Fantasy Baseball Advice

Seriously, it’s cool and all for fans of the Yankees and Red Sox but doesn’t Bud Selig in his infinitesimal wisdom see that maybe something needs to be done to level out the playing field?  It’s all so short-sighted, kinda like how he turned a blind eye to steroids.  Diamondbacks give away Reynolds so they can save a few million.  Meanwhile, the Red Sox sign Carl Crawford for $142 million with a developing country bonus.  If he wins the MVP, they’ll buy him Guatemala.  “El Presidente can you steal a base for us?”  That’s what they’ll say in Guatemala.   I imagine Crawford will hit somewhere in the middle of the Sawx lineup.  Like third, for instance.  With Ellsbury leading off, Pedroia in the two hole (hehe — two hole) and A-Gon cleanup.  There’s flexibility there so it could change.  Either way, they’re scoring 7 runs a game.  Crawford wasn’t exactly on the Mariners last year for offense.  The Rays scored the third most runs just behind the Red Sox.  Fenway’s a much gentler lover than the Trop, but Crawford hasn’t exactly ripped the cover off the ball there.  4 homers and a .275 average in 320 ABs.  Whatever the case, I think he’s going to be great and do more or less what he did last year.  Lots of steals, high-teen power and a solid average.  I’ll give him a line of 100/16/110/.305/45.  Yeah, it’s solid.  Anyway, here’s some more moves and what they mean for fantasy baseball:

Carlos Pena – Chuck P. says Yo! Bum Rush Chicago!  Pena is just the guy to get the Cubs over the 102-year hump.  Or at least strike out trying.  Pena was crazy unlucky with balls batted into play last year.  The scary thing is, he’s not much better than a .230 hitter even when he’s not unlucky.  Left mouth says, “Sch…”  Right mouth says, “…nikes.”  Together, “Schnikes.”  Would be a decent pairing with an Ichiro or a Sauvignon Blanc.  Supposedly, Pena was playing with plantar fasciitis last year, which only sounds like something Mr. Peanut would get.  He’s already said he’s recovered from it.  That might have caused his ground ball rate to go up.  Last year, he pounded balls right into the shift.  If he can just get some more lift on his balls (hehe — I said, shift then lift on his balls), then Pena could be in for a nice rebound year.  Right now, I’d conservatively give him 70/35/95/.235/3.  There’s room for more power though and average can be fluky.

Jason Bartlett – Off to San Diego, or as they call it in San Diego, “Here.”  Don’t think this is necessarily the death of Bartlett.  His age, his caught stealing percentage and his speed decline, those things might be the death of Bartlett.  As for any possibility of a return to the power he showed back in 2009, fahgettabartlett!

Reid Brignac – The door is open for Brignac.  Next stop, a sleeper post for him in the coming weeks.  You can hardly wait!  No, you!

Matt Diaz – Headed to the Pirates.  Dye-as is one of my favorites if you can platoon him against lefties only.  In most leagues, you won’t want (stutterer!) and/or need Dye-As, which is your deal more than mine, but he does throw some residual soot on someone else…

Garrett Jones – Who is this paging me at 5:46 in the morning?  It’s Robot Jones.  “Damn, Dye-as wanna stick me for my at-bats.”  It’s true, Robot.  That’s your warning.  Since Jones only hit .220 with six homers in 214 ABs vs. lefties last year, there’s a good chance Robot will be oiling his wheel-feet on the bench against his weaker half.  This could kill his value in 12 team mixed leagues.

Dioner Navarro – Signed with the Dodgers.  He’ll work a blahtoon with Rod Barajas.  Dioner has a softball build without the upper body strength to tap the keg.  It’s pretty useless in fantasy.

Craig Kimbrel – Right now, Fredi Gonzalez is saying he’s thinking about using Kimbrel and Venters for closing games.  Kimbrel is the righty, so he’d have slightly more value, but I’m sure this isn’t the last we’ll hear about this.

