Fantasy Baseball Advice

On Base Percentage (OBP) is what Skynet created for the Oakland A’s so they could win the World Series and ruin baseball.

Actually, that doesn’t sound quite right. I think OBP is the brew baseball writers’ fermented in a basement to scare Andre Dawson, or it was the reason pitchers feared Jim Rice, thereby making him a Hall of Famer.

I’m all confused. But, apparently, Razzball readers and commentators aren’t. According to the recent survey we conducted (to mine all of your personal information to sell to Facebook), a ton of you play in leagues that swap out average for those crazy on base skills. Accordingly, this changes the value of several players:

Jose Bautista: Over the last three seasons (including Bautista’s generally poor 2009), Bautista has the eighth best OBP. Last season, Bautista was just .001 behind the OBP leader, Miguel Cabrera, and over the last two seasons, Bautista has the third best OBP in all of baseball. The only glaring weakness in Jose Bautista’s armor is average. If you substitute OBP, Bautista is a legitimate best-player-in-the-format candidate.

Lance Berkman: Berkman’s .412 OBP last year was the fifth best in all of baseball and not far off his career mark (.409). While Berkman’s average is typically useful, his OBP is top 10, making him a four-category stud. With OBP instead of average, Berkman should pass the likes of Paul Konerko, Mark Teixeira, and Eric Hosmer and is a top six first baseman.

Adam Dunn: Until 2011, Dunn was the answer to the question of who benefits most from the switch to OBP. Last season, he posted an OBP under .300. Oddly enough his walk rate was close to his career norm, but his already high K-rate spiked, his ISO and BABIP cratered and he hit .159. Dunn can walk and appears to be approaching 2012 with more determination. A return to .350 OBP is certainly plausible and has some upside. Last season, Mike Stanton with a .356 OBP had the 40th best mark.

Prince Fielder: Fielder and Pujols have the same OBP over the last three seasons. During that time, Pujols has just 10 more HRs and eight more RBIs. In addition, during that same span, Cabrera has an OBP .012 points higher, 14 less HRs and 10 less RBIs. Fielder isn’t the top 1B in OBP leagues, but he isn’t far off. His move to the American League could depress his numbers somewhat, but in OBP leagues, he is a top producer.

Carlos Pena: While Carlos Pena’s OBP skills do not produce league leading rates, they do erase the stank displeasure of his putrid batting average. Pena has a .239 career average, but .352 OBP. A first baseman capable of hitting 25-30 HRs with a .355 OBP is top-10 consideration.

Mark Reynolds: Like Pena, Reynolds makes an untenable batting average disappear with a superior walk rate. For his career, his OBP is about 100 points higher than his batting average. While his .323 OBP last season was tied for 99th best, it’s a far cry from where his average would rank him. Reynolds is an incredibly attractive option in OBP leagues, as his immense power is not entirely derailed by a sub-optimal OBP. Grab Reynolds with confidence that you will get a .330 OBP, with 35 HRs and near 100 runs and RBIs.

Carlos Ruiz: Over the last three seasons, Ruiz trails only Joe Mauer in OBP. His .376 mark is far ahead of the third place healthy backstop Brian McCann. An afterthought in most leagues, Ruiz can provide solid catcher production in OBP leagues at virtually no cost. Pencil Ruiz in for a .365 OBP, eight HRs and 50+ runs and RBIs.

Nick Swisher: Nick Swisher in an on base cyborg. When you throw out Ryan Braun, Jose Bautista and Lance Berkman, Swisher has the fourth best OBP over the last three seasons (behind Matt Holliday, Shin-soo Choo and Carlos Beltran). With Swisher’s .365 OBP and the Yankee line-up, runs and RBIs will be there. He’ll also add good pop and, best of all, you don’t have to worry about his .255 average.

Ben Zobrist: Zobrist, who walks at a great clip, has the ability to post the second best OBP at the position (behind Dustin Pedroia). A basic 20-20 guy with 100 runs and RBI potential, Zobrist takes a massive step forward in OBP leagues when they do away with his .260 average.

