Fantasy Baseball Advice

Kevin Youkilis, the Greek God of Back Pain, is off to the DL.  Yesterday, Ortiz took a boot to the foot and today this.  The Sawx are officially in rest up for the playoffs mode, which is great for all the pasty-faced Sawx fans, but it’s not great for fantasy.  So far this year, Youuuuuuk has 17 homers in 395 at-bats while batting .266.  So that means, if he were healthy in September, he’d give you some runs, RBIs and 3 homers.  I just popped a zit into a mirror and the puss read, “Whatever.”  You can find a replacement for Youk on waivers in most leagues.  So put on your Burger King crown you stole from some kid, open up your fantasy waivers and replace him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Lavarnway – Was called up.  Stephen just went over his Lavarnway fantasy.  He wrote it while throwing darts at a picture of me.  Lavarnway is worth noting because he hit 30 homers between Double- and Triple-A this year.  Now, rookie catcher is a tough position to be in.  Ask any recently incarcerated felon.  But Ortiz and Youk are both out, so Lavarnway will see everyday time at DH for the time being.  This is great news since he’s catcher eligible.

Marco Estrada – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I ignored him after his first start in the Brewers rotation when he threw five shutout innings vs. the hey-are-they-still-contending Pirates.  Now he threw another solid start but against a terrible offense.  His K-rate is nice and he could surprise against some weaker teams.  At this point, I’d really only push all my CHIPs in with Estrada in NL-Only leagues.

Mike Minor - 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Before you get too turned on by a minor, just remember this was against the Giants.  Minor’s last two starts against the Mets and Cubs were mediocre except for 11 Ks in 11.1 IP.

Tim Lincecum - Took the loss after giving up 1 ER in 7 IP.  He’s 11-10 with the third best ERA in the NL (2.53).  Matt Cain is just 10-9 with a 2.86 ERA (8th best in NL).  If I were Lincecum or Cain, I’d contact Greg Anderson or Victor Conte for some of the clear and then put it in every hitters’ after-game Anchor Steams.

Tommy Hanson – Won’t return on Tuesday.  Wake me when there’s something I don’t know! (Not really asleep, but I am a bit drunk.  Hey, is that an ad for a vacation to Burundi on Razzball?  I might like to go there!)

Clayton Kershaw – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  You know how Jim Leyland’s cigarette-stained teeth make him look like one of those clown head’s at a carnival that has water sprayed into its mouth but instead of water it’s urine?  Now the exact opposite of that image is Kershaw.

Colby Rasmus  - Hit a HR in his 2nd straight game (and had 4 RBIs in the game before).  Must be because his Dad can finally coach him without the meddling of LaRussa and McGwire.

John Buck and Rod Barajas – Both catchers hit HRs on Thursday – Buck’s 14th and Barajas’ 11th.  Both are hitting under .230.  If Miguel Olivo kills a man, we just need 10 more peers for the jury.

Tyler Flowers – AJ Pierzynski’s rookie replacement has now hit in 4 straight games (7 hits) including a double, triple, and HR.  He’s had strikeout rate issues in the minors but also gets his share of walks and moderate power.  So, in essence, he’s Adam Dunn 2011.

Ricky Romero – A 3-hit shutout against the A’s with 6 Ks.  Imagine they still had Halladay and Marcum?  They’d be the best 3rd place team in the majors!

Joe Mauer – Started in the outfield for the first time in his pro career.  The Twins are reacquainting him with the outfield fences.

Erick Aybar – In the midst of a 6-for-56 August slump (.107).  Aybarumba!

Mark Trumbo – Hit a walk-off HR off Mike Adams.  The other Angels made sure to stay out of his way as he touched home.  The Morales family does the same thing whenever Kendry walks off.

Denard Span – Back to the DL because of the concussion he suffered in June.  At least he thinks it was June.

Jack Hannahan – Returned after his wife gave birthahan.  If the baby is half-Korean, my AL-Only team and his wife have something in common.

Mike Jacobs -  Has been suspended 50 games for testing positive for HGH.  On a related note, Marc Jacobs injected suspenders into his latest fashion line and it tested positively fabulous.