Koji Uehara – Will remain with the Orioles and chances are he’ll stay in as the closer, but Gonzalez could make it a Mike G. joint.  Will need to monitor this shituation in the spring.

Jeff Francoeur – Frenchy.  Royals.  Dayton Moore.  Off with his head!  At 27-years-old, Francoeur could return to his glory days of 2006 when he hit 29 homers with 100+ RBIs, but there is nothing from his last four years that make that seem like anything but a pipe dream.

Jack Cust – Signed with M’s.  I see what’s happening here.  Last offseason, the M’s made all kinds of signings that had their fans thinking they were the team to beat then they collapsed out of the gate.  This offseason, they’re doing crap and hoping it’ll have the inverse effect on the team’s 2011 performance.  They’re sneaky up there in the Pacific Northwest.  The M’s already have the Golden Glove Milton Bradley where Cust would probably fit, but maybe they lose Bradley.  (Member when the M’s fans were excited the team signed Bradley?  Yup.)  Cust will be 32-years-old for the start of the 2011 season and he looks to be aging quickly.  If he hits 25 homers and .260, he’s sneaky valuable in AL-Only leagues.  If he hits 17 homers and .240, he’s useless.  Cust kayin’.

Nate McLouth – Fredi Gonzalez also said he’s leaning towards McLousy for the starting centerfield job.  Very early in the game for guys to be handed starting jobs.  We’ll see.  But can you say bounce back?  Or as they spell it in Korea, “Bow-uns Bak.”

Manny Ramirez will miss at least three weeks with a significant strain of his calf.  If he had four teats, he could be a cow.  Manny’s been dealing with this calf problem since April.  His “doctor” gave him some “fertility” medicine, but Selig and his “rules.”  Now Manny has an aggravated calf and impotency.  I hope you’re all happy.  I’d DL Manny if I owned him.  If you don’t have room, I’d just lose him.  You guys will see each other again because you love Manny.  Otherwise, I’m not sure why you owned him to begin with.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jonathan Broxton – 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  Returned to the role of closer only to get taken out mid-inning because Don Mattingly inadvertently went to the mound twice.  A mustachioed Mattingly would’ve never made that mistake.

Aramis Ramirez – 3-for-5, 7 RBIs with 3 homers.  The first three months of the season Aramis was like the virgin cowboy from The Real World: Los Angeles.  The last few weeks he’s been like the virgin cowboy from The Real World: Los Angeles right after he rubbed up against the female police officer.

Geovany Soto – 2-for-5 with his 12th homer as he bats .293.  Yeah, he’s been better than Mauer, but whatever.

Starlin Castro – 3-for-5 and batting .474 over the last week with his third steal this week.  SAGNOF!

Chris Johnson – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in two games.  He doesn’t have huge power potential, so keep expectations in check, but if your corner infidel is dying, I could see a flyer in deeper mixed leagues.

Nate McLouth – Will return on Wednesday.  He was McLousy before getting knocked out for a month and a half with a concussion. (“Crimey, is this how long Morneau is going to be out?” asks your inner monologue.)  I wouldn’t rush to add McLouth since he’ll be sharing time with Melky.

Tommy Hunter – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I cheated and picked him up in a 12 team league for this two-start week.  He shouldn’t be pitching as well as he has been, but he is, so what are you supposed to do?  I mean, 8 out of his 9 starts have been quality starts.

Josh Hamilton – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer as he bats .357 on the year.  Can we get him to play the outfield in a bubble so he doesn’t get hurt?

Ian Kinsler – Back-to-back games with a home run to bring his season total to 6.  Would not shock me to see him get to 20 homers by the end of the season.  Yes, that’s a lot of homers for a 2nd baseman in just over 2 months.  Don’t underestimate anyone in the Rangers lineup.

Carlos Gonzalez – Didn’t play yesterday because of a bruised index finger.  I wish I had a finger for CarGo, but I’m currently giving it to Jason Bay.

