Fantasy Baseball Advice

If the name Casper Wells doesn’t get you excited, check your pulse.  You probably still have one, otherwise I’m not sure how you’re reading this.  Are you reading this from beyond the grave?  Wow, nothing else to do in the afterlife but read about fantasy baseball?  That’s awesome!  In Triple-A last year, Casper Wells hit 21 homers and chucked in 7 steals.  He’s never been much of an average hitter, hmm, that’s not exactly true.  He’s a very average 5th outfielder for fantasy, but he doesn’t hit for much of an average.  He fails to take a walk and strikes out a decent amount.  Earlier this week, Casper hit the sheets out of the ball, homering in four straight games.  That’s obviously the ceiling, but, for some pop (assuming you’re not from Minnesota), I’d grab Casper.  BTW, Casper’s cheering section should boo.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Ramon Ramirez – What do you get when you mix a Horacio Ramirez (Hor-Ram) and an Asdrubal Cabrera (As-Cab)? A Man-Ram Ram-Ram — heyo!  Casilla could see saves, and Affeldt, and Ram-Ram.  Basically, anyone in the Giants bullpen may see saves.  I’d grab Ram-Ram first, only because he’s already got a save in Wilson’s stead.

Rafael Betancourt – He’s the closer right now.  If that’s the kind of thing that gets your goat, bleat bleat.

Chris Sale – The White Sox want to move Sale into a starting role next year, so, of course, Ozzie sends him out for some saves.  Santos is still their closer, but Sale will see some saves, depending on how long the time is between his blinks.

Bobby Parnell – He’s the closer in Metco because Izzy reached the who-knew-it-was-coveted 300 save plateau.

Frank Francisco – All SAGNOF, all the time today, huh?

Stephen Strasburg – I just wrote my Strasburg fantasy.  I wrote it while doing a body shot off your sister.  She likes mustaches.  Blame her.

Randy Wolf – I almost left the Wolfman off the list because I have so little faith in him.  He seems as likely to go eight innings in his start tomorrow vs. the Mets as he does going five innings and giving up four runs.

Wade Miley – In Triple-A, he had a 3.64 ERA and 56 Ks in 54 1/3 IP.  Yawn, Grey.  How about Miley sigh…Bust?  I understand, Random Italicized Voice, it doesn’t look good but that was in the hitter-friendly PCL.  Where the baseballs are made of helium?  Yes, I’d grab Miley in NL-Only leagues and watch in mixed.

Jesus Montero – What is that you’re feeding your horse, Apollo?  Hay, Zeus.  At some point, Montero is going to get called up and be a huge letdown because of all his freakin’ build up.  Should just start calling him The Phantom Menace.

Brandon Belt – He hit two homers the first day after his recall, since then it looks like he should be recalled in the other sense of the word.  He still has great promise for a better tomorrow.  This message was brought to you by the Committee to Elect Grey Albright for Public Office and Stop Whoever Keeps Vandalizing the L Out of the Word Public.

Lucas Duda – In the last seven Duda Duda days, he has two homers while batting .292.

Brandon Allen – The man who sounds like a furniture store has been hitting with the A’s and playing every day sofa, but to couch my comments I’m not sure it’ll continue.

Johnny Giavotella – Playing 2nd base for the peasant Royals and running like crazy, and by crazy I mean not always successfully.  Fist pump!

Jimmy Paredes – Speaking of middle infidels that can get you steals, Paredes had 29 steals in Double-A (with a yawnstipating caught stealing percentage, but whatever).  He’s playing 3rd every day for the Astros.  Welcome to the Dominican Republican Paredes, My Chemical Romance.

Darwin Barney – The Purple Evolutionist is hitting again as he did in the beginning of the season when he gave a little bit of everything except power and speed.

Ryan Raburn – “He’s hitting so much…”  Match Game audience response, “How much is he hitting?”  He’s actually hitting, that’s how much.  Remind me next year that Raburn’s big 2nd half isn’t a sign that a big 1st half in 2012 is coming.

