Fantasy Baseball Advice

Shaun Marcum, who decided to shit fantasy owners’ houses when he returned from his injury, was sent to the minors to work on his mechanics. Will return in September when rosters expand, but at this point you don’t want him deciding your fantasy championship. Drop him, unless your league is Cousteau deep. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Johnny Cueto - Removed after three innings with some soreness in his right triceps. Might be the last we see of Cueto this year. (Actually it should be the last we see of him.) This could bode well for next year, since it won’t allow Dusty to abuse his arm any further.

John Maine - Might get shutdown for the rest of the season. Even if he doesn’t, he shouldn’t be started in any leagues shallower than 15-team right now. As I told you, when he was pitching “decently” against the Nats and Pirates, all the walks will catch up to him and are a sign that things ain’t right. Well, they’re not right, he has a bone spur in his shoulder.

Alex Gordon - Headed to the DL with a torn quadriceps. Before he took his first swing in the big leagues, there were George Brett comparisons. There still are, but they’ve changed slightly. Now, “I saw Brett take a crap that could hit better than Gordon.”

Ricky Nolasco - 7 1/3 innings and 10 Ks. Been incredible for almost two months. I told you I liked him on July 2nd. If you didn’t grab him, you blame yourself. He’s still a too-many-innings concern.

Jack Hannahan - 2 HRs. He only needs twenty-three homers in September to have a respectable season. As they say in Scuba classes, don’t hold your breath.

CC Sabathia - 6 IP, 1 ER, but loss the win when Torres blew it. This is why I throw nine innings and 140 pitches every start!

Salomon Torres - Blown save, but Torres actually has been fine, just a bad break for CC and his owners.

Mike Cameron - 5-for-5 with a HR and a steal. I’ve been telling people to pickup Mike Cameron for a while now. If you don’t, that’s your bad.

Chris Dickerson - 2 HRs in last two games. I beat Dickerson into the ground when he was first called up. Again, there’s no reason why he should be on waivers in any league.

Robinson Cano - 4-for-5, HR. Batting about .310 since the All-Star break. One of these years, you would think, he has to put together a good season from April until October. I would think, at least.

Rocco Baldelli - 2 HRs in the last three games and batting .400 in last seven. I’m not saying drop anyone worthwhile for him, but this could be the start of something, especially if he starts at DH and if he runs the bases in a bubble.

Dan Wheeler - Blown save, but for those that missed it, it should’ve been a save, Riggans blew it. This denied Sonnanstine the club record for wins with 14, which is currently held by Roland Arrojo. Ah, yes, the storied history of the Tampa Bay Rays. (BTW, recently overheard in Tampa,  “When does spring training start? I miss baseball. Go Yankees!”)

Jo-Jo Reyes - Got pounded by the Cards yesterday. I like what he’s done in the minors and I still like him going forward, but if he doesn’t excel against the Nats in his next start… Well, he shouldn’t be on anyone’s team.

Carlos Beltran - 2 HRs, bringing his total to 19. Every year he somehow puts up a solid season, while simultaneously yawnstipating you.

Luis Ayala - Has only given up one hit in five innings with the Mets, which included a save and a win. Meanwhile, Heilman, Feliciano and others have continued to resemble a wart on the genital region of the Mets.

Recently, I realized I like my steals like I like my women, cheap. Sure, there’s girls out there that know which spork to eat their Hamburger Helper with, but real value is found in girls that can have fun in a bar with sawdust on the floor and Jimmy Buffett playing on the jukebox. Now this doesn’t mean I’m turning my nose up at Kate Bosworth if she shows up at my door in sweatpants, carrying some takeout Chinese. Same goes for fantasy baseball. Steals is a category I tend to neglect on draft day in March. The only pure speed guys I’ll consider, where they are drafted, are first round gems like Jose Reyes and Hanley Ramirez. I’m not suggesting you punt steals, because that would put too much pressure on your other categories. (Just like if you neglect getting laid.) Instead, I opt for Grady Sizemore, Corey Hart or Chase Utley-types. Guys that give you everything, including ten to twenty steals. In one league where I drafted Carl Crawford, when I saw his power still wasn’t coming this year, I traded him for Braun two months ago. But when you don’t draft a Juan Pierre-types, you’re usually hurting a bit for steals and need some cheap ones. Anyway, here’s some cheap steals that you might find on your waiver wire:

Chris Dickerson - Plus speed, some power and a womb-full of strikeouts. In NL-Only leagues, he should be owned already or picked up. In deep leagues, he’s an add on need. Dickerson will sit (or you should sit him) against lefties. His splits are weird guy cheerleader bad.

Denard Span - A near .400 OBP warrants consideration in all leagues. He is the starter even with Cuddyer’s return and he’s entrenched in the leadoff spot.

Carlos Gomez - As he starts to hit the waiver wire in a bunch of leagues, I find myself liking him more. In a few leagues where I need steals and have the room, I’ve grabbed Gomez off waivers and have substituted him in on days that someone on my team sits or short schedule days. He may lose playing time to Cuddyer so that might make him step up his game or not, but if it’s cheap it can’t be that bad.

Lastings Milledge - Mentioned him last week as a guy who has a chance to be the quietest 20/20 in recent memory. His steals do come at a price to your average.

Mike Cameron - See one half centimeter above.

Jerry Hairston Jr. - About to return from hamstring injury. His vacay was so extended and with the nature of his injury, I’m not that high on him having a huge amount of value upon return, but if he’s there you take the flier, cause that’s what you do.

Joey Gathright - He reminds me of this nasty couscous my friend used to eat for lunch. The tartar on your tongue tasted better than this stuff. So why did he eat it? Because it was cheap. Joey Gathright is nasty couscous.

Cesar Izturis - Cheap’s one thing, but Cesar Izturis? Oy, his name should be just tsuris (Yiddish Word of the Day). Whatever, Jackie Mason, he’s .429 with 4 steals in the last 7 games. SAGNOF!

Emmanuel Burris - How awesome would it be if Burris and Fred Lewis were near the cage and Bochy said, “Hey, Emmanuel, Lewis, come here.” And they responded in unison, “Sure thing, Mr. Papadapolis!”

Our boy Timmy took a Lincecumbacker to the knee. Not good if you’ve been riding his amazing 12-3 record (for the Giants?!?!), sub 3.00 ERA, and 10 K/9 IP.  He hobbled out of the game.  We’ll have to see if he’s as bad off as our other favorite Timmy but start scouting pitchers just in case.

In other injury news, there is the Flyin’ Hawaiian and The Overrated Mulatto. Shane Victorino came out of yesterday’s game with stiffness in his back, while Jeter left the game with a foot injury after fouling a ball off it earlier in the game. Both players are listed as day to day, which is sports journalist code for “I have no idea.” I wish I could get away with this in my every day life. Are you going to pickup dinner? Day to day. What’s that sore on your lip? Day to day. Why are you peeing on my leg? Day to day. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carl Crawford - It’s official. He’s done. Off to have surgery. This is probably a blessing for your team in some leagues. Crawford wasn’t having the best year, yet you had to start him because he was Crawford. Buh-bye.

Evan Longoria - I’d expect him to miss the rest of the season too, but the Rays are saying he should be back by September 1st.

David Ortiz - 2 HRs in the 1st inning with 6 RBIs. It’s the kind of inning that makes owners drool. Ortiz is now on pace for 430 HRs and 1.7 million RBIs for the rest of the year. He might fall short. Let’s not forget he did hit the HRs against Scott Feldman. If you’re not familiar with the name, that means you’re not related to Scott Feldman. Congratulations. Let’s not forget, Part II: The Return of More Deflating News From Grey, Ortiz was just complaining of a sore wrist.

Emilio Bonifacio - Since going 8-for-18, he’s gone 0-for-20. If he keeps going from feast to famine like this, the Nats might have to make Bonifacio watch the very special episode of The Facts of Life when Blair had an eating disorder.

