Fantasy Baseball Advice

On the first day of the season, I said something profound and uplifting.  Don’t go back to look.  I’m sure I did.  Today, I’m like Mark Twain talking about summer in San Francisco but less pithy.  The coldest winter I ever spent was the last day of the baseball season.  It’s metaphorical, friend.  Trust me.  Here’s where I tell you how everything’s gonna be okay.  How there will be a next season, barring the Mayans taking things into their own hands… I can’t do that.  I can’t tell you there will be a next season.  *checking notes*  Actually, I can do that.  There will be a next season.  Hey, that’s good news!  Also, next year we’ll know not to draft Morneau.  That’s more good news!  And next year we’ll be done with the hair transplant so girls will start to react favorably to us.  That’s good news too!  So, I know you’re blue, but without clouds there’s no sun.  Actually, I don’t know if that’s true.  Again, metaphorical.  Or is that meteorological?  You know what?  These aren’t things we need to get hung up on.  We’re gonna sit here, read all my year-end recaps that’ll be coming in the next few weeks and wait until next year.  Even if gangrene sets into our legs from lack of circulation!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jose Reyes – Laid down a bunt single then had himself removed from the game to guarantee he won the batting title.  That’s not how Ted Williams would’ve liked it.  He risked a .400 average to take all his ABs in the last game of the season.  The only time he quit while ahead was after death.

Miguel Batista – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  After the Mets-Reds game, Batista learned that this great start was all a hilarious stunt for a new show on MLB.TV called “Last Wish” starring the incomparable Steve “Psycho” Lyons.  Gotcha, Miguel!  Stay tuned for Sean Casey’s talk show ‘The Mayor’ where guests come out and chat while standing on 1st base.

Cubs – Reached out to Tampa Bay’s Andrew Friedman to take over their vacant GM job.  Unfortunately, Bartman deflected Friedman and the Cubs couldn’t make the catch.  Moises so mad!

Gordon Beckham – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer.  I told you he’d be a sleeper this year!  Deep, effin’ REM sleeper.  I hate this schmohawk.  I’d like to write Beckham’s blurb with cut-out magazine letters from the basement of an undisclosed location.

Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Now here’s an underperforming sleeper I can get behind (every year and every year he fails to live up to expectations).

Hector Sanchez – 1-for-4.  How many Sanchezes does this team have?  Jonathan, Freddy, this other guy… Does Sabean think Sanchez translates to 35-year-old player?  Call them Tres Sanchezes and they play just outside Creme de Carmel, California.  BTW, with the addition of Hector, Sanchez just edged out Sandoval as the surname with the highest net weight in the Giants clubhouse.

Phil Humber – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Wasn’t in love with his K-rate this year and I’m not convinced it’s ever gonna nudge above 7.  Though he can maintain around a 3.75 ERA next year. #Humberbrag

Craig Kimbrel – 2/3 IP, 1 ER as he blew the save and the Braves playoff chances.  What a Wohlers.

Carl Pavano – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks as he beat the Royals’ Bruce Chen who went 8 IP, 0 ER.  There was no actual runs in this game.  Mercy rule was called so these two teams could return home to people who care about them.

Mike Napoli – 2-for-3 and 2 more homers against Scioscia and the Angels to bring his season total to 30 homers.  Me, Napoli and his mom’s nipples have made it to the mountain top!  And it’s chilly!  Which is perfect weather.  So we have to snuggle.

Dan Johnson – Hit a huge homer for the Rays to tie up the game in the ninth.  How is Johnson even playing?  He was Pipp’d by Monoboy.  What a great day for baseball.  Speaking of which…

Evan Longoria – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs, 2 homers with one being the walk off winner that took the Rays to the postseason.  Hopefully now Longoria can forget about finding out who Tony Parker was sleeping with.

Mark Teixeira – 2 homers, 5 RBIs and… Oh, who cares?  Did you see the Rays, Braves and Red Sox games?

Cole Gillespie – Homered in the heat of the ninth.