OBP Sleeper Values

Daric Barton: Over the last three seasons (1,158 plate appearances), Barton has a .373 OBP. He crashed and burned last season, but still posted an above average walk rate. If healthy, Barton should post a .365 OBP with 10 or so HRs, 80 runs and 70 RBIs. He could be a sneaky value in OBP leagues.

Jack Cust: Like Barton, Cust was horrible last year. However he had a .366 OBP from 2009-2011 and is moving from two difficult parks (Oakland and Seattle) to the hitter friendlier Houston and NL Central. In the easier league, Cust’s walk rate should play tremendously, possibly to the tune of a .370 OBP. He could also add 20-25 HRs and solid RBIs. As a flier, Cust’s upside makes the gamble reasonable.

Dexter Fowler: If only Fowler knew how to steal bases! His .365 OBP and 12.1% walk rate last season was a good step forward and echoed his minor league successes. He’ll likely only produce two categories: runs and OBP, but has a decent shot at 20 steals and upside to more if he ever figures out how to use his speed.

Jason Heyward: While Heyward hasn’t quite become a star, he knows how to get on base (13.2% walk rate, .362 OBP). In addition, his legitimate and realistic upside to 20+ HRs and 15 SBs make him worth reaching for in drafts. As he gets on base, he’ll score runs and has a solid shot at triple digits. At the worst, you have a solid run and OBP contributor with a little pop and speed.

Nate McLouth: Aside from a rough 2010, McLouth has shown above average on base skills. In fact, he posted double digit walk rates in every season since 2007, excepting 2008. As a late flier, McLouth makes a ton of sense. He should post a .345 OBP, get close to double digit HRs and steals and provide somewhat solid counting stats.

Geovany Soto: Soto’s treacherous average makes betting on his power unreasonable in average leagues. However, his 11.8% walk rate and .348 OBP solidify his power. As a catcher capable of 17-20 HRs with a .340 OBP, he is a clear top 10 option.

Those that get hurt in OBP leagues

Adrian Beltre: Beltre has been a good hitter throughout his career, especially since his escape from Seattle (.309 average last two seasons). However, he averages just 41 walks a season and has only posted two OBPs above .331 since 2001. His 2011 OBP was lower than that of Edwin Encarnacion, Ryan Roberts, Evan Longoria, Aramis Ramirez, Kevin Youkilis and Michael Young, whereas he had the third highest average among qualifiers at the position last year. He simply doesn’t walk enough and projecting and OBP over .335 is silly. While he remains a top seven option or so, hot corner specialists like Ryan Zimmerman, Youkilis and others can have more of an impact in OBP leagues.

Starlin Castro: There are a ton of shortstops with small gulfs between their averages and OBPs. Castro, who hit .307, is one of those. His average last season was only behind Troy Tulowitzki, however his OBP trailed eight shortstops. Given his age, there is optimism for growth, however Castro loses some luster in OBP leagues.

Robinson Cano: Cano has been a batting average superstar for much of his career. However, aside from 2010, he’s never been an on base machine. Last season, his OBP was seventh at the position and over the last three seasons is fifth. Meanwhile, Dustin Pedroia is an OBP dynamo. Certainly swapping average for OBP closes the gap between Cano and Pedroia. In this format, I wouldn’t mind passing on Cano and securing Pedroia.

Ian Desmond: Desmond just isn’t very good, so we shouldn’t be surprised he gets dinged in OBP leagues. His career .304 OBP was actually better than his effort last season, even though he improved his walk rate. There’s some optimism that Desmond can get his OBP to the .310-.320 range as he did improve his walks and cut down on swinging strikes and swinging at balls, however, over the last three seasons, roughly 30 shortstops have averaged OBPs over .315.

Alcides Escobar: In OBP formats, Escobar becomes a true one-category producer. His career .294 OBP is putrid and he has shown no signs of improvement (his walk rate declined in 2011, he chased more balls out of the zone and swung and missed more). He might be good for 25 steals, but that’s all he’s good for in fantasy.