Dexter Fowler – 1 for his last 25.  Not sure why, but he hasn’t been able to keep his hitting going at the big league level so far in his career.  I’d bench him or start to look elsewhere.  (Yes, I am kinda hoping to reverse jinx him into hitting.)

Jamie Moyer – Headed to the DL after being diagnosed with an acute case of “old.”  J.A. Happ should return to take his spot.  No, I’m not a fan of Happ.

Matt Diaz – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer in 3 games.  If it makes the medicine go down a little easier, I picked up Diaz in a league.

Kevin Slowey – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Indians.  It was into the 6th inning and Slowey had only given up one run and his WHIP was under 1.00.  Of course, I was cursing his name since I benched or dropped him everywhere.  Then, for the first time all year, Slowey didn’t let me down when he loaded the bases so Jesse Crain could give up two inherited runs.

Jon Rauch – Has a bruised ankle, which isn’t half as delicious as a braised ankle.  Rauch should return in a day or two.  Meanwhile, I’d grab Matt Guerrier, who is not a guppy-terrier mix, in case you were wondering.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 0-for-5 as he was activated from the DL.  Nothing to report here because I already told you you (stutterer!) should pick him up.  It’s AS-drubal, after all.  Why wouldn’t you?  His name lyrical.  You go sing about him in the shower.  Unless you’re in prison.

Yunel Escobar – Sat out after being hit on his right hand while trying to bunt on Monday.  This is what you call old news, which is a lot less redundant than new news but less timely.

Jose Bautista – 3-for-6, 5 RBIs and his major league leading 26th homer.  Last year, it was the improbable Aaron Hill.  This year, Bautista.  Next year, John McDonald will hit 40 homers.  You heard it here first.

Neil Walker – If anyone can figure out how to go 5-for-5 and only score one run and knock in one while your team scores 11, Neil Walker can.

Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs with 2 homers.  The Smashbuckler!

Phil Hughes – 5 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Instituting Joba Rules on Hughes has had similar poor results.  Hughes’ ERA is up to 3.99 and is no longer a must start everywhere, which makes him very difficult to own.  You get sonavabenched then you start him and he gets rocked.

Mike Napoli – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 17th homer.  He has two more home runs than A-Rod.  Cust kayin’.

Juan Gutierrez – No lie.  I picked him up in multiple leagues as soon as I saw Gibson was calling him in for the save.  By the time I got to my third team, he had already given up a home run to Pagan.  He’s given up 13 homers in 34 1/3 innings.  Mariano hasn’t given up 13 homers in three years.  Halladay’s given up 13 homers in 154 innings.  Juan Gutierrez has the 13th worst OPS in the major leagues for pitchers with at least 20 innings.  Only three of the other guys are still in the major leagues!  I’m going to bench him just so others can’t get saves, but I should’ve just let them have him.

Barry Enright – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Hey, it’s the guy that sounds like he’s your uncle!  Don’t believe the magic, Enright’s getting by on smoke and mirrors.

Chris Carpenter – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks and got the Win as the Phillies’ Andrew Carpenter got the loss.  Elias Sports Bureau said this is the first time two Carpenters were involved in both sides of a decision since Jesus and one of his carpenter buddies agreed Jesus should bring the wine for the company picnic.

David Freese – Broke his toe while rehabbing his right ankle.  If you’re fantasy season is contingent on Freese returning, you might want to start thinking about fantasy football.

Mike Gonzalez – After pulling a Kotchman for a few months, he’ll return this Friday.  Soon after, the O’s closer job will be ‘A Mike G. Joint.’

Luke Scott – 2 homers yesterday and no injuries!  He’s like the fantasy baseball equivalent to Lay’s Potato Chips.  When Luke Scott hits homers, he can’t hit just one.  I could see him hitting another four homers this month.  Be cautious about picking him up though, three of those four homers may be of the pinch hit variety because he’ll be sharing time.

Matt Garza – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  It was the Suckie-O’s!  What are you doing, Garza?  You’re killing me.  4 homers allowed?  Tony Pena pitched better in the Homer Derby.