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-5 with his 27th steal.  I know I’m a damn fool for Young, but bear with me.  Or bare, if you’re a naturist.  He had 41 singles this year and 26 walks.  That means he was on first roughly 67 times (I say roughly because if he legged out a single and then there was an error, he’d end up on second, I’m not looking into shizz that closely).  So imagine he played in 155 games and got on first 150 times.  He’d have like a thousand steals.  Or 50+.  Either way, please let someone free Eric Young Jr. from platoon duty.  He’s got a family to feed!

Chris Carpenter – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Sure, it was against the Astros B lineup… Wait a second, that’s not their B lineup.  Aw, Shuck.

Gio Gonzalez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks vs. the Mariners which is worse than the Astros B lineup.

Milton Bradley – Was arrested yesterday on suspicion of battery.  No word yet on Milton Bradley’s accomplices, but I’m sure the Parker brothers will be brought in for questioning.

Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks.  The Nationals season is like getting a massage at a shady parlor.  Awkward, messy, but at least you get a happy ending.

Adam Lind looks headed to the DL with back spasms.  Wait until the Iron Shiek gets his hand on Lance Berkman.  You know how he hates ex-members of the Killer B’s.   I break your back!  Make you humble!  And… Well, you can watch the video yourself.  It’s not safe for work, community outreach centers or, really, anywhere there’s anyone else within earshot.  From that point, browse some more Iron Sheik videos.  He has a surprisingly large amount of hatred for a wide array of people and expresses his hatred in the most eloquent of ways.  Okay, that was a long sidebar.  As for Lind, hope he gets DL’d quickly so you can grab someone else.  Yeah, I kinda just wanted to talk about the Iron Sheik.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Vicente Padilla – Mattingly said Padilla could keep closing even after Broxton returns.  I say, it’s early May and things will change.   To misquote my new favorite song, “Padilla is the same man, same that he’s always been.”  All these buckets of rain!  I love that song.  Okay, moving on.

Zack Greinke – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Facing the Padres is the ultimate slumpbuster.

Josh Beckett – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5Ks in a no decision.  Beckett suddenly has gone from a 5.78/1.54 to a sub-2.00/sub-1.00 ERA/WHIP.  His dad better re-think his rookie card valuation.

Justin Morneau – 2-for-5.  Two hits in one game?!  There hasn’t been a game where he’s done more, no?  The preceding wordplay was brought to you by Highlights Magazine.

Luke Scott – Has a partial tear in his labrum.  I hear that’s common among aspiring female gymnasts.

Javier Vazquez – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 0 Ks.  I’d like to Iron Shiek this guy and make him humble.  Can’t someone make the proper call on the Marlins and send him to the Disgraceful List?  He’s useless.  Really bad year to give up avoiding V**quez pitchers.

Gaby Sanchez – Now has homers in back-to-back games while going 7 for his last 8.  Yo Gaby Gaby!

Roy Oswalt – Will not be ready to return on Friday.  He said, “Stupid tractor’s got its peddles all flippety-flappety.  I don’t know when I can return.”

Domonic Brown – Hitting well in Triple-A.  Time to start stashing him on your bench.

Aneury Rodriguez – 5 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks as he got pitchslapped by Travis Wood and gave me an aneurysm in my NL-Only league.

Chris Iannetta – 2-for-3 with his 5th homer.  I’d say he’s better than Napoli but I’m afraid that I might wake up with El Caballo’s head in my bed.

Pedro Alvarez – 0-for-3.  I liked the 0-for-0′s better.

Ryan Doumit – I saw that he hit a homer last week, but then he was benched.  Then he hit a homer in his next start on Sunday.  Then yesterday he played in his 2nd game in a row and went 3-for-4.  If you play in two catcher leagues, you can grab Doumit, but keep in mind his last name is German for without glove.

Joel Hanrahan – Recorded his 11th save while rocking a 1.42 ERA.  What’s the world coming to?!  Somebody shoot Spider.

Travis Wood – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  On Thursday, there’s going to be a post about pitchers that have been unlucky.  Guess who was going to headline it?  You better knock… On Wood!  Yeah, that’s the drawback to writing about a sport that changes every day.  I’d still see if you could get Wood without it costing too much.  And that sounded like a person bargain shopping for brothels.