Jeff Francoeur: Over the last three seasons, Francoeur’s .314 OBP is 75^th among OFs, nestled between Aaron Rowand and Luke Scott. While his OBP improved last season, it was in large part thanks to a .323 BABIP and .285 AVG – he didn’t walk anymore and actually struck out more than normal. It is prudent to temper expectations for Francoeur in OBP leagues, especially because if that OBP suffers he’ll have no chance of reaching 20 steals again.

Ichiro: Just like Dunn has been the perennial gainer in OBP leagues, Ichiro has been the perennial loser. His .351 OBP over the last three seasons is 30^th among OFs, while his .312 average is third. While many expect a bounce back, Ichiro is unlikely to post an OBP above .345, which, last season, would have tied him for 28th at the position. OBP leagues take away one of Ichiro’s calling cards: his superior average and relegate him to #3/#4 OF status.

Adam Jones: Jones really likes to swing the bat; his swing percentages have gone up pretty much across the board every season. In fact, his O-Swing% (the percentage of pitches a batter swings at outside the strike zone) is at Vlad Guerrero levels. While he has been able to post solid averages, his swinging has translated to miniscule walk rates. He’s a fine option for average leagues, but his OBP over the last three seasons is 70th among OFs. In addition, his OBP has been trending downward: .335 in 2009, .325 in 2010 and .319 in 2011.

Sergio Santos was traded to the Blue Jays for Nestor Molina, no relation to Alfred.  Santos will take over the Blue Jays closing job with Frank Francisco being waved away like a stale fart — Stank Fartcisco, if you will.  Santos was made for this job.  He’s a cyborg.  A cyborg of Ks who was sent here from the future to save games and to dance to the club remix of O Canada.  Only wish he wasn’t traded so less people would be aware of him and he’d come as a bargain in 2012 fantasy drafts.  Alas, he’s still gonna be worth a high (for a closer) draft pick.  Last year he had 92 Ks in 63 1/3 IP.  Who are you, Carlos Marmol?  I love you, Santos, now have my babies and then name them something with a K.  Like Klancy or Kasey or Keith.  Anyway, here’s some more moves for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Heath Bell – Signed with the Miami Marlins to replace Juan Carlos Oviedo, who wants to know why the Florida Marlins can change their name but he can’t.  Heath Bell will be a capable closer that I may or may not have on my fantasy teams, depending on where he’s drafted.  I think he’ll probably be too rich for my blood.  If I get a transfusion, I’ll revisit him.

Luke Gregerson – As of right now he’s going to be the Padres closer.  His K-rate was about as ugly as it gets for relievers.  Easily the worst K-rate for a successful reliever. (No data was shifted through to verify this, but he had a 5.50 K-rate; that’s egregious.  Or Egregerson, if you will.)  Does any of this matter if Gregerson’s on the board late and he’s still the closer in March (the Padres might get someone else or change their minds; it’s their prerogative)?  Nah, I’d draft Gregerson on every team of mine if he’s the closer.

Jon Rauch – Is anyone changing teams besides relievers?  C’mon, Pujols and Fielder, sign already!  For now, we have Rauch to talk about.  Yay.  He signed with the Mets to set-up in the 8th inning and reach things off of high shelves.

Frank Francisco – Hey, it’s Stank Fartcisco!  Long time no hear from.  The Mets brass, “Francisco and Rauch were so good in Toronto last year, let’s get them to close out our wins!”  Janitor overhearing them, “They weren’t good.”  Mets brass, “Hey, Janitor, you wanna manage the team?”  Janitor, “I am.  I’m Terry Collins.”  Mets brass, “Who?”  I’d be more than willing to draft Francisco since he’ll be getting saves, but it won’t be pretty.  I guarantee at least five times during 2012 you’ll hear me say, “Rauch is now the closer.”  Then a week later I’ll say, “Francisco’s the closer.”  Then a week after that I’ll say, “Hey, whatever happened to Bobby Parnell?”

Angel Pagan – Was traded to the Giants for Andres Torres (and Ramon Ramirez).  This trade happens in your fantasy league when two owners grow bored and trade apples for apples.  Neither of these apples are delicious.

Joe Saunders – Stays with the Diamondbacks.  NL West hitters rejoice.

