Fantasy Baseball Advice

Yesterday, Shane Victorino went 4-for-5, 4 RBIs, 5 Runs scored and his 6th homer.  For anyone who read the roundups last year, you’re probably wondering where my Victorino love went.  Last year, Victorino was my ’09 Mark Reynolds.  I saw good value in Victorino last year and pushed him on everyone.  Unfortunately, he met expectations, performed well, his value skyrocketed and I don’t have him on any team this year.  This will be the story next year when I rarely mention Reynolds.  I won’t own him because he’ll be drafted too high in 2010.  Alas, the story of the fantasy baseball ‘pert.  Your loves are forever changing.  One year Jeremy Guthrie, the next year Wandy Rodriguez.  Behind the ‘stache lies a fickle man!  But I still gots love for Victorino.  My only concern is how low his steals are this year.  Sitting — literally — on 13 steals.  So run.  You’re The Flying Hawaiian for a reason, not The Taro Masher, poi!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Howard – The Phils scored 22 runs.  Howard went 1-for-4, no Runs and one RBI.  Ticker Tease!

Jimmy Rollins – 3-for-4, 1 RBI, 4 Runs scored.  Batting near .400 in July.  Let’s not call him fixed yet, but we’re heading in the right direction.

Jayson Werth – Hit his 17th homer yesterday and drove in his 46, 47, 48, 49 and 50th RBIs.  Have I mentioned the Phils scored a lot of runs yesterday?

Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 1 ER, only 2 Ks.  A start against a team that isn’t scoring many runs and is down ten runs after the first inning is a nice place to be pitching from.  This could be the confidence boost Hamels needs moving forward.

Johnny Cueto – 2/3 IP, 9 ER.  The pimple-faced teenager tried to warn you.  I’m thinking it might be hard to Sell him now.  I wouldn’t panic and drop him out of spite.  He won’t be this bad the rest of the year.  In fact, he gets the Mets in Metco next.

Paul Janish – In relief he went, one inning and gave up 6 runs.  He still pitched better than Cueto.

Jonny Gomes – HR yesterday.  Reds face four lefties this week.  Play the matchups, dear Razzball reader.

Randy Johnson – Hit the DL with a case of Old.

Kevin Slowey – He has a strained wrist.  This was the best case scenario.  No, that’s not right. Best case scenario would be he’s healthy… Actually, best case scenario is he was healthy and pitching well.  So the good news is Slowey received the 3rd best best case scenario.

Rick Porcello – Now his spot in the rotation is getting skipped.  Next thing, he’ll be pitching out of the bullpen in August.  Then shutdown in September.  Finally, buying Leyland Camels in March.  It’s the circle of life.

Randy Wells – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 Ks, no BBs.  Has a 2.48 ERA on the year.  I was worried after his start vs. the Twins when he went 3 2/3 IP and gave 4 runs.  I’m still hestitant about a young pitcher in Wrigley, but he’s done little to not trust him.  Fall backwards into his arms.  He’ll catch you.  At least for another start or two, then we’ll have to reevualate.

Aramis Ramirez – Returned and went 0-for-4.  This is unconfirmed, but Cubs fans are saying he would’ve had four hits, but Bradley forgot to run in front of him.

Jair Jurrjens – 6 IP, 4 ER, one K.  Meesa tinks Jar-Jar’s got a few more of these yawnstipating starts in him.

Willie Bloomquist – Hit his 2nd homer yesterday.  He dedicated the shot to Jay Buhner.

John Smoltz – 6 IP, 5 ER.  I don’t own Smoltz anywhere, because, well, there’s NL fish in the sea, but if I did own him, I’d be concerned.  These weren’t exactly the Gene Tenace A’s he was facing.  He gets the Willie Bloomquist Royals next time out, if that goes poorly, might be time to pull the ripcord.

Orlando Cabrera – Now here’s an exciting name!  He’s hit two homers in the last two games.  Do with that info what you must, but if you ask me if you should pick him up, I’m going to say, “Bleh.”

Brett Anderson – 9 IP, 9 Ks as he two-hit the Sawx.  I still wouldn’t pick him up, but you know what’s fun?  The first three months of any relationship.  Yes, but besides that, the way the A’s call up just about anyone.  Anderson would be pitching in Double-A right now for just about any other organization. No expectations is just another word for nothing left to lose.

