Fantasy Baseball Advice

Matt Kemp doesn’t seem like he cares.  Well, about anything outside of protecting Rihanna’s honor and piercings.  I don’t blame him.  The GM questions his defense.  The manager plays Jay Gibbons over him.  Andre Ethier gets all the cool pink shirts.  Manny was recently overheard saying, “What does a man have to do to get a cool pink shirt up in this mug?!”  I contemplated not going with Kemp for this lead because it’s past a lot of people’s trade deadlines.  If it’s past your deadline, skip down to the Buy section, there will be plenty of schmohawks to grab off waivers.  If it’s not past your deadline, there’s few top players whose value is lower than Matt Kemp right now.  Kemp’s owners right now are having flashbacks to last season when he was batting behind the pitcher.  Torre’s a Sciosciapath with Kemp, his owners know it.  So, step one for value is achieved, Kemp’s price tag is cheaper than his value.  Could Kemp continue to suck on the suckhole for the rest of the year?  I suppose, loyal Razzball reader.  But he’s also capable of a 7+ homer, 5+ steal month and there’s not a lot of guys that can say that, especially at his current price.  Anyway, here’s more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Hisabobby Takafelicianell – No relation to Zoey Deschanel, if anyone was wondering.  This shituation would be clearer if we only had some idea who setup K-Rod in the Family Lunge.  Did Parnell help setup the in-law with a stomach punch or nipple twist?  Did Feliciano come in with a left hook?  Did R.A. Dickey give him a knuckle sandwich?  Hard to know.  I think Hisanori or Feliciano are the best bets going forward.

Aaron Heilman – I wouldn’t even mention him if he were owned in more than 18% of ESPN leagues.  You want saves, you grab Heilman.  That is all.

Michael Wuertz – Another guy I’d own before the Hisabobby mess.

Octavio Dotel – SAGNOF!

Brandon Lyon – The five earned runs the other day still stings in my nether regions.  Or maybe that’s an STD.  Anyhoo!  Lindstrom’s either falling apart or injured.  Grab Lyon for the vultures.

Jeremy Hellickson – I haven’t talked about Hellickson nearly enough.  Not!  Should you pick him up?  Yacht!

Mike Minor – The Minor problem (hehe) is his time in the rotation may be limited.  No problems with his stuff though.

Brandon Morrow – How is he owned in less than 50% of Yahoo and ESPN leagues?  He leads the majors in K-rate.  Get it together, people.

Ryan Raburn – Only a Buy because he has 2nd base eligibility and he’s capable of 15 homers… Sure, that’s in over 400 at-bats.  But that’s .04 homers per at-bat!

Omar Infante – I feel silly constantly recommending a guy I don’t even particularly like myself.  Shoot, only two guys are excited about Infante.  Charlie Manuel and Smash Mouth.  Omar, you’re an All-Star, go to third base, get paid.

Jed Lowrie – Has very little speed and power… He’s kinda like Omar Infante without the hype.  You might be thinking to yourself, “Omar Infante doesn’t have any hype.”  Exactly!  Lowrie is hitting .444 for the last week and has been known to get hot for a month at a time in the later months of the year.  Or for one month, once in his career (August 2008).

Jerry Hairston Jr. – Hitting near .500 over the last week with 3 homers.  It just doesn’t get better than that!  Well, it might, but he’s currently hot.

Mike Lowell – If I saw a contending team pick up Lowell, I’d send them a message, “Hey, you could still win this thing, why are you giving up?”  They’ll respond with a variation of, “Why do you say I’m giving up?”  Me, “Because you picked up Mike Lowell.”  Then within a few days, they’ll drop him.  Even if he’s hitting well.  Lowell’s just one of those players that you pick up and feel like you’re just not trying hard enough.

Carlos Delgado – Once Delgado is called up, the Red Sox are going to have the best 2003 platoon ever.

Pat Burrell – Same category as Lowell, not as good eligibility.  Hopefully the newly-acquired Jose Guillen doesn’t hurt his playing time.  re: Guillen; Good to see Brian Sabean hasn’t lost his flair for the flat-footed vet who should be a DH.  You know who Sabean should acquire to play first?  Big Papi.  Or bring Griffey back to play center.  Or at least platoon with Aaron Rowand.  It’s the mannequin defense.  Most times the defense alignment means moving guys in and out, right and left.  For the Giants outfield, they have to decide if they want to play their fielders with their gloves in the air for a fly ball or on the ground because once the ball is hit there is no time for them to move their arms.  John Dewan heard about the Guillen signing — on top of the recent Burrell signing — and held up his Fielding Bible yelling, “Blasphemer!”

