Fantasy Baseball Advice

It feels like yesterday that the baseball regular season started.  We frolicked, hand in hand, through the season.  You stopped to pick a flower and I said, “That dandelion looks like a French impressionist painting that you can see up close.”  Then we giggled and blew the parachute off its stalk.  Today, the parachute lands and I’m sad.  The regular season is done.  As an action movie sidekick once said right before he was about to be killed, “NOOOO!!!”  There’s a cure for the post-baseball season blues — recapping the preseason top twenty lists and being hand fed Doritos. First up, Cool Ranch and our Preseason Top 20 Catchers for 2009. It’s important to look back before we look ahead to 2010.  Tell ‘em, B-Real, “How do you know where you’re going if you don’t know where you’ve been? Understand where I’m coming from?”  The top 20 lists are ranked according to ESPN Player Rater.  It may not be wholly accurate, but it’s wholly unbiased.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 catchers for 2009 fantasy baseball and how they compared to where I originally ranked them:

1. Joe Mauer – I was reading from The Book of Right-On by Joanna Newsom (<–reference for our two girl readers.  Hey, ladies!) about all of Mauer’s numbers, except the homers.  For his power, I was dead wrong.  If I could have E.G. Marshall come to my defense, he’d say no one predicted more than 15 homers for Mauer.  I was still wrong.  Dead.  Flippin’.  Wrong.  Preseason Rank #3, 2009 Projections:  95/12/80/.320/3, Final Numbers:  94/28/96/.365/4

2. Pablo Sandoval – He wasn’t ranked in ESPN’s Player Rater at catcher because of eligibility requirements, but I ranked him as a catcher in the preseason, so the Kung Fu Panda gets a bye.  In the preseason, I said, “I have his 2009 projections as 60/14/65/.300.  I think he can get to 17+ home runs without losing anything on the average side.  He’s not as appealing to me as a 3rd baseman or a swimsuit model.”  I was half right, he would’ve made a decent 3rd baseman too.  I’ll miss Sandoval in the catchers slot next year.  Preseason Rank #13, 2009 Projections:  60/14/65/.300, Final Numbers:  79/25/90/.330/5

3. Victor Martinez – I know you’ve abused your body with booze and babes for the last six months, but if you can remember back to the preseason, Martinez was risky coming into 2009 after a fakakta 2008.  He put those fears behind him and, with a little help from a trade to Sam Horn Nation, had a productive 2009.  Preseason Rank #4, 2009 Projections:  65/18/95/.300, Final Numbers:  88/23/108/.303/1

4. Brian McCann -  He’ll probably be my number one catcher again next year.  How’s that for being obstinate?  How’s that for knowing what obstinate means?  Can I get a Roget’s up in this mug?  Preseason Rank #1, 2009 Projections:  75/25/95/.295, Final Numbers: 63/21/94/.281/4

5. Kurt Suzuki – At number five, we enter a group of catchers that were probably passed around in your league like blow at an Eric Dane/Rebecca Gayheart clam bake.  I think the fact that Suzuki is ranked this high proves the point better than I could ever about not paying for catchers.  Also, most of these guys were unranked, because, frankly, they weren’t even drafted.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  74/15/88/.274/8

6. Jorge Posada – I didn’t think he had another productive season in him.  Obviously, The Jet Stream thought different.  If only Bobby Meacham had a chance to play in that wind tunnel, he could’ve broke double digits for his career.  Preseason Rank #12, 2009 Projections:  55/12/65/.270, Final Numbers:  55/22/81/.285/1

7. Miguel Montero – Probably the best waiver wire claim for any catcher this year.  In my mind, Montero was more valuable than Suzuki even though he ranks above him.  If you agree, then we may share a mind.  Weird!  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  61/16/59/.294/1