Delmon Young – The other day I went over my Delmon Young fantasy.  I wrote it while applying deodorant in an Arby’s bathroom.

Peter Bourjos – If you were to hold Tabata and Bourjos’s season stats next to each other, it would be like Adam Sandler in Jack and Jill, which looks like it might be the worst comedy ever made by a non-Wayan.

Jose Tabata – See 1/8th of an inch above.

Garrett Jones – 41/14/46/.247/5 is his line so far this year.  That’s the line that, uh, draws the line between serviceable in NL-Only and mixed leagues.

Ben Revere – He has 21 steals so far this year and he’s hitting leadoff every day for the Twins, who need to run.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see Revere get to 35 steals by the end of the year.  The steals are coming, the steals are coming!

Nate Schierholtz – He’s currently hitting, but, and maybe this is just me, on teams where I own Schierholtz, I have a hard time looking at my team with the lights on.

SELL

Michael Pineda - I love Ks as much as the next guy, potentially more, but at some point you gotta stop the bleeding.  Pineda’s ERA in July was 6.75 and it’s 6.55 in August.  He’s young, wearing down, yadda³.  We’ll grab him again next year, don’t worry.

Carlos Beltran – People are dropping Beltran like Pat Burrell drops flies, and I understand it.  Aging vet, bad ballpark and now has a hand injury.  Even when he returns, I don’t have much hope for him.

Jason Kubel – Frankly, no relation to Cliff, Kubel isn’t that exciting when he’s hitting, and he has not been hitting anything the whole season.  Kinda like the entire Twins offense.

Jason Bay – He has 9 homers, 10 steals and a .239 average on the year.  Now I want you to look deep in your soul to answer this next question, would you own him if his name was Crappy McCrapstein?

Todd Helton – We’re cleaning out your father’s fantasy team’s closets today, huh?  To preemptively answer your question, I’d go with Carp over Helton.  And Morneau (and we know how much I like him).  And Moreland.  And Jesus Guzman.  Okay, I’d go with a lot of guys over Helton.  If you think I’m crazy, you may want to check to make sure you’re not watching Sportscenter on ESPN Classic.

Took a few years, but the Twins found out that youth is wasted on the Young as they sang, “May You Stay (Away) Forever, Young.”  Yesterday, the Detroit Tigers became the first club to acquire both Meat Hooks.  A distinction that I’m not sure other clubs wanted.  It’s not like we can look at his stats this year and say Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome was stifling him either.  Delmon Young had 3 homers in away games this year in 157 ABs.  That’s pathetic.  That’s the same number of away homers as Carlos Ruiz.  That’s the same number of homers Pence hit in the last ten games.  Sure, Young had a good 2010, but that was preceded by three miserable years.  Yet, he a fresh start, and he seems like the type that will be happy in new surroundings, until the novelty wears off.  (See, he needs to find happiness within, but we’ll leave that to Deepak Chopra.)  To show his happiness, he hit a homer yesterday, creaming the ball in his first at-bat after getting squeezed out of Twinkie town.  To boil this down into something that could fit on a fortune cookie, I’d pick up Delmon to see if his newfound happiness can last a month-plus.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brennan Boesch – I was gonna tell ya’ll that Boesch’s playing time wouldn’t be hurt by the acquisition of Delmon, but then Boesch went and hurt his thumb and will miss a few games.  I think when he returns he’ll be back in the lineup with Magglio Ordonez moving to a backup role.  Though Leyland is so old school that he doesn’t even change his lineup — “Hey, Boesch is usually our three hitter and he’s out, so let’s put Delmon right in there” — so I wouldn’t count on Cancer Man sitting the vet.  In other words, it’s all up in the air with a capital Clooney.

