Ian Kennedy loves each and everyone. That’s why he gave you 12 Ks yesterday over 8 innings while only allowing one hit. You say, “No, he doesn’t. He doesn’t even know me. How could he love me?” You remember when you couldn’t find a parking spot at Chick-fil-A last week and you were about to give up when a chicken sandwich fell into the flat bed of your El Camino? That was dropped there by Ian Kennedy. So you tell me he doesn’t love you. You tell me he doesn’t love you when he has a sub-3 ERA over 216 innings. Tell me that. A 1.08 WHIP and 194 Ks, he gives you that too, unconditionally. Tell me he judges you when you try to fashion a belt out of twine. He doesn’t judge you. He loves you. Love him back. I do. As for 2012 fantasy baseball, I’m thinking Kennedy could be a tad overpriced. Yeah, my love just went out the window. His BABIP’s a bit low and his LOB% is a bit high. She says she likes the ocean. I’ll look at him more in-depth over the offseason, but he’s got FIPping problems I need evaluate. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Wily Mo Pena – 1-for-1 with 3 walks. He has a career .303 OBP. That’s like an 80 to 1 shot he can avoid making an out in four at-bats. There must be a kid in a Seattle hospital who really cares about OBP. (BTW, his hometown was the winner of the “Best Town To Substitute Into The Lion King Song” contest.)
Mike Carp – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and a homer. Now has two homers in the last three games. The one nice thing about playing for a non-contender at this time of year is the collective you has nothing to play for so players can go out and be selfish to prove their worth. Unlike those silly playoff teams saving their players for games that matter. Please, blog, may I have some more?
What a ridonkulous season from Melky Cabrera. Most of youse didn’t even draft him and here he is in September going 4-for-5 with his 18th homer, raising his average to .303 to go along with 18 steals. As they used to say in 14th century China, “Damn, Ming.” The spilled coffee on the saucer that then drips onto your dress shirt is I don’t trust this guy at all for next year. 18/18/.300 becomes 12/15/.275 very fast. Ask anyone that’s drafted The Big FraGu in the past. And 12/15/.275 is pretty much unusable in most mixed leagues. It’s the first guy off the team when there’s a hot pickup. So enjoy your Melk for now, but don’t throw away the non-dairy creamer. Hmm… That sounded better in my head. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Randy Wells - 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER. If you’re new to the site, you probably have no idea when I say donkeycorn, cyclops with a monocle, Cust kayin’, Sparky Anklebiter or a whole array of other gibberish. But, more importantly for this, you don’t know about my previous love affair with Randy Wells. During my Blue Period, I drank nothing but blueberry milkshakes and talked of nothing but Randy Wells’s eventual turn around. The same mood can also be found in some of my early Jeremy Guthrie posts. Then Randy Wells started pitching well recently. I grew excited. Not in that way. Then I thought about picking him up. Luckily, I didn’t. He’s the devil. Please, blog, may I have some more?
On September 7th, Kyle Farnsworth entered a 4-3 game like he had so many times before. No one knows how many times because no one’s bothered to look, or at least no one I’ve come across. This September game was played during the day in Tampa with the temperature listed as: Indoors. When the mercury first hit Indoors, many of the fans knew this day was going to be different than all but four previous Rays games. Farnsworth blew the save. Then on September 10th, with the temperature once again “Indoors” — eerie! Please, blog, may I have some more?
This year Doug Fister has been a revelation like a Dorito in the shape of the Virgin Mary telling you it’s time to change your underwear. Mystically, making something out of nothing and turning it into a little something-something. 13 strikeouts yesterday?! Doode has never struck out more than 6 prior to this year. I never thought I’d say this, but I really like Fister and it hurts so good. Sure, I’m pretty easy. Strikeout some guys and I get all googly-eyed, but he now has a 2.64 ERA on the Tigers and a 3.17 ERA on the year with a 1.14 WHIP. Fister?! I hardly knew her! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Beltran – Missed yesterday’s game with food poisoning. You can call him Upchuck Beltran. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jeremy Hellickson threw a complete game yesterday giving up one earned run. Great, tremendous, gremendous! Hey, Rays, take out an ad in Variety for Hellickson for Rookie of the Year. The ad can flaunt a quote from Rays beat writer Roger Mooney saying, “Hellickson is the best rookie pitcher I’ve ever seen!” Rays blogger Jason Collette says, “He’s better than Melissa Leo!” A Tampa Bay area Hooters waitress, “And he’s a good tipper!” Last year, Hellickson threw a 155 2/3 innings. Usual bump from one year to the next for young pitchers is 30 innings. Back in the preseason, Buddy Holly Joe Maddon said Hellickson would be capped at 180 innings. That’s probably give or take five innings. Depending on whether or not Verducci shows up at Hellickson’s final start with disapproving eyes. Right now, Hellickson is sitting at 164 1/3 innings. Probably looking at three more starts for Hellickson. Make sure you keep that in mind in H2H leagues. Oh, and have a good Labor Day. I’ll leave you with this quote, “You’re laborers. You should be laboring. That’s what you get for not having an education.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Francisco Liriano – Unlikely to pitch again this year. If only this news came out in March. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Kevin Gregg was handed his 6th blown save yesterday. He’s tizzerrible. I won’t defend him. Your honor, no questions at this time. I just don’t see the Orioles bothering to switch things up. They’re defeated. Look into their eyes and you see the shadow of Cal Ripken Jr. Please, blog, may I have some more?