Mike Hampton – 7 IP, 1 ER.  Took care of the Pirates yesterday, will get the Nats next time out.  That’s a decent spot start, assuming he doesn’t end up on the DL by this weekend.

Kevin Millwood – 5 IP, 9 ER.  Well, we both knew it was coming.  As my Polish neighbor from my childhood would say, “What can do?”

Josh Hamilton – Returned and went 2-for-4.  See, he does deserve to be in the All-Star Game!

Jarrod Washburn – Threw a one-hitter shutout yesterday vs. the Orioles.  On the positives, showing great command with only 26 walks in 105 1/3 IP and a spacious park.  On the flip side, not a lot of Ks and very little run support.  Potatoes to chips, Washburn is worth a flier if your team is struggling on WHIP.

Franklin Gutierrez – The Big FraGu has been out of his mind lately batting nearly .500 over his last 7 games.   After hitting .304 in June with 4 homers and 3 steals.  Project that out over the entire season and you have numbers The Big FraGu won’t get.  But Schlemiel! Schlimazel!  He’s worth a pickup while he’s hot.

Justin Upton – 1-for-3, HR and steal yesterday.  Was good to see him do something after going into yesterday’s game 0 for his last 18.

Everth Cabrera – 0-for-3 with two steals.  To say he’s lighting the world on fire would be a lie, but SAGNOF!

Albert Pujols – Over at Rotoworld, they referred to Pujols as Prince Albert. (If you look up Prince Albert, it’s perhaps the only Wikipedia page not safe for work.)  Guess when your last name is Pujols, you get used to harsh nicknames.  With a two ball count, Prince Albert gets the head of the bat in the zone and pierces it up the middle.

In a tie game, Cito Gaston brought in his closer, Scott Downs, to work the bottom of the ninth.  Downs did that, then the Blue Jays scored five runs in the top of the 10th.  So with the game in the bag, Gaston removed Downs for a pinch hitter, right?  Nah, that’s what a normal person operating heavy machinery would’ve done.  Gaston let Downs hit.  Okay, so he told Downs to take three strikes, right?  No point in swinging up by five, right?  Nah, you’re thinking too logical here.  Downs grounded out to shortstop, injurying himself on the way to first.  If I were Downs, I’d rip Gaston a new one on his LinkedIn profile.  Jason Frasor or B.J. Ryan gets dibs on the closer job if Downs goes to the DL.  Probably Frasor, but knowing the fascination the Jays have with Ryan getting the job back, I’m not sure.  Ryan has pitched 5 scoreless in June.  I grabbed them both where I could.  Thankfully, Downs beat gout in like three days two years ago, so hopefully he can bounce right back.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Joey Votto – He took batting practice yesterday and is only days away now.  We shall see, assuming we’re not dizzy.

CC Sabathia – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Only blemish was a gopher ball to Anderson Hernandez, but there’s no shame in that.  Hernandez already had one homer back in 2006.

Robinson Cano – 4-for-4 with two ribbies.  BTW, if you owned a major league team, wouldn’t you serve ribbies?

Chris Young – Headed to the Disgraceful List.  I wonder (aloud as it were) if the Padres will promote Mat Latos (No, that’s not an island in Indonesia).  As the Old Dirty Bastard once said, Latos is raw, but he does have 34 Ks in 28 innings in Double A.

Wandy Rodriguez – 4 IP, 6 ER.  Ouch… Sorry, what?  Ouch… Wandy, stop taking without asking.

Nick Markakis – Sparkakis!

Chris Volstad – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  This was a terrible matchup.  Some guys you just need to bench against American League teams.  I’m looking at you, Wandy.

Yovani Gallardo – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 Ks, 11 baserunners.  I’ll be gladardo when he’s back to facing weak National League teams too.

Casey McGehee – Before leaving the game with knee soreness, he went 0-for-4, which is not good enough for me and my Casey McGehee.