Aaron Harang – The Harangutan brings his ugly mug to the Dodgers.  These are the times when I’m glad I don’t have to do Alyssa Milano’s job of sleeping with every Dodgers player.

Nate McLouth – Goes back to Pittsburgh.  Pirates obviously want to put together a McOutfield.  First one between Tabata and Presley to add Mc gets the starting gig.  There hasn’t been a complete McOutfield since the Federal League’s Boston Bogtrotters in 1915.

Matt Capps – Resigns with the Twins.  Member when Nathan signed with the Rangers and you asked me, “Grey, que paso?  Donde es Twins closer ahora?”  And I said, “Shut the SAP button off your computer.”  Good times we had.  Any hoo!  Capps will be the closer in Minny until he turds up their games and Gardenhire starts picking his bullpen scab.

Jerry Hairston Jr. – Signed by the Dodgers.  First Harang and now Hairston Jr.!  Dodgers look like they’re putting together a team using Groupons.

Kendrys Morales – Has been swinging aggressively and jogging on a weightless treadmill.  Looks like NASA’s got their first baseman!  In the moon league that Kendrys is training for, when you celebrate a game-winning home run, you gently fall down to home plate.

Kevin Slowey – To the Rockies.  That’s like dressing up Tina Turner as a piñata and inviting her to a quinceañera.

Dmitri Young – Lost 70 pounds and wants to get back into baseball.  The last time that much excess Young weight was lost was when the Twins traded Delmon to the Tigers.

Aroldis Chapman – Sounds like he won’t be in the rotation again in 2012.  Him and Joba should commiserate about how their clubs are totally Mr. Bungling their careers and costing them millions.

Bryce Harper – I already went over my Bryce Harper 2012 fantasy.  I wrote it while receiving shock therapy.  Since then the Nats said he might be the starting right fielder out of camp.  If I may read between the lines, what they actually said was, “We are not having Harper start out of camp, but we’d sure like to sell some tickets to our home games in April besides the ones Strasburg is pitching.”

Chase Utley will make his first start of the year on Monday in the Phillies’ 47th game of the season.  If only the Yanks would lend out Suzyn Waldman for the occasion…Oh my goodness gracious!…Of all the dramatic things I’ve ever seen!  For those of you who carried Utley on your DL since Opening Day, congratulations.  The word is that Utley’s knee feels okay.  I’ll put the over/under at 90 games for the rest of the regular season.  I wouldn’t expect classic Utley this year (as in .300/30/110/15).  I think he’s going to look a lot more like last year’s Utley (511/75/16/65/13) for the rest of his career – minus a couple of SBs.  Second basemen don’t age gracefully and he’s 33 with a bad knee.  If someone will trade a top 50 player for him, take it.

Other fantasy baseball news…..

Asdrubal Cabrera – 5 for 5 with 2 HRs and 5 RBIs.  He’s now at .302/32/9/32/6.  He managed only 9 HRs over 900 ABs in 2009-2010.  Where’d all this power come from?  Is he that mad the Indians picked up another Cabrera and he had to add an “A.” to his jersey?  If that’s the case, the Indians will win the World Series if they could just find an Orlando-Soo Choo and Orlando Santana to add to the roster.

Felix Hernandez – F-Her has been just so-so this year – paling in comparison to other AL starters who have the luxury of facing the Mariners.  Luckily, the schedule rewarded him with a start at Petco against a Padres offense that fell back to reality (5 runs in last 5 games).  Given all that, it’s not so surprising that F-Her went 8 IP, 1 ER, and 13 Ks.   The surprising part is that the Mariners supported him enough to give the win.

James Shields – A 3-hit shutout over the Marlins with 13 Ks.  He’s now K’d 7 or more in 6 of his last 7 starts and is second to F-Her for the K lead in the AL.  He’s got a bright future ahead of him.  And when it doesn’t look bright anymore, I’m sure the Rays will just trade him to the Angels.

Rick Porcello – One hit the Pirates over 8 scoreless innings.  He’s rocking a 3.08 ERA now over almost 50 IP.  I have a feeling that ERA is going to mushroom over the next 50 IP unless he starts K-ing more people (5.5 K/9).

