Fantasy Baseball Advice

Yu Darvish is on his way to the States to pitch for the Rangers.  Erik wrote a Yu Darvish 2012 fantasy post already.  To pull some quotes from that article, “Darvish was once involved in a “major scandal” in Japan, where he was caught smoking,” “He also goes by the Persian name Farid, meaning ‘glorious,’” and “He mixes in a cutter.”  He sounds like he’s in the Yakuza.  I don’t want to draft Yu; I wanna hang out with him in illegal gambling halls and pick up coquettish girls.  I’m gonna be honest with you (for the first time ever!) and tell you I don’t know what to make of Darvish’s Japanese numbers.  Dice-K came to the States with some serious bells and whistles.  In his first year, he had a 4.40 ERA.  The Ks did, for lack of a better word, translate to the States early on for Dice-K and I think they will too for Yu (hey, sounds like there’s a haiku in there).  His stuff looks filthy and batters will not be familiar with him at all.  Last year, he had 276/36 K/BB in over 232 innings.  That’s off the charts then making a new chart and going off that one too.  For fantasy, I could see him giving fantasy #2 starter type numbers, say, around a 3.50-3.75 and 200 Ks.  He could basically be the same as what the Rangers just lost in C.J. Wilson.  There’s the chance for more, but Yu’re gonna have to draft him high so there’s gonna be very little room for error.   Depending on his price tag, I’ll probably sit out the fantasy Yu-stakes.  Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Jed Lowrie – Heads to the Astros to become their new shortstop.  On one hand, Lowrie has never hit more than 13 homers in any professional season (2007 when he split time between Double- and Triple-A).  On the other hand, he hasn’t played too many full seasons since then.  On the third lesser known hand that is actually a blown-up rubber glove, he hasn’t played too many full seasons because he’s always injured.  People seem to love Lowrie’s potential.  He’s gonna be 28 years old this year, it would be nice to finally see said potential.  If he hits 12 homers and steals 5 bases, it would be a huge season for him.  In other words, I don’t know any reason why people love him.

Mark Melancon – Goes to the Sawx.  The GM over in Beantown says Melancon is “capable of closing.”  In big market speak, that means he won’t be the closer.  Melancon is the stereotypical small market closer, big market set-up man.

Daniel Bard – The Sawx are toying with the idea that Daniel Bard should be in the rotation rather than as the closer.  To incorrectly quote Gordon Gekko, “That’s a toy with fleas.”  As a starter in the minor leagues, his ERA was 7.08 and walked 78 hitters in 75 innings.  Granted, this was early on in his minor league career, but I don’t see the Sawx taking a pitcher that is actually succeeding as a reliever and stretching him out to fail.  Then again, their rotation isn’t exactly five deep.  I think Bard’s the closer before Melancon, but it might not be decided until the spring.  Hopefully he doesn’t stay *pinkie to mouth* Bard from the bullpen.  Or should I say bullpun.

Tsuyoshi Wada – Signed with the O’s.  I agree with Scott, our prospect writer, when he says he’s not impressed with Wada.  He looks like a fourth starter on a bad team with a side of belch.

Michael Cuddyer – Gets away from Hubert H. Homerfree Dome and goes to Coors.  Boom goes the dynamite!  Or does it?  Cuddyer just had a solid season, and terrific when compared to the team around him.  Jack Wilson would’ve looked good in that Minnesota mucky muck last year.  Cuddyer hits a ton of ground balls and he’s not a huge homer threat.  I’d say if he repeats his 2011, it’s a win for him and his fantasy owners, especially since he has 2nd base eligibility.  This isn’t great news for fans of the sexy 3rd base prospect, Nolan Arenado.  Cuddyer, you’re such a prospblocker!

Kelly Shoppach – Signed with Sawx to be the weak side of a platoon with Saltymochachino.  It doesn’t take a genius to know that when you get a situational hitter for half of a platoon when you have a switch hitter (Salty), it’s not a great sign.  This does a lot more for real baseball than it does for fantasy baseball.  Bummer, that’s no fun.  In two catcher leagues, Saltymochachino will still have some value, but the reduced ABs will make it hard to own him in most leagues.

Josh Willingham – The Other White Meat is headed to the land of lakes — butter!  Conventional wisdom says Willingham is a decent 25-homer, .250 hitter.  Conventional wisdom also says middle-aged men pretend to go to conventions but really have another family in a different state, so don’t always trust conventional wisdom.  Instead of Willingham, I’d prefer a fifth fantasy outfielder in a hitter’s park with upside (say Chris Heisey).