Michael Brantley – Had 46 steals in Triple-A in 2009.  Had 13 steals in only 67 games this year.  If you need more, I’m not sure I can help you.

Ryan Ludwick – I could’ve put Chris Denorfia in this list too, but because of a lot of red tape and legalese I’m not allowed to put three Padre hitters in the Buy section.  (Though you could say I just did mention Denorfia.  Sneaky!)

David Murphy – I’ve been pimping this schmohawk for about a week.  Why, Grey, why so much love? Cause he’s hot, random italicized voice.  Oh, thought there might be more to it. Nope, he’s hitting over .400 in the last week with three homers.  Pretty interesting. Okay, you interject, random italicized voice.  You don’t converse.  Snippy!

SELL

Jason Bay – This obviously isn’t a Sell as much as a Drop, but my OCD doesn’t allow me to change the headings.  Think back when you first drafted Bay.  You convinced yourself that he could hit in Metco and the NL.  You were wrong.  Accept defeat and drop him.  Even if he returns, David Murphy has done more in a week than Bay did all year.

Carlos Beltran – Another one of your Mr. Bungle moves.  Really, at this time of the year, I don’t have patience for underperforming guys.  What’s Beltran suddenly going to be, his 2006 self?  Let’s live in the present.  Currently, Beltran has one homer and is batting .214.  That’s nice… Punt!

Chase Headley – Hey, I was a fan of the sleeper Headley in the preseason, but doode never woke up.  He has 4 homers and 4 steals in his last 200+ ABs.  I just popped a zit in a mirror and the puss spelled out, “Blech.”

Francisco Rodriguez was arrested for assaulting his father-in-law.  That’s going to make for awkward holidays.  Or maybe they’ll skip Christmas and celebrate Boxing Day.  Fred Wilpon needs to put some rubber bands in his beard and get K-Rod and Tony “Shirtless” Bernazard into the squared circle.  During the fight, Johan was seen comforting K-Rod’s wife.  Johan, “She was looking for the changeup, and I went with the heater.”  K-Rod will probably miss a few games while he responds to attorney emails.  Oddly enough, K-Rod isn’t the easiest guy to handcuff.  His backups in no particular order:  Bobby Parnell, who I believe is the little black kid from Role Models, isn’t very good, Manny Acosta isn’t much better, Elmer Dessens is the guy who sells fresh corn on the side of the road when you’re driving through a rural town and Pedro Feliciano is related to Pedro Feliz, I think.  Frankly, I’d avoid the whole Mets mess.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Miguel Montero – Was a part of a back-to-back-to-back-to-back homer job with Adam LaRoche, Mini Donkey and Stephen Drew as they did work on Bush.  Hey, Googlers of back-to-back + Bush.  Betcha this isn’t the kind of fantasy site you were looking for, was it?  And for those that found us by Googling Donkey + Bush –> I’m kinda skeeved.

Daniel Hudson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I picked him up when he was traded into the NL with the expectation that I’d only own him for one start, but I haven’t seen one red flag yet.

Pat Burrell – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in ten games as he bats .357 this month.  It’s Pat the Bat and he’s swinging, ladies.

Andres Torres – 2-for-3 with two steals and has 4 steals in the last week.  He stops hitting homers; he starts stealing bases.  What’s not to love?

Cliff Lee – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks.  The Adverb now has 137 Ks and 9 BBs on the year.  Incredible Lee.

Brandon Lyon – 1 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Why is God punishing me?  Was it the cat I kicked in college?  I was on shrooms and Mr. Wigglenose said, “Freakin’ furball,” but I thought I heard, “I’m a free kickball.”  After the cat landed, we laughed about the confusion.  Mr. Wigglenose forgave me, why want you?!  Why?!

Matt Lindstrom – Will be out for a few days with a sore back, which could turn into a longer absence.  Well, maybe Lyon’s not so bad.  Oh my God, I have a sickness for vulture saves.

Mike Stanton – 5-for-5, 2 Runs, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer.  Next year, you’re not going to be able to get anywhere near Stanton for a reasonable price so enjoy him now while you can.