8. A.J. Pierzynski – Jesus Colome, is Pierzynski really this high on the catchers list?  What a terrible year for catchers.  I’d prefer a bunch of names below A.J. — Napoli, Olivo, Inge and even a Flying Molina Brother.  Can we just allow steroids for catchers?  C’mon, it wouldn’t be that bad.  Put the squatters on equal footing with the rest of the league.  Pierzynski is also the number one reason why you don’t draft catchers until the end of your draft.  They’re all so similar you could have easily had any number of guys below in the final rounds of your draft or off waivers and you would’ve done just fine.  Preseason Rank #20, 2009 Projections:  Yuck/Blah/I Feel Sick/.280, Final Numbers:  57/13/49/.300/1

9. Mike Napoli – With the amount of questions I fielded this year about dropping Napoli, you would think he wouldn’t have even made the top 20, let alone the top 10.  He’s the number one example why you should Ron Popeil your catcher and, “Set it and Forget It.”  Preseason Rank #9, 2009 Projections:  55/23/65/.245/7, Final Numbers:  60/20/56/.272/3

10. Bengie Molina – I would’ve preferred this Flying Molina Brother a lot more than the one below.  Actually, I wouldn’t have owned the Yadier version.  Preseason Rank #10, 2009 Projections:  50/15/70/.275, Final Numbers:  52/20/80/.265

11. Yadier Molina – Here’s a good example of the poor catcher numbers this year.  I ranked Yadier 19th overall with numbers that aren’t that far off from where he ended up, but he ranks 11th here with terrible RBIs and Runs.  Preseason Rank #19, 2009 Projections:  35/7/50/.270, Final Numbers:  45/6/54/.293/9

12. Brandon Inge – In the first half of the season, Inge was on a binge.  In the 2nd half, Inge was on the fringe.   Sandoval knocks on my office window, “Did someone say open fridge?”  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  71/27/84/.230/2

13. Miguel Olivo – Two good months gets you 13th on the top 20 catcher rankings.  In an interesting aside to me and maybe three other readers, Olivo and John Buck combined for 31 homers and 101 RBIs.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  51/23/65/.249/5

14. Russell Martin – Kinda shows you how awful Martin’s season was with the company he’s keeping on this list.  Here’s a juicy nugget I said back in February, “I don’t want to have anything to do with a catcher who gives you value because of some schmohawkian steals.  You’d be surprised at how fast a 13/18 catcher can become a 12/7 catcher. You really want to draft Placido Polanco in the fourth round as your catcher?”  And that’s me quoting me!  Preseason Rank #5, 2009 Projections:  95/15/70/.285/10, Final Numbers:  63/7/53/.250/11

15. John Baker – I have a feeling that Baker might be overrated next year.  Not sure why, just a gut call. (<–helpful, but less provocative than a booty call) Baker was decent for stretches of the season, but he still has very little power, no speed and not a great average.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  59/9/50/.271

16. Matt Wieters - In fairness to me, I projected Wieters’s 2009 stats in January way before I had any clue when he’d be called up.  He disappointed for most of the year, but his September (13/3/14/.362) gives hope that the hype should indeed be believed.  I’m a little giddy to draft him next year, which probably means others are a lot giddy and I won’t get him.  Preseason Rank #21, 2009 Projections:  50/17/60/.290 or the minors, Final Numbers:  35/9/43/.288

17. Rod Barajas – An August when he hit 7 homers and batted .225 pushed him onto this list.  Yes, that was his good month.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  43/19/71/.226/1

18. Ivan Rodriguez – Man, the catchers are terrible this year.  This stunod I wouldn’t have owned in a 20 team league that only used catchers that were traded from the Astros to the Rangers mid-season. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  55/10/47/.249/1

19. Chris Iannetta – Here’s one of the problems with the ESPN Player Rater.  Iannetta wasn’t that terrible.  Okay, he wasn’t that good either.  But his average drags him down a lot.  A terrible average on a catcher is bearable because of how few ABs they get.  See Miguel Olivo for further illustration of this point.  Preseason Rank #7, 2009 Projections:  55/19/70/.265, Final Numbers:  41/16/52/.228

20. Carlos Ruiz – He had 11 April ABs and he made the top 20.  Yikes.  Guess that’s the perfect way to end a terrible year at the catching position.  Ladies and gentlemen, your 20th ranked catcher, Carlos Ruiz.  Belch.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  Do you care?  Final Numbers:  Not good, friends.