Marlon Byrd – On the 15-day DL after an Alfredo Aceves  pitch broke his face.  Lucky this game wasn’t in Toronto or Aceves would’ve been arrested for hitting a Byrd.  In all seriousness, hope Marlon is doing okay.  Some players don’t come back the same or have subsequent sight issues from an injury like this (see Dickie Thon and Tony Conigliaro).  Two uplifting cases are Ron Santo who came back from a broken cheekbone in 1966 to resume his HOF-quality career and Willie McGee whom I presume took multiple pitches to the face yet persevered and had over 2,000 hits in his career.

Fernando Salas – He’s gotten the last 4 saves for the Cardinals.  When asked by the press if he’d named Salas the closer, LaRussa replied, “Why does he need another name?  Fernando is a great name.  It’s my favorite ABBA song.”  The beat writers laughed because they thought it was Kyle Lohse performing another LaRussa impression.  Little did they know that LaRussa has already swapped in 4 relief pitchers as his stand-in over the last week.

Jason Heyward – Off to the DL with a sore shoulder.  He’ll be replaced by Eric Hinske and Joe Mather.  That’s like replacing Hank Aaron with Hank Azaria.

Nate McLouth – Left Sunday’s game early with an oblique injury.  No word yet if he’s going on the DL but….really, when does someone injure their oblique and not go on the DL?  Really, Nate McLouth, do you have some sort of oxygen chamber that can heal obliques?  In any case, McLouth has cooled off (4 for last 32) after showing some signs of life in early May.  I’d McLose him from just about any team outside of super deep leagues.

Edinson Volquez – 2.2 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners against the Indians.  Guess he knows how Custer felt.  A real letdown for all those (including me) who got excited by his previous start (6 IP, 3 ER, 9 Ks).  In 10 starts this year, he’s failed to pitch more than 6 innings and has only two games where he’s given up either less than 3 walks or less than 3 ER.  We don’t even start him in our NL-only league – if you’ve got him in a 12-team mixed league, Ay Dios Mio, drop him already.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – HR’d both Friday and Sunday.  He’s hitting over .300 in his past 10 games.  Who’s ready to jump on the Salty bandwagon?  Yeah, me neither.  I’m as confident in him as I’m confident in David Ortiz being able to spell his last name.

Albert Pujols – He’s now gone 100 ABs since his last HR.  I may be off by a couple but I think Jose Bautista has hit 700 HRs during that time.

Juan Miranda – 1 HR and 4 RBIs over the weekend and Russell Branyan got DFA’d.  Those are two Miranda rights.  But he got hit on the wrist with a pitch in the 8th.  That’s the type of wrong that can ans will be used against him in the court of fantasy baseball.  If the injury is minor, Miranda suffices as CI or UTIL filler as he should start most of the time (with Nady getting a couple starts a week).  If he’s hurt, maybe we see Brandon Allen!

Gio Gonzalez – What’s the difference between Gia and Gio?  Both are sexy but Gio is a lot more predictable.  In his last 4 starts, he’s pitched between 6 2/3 to 7 innings, 0-2 ERs, and 6-8 Ks.  Now if he could only control pitches (over 4 BB/9) as well as he could control the weather.

Brian Fuentes – Lost his 6th (!) game of the year on Sunday when he gave up a run in extra innings.  Yet he only has 2 blown saves.  He might have a shot at 20 losses if they let him focus on Kazaams when Bailey comes back.

Javier Vazquez – Grey and I drafted this schmohawk on 3 teams this year – including our 13-team NL LABR team.  In that league, you cannot bench a player that you drafted unless they are sent to the minors or the DL.  So we had to suffer through 8 horrible starts, one more awful than the next.  If our ERA/WHIP was in a Lifetime movie, it would be huddled in the back corner of a shower.  We’re praying that the Marlins just put him on the Disgraceful List just like the Red Sox did with Dice-K and Lackey.  Nope.  The Marlins believe in him and he’s supposedly healthy.  Next start against Tampa.  Jeez, we think, if the NL is crushing him – imagine an AL East team?  Since we can’t bench him, we have no recourse but to drop him.  So what does the bastard do?  Goes 7 shutout innings and strikes out 7.  The bastard hadn’t topped 6 IP, 5 Ks, or less than 3 ERs all year!  Our only solace will be if someone else in the league picks him up this week because of this start and he starts turding all over their ERA/WHIP.