Mat Latos – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4  Ks.  I get no pleasure from seeing someone I avoided doing poorly.  Actually, that’s a lie.  Schadenfreude!

Carlos Quentin – A HR and 5 RBIs to up his totals to 8 HR and 23 RBIs.  Party like it’s 2008!

Edwin Jackson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  You’re glad you held tight to Jackson now, huh?  What?  You didn’t hold tight?  Oh, your bad.

Vernon Wells – Strained groin.  I used to strain my groin all the time in high school.

Trevor Cahill – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks as he FIP’ed off his non-owners.

Josh Willingham – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 6th homer while he appeals a suspension for bumping an umpire on Saturday.  This is after BJ Upton had a HR and 7 RBIs during the weekend while appealing a suspension.  If only Milton Bradley had just been himself in Seattle…

Milton Bradley – The Mariners designated Bradley for assignment as he wasn’t meeting their offensive standards (double meaning intended).  How bad is it when the Mariners think your hitting isn’t up to snuff?  It’s like the late 70′s Pirates or 80′s Mets dropping you because you do too much coke.  Milton Bradley is upset but at least he wasn’t replaced by one of the Parker brothers.

The national budget isn’t the only thing that’s strained in DC, Ryan Zimmerman is headed to the DL with an ab strain.  This was an injury that originally happened in Spring Training and now it looks like the ab has taken out a *pinkie to mouth* restraining order.   Zimmerman always seemed like such a good boy, who knew he had a bad side?  For those baby boomers in the audience, Robert Zimmerman is Dylan and Ryan Zimmerman is illin’.  For those housewives reading on, Ryan’s owners whine of choice is Zimm-for-DL.  Yeah, that pun is a worse strain than his.  So now that this strain has resurfaced, it makes me think the Nats are going to let it heal for a lot longer than 15 days to make sure there’s no more relapses.  Worse, if they don’t play it safe and rush him back in two weeks, he could reinjure himself and be out for another few weeks.  (Something that could, unfortunately, happen anyway.)  All in all, it’s a good day to not own Zimmerman.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Alexi Ogando – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  A…O…A’ight!  BTW, do you know Tony Danza’s blood type?  It’s AO.  Watch out, Catskills, here comes Grey!  Another great start for the converted outfielder.  It’s been a while since the Rangers let an outfielder take the mound (see Jose Canseco) but it’s paid off big.  Looks like Tommy Hunter has been Pipp’d!  Ogando did leave in the 8th with a recurring blister.  It’s something to watch.  Not literally, unless you’re in the same room as him.

Justin Verlander – 9 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Rudy’s Cy Young pick held down the dangerous Texas offense.  If the Tigers could’ve scored a few runs and Verlander had more than 4 Ks, it would’ve warranted more exclamatory punctuation.

Andrew Bailey – A’s said he should be back in a few weeks.  So his ETA for getting hurt again is approximately a few weeks and a day.

Rajai Davis – To the 15-day DL with an ankle injury.  You never hear about cankle injuries.  You goofed, God, cankles are more durable.

Sam Fuld – 4-for-6 with two doubles, a triple and a homer to complete The Hungry Man cycle.  The 30-year-old AAAA Cub OF has become a Bear since he moved to Tampa.  He’s now stolen 5 SBs on the year and hit his first bomb today.  Don’t drop anyone too valuable for him, but you’ve got to ride his hot streak.

Jeremy Hellickson – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (5 walks), 1 K.  Hellickson didn’t have his ‘A’ stuff.  Wasn’t quite his Triple-A stuff either.  Didn’t matter since the Rays bats finally made it through customs.

Matt Joyce – 1-for-6, batting third.  Would’ve been nice if he had a big game to justify him staying in the lineup, but that’s A Portrait of the Unqualified Hitter in the Three Hole from Joyce.

Adrian Gonzalez – 1-for-2 with a triple and Ortiz went 2-for-4 with a triple as the grounds crew at Fenway moved third base on top of second.

Edinson Volquez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks with more first inning shenanigans.  The Reds might consider letting Volquez pitch batting practice to the Reds before his starts.

Chris Heisey – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer as he hit leadoff.  Dusty thinks Oh-Bee-Pee is that movie theater candy that stick in your teeth, but I still wouldn’t be surprised if Stubbs sits a lot more if he doesn’t start hitting.