Randy Johnson - 7 starts, 6 wins, 1.58 ERA and a .85 WHIP. Obviously, he’s ownable in every league. Even two team leagues where the other guy’s already quit.

Jermaine Dye - Hit his 28th HR yesterday. I picked him up off waivers in my 15 team ‘pert league back in April, but I’ve since traded him and Kouzmanoff to the ghost of George Carlin, which I kinda regret.

Lance Berkman - HR yesterday after hitting only two since July 1st. He was due for a cold spell. Too bad he’s not injury prone like Chipper so you could’ve just replaced him for a month or two.

Felipe Lopez - Landed in perhaps the only place where he could actually have value, St. Louis. If LaRussa can turn Aaron Miles, Adam Kennedy and Cesar Izturis into serviceable nine hitters, he might make Lopez into a decent number 2. And a “decent number two” is exactly what Lopez is.

Johan Santana - 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 Ks. Has only struckout ten or more batters in a game twice this year. Cust kayin’.

Pedro Feliciano - Won the bullpen paper, rock scissors and got the save.

Mike Cameron/Jody Gerut - Two Carlos Lee replacements, two home runs yesterday.

Austin Kearns - 2-for-4 with a steal. My third Carlos replacement.

Juan Rivera - HR yesterday. I don’t currently have him on a team, but he might be heating up again after hitting well in July. (He was not good in August thus far.)

Brad Ziegler - Save yesterday. Officially the A’s closer and he’s pitched 38 straight scoreless innings.

Gio Gonzalez - 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks. After watching him pitch well last week (minus the first inning), I held onto him and was rewarded tonight with Savviest Fantasy Baseball Owner for August 12th. First, I wanna thank God. Without him, none of this would be possible. Second, I wanna thank Yahoo for having Gio Gonzalez in your database. We had some touch and go moments this season, but you came through when I needed you. Third, I wanna thank Aaron Cook for shitting the bed a couple of starts in a row and forcing me to pick a pitcher off waivers.

Gary Sheffield - 2 HRs yesterday. He obviously hit these homers because he was pissed off he was being placed on waivers. Can’t they hire someone to come into the locker room to insult Sheff? “Yo mama is so fat, she can only fit into a throwback Cecil Fielder jersey.” Maybe they can get Wilmer Valderrama.

Mark Reynolds/Krispie Young/Adam Dunn - .246/.235/.235/ respectively. Stinker to Whatevers to Fat Chance.

A few innings before Felix Hernandez was spiked pretty bad by Ricky from My So Called Life, he hit a grand slam off Johan Santana. (Grey, insert profound comment on how you can be on top of the world one moment and the next moment you’re limping off the field. Also lookup “profound” so you know what it means. –Rudy) The spiking looked like he also hurt his ankle, twisting it. I’d be very surprised if Hernandez avoids the DL. When Felix tried to take a warm up pitch after the incident, he nearly collapsed, then was helped off the field. Tough break for Felix Hernandez and his owners. I’d hope for only a 15-DL stint, I’d expect more. Also, prior to complaining, just think of the Mariners fans who now have no reason to watch any game. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brandon Morrow - Will supposedly be available tomorrow. Yesterday Arthur Rhodes got the save. Don’t run out and sign Rhodes. Tomorrow’s Morrow. I love ya…nah, he isn’t worth quoting Annie.

Jeff Clement - (Another Mariners blurp! This is the biggest day in Seattle news since Stephen slapped Irene.) Stayed in really well against Johan. Not an easy task for a lefty. Almost had a double down the 1st base line, but he was robbed by Carlos Delgado.

J.J. Putz - (4 Mariners items! Can you tell it was a slow day in fantasy baseball?) It was announced that Putz would be back sometime in late July. Prediction, he’ll return to pitch poorly then he’ll complain of soreness and the Mariners, hoping he can come back in ‘09, will DL him for the remainder of the year.