David Wright was released from the hospital yesterday after tests showed that he was okay from Saturday’s beaning.  When he first went down, the Mets had some serious concerns when Wright couldn’t answer straightforward questions like, “Who’s our starting shortstop?” “Who plays 1st?”  “Who’s the shirtless guy hiding in Jerry Manual’s locker?”  Wright might be out for the season.  Probably be the best thing that could happen to his fantasy owners.  The wait for his power to return can finally end.  Though I wouldn’t drop him in one year leagues until it’s official he’s not returning, unless room on your DL is spare.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Nick Johnson – Left with a hamstring injury.  He seemed to be in good spirits after the game, smiling in locker room pictures.

Nate McLouth – McLousy’s out for a few days after aggravating his hamstring injury and his fantasy owners.

Luke Scott – HR yesterday.  He credits the homer to finally feeling better from the flu.  I guess he had the dreaded 1,700 Hour Flu.

Nick Markakis – Sparkakis!  He now has 14 homers on the year.  He needs ten more to get in my good graces.  Chucking in seven steals along the way wouldn’t hurt either.  Yes, it’s a pipe dream, but it’s my pipe dream.

Erick Aybar – 3-for-6, 2 Runs, 3 RBIs and 2 steals.  Since the All-Star Break, there’s been few MI schmohawks to fill a line like EA – get in the game!

Mike Napoli – The Angels scored 17 runs, Napoli went 1-for-6 with 1 RBI.  Ticker Tease!

Torii Hunter – Returned to the lineup and went 2-for-6 with 2 RBIs, while batting sixth.  Might take him a few days to a week before he’s moved back up the order.  Then again, we’re talking about Scioscia.

Chone Figgins – 4-for-7, 3 Runs, 3 RBIs and a steal.  Who is this Angels offense?  The 1985 Cardinals?

Carlos Gonzalez – 2 HRs yesterday.  How about you give me your password and I’ll pick him up?

Chris Coghlan – 5-for-10 in the doubleheader with a HR yesterday.  Yesterday was a good day for Friday’s Buy guys.

Aaron Cook – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER. About a week ago, turf toe sidelined him.  This start makes me think he’s not completely over it.  I wouldn’t start him anywhere until we see a decent game.  Then again, most of you probably don’t start him anywhere anyway.

Roy Oswalt – 6 IP, 5 ER.  Speaking of pitchers who just don’t seem right.

Hunter Pence – Homers now in back-to-back games.  Love to see him explode in the final month-plus like a Spinal Tap drummer.

Julio Borbon – 4 steals on Saturday, 2-for-3 on Sunday.  He’ll be leading off for the next week vs. righties until Cruz returns.  If you need steals, grab him now.  There’s no time for this Borbon to age.  Oofa!

Junichi Tazawa – 5 IP, 4 ER.  I told you my trepidation on Tazawa in Friday’s Buy/Sell.  And that’s me alluding to me!

Grady Sizemore – HR and steal yesterday as he went 2-for-4.  Since the All-Star Break, he has 4 homers and two steals.  I really wish the Indians would just shut him down so I have no reservations about drafting him next year.  (1 Pun Point for Grey.)

Taylor Teagarden/Kelly Shoppach – HR for each yesterday as The Catchers That Had Everyone Caca-Cuckoo In 2008 rise again.

Colby Rasmus – HR yesterday.  In his short time in the majors, Colby has shown himself to be hella streaky.  (Hella’s for the 18-35 males.)  Right now, Colby is hella hot.  If you need OF help, get’m while they’re hot.

Ryan Howard – 2 HRs yesterday.  For one of my teams, I hope he goes on one of his 10 homer month tears.  For a different team where I don’t own him, I hope he tanks.  Only Natalie Imbruglia knows how I feel.

Brad Lidge – When a manager brings a closer in for a one out save, it’s called kid gloves.

Rafael Soriano – Figured out a way to explain his recent gopher ball troubles, he says he’s dealing with shoulder problems.   I still maintain he’s going to lose save opps in the near future.