Josh Hamilton left the game with a fracture to his humerus bone, which isn’t connected to the funny bone.  He was going down the line head first into home and… Well, he’s Mr. Glass, so what do you expect?  Ron Washington can’t believe anyone could ever get hurt going down a line head first.  “Nothing but fun to be had there!”  That’s Washington talking about the devil’s dandruff.  I think Kinsler, Cruz and Hamilton share gloves so one of them must always be on the DL.  This opens up playing time for David Murphy.  I’ve long been a fan of Murph.  Has 15/15 potential and won’t kill you in any categories.  I’d grab him in all leagues.  Yeah, even yours.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Davis – With the injury to Hamilton, Davis was recalled.  Somewhere, Bill James can now wear his cut-off, denim shorts and proudly show off his tramp stamp tattoo that reads, “I love Chris Davis.”  Without an injury, I can’t imagine Davis gets much playing time, but he’s still worth a pick up in AL-Only leagues for the off chance of him pulling magic out of his hat.

Michael Young – 3-for-3 as he played 2nd base.  Guess who’s going to have 2nd base eligibility in Yahoo leagues by mid-May?  Hint:  His name appears at the beginning of this blurb.

Mike Napoli – Hasn’t started since Saturday.  The conference of MLB managers that is held every year in Pensacola, Florida the first weekend of December is highlighted by Saturday’s all day seminar titled, “How To Prevent Napoli From Hitting 30 HRs In a Year.”

Dan Haren – 9 IP, 0 ER, 8 Ks and only allowed one hit.  After the game, Haren received a call of congratulations from Armando Galarraga.

Peter Bourjos – 2-for-3 with his first homer.  The guy with the hockey player last name has 10 homer power and 30 steal speed, yet I feel like everyone’s already given up on him.  For shame.

Mark Trumbo – Hit his first homer the same day it was reported Kendrys was able to run.  Somebody Gillooly him please.

Clayton Richard – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Hodgepadre!

Dee Gordon – I just picked him up all over the place.  Probably a bit preemie on that but with Furcal out, I gots to get me some upside at MI.  Gordon can steal 50 bases this year.  Now call him up!

Ryan Raburn – Batted third and went 2-for-4 with 2 Runs, 1 RBI and one formal apology to Leyland for not enjoying his secondhand smoke enough.  I hate to be ungrateful, but how do you not start a guy then bat him third?  Is this only bonkers to me?  Oh, I know.  In Monday’s game, Raburn replaced Mags in the three hole, so since Leyland has never heard of White Out he just left the lineup the same.

Chris Volstad – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Eh, no one owns this schmohawk anyway, right?

Omar Infante – 0-for-4, batting .244.  You really shouldn’t have drafted him.  He’s worse than yawnstipating.

Sam Fuld – 1-for-4, still batting leadoff, still stealing bases, still not a great hitter but OWH (Own While Hitting).

Kyle Farnsworth – Recorded his second save and this one was a perfect inning.  If you’re circling around the Rays on the wings of Peralta or McGee waiting for vulture saves, you’re going hungry.

Angel Sanchez – 4-for-5, 2 Runs, 2 RBIs, batting .395 on the year.  There’s Dirty Sanchez, Filthy Sanchez and now Abandoned Warehouse Sanchez.  Big sign over Abandoned Warehouse says “No squatters.”

Michael Cuddyer – 4-for-4, even a broken clock is right twice a day, but it’s wrong a lot more of the time.  Remember that.

Jeff Francis – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I think he’s garbage but he gets the Mariners next time out who are more garbager.

Wilson Betemit – 2-for-4, now hitting over .500 in the last week though that was boosted by a 4-for-4 day on Sunday.  It’s feast or famine with these peasant Royals.  Right now, it’s feast for Betemit.  At any point, he’ll drop the boom and go back to MOS — ‘Mit Out Starting job.