Mike MacDougal – A closer used in non-save situation would be a Kazaam!, but, well, MacDougal entered a non-save situation in the 8th inning.  Right now I believe Acta is treating his managing like Seniors in the last semester of High School.  He’s gonna be gone soon, doesn’t really matter what he does.

Jayson Werth – HR yesterday.  For full disclosure, I don’t own Werth in any league, so I wasn’t sure what he was currently doing.  He’s 10/10/.261.  This is exactly his *pinkie to mouth* worth.  20/20, .260 to .275, 100 Runs, 90 RBIs.  Bingo-bango!

Felix Hernandez – Two hitter.  Then there’s the AL pitchers who get to face NL teams.  Ah, yes, F-Her and the Padres. (Welcome, Googlers who were looking for info on that Miami priest.)

Dallas Braden – 6 IP, 2 ER.  Okay, Peavy is going to miss about 20 starts so this is one decent filled in start.  Only 19 more to go.

Jed Lowrie – Out on a rehab assignment and, barring any setbacks, could be a week or two away.  I have him stashed in a deep league. He’ll be put right back into the starting spot when he returns.

John Smoltz – Will return on Thursday to face the Nats.  I’d like to see Glavine and Maddux show up at the game wearing Nats jerseys.

David Ortiz – Hit another homer.  I haven’t seen any of homers this year, but this is the scene I’m picturing.  Count goes to 0-2… The ump takes Ortiz’s arm and lifts it.  Right before his arm falls back down, which will signal that he’s done, he reaches into his trunks and pulls out his eyedrops.  Drop in each eye as the crowd goes crazy.  Boom!  Home run as The Iron Shiek wonders how he got pinned.

Sean O’Sullivan – 7 IP, 1 ER.  Terrific debut for the Angels pitcher.  If you pick him up, you’re an O’Sucker.

Maicer Izturis – Yesterday, he hit his first homer in over a year.  So sick of taking DNPs from Julio Lugo in one deep league that I grabbed Izturis for one game.  Maicer!  What goes on?  Maicer!

Mike Napoli – 4-for-5, 9th homer and 3 RBIs.  About the catcher position, Ron Popeil says, “Set it and forget it.”

Joe Mauer – 4-for-4 and batting .429 on the year with 13 homers.  That would’ve been a good season for some guys.  Ty Cobb, for instance.

Ian Kinsler – 2 HRs.  You’ll take his 130 games and like it.

David Murphy – HR yesterday.  Sonavabench!  Murphy, you’re not even supposed to be starting against lefties.  What are you doing to me?  Why do bring agita to Grey?

Frank Francisco – After throwing yesterday, he said he felt like, “Money.”  If you’re not sure if that’s good or bad in a recession, it’s good.  He’ll be back in less than two weeks.

Jorge De La Rosa – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  To think at one time he seemed usable.  Rosa de la muertes.

Gil Meche – Shutout and he gets the Cards next.  Thank you, come again.

Mark Teahen – 3-for-4 night and batting .412 in his last 7 with a homer and a steal.  He’s batting 8th.  Callaspo and his .300 average?  7th.   Meanwhile, DeJesus bats 1st with a .240 average.  Can someone turn Trey Hillman’s lineup card upside down?

Nyjer Morgan – First homer since 2007, check him for eyedrops!

Justin Verlander – 4 IP, 5 ER vs. the Cards.  Wha’ happened?  This was a gimme.  Hopefully this isn’t like Groundhog’s Day with Verlander seeing Pujols’s shadow and now there’s going to be another two weeks of April starts.

Ben Zobrist – Did The Amazing Zobrist make another ball disappear?  Let me ask you this, did the Rays play?

Mike Hampton – To the DL with a strained groin.  This’ll hurt those leagues that only use Astros pitchers whose last name start with Hampton.

Ivan Rodriguez – HR yesterday as he tied the most games caught record.  In related news, Sammy Sosa was busted for a PED.  I think my 1998 Fantasy Baseball title now has an asterisk.