You’ll have to excuse me; I’m a bit hoarse after a weekend in Vegas, so don’t ask me to yell.  All caps are just too much right now.  I’m not sure where I lost my voice.  May have been during our spirited game of Pai Gow Poker.  What was I doing playing $15 hands of a game where I literally just turned my cards over so the dealer could tell me how to play them?  It’s the free drinks, ya’ll!  About eighty dollars worth a free drinks to be exact.  Oh, and Ubaldo was pitching a no-hitter and Pai Gow Poker had the best seats in the house.  I think even the three 70-year-old Asian ladies at the table with us were into it by the ninth.  Hair’s to you, Ubaldo!  Either way, I’m spent so I’ll have to keep my enthusiasm on simmer for now about Ike Davis.  Let’s start this mofo with what Stephen said in the Mets’ Minor League Review, “After hitting zero home runs in 215 at-bats in 2008, doubters began questioning his “raw power,” but failed to consider an oblique injury.  Splitting time between High-A and Double-A, Davis flat-out raked.  Not necessarily the most polished hitter, he still has some work to do with his swing and strikeout rate, but he should continue to hit for power as he keeps a decent rate of balls in the air (42.8 FB%).”  And that’s me quoting Stephen!  In nine games in Triple-A Buffalo, Davis has two homers as he hits a robust .357.  Not to be confused with the girls in Vegas, who are mo’bust.  The Mets are calling up Davis in the next week.  Do I take a flier on him in 12 team or deeper mixed leagues?  Certainly.  Do I expect the 2nd coming of Hayzeus Cristo?  Nope.  But if he hits in first few games, his value will go sky high and you’ll be able to trade him for more than he’s worth.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Mike Jacobs – Designated for assignment.  That assignment is to “stop sucking.”

Derek Jeter – Will return on Tuesday after missing yesterday’s game with a head cold.  Good to see he’s quickly on the mend because a head cold sidelined Greinke for a year.

Aaron Rowand – On the DL with three fractures in his cheekbones that he sustained from a Padilla fastball.  In related news, Charlie Haeger’s fastball plunked a mosquito.  The mosquito’s day-to-day.

Eugenio Velez – Guess who now has a new every day job?  Conan O’Brien? Um, yeah, but also Velez.  He’s terrible at everything, except speed.  Oh, what glorious burners he has.  So, as always, SAGNOF.

Barry Zito – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks and was Alexander Hamilton to Clayton Kershaw’s Aaron Burr (7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks).  I’d avoid tough matchups with Zito, but he was ownable last year in most mixed leagues and now through three starts his ERA is below 2.

Franklin Morales – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Now has back-to-back blown saves.  Rafael Betancourt, cuddle boy extraordinaire, would be next in line, but I don’t think we’ve reached that point yet.  If Morales blows his next one, then commence vulturing.

Jair Jurrjens – 8 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Jar-Jar was hit hard hard by the Padres in his last start, then held an actual major league offense in check.  Next time, he gets the Mets.  Uh-oh.

Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 2.12 on the year.  Amongst other reasons, his move to the AL scared me off of him this year.  But so far– Wait, he’s faced the Royals twice and the M’s at Safeco.  Very sneaky, Scherzer.

Wade LeBlanc – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks.  But if a monkey were playing third, that would’ve been hilarious!

Everth Cabrera – 2-for-4 with his third steal as he continues to bat leadoff.  Potatoes to chips, his OBP, which is currently at .280, should shoot up at least 40 points.

Mark Reynolds – 3-for-4 and his fourth homer yesterday.  Reynolds is hitting .182 on the year and hasn’t attempted a steal.  It’s not cherrypicking negativity for Mini Donkey.  It’s a goad.  Donkeys, mini or otherwise, need goading.

Juan Gutierrez – Sure has been one sweet pickup for me since Thursday.  2 appearances, 1 IP and 5 ER.  Maybe tomorrow he can defecate on my Reggie Jackson rookie card.