Carl Crawford – Left the game after a pickoff throw hit Carl’s Jr.

Jose Tabata, the Latin 21, one-time lauded Yankee prospect, was initially heralded as a power corner-OF but wrist issues have seem to have inspired Tabata to become the next Nyjer Morgan.  He’ll likely have a harder time outrunning MLB catcher throws than those in AAA.  And, much like his doughelganger ciabatta, the rest of his stats may be tough to swallow.  (BTW, does he realize that the B in SB stands for base, not baby?  Similar misconception for Kris Benson when he found out that SO stands for strikeouts and not slutty outfits.)  Tabata went 2-for-4 with a steal, leaving with a leg cramp.  He’ll be fine.  I’d grab him in all but the shallowest leagues for steals.  You could get some power.  What’s the worst that happens?  He goes 0-for-35 and steals your baby?  Big whoop!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brad Lincoln – 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  The Nats were treated to another major league debut… Jose Tabata.  Oh, and Lincoln.  I just went over Brad Lincoln for fantasy.  After watching him, he didn’t change my mind about only grabbing him in NL-Only leagues.

Neil Walker – 2-for-5 and a steal, batting .327 in 55 ABs since his call-up while hitting in the 2-hole.  Speaking of two holes…

Aramis Ramirez – To the Disgraceful List.  March Grey is meeting with James Cameron to figure out a BP fix, but read what he had to say back then.

Geovany Soto – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  It’s why you Ron Popeil your catchers and “Set it and forget it.”

Marlon Byrd – 2-for-5 and 2 homers to give him 9 on the year.  Hey, career year, what’s going on?  Say hello to your mother for me!

Randy Wolf – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER and gave up 5 homers.  Wolfman jacked!  I figured he’d fall back to earth hard after last year, but I didn’t even think it would be this bad.

Nate McLouth – Collided with Jason Heyward in a sickening McOuch.  Sickening for Heyward owners.  Heyward’s fine.  McLousy could be out for a while.

John Ely – Torre said he wanted to start “taking care of Ely.”  So he’s skipping his next turn so Ely can face the Red Sox next in Fenway.  Thanks, Torre!

Jake Arrieta – As frequent commenter, 3FingersBrown, said in the comments, “Arrieta makes his debut (today) against the Yanks because that’s a great lineup for a young pitcher to gain confidence against in his first big league start.  It’s as though they watched Strasburg and said, “That worked out great!  Let’s do the opposite.”  He doesn’t even have Shutdown Sauce to back him up, so at best he’ll get to see a great start blown by the bullpen.  Sad, silly team there in Charm City.”  Stephen broke down Jake Arrieta for fantasy.  Outside of AL-Only or keeper leagues, I wouldn’t go near him.  Forget those O’s pitchers, bad division, terrible team.

Ryan Ludwick – Hit his 10th homer.  Guess he’s only good every other year.  We will call him, Ludwick Van Evenyears.

David Price – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Wasn’t the prettiest of wins for Price.  Was the kinda wins that make me think his ERA might catch up to his FIP.  But right now I’m kicking myself in the no-no area for labeling him a sleeper in the preseason and then not drafting him anywhere.  Damn, this was my year to get him too, because you know next year’s he’s gonna be… Wait for it… Here it comes… Hmm… I thought it was here… Did I leave it in the car?… Oh, no, it’s here.  He’ll be overrated.

Carlos Pena – And another homer.  Yeah, gonna have to up the over/under homer total for June to 10.

Delmon Young – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in 3 games.  I could see him being a post-hype sleeper next year.  Never know, he might string a streak together right now.

Justin Masterson – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Red Sawx, a team no one in their right mind would start him against.  It’s a snide remark under his breath, it’s pretending to not see you… No, it’s Justin Masterson:  The Passive Aggressive Fantasy Starter.