And David Ortiz goes pop.  For Patriots’ Day, the Sawx had a special throwback day where Varitek went yard, Pedroia acted like an MVP and David Ortiz acted less jenky than he had all season.  Fulfilling their end of the bargain was Mark Hendrickson and the Orioles bullpen.  *SCHMALTZ ALERT*  Rudy and I went to college in Boston and Patriots’ Day was a time of general drunkenness as we mocked people who had just run the Boston Marathon all the way to Kenmore Square (about 25 miles).  They may have been more fit than us, but at least our nipples weren’t bloody.  R.I.P. Johnny Kelley.  Hopefully they have you in the giant pace car in the sky.  So I already labeled Ortiz a fantasy schmohawk this year, but some might see yesterday’s game as a positive going forward.  Nope.  If that was the case, the title would’ve been “GrandPapi Shows Signs Of Life.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Joe Mauer – Will be back in two weeks.  There’s the good news you need to trade him, auto drafters.

Mark Reynolds – HR yesterday to take the lead in his battle with Chris Davis.

Ian Stewart – Hit his third home run.  Hmm… Let’s see, play young prospect that could be the future of your franchise or play Seth Smith?  May 15th called, it says it wants Seth Smith on the bench by then.

Garrett Mock – This is funny.  The Nats supposedly brought him up to potentially insert him in the closer role because Hanranhananan has been awful.  Mock’s Triple-A numbers were 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER and 5 walks.  Yep, that fixes that problem.  In related news, Joel Hanranhananan got the save yesterday.

Brian McCann – Off to see an eye specialist — isn’t that an oxymoron?  This could be bad news for teams who bucked advice and drafted McCann.  The Disabled List Informer informs us that McCann could be out a week or two.

Cameron Maybin – To say he looks lost is like saying Corey Haim’s a trainwreck. (Full disclosure, I had to Google to see if Haim was still alive.)

Mike Hampton – 6 1/3, 3 ER.  Someone in the comments yesterday asked if Hampton may have one more run in him like Mussina last year.  As with Mussina last year, I’m not paying to find out.  Doesn’t interest me whatsoever.  I can grab Ricky Romero, Porcello, etc. and try for some upside with a 5th or 6th starter.  Hampton’s yawnstipating at best and unusable at worst.

Ryan Doumit – Bad day to be a squatter.  Doumit has a right wrist injury.  He’s the type of player to turn a sore wrist into a 15-day DL stint at the drop of a hat.  Doumit owners, hold onto your hats.

Justin Masterson – 5 1/3, 1 ER. He’ll make at least two more starts and I like him for both.

Brian Bannister – Sounds like he might be getting the call up.  Wink, wink, nudge, nudge to those in the Razzball leagues, Bannister sucks.

Andrew Miller – Not sure if he’s going to the Disgraceful List or just the regular 15-day DL, but either way, he’s outta here.  Burke Badenhop should replace him.  On the Marlins.  Not on your fantasy team.

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 2 ER.  The positive is he won.  The negative is my girlfriend had some kind of rash and I didn’t get to watch the game.  “Grey, can we go to the store to get lotion?”  “Girlfriend, can I finish watching this game?” “What inning?” “1st.” His numbers from the game look good.  Maybe if someone saw the game they can fill me in in the comments.  I’m still buying, just as I was when I said Jordan Zimmermann is a fantasy sleeper.  Move over, Acta, I got an idea.  The Nats should make their 5th starter their 1st starter.  Revolución, Che!

Ross Ohlendorf – I did watch this game… unfortunately.  8 Ks through 18 innings for this -dorf is about all you need to know.  I wouldn’t even take a flier on him in an NL-Only league.  The only league I’d try him in is a Dorf-Only league.  And try to find one of those ever since the Dorf oversaturation of the late 80s… Dorf on Golf, Dorf on Fishing, and when he went all meta with Dorf on Dorf.