Ian Kennedy – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Padres in Petco.  A’la Guy Fieri, “Was a meatball of an appearance.  And meatballs are good!”

Ty Wigginton – Has 4 homers in the last week.  Might hit 4 more this week, then not hit another one for a month.  Grab while hot, friend.

Marlon Byrd – 3-for-5 yesterday and will now hit leadoff vs. lefties with Theriot dropping to the eight hole, also known as the don’t steal so the pitcher can bunt you over hole.

Lance Berkman – He’s ready to return for Tuesday’s game.  Him and Carlos Lee should be able to fix the Astros’ offense, assuming you’re playing in a 2006 throwback league.  I have my doubts that Berkman will be the old Berkman.  Actually, let me rephrase that because he will indeed be the old Berkman.  He just won’t be the Berkman that we used to see.

Aaron Hill – Should be ready to go by Friday.  I’ll be impressed if he returns and stays healthy the rest of the year.  Member how excited you were in March to own him?  How ya feeling now?

Alberto Callaspo – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs with 2 homers yesterday.  He’s a .300 hitter with little to no speed and very minimal power.  I will call you, Polancallaspo.

Scott Podsednik – 3-for-5 with his 7th steal.  If you were an alien and this were your first day on Earth and you saw Podsednik’s stats so far this season and his wife, you’d probably think he was the best player in the major leagues.

Luke Hochevar – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He got lucky last time, too.  The time before, I said, “He looked sharp last night and I’m ready to leap if he pitches this well again.”  These starts since then have made it real hard to buy into him totally, but I’d rather own him at this point than not.

Carl Pavano – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  I talked him up last week.  Finally putting years of dreckitude behind me.  So I picked him up and he got shelled.  Did he do this to spite me?  Probably.  But guess what?  It was a weekly league, so I didn’t have him in my active lineup yet.  In your face, Pavano!

Jason Marquis – Didn’t record an out as he gave up 7 runs.  Now that’s Razztastic!

Mark Teixeira – HR yesterday as his average buoys around .115.  Someone turn this guy’s calender to June.

Jay Bruce – 2 solo homers yesterday.  After the game, he cured death, then reversed the cure because of all the people who doubted him the first two weeks.

Matt Garza – 8 IP, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks has a 0.75 ERA on the year.  Have I mentioned that I traded Rafael Soriano to get Garza in one league?

Ricky Romero – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Stop the press!  Who’s that?  Ricky Romero!

Ervin Santana – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  As the Black Eyed Peas would say, “Mazel tov.”

Rich Harden – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 BBs.  Weird how his stuff has gone from filthy to sloppy.

On his way to The Stadium That Jane Fonda Didn’t Receive In The Divorce Settlement, Jason Heyward ordered his chariot driver to the side of the road so he could wrestle a wildebeest.  Suicide mission or pregame ritual?  Doesn’t matter.  With nary a scuff to his gladiator sandals, he escaped unharmed.  With the wildebeest head shipped off to PETA, Heyward arrived at the game, went 2-for-5 and hit a home run.  No doubt, he is the greatest player since RBI Baseball’s Darrell Evans.  After the game, Heyward said, “What game?  I was commissioned by Al Gore to form cloud cover.”  Consider Heyward a 80/20/80/.280/10 guy.  If someone offers you better than that, take it.  If you’re in a league where someone gives you a top 50 player for him, you’re in a sucker league.  And you better beat those suckers.  Remember, Jordan Schafer hit a home run on Opening Day last year.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Nate McLouth – Hitting eighth.  He did hit .010 in the preseason, but I think Cox comes around on him.  Could be a nice buy low situation.  Then again, I’m not a huge fan of McLousy, so I need to stop touting him.

Carlos Zambrano – 1 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  In all fairness, he gave up five bloop singles… And two bloop 450 foot homers.

Derek Lowe – 6 IP, 5 ER and the Win.  I don’t like Lowe this year; this start did nothing to change my mind.

Shaun Marcum – Had a no-hitter through 6 and a third until Nelson Cruz said I am more than an All-Star replacement.  Marcum’s one of those pitchers I’d be all over if he played in the NL.  In Toronto, s’okay.