Jonny Gomes – Now has a homer in back-to-back games.  Not quite as hot as Jennifer Connelly going back-to-back in Requiem for a Dream, but not bad.

Jonathan Herrera – 2-for-4, now 7 for his last 10 with steals in back-to-back games.  Shouldn’t last but in deep enough leagues, I’d definitely take a look.  (Note: As I wrote that, WordPress told me, “You do not have permission to do that.”  Take that as you want.)

Seth Smith – 3-for-4 with a steal.  Right now, The Lisper’s Nightmare is playing every day vs. righties and hitting .367.

Mike Pelfrey – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Probably the last time I’m going to repeat myself on this topic so head’s up to those of youse who weren’t paying attention for the last three months.  Ixnay on the Elfreypay.

Mark Buehrle – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K.  Isn’t it funny — which naturally means this is completely unfunny — how Buehrle throws a perfect game or near-perfect game a few times a year then is totally mediocre the rest of the year?

Matt Thornton – 1/3 IP with the blown save, but the tying run was unearned, so there’s the junebug on the duck’s back or some other yokelism.  BTW, Juan Pierre has blown the last two Thornton blown saves.  He’s like the anti-DeWayne Wise.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Homer yesterday, now has 4 homers on the year.  A’la Cher from Clueless, “As….DRUBAL!”

Mitch Talbot – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Talbot has a 1.46 ERA on the year, Indians are 8-2 and a pig just flew by my window.  And the pig was wearing a lovely Hawaiian muumuu from Talbot’s.

Tyler Chatwood – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Did they promote him from an Indiana high school?  (Hey, Hoosiers fans!)  He’s super young/raw/adjective and his last name sounds like a website you don’t want your significant other finding in your browser history.  I wouldn’t touch Chatwood at all this year in non-keepers, until he strings together a few weeks of quality starts.

Starlin Castro – 3-for-5, a steal and hitting .364.  He’s no As…DRUBAL!  But he’s doing his thang.  Or is it thing?

Madison Bumgarner – 5 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks.  It’s time to worry that the extra innings last year are emphasizing the first syllable of his last name.

Pat Burrell – 2-for-2 with his 4th homer.  It’s Pat the Bat and he’s swinging, ladies.

Chone Figgins – It’s one thing when someone like Ryan Howard doesn’t hit their weight, but when it’s someone like Figgins it’s another thing.  Figgins left Monday night’s game early with a thumb bruise – early word is that it’s day-to-day but he probably warrants a stint on the Disgraceful List.

Matt Kemp – 1-for-2, 1 RBI and his 7th steal while batting .441!  New coach Davey Lopes is like the SB whisperer.  BTW, a friend went to Kemp’s party after the Dodgers opening night win at a club here in LA.  Two hours after the win, Kemp was standing on the bar with two champagne bottles flipped over, pouring into his mouth like he was a fountain.  I like it!  He’s playing loose!

Rafael Furcal – Broken thumb and he’s contemplating retirement.  Sounds like his dream of being a movie reviewer isn’t going to happen either.

Jon Rauch – Yesterday, Shawn Camp got to blow the game for the Jays.  Okay, not sure where Rauch was.  A pickup game with Mets pitcher, Chris Young?  Saving a kitten from the top of a skyscraper?  Picking coconuts?

Mat Latos – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Actually, he didn’t look that bad, but I still wouldn’t buy into him because of the excess innings from last year.  Also, I find it weird how I loved him last year and this year I watched him for about two innings and thought he was such a douche.  “Ooh, I’m Mat Latos and I’m yelling for Gomes to run faster on a home run.”  Perhaps if you stop giving them up, it won’t be a problem.  How’s dem apples?  Sour?

Orlando Hudson – 2-for-4, 2 steals.  He stole 4 bases in April of 2009 and only stole 4 more the rest of the year.  Yup.

Corey Patterson – 2-for-5 with a homer as he filled in for Rajai.  Looking for a guy that can give you an 0-for-35?  Look no further!  For a limited time only, Patterson might be a worthwhile fantasy add.