Ryan Raburn – 1-for-5 with his 11th home run.  With Guillen doing what Guillen does best (toasting Pop Tarts while injured — I’m guessing this is what most ballplayers do while injured, don’t know for sure), Raburn should see most of the starts at 2nd base.  If he rattled off one good month, it would surprise me less than his five bad months.

Brian Wilson – 2/3 IP, 3 ER after giving himself the green light to pitch.  Sorta like the exec who gave Ishtar the green light.  Hey, old timey reference, good to see you!  Romo’s out for real with an elbow something-or-other, so if you’re desperate for vulture saves I’d grab Ram-Ram or Affeldt.  Those aren’t ringing endorsements.

Pablo Sandoval – Left the game after a foul off his foot.  His teammates said this wasn’t the first time someone had to leave somewhere because of a foul coming off Pablo’s foot.

Nate Schierholtz -  The man whose last name is German for pantyhose has gone deep in back-to-back games.  When he gets hot (for about a week or so), he gets hot.

Jim Thome – Hit his 600th home run yesterday.  Someone who hasn’t followed baseball since 1995 is really impressed.

Francisco Liriano – 6 IP, 5 ER and the conshellation win as if he’s gotten so many other types of wins this year.  When I read the box score and it says “F Liriano,” I agree.

Ben Revere – 2-for-5 with his 21st steal.  With Young being traded, Revere should see everyday time.  If you need steals, SAGNOF!

Dan Uggla – 1-for-4 as he started a one game hit streak.  Adam Dunn, “Pfft!  I’ve had like 12 of those this year!”

Jose Constanza – 3-for-3, I can’t say I truly understand the Constanza, but he has 5 steals in the last ten games, he’s starting every day and hitting.

Eric Thames – Now has 3 homers in 4 games.  He’s decorating box scores better than Kelly on Design Star.  What, my ex-girlfriend programmed it into my Tivo last year and I figured since it was recorded I’d watch it.  Stop judging me.

Brett Lawrie – Hit his third home run in his 10th game.  I feel like he’s trying to encroach on my Desmond Jennings rookie nookie love.  Which is kinda hot.  Fight for my love!

Adam Lind – Hit his 2nd homer in 3 games as he remembers why I have him on my freakin’ teams.

Mike Carp – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs with 2 homers.  Love that he hit 2 homers; lurve that he hit them in Safeco.

Lucas Duda – 3-for-4 as he hit his second homer in as many games.  You say hot schmotato, I say hot schmotahto.

Leo Nunez – 1 IP, 3 ER with his 5th blown save.  He also took a grounder off his pitching hand, which could cause him to miss some time.  On top of that, Mujica’s injured and Mike Dunn didn’t compliment Hanley on his wash bucket drum solo, so Steve Cishek could see some saves over the next few days.

Mike Stanton – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer.  He’s on pace for 34 homers and 90 RBIs at the age of 21.  Boing!

Ryan Doumit – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th home run.  Better yet, he’s healthy!  Though that might not be true by the time you read this.

Jesus Montero – Jon Heyman suspects the Yankees won’t recall their prospect until September.  Heyman was also who suspected Montero would be called up by now.  I think I’d like to play Heyman in Clue.

Carlos Zambrano – Supposedly, Sammy Sosa texted Big Z some words of support.  He told him to pretend he doesn’t speak English and say, “Baseball has been berry berry good to me.”

Ryan Braun - 2-for-4 with the slam & legs.  Now has 23 homers and 23 steals.  He’s like Lady Justice balancing his power and speed.

Andre Ethier – 0-for-3, hitting .297 with ten homers and zero steals on the year. Be fun to see where this schmohawk gets drafted next year.  I’m guessing still higher than he deserves.

Brandon Allen – 3-for-4 and 6 for his last 10.  Conor Jackson who?!  The yawnstipating 1st baseman the A’s usually play.  I know, Random Italicalized Voice, it’s a figure of speech.  ‘Conor Jackson who’ is a figure of speech?  Forget it.

Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I’ll keep this short and not that sweet.  When he’s in O.co (seriously, dubya tee eff with that stadium name?) giving up four runs to the O’s, things are not okay.  He can’t be started anywhere now.

Nelson Cruz – Hit his 26th homer then left with cramps.  Has been almost 28 days since his last injury.

Cole Hamels – Underwent a “precautionary MRI.”  The Phils are “optimistic” it’s “nothing” but Hamels still “may miss” his next start.  The preceding was brought to you by Zagat.

Trading season is upon us and Leo Nunez and Heath Bell could be out while Mike Dunn or Mike Adams could be in.  And K-Rod is 5 minutes ago, according to Jessica Shaw.  Every time Bell seems more likely to be traded first, Jeffrey Loria whips his checkbook onto the Marlins GM’s back to trade faster.  Between Dunn and Adams, Dunn is less likely to get saves between him and Adams.  Dunn’s chances skyrocket if he can bake McKeon’s favorite prune cookies or if he pushes Cishek down a flight a stairs.  Outside of trading, Aroldis Chapman is nipping on Francisco Cordero’s heels, but don’t forget Dusty’s penchant to stick with his incumbent.  On a related note, Ancestry.com revealed earlier this week that Dusty is a direct descendent of Jim O’Rourke, the manager of the 1883 Buffalo Bisons who once pitched Pud Galvin 656 1/3 innings in one season.  Your best bet for saves is to grab Mike Adams, Dunn or Chapman, in that order.  Or reverse order if you’re dyslexic.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Bobby Parnell – It’s all SAGNOF, all the time today, huh?  Hold the chicken, bring me the toast, give me a check for the chicken salad sandwich and put the SAGNOF between your knees.

Jason Isringhausen – Between Parnell and Izzy, I like Parnell.  Okay, that’s a lie.  I like whoever the Mets want to use in the ninth.  But I like Parnell to be used in the ninth more.

Jon Rauch – Him and his neck tattoo will shank you with saves.

Sean Marshall – I originally thought if Marmol gets replaced Wood would (stutterer!) take over over (stop stuttering!) Marshall, but Quade says Marshall, so that’s the guy to grab.  I also don’t think Marmol loses the job for long.  Maybe a few days to a week.

Javy Guerra – Only owned in 18% of ESPN leagues, but 85% of ESPN leagues are abandoned so I guess he’s owned in 103% of leagues.  Sounds a little high.

Paul Maholm – Has a 2.96 ERA, a 1.18 WHIP and you’re standing there with your hands in your pants playing pocket bocci ball.

Vance Worley – A tub of Liquid Paper is about to fall on his stats for some correction, but while he’s pitching well on a good team, as Fonzie’s horse said, what the hey?

Aaron Harang – Good for home starts and if your league has the category, “Ugly.”

Cory Luebke – Has an ERA of 2.57 and a WHIP of 0.89.  Geez, Officer Luebke, an ERA and WHIP like that?!

Mike Trout – Don’t have much faith in the Los Angeles Angels of Orange County Which Could Become A Different State From Los Angeles playing Trout once Bourjos returns, but I’d hold him to see how it pans out.

Nate Schierholtz – Every dawn has its day, every rose has its thorn and every year Schierholtz gets hot for about two weeks at a time.

Jose Tabata – Does he realize that the B in SB stands for base, not baby?  Maybe, maybe not.  Any the hoo!  He should be back any day now, Annie Potts.  I’d grab him in all but the shallowest leagues.  What’s the worst thing that could happen?  He goes 0-for-35 and steals your baby?  Big whoop!

Brandon Allen – Just went over my Brandon Allen fantasy.  I wrote it while manscaping.  Don’t judge me.

Scott Sizemore – With Grady being yawnstipating, Scott is about the only Sizemore doing anything, unless you count Tom Sizemore doing coke.

Jason Kipnis – Before we starting reaching around on each other that we picked up Kipnis first, what current rookie call up has made a difference on your team if you’re in a league shallower than 14 teams?  I like Kipnis for some light speed and power and decent average.  In two months, he could give you 7/7.  Get one more seven and you’ll have a jackpot in Reno, not so much in fantasy baseball.

