Mike Lowell

Grey

The Kemperor Strikes Back

| Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell | 224 Comments

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Matt Kemp doesn’t seem like he cares.  Well, about anything outside of protecting Rihanna’s honor and piercings.  I don’t blame him.  The GM questions his defense.  The manager plays Jay Gibbons over him.  Andre Ethier gets all the cool pink shirts.  Manny was recently overheard saying, “What does a man have to do to get a cool pink shirt up in this mug?!”  I contemplated not going with Kemp for this lead because it’s past a lot of people’s trade deadlines.  If it’s past your deadline, skip down to the Buy section, there will be plenty of schmohawks to grab off waivers.  If it’s not past your deadline, there’s few top players whose value is lower than Matt Kemp right now.  Kemp’s owners right now are having flashbacks to last season when he was batting behind the pitcher.  Torre’s a Sciosciapath with Kemp, his owners know it.  So, step one for value is achieved, Kemp’s price tag is cheaper than his value.  Could Kemp continue to suck on the suckhole for the rest of the year?  I suppose, loyal Razzball reader.  But he’s also capable of a 7+ homer, 5+ steal month and there’s not a lot of guys that can say that, especially at his current price.  Anyway, here’s more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Hisabobby Takafelicianell – No relation to Zoey Deschanel, if anyone was wondering.  This shituation would be clearer if we only had some idea who setup K-Rod in the Family Lunge.  Did Parnell help setup the in-law with a stomach punch or nipple twist?  Did Feliciano come in with a left hook?  Did R.A.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

You Can’t Spell K-Rod Without KO

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 185 Comments

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Francisco Rodriguez was arrested for assaulting his father-in-law.  That’s going to make for awkward holidays.  Or maybe they’ll skip Christmas and celebrate Boxing Day.  Fred Wilpon needs to put some rubber bands in his beard and get K-Rod and Tony “Shirtless” Bernazard into the squared circle.  During the fight, Johan was seen comforting K-Rod’s wife.  Johan, “She was looking for the changeup, and I went with the heater.”  K-Rod will probably miss a few games while he responds to attorney emails.  Oddly enough, K-Rod isn’t the easiest guy to handcuff.  His backups in no particular order:  Bobby Parnell, who I believe is the little black kid from Role Models, isn’t very good, Manny Acosta isn’t much better, Elmer Dessens is the guy who sells fresh corn on the side of the road when you’re driving through a rural town and Pedro Feliciano is related to Pedro Feliz, I think.  Frankly, I’d avoid the whole Mets mess.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Miguel Montero – Was a part of a back-to-back-to-back-to-back homer job with Adam LaRoche, Mini Donkey and Stephen Drew as they did work on Bush.  Hey, Googlers of back-to-back + Bush.  Betcha this isn’t the kind of fantasy site you were looking for, was it?  And for those that found us by Googling Donkey + Bush –> I’m kinda skeeved.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Jeremy’s Spoken

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 188 Comments

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Okay, I’m officially in love.  ‘Grey hearts Jeremy Hellickson‘ is going all over the Trapper Keeper.  I’m going to put a paper bag on my Science book and decorate it with Hellickson pictures I find off the internet.  Then if someone says something, I’m going to punch them in their big, fat mouth.  Then while in detention, I’m going to write a song for Jeremy Hellickson and I’m going to get my friends band, The Quadratics, to perform the song at the Sadie Hawkins Dance.  That’s what I’m going to do.  His line yesterday 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks in only 86 pitches.  His line last time nearly as good.  His line tomorrow?  The moon!  Though he’s not pitching tomorrow, but, if he were, he’d have the moon.  I’d grab Hellickson in all leagues.  He has a nice K-rate and solid control.  A terrific combo.  Could he go out next time and roofie you?  There’s always that chance, but his next start is the Rangers at home and they’re not exactly road scholars.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dan Johnson – 0-for-1, 4 BBs.  He has 3 hits and 11 walks since his call up last week.  He has a .176 average and a .483 OBP.  He’s the one true outcome hitter.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Youk Thumbs Up the Jam

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 231 Comments

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Thumb up the jam, thumb it up!  While your feet are stompin’!  Sorry, hard to stop that once I start.  Kevin Youkilis was placed on the 15-day DL with his jammed thumb.  Thumb up the jam, thumb it up!  Youkilis was diagnosed with a tear of the muscle that helps contract the thumb.  It’s a rare injury.  Hey, maybe they can name it after him.  Careful, brah, you’re gonna give yourself The Youk Thumb!  Sounds like Youk won’t be rating movies anytime soon.  If the injury is exacerbated, it could be career threatening.  DL him for now while you wait for more news, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Youk’s not back for a while, if at all this year.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Lowell – Started at 1st base for the Red Sox and hit a homer.  Last August, Lowell put up 14/5/15/.319 numbers, which is pretty much what you could’ve expected from Youuuuuuuk.  There’s no guarantee Lowell has that month again, but if you’re really hurting for a corner man, there ya go.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