Felipe Paulino – 8 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Has actually been a very serviceable deep league option.  No chance for wins and a bit too wild for straight roto mixed leagues, but I’d grab him in H2H leagues if he had the right matchup.  And that’s me sorta, kinda endorsing him!

Sean Rodriguez – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and hitting around .330 over the last week and a nine game hitting streak.  Currently, hitting everyone but he has a .344 average vs. lefties and a .203 average vs. righties.  Was a favorite of mine coming into the year.  Right now, he looks startable, but could be a platoon guy.

Shaun Marcum – 4 IP, 7 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks.  You get through the Red Sawx and the Yankees and then you have to deal with the Rays.  This is the biggest problem I have with AL East pitchers.  There’s no let up– Oh, Marcum gets the Padres and Giants next.  Yes, please!

Brennan Boesch – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer in a row.  Or as he tells himself in the mirror every morning, “You are Boesch-a-boom-boom!”  Now batting near .500 over his last 7 games.

Alexei Ramirez – Hit his 6th homer.  As he’s wont to do, he’s getting hot with the weather.  Yes, wont.

Ryan Hanigan – Progressing well from his fractured thumb, still life goes on with Corky Miller.

Drew Stubbs – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer and 2 Ks.  He hits for power, has blazing speed, but strikes out like a madman.  That’s the Stubbs rub.

Aaron Harang – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s post about starters who should be much better.  So postdate my ‘I told you so.’

Adam Jones – 1-for-3 with a steal.  That makes me even happier than his homer the other day.  Now at least he’s giving value besides the occasional homer.  Git r dun, Pacman!

Nick Markakis – 2-for-5, 0 Runs and 0 RBIs.  Now hitting .293 with 3 homers and 1 steal on the year.  Has there ever been a more yawnstipating three hole hitter?  I know Sparkakis, and you, sir, are not him.  Turn in your codpiece.

Jayson Werth – Before the game was postponed, Werth was out of the lineup again in favor of Ben Francisco.  Maybe Charlie Manuel and Jayson Werth can resolve their differences.  Or Jayson could hit him in the back with a folding chair, jump from the top of his locker and drop the elbow!

Buster Posey – Hit his first home run.  It was a moon shot too.  Eli Whiteside bartered with the fan to get the ball back.  “What, you don’t like garlic fries?  I’ll send you some lox from my guy in New York.  Be a mensch…. Buster’s mishpocheh.”

It seems like every year around this time I make Mark Teixeira a prime breakout candidate.  Why can’t he hit in April?  Does he need mittens?  His last three Aprils have produced a .245 average and 9 homers in 261 ABs.  No other month is close to that bad.   Last year, he got it going in May.  The year before he waited until June.  At some point, he’s always turns on the heat.  His park is terrific, his lineup equally so.  He’s always healthy, his HR/FB and BABIP are both low for him.  Yadda³.  There’s no reason to think there won’t be a turn around, bright eyes.  PABST stands for Post All-Star Break Stats Teixeira.  As in, drink it up, cause that’s all you’re getting, you lush.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy and sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Luke Scott – Great Scott?  Hmm… Seems to be too much hyperbole.  How about Like Luke?  Yeah, that works better even if it’s not quite as exciting.  You won’t want Luke Scott for longer than another week or two.  He is this week’s random outfielder that can give you power for a few days/week.

Nate McLouth – Pretend this blurb is written in off-white, since this is a very faint Buy.

Jonny Gomes – Jonny Bat could be a longer term pickup than Luke Scott, but probably not by much.  Whatever though, he’s hitting .500 over the last week with 2 homers.

Brennan Boesch – Doesn’t he sound like a proprietor of a German pub?  Maybe he’s married to St. Pauli’s Girl.  Either hoo, he has an opening for everyday playing time and he’s hitting.  Had solid power in the minors.  Don’t sleep on Boesch! (Because it’ll probably be uncomfortable.  Seriously, man, get a cot.)

Corey Hart – One of the few hitters on this list that could have value for longer than a few weeks.  If Hart gets back to the 20/20 guy he was not that long ago, he’s ownable everywhere.