Alexei Ramirez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and 2 homers (3 on the year).  Now has more homers than he hit the last three Aprils combined.  Cust kayin’.

Edwin Jackson – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I blame Juan Pierre.

Brett Myers – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I mean, I’d pick him up if he were on waivers, but I still don’t trust him to keep up this pace.

David Aardsma – Manager Eric Wedge said Aardsma will be the closer when he returns at the end of the month.  Wedge also said he doesn’t have a resume, but he can throw one together if it means a job managing a better team.

Jayson Werth – 2-for-3 and hit a homer yesterday batting between Rick Ankiel and Matt Stairs aka Blech and Belch.

Wilson Ramos – 2-for-3, batting .450.  Nice the Nats are giving Ramos ABs over “My Nickname Pudge Wasn’t Always Ironic” Rodriguez.  I’m getting ahead of myself, but Ramos is going to be in Friday’s Buy column and those in two catcher leagues should embrace him.  Not literally, that would be weird.

Joe Blanton – 6 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I wonder if he feels like the ugly redheaded stepchild.  You know, like Phillip on Survivor.

Ryan Howard – 1-for-3 with his third homer.  Sonavabench!  Why you ask did I have Howard on my bench?  Because stupid CBS locks lineups before the first stupid morning game whether the stupid Phillies are playing or not!  And CBS charges for this shizz!  Why can’t we make it standard across all platforms to lock lineups only for games underway?  Is this too much to effin’ ask?

Ricky Romero – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I do like Romero.  Tis true, if people say tis when it’s not Christmas time, but this was against the M’s.

Michael Pineda – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Hellickson was my AL ROY choice, but I almost went with Pineda.  Notice how I don’t mention I chose Freddie Freeman for the NL.  Well, they ain’t all roses.

Chris Carpenter – 4 IP, 8 ER.  Carpenter got hammered.

Lance Berkman – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer in two days.  Don’t have faith in him, but don’t have to while he’s hot.

David Freese – Hit his 2nd homer in the last three days.  If you lost Zimmerman, I ain’t mad at cha if you add Freese.

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Well, it wasn’t a 10 K performance like I would’ve liked to have seen, but it’s seven shutout innings so I’m going to shut up now.

Nate McLouth – Batted 2nd again with Heyward in the six hole.  What exactly did McLouth do right and Heyward, who homered yesterday, do wrong?  Are we pulling names out of a hat for the lineup card?  Fredi reaches in, “Batting third is…New Era.”  “Um, Coach, that’s the tag.”

Hold on one second, I’m breathing in that New Season Smell.  Hmm, actually I just smell a small gas leak.  Here’s hoping I make it through this post!  Baseball:  you make me feel like the only girl in the world!  Sticks and stones may break my bones but Ks and WHIPs excite me!  Okay, I lost my shizz there for a second.  I’m as excited as you, see?  Of course you do, unless you’re having your old lady read this to you.  Still, don’t overrate one day of stats.  Jeff Mathis will not bat .500 with 162 homers, Matt Holliday will not knock in 324 runs while helping Tony La Russa save stray kittens and Alex Gordon, who went 0-for-5, will not hit .000… Well, actually that might happen.  We’re only one game in.  Please keep shizz in perspective.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Capps – Twins announced that Matt Capps will share in the save opportunities.  Or Capportunities.

Russell Martin – 1-for-3 and a steal of third.  He hadn’t exerted so much effort getting to 3rd base since he caught Alyssa Milano on the rebound.

Curtis Granderson – 1-for-3, HR and he robbed a double by Brandon Inge aka Big Mike’s brother.

Tim Stauffer - 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Is that a Hodgepadre acting like a Road Scholar?  Not entirely.  Don’t take this the wrong way because I do like Stauffer a lot, but this wasn’t as nice a start as his ERA shows.  I’d still only start him at home for now.

Orlando Hudson – 0-for-2, Hit third for the Padres.  That’s not a compliment for Hudson, that’s an indictment of the Padres.

Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I think this might’ve been Verlander’s best game ever for the first month of the season.  Not even being sarcastic.

Austin Jackson – 1-for-4, 3 Ks.  Wouldn’t surprise me to see him K 170 times and hit .250.  Take from that what you will.

