Fantasy Baseball Advice

Let’s quote the Random Preseason Commenter, “You don’t have Matt Thornton in your top 20 closers?  Hey, Grey, how does it feel to suck at life?  Oh, and while you’re sucking, blow me.  Thank you.”  This isn’t to point out I knew Thornton would be terrible, but to say again how fickle closers are.  He wasn’t in the top 20 because he had very little experience as a closer, and to say he was a lock as an elite closer was absurd.  The whole point with closers is the same as William Goldman’s famous quote regarding Hollywood, “No one knows anything.”  Soria has a 5+ ERA, Mariano’s blown two saves, Brian Wilson has a 9+ ERA and Fernando Rodney… Well, you knew he would suck and he did.  In the preseason, I also said that Ryan Franklin would lose the job.  I didn’t think it would happen that fast, but there ya go.  I have more faith in Mitchell Boggs keeping the job and his accounting firm above water until October than I have in Ryan Madson, but he’s a closer too so he too should be owned.  It’s all about SAGNOF, ya’ll.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Heath Bell (+1) (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson, Chad Qualls)
2. Carlos Marmol (+2) (Kerry Wood, Sean Marshall)
3. Mariano Rivera (-2) (Rafael Soriano, Joba Chamberlain)
4. Jonathan Papelbon (+1) (Daniel Bard, Bobby Jenks)
5. Jose Valverde (+1) (Joaquin Benoit, Ryan Perry)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

6. Joakim Soria (-3) (Aaron Crow, Jeremy Jeffress)
7. Craig Kimbrel (+7) (Jonny Venters, George Sherrill)
8. J.J. Putz (+7) (David Hernandez, Juan Gutierrez)
9. Francisco Rodriguez (Jason Isringhausen, Bobby Parnell)
10. Chris Perez (+2) (Tony Sipp, Chad Durbin, Rafael Perez)
11. Huston Street (+2) (Matt Lindstrom, Rafael Betancourt)
12. Brian Wilson (-5) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
13. Francisco Cordero (+3) (Aroldis Chapman, Nick Masset)
14. John Axford (-4) (Kameron Loe, Zach Braddock, Takashi Saito)
15. Leo Nunez (+5) (Clay Hensley, Edward Mujica)
16. Joel Hanrahan (+6) (Evan Meek)
17. Drew Storen (+12) (Sean Burnett, Tyler Clippard)
18. Jordan Walden (+6) (Fernando Rodney, Hisanori Takahashi, Scott Downs)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

19. Brandon Lyon (+4) (Mark Melancon, Wilton Lopez)
20. Matt Capps (-3) (Joe Nathan)
21. Kyle Farnsworth (+8) (Joel Peralta, Jake McGee, J.P.Howell)
22. Kevin Gregg (+3) (Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
23. Brandon League (+2) (David Aardsma)
24. Brian Fuentes (+4) (Grant Balfour, Andrew Bailey)
25. Jon Rauch/Frank Francisco (+2) (Octavio Dotel, Jason Frasor)
26. Mitchell Boggs (-10) (Jason Motte, Ryan Franklin, Miguel Batista)
27. Jonathan Broxton/Hong-Chih Kuo/Vicente Padilla (-19) (Matt Guerrier, Kenley Jansen)
28. Ryan Madson (-7) (Antonio Bastardo, Jose Contreras, Brad Lidge)
29. Sergio Santos (-19) (Matt Thornton, Chris Sale, Jesse Crain)
30. Darren Oliver (-6) (Arthur Rhodes, Darren O’Day, Neftali Feliz, Anyone With Intimidating Facial Hair)

The man who looks like the man from Man Vs. Food’s father, Lance Berkman, is on a ginormous Kaiser roll.   Speaking of pastry, it’s not a coincidence that Lance Berkman’s initials are LB.  When he got to St. Louis, he asked the cabbie where the second arch is and why isn’t it painted gold.  If you think you have 2010 Konerko, you might.  But you also might have the 2011 Berkman, which isn’t nearly the player the 2006 Berkman was.  For Berkman, this is either a great month or it’s the beginning of a great year.  When dealing with a player on the downside of his career, I invariably go with the former, if the former is the first one where I think it’s just a great month.  At least when he was on the Astros, they could just play him at 1B so he didn’t injure himself in the OF.  It’ll take an apocalyptic event for that to happen in St. Louis.  I’d see if I could get someone to overpay believing this is the beginning of the beginning not the beginning of the end.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Ryan Theriot – He’s like a non-Aybar, Erick Aybar.