Corey Patterson – Sticking with the Corey theme, Patterson is the leadoff hitter and… Yeah, it’s hard for me to muster too much enthusiasm for him.  Steals are a bit all I’d expect, so SAGNOF on that.

Jason Donald – I wonder if he’s related to Donald Faison… Eh, probably not.  Donald won’t wow you with anything unless he gets hot.  He could stay at the top of the order though, so you might get Runs.  Then again, it’s the Indians.  Yeah, this is a lukewarm Buy.

Francisco Cervelli – The Great Gazoo!  If you don’t know what that reference is referring to, you really gotta see this guy at bat.  Holy crap, he’s the splitting image.  Or is it spitting image?  That always trips me up.  Cervelli will give you average while he’s hitting.  May not last for long, but it only needs to last for another month while Posada’s foot heals.

Freddy Sanchez – Lord knows the Giants equipment manager is rooting for him so the work he did on the initials on Jonathan Sanchez’s jersey wasn’t for nothing.  That’s-a-my best jay period ever! Yes, the Giants equipment manager is an Old World Italian.  Sanchez can give you average, it’s a’ight.

Ian Kennedy – On April 9th, in the 2nd Buy/Sell of the season, I told you to buy Kennedy.  He’s now up to 23% owned in ESPN.  Even assuming 60% of ESPN leagues are already abandoned, that’s poor.  Give me your password and I’ll pickup Kennedy for you.

Kris Medlen – You’ve heard me tout him before, I don’t want your ears to bleed.

Chris Perez – We ain’t done with you yet, Mullet Man.

Aaron Heilman – I don’t think Heilman’s really that good, but, as of right now, he might be the tallest midget in the pen.

Carlos Villanueva – SAGNOF!  Todd Coffey, same shizz, different player.  I even grabbed LaTroy Hawkins in one league to stash on my DL, but he is a Cuddle Boy, so his rosterable time may be limited because he could desTroy your ratios.

SELL

Aroldis Chapman – So far in Triple-A, he’s sporting a 1.63 WHIP, walking guys and now has a blister.  He’s only 22 and as I said in the comments the other day, “I heard (Aroldis) compared to Randy Johnson and that seems apt.   It’s both a compliment and an insult.  As we learned last week, Johnson was wild as any turkey ever was.”  And that’s me cutting and pasting me!  I wouldn’t drop Aroldis, but I would look at trading him, since sources are now saying he may not come up in June.  Must be important otherwise why would sources bother talking about him?  There’s so many other things sources could talk about like Sandra Bullock’s divorce, the BP oil spill, the upcoming Biggest Loser finale… Speaking of which, I have a theory about The Biggest Loser.  Because it doesn’t work into the inspiration story the producers are trying to tell, they never mention the obscene amounts of sex going on in the house.  Think about it, for so long these women didn’t want anyone to see how they looked and God forbid anyone were to touch them.  Now, they’re feeling sexy, confident and horny.  I lost 7 pounds this week, let’s have an orgy on the rowing machine! It’s like Hedonism for fat people.

Jose Bautista – He’s hitting .242 with 12 homers.  So let’s be realistic, do you think he’ll continue to hit homers at a 20% HR/FB clip and surpass his previous career high in homers by, say, 25?  Or do you think he’ll go homeless man cold and be droppable in another month?  I usually say don’t trade for closers, but I’d take just about any closer in a trade for Bautista.

Alex Gonzalez – Hey, I’m like a housewife because I’m hating on the BJ’s.  Honestly, not sure what you can even get for this poor man’s A-Gon, but he hit .289 in April and .240 so far in May.  In April, he hit 7 homers; in May, he hit 3.  May is way more in line with what you should expect going forward.