Carlos Lee is hurt. Bad. He broke his left pinkie finger sending him to the DL. This also can’t be good for his Dr. Evil impersonation. Chances are he won’t be back this year. I’ve gone ahead and cut him in a 15-team league. Currently, my Carlos Lee replacement is Mike Cameron/Austin Kearns. Mike Cameron’s been hot and… I can’t even justify Austin Kearns, though he did hit a home run yesterday. This hurts everyone in the Astros lineup and their pitching staff, which will now receive even less run support. Too bad, because, with that Randy Wolf acquisition, they were really looking like legit contenders for fifth place in the Wild Card standings. Now the Braves might have their number. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carl Crawford – The other “Carl loss” is our good friend, Carl Crawford. Looks like it was a bad year to predict he would finally show some power. However, it was a good year for me to trade him for Ryan Braun about two months ago. Phew. The right hand injury that forced Carl Crawford to the DL could force him out of action for the rest of the season. I would not drop Crawford just yet, because he thinks he’ll be back in 15 days. We’ll see. This opens up a spot for Rocco Baldelli to get quickly injured, Cliff Floyd to throw a tantrum and Gabe Gross to pickup the pieces. Hopefully you have different options than the Rays.

Chris Carpenter – Right triceps strain. At the best, gone for a start. At the worst, gone ’til March. You shouldn’t have been counting on Carpenter for much anyway.

Brad Lidge – Complaining of a sluggish shoulder. Hopefully no one puts salt on it. (Get it? Cause if you put salt on a slug…Oh, forget it.) Ryan Madson got the save yesterday. Chad Durbin got the save on Saturday. Probably will be some combination of the two (or even JC Romero, if the matchup is right) that will fill-in for Lidge. If this doesn’t turn into a 15-day DL stint for Lidge, I’d be shocked. If the Phillies push him through, it could turn into a “Lidge hopes to be ready for spring training”-type deal.

Orlando Hudson – Will need season-ending surgery to fix a dislocated wrist. If you were counting on O-Dog for anything, you have bigger fish to fry. This boosts Conor Jackson’s value a bit because he’ll be inserted into the three hole on a regular basis. Looks like Upton will have to find someone else to carry him around.

Aaron Harang – 4 IP, 8 ER. Good to see him pickup right where he left off.

Scott Rolen – Placed on the DL with a sore shoulder that has caused him problems in the past. Unless you’re in a league that only used aging vets that are drafted on name recognition alone, you probably didn’t have Rolen anyway. And, if you’re in a league like that, grab Aurilla. He’ll suit you just fine.

Cliff Lee – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 K. The C. Lee that didn’t break any hearts this weekend.

Mike Hampton - 4 IP, 6 ER. After the game, he didn’t say, but should have said, “I sucked, but that shouldn’t surprise you.”

Todd Helton – If you just read his name and said to yourself, “Oh, wow! I totally forgot Todd Helton existed.” You’re not alone. Helton had a minor setback and now might not return this season.

Carlos Quentin – HR yesterday. 10th since the All-Star Break. Making a strong case for AL MVP and being pretty overvalued next year.

Manny Parra – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks vs. the Nats. Ah, to pitch against the Nats, if only you weren’t followed by Backne. Parra, “Hey, Billingsley, I saw Kuo blew your lead–” “Actually, Alyssa Milano is blowing my lead right now.”

Fernando Rodney – Got the save yesterday, but the Tigers made it a five run game in the bottom of the 8th so it wasn’t a traditional save. As to who would get the ball in a traditional save opportunity, whoever Leyland wants to point his yellow-stained finger towards. My guess is Rodney, Zumaya and Farnsworth, in that order.

Huston Street – Not sure how far down the depth chart Street’s fallen? He entered the 5th inning  yesterday and gave up 3 runs. Joey Devine might get a save before Street. (BTW, Street only had 18 saves in three quarters of the season. You gotta ask yourself how badly do you want those other five saves he might get.)

Lastings Milledge – Hit another HR yesterday. Has 5 HRs in the last ten games. Might give Mike Cameron a run for the least owned 20/20 man in the history of fantasy baseball.

Emilio Bonifacio – 0-for-6 and nary a hit all weekend. I’m giving him until the end of the week and then will reevaluate. To try and jumpstart Bonifacio, I’m wearing a rally merkin (Weird Thing of the Day) on my head.

