Fantasy Baseball Advice

Will probably be activated for Tuesday. I hear the Padres didn’t want to pay for his Sunday meal waiver when the guys decided to go to Dick’s Last Resort in the Gaslamp. Chicken Fingers don’t come cheap. Headley should play six of seven games unless he struggles mightily, then he’ll probably play seven of seven like the Friars did with Kouzmanoff last year. Headley can hit. Ryan Howard and Prince Fielder are about the only ones that could hit forty home runs in Petco if it were their home park, so the park will be a factor in Headley’s success. Headley has a terrific eye and good power. Will he be Bruceterful? Perhaps, he’s got a much better eye than Bruce, but his ballpark is dreadful. Also, his speed is somewhere between A-Gonz and Kouz, which is to say it’s non-existent. I’d say Headley’s projections are 30/10/40/.280. Numbers that could make a difference in deep leagues. Of course, the exciting thing is the ceiling’s much higher since he’s a rookie. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jorge Campillo – Complete game loss is nothing to sneeze at. Unless you’re allergic to complete game losses, which would be an odd allergy. But I think Trace Adkins can help.

Micah Owings – I’m done done with Micah Owings. You wanna use him in the near future? You’re taking your WHIP into your own hands. For those reading in Latin America, caveat emptor.

Billy Wagner – Hey, what do you know? He can still get three guys out. Imagine how many saves Nolan Ryan would’ve had if he only had to get three guys out four days a week. Seriously, imagine it. If you can’t, I will for you. 12,000 saves for Nolan Ryan.

Paul Konerko – Might head to the DL. Maybe he’s got the same injury as Victor Martinez. The ‘ol “I’m really sucking and I gotta figure out an excuse fast” injury.

David DeJesus – 3 HRs and .345 in June. Also, turned a loss into a win.

Joe Saunders – Fifth ten game winner. Is it me or are we headed for more twenty game winners this year than in the last four years combined?

Lastings Milledge – Playings welledge recently, but stilledge got a way to go before he’s worth addings.

Jacoby Ellsbury – 33rd steal. On pace for a lot. I gotta say, one of the bigger surprises this season so far for Grey (that’s me). Maybe later in the week I’ll do my top twenty surprises. That seems like something you people would like to read.

Vernon Wells – After leaving with a sore wrist on Saturday, he was back in there to go 0-for-4. I’ll cut to the chase for you, a sore wrist for Wells is a major issue.

Jorge Posada – 8-for-22 and two home runs since returning. Eh, Doumit did that in one game. If you need a piece, trade Posada and don’t feel guilty about it. As Oskar Schindler said, I pardon you.

Jay Bruce – He just came off his worst week (5-for-30 with one RBI) and I don’t think it’s necessarily going to get better. However, he did manage to find time to air lift 18 rare mountain bongo antelope to Africa.

C.C. Sabathia – I’m sure glad he was an absolute waste of a top pick– Oh, wait. He’s fine. Yeah, dur. (BTW, I said Cliff Lee wouldn’t be at 2.50 ERA by June 15th and Eric Karabell said he’d finish the season with it. I win. Again. Eat it, Karabaloney.)

Down goes moobs! Down goes moobs! Ah, to be a fantasy baseball newsie… Or a Howard Cosell porncaster… Well, I can’t say it was completely surprising that the Royals sent Billy Butler down to their other Triple-A team. I suppose they could’ve sent down the whole team. Because of the long leash Gordon received last year, I imagine Butler is wondering if this is some sort of moob discrimination. Perhaps it’s a moob point. Butler will be back in a few months and will continue his quest to be the oddest built man with no home run power. Keep your head up, Billy, there’s always modeling manssieres. Anyway, this is what I saw yesterday:

Phil Dumatrait – The Pirates announcers said Dumatrit has been their best starter. I agree. And that is by no means an endorsement. Dumatrait is the tallest midget on the staff.

Aaron Harang – What, he couldn’t come back from long relief on three days rest? Well played, Dusty.

Russell Branyan – Homer, two walks, strikeout. Branyan masturbates to Jack Cust who masturbates to Jim Thome. The circle of life continues.

Paul LoDuca/Chad Cordero – They got into the Nats game yesterday. In the announcing booth. They were better than Sutton.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Had a home run taken away by Ryan Langerhaus. Damn you, lederhosen.

Josh Fogg – Now in Reds rotation. NL Central and Razzballers rejoice.

Lastings Milledge – Stole two bases today. Was promptly picked off when he ran over to high five some fans.

Mark Teixeira – 1 HR and 4 RBI. Nice to see that Chipper is sharing the hooch.

Ryan Zimmerman – Out with a shoulder injury. Recovering from a wrist injury. We recommend that they just amputate the arm, put on a new one, and call him Ryan Zimmerhands.

Curtis Granderson – Jim Leyland announced he will start him more against lefties. He has also extended his curfew to 11PM and no longer handles his diaper rashes as he’s preoccupied with Carlos Guillen at the moment.

Scott Hatteberg – We’re not sure what’s more pathetic – that the Seattle Mariners see him as an upgrade at 1B or that he actually IS an upgrade to Richie Sexson and Jose Vidro.

Ian Stewart – Third straight game starting at 2B. Seems a foregone conclusion he’ll have 2B eligibility by end of the week. If you’ve got a weak 2B or MI, he’s a must pickup right now.

Kevin Slowey – I’ve already mentioned on a few occasions that I like Slowey. Slowey’s the horse, and it’s been beat.

Shannon Stewart – Hit his first home run on the season. Take that, Micah Owings!

Brad Penny – Pitching awful this year. It can’t help that Alyssa Milano is moved on and is playing Who’s the Boss? with Clayton Kershaw. Penny’s consolation prize is playing “Feel my stubble” with Derek Lowe.