Justin Morneau – I know, he’s the cornerstone of your offense and you kinda want to strangle me now that I’ve said Morneau is a sell.  WHY DO YOU MAKE ME CRY, GREY?!  Sorry, Mr. Caps, it’s not my intention.  OH, NO WORRIES THEN.  Morneau’s BABIP is only surpassed by Kearns and Austin Jackson.  And you should know how I feel about those two schmohawks.  Morneau’s HR/FB is pretty far above his career norm too.  Then you throw in Morneau’s wonky back and you have a recipe for a huge fall in value sometime soon.  May not be tomorrow, may not be next week, but change will come, nephew.  I wouldn’t sell Morneau for a bag of Funyuns, but I’d listen to offers.

The Disgraceful List claimed two more yesterday, Josh Beckett and Grady Sizemore.  Neither is a big surprise.  Closest Grady Sizemore came to taking off this year was in his amateur Playgirl shoot.  Even when he hit a home run, the rain washed it away.  The Indians are talking about knee surgery for Grady.  Turns out Tom Sizemore isn’t the only Sizemore with a joint problem.  I’d DL Sizemore until more news surfaces, but, if recent history is any indication, new news (stutter much?) will be bad news.  As for Josh Beckett, I’m more optimistic.  He can miss a few weeks, put this back injury behind him (literally!) and return.  Will he be effective on his return?  What, I’m Nostradumbass?  I don’t know, but it’s possible he has a decent half season.  I wouldn’t trade for him, but I would pick him up off waivers and stash him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before I jump into the roundup, quick bit of business.  No one likes to have to ask for shizz, but this voting thing at the Refresh Challenge is for a good cause.  To up the stakes, we’re donating a $100 gift card to Wal-Mart.  All you have to do is vote and comment “Razzball” over at the voting site.  The comment names will be chosen at random on Monday and the winner will be announced here.  That link again is http://pep.si/abEtbm — Wow, I feel like George Clooney.  Anyway II, here’s the roundup:

Trevor Hoffman – Probably should be headed to the Disgraceful List but in the meantime the Brewers say he won’t pitch for a few days while he works on his mechanics.  Carlos Villanueva and Todd Coffey are the pickups, in that order.  Or the reverse order if you’re dyslexic.

Ike Davis – 1-for-4.  For the foreseeable future, Manuel says Davis will be the cleanup hitter.  I like how Manual makes these announcements every few days.  First, Reyes will bat 3rd, then Chris Carter will bat cleanup, now Ike.  Waiting for the announcement where he says New Era will bat cleanup only later to realize he pulled the tag out of the hat.

Livan Hernandez – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  It’s May 20th and Livan’s ERA is still 1.62.  I will now go drink cyanide.

Drew Storen – 2/3 IP and the Win.  After the game, Clippard told Storen, “You’re welcome.”

Clay Buchholz – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Said I thought Buchholz could be the Sawx’s ace this year, he’s only confirmed my thoughts.  Really² loved Buchholz coming into this year, but didn’t end up with him on any team.  I was Buch-blocked.

David Ortiz – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer in his last 6 games as he bats .248.  Ortiz is no longer *pinkie to mouth* ice Papi.  Think this is the new Ortiz, homers and not much else.  His name garners more attention than he actually warrants.  If you own him, I’d see what he could get you on the trade market.

Joe Mauer – 1-for-4 with his 1st steal of the season.  Also, he has 2 homers on the year.  Haven’t mentioned much about this because I spend enough time telling you people my correct preseason calls, but Mauer’s power has gone sour.  Told ya!

Carlos Zambrano – 1/3 IP.  Yeah, that’s how you stretch him out.  Niiiiice.

Kaz Matsui – The Astros released him.  It’s the youth movement in Houston as they turn to Jeff Keppinger.

Carlos Lee – Hit his 3rd homer in four days.  Carlos wasn’t happy at all about me saying his days were numbered, obvious lee.

Josh Hamilton – 2-for-4 with one home run while he was robbed of another home run because the ump missed the call and refused to review the replay.  Seriously, what’s the point of having replay if they’re not going to use it?  Umps are useless.  Get a real job, like writing a fantasy baseball blog.