It was just yesterday I wrote up my closer look for August and wouldn’t you know it, Wagner’s gone already. Sent to the DL. Official word puts Wagner with a forearm strain. Not a good sign at all. If the fluid in my knee is half full, I say at least he isn’t going to see Dr. Freeze. Yet. This was overheard at The Lemon Ice King of Corona (which is a stone’s throw from Shea and it’s delicious). “Heard Wagner’s down.” “Fawk ‘em, Jimmy. Fawk that fawkin’ fawk face fawker.” Supposedly Heilman’s next in line. It will be between him, “Not So Dirty” Sanchez, “Why Are You Happy” Feliciano, “Uter Tolberone’s Neighbor’s Name Is” Schoeneweis and their recently called up minor league closer, Eddie Kunz, whose nickname may end up “Just Don’t Suck As Much As The Next Guy.” If Wagner’s back by September, I’d be surprised. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Joba Chamberlain – Okay, like the Real World kids at the Improv Olympics, I’m going to, like, free associate. Harrison Ford was put on ice by Jabba the Hut. Then he went on to play Dr. Jones. Now Joba’s off to see Dr. Freeze. Scuba! And… scene!

Adam Jones – Fractured foot. Like Wyclef almost sang, he’ll be gone ’til September. Jones was hitting pretty well too, so this is a tough… wait for it… Here it comes… Eh, now it’s too built up. It’s not that good anyway. Forget it… Aw, I’m just playing. Tough… break! Oofa!

Jody Gerut – I know this is gonna make me sound like a stunod, but I just picked up Gerut in an NL-Only league. In his last seven, 2 HRs and over .300. And, no, you don’t want him in a ten team league. Only for deep-sea fishing.

Jose Vidro – Put out to pasture. If the Expos were still around, I’d put five dollars down that Vidro would be hired as the Expos Spanish Language Announcer for their radio games. Assuming the Expos had a radio deal and that the French-Canadians spoke Spanish.

Livan Hernandez – Rockies claimed him. All I ask is you look at the comments here. Not only am I psychic, but I can predict the future. (Speaking of these charlatans (Word of the Day), if they were psychic, wouldn’t they only go into work when there was going to be customers? Your empty red velour couch gives you away, faker!)

David Ortiz – He’s hearing a click in his wrist. Sell, Mortimer!

Jason Isringhausen – It was good to see Izzy come into a three run game. I mean, anyone should be able to get a save in that situat–Brain Freeze!

Eddie Guardado – Got the save after Wilson came into the game in the eighth and gave up four earned runs. Um… Wilson’s headed to the Disgraceful List. I mean, there’s nothing official, but he’s headed there. Cust kayin’.

Placido Polanco/Jason Kubel – 2 HRs apiece. There’s nothing else to say about either of these two schmohawks.

Fernando Rodney/Joel Zumaya - Leyland officially removes Rodney from the role of closer and inserts Zumaya. *wipes hand, lights cigarette, whistles* Then Rodney throws three innings of no-hit baseball while K’ing 5. Meanwhile, Zumaya gives up 4 runs, three unearned, to blow the save and take the loss. Bad week to quit sniffing glue.

Chris Carpenter – 5 IP, 2 Ks, 0 ER. Solid start, but Ks are low. He gets the Cubs next. That will be when we find out if his fantasy baseball owners have coconuts or marbles.

Shane Victorino – 11th homer yesterday. Rios still has 8.

Mike Hampton – 7 IP, 2 ER and his first win since God knows when. If you think this is a sign to pick him up, get your head examined.

Edinson Volquez – 5 IP, 5 ER. Take out the Liquid Paper cause we’re making corrections.

Alfonso Soriano – HR yesterday. I never have him on any team. Haven’t in a few years. I think I’m drafting Soriano next year. The more injury prone he is, the better. If you would’ve had… *pulls name from hat* Cody Ross while Soriano was down, your overall numbers would look pretty good right now.

Brandon Morrow – GM What’s His Face, “Okay, guys, we’ve made some seemingly intelligent decisions lately so that allows us the chance to slide a stupid move through. Any suggestions?” Yes Man, “Have the cable company charge extra money to watch Ichiro bat!” Yes Man 2, “Bring back Jose Guillen for Fan Appreciation Day.” Yes Man 3, “Curse at the elderly!” GM What’s His Face, “No, I need something just plain dopey.” In the back of the room, the Janitor pipes in, “Make the best reliever a starter.” “Well, it did work for the A’s…. And either way, we’ll still suck. Give that Janitor Sunday nights off!”