Clayton Richard – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, but 12 baserunners as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post.  But he’s a HodgePadre and shouldn’t have been started in this game anyway.  But II, The Return of But:  He threw so many walks and he gets the same team next time at Petco (Cards) that I probably won’t start him there in most leagues.

Joba Chamberlain – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners vs. the Mariners.  Potatoes to chips, I like the way the Yankees are babying him this year (skipping him and whatnot), but I like it for next year.  For this year, it’s not helping his value when he’s skipped then throws a bucket of fake puke over the movie theater balcony.

Rajai Davis – Stole his third base in four games yesterday.  How is he owned in only 17.5% of ESPN leagues?  I know 75% of ESPN leagues are abandoned, but still.  He should be owned everywhere.

Adrian Gonzalez – 4-for-5, HR yesterday.  I wonder if Adrian calls up other teams pretending to be Kevin Towers and tries to trade himself.

Randy Wolf – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 Ks.  And he hit a homer or as frequent commenter, Steve, said, “Wolfman jack!”

Josh Willingham – HR yesterday, 3 RBIs and offered all of his green M&M’s to sweeten the Nats deal for Strasburg.

Geoff Blum – Hit his ninth homer yesterday.  Here’s something to blow your mind.  Geoff Blum’s power > Vladimir Guerrero’s power.  Want more?  Geoff Blum’s power > David Wright’s power.

Yesterday, I went over the top 100 for fantasy baseball in the 2nd half.  Today, I’ll look at some 2nd half hitters who should be better than they were in the first half.  To come up with this list, I scoured the last three years of post-All-Star Break numbers, ran it through a supercomputer that’s bigger than your Peugeot, pasted the supercomputer-generated names to my shirt like dollar bills on a wedding dress then went to a palm reader to help me pick ten names out of the thousands.  The palm reader’s name was Erica Karabell.  Tomorrow, I’ll go over the fantasy baseball pitchers who have been notoriously stronger in the 2nd half.  Anyway, here’s the best 2nd half fantasy baseball hitters for 2009:

Mike Napoli – Last year, he led the United States and Canada in OPS after the break for hitters with more than 100 ABs.  Vlad the ‘97 Impaler and Torii are both hurting, which will help Napoli see more time.

Alex Rodriguez – Everyone’s favorite frosted hair 3rd baseman.  Hit 24 homers in 263 ABs in the 2007 2nd half.  Hit 16 homers in 2008.

Jimmy Rollins – In 2007, he swiped 26 bags in the 2nd half.  Last year, Rollins had the third most steals in the 2nd half (23) behind only Taveras and Reyes.

Carlos Pena – 26 homers in 2007’s 2nd half.  17 homers in the 2nd half last year.  This year I say he hits 15 to give him 39 for the year.  Why?  Cause Pena seems like a 39 homer guy.  Yes, it’s that scientific.

Pat Burrell – In the first half of 2007, Burrell looked done — hitting .215 and only 11 homers.  In the 2nd half, he hit 19 homers and .295.  There’s very few cheap outfielders that can hit 20 homers in the 2nd half.  Burrell’s one.  And as any girl from the University of Miami in the late 90s will tell you, whereever Burrell is, Huff’s not far behind…

Aubrey Huff – Hey, it’s Pat the Bat’s fingercuff partner.  In 2007 and 2008, Huff had a .686 and .875 OPS in the 1st half, respectively.  Then .897 and .964 in the 2nd half.

Alex Rios – Did you know that after Pujols Rios hit the most extra base hits in the 2nd half last year?  Stephen Drew (<– Bonus name!) was third.  Both in front of Manny’s crazy, hormonal-fueled 2nd half.

Luke Scott – Career pre-All-Star break numbers .241/.329/.461 — Post-All-Star break numbers .299/.386/.558.  I see it now, next March someone in the comments is going to say, “I’m punting outfielders and taking Luke Scott late.  I’m awesome!!!”

Ty Wigginton – Honestly, not even sure if he’ll get playing time.  So I’m not saying trade for him, but if he’s on waivers, play close attention.  In the last three seasons, his 2nd half OPSs have been .990, .841 and .915, respectively.