Danny Espinosa – You know I kept getting questions about Espinosa in the comments and I never put it together that he wasn’t owned in that many leagues.  In ESPN leagues, he’s only owned in 13% of leagues?  Huh?  He’s going to be a top 12 2nd baseman.  Sure, that’s like being the soberest Irishman, but still.  Here’s a refresher on my Espinosa fantasy.  I wrote that post in a hammock in Pago Pago and a homing pigeon delivered it back to Razzball HQ.

Darwin Barney – I have a confession to make.  The middle infidel who loves dinosaurs is on two of my teams.  So far, those teams aren’t doing well, but there ya go.

Jed Lowrie – You know what P. Diddy & Dirty Money would say about Jed, “‘Ain’t No Stopping Us Now,’ that’s Lowrie’s song.”

Aaron Harang – Know what I like a whole lot?  Chilled glasses.  And Hodgepadres.

Tyson Ross – I’ll know how deep the leagues are that should grab him after today’s start.  “To be continued…” as said by Vincent Price.

Alexi Ogando – Yes, the start in The House They Built Next To The House Ruth Built wasn’t pretty, but you gotta give him a little more leash than that.

Justin Masterson – I like Masterson.  You can search the site for info on him.  On sorta his last name’s subject, what do people think of a Razzball t-shirt that reads, “Fantasy Baseball, Something To Do Between Masturbation Sessions?”

Scott Baker – Rudy said earlier today he’d prefer Baker to Liriano.  That hurts me soul to read, Lupe Fiasco.  But if you’re eating what Rudy’s cooking…. Or is that baking?

Matt Capps – “He ain’t no handcuff, he’s the hand closer, essa.”  Said a’la Edward James Olmos.  Not entirely sure why Edward James Olmos is saying that but my family is in town for the holiday and they’re making me a little daffy.

Mitchell Boggs – After Boggs’ save, he rode a horse around Yankee Stadium and ate fried chicken out of Margo Adams’ bosom… You know, I think I’m clicking on the wrong Wikipedia page– I am!  Okay, Mitchell Boggs got the save and could get more.  Worth the pick up but there’s no guarantee he’s going to be the go-to guy.  We’re dealing with La Russa, after all.

Jon Rauch – SAGNOF!

Frank Francisco – SAGNOF²!

Kyle Farnsworth – Doing pretty well and is owned in only 41% of ESPN leagues, but since 60% ESPN leagues are already abandoned that’s 101% of leagues owning Farnsworth, so surely he’s taken in your league.  And don’t call me, Shirley.

David Freese – Liked him last week and this week it’s just 7 days later, which sounds like lyrics for a country song.

Mark Trumbo – Well, you can get on board until Kendrys returns, right?

Danny Valencia – Sounds like the name of a dancer on Dancing with the Stars that gets stucked with Loni Anderson or somebody.  “Valencia just roped a single down the line and… What’s this?  He’s salsa dancing to first.  Wow!”  Valencia’s kinda bleh but he’s currently hitting.

Jeff Francoeur – I liked our Tuesday afternoon post that talked about Frenchy.  Wasn’t bad, right?  (I also liked Monday, Wednesday and Thursday’s.)  But I feel like mentioning Jeff not simply because he’s hit a few Freedom Flies so far this year, but because there was something between the lines at that post that had to do with having Frenchy for the whole season.  Talking about what he’s going to do all year.  That’s cool, I get it, but let’s not forget he’s a fifth outfielder.  Get on board now and worry about that rest of the season shizz later.  If you get a solid 2 weeks from him then someone better comes along, what Frenchy does in August doesn’t matter.  And, for what it’s Wuertz, the French take August off. (And you thought I couldn’t write hundred words about Frenchy… Ha!)

Matt Joyce – Hitting almost .500 over the last week.  Now you’re getting your acclaims, Joyce.

Jerry Sands – Like Rudy this morning, I too thought Jerry was black.  Who knew he was like the Caribbean and white Sands?  Any the hoo!  I just went over my Sands fantasy.  I wrote it while standing on the Las Vegas Strip smacking escort flyers into my hand.

Peter Bourjos – Similarly to Espinosa, sometimes I think people read Razzball every day and retain all this shizz, so when I get questions about Bourjos it confuses me.  Do I like him?  Since January.