Aroldis Chapman – Left his minor league game with a blister.  Wait until he sees how our health care compares to Cuba’s.

Milton Bradley – 2-for-4 as the Golden Glove outfielder returned to the Mariners.  In the postgame press conference, he thanked his family for their support, saying he was a humbler, changed man.  Then a reporter interrupted him and Milton Hulk-smashed the reporter’s head into a locker.

Michael Saunders – Sat out yesterday in favor of Bradley and could be in for a major reduction of time until Milton loses his shizz and karate kicks Figgy for looking at him the wrong way.  I give it a week.

Casper Wells – Who?  The guy Leyland put in the three hole.  Will someone please buy Leyland some blank lineup cards so he doesn’t have to hit Casper Wells third simply because he’s filling in for Magglio Ordonez?

Freddy Sanchez – 0-for-4.  Never been a fan Freddy Sanchez, but at MI he can provide very modest power and average.  Outside of NL-Only leagues, I’d look just about anywhere else first, but there ya go.

Ian Kennedy – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I’ve touted him enough by this point, right?  You don’t need me to go on any further, do you?

Mark Reynolds – 0-for-4 as the Diamondbacks scored 13 runs.  Ticker tease!

Wade Davis – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Was a decent start for the youngster vs. the Yanks. (Look at me, I’m an oldster, saying things like youngster.)  In 8 starts, he’s only gone longer than 6 innings once.  His WHIP isn’t pretty either, mostly because his walks are a bit out of control.  I’d let someone else deal with his potential/potential headache.

Jorge Posada – Will miss up to a month with a fractured foot.  Or as they say in England, a fractured meter.  If your DL slots are limited, I wouldn’t stress over holding onto Posada.  He’s still just a catcher.  Filling in for him…

Francisco Cervelli – Hasn’t done much except hit for average, but he’s done that well.  Now hitting .373 on the year.  Oh, and hat tip to frequent commenter, Buge Hoobs, who pointed out how much Cervelli looks like The Great Gazoo.

Will Venable – 4-for-5, 4 Runs, 1 RBI and a steal.  Huge game, but he sits against most lefties and he’s batting .248 on the year.  Best case scenario, he gets 12 homers, 25 steals and a poor average on the year.  It’s okay in NL-Only leagues, but I wouldn’t go crazy in mixed leagues.

Kerry Wood – 1/3 IP, 5 ER for an epic, glove-tossing meltdown.  Good to see Wood picked up right where he left off.  I wouldn’t drop Chris Perez just yet.  And if he’s out there on waivers, I’d grab him.

Lou Marson – Stole his 3rd base to open up the lead between him and Alcides.

Mike Aviles – 3-for-5, with a Run and RBI.  He’s been admittedly underrepresented in my roundups, but I find straight average guys yawnstipating.  Aviles is, however, batting .390.  There’s room for that on some teams.

Randy Wolf – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 15 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Now has a 5.10 ERA on the year.  Right now, I wouldn’t own Wolf with your team.

Nate McLouth – 2-for-4 with a steal.  He’s actually been hitting recently (.300 in his last 7 games), but he’s also batting 8th, which in an NL lineup is death, not depth.  Unless your league is deep, I’d just watch McLousy for now to see if he moves up the lineup.

Cameron Maybin – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in 2 games.  It took freakin’ forever, but Maybin seems like he might stick around in the majors for a little while.  Could be a photo finish in Florida between Coghlan and Ross for Stanton’s playing time.  Better make sure you punch out those Chads.

Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8Ks.  Has looked good for a few starts in a row now with a 3.28 ERA on the year.  But his last six starts have been against the Giants, Mets, Padres, Astros, Nats and a very cold Cards team.  I could have an under 4 ERA against those teams.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Going to see a psychologist to deal with his inability to throw the ball back to the pitcher.  It’s the yips (which only sounds racist).  This reminds of the time I was at Benihana and the chef missed his hat with a shrimp tail three times in a row.  The Benihana’s chef’s name was Mackey Sasser.