Milton Bradley – 2-for-4 with his first homer.  He’s still batting third and batty, in general.

Lance Berkman – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Welcome to the Cardinals, Guy Who Looks Like He Could Be the Host of Man vs. Food’s Father.

Kyle McClellan – 6 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  For my next trick, I will resurrect Steve Howe’s corpse and turn him into a Hall of Famer.  That’s what Dave Duncan said after yesterday’s game.

Chris Narveson, his name makes me think of the insurance guy from Groundhog Day.  Am I right or am I right-right?  His name also would sound good recited by Chris Cornell.  Chris Narveson, won’t you come and wash away the rain?  Won’t you come.  Won’t you come.  Narveson was in my top 80 starters.  Let’s see what I said there, “Hmm… I don’t remember and I’m too lazy to click on the link to the actual blurb.  No one actually reads stuff I quote from myself so I’m gonna pretend I just explained Narveson to a T.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Yesterday, he had the line of 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s also 29 years old, so I’d preach a bit of caution.  He’s good for Ks (7+ K/9), dangerous on walks and around a 4.00 ERA starter in the NL.  So that’s good, meh, serviceable.  In any league deeper than 12 team, he should be owned.  In 12 team leagues, I’d take the flyer where I had room.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Rickie Weeks – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer in 4 games.  On one hand, I’d sell him.  On the other hand, who are you selling him for?  On my third lesser known hand, I’m wearing a puppet while talking out of the corner of my mouth.

Brandon Beachy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  It’s full steam ahead.  I.e., pick him up, snitches!

Craig Kimbrel – 1 IP, 3 Ks and the save.  Rawr!  That is all.

Rick Porcello – 5 IP, 5 ER.  Porcello dropped a mushroom cloud.  I own Porcello in my Fantasy Razzball league.  You know, the league where you want the worst players.  That’s what I think of him.  I do hear Porcello is a fungi!

Miguel Cabrera – 0-for-4, played yesterday but he was throwing up during the game.  Liquor before beer, man.  C’mon!

Will Rhymes – 2-for-3, and his first major league steal.  He can steal 25 of them if he plays in 130+ games.  SAGNOF!  And he appreciates the finer things in life.

Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer as The Dread Pirate returned to the lineup.  This season is when McCutchen goes 20/40 and becomes a top outfielder.

Neil Walker – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and hitting .412.  For what it’s Wuertz, Walker is the player who ended up on the most teams owned by Rudy and me.

Joel Hanrahan – Member when you wouldn’t draft him last week because he wasn’t good in Spring Training?  Yeah, Hanrahanananananan has 3 saves and a zero ERA.

Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He was in last week’s Buy and I do like him, but he also gave up 5 walks in this game.  Wildly effective can quickly become “Holy eff in the effhole what is Morton doing to my ratios?”

Alfonso Soriano – 2-for-3 with his 2nd homer in two days.  Guys and three girl readers, he’s been hitting well in April for a few years now.  Don’t act too school for cool about picking him up.

Randy Wells – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I actually liked him last year and he abused my trust pretty badly, but there’s a heart under this rugged, mustachioed exterior that has learned how to forgive.  I’d give Wells a chance in 14+ team leagues, but his WHIP tends to be high even though he doesn’t walk a whole lot of hitters.

Willie Bloomquist – Is Stephen Drew getting Pipp’d out?  1 HR and 3 SB already for Bloomquist.  Definitely unexpected from the Arizona bench in which the only thing supreme about it is it sounds like the Supreme Court (Bloomquist, Roberts — can they trade for Clete Thomas, Adam Kennedy or Jon Jay?).  This is probably self-evident but don’t touch Bloomquist unless you’re using a 12-team NL pole.

Milton Bradley – 3-for-4 and hitting third.  Sure, playing with Milton Bradley is unsafe for ages 12 and over, but batting third adds fantasy value.

Erik Bedard – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Best thing I can say about this start is he walked away without injury.

Nelson Cruz – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer.  He’s going 40/20 if he can stay healthy, but that if has its own postal code.