Jason Frasor – 1/3 IP, 2 ER as he blew the save.  He has guys behind him that can fill-in, but the Jays are playing for nothing.  So it’s six of one, half dozen of another for how long Frasor’s closer leash will be.  I’m not grabbing Downs or Gregg yet, but one more blown save and that could change.

Adam Lind – HR yesterday.  One down, 34 more to go.

Travis Snider – 0-for-4, 3 Ks.  There will be quite a few of these type of days.  He can still hit plenty of homers too.  The bugaboo is he’s batting 9th.

Mike Napoli – Didn’t start yesterday.  Napoli is why the Ron Popeil method of setting and forgetting your catcher was invented.  Napoli doesn’t play every game, it’s how Scioscia do.

Carlos Gomez – 4-for-5, steal and a homer.  Gomez hit 2nd yesterday.  I mentioned in the comments that he could be this year’s Emilio Bonifacio.  What I mean is a guy that steals 4 bases in one week, everyone adds him then by the third week of the season people wish he’d die by falling in front of a marching band that tramples him.  Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t add him early, just don’t drop anyone you’ll regret.

Carlos Gonzalez – It’s an 8-for-10 day for CarGoes. Gonzalez was also thrown out by about a foot trying to steal.  Good to see him running, be nicer to see him getting better jumps.

Seth Smith – 0-for-4, 3 strikeouts.  Fowler owners and lispers rejoice.

Huston Street – Received good news that there wasn’t nothing seriously wrong with his shoulder.  Except that he can’t pitch.

Dan Haren – 7 IP, 1 ER.  I’m guessing it’s before the All-Star Break.  Hey, look, it is!

Mark Reynolds – HR yesterday.  Reynolds isn’t ready to relinquish the Mini-Donkey title just yet.  Mini-Donkeys are stubborn.

Ian Stewart – HR yesterday.  In a land of men and Mini-Donkeys, there was one Mini-Donkey who was smaller than all others, but his heart and home runs were bigger.  His name was Ian Stewart and he’s Mini-Mini Donkey.

Mark Kotsay – Announcers were talking him up as a professional hitter that “adds flexibility.”  I don’t know but his wife makes me stiff.

Mike Jacobs – 0-for-4 as he hit cleanup.  I get the whole righty-lefty thing, but Mike Jacobs can barely cleanup his locker.

David Wright – HR yesterday.  After last year, his owners will take any power signs, but this homer was a fortunate, well-placed blast that was just around the pole.  Or as they call it in New York, The Pesci Pole.

Jose Reyes – Stole two bases in his rehab game.  It won’t be long now, ya’ll.

Casey Kotchman – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs.  As expected, he hit third against a righty.  For those that aren’t hip to handiness, there’s a lot more righties.  If you can find someone to get into your lineup when the Mariners face lefties, it could be worth it.

Garrett Jones – 2 HRs yesterday.  As our fantasy football contributor, Mark, said yesterday, “Robot Jones just fulfilled one of his 3 laws.”

Delmon Young – 2-for-4, HR yesterday.  Deep leagues obviously need to react quicker than other leagues.  Who knows, Young is still, well, young at 24 and he was once a big time prospect.

Roy Halladay – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks.  What’s a bigger joke?  Halladay vs. the Nats or Lannan vs. the Phils.

Placido Polanco – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs, grand slam. That was a month’s worth of Feliz.  Spanish pun intended.

Ian Desmond – 0-for-2 as he hit 8th.  Willie Harris went 0-for-4 from the two hole.  While Desmond needs to hit to stay on the field, Willie Harris should not be batting 2nd.

Ryan Franklin – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Kazaam!

Chris Carpenter – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 Ks.  Rudy and I both agree that we wouldn’t own Carpenter this year.

Albert Pujols – 4-for-5, 2 HRs.  Poo-Holes is spitting fire.

Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4, HR.  Really wish I got him in a league this year.  I have a feeling it’s going to be his coming out party.  Maybe he’ll announce it in The Advocate.

