the porn window you have open underneath it. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad?
Please, blog, may I have some more?
As it turns out, the MLB trade deadline was much ado about nothing, at least in the world of the Bottom of the 9th. Heath Bell remains with the Padres as the closer, while Mike Adams was dealt to a new team, but not to close.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Jonny Gomes was acquired by the Washington Nationals. This is exciting for Gomes’s family and any National fans who like to make signs for the games but can’t write the letter H. Gomes will platoon with Nix and, if anything, his value is hurt a bit by the home venue change. The real story is the call up of Reds prospect, Yonder Alonso. In 353 ABs in Triple-A this year, Alonso had 12 homers and 6 steals with a .297 average. I took all the prospect reports on Alonso and put through my supercomputer and out came, “Should develop into a 20+ homer hitter with a great eye. Reds TV can save time by eliminating instant replay because he runs like he’s in slow mo.” His starting time may be iffy in Cincy, platooning in left field. Did this stop me from grabbing him? Well, to use one of the worst songs of all time, I’d rather hurt you with honesty than mislead you with a lie so I’ll just come out and tell you I grabbed Alonso in every league where I could. My leagues are deep though, so in most mixed leagues you can wait to see his playing time. In keepers and NL-Only leagues, you proceed without caution. Or no caveat emptor, for our friends in Latin America. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jose Bautista – Left yesterday’s game after getting beaned in the melon. He left on his own power and is being called day-to-day with no signs of a concussion. Maybe the hit on the head will have him return as Jason Bourne. That would be cool. Then he bring down Aaron Hill for trying to kill my fantasy teams.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Ryan Madson hit the DL and some Bastardo took over, Broxton is a bastardo and Guerra is getting saves since Kuo can’t watch Lifetime without crying — assuming there are Dodger saves, Rauch was named the closer and Frank2 started getting all the saves, Lyon is out for the season and Melancon looks terrible, La Russa changed closers three times since you started reading this run-on sentence, Jordan Walden has been taking pointers from Fernando Rodney and Kevin Gregg actually moved up the ranks. Brain Freezes, your saves are cheap, but your headaches are senseless. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad?
Please, blog, may I have some more?
Sounds like Ike Davis is done for the year. He could be facing microfracture ankle surgery. Man, will the Mets ever catch a big break? First, Beltran had microfracture surgery on his knee, and now Davis. What’s with the Mets and tiny surgery? Can’t the Mets find a normal-sized doctor? Microsurgery is the 101 class if you’re going to be a surgeon. Macrosurgery is the 102 class. That’s a little known fact — literally! For fantasy purposes, just think, now you have more room on your DL. You’re welcome. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brandon Beachy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks. That’s one for the Brandon Beachy Memoirs. Now if only he’d stop looking up his cousin’s dress.
Please, blog, may I have some more?The questions have started about Heath Bell getting traded. I think there’s a good chance it happens. Well, Hair Lip, there goes his value! Not so fast, random italicized voice. I guess you have all the answers! Actually, I have questions. What if he’s traded to the Cards or Angels? What if Huston Street gets hurt and the Rockies grab Bell? What if the Mariners gain a few games on the Rangers and become buyers? What if your boss replaces you with a coyote that was raised by humans and can flip burgers better than you? Do you see what I’m saying here? Don’t sell Bell short because of trade rumors. Lots of things can happen.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Last night, Buster Posey was carried off the field after Scott Cousins plowed him over. This was the worst bang-bang play a catcher took in San Francisco since– Okay, you almost drew me into that one, but I’m not going there. It didn’t look good as Posey wasn’t able to put weight on his leg. Everyone’s favorite lox dealer, Eli Whiteside, would take over if the busted Posey misses time. As Eli would say, oy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mike Minor – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. The reason why I haven’t been screaming for you to grab this Minor, besides the fact I’m not Gary Glitter or Jeffrey Jones, is I have no idea the Braves plan for him. I imagine he’s sent back down as soon as Beachy returns. You can pick up Minor, just in case he sticks. I do still have much love for him. Even if he hasn’t returned any of my phone calls, appreciated my unannounced drop-bys or patted my butt when I’ve asked him to.
Please, blog, may I have some more?