Jo-Jo Reyes - Bobby Cox gave Jo-Jo a quick hook in the 3rd inning, perhaps suffering from bad flashbacks of Horacio Ramirez or the Alamo. As I mentioned yesterday about fifth starters, sometimes you gotta take some lumps. Also, Prince Fielder nearly went deep, which, obviously, would’ve made this much worse.

Ben Sheets - Threw his third complete game of the season. It’s as if the Brewers think that he’s predestined to be hurt by a certain date so they want to get everything they can get out of him before it happens. “Ben Sheets has only 6 more weeks to pitch.  Let’s make it count!”

Mike Cameron - I just traded him away, so of course he hit a home run yesterday.

Adam Dunn - Call it a hunch, but never underestimate the will of a player going against the team that traded him or, in this case, a GM who crapped all over him on local radio. Dunn’s about to go country crazy!

Eric Byrnes - Prior to the Red Sox game, the Diamondbacks activated Eric Byrnes from the DL.  This entailed letting him out of his body splint and dog cone that prevented Byrnes from reinjuring himself.  After 30 minutes of stop-and-start sprints and pats on the heads from teammates, he was ready to go.

Dan Haren - Meet the best pitcher (at least so far) for the Diamondbacks.  3 base runners in 7 IP now moves his ERA below 3.00 and his WHIP below 1.00.  We’ll see if Webb regains his throne by overcoming the dead arm and having his typically strong 2nd half or if Haren just has his normal subpar 2nd half.

Emmanuel Burriss - With Omar Vizquel hitting .171, there are reports out of the Bay Area that Burriss might take the starting job.  Mr. and Mrs. Poppadopolous are going to be so proud. Burriss is really fast so maybe he could deliver what Eugenio Velez promised this spring. Or not. You make the call!

As Sean Connery says, “Shituation: Dire.” Rios has been the pea under your mattress. The splinter in your paw. The tighty-whitey stain that your fourth grade classmates saw when you were changing for gym and have teased you about for the rest of your life (but maybe that was just me). Alexis Rios wasn’t a random stab in the dark when I pegged him for a terrific year in 2008. I wasn’t driving through the desert, high on peyote, when a random Native American said to me, “Rios will be good this year and make sure to hit the slots at Mohegan Sun.” So it’s disappointing when Rios’s slump looks amaranthine (Word of the Day, and I’m not even sure it’s used correctly, so try to use context clues), but there has to be an end in sight, doesn’t there? Yes, I believe there is an end to his struggles. But, for the record, Rudy and I disagree on this. Rudy says he should be sold. Well, whatever. Then I’m going down with the U.S.S. Rios. Rios’s gone through months like this before and he’s come out of it. Sure, his lineup looks like it should be in the AAGPBL, but I’m buying.  Anyway, here’s some more fantasy baseball hitters and pitchers to buy and sell:

BUY

Chris Perez - Isringhausen could be done done. To define those italics. Isringhausen is too old, too tired and Chris Perez is too heffin’ good. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Izzy hang up the cleats and retire (then return in two years as the Rays closer.) But can Ryan Franklin hold off Chris Perez? About as well as Britney Spears’s kids have of staving off rehab in twelve years. I think Perez could have fifteen saves this year and excellent peripherals. He’s not a starter that is biding his time in middle relief. He was a closer in the minors. A closer with terrific numbers.

Curtis Granderson - As most of you know, I think Curtis blows. But I’m starting to think, no one likes him, so whenever everyone starts zigging, you gotta look to zag. Now don’t zag for the sake of zagging — nobody likes a willy-nilly zagger! — but if you can move Pat Burrell and Joe Saunders or someone of their ilk for Granderson, you gotta consider it.

Corey Hart - Might be too late to buy because of his recent streak. As Alexis Rios and Corey Hart prove, invest in speedy OFs with girl first names!

Joey Devine - In a couple of leagues where I had Casilla, I’ve moved to Waking Joey Devine.