Mike Cameron – Signed a deal with the Nats.  Deal is full of performance-based incentives.  Stop eating the contract, Mike!  It’s performance-based, not performance-enhancing.

Allen Craig – Might be ready for Opening Day.  Craig said, “I asked the doctor directly, when he thought I’d be playing and he said in 4-to-5 months I should be playing, which is right around Opening Day.  Then I asked him for another lollipop and he said no.  A real day of ups and downs!”

Jason Kubel – Signed with the Diamondbacks.  Before this signing, Kubel was most well known for his mention in Ben Zobrist’s wife, a Christian singer, song, “Here’s The Church, Here’s The Steeple, God’s Fifth Outfielder Is Jason Kubel.”  God plays in pretty deep leagues though (omniscience can’t hurt, right?).  Kubel is one of those solid picks for NL-Only leagues — not flashy, gets some stats (20/80/.270), but a yawnstipating pick for mixed leagues for having the same attributes.

Nick Punto – Signed with the Sawx for bench depth.  This is the equivalent to you going into the doctor to electively have an appendix inserted into your body.

Two weeks ago, Albert Pujols fractured his wrist.  He said he was going to be out for 6 weeks but he wasn’t sure until he went back to his home planet Krypton, where he’s known as Al-El.  On Krypton, Al-El had a heart-to-heart with a hologram image of Stan Musial.  What Stan told Al-El was simple.  “Hitting isn’t about arms, wrists or legs.  It’s about flying backwards around the globe to before your wrist was hurt by Wilson Betemit and pulling your arm back.  Then take two weeks to pretend like you’re injured so no one thinks anything weird is going on.”  I’d be slightly concerned that Pujols is rushing himself back and he might not have his power immediately, if this weren’t Pujols.  A few years ago, he revealed in the preseason he had a broke elbow tendon or some shizz and went on to win the MVP.  He’s superhuman, don’t doubt him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jon Lester – He took a no-hitter into the trainer’s room where he found out he had a strained latissimus dorsi.  So, he’s a dolphin?  Well, if he’s that smart, have him throw with his other flipper.  Or have Al-El touch your lat and make it better!  Lester will probably be out a couple of weeks.  So it’s longer than you want, but shorter than the Big Dig.

Jeff Karstens – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  There’s far more glamorous names out there.  Like Portia, that’s a glamorous name.  Karstens is more like a 3.75 ERA pitcher than the 2.55 he currently has, but that shouldn’t stop you from throwing him out there in some leagues.

Brett Cecil – 8 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After his last start, I said we’d need to see a few good starts from Cecil before adding him.  This was one.  Few > One.

Shane Victorino – Has a Grade 1 sprain on his thumb.  That’s a thumb sucking.  He could be out until the All-Star break.

Ryan Madson – Threw a bullpen session and he’s due back right after the All-Star break.  On a side note that has nothing to do with this, I was talking to Rudy over IM and asked him to imagine us writing a non-fantasy baseball blog and to come up with a Casey Anthony not guilty title.  His title, “Mom Finally Free from Parenting and Jail.”

Ryan Howard – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 18th home run to go along with his 71 RBIs.  I took some guff for putting him high in my preseason rankings, if I’m using the word guff correctly.  Well, guff, ya’ll!  (I’m almost certainly not using it right there.)  And for those that say, “Well, you could’ve had Berkman much later.”  I say, true, but that was a lottery ticket.  You can’t count on those.

Aramis Ramirez – 1-for-4 with his 13th homer.  I think he’s hit 10 homers in the last 11 games, but I’m not Aramis’s keeper.

Dan Haren – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Shh, don’t tell Haren but it’s technically the second half of the season.

Jhoulys Chacin – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Why again did I have to say a correction was coming?  I suck.  Hopefully he’ll start to turn things around again.  Just putting that out into the universe.  It’s the secret.

Ian Stewart – 0-for-3.  Ah, you haven’t missed a beat, you old Mini-Mini Donkey.  The Rockies are saying Stewart’s bench depth.  For now, I’m gonna think about the good times we had for like half of a month last year and let someone else pick him up.  In the immortal words of Sean Puffy P. Diddy Puff Daddy Combs, “Memories give me the strength I need to proceed…Strength I need to believe…”

Freddie Freeman – 1-for-3 with his 12th home run.  Doc spoke about him yesterday, so I won’t go too in-depth.  Just wanna say I picked him for Rookie of the Year, not Rudy.  It’s just deserts and he’s my biscotti!  (I say biscotti because it’s sweet, but there’s probably something better for dessert.  Plus, the hard C sound is funny.)