SELL

Ike Davis – I’m not saying to drop him (well, in some leagues maybe), but I’d definitely look to see if I could get anything in a trade for him after last night’s homer.

Sean Rodriguez – Yeah, I pushed him on people in the preseason, but garbage calls on Tuesday to have Sean-Rod picked up.

Alex Gordon – Our on-again, off-again romance lasted for five years (and felt like 45 years, as that sentence seemed to read) and as soon as he started to show signs that he liked me, I want no part of him.  I’m such a girl!  His walk rate is at 3.8%, K-rate is near 20%, his BABIP is at .426, he’s hitting well but his average will plummet to .275 at some point.  When he’s hitting .275 and has 17 homer power and 12 steal speed, he won’t look half as pretty.  I wouldn’t sell him for a Nicki Minaj record, but I would explore my trade options.

Grey is indisposed and asked if I would take a look see at the comings and goings in fake baseball land. So here I am. Not sure which to focus more on, the comings or the goings, but we’ll see how it goes or comes.

The more I watch baseball the more I hate pitchers. They are always getting hurt. They throw the ball right in front of the guy so all he has to do is stick this wooden club out there and hit it!  Just throw it away from him! Maybe into the outfield or something?  And relievers are the worst. SAGNOF is funny sounding and all, but lord have mercy; it’s a lot of shizztastic work picking up players like Wade Boggs’ uncles’ younger brother’s attorney at law Mitchell Boggs, but you gotta, and if you are in a league where he is still available, get me into it.  ‘Perts always say, hey, you gotta get in a better league if that guy is still on the wire. Um, hey ‘pert, doesn’t that mean I don’t have to live in New Zealand so I can be a day ahead of everyone which in turn will let me pick up all the choice SAGNOFers?  Wait, I would rather live in New Zealand, but if you live in frickin’ New Zealand why the hell are you sitting on your computer trying to pick up relievers!? Go outside! So anyway, Mr. Boggs was given the first save opportunity from TLR. He gave up a hit, but recorded the save and is the guy to own until something else happens which makes things change in some way.

Lance Berkman: Fat Puma is just taking pitchers down with a swipe to the flanks and then going for the jugular. In his last 7 games he’s had 13 hits, 6 home runs, 14 RBIs, and the love of a good woman. Will he keep this going? If I were a wagering man I’d say you are playing with house money at this point.

Geovany Soto: Soto went 0-4 on 4/20.

Matt Joyce: MJ went 2 for 3 yesterday with 2 doubles or is that two 2bs? Anywho, he started the season 1 for 20 and has been 14 for 30 since. If you do the math I think the latter is better.

Jose Reyes: He went 4 for 5 with 2 stolen bases and has hit safely in 15 of 18 games. I think our man Grey probably got you to draft him in your league. Thank me and I’ll tell Rudy and he’ll tell Grey and then Grey will tell the guy that writes all his posts.

Ricky Nolasco: He K’d 8 through 7 innings and gave up 4 hits in a win over the Buccos. Nolasco doesn’t seem to want to break out like he should, but he can do this to teams like the Pirates. Gotta take the good, the bad, learn some facts of life, etc…

Mike Napoli: Supposedly the addition of Taylor Teagarden will give Yorvit Torrealba (who names these people?) a backup and will help Napoli get more time at DH because he won’t have to be the emergency backup catcher, phew! And if that’s not how it works out? Va Fa Napoli! to all ya’ll!

Seth Smith: He went 2 for 3 with 3 runs and 2 RBIs against the Giants, which is not too shabby and nobody in their right mind wants to be shabby.  Smith will probably sit against lefties, but thankfully there are still people out there forcing their children to be right handed so the devil won’t have easy access to their souls.

Drew Storen: He recorded a 4 out save against the Cards yesterday. It’s looking more and more likely that Storen will be the guy as long as he doesn’t go Brad Lidge on us.

Ryan Franklin: Still not good.

Adam Dunn: Big Donkey Puncher and the donkey punchettes are losing like it’s going out of style, and Dunn is sucking like it is also going out of style (neither will ever go out of style).  I’d buy low on Dunn. When (if) Chicago warms up he’ll have no trouble sending baseballs into Lake Michigan.