Zack Cozart – I gave you my Zack Cozart fantasy last week.  I wrote it while playing craps with Pete Rose.

Eduardo Nunez – Maybe Nunez, the Yankees super-sub, can have A-Rod get Boras on the horn to see if Nunez can get some endorsements while he’s filling in for the next month.  “Bronx Subway’s Super-sub is a steal!”  That’s Eduardo Nunez badly reading a cue card in a local commercial.  BTW, what smells worse — New York subways or a Subway restaurant?

SELL

Shaun Marcum – We had high hopes for Marcum this year, didn’t we?  Well, I did.  Member in January when I had rented that biplane and wrote Marcum in a heart in the sky?  We found out two things that day 1) I loved Marcum 2) I look good in aviator goggles.  He didn’t fully disappoint.  7 wins, 3.39/1.13/101 Ks in the 1st half is nothing to sneeze at unless you’re allergic to productive #2 fantasy starters.  The problem moving forward is I think he’s still hurt.  He’s a man’s man that eats grizzly bear steaks and wears their dead grizzly heads for a hat, so I think he’s going to try to pitch through the pain and be less effective.  I wouldn’t trade him for a Billy Butler-endorsed manssiere, but I’d explore options.

Johnny Cueto – He has a 1.96 ERA and a 1.00 WHIP.  His K-rate is 5.44 and his walk rate is 2.83.  Another temporarily unnamed pitcher has a K-rate of 5.35 and a walk rate of 2.83.  That’s Fausto Carmona and his ERA is 5.78.  Obviously they’re not the same pitcher unless they urinated in a fountain while making a wish.  Cueto’s BABIP is .218 and he’s leaving more than 80% of men on base.  A pimply teenager runs into frame and screams, “Watch out!  Johnny Cueto is gonna fall back to earth!”  I’ve said that before, but everything in Hollywood needs a sequel.

Apparently, A-Rod’s got a bucket list (get creative with letter replacements for b) that he wrote when he was 15 years old.  Madonna, check.  Cameron Diaz, check.  Christie Brinkley, check.  “I wonder if Phoebe Cates will come to my pool party.”  To spice things up, he puts on Betamax copies of Skinemax movies.  “Oh, Emmanuelle…” Who needs Derek Jeter’s rejects when you can have Mickey Rourke’s?  So with the media circus surrounding Jeter’s 3000 hit, Rudy and I both couldn’t make it out to The House They Built Next To The House Ruth Built, but we were able to send Keith Morrison of Dateline.  “Hello, I’m Keith Morrison of Dateline.  It’s in this small, bucolic town, the South Bronx, that Alex Rodriguez calls home.  Everything seemed right in the world this weekend.  The famed Yankee captain, Derek Jeter, did what no other Yankee had done before, but quietly in the corner of the clubhouse something was brewing below the surface — A-Rod’s knee and his love of cougars.”  A-Rod is going to miss the next 6 weeks or so with knee surgery.  If you’re wondering if your team will be all right without his power, look at his stats for the last month.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

CC Sabathia – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks while A-Rod made eyes at his mom.

Paul Maholm – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Now has a season ERA of 2.96.  Has helped me remove some of the odor from dropping Anibal the first week of the season.

Pedro Alvarez – It’s a cruel twist of fate when you draft someone, they suck, get injured and then sadly you leave them on your DL for two months hoping they’ll turn their season around when they return only to be demoted.  Unfortunately, the cruelness won’t end there because I’ll probably draft him again next year.  Alvarez, please use an alternate route than Ian Stewart.

Jake Peavy – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  There’s guys like Luebke on your waivers and you continue to roll out Peavy.  That there is why you’re losing.  Sorry, it’s Tough Love Time with Grey Albright.  Our next guest will be the guy who still has Pedro Alvarez on his team.  Wait, that’s me.  No, tables, don’t turn!