Elvis Andrus – 1-for-4 and Elvis left the building for the first time since Michael Jackson died.  Yo, legends mourn legends.  If Andrus goes 10/40 this year, you’re gonna appreciate me ranking him about fifty spots before all other ‘perts.  Yeah, I love the Rangers offense.  Deal with it.

Derek Holland – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  What I don’t love is Ranger pitchers (except Neftali — I ain’t mad at cha!).  Holland’s a decent enough flyer in deep leagues, but I’d be careful.

Jorge Posada – 1-for-3 with his third homer.  Posada’s agent, “I told you the DH was a good move!”

Ivan Nova – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Whatevs, I wouldn’t touch him.

Jake Arrieta – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  For now, I wouldn’t touch Arrieta outside of AL-Only leagues and, even there, I probably wouldn’t own him.  In 100 1/3 IP last year, he had a 4.66 K/9.  That was 11th worst in the league.  It can get better, but I’d prefer to see it happen before I go near him.

Jeremy Guthrie – Has pneumonia.  The p is silent as in pwhatever.

Ryan Theriot – 1-for-5 with his first steal.  Has made 2 errors this season and scouts aren’t enamored with his defense.  I never thought I’d say this but Brendan Ryan had a lot of fantasy baseball value last season.  For STL pitchers that is.  Carpenter, Garcia, and Westbrook are all ground ball pitchers.  Downgrading on SS defense would seemingly be the last thing you’d want to do.  Oh well, at least us fantasy baseballers get to enjoy Theriot’s mediocre offense.

Matt Holliday – He’s saying that he doesn’t need a DL trip and can return in a week.  He’s kinda sexy and I kinda love him.  Get well soon, Mr. Holliday!  That’s me filling out the card for the edible arrangement I’m sending him.  Don’t judge!

Kyle Drabek, the Blue Jays top pitching prospect, was called up to start on Wednesday vs. the O’s.  Kyle Drabek is 24th on the top 50 prospects for fantasy baseball.  He has top of the rotation stuff and a good pedigree with his dad being the former Cy Young winner, Doug.  Or Guod if you’re dyslexic.  Or “Hey, look a bird,” if you have ADHD.  Well… Kyle Drabek had top of the rotation stuff.  Now he looks closer to a number 2 or 3.  His strikeout rate went from 10+ K/9 in A to 7+ in Double-A.  Word on the street is his velocity is down.  He’s obviously too young to write off.  Velocity could return with the gaudy Ks.  In keepers, I’d grab him in AL-Only, obviously.  In mixed league keepers, it needs to be deep for him to have any real value.  For this year, I’d be very cautious about starting him anywhere.  In his first two starts, he gets the M’s and O’s, or the Mo’s.  Not bad matchups, but starting rookie pitchers in the final weeks of the season is asking for trouble.  You just have no idea what he’s going to do in his cup of coffee, he may or may not get creamed.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Adam Lind – 1-for-2 with 22nd homer.  I’m sorry, I will like him again next year.  I’ll love him if he can train with the guy who trained Zobrist in the winter of 2009 and Bautista last winter.

Desmond Jennings – 2-for-4 with his 1st steal in his 2nd start.  Unfortunately, it’s taken two weeks to get two starts.  If there’s any sorta keeper league where he’s available, you must own him.  Or my name isn’t Grey Posdnuos Albright.

Jay Gibbons – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last 3 days.  Crazy as this is, he’s the hottest Dodger hitter.  They should show him jumping around on the Jumbotron and call him, The Rally Honkey.

Casey Coleman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  That’s nice, he’s still unownable.

Brennan Boesch – 0-for-1 with 2 steals.  What the– Oh, Jake Fox was catching for the O’s.  Unathletic like a Fox!

Brandon Inge – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last week.  In that time, he has a hit in all but one game and a steal.  Wouldn’t say he’s the most exciting pickup, but what’s Pablo Sandoval doing right now?  Yup.

Brayan Pena – 2-for-3 with a homer.  Now hitting near-.400 in the last week as he plays every day with Kendall’s shoulder mercifully letting the Royals go younger.  Pena has little power, but he’s never hit below .300 in 4 seasons of the minors.

Paul Konerko – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs with his 35th and 36th homers.  He’s also hitting .322.  Tomorrow… lassoing the moon!