Drew Stubbs – 2-for-2, didn’t get the start, but was brought in to face the lefty Reyes.  If Dusty’s only playing Stubbs vs. lefties, it kills his value.  Worse, I think all the Reds’ outfielders — aside from Bruce — are looking at 350-400 ABs.  That’s Gomes, Dickerson and Stubbs.

Joey Votto – 3-for-5, HR yesterday.  It was a good day, Ice Cube.

Zach Greinke – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 Ks.  Over/under for Greinke’s no decisions this year?  16? 17 maybe?

Justin Verlander – 5 IP, 4 ER, 6 Ks.  Same thing every year for Verlander.  April early showers, bring May flowers.

Cameron Maybin – 0-for-4, 3 Ks.  It’s no embarrassment to be overmatched by Johan, even Johan 2.0, but Maybin looked completely lost.  My bigger problem with Maybin is he only has 20 steal speed.  He’s not a burner.

Gaby Sanchez – 2-for-4 with a double.  Yeah, not that exciting but I own him, so you’re gonna have to occasionally hear about him.

Ken Griffey Jr. – You see this Dick’s Sporting Goods commercial with Griffey running around the store?  Is this commercial from 1993?  Griffey strained his hamstring somewhere in aisle #5.

Mark Buehrle – 7 IP, 4 baserunners.  After Buehrle made one of the best plays by a pitcher ever, The Hawk, the White Sox announcer, said Buehrle’s had a storybook career.  Can’t wait for the movie.  The Mark Buehrle Story starring Michael Rappaport.

Carlos Quentin – No wonder he’s always getting hurt, I watched him get hit by pitches twice that he should’ve easily avoided.  He has the reaction time of Robert De Niro in Awakenings.

Jorge Posada’s going to hit 161 home runs (accounting for one rainout, of course), Granderson’s going to win the MVP and Big Papi still sucks.  Oh, and Beckett’s record will be 0-25-1. Yes, a tie.  My crystal ball doesn’t lie, don’t second guess it.  Spring has sprung and baseball’s back.  It’s a good time to be alive.  The flowers smell different, don’t they?  They smell like hot dogs.   Right now, I feel like putting some endangered Chilean sea bass on the grill, an Olde English in an oversized cozy and kicking back for the next six months while the sounds of baseball dance in my head.   Oh, and win all my fantasy baseball leagues; that would be nice too.  The number one thing you don’t want to do in the next few weeks is overrate anything you see.  You’re not winning your league in the first few weeks, but you can lose it.  As inviting as Brett Gardner seems right now, don’t drop A-Rod for him.  Even if A-Rod cheats.  Brett Gardner’s an intriguing name in deep leagues.  Just don’t jump out the window until you see how real the fire is.  On the other hand, don’t ignore what goes on these first few weeks.  This is when The ‘08 Nadys (<–great band name) get signed, but is also when the ’09 Bonifacios open for them.  Anyway, here’s what I saw this weekend for fantasy baseball:

Jon Rauch – Officially the closer for the Twins.  Old news at this point.  But, as far as I’m concerned, old news is better than new news because saying new news sounds dumb.  Who are you, Starship singing Sara, Sara… Sara, Sara?  I get it.  One Sara would suffice.  No reason why Rauch can’t be completely effective as the closer, or effective until July when the Twins trade for Bell.  Rauch is a sneaky donkeycorn, which is redundant because all donkeycorns are sneaky.  It’s in their DNA.  In all the leagues I had Guerrier, and it was quite a few, I dropped him and grabbed Duchscherer.

Justin Duchscherer – When healthy, he’s pitched well.  When not healthy, you DL or drop him.  He’s a Bennis Carpensheeter.

Andrew Bailey – Limped off the field on Saturday with grabbing in his knee.  *sad trombone*  Bailey says he’ll be fine for Opening Day.  I say it’ll be a miracle if he gets through April healthy.  With Wuertz *pinkie to mouth* hurtz, I grabbed Ziegler and dropped Duchscherer in one league.  Yes, in the matter of two blurbs I’ve added two guys and dropped two guys.  That’s how I roll.