Adam Dunn – Hit a homer on Friday and that’s it all weekend.  They should put him in the Home Run Derby so we can see our first strikeout.

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Didn’t say I didn’t like him when I said to sell him on Friday.  Don’t put words in mouth, you know I don’t like that.  Now eat your vegetables.

Carlos Gonzalez – Headed for an MRI on Monday.  Wait, that’s today?  Unless you’re in New Zealand — weirdos!  If it’s bad news about the CarGo MRI, I give you permission to cry if A) You own him.  B) You’re a Rockies fan.  C) There’s no C.

Jhoulys Chacin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Here’s what I said after his last start, “Hopefully he’ll start to turn things around again.  Just putting that out into the universe.  It’s the secret.”  It works!  Now if I could win the lottery…  Wink-wink, Universe.  Are you listening?  BTW, speaking of having more money than you know what to do with, I was watching Real Sports the other day and they had a segment on Saadi Gaddafi.  He threw his money around to get on a professional soccer team and, even though he was worse than a high school player, no one said anything because he could have them killed.  Then he hired the shamed Olympic gold medalist, Ben Johnson, to teach him how to run.  I won’t give away the whole thing, but seek it out.  It’s brilliant.

Mark Trumbo – 4 homers in the last five games to bring his season tally to 17.  I actually find it more surprising that the Sciosciapath hasn’t decided to randomly bench him for Jeff Mathis or Maicer Izturis.

Eric Thames -3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th home run.  Nice of Bautista to let him carry the home run conch shell for one day.

Brett Cecil – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I will now pick him up in every league and potentially bench him for his next start, depending on the matchup.  It’s all about the dangling modifier.  That’s what she said!

Wandy Rodriguez – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  The Wandwagon has come off the tracks three of the last four starts.  He’s around a 3.50 ERA pitcher and his season ERA sits at 3.52.  So I guess he’ll now shave off that .02, and that’s my two cents.

Emilio Bonifacio – 3-for-3 with 3 steals.  Now has 5 steals in his last 3 games.  Emily Boneface isn’t just an awkwardly translated name, it’s a steals machine.  BTW, I wonder if Josh’s brother, Gosh Johnson, ever did any scenes with Emily Boneface.

Chase Utley – 2-for-4 with 2 steals.  Now has 8 steals and 4 homers.  Didn’t he have knee problems?  So now he’s a speedster with little power?  I’m more confused by what he’s doing this season than Charlie Manuel watching Jeopardy.

Raul Ibanez – 2-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 2nd homer this weekend.  Giraffe’s gestation period is shorter than it took Ibanez to get hot, but he’s there now.  Actually, I looked at Ibanez in one league last week and wish I grabbed him, but I got William Shatner finger and I….just…couldn’t….pick…him…up.

Dontrelle Willis – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks.  You’re only looking at him because he was good like five years ago.

Francisco Cordero – Who was the one who went into the bathroom and forget to flush?  *Cordero blushes.*  Dusty would be one of the slower managers to react to a faltering closer, but CoCo is doing everything in his power to make him flinch.  You can handcuff with Aroldis, who should be owned anyway.

Mark Reynolds – Should be fine after being hit on the hand by a Weiland pitch.  Supposedly, Weiland was mad Reynolds compared him to Eddie Vedder.

Vladimir Guerrero – Will also be fine after being hit by a pitch.  In the bullpen, Kevin Gregg hulk-smashed a gagged-and-bound Johnny Pesky.

Nate Schierholtz – 4-for-4 on Sunday, hitting near .400 over the last week.  With a last name that is German for pantyhose, you’d think he’d generate more excitement for me.  He just doesn’t give huge power or speed.

Javy Guerra – Got two saves this weekend.  Looks like he’s officially won the job of Dodgers closer, which is like beating conjoined twins in a race to put on pants.