Matt Garza - 3 earned runs in almost 20 innings since coming off the DL. He’s a very capable pitcher with good K numbers in the minors. The only drawback is the Twins gave him to the Rays and the Twins know pitching. Damn you, Twinkies, what do you know that I don’t?!

Bobby Crosby - If he stays healthy, he could give you 20 home runs and a belch-worthy average.

Adam Wainwright - I’m still onboard the love train. He was a mess in the first half of ’07, but in the second half, he cut his runs allowed by almost half, his home runs allowed by more than half and he showed stamina. Don’t let his last two starts get you down.

Mike Cameron - I see Krispie Young Sr. on waivers in a lot of leagues. In ESPN leagues, he’s only 20% owned. (Of course, I do believe five thousand 3rd graders draft ESPN teams then abandon them, but still.) I’m sporting Cameron on a ten team mixed league and I’m getting what I expect. For a fifth outfielder, you can do worse. On the team I have him, I’m balancing his shizzy average with Youk.

Vladimir Guerrero - So he’s as limber as Ron Kovic, this isn’t something new.

Jose Contreras - Okay, so he remembers when they called movies “talkies” — whatever, he’s solid when healthy and he’s been healthy.

Johnny Damon/Robinson Cano - I’ve beat these horses before, but I still believe.

SELL

Ben Sheets - I’ve said it before. Ben Sheets can win the Cy Young. Know what else? Hillary can win the nomination. Andy Milonakis can be funny. I can date Mila Kunis without incurring criminal charges. Now will is an entirely different matter. Will Hillary win the nomination? I suppose if whatever state Obama is in collapses into the core of the earth. Will fatty ever be funny? I suppose if he steals better jokes. Will I date Kunis? If I can get rid of Culkin, you better believe it. So will Sheets win the Cy Young? He hasn’t made it to 30 starts since ‘04. That year he had 264 Ks and 32 walks. Go ahead look at those numbers again. Yeah, they’re insane. That was coupled with a 2.70 ERA. He has pinpoint control and filthy stuff. Yeah, I’m a fan. Unfortunately, he could get injured in a pillow fight with your niece. So as much as I like him, I’m passing.

Edinson Volquez - In the comments recently someone asked about Edinson. Here’s what I said, “You see what’s happening with Cueto right now? Yeah, Volquez will be seeing him in the ‘kinda not startable’ category soon. Edinson’s a great pitcher but very, very rarely does a pitcher arrive in the majors and never hit a correction period. Could he avoid it? I suppose, but you don’t bet on the least likely thing to happen. You’re playing with house money right now and you need to cash out and move on.” Admit it, I take your breath away like Dr. Kevorkian.

Adrian Gonzalez - Don’t fall in love with his first half numbers. Let’s put it this way, he says to Teixeira, “You complete me.” Now don’t sell him for Luis Hernandez and a bottle of Valtrex and say, “Look, Grey, I did good!”

Jon Garland - Don’t make the same mistake The Town That Bobby Grich Built Angels made. He’s not a great pitcher.

Jon Lester/Doug Davis - As Hank said in the comments the other day, “Damn, cancer really is the new AIDS. Free plane tickets, no-hitters, and sympathy rotation spots. ‘What kind of cancer do you have? The All-Over kind.’” Meanwhile, Casey Kotchman writes in his journal, “Mono is not good enough!”

Kevin Youkilis - Youuuuuuuuuk is not a 2nd half hitter.

Joe Saunders - Rudy said this the other day in the comments, “Saunders is projected as a low K pitcher with around 5.00 ERA and 1.50 WHIP. His 3.6 K/9 IP and 1.6 K/BB ratios are AWFUL. The only real change from his performance last year is that he’s getting lucky with balls that are in play - it’s .240 instead of an expected .300.” And that’s me quoting Rudy!

Billy Butler - I’m gonna pull a Willie Randolph and say it’s racist if people still have Butler on their team. If he were black or Isiah Thomas or Herm Edwards, he would not be on your team. And that’s egregious! So let’s all get along and drop Butler. Now doesn’t that feel good?