Gio Gonzalez – Named the A’s fifth starter.  I already dazzled your retinas with why to own Gio Gonzalez.  Gio’s 1980 Belushi wild, but he’s also pretty unhittable.  He could easily be the AL’s answer to Jorge de la Rosa.  Oh, and Gio pitches in a pitcher’s park.  Hello, melons, I like to squeeze.

Coco Crisp – Fractured his pinkie.  And the breaks keep coming for the A’s.  I mean good breaks.  Bee tee dubya, Fox didn’t crack the lineup even without Crisp.  Let us say, radicchio.

Jack Cust – Geez, is this an all A’s roundup?  Cust was designated for assignment.  Still… No Fox!  Eric Chavez will be the primary DH.  As far as Chavez can limp, DH may as well stand for designated hamstring.  Chavez doesn’t need Macho Camacho to knock him out, a strong gust of wind will do.  Fox will see his share of ABs this year.  Elias Sports Bureau said Jake Fox is the first super-utility man in the history of baseball who can’t play defense.  Actually, they didn’t say that, but something that was overheard this week in the Elias Sports Bureau compound, “On Monday, Peter, in accounting, imitated the dramatic prairie dog a record 17 times.”

Nate McLouth – Hamstring’s fine, will play on Opening Day.  This guy really fell off the map in drafts.  See no reason why he can’t give you a 20/20 season with a mediocre average.

Luis Valbuena – Bruised his hand and will miss a few days.  Grudzielanek will fill-in for him.  Somewhere the guy who has to sew the last names on the Indians’ jerseys groans.

John Bowker – Won the starting job over Schierholtz.  That’s like beating conjoined twins in a race to put on pants.

Scott Kazmir – To the 15-day DL.  No way!  C’mon!  Really?  He’s only supposed to miss two starts.  And I was only supposed to write a blog for a few months back in 2007.  Oh-kay.

Jeff Francis – Rockies placed him on the DL.  In other news, who cares?

Seth Smith – Will start over Dexter Fowler on Opening Day.  It’s only Opening Day, but Fowler’s value could take a hit moving forward. Unless we can somehow coax Brad Hawpe to run into a wall.  Smith’s a great pickup in deep mixed leagues and NL-Only leagues.  His bat has never been the issue.  Playing time has.

Aroldis Chapman – Sent to Triple-A.  He’ll be back at some point.  June is my guess.  Filling in for him is…

Mike Leake -The first 1st (geez, so much redundancy in this post) round pick to make it to the major leagues from last year’s amateur draft (you know, the one with Strasburg).  Leake has quality control and strikeout stuff.  I’d grab him in keepers and NL-Only leagues.  Just remember Homer Bailey was a highly touted pitcher and we’re still waiting for him.  For every rookie phenom, there’s a few roofies in your drink and you wake up in Guatemala watching a high school production of My Fair Lady.

Mike Jacobs – Staying in the “Mike” genre, Jacobs will be in a blahtoon with Fernando Tatis.  I understand the Mets are biding their time until Ike Davis is ready, but they couldn’t have went after a 1st baseman this offseason.  The Mets are a big market team, right?  Cause I could’ve sworn New York qualified for that distinction.  The Mets really need to move past minayal and get on with pain and guilt.

Dustin Pedroia – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a HR yesterday.  He says he wants to go for 20 homers.  That would be a record for a Sparky Anklebiter.

Kevin Youkilis – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and hit his first and probably only triple this year.  Assist from Nick Swisher when his route to the Youk triple was through Beacon Street.

Josh Beckett – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Last year, his April ERA was 7.22.

CC Sabathia – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Another notoriously slow starter.  He’ll be fine.  Long season, yadda².

Brett Gardner – 2-for-4, steal of home.  You tell Raphael that Brett Gardner ain’t taking no jive from no Western Union messenger.

Jorge Posada – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs, HR, one manly pat on the butt from Andy Pettitte.