Yovani Gallardo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  More than happy with this start.  @CIN is probably the third worst start after @COL and @PHI.  Assuming there’s no games @MOON.

Carlos Gomez – 1-for-4, and the first slam & legs of the season.  Message to all teams with underperforming CFs.  Pick up Nyjer Morgan and it’ll scare them straight.

Rickie Weeks – 2-for-5, HR.  He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he could be.  Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, turkey gobble.

John Axford – Blows a save in as painful a way as possible — 4 runs including a 3-run dinger to Ramon ‘The Prospblock’ Hernandez.  Trevor Hoffman is probably experiencing flashbacks from last year.  Takashi Saito would be the speculative handcuff.

Edinson Volquez – 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  More like Volqueef.  Gotta stay patient here.  One game.  Yadda³.

Drew Stubbs – 2-for-5, HR.  The King of the Slam & Legs went without a steal yesterday, but those things will come.  Doode’s fast.  (<–illuminating!)  BTW, Stubbs went to UT and Rudy is living in Austin so at a Reds spring training game we were at, Rudy screamed to Stubbs, who was three feet away, “Hook ‘em horns!”  Stubbs didn’t even look.  Then Rudy yelled it again.  Still nothing.  Was like that Tom Hanks/Jon Lovitz SNL sketch.  Rudy’s eyebrows do come together in the most unappealing way.

Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-3.  Sandoval’s dropped a few pant sizes and lineup spots.  Honestly, I’d rather a fat Panda hitting 3rd-5th than a skinny one hitting 8th.  He’ll be hungry…..for Runs and RBIs!

Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  He looks so much better than Lincecum, in both a straight and gay way.

Ryan Franklin – Blew the save as he gave up a homer to Cameron Maybin.  I’ve gone on the record as saying that Motte will be closing games by the end of the year.

Albert Pujols – 3 GIDPs and a pop-up with a man on 3rd and one out.  That’s it.  We waited 10 years to get him in a draft (NL LABR) and this is what we get.  Poo-holes!

Cameron Maybin – 2-for-5 with a homer then he hurt his leg.  The universe just won’t let him break out.

Erick Aybar – 1-for-4 as he hit 6th, which makes sense if you’re a Sciosciapath.

Fernando Rodney – Got the ugly save.  The Angels pen didn’t look so hot and that was before they even got to the closer that deserves no respect.

Jeff Francoeur – Frenchy homered and threw out a man at home.  It’s Bastille Day!

Darwin Barney – Won the 2nd base job in Chicago.  I grabbed him in one NL-Only league, but there I’m really just hoping for everyday ABs.  I’d expect numbers that make Crapolanco look spectaculanco.  BTW, could anyone love dinosaurs more than Darwin Barney?

Mike Morse – 0-for-4.  Wanna say, “Okay, it’s one game.  Don’t overreact.  Stroke your ‘stache and calm yourself.”  But, guys (and three girl readers), righty pitchers look like they’ve already decoded Morse.

Melky Cabrera – 3-for-4, but as frequent commenter GopherDay said yesterday in the comments, “I’ve figured out why the Royals picked Melky over Cain for the CF job.  They want to fill M. Cabrera into their scorecard and dream.”

Craig Kimbrel – Member all that talk about a Venters timeshare?  Kimbrel faced two lefties in the ninth for the save.  Oh, and he was nasty.  Sorry, need the hyphen.  Nas-tee.  Will be this year’s Marmol.

Nate McLouth – 0-for-4.  Good to see McLousy pick up where he left off.  I give him until May until he’s in a blahtoon.

Jason Heyward – 1-for-2 and the first player to hit a homer in his first at-bat two seasons in a row, according to Elias Sports Bureau.  Actually, they didn’t say that, but here’s something that was overheard at the Elias compound on Opening Day.  Bob in Human Resources, “This is the 20th year I’ve worked with all of you nerds and I hate every single one of you.”

Barry Zito – Was in a car accident.  Ironically, watching him pitch is like a car wreck.  Zito must’ve had the Jack Johnson music too loud.  I’m so mellow…I see the red light as yellow.