This week we’re starting a new weekly column that will be here every Thursday afternoon, it will be all about 2012 fantasy baseball keepers. The column will then move to Friday in the offseason. Since many fantasy baseball keeper leagues don’t decide on their keepers until the start of the new season, I figured I’d go over some fantasy baseball keepers from now until next spring. These aren’t guys that are obviously keepers. You won’t find Braun or Pujols here. These are guys that you might’ve been able to grab in deep leagues and hold onto for next year on the cheap. Who doesn’t love a bargain?! My dead grandmother loved a bargain. Her death and bargains were in no way related. Filene’s Basement was completely acquitted in that case. Though me and Grandpa we believe. We believe…
Mike Stanton is gonna be a Hall of Famer in 25 years. Me, you and the Mayans may not be around to see it, but if a tree falls in the forest does it not make a sound? It does when Stanton bumps into said tree, picks it up and uses it as a toothpick. I was too distracted by drugs, girls and hormones to fully appreciate Frank Thomas coming onto the scene back in 1991. But let’s say I wasn’t, let’s also say I had a webblog back then when they didn’t exist and, finally, let’s say my web admin was Al Gore. I would’ve wrote this, “Instead of Herman, you’re inside Frank Thomas’s head, here’s what you’d see. A cobbler with crooked fingernails and stumpy legs writing on a chalkboard the equation for the perfect swing. You’d also see hitting coach Charley Lau bitching out Yeardley Smith for her outright refusal in letting Frank Thomas eat a whole cow. Finally, you’d see this Hank Azaria guy who might have a big future if I could just hear him and not see him.” And that’s me fabricating me! Stanton’s Frank Thomas without the stupid walks (no offense to real baseball) and it’s not like he can’t take a walk, but what he does is mollywhop with his pony sticks. He could hit 40 homers with ten steals as early as next year. The average may stay in the .260 to .280 range, but whatever. Next year, he’ll only be 22 years old. For keepers, that’s a slam dunk. Whether it’s 2012 fantasy baseball, 2013 fantasy baseball or 1991 fantasy baseball. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Took a few years, but the Twins found out that youth is wasted on the Young as they sang, “May You Stay (Away) Forever, Young.” Yesterday, the Detroit Tigers became the first club to acquire both Meat Hooks. A distinction that I’m not sure other clubs wanted. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Derrek Lee went 2-for-4 with 3 RBIs and two homers as he continues to get medieval on pitching, which isn’t an old crack, though it could be. I appreciate the Pirates trying to make moves at the trading deadline, but their moves were kinda of the “We’re gonna make moves so it seems like we’re doing something, but we’re just gonna grab guys like Ludwick” variety. No one really thinks Ludwick and Lee were the vital pieces, right? As for the Indians, I thought they’d go the Ludwick-type trade route too, but they actually made much stronger moves. No, this doesn’t have much to do with fantasy, but we do still actually watch baseball, right? It’s not just a game played between the fantasy lines on your computer screen, is it? Now to begin the slideshow — sorry, thought I was writing that crizzap for Bleacher Report. What a POS content farm. Seriously, if I ever see Bleacher Report hanging out with eHow one night after a few daiquiris, it could get ugly. Wow, that was a huge aside. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Ed Wade’s Toupee has made it clear that he’s trying to move Hunter Pence in a trade. Why would the Astros want to hold onto their best player? He just gives his fans false hope. False hope is worst than no hope. See every movie John Singleton’s done since Boyz n the Hood for examples of what hope can do to you. Awesome, the guy who did Boyz n the Hood is gonna remake Shaft. No, not awesome. Terrible. Thanks a lot, false hope! Speculation has Pence going to Atlanta, Philly or the Red Sox. Speculation has me excited to own Pence. Shoot, speculation sounds like salvation for Pence. If Pence were a car, I’d put on him a bumper sticker, “Anywhere but Houston.” His RBIs haven’t suffered as much as you might think considering where he is, but it can only get better. And his runs, his lineup protection, potentially his ballpark. I like it. It’s a win-win-maybe win scenario. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Kosuke Fukudome – The Indians acquired the Japanese OF to help fill the void left by Korean OF Shin-Soo Choo. Hopefully Fukudome doesn’t get hurt or else they may bring in a Taiwanese Little Leaguer. Please, blog, may I have some more?