Jered Weaver: Just to prove that not all pitchers suck, Weaver is going all Cy Young crazy on the American League and had a complete game win with 8 K’s against a tough Rangers team in a tough ballpark. He’s now 5-0 and on pace for a 600 K’s and 50 wins or something around there.  I’d trade any pitcher, so I’m always on the sell high train with them, but there’s also no reason to think he’s going to pull a Baldy Jimenez on us either.

Frank Francisco has a sore pectoral, Dotel has a sore hammy, I have a boo-boo on my finger.  Who’s going to close for the Jays?!  Rauch, and there’s no reason to scream.  Brian Wilson lost his Smile and may miss Opening Day.  Joe Nathan looks like he’s going to be the closer and also like he’ll be nothing like the Joe Nathan of old.  I’d handcapp him with Matt Cuffs… Uh, huh?  It makes me nauseous to write this but we got a hurt Putz.  He should be fine a week or two into the season, so, ya know, still draft him.  Fernando Rodney is going to be the closer and he’s going to be dreadful.  Andrew Bailey has a forearm strain and can never stay healthy.  Same could be said about Lidge, except his pain is in the biceps, or is it bicep?  Neftali wants to start, but I still think he closes.  Though I would love a decision on this.  Kevin Gregg sucks.  Storen may not even make the team the way he’s throwing.  And Franklin is firmly in the closing role which I don’t think lasts.  In other words, it’s the usual closer shizz.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (Rafael Soriano, Joba Chamberlain)
2. Heath Bell (Luke Gregerson, Chad Qualls, Mike Adams, Pat Neshek)
3. Joakim Soria (Robinson Tejeda, Jeremy Jeffress)
4. Carlos Marmol (+1) (Kerry Wood, Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Jonathan Papelbon (+1) (Daniel Bard, Bobby Jenks)
6. Jose Valverde (+1) (Joaquin Benoit, Ryan Perry)
7. Brian Wilson (-3) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt, Santiago Casilla)
8. Jonathan Broxton (Hong-Chih Kuo, Matt Guerrier, Kenley Jansen)
9. Francisco Rodriguez (+1) (Bobby Parnell, Manny Acosta)
10. John Axford (+1) (Takashi Saito, Zach Braddock)
11. Matt Thornton (+3) (Chris Sale, Jesse Crain)
12. Chris Perez (+2) (Rafael Perez, Tony Sipp)
13. Huston Street (Matt Lindstrom, Rafael Betancourt)
14. Craig Kimbrel (+1) (Jonny Venters, George Sherrill)
15. J.J. Putz (-7) (David Hernandez, Juan Gutierrez)
16. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Aroldis Chapman, Nick Masset)
17. Joe Nathan (+4) (Matt Capps)
18. Ryan Franklin (+4) (Jason Motte, Mitchell Boggs)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

19. Leo Nunez (+4) (Clay Hensley, Edward Mujica)
20. Brandon Lyon (+3) (Wilton Lopez, Jeff Fulchino)
21. Brad Lidge (Ryan Madson, Jose Contreras, Danys Baez)
22. Joel Hanrahan (Evan Meek)
23. Neftali Feliz (-2) (Alexi Ogando, Mark Lowe, Darren O’Day)
24. Fernando Rodney (-1) (Hisanori Takahashi, Kevin Jepsen, Jordan Walden)
25. Kevin Gregg (Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
26. Brandon League (+2) (David Aardsma)
27. Jon Rauch (-3) (Frank Francisco, Octavio Dotel, Jason Frasor)
28. Brian Fuentes/Grant Balfour (-15) (Andrew Bailey)
29. Kyle Farnsworth/Jake McGee (+1) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell)
30. Drew Storen/Sean Burnett/Tyler Clippard/Todd Coffey/Bill Cosby

I was alerted yesterday in our fantasy baseball forums that Ozzie Guillen will be sitting Alexei Ramirez for Jayson Nix.  And it may not be for just one game.  This makes perfect sense.  A guy who has never played a game at shortstop in the major leagues.  A guy who got the Rockies starting job at 2nd last year and hit .125 and 2 extra-base hits in 56 ABs.  A guy who couldn’t hold off Omar Quintanilla for the utility man role in Colorado.  A guy whose last name says it all.   So potatoes to chips, what does this mean for us?  It means we’re screwed in the screwhole!  What do you think it means?  No, actually, I think this is just a wakeup call.  Member how Victorino was benched for Werth last May?  Yeah, me too.  Alexei will get back his starting job and should be fine.  Also, shortstop is so weak on talent that it pays to wait this out for a bit.  (BTW, “potatoes to chips” is my new favorite phrase that means nothing.)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Derrek Lee – His neck spasms are acting up again.  This could be an ongoing issue all year.  Just when you think he’s out of the dark, someone shuts off the lights.