Dustin Ackley – 2-for-3 with the always delectable slam & legs.  3 home runs and 2 steals over 50 at-bats ain’t too shabby.  Hopefully he doesn’t get how to avoid sophomore slump tips from Pedro Alvarez or Matt Wieters this offseason.

Matt Holliday – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  Matt sure knows how to extend the Holliday weekend!  Huh?!  Yeah, I’m not sure what that means either.

Edinson Volquez – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  This isn’t exactly a newsflash but he’s unownable in all leagues.

Mariano Rivera – Nursing a sore triceps with saves likely to go to David Robertson.  No one seems to think it’s going to be a problem for longer than a day or two.  So he’s day-to-two-days.

Curtis Granderson – 3-for-6 with his 24th and 25th home runs.  Grandy is dandy, but Chipper is sicker.

Carlos Carrasco – 4 IP, 6 ER.  Yeah, not good, but you shouldn’t have started him vs. the Yankees.  Sorry, I put the blame on you, Akon.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Day-to-day with an ankle injury.  Still haven’t heard of one cankle injury.  Cust kayin’.

Mitch Atkins – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Nothing to see here, except the herpes on his lip.

Felipe Paulino – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 9 Ks.  See high K pitcher striking out a lot of guys… Having…hard…time…resisting…

Scott Baker – Has a mild strain of his elbow.  For a pitcher, that’s like a slight case of being dead.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see him miss a few starts.

Matt Capps – And he was lousy again yesterday while Perkins got another save.  Maybe when Gardenhire is saying the closer is Capps, he actually means in proximity to him.  I’d grab Perkins and Nathan for speculative saves.  Capps isn’t long for the 9th.

Clayton Richard – To the 15 day DL with a left shoulder strain.  In his place could be, Anthony Bass or Wade LeBlanc, who sound like siblings of Backstreet Boys.  Whichever one gets the call will have value in home starts.  You know the old saying, “It can’t hurt starting Hodgepadres at home.”  Actually, it’s not old or really even a saying.

Corey Hart – Now with homers in back-to-back games.  Corey Hart has that never surrender attitude.

Jon Garland – Dodger pitcher, Garland, is out for the year with shoulder surgery.  With the Dodgers out of the picture, the Mets look forward to signing him for the 2012 season.

Mike Cameron – Like many Northeasterns nearing retirement, Krispie Young Sr. will be moving to the Sunshine State.  Hopefully he looks both ways at intersections so he doesn’t have another head-on collision and put a dent in Mike Stanton or Logan Morrison.

Mike Stanton – Experiencing vision problems as a result of a recent eye infection, turning his normally high K-rate into the Mark Reynolds K-stratosphere.  Jack McKeon was just glad to have something in common with one of his players.  “Hey, team, prostates and incontinence are a bitch, am I right?”

Victor Martinez left the game after fouling the ball off his foot.  Wanna know our trade luck?  We just traded Jason Bay, Cervelli and Mike Gonzalez for V-Mart, Boesch and Desmond.  Is this karma for punting catchers in so many leagues over the years?  I hate you, fantasy baseball Gods.  You smite my team while I give you love.  I.  Give.  You.  Love!  Oh, bee tee dubya, V-Mart’s day-to-day.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Cameron – Returning on Tuesday.  Didn’t I already talk about this schomhawk?  Oh, yeah, I did.  (The “I did” link we lead you to the answer.  If you ignore the answer, skip 7 pages ahead and slay the dragon.)

Adrian Beltre – 3-for-4, 1 RBI.  If you would’ve popped your head out of a DeLorean in the preseason and told me at the end of May Adrian Beltre would be hitting .335, I would’ve told you he’s headed for fantasy MVP honors.  Crazy how far his power has disappeared.

David Ortiz – Hit his eighth homer this month.  I think the average will level off around .260, but the power seems to be back.  He should be owned everywhere while he’s hitting.

Carlos Zambrano – Completed a simulated game.  Hey, this weekend I threw a simulated 150 in Wii bowling.  Eat it, Big Z, and the 15 foot baguette you rode in on!