Nick Johnson – 0-for-3, hurt himself on Friday, but played yesterday.  If you have Johnson on your team and you need him to stay healthy, it’s like needing farts to not smell.

Lefty pitchers facing the Rangers this year just lost three Ks a game as righty, Ryan Garko, was added to the roster to spell Chris Davis. Then again, maybe not. If Seattle passed on him for a Kotchman/Sweeney blahtoon, what makes you think he’s going to light it up in Texas? The only person really happy about this is Mark Reynolds. His single season strikeout record just got some breathing room. This will hurt Davis’s Runs and RBIs a bit, but you weren’t drafting him for those stats anyway. Last year, Davis hit .189 and 4 homers in 122 ABs vs. lefties. You’re going to miss those numbers? Nah, Garko’s doing you a favor. So you might have to grab a waiver wire flier when the Rangers face a lefty-heavy staff, but if anything this helps Davis. He might now jump the .250 turdle. Anyway, here’s what else happened yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Joe Blanton – Could miss up to 6 weeks on the DL with a tweaked oblique (vague!). I told everyone to avoid him. So, if you drafted him, here’s the world’s smallest violin. Here’s me putting the world’s smallest violin on eBay. When someone meets the opening bid of one cent, I’ll have them play it for you.

Brian Roberts – He’s played in three consecutive games (watch out, Gehrig!) and says he’s fine. The Orioles grabbed Julio Lugo as insurance. I wouldn’t read too much into that. Roberts has a bad back and it may hinder his running game for a while. That’s the part I’d read into.

Brandon Webb – Had a cortisone shot for some swelling on his shoulder. Yeah, this sounds like it’s working out real well. Maybe when they surgically-repaired his shoulder they shouldn’t have used leftover tendons from Rich Harden.

Jermaine Dye – Reports are swirling that he almost signed with the Brewers. He’ll probably sign somewhere. When he does, he’ll have Ludwick-type value.

Blake DeWitt – Awarded the 2nd base job over Belliard.  Well, there goes my first round 1st baseman in Fantasy Razzball and the seven minutes I spent transforming my Donnie Ball t-shirt into a Ronnie Belliard jersey.  DeWitt’s an underappreciated comedic actress… Wait, Google, I’m looking for Blake DeWitt.  Oh, he’s a poor man’s Casey McGehee.

Carlos Beltran – Should be running in 10 days. That puts his first setback at around April 12th.

Daniel Murphy – Out for 6 weeks.  Dag Hammarskjöld!  Tough day for my Fantasy Razzball team.  Guess I’ll have to go with my third and fourth choice for 1st base and corner… Martin Prado and Chris Coste! Yes, Coste has 1st base eligibility. Thank you, 2009 Astros!

Mike Jacobs – He’ll be the new Mets first baseman. 2010 Mets program should read, “The brand new Mets, same as the old mess!” Jacobs could provide some cheap power in NL-Only leagues or deep mixed leagues at corner infidel, but only if he’s facing a righty. Those in keepers or deep NL-Only leagues will want to keep an eye on Ike Davis.

Mark Teixeira – Returned to game action after missing a few days with a bruised elbow, which is nowhere as delicious as a braised elbow. Tex’ll be fine; he’s durable.

Cristian Guzman – Played some outfield yesterday. A’la Nelson Muntz, Ha-Ha! Riggleman said, “I don’t want (Guzman) to get stale.” I replied, “Too late.” He didn’t hear me. Different rooms and all that.

Felipe Paulino – Named the Astros’ fifth starter. I’ll go over him this afternoon in the return of the Buy/Sell. You can hardly wait. No, you!

Angel Guzman – Said he’ll be ready for next season. Our breath is bated. On a related note, isn’t it weird how it’s pronounced Angel in English, but pronounced On-hell in Spanish? Hmm, that’s not that related.

Brian Anderson – Decided to ditch his career as an outfielder and try his hand at pitching.  He credited Kyle Davies as his inspiration and Chaz Bono for his courage.  Speaking of which, we need an entry for the Razzball Glossary for pitchers who become hitters and vice versa.  Suggest in the comments, thank you.