Lance Berkman – HR yesterday.  Left April batting .162, now is batting .194.

Oliver Perez – Disgraceful List.  He’s out with a strain to his ability to pitch effectively.  No timetable for his return.

Albert Pujols – 11th homer yesterday as he went 4-for-4.  The rest of the team had 3 hits.  Imagine what Pujols would do if they weren’t pitching around him.

Mitchell Boggs – Gave up 2 earned runs, but left the game after four and a third because of the inability to stop walking batters.

Nick Markakis – I am Sparkakis!

Kelly Johnson – DNP.  He’s in Cox’s doghouse pretty good this time.  Maybe dressing up as Gene Larkin for last Halloween wasn’t the best idea.

Jorge Cantu – HR yesterday, now has 30 RBIs.  Here’s what Rudy and I said after the first game of the season, “Hitting behind Ramirez for the rest of the season can only help.  It’s too early to predict a repeat of his 92/29/95 2008 season, but he’ll be a bigger bargain than most drafted cornermen.”  And that’s me quoting us!

Matt Capps – Says he could come back by Saturday.  Hold Grabow for now because I have my doubts.

Jake Peavy – 7 IP, 2 ER, 12 Ks.  With four of their top five hitters being Giles, Eckstein, Hairston and Gerut, they couldn’t beat the Washington Generals.

Kevin Slowey – 3 IP, 3 ER.  Unfortunately, the rain came and didn’t allow Slowey to fix a bad first inning.

Matt Tolbert – With Alexi Casilla sent down, Tolbert played 2nd base.   He should fit perfectly into the Twins plans for a weak offense.

Justin Upton – 2 HRs yesterday.  Okay, this might sound crazy, but has anyone seen him and BJ hit a homer in the same game?  Maybe him and BJ share a shoulder.

Cameron Maybin/Emilio Bonifacio – Their averages are moving closer and closer to each other and that really isn’t an endorsement for either.  On the bright side, Maybin has been seeing more time in the number two spot.

Felipe Lopez – Back from a sore ankle and stole two bases.  Sounds like someone was faking.

Manny Parra – 119 pitches through 6 innings, some walks and some Ks.  And this was a good matchup for him.  Pretty much exactly the kind of game Parra will throw.

Elvis Andrus – HR yesterday.  Of course, I just traded him away.

Aramis Ramirez – HR yesterday.  Guess he’s put his “cramps” behind him.

Randy Johnson – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, Zero Ks.  The humidor zapped the mullet’s strength!  Mullet… Must… Get… Fresh… Air…

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks.  Was a perfect matchup for the man with the greatest first name in the majors.  If you were to read between the words there, I’m basically saying I still don’t trust him for every start.

Matt Murton – HR yesterday for the Rockies.  He actually makes good sense in the Rox lineup when they’re facing lefties.  Could be a solid pickup in NL-Only daily leagues where you can work a platoon.

Aaron Hill – 7th homer yesterday.  Who was the pickup of the year so far?  If you have to ask, you don’t own Aaron Hill.

Joe Beimel – Back in action! In the 9th inning!  Of a blowout?

Clayton Kershaw – See what I said about Parra and put it on a better team in a pitcher’s park.

Russell Martin – 3-for-5, 7 for his last 14.  Might be coming out of his early season sassafras. (<–Fun word used incorrectly!)

Bronson Arroyo – 1 IP, 9 ER.  Afterward, he played a song on his guitar.  It went like this, “I suck, suckers… Suck, suck, suck, suckers…”  Pretty catchy actually.

Ryan Braun – Grand slam and 6 RBIs.  If I may venture a guess, Braun will hit well when he’s playing then take a few games a month to recoup (cortisone shot).  Remember, 75% of Braun is Brau.  As in Lowenbrau.  Which is delicious.

Chan Ho Park – Dueled Johan Santana through 6 innings, giving up only 1 hit.  In other news, pigs can fly.

Joe Crede – Sat out because of an upset tummy.  If I ran a major league team, any time a player wanted to sit out for a minor ailment, I’d have them report their condition to Cal Ripken.  Just call him up and tell him you’re sitting out because you had Thai food for lunch.  Might think twice about ordering the Larb.