Alfredo Simon – Headed to the DL with a bad hammy.  Doesn’t Alfredo know that with ham it’s carbonara?  A messy O’s bullpen just got messier.  I grabbed Cla Meredith and Will Ohman, in that order.  I grabbed both in some leagues where I had room.  That means every run the O’s give up after the 7th inning will be all mine.  Emphasis on “will.”

Wade Davis – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 0 Ks.  I told you to sell him in this Buy/Sell.  Not because a lack of stuff.  He’s just in a terrible division for matchups and he doesn’t go deep enough into games to get decisions.  It’s kinda hard to sell a guy who’s only teetering on number four fantasy starter value, but he might push another trade you have over the top if you have a believer, or a Wadvocate, if you will.  Obviously in keepers, you ignore the previous few sentences and continue to eat your breakfast.

Gordon Beckham – 2-for-4.  You ever have a guy who you want to get sent down just so you can drop him?  That’s how I’ve felt with Beckham in a 20 team league for about three weeks.  Well, Beckham’s the spiting type.  He’s now batting .500 over his last three games.  It’s not incredible, but it’s something.

Bobby Jenks – Pitched a clean inning to avoid the Kazaam.  On a side note, he covered first on one play and it looked like he just ran a marathon.  He’s got Jenk in the trenk.

Andruw Jones – 1-for-4, now batting .239 and hasn’t hit a homer since May 5th.  He sold his soul for a good April?

Justin Masterson – 4 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 0 Ks.  I’m just going to assume he pissed off the Fangraphs Database and that’s why his xFIP and FIP are so out of line with his ERA.

Austin Kearns – Hitting third for the Indians tonight.  Fitting since that team is going through a mother of growing pains.

Aaron Harang – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  At 100 pitches, Harang was at 2 earned runs, then Dusty sent him out there for a third of an inning and two more runs.  On the bright side, Dusty didn’t make him don a blonde wig and close out the game.

Roy Oswalt – Rumors swirl (clockwise or counterclockwise?) that the Nationals are interested in him.  You know it’s a sad day in Houston when their franchise is so lost that they seem much more like the flash-sideways team than Washington.  Must be because Desmond brought the Nats together.

Steve Phillips – The ex-Mets GM and ESPN talker blurted out that, if he was the Nats GM, he’d trade Strasburg for Oswalt.  Surprising because you’d think Strasburg hangs around with younger, hotter girls than Oswalt.

Brett Cecil – 7 1/3 IP, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He usual strikes out more than he did in this game, but his season WHIP is 1.15 and ERA is 4.10.  If you take away one start where he was pounded vs. the Rangers, he has an ERA of 2.53.  He’s owned in only 5.9% of ESPN leagues.  Zoinks!

Rafael Furcal – Oh-for-cal is returning today.  If this is the guy you’ve been waiting for to ignite your team, you might need to reevaluate.

John Axford – He notched a save the other day, but it was because Villanueva was tired.  I know what you’re thinking, why not have some *pinkie to mouth* Coffey?  Yeah, oddly enough he was tired too.  So the Brew Crew went with Axrod.  Say that fast twelve hundred times!    I don’t think Axrod’s worth owning right now outside of NL-Only leagues.  The Brewers want Hoffman, Villanueva, Coffey and Axrod, in that order.  Mostly, they just want Hoffman.

Miguel Cabrera – Missing the Tigers series for the birth of his kid.  Crazy that Miguel Olivo wasn’t showing at all.

Steven Pearce – Was walking on crutches after the game.  No, it’s not a new dance craze, he was hurt in the game.  This should free up time for Clement again.  Though he wasn’t doing anything with his playing time before but wasting it.

Andy LaRoche – Might end up on the DL.  LaOuch for him, LaShouldn’tbeonyourteam for you.  Could these injuries open up the gates for one of the Pirates prospects?  Not a rhetorical.  Seriously, could it?  Wouldn’t that be exciting?  My favorite fantasy baseball palate cleanser is rookie announce-mints.

Tommy Hanson‘s line yesterday was one and two-thirds innings and eight earned runs.  Yes, you’ve been Pwnson’d.  Hanson said he felt dizzy during the game, I’m sure his owners can sympathize.  Hanson has an ERA of 4.18 on the year and back to back bad starts.  Try and put a pine tree air freshener on that and it still stinks.  Going into this year, I steered clear of Hanson.  I was legitimately worried about his innings pitched jump