Adam LaRoche – What’s Dusty Baker without a 1st base, 3rd base, hitting, pitching and bench coach?  What would a list of post-All-Star break hitters be without Adam LaRoche?  Nada, nada, nada damn thing…

Jay Bruce owners got their first bit of good news from him as he fractured his wrist.  This is like when you’re in a terrible relationship that you can’t get out of because you’re scared to be alone, then the other person comes home and says they’re leaving you.  In 12 teams or shallower and non-keeper leagues, I’d remove Jay Bruce from the salamander and chuck him.  Even if he comes back, he wasn’t hitting when his wrist bone was connected to his forearm bone.  As for keepers, I thought Bruce would be a good sleeper candidate for next year.  Now with the nature of his injury, I’m not so sure.  If he needs surgery, it’ll be a much longer process. (When this post went to the (Word)presses, they weren’t sure if Bruce needed surgery.)  To go out on a limb — something Bruce can’t do so well right now — I’m calling Jay Bruce a top fantasy sleeper for 2011 — when we’ll all be taking flying cars to our draft.  Chris Dickerson, who had the start and a steal yesterday, gets an added boost as he’ll see time against righties.  That’s until Dusty grows bored of him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tim Stauffer – 7 IP, 2 ER on Saturday vs. the Giants.  He’s the newest HodgePadre.

Jonathan Sanchez – Last no-hitter for the Giants was John Montefusco.  Before picking up Sanchez, think about everyone that picked up Montefusco after his no-hitter.  (Okay, there was no such thing as fantasy baseball when Montefusco pitched his, but I think you get my point.)  If Sanchez had pitched a two-hitter instead of a no-hitter, would you even be considering him?  Things that make you say hmm…

Barry Zito – 4 1/3 IP, 9 ER.  As the BBWAA hold a caucus at the All-Star Game about giving Zito’s Cy Young to Pedro Martinez.

John Bowker – 2-for-4, HR yesterday.  I promise this is my last Giants player blurb.  Bochy is supposedly going to play Bowker every day.  Bowker’s proven more than capable in the minors.  This year’s Triple-A numbers are 63/17/63/.347/10 with more walks than strikeouts.  In NL-Only leagues, you should absolutely grab him.  In mixed leagues, I’d wait a few unless you’re absolutely hurting for power.

Jack Hannahan – Joel Hanrahan’s half-brother was traded to the Seattle Mariners.  You may ask yourself, why do I need to know this?  You don’t.  And the days go by, water flowing underground…

Jeff Francoeur – Traded to the Mets for Ryan Church.  Maybe the change of scenery is all he needed, but for right now I still think Frenchy’s *pinkie to mouth* toast.

Marc Rzepczynski – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 Ks, 3 walks.  Surprisingly, you can spell Rzepczynski without two BBs, but he can’t pitch without them.

Ryan Church – The recession is hitting everyone, and now the Braves will only carry left-handed scissors.  I wouldn’t bother with Church, except on short schedule days when you’re just playing matchups.

James Shields – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 2 Ks.  Why can’t he hold a damn lead?  Seriously.  What the eff?  And two Ks?  Who are you, Joel Pineiro?

Brett Anderson – Left after four innings because his back stiffened up.  A’s are saying he should be fine and Steven Tyler’s saying he’ll be F-I-N-E.

Brandon Inge – 2 HRs yesterday, now has 21 on the year.  I guess 35 homers from your catcher slot bores you.

Josh Whitesell – Tony Clark’s release means two things.  1) Josh Whitesell should get the call-up.  He’s a decent flier in NL-Only play.  2) The Diamondbacks are now without a center for their pickup basketball games.

Ryan Ludwick – 5-for-9 in the doubleheader and 2 HRs, then robotically walked onto the field saying, “I must kill the Queen.”

Joe Mauer – 0-for-5 as the Twins scored 13.  Ticker Tease!

Brooks Conrad – HR yesterday.  Has 2 homers since his callup.  He’s a poor man’s Dan Uggla.  Has some modest pop, no average and Bobby Cox seems content to play him.

Manny Acta – Fired as Nats manager.  Guess you can’t fire a whole franchise.