Ted Lilly – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He’s been like the NL Liriano and Scherzer, so it pains me to point out Lilly was solid after the break last year (3.17 ERA).

Andre Ethier – 2 homers.  Now on pace for 17 homers.  No wonder Kemp pulls all the ladies.

David Wright – Supposed to start a rehab assignment on Wednesday.  Mets said he should be back sometime in July.  They failed to mention what year.

The Twins’ Francisco Liriano may actually have a Twin.   Let’s call him Diego Liriano (runner-up choices were Jose, Antonio, Luis Obispo, and Fernando Valley).  Maybe Diego pitched his first 5 starts – the ones where Liriano got shelled to the tune of 24 ER, 18 BB, and 27 Hits within 23 2/3 innings.  How else do you explain a Twin with Liriano written on his back throwing a no-hitter last night?  Okay, I suppose you can look at the stats and see that Liriano threw 6 walks and only 2 strikeouts during his no-hitter.  You know how rare that is?  Really, we need to know because Elias Sports Bureau charges for that kind of thing.  I’d steer cleareano of Liriano and/or sell him if he was on my team – no reason to keep a guy with a WIP of 0.67 (WHIP minus the H) if he isn’t K-ing a ton of people.

On to the rest of fantasy baseball news…

Erik Bedard - Managed 7 innings of 2 ER on only 2 H and 2 BB.  More impressively, he managed to avoid an arm injury.  He’s bringing hope to the Rich Hardens and Ben Sheetseses of the world.

Jon Lester – Lestah got his 4th win by giving up only 1 ER and 11 Ks versus the visiting Angels.  Looks like someone isn’t liking all that “Weaver for Cy Young” talk.

Cole Hamels – It was a good night for lefties as Hamels threw a complete game victory against the Nats – giving up only one ER with 6 Ks and 6 baserunners.  That’s now 4 wins for Hamels with 40 Ks in 40 IP, a 2.66 ERA, and a 1.01 WHIP.  Not bad for a 4th starter.

Mike Leake – Wrong night to be a righty (3 2/3 IP, 7 ER).  We streamed Leake in one of our leagues and Leake streamed all over our ERA and WHIP.  The game might’ve been in Cincy but this sure smelled like a Cleveland Streamer.

Zach Braddock – DL with a sleep disorder.  He had 3 Ks on Sunday but obviously fell short of that on Z’s.  They knew it was bad when he fell asleep in the bratwurst tray during the post-game meal.  Luckily, he was pulled out before Prince went-a-forkin’.

Ian Stewart – Recalled from Triple-A.  If you just lost Kung Fu Panda then Mini Mini Donkey is a decent enough flyer… And if the preceding sentence made total sense to you, you might want to go outside once in a while and smell the flowers.

Jonathan Broxton – Brought into a tie game in the top of the 9th, walks 2 of 3 batters, and Mattingly pulls him for Blake Hawksworth.  Blake Hawksworth stayed true to his WWE character and played the heel – letting them both score on a Geovany Soto double.  Personally, I would’ve brought in a masked Vicente Padilla.

Jon Rauch – Blew his first save of the year via a BJ Upton 2-run HR.  That sucks but he had saved 5 in a row before that.  My guess is he still gets the next save opp vs. Frank-Frank.  It’s an important decision that could be the difference between an 80 win season or an 82 win season for the Blue Jays.

Jose Valverde - Redempción for Jose as he gets the save against the Yanks one game after taking the loss.

Scott Sizemore – Called up and rewards Leyland for his delayed belief in him with a 3 for 4 night.  That’s only one less hit than he managed last May (4 for 34).  I’d joke more about how Sizemore sucked last year but Grey still hasn’t gotten over it.  Maybe he can now stop singing his ‘Say Anything’ tribute to him….Scott Sizemore lies more…when he’s 0-for-four….