Andres Torres – Going to miss about two weeks with an appendectomy.  When doctors said Torres is going to have something useless removed from his body, everyone in the Giants’ clubhouse thought the same thing, “What is Aaron Rowand doing in Torres’ body?”

Mat Latos – 4 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Not sure who’s madder, his H2H owners for him picking the worst time to be terrible or the Padres fans… Actually, I’ve only heard Padre fans existed, I’ve never met any.

Chris Young – Threw 5 2/3 IP in rehab.  He K’d Lindsay Lohan twice.  The Padres will be happy to get Young back.  Someone put the Tinactin on the top shelf and no one can reach it.  Also, the Padres could use an innings eater.  If Young gets starts, which I think he will, he’ll be worth using depending on the matchup.

Ian Kennedy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He now has a month of quality starts under his belt (and shot an elephant in his pajamas).  Kennedy gets the Pirates next.  That’s a “Yes,” and “Please.”

Justin Upton – Diamondbacks are shooting for an early this week return for J-Upside.  Keep in mind that if one setback occurs, they’re not going to risk Upton’s future.

Milton Bradley – Shutdown for the season.  Backdate that to March.

Josh Johnson – Didn’t need to be Nancy Reagan’s astrologer to see this one coming.  Johnson’s not coming back this year.

Emilio Bonifacio – 3-for-4 with a steal.  He’s now batting around .500 in the last week with three steals in the last three games.  Bonifacio’s capable of about a two week hot streak.  I’d get aboard in all leagues for the next week.

Mike Stanton – 3-for-4 with 2 more homers to bring his season total to 20 in 291 ABs.  Bill James’ 2011 projection for him will be… 40 homers?  42?  45?

Clay Hensley – Three games, three saves.  Should you pick him up?  Do your pits smell like onions?

Cliff Lee – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Yankees.  Nice audition, but Yankee rotation casting callbacks won’t happen until December.

Elvis Andrus – 1-for-3 with his 3rd steal in the last week.  Borbon has 2 steals in the last ten games.  Maybe Washington finally cut the brake line.

Josh Hamilton – MRI showed he has bruised ribs.  Yeah, no shizz.  Still no word when he’ll return, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s not until the final week of the season.  Baby’s black balloon deflates.

Jordan Zimmermann – 3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K vs. the Marlins.  That’s so bad I wouldn’t start him anywhere the rest of the year unless your shituation was dire.  I mean, c’mon, Charlie Hough wearing a Wolverine Mechanical Claw from Toys R Us could strike out more Marlins.

Raul Ibanez - Hit a homer yesterday and is batting over .400 in the last week.  Giraffe’s gestation period is shorter than it took Ibanez to get hot, but he’s there now.

Jimmy Rollins – Went for an MRI on his hammy while his owners feel like they got a yearlong whammy.

Johan Santana – No disrespect to our Al-Qaeda readers, but you had to be in a cave if you didn’t hear Johan’s headed for shoulder surgery.  He may not even be able to make it back for the beginning of next season.  Sounds a lot like Brandon Webb from this past preseason.  Knowing the Mets, it’ll be announced that Johan will return by April 15th then he won’t pitch until July.  I’m sure January Grey will have his take in the 2011 rankings.  January Grey, “Stop with all the pressure!”

Coco Crisp – Has 7 steals in the last 4 games (6 steals against the Red Sox in the last three).  Hello, V-Mart.  Goodbye, 1st base.

Josh Beckett – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Now has a 5.38 ERA on the year.  His FIP is over a run under his ERA and his K-rate is over 8.  It may not be glamorous to say, but I could see Red State Jeter having a bounce back next year.

Dan Haren – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Has a 3.04 ERA with the Angels.  Looks like he’s finally figured how to combat the 2nd half swoon.  Just pitch terribly in the 1st half.  Okay, close your eyes for a second.  Don’t worry, I won’t pickpocket you.  Now imagine Haren has a good 1st and 2nd half.  Ahh…

Hideki Matsui – 1-for-3 yesterday, hitting near-.450 over the last week with pop.  He then wrote a thought bubble above his wife that read, “Godzilla is so dreamy!”