Mike Napoli – HR on Saturday as he plays every day at DH while Vlad figures out why he has Andre Dawson’s knees.

Clay Buchholz – Will start Friday, but the Sawx plan on sending him down right afterwards.  I believe them.

Josh Beckett – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 Ks, only 3 baserunners for his 11th win.  He was my preseason AL Cy Young prediction.  At the break, picks don’t look awful.  (Just ignore any mention of Alfonso Soriano.)

Garrett Jones – Hit his 5th homer yesterday.  That’s his fifth homer in 11 games.  That includes a three homer weekend.  He also has 3 steals while batting .310.  What else is in Garrett Jones’s locker?  He bats third and there’s really no one on the Pirates to challenge him for that spot if he hits…. Or even if he doesn’t hit.

Ryan Doumit – Returned from the DL.  People are clamoring for Doumit like he’s going to save their team.  Last year was the outlier.  He’s worth a flier because he’s a catcher, but he may only hit 7 homers with a .260 average the rest of the way.  Not to mention, he’s injury-prone.

J.P. Howell – 1 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  Kazaam!

Yovani Gallardo – 5 IP, 5 ER.  Has now thrown 9 walks in the last 10 innings.  As I pointed out a few weeks ago, he’s been pitching closer to a 4 ERA than a 3.  Trust me, I’m not thrilled either.

Clayton Kershaw – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, 5 walks.  Over the course of 99 and 2/3 innings this year, he’s issued 59 walks.  Okay, hotshot, how many more hits than walks has he given up?  A) 1-10 B) 11-20 C) 21-30 D) None of the Above E) Colonel Mustard.  If you guessed A, you looked up his stats pretty quick, cheater.  He’s given up 9 more hits than walks.  I don’t feel like doing the research, but has anyone in the history of baseball ever thrown more than 100 innings and had less than 10 more walks than hits while maintaining a sub-3.50 ERA?  Betcha Jayson Stark or some doode wearing a bow tie at Elias Sports Bureau knows.

In a tie game, Cito Gaston brought in his closer, Scott Downs, to work the bottom of the ninth.  Downs did that, then the Blue Jays scored five runs in the top of the 10th.  So with the game in the bag, Gaston removed Downs for a pinch hitter, right?  Nah, that’s what a normal person operating heavy machinery would’ve done.  Gaston let Downs hit.  Okay, so he told Downs to take three strikes, right?  No point in swinging up by five, right?  Nah, you’re thinking too logical here.  Downs grounded out to shortstop, injurying himself on the way to first.  If I were Downs, I’d rip Gaston a new one on his LinkedIn profile.  Jason Frasor or B.J. Ryan gets dibs on the closer job if Downs goes to the DL.  Probably Frasor, but knowing the fascination the Jays have with Ryan getting the job back, I’m not sure.  Ryan has pitched 5 scoreless in June.  I grabbed them both where I could.  Thankfully, Downs beat gout in like three days two years ago, so hopefully he can bounce right back.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Joey Votto – He took batting practice yesterday and is only days away now.  We shall see, assuming we’re not dizzy.

CC Sabathia – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Only blemish was a gopher ball to Anderson Hernandez, but there’s no shame in that.  Hernandez already had one homer back in 2006.

Robinson Cano – 4-for-4 with two ribbies.  BTW, if you owned a major league team, wouldn’t you serve ribbies?

Chris Young – Headed to the Disgraceful List.  I wonder (aloud as it were) if the Padres will promote Mat Latos (No, that’s not an island in Indonesia).  As the Old Dirty Bastard once said, Latos is raw, but he does have 34 Ks in 28 innings in Double A.

Wandy Rodriguez – 4 IP, 6 ER.  Ouch… Sorry, what?  Ouch… Wandy, stop taking without asking.

Nick Markakis – Sparkakis!

Chris Volstad – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  This was a terrible matchup.  Some guys you just need to bench against American League teams.  I’m looking at you, Wandy.

Yovani Gallardo – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 Ks, 11 baserunners.  I’ll be gladardo when he’s back to facing weak National League teams too.

Casey McGehee – Before leaving the game with knee soreness, he went 0-for-4, which is not good enough for me and my Casey McGehee.

Mike MacDougal – A closer used in non-save situation would be a Kazaam!, but, well, MacDougal entered a non-save situation in the 8th inning.  Right now I believe Acta is treating his managing like Seniors in the last semester of High School.  He’s gonna be gone soon, doesn’t really matter what he does.

Jayson Werth – HR yesterday.  For full disclosure, I don’t own Werth in any league, so I wasn’t sure what he was currently doing.  He’s 10/10/.261.  This is exactly his *pinkie to mouth* worth.  20/20, .260 to .275, 100 Runs, 90 RBIs.  Bingo-bango!

Felix Hernandez – Two hitter.  Then there’s the AL pitchers who get to face NL teams.  Ah, yes, F-Her and the Padres. (Welcome, Googlers who were looking for info on that Miami priest.)

Dallas Braden – 6 IP, 2 ER.  Okay, Peavy is going to miss about 20 starts so this is one decent filled in start.  Only 19 more to go.

Jed Lowrie – Out on a rehab assignment and, barring any setbacks, could be a week or two away.  I have him stashed in a deep league. He’ll be put right back into the starting spot when he returns.

John Smoltz – Will return on Thursday to face the Nats.  I’d like to see Glavine and Maddux show up at the game wearing Nats jerseys.

David Ortiz – Hit another homer.  I haven’t seen any of homers this year, but this is the scene I’m picturing.  Count goes to 0-2… The ump takes Ortiz’s arm and lifts it.  Right before his arm falls back down, which will signal that he’s done, he reaches into his trunks and pulls out his eyedrops.  Drop in each eye as the crowd goes crazy.  Boom!  Home run as The Iron Shiek wonders how he got pinned.

Sean O’Sullivan – 7 IP, 1 ER.  Terrific debut for the Angels pitcher.  If you pick him up, you’re an O’Sucker.

Maicer Izturis – Yesterday, he hit his first homer in over a year.  So sick of taking DNPs from Julio Lugo in one deep league that I grabbed Izturis for one game.  Maicer!  What goes on?  Maicer!

Mike Napoli – 4-for-5, 9th homer and 3 RBIs.  About the catcher position, Ron Popeil says, “Set it and forget it.”

Joe Mauer – 4-for-4 and batting .429 on the year with 13 homers.  That would’ve been a good season for some guys.  Ty Cobb, for instance.

Ian Kinsler – 2 HRs.  You’ll take his 130 games and like it.

David Murphy – HR yesterday.  Sonavabench!  Murphy, you’re not even supposed to be starting against lefties.  What are you doing to me?  Why do bring agita to Grey?

Frank Francisco – After throwing yesterday, he said he felt like, “Money.”  If you’re not sure if that’s good or bad in a recession, it’s good.  He’ll be back in less than two weeks.

Jorge De La Rosa – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  To think at one time he seemed usable.  Rosa de la muertes.

Gil Meche – Shutout and he gets the Cards next.  Thank you, come again.

Mark Teahen – 3-for-4 night and batting .412 in his last 7 with a homer and a steal.  He’s batting 8th.  Callaspo and his .300 average?  7th.   Meanwhile, DeJesus bats 1st with a .240 average.  Can someone turn Trey Hillman’s lineup card upside down?

Nyjer Morgan – First homer since 2007, check him for eyedrops!

Justin Verlander – 4 IP, 5 ER vs. the Cards.  Wha’ happened?  This was a gimme.  Hopefully this isn’t like Groundhog’s Day with Verlander seeing Pujols’s shadow and now there’s going to be another two weeks of April starts.

Ben Zobrist – Did The Amazing Zobrist make another ball disappear?  Let me ask you this, did the Rays play?

Mike Hampton – To the DL with a strained groin.  This’ll hurt those leagues that only use Astros pitchers whose last name start with Hampton.

Ivan Rodriguez – HR yesterday as he tied the most games caught record.  In related news, Sammy Sosa was busted for a PED.  I think my 1998 Fantasy Baseball title now has an asterisk.