Fausto Carmona - Played 8 innings of chicken with Tyson Ross and the A’s and won when Fuentes coughed up 3 runs in the top of the 9th.  He’s been on a roll of late but he’s also had some pretty favorable matchups (@OAK, @MIN, home vs. KC and BAL).  I’d say he’s an okay streamer option in mixed leagues when he has a decent matchup but his low K rate and occasional wildness leaves me wary.

Eduardo Sanchez – Got his 2nd save of the season by getting Gaby Sanchez to pop up and Mike Stanton to strike out after he had let two get on via a walk and HBP.  He now has 18 Ks in 11 innings and he definitely probably maybe is the new closer of the Cardinals.  You never know with LaRussa.  Speaking of LaRussa, did you hear that his daughter is going to be an Oakland Raiders cheerleader?  I guess cheering for steroided Oakland athletes runs in the family.

Jose Bautista – Out for a couple of days with an inflamed neck.  I’m sure it’ll subside once he agrees to live up to the deal and hand over his soul to the devil.

Justin Smoak – 3 for 4 with 2 RBIs against his old team (the Rangers).  He’s quickly becoming the most feared Mariner hitter (aside from Milton Bradley of course).

Orlando Hudson - All you Hudson owners who were waiting for the inevitable injury that would sadly put an end Hudson’s improbable SB spree, your wait is over.  Strained hamstring.  Even if he doesn’t go on the DL, that’ll put the kibosh on SBs for the time being.  If he does go on the DL, keep an eye on Eric Patterson who could steal bases in bunches.

Nelson Cruz – Cruz came out of the game with a tight quad.  Does he even have to go to the trainer for these issues anymore?  Hasn’t he learned to treat himself by now – kind of like how Swayze’s character in Roadhouse could stitch himself?

Pedro Alvarez – He also left early with a tight quad which still made him the 4th healthiest 3rd baseman to start on opening day.

Jason Bourgeois – 3 for 5 with 2 doubles, 2 RBIs, and a SB as he filled in for the injured Carlos Lee.  That’s 10 SBs – he’s nearly out-SAGNOFing Bourn.  He’s a must own as long as he’s starting – though Jason resents the implication that ‘owning’ him means he’s part of the proletariat.  You’ve been Marxed!

Luke Scott - Another HR for Luke Scott.  That’s 4 in 6 games.  Luke warm is an understatement.  He’s more like Luke Perry (in 1990)!

Mat Latos – The time to buy low on Latos – if there was a time – may be starting to close.  He gave up 2 ER in 6 IP.  Two key points with Latos:  1) He has 30 Ks in 27 IP and 2) He pitches half his games in Petco.

Carlos Pena – Pena finally got his 1st HR of the year.   Pena can now start attending the weekly HAGNOF meetings (how ya doin’, Mr. Branyan!).  One more HR and he’ll be all tied up with Nate Schierholtz!

Nate Schierholtz - The answer to the unasked question of “Who had the most random slam and legs so far in 2011?”  If only Vegas let you play the Slam & Legs exacta, I could spout that it was 10,000-to-1 odds or something like that.  And Bill Simmons could regale us with stories like, “My buddy and I had $100 on Big Papi for the 500-to-1 exacta and he hits a HR in the 3rd.  That was the easy part.  But in the 9th inning, the Sox are down by two and he walks.  He steals 2nd on the next pitch and they call defensive indifference!  I can’t believe I went to the game over watching an ESPN Classic replay of the 1983 Celtics-Knicks ‘Boston Tea Party’ game where Kevin McHale got the whole Knick team in a headlock and Larry Bird tea-bagged each one.”

Shin-Soo Choo – Arrested for DUI.  Soo Choo?  More like Shochu or Soju!  (that joke would kill if we were a Korean or Japanese blog!)  They didn’t even bother to take out the breathalyzer as Choo’s face gave it away.  Damn you Alcohol flush reaction – aka Asian Flush!  Upon told by the cops that his face looked flush, Choo asked what the f**k that meant and was forced to spend the next couple hours riding a tricycle and getting taken in poker.