Logan Morrison – 3-for-4 with 3 Runs.  Hitting .283 and zero homers in his first two weeks in the majors.  It’s okay; there’s time.  Power will come and, unlike Stanton, the average will be fine.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-5 with 2 homers.  Now has 9 homers and 12 steals on the year.  He’s going to end the year around 12 homers and 15 steals and suck me right back in again next year.

Ryan Raburn – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer this week.  Ryan Raburn is soooo valuable– Wait, that’s Gene Raburn.  Raburn’s playing every day, has pop and he should have 2nd base eligibility in your league.  If he doesn’t, fire your commissioner.

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Wandwagon (7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks) as it was Throwback To 2009 Day at The Juice Box.  Hanson hasn’t had a terrible game since June, so it might be a little late for this, but hopefully Hanson drops a few turds the rest of the way so he’s undervalued in 2011 drafts.  Could Hanson be better than Lincecum in 2011?  Discuss amongst yourselves.

Jerry Hairston Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer in the last four games.  These guys don’t stay hot forever, but he’s hot right now.  Hairston was also my pickup for today’s short schedule.

Chris Denorfia – 2-for-3 with a steal.  Now batting .455 over the last week.  Another guy that could go cold any day now, but is hot right now.

Jhoulys Chacin – Potential to start on August 20th, depending on how well Esmil Rogers looks in his next start.  Esmil Rogers said, “Holy chicken mole, this is a lot of pressure.”

Carlos Quentin – 2-for-2 with a homer in his 2nd straight game.  Please stay hot and avoid injury.  That is all.

Brad Bergesen – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Indians.  He strikes out less than 4 batters per 9 innings and he’s on a terrible team in a bad division.  In the offseason, Bergesen was hurt while filming a commercial.  See, he’s not good at pitching, in every sense of the word.

Brian Roberts – 3-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last three games.  May be a surprising contributor for your H2H playoffs.

Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Right now, his line is 17-6/1.99/0.97/158.  Spectacular, even if Larry King and I both want to call him, Adam Wainwright III.

Colby Rasmus – 2-for-5 with a grand slam.  He’s more or less taken a dump since I put him in my Sell column about two months, but Colby’s a Survivor.  I’m going to be pushing hard to own Colby next year, but will have to see where he’s going to be drafted.  Right now, I’d say he’ll be drafted as a 3rd outfielder, but with a hot finish or a crazy Spring Training he could get drafted as a 2nd outfielder and become a bit too expensive.  Though a 30/15 year in 2011 doesn’t seem too far of a stretch.

Chris Carter – 0 for his first 9 in the bigs.  It’s tempting to say screw it and drop him, but I’d give him a week in redraft leagues.

Jon Niese – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I thought he was hitting a wall, but now I think he might’ve just been showing a blip on the radar.  Definitely worth owning again.

Jered Weaver – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks to extend his major league lead in Ks to 182 (in only 163 IP).  All of this while resembling the female gym teacher in your high school.

Clay Buchholz – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, a 2.49 ERA and a Cainian ERA to xFIP difference.

Bill Hall – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs with 2 homers.  Guess how many homers he has on the year.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  *taps finger, scratches head, swigs from a bottle of Night Train*  15 homers!  What?  Is that only insane to me?

Mike Lowell – 3-for-4, a day after hitting a homer.  He’s in a good position to succeed for about a month if his body holds up.

Ross Gload – To the DL with a right groin strain.  Until Howard returns, the area around 1st base will be Sweeney *pinkie to mouth* sod.

Chad Billingsley – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. Roy Oswalt who went 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks as I got the dreaded double sonavabench!

Matt Kemp – Didn’t start again in one of the easiest parks to hit in.  Does Torre think he’s Steve Kemp?  Did Kemp make fun of Torre for picking his nose?  Does Torre keep playing Gibbons as an homage to Jane Goodall?

Okay, I’m officially in love.  ‘Grey hearts Jeremy Hellickson‘ is going all over the Trapper Keeper.  I’m going to put a paper bag on my Science book and decorate it with Hellickson pictures I find off the internet.  Then if someone says something, I’m going to punch them in their big, fat mouth.  Then while in detention, I’m going to write a song for Jeremy Hellickson and I’m going to get my friends band, The Quadratics, to perform the song at the Sadie Hawkins Dance.  That’s what I’m going to do.  His line yesterday 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks in only 86 pitches.  His line last time nearly as good.  His line tomorrow?  The moon!  Though he’s not pitching tomorrow, but, if he were, he’d have the moon.  I’d grab Hellickson in all leagues.  He has a nice K-rate and solid control.  A terrific combo.  Could he go out next time and roofie you?  There’s always that chance, but his next start is the Rangers at home and they’re not exactly road scholars.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dan Johnson – 0-for-1, 4 BBs.  He has 3 hits and 11 walks since his call up last week.  He has a .176 average and a .483 OBP.  He’s the one true outcome hitter.