World Famous Original Rays’ Hurt Outfielder

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 132 Comments

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Carl Crawford left yesterday’s game with a sore shoulder.  He first felt discomfort on Wednesday.  In the locker room, here’s how Carl explained it, “You don’t want to feel that pain like that…  I’ve never really had nothing like that before… It locked up real bad.”  Now this sounds terrible, right?  Okay, here’s how Crawford finished, “I think it should be a day-to-day thing.”  Wait, what?  You don’t want to feel pain like that… It locked up real bad… It’s fine.  Oh, okay.  This sounds like when my grandmother would talk about how she can’t see or walk, then she’d go play mah jong.  You don’t need to see, the tiles’ engravings are raised.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Not A Spry Walker, Texas Ranger

| 2010 Fantasy Baseball Draft | 86 Comments

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I’m done waiting for this trade to go official so here’s my unofficial take on Mike Lowell going to the Rangers and Max Ramirez going the other way.  Mike Lowell has one more hip surgery than my grandmother, but she’s dead so it’s an unfair competition.  She would’ve beat you, Mike Lowell!  Why I think the Rangers made this trade, besides obviously feeling the need to singlehandedly make the winter meetings interesting, is because the Rangers want to win.  They can smell the division crown.  They realize no team is winning if their 1st baseman is batting .200 and striking out 300-plus times.  Lowell is their insurance.  If Davis hits, great!  Then Lowell fills in 3 times a week at DH, 1B or 3B and Davis sees 400-450 ABs, remains a sleeper and lives up to his potential.  If Davis doesn’t hit, then Lowell swoops in and plays 4 to 5 days a week at 1st base and Davis goes onto the “When is he playing?” carousel and sees 250 ABs.  Davis, basically, needs to hit.  He’s capable of it.  Now let’s see him do it.  Anyway, here’s some more winter meetings news and their fantasy baseball implications:

Max Ramirez – It only took the Rangers about a year and half but they are finally down to a manageable number of catchers.  (If you wanna read what I said about all of their catchers last year, read how the Rangers thought catching wins championships.  Most of it still applies….

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Top 20 3rd Basemen, 2009 Fantasy Baseball

| 2009 Fantasy Baseball Rankings | 95 Comments

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Catchers, 1st basemen, 2nd basemen and shortstops for 2009 have been accounted for.  Up now, the top 20 3rd basemen for 2009 fantasy baseball.   Lots of surprises in the top 20 for 3rd basemen.  On top, Mini-Donkey, Figgy, Longoria and Kung Fu Panda, which sounds like an anime cartoon that has a 75% chance of giving you a seizure.  (BTW, anyone ever watch anime?  It’s about giant robots that want to be loved.  That shizz is depressing.)  Then when you get to around the halfway mark-o, the drop off is precipitous.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Buy Pork Belly Futures

| Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell | 457 Comments

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Cornerstone, nay, cornerboulder, Prince Fielder is off to another yawnstipating start.  Last year he hit 8 homers through the month of May.  Boca Burgers were blamed last year, but maybe he just can’t swing a bat in cold weather because all he can think about is getting back to his hotel room and putting on his Snuggie.  He’ll only be 25 in May and is still completely capable of 40 HRs on the year.  If you can somehow wrestle Fielder away from an impatient owner, go for it (try a roofie!).  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy and sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Jason Frasor – Newest victim of Scott Downs’ Syndrome?  Maybe.  Or maybe… Downs Goes… Frasor!  Downs Goes… Frasor!

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Top 20 3rd Basemen for 2009 Fantasy Baseball

| 2009 Fantasy Baseball Draft | 20 Comments

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With these top 20 3rd basemen for 2009 fantasy baseball, we finish off the twenty lists for the infield.  From weakest to strongest, the top 20s go top 20 catchers, top 20 shortstops, top 20 2nd basemen, top 20 third basemen then top 20 1st basemen.  The outfielders will be coming up next, and I’m sure they’ll be deeper than all of these lists, but that’s just by virtue of the sheer number of them.  If you want some overall perspective, look at our 2009 Fantasy Baseball Player Rater.  In addition, there’s a list of every player who has multiple position eligibility.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 3rd basemen for 2009 fantasy baseball:

1.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Oye Como Eh

| May's Daily Notes | 60 Comments

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Ok, every season there’s some flat-out surprises, but one I haven’t heard too much about this year is Johan Santana’s fairly subpar performance. This was a guy that everyone and their drunk, Irish mother-in-law told you to draft because Johan Santana was headed for a ’68 Bob Gibsonian season.

Please, blog, may I have some more?