Andre Ethier – 4-for-4, 4 Runs, 3 RBIs, 2 Turtle doves and one first round pick that didn’t start in a 15 run onslaught only to come in and go 1-for-1 with 2 RBIs while he was on my bench.  Thanks, Matt Kemp.  I hope Jay Gibbons is screwing Rihanna.

Rafael Furcal – Headed to the DL after not playing in over a week.  Don’t these people know us fantasy managers need to DL him?  How inconsiderate.

Mike Lowell – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer since he returned and he looks like he’s 45 years old, but, hey, that’s worked for Big Papi.

Travis Snider – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in five games.  Also, hitting .333 over the last week.  To save you the suspense, I’m going to like Snider again next year (and Lind).  BTW, you ever just want to call them Travis Lind?  Adam Snider?  Maybe it’s me.

Jose Bautista – 1-for-5 with his major league leading 35th homer.  Was nice of Aaron Hill to give Bautista his magical 2009 bat.  Be interesting to see where it’s deeded next.  I vote for John McDonald.

Marc Rzepczynski – Blue Jays announced he would be recalled to start Friday.  At least they’re giving the equipment manager time to put his last name on a jersey.

Johnny Cueto – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks as he took the Cards on in a steel cage match.  He must’ve thought he was Johnny Lawrence.

Geovany Soto – As first reported here after being read elsewhere, Soto heads to the DL with a shoulder sprain.  Cubs are playing down the seriousness of the injury, saying he should(er) be back by late-August.  And he might.  But for a guy who has had shoulder problems in the past, I wouldn’t be surprised to hear about a setback or him just not returning at full strength.

Alfredo Simon – Showalter made the long overdue announcement that Simon will share save opportunities with Mike Gonzalez.  Now we wait for the even longer overdue announcement that Gonzalez will just get all the save chances.

Felix Pie – A 3-run HR in the O’s route of the Indians.  All of a sudden Felix is making things look as easy as Pee-ay – he’s hitting near .400 in August with 2 HRs and 2 SBs.  That’s a good 2 months for Markakis.

Luke Scott – 2-for-5 with… Oh, c’mon, if I’m writing about him, you know what he did for the 4th time in the last ten games.

Matt Wieters – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer.  Could actually see myself owning Wieters next year, assuming he doesn’t get crazy hot in the last month and a half to alert everyone he’s not complete toast.  I apologize to Wieters’ owners for wishing him ill, though I’m probably just reverse jinxing myself anyway, so actually you’re welcome.

Jason Heyward – Day-to-day with a sore knee.  His knee obviously doesn’t own him in fantasy.

Chipper Jones – Likely headed to the DL as Glass Chipper goes for an MRI on his sprained knee.  His knee probably does own him.

Stephen Strasburg – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Nats would’ve been better with Miss Iowa pitching.

Mike Pelfrey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Outdueling Ubaldo is a nice feather in his cap, but I don’t think he’s macaroni.

David Murphy – 2-for-3 with his 3rd homer in the last 6 games as he also ordered the slam & legs.  I don’t wanna beat Secretariat, but Murphy’s hot.

Vladimir Guerrero – 0-for-5 and is the opposite of hot.

Ian Kinsler – Probably won’t return until September.  On the bright side, when you took him in the 2nd round, you could’ve took Sizemore.

Scott Baker – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  It’s bad when that’s a solid game for Baker.

Justin Morneau – Could someone check on him?  Thanks!

Jeff Kartsens – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Has pretty average stuff and a terrible K-rate.  In another life, he could’ve been a hodgepadre.

Jose Tabata – 2-for-4 with his 12th steal in his 52nd game.  He’s also hitting  near .400 in August.

Troy Glaus – 2-for-4 with his first homer in almost two months.  Nice to see him reclaim his body from Zombie Glaus.

Chris Johnson – 3-for-4 and has the best average since the All-Star break.  Cust kayin’.

Matt Lindstrom – Blew the save and has now given up 7 runs in his last three appearances.  Meanwhile back at the Razzball ranch, I’m sporting Brandon Lyon on three different teams.

Sam Demel – Recorded the save because Heilman has pitched a lot recently.  Or maybe Gibson realized Heilman’s terrible.  No, I think it’s the first reason.  I wouldn’t go out and add Demel unless I were really desperate.  Heilman’s still the closer.

Alex Gordon – 0-for-3 and didn’t do much to report, but here’s a solid rant on the Royals from frequent commenter, Terrance Mann, “Yuniesky Betancourt had a baby this weekend and missed the Seattle series.  Gregor Blanco is currently missing time because his wife is expecting any minute.  Hochevar and Gordon are both expecting.  Billy Butler…well, his wife just always looks pregnant.  All these babies make complete sense.  The Royals are all screwing their wives in October and November because they sure as hell aren’t anywhere near a baseball diamond.”

Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 13 Ks and has a 2.81 ERA on the year with 17 decisions.  Unfortunately, he pitches for the M’s and 9 of those decisions are losses.  He has 12 straight quality starts, dating back to June 13th, and only five wins in that time.  He only has three non-quality starts all year.  He just better not blame Figgy or he will kick his ass.

Ryan Ludwick – 2-for-3 with 2 homers.  If you need pop, I wouldn’t be afraid of the new Petco slugger.

Domonic Brown – It took 35 ABs but he got his first career HR.  J-Roll planned on hitting him in the face with a whipped cream pie but couldn’t reach.

Ross Gload – Charlie Manuel is following the Jim Leyland school of lineups and hitting the fill-in 1B in the 3-spot because that’s about where Ryan Howard hits.  Gload made Charlie Manuel look smart today with 2 HR and 4 RBI.  Asked about it after the game, Charlie Manuel said, “If you’re charged with making scrapple, you’ve got to throw your scraps in a pan with potatoes and hope for the best.”

Tim Lincecum – 4 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks with a 3.41 ERA on the year.  Maybe he’d pitch better if he’d stop worrying so much about selling Wendy’s Apple Pecan Chicken Salad.

Thumb up the jam, thumb it up!  While your feet are stompin’!  Sorry, hard to stop that once I start.  Kevin Youkilis was placed on the 15-day DL with his jammed thumb.  Thumb up the jam, thumb it up!  Youkilis was diagnosed with a tear of the muscle that helps contract the thumb.  It’s a rare injury.  Hey, maybe they can name it after him.  Careful, brah, you’re gonna give yourself The Youk Thumb!  Sounds like Youk won’t be rating movies anytime soon.  If the injury is exacerbated, it could be career threatening.  DL him for now while you wait for more news, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Youk’s not back for a while, if at all this year.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Lowell – Started at 1st base for the Red Sox and hit a homer.  Last August, Lowell put up 14/5/15/.319 numbers, which is pretty much what you could’ve expected from Youuuuuuuk.  There’s no guarantee Lowell has that month again, but if you’re really hurting for a corner man, there ya go.

Ryan Kalish – 2-for-3 and now batting .500 since his call-up.  He showed a little bit of everything in the minors this year — 13 homers/25 steals.  The nice thing is he shouldn’t kill you like most rookies because he has a good eye.  Also, he spoiled Perez Hilton’s favorite descriptor for a pitcher who K’s a lot of batters, e.g., “Stephen Strasburg – he’s K-lish!”

Josh Beckett – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks until he was ejected for going after Tackleberry.   Not sure who Red State Jeter was trying to impress but you don’t yell at Shelley Duncan.  He will high five you in your head.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Hallelujahs!  D’Ellsbury is ditching the D and returning.  He’ll be back today.

Ryan Howard – To the DL with sprained ligaments in his left ankle.  Alas, the big man’s out.  Stupid Phillies infield and their stupid infieluenza epidemic.

John Mayberry – Was recalled to take Howard’s place.  He’s about the only one that can fit into Howard’s spot without it looking too big on him.  Mayberry’s a hacker with power.  I’d look at him in NL-Only leagues, but not in mixed leagues until we see how much playing time he gets.

Peter Bourjos – Was called up by the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.  His name makes him sound like he should be a hockey bruiser, right?  Then again, everything I know about hockey I learned from Sega.  Bourjos stole 50 bases in 2008, 32 in 2009 and 27 this year.  The Angels moved Double I to right field for the first time since 1999 to accommodate Bourjos.  You don’t make that move unless you plan on playing the rookie.  Plus, Scioscia loves these types of players.  He’s the anti-Earl Weaver.  If Scioscia could put Reggie Willits at DH without being committed to an insane asylum, he would.  I’d grab Bourjos for the chance for some sweet, sweet SAGNOF!  He could steal 10-15 bases in the last two months and he has the fizzle for some pop.

Yunesky Maya – The Nats signed their number one raftee this past weekend.  Last year, Maya was the runner-up to Aroldis Chapman in Ks but won the Luis Tiant, the Cuban equivalent to the Cy Young.  Maya, a Latin 28, should need very little time to acclimate himself to U.S. ball, given his experience.  He left Cuba with a 2.51 ERA in six years.  You can think of Cuban ball as Triple-A with less capitalism.  Might see Maya in the majors in the next few weeks, depending on how his starts go.  In NL-Only leagues and keepers, I’d grab Maya now while the rest of your league is sleeping.  In mixed, redraft leagues, I’d wait to see how his minor league starts go.

Juan Francisco – Step right up, ladies, I’m giving out all kinds of rookie nookie today.  Francisco looks like he was called up for bench depth since he didn’t start yesterday even with Votto out.  Francisco is a must-own in NL-Only keeper leagues with a 30 homer bat at 3rd base.  Once again, in mixed leagues, we first need to see how much time he gets.

Michael Wuertz – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks as he pitched in the 7th inning of a tie game.  Luckily (if you own Wuertz), Breslow then came in and gave up the winning run.  I’d still hold Wuertz.  That’s what she said!

Mike Leake – 5 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  You guys can find some way to keep in touch without you owning him.  Exchange emails or friend him on Facebook.

Joel Hanrahan – Got the save as Meek threw in the 7th and 8th inning.  Looks like the Pirates are happy with Meek throwing multiple innings while Hanrahanananan works as the closer.  You can hold Meek if you like, but you look a little desperate.

Andrew McCutchen – The Dread Pirate is having a heckuva couple of weeks.  He left yesterday after getting beaned in the cantaloupe with a pitch by Mike Leake.  Can’t you do anything right, Leake?!  Dread’s neck is sore with a bruise.  I’m guessing he’ll miss at least a game or three.

Neil Walker – 3-for-4 with 4 RBIs.  Kinda eerie the 2009 Coghlan vibe I get from Walker.  Decent Runs/Not Much/Decent RBIs/Nice Average/Bleh Speed.  All day, every day.

Thomas Diamond – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 10 Ks in 122 pitches.  Did the Cubs wear their throwback uniforms and Dusty managed this game?  Diamond was once compared to Roger Clemens when he was drafted in the first round overall 6 years ago.  5 years ago, he was compared to Nolan Ryan and voted the best prospect in the Rangers system.  Then, he met Dr. Freeze.  A Tommy John surgery and a few mediocre seasons later, he’s back.  His Ks are for real, but his walks could get ugly at times.  I’d grab him in NL-Only leagues and deeper mixed keepers immediately.  In redraft leagues, it depends on how bad you need the gamble.

Angel Sanchez – 4-for-6, 6 RBIs.  I know Angel Pagan.  I know Angel by Aerosmith.  I do not know Angel Sanchez.  BTW, the Astros scored 18 runs and no one in fantasy benefited.

Rick Porcello – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  I know you ordered raw, but he’s cooked.

B.J. Upton – Hit his 9th homer yesterday and is now batting over .350 in the last week as he led off yesterday.  He’s going to end the year with a 12/45, .250 line and you’re going to look at him in next year’s preseason and you’re gonna forget all about the ulcer he gave you for four months this year.

Jeff Niemann – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  In May, the clock struck midnight on this guy’s ERA.  Where’s the freakin’ pumpkin?!

Brian Duensing – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  This was a tough matchup.  Next start is vs. the Indians.  Don’t mind if I do!

Jonathan Sanchez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks in Coors.  Sonavabench!

Andres Torres – 3-for-6 with his 11th homer.  Everyone owns this guy by now, right?  I don’t need to keep pointing him out, do I?

Travis Snider – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer and batting .333 since his return.  Yes, you should pick him up.  Yes, you too.  And you.

Luke Scott – In case you dropped Scott because you were ‘done with him,’ he just hit his second homer in two games.  Luke Scott will tell you when to drop him.

Brian Roberts – 0-for-4 and batting .229 since he returned, with 3 steals.  You’re thinking that’s the thanks you get for holding him for all those months, but in reality he’s teaching you a valuable lesson.  In the preseason, don’t draft guys that are already hurt.

Juan Pierre – As the old joke goes.  A psychic looks at Hitler’s palm and says, “I predict, Fuhrer, that you’re going to die on a holiday.”  Hitler, “What holiday?”  “It doesn’t matter.  The day you die will be a holiday.”  To use that train of thought, Pierre always homers on a holiday.

Alex Gordon – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer.  Oh, it’s on.

Joe Saunders – 9 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Of course he’s pitching better than Haren.  Why wouldn’t he be?

Mark Reynolds – Three run homer then he was plunked in the helmet.  Mini Donkey’s probably bray-to-bray.

Aaron Heilman – Was unofficially named the closer by Kirk Gibson when he said something like, “I’m not naming a closer, but there’s only one guy in the bullpen who’s even looked half decent and his name sounds like Baron Heilmon.”

Travis Hafner – To the DL with a sore right shoulder.  The Indians doctor said Hafner’s shoulder is especially prone to soreness because he has to carry around that giant head.

Carlos Santana – Officially placed on the DL with a left knee sprain.  It’s spraining men!  I imagine the Indians will move Santana to the 60-day DL for the rest of the season.

David Freese – Ankle surgery forces Freese out for the rest of the season.  That’s why La Russa likes squirrels better than people.  No ankles.

Carl Crawford left yesterday’s game with a sore shoulder.  He first felt discomfort on Wednesday.  In the locker room, here’s how Carl explained it, “You don’t want to feel that pain like that…  I’ve never really had nothing like that before… It locked up real bad.”  Now this sounds terrible, right?  Okay, here’s how Crawford finished, “I think it should be a day-to-day thing.”  Wait, what?  You don’t want to feel pain like that… It locked up real bad… It’s fine.  Oh, okay.  This sounds like when my grandmother would talk about how she can’t see or walk, then she’d go play mah jong.  You don’t need to see, the tiles’ engravings are raised. Guess we’ll have to take Crawford’s word for it that this is a minor injury and he’ll only miss a day or two.  In the meantime, the Rays called on Joyce to sow Carl’s oats.  Matt Joyce had a line of .316/.460/.556 in the minors this year with two homers in the last week.  Last year, he had 16 homers and 14 steals in Triple-A.  He’d be a very interesting name if the Rays weren’t so stacked.  There’s really no way he gets every day ABs unless Crawford goes to the DL.  In AL-Only leagues, it’s worth the flyer, but elsewhere I’d wait to see how often he plays.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into today’s roundup, frequent commenter and all-around Razzthusiast, Chase, wanted to share something.  Chase, “Two years ago one of my best friends, Joey Rippel, was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma.  At one point he had a tumor that covered half of his chest.  Luckily, he recovered after months of chemotherapy.  Joey founded a non-profit organization called, The Rippel Effect, to help those like himself.  The website is The Rippel Effect and it would be appreciated if you were to check it out and help any way you can.”  Anyway II, here’s the roundup:

B.J. Upton – Hit his 7th homer yesterday and has 23 steals on the year while batting .231.  In a non-scientific poll I conducted with myself, I get more questions about selling B.J. low than any other player.  Grab Aviles for your junky MI spot and together you’d have a .267 average.  Not to mention, Upton can raise his average before the year’s over.  No one seems to hate Andre Ethier and he has 1 steal.  1 steal and a .231 average are equally bad.  Why is it that people hate low average guys?  It’s one category.  There should be a glossary term for this myopic view of average.

Matt Garza – 8 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Best start for him in over a month and a nice bounce back from his last wet noodle start.

Mike Lowell – Heads to the DL.  The only Lowell in Massachusetts this year is still 40 minutes NE of Boston.

Dustin Pedroia – 5-for-5, 4 Runs, 5 RBIs, 3 homers.  Struck Coors Extra Gold as Massholes everywhere reached for Sammy A.

Huston Street – 1 IP, 2 ER.  I’d say Kazaam, but by the time Tracy names him the closer he’s going to be injured again.

Josh Hamilton – 3-for-4 with a steal, after revealing that he sat out on Wednesday with a tight hamstring.  I’m waiting for this trade deadline deal… We have breaking news today out of Texas.  In a move that could very well push them over the top in this year’s pennant chase, the Rangers purchased 8 hamstrings.  The hamstrings are said to be in near-mint condition and will be distributed to Cruz, Kinsler, Hamilton and Vlad.  Going the other way in the trade, Matt Treanor.  When the guy who sold the hamstrings was asked about what he was going to do with Matt Treanor.  He said, “Sell him for parts.”

Will Venable – 2-for-3 with a steal.  Was actually going to pick him up for yesterday’s short schedule day, but didn’t.  Sonavawaivers!

Everth Cabrera – In a deep league, I got excited that EverCab’s coming off the DL today because I need steals, then about 17 seconds later I remembered it’s EverCab.  He’s the Chinese food of middle infielders.

Jesus Feliciano – 3-for-5 with 2 Runs as Jesus filled in for Angel.  By Saturday, the Pope will be out in center.

Carlos Beltran – The Mets crack me up.  Beltran has been out since like 1964 with this knee injury.  Today, the Mets said Beltran could be activated by this Monday.  How do you go from not playing for over a year to only rehabbing for four days?  Meet the Mets, same as the old mess.

Armando Benitez – But no one can beat the Marlins when it comes to wacky organizations.  The Marlins signed Armando Benitez, who hasn’t pitched since 2008.  Is this like when Nomar signed a one day deal with the Red Sox so he could retire or is this serious?

Jason Castro – 2-or-3 and his first home run.  Let the questions commence about whether you should own Napoli, Suzuki, Santana, Posey, Buck or Castro.

Felipe Paulino – To the 15-day DL with shoulder tendinitis.  Why couldn’t the tendinitis gods take Brian Moehler?  Wait, this will mean a rotation spot for Bud Norris.  Paulino who?  Norris is basically the same pitcher.  Wild, poor run support and great Ks.  NL-Only leagues should grab Norris.

Wandy Rodriguez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I’d say it’s nice to see the old Wandwagon back on the tracks, but last year he would’ve K’d 8 guys, not 3.

Austin Jackson – 0-for-4.  His average has dropped 75 points in the last month.  Where’s all the people who were saying they were naming their firstborn Jackson and moving to Austin when I was saying to sell him?  These people always disappear.

Brandon Morrow – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I could say he’s in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but that would be a lie.  If I said he was in a Buy/Sell in May, that would be true.  Owned in only 12% of ESPN leagues, which is baffling.  Unless you play in a 4×4 league, there’s no reason a guy who has 92 Ks in 84 innings should be on waivers.

Vernon Wells – 2-for-4, 2 homers.  I point out a lot of correct calls I make, so it’s only fair I mention that I figured Wells would’ve went back to oblivion or the DL about a month ago.  Can’t figure out those 1927 Blue Jays.

Adam Lind – 2-for-4 with his 9th homer.  I’m not saying he’s going to do this, but if he hits 7 homers in the next two weeks, which he can, you’ll be glad you were patient with him.

Adam Jones – 3-for-5 and a homer.  Sticking with the struggling Adam theme…. Well, actually, this Adam is no longer struggling.  He’s hitting almost .450 over the last week with 3 homers.  Could still easily reach preseason projections of 27/15.

Matt Cain – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Just rip that ERA Band-Aid off and expose your scabby FIP.

Yovani Gallardo – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks.  As usual, I wish I owned him.  YoGa, why do you stress me out?

Prince Fielder – 1-for-4 with his 14th homer and his 29th RBI.  He now trails Jose Reyes by only one RBI.  Fielder’s HR to RBI ratio is almost as obscene as Marmol’s K to IP ratio.  Only Fielder’s is the bad kind of obscene.  There is a good kind of obscene, right?

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell even if I have to push lip grooming until after it’s written.

Felix Hernandez – 9 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  As I watched this game, I got the feeling that even if F-Her pitched for 15 innings he wouldn’t get the win.  Dismantle the Mariners March 15-30th dynasty!

Ryan Howard – 0-for-3 as the Phillies scored twelve runs.  Ticker tease!

Matt Stairs – This has no bearing on anything, but gave me a chuckle.  Bud Black said Stairs isn’t ready to return because “he hasn’t been able to run with intensity.”  He can drink a beer with intensity.  He can grow a mustache with intensity.  He can probably take a crap with intensity.  If you’re waiting for Stairs to run with intensity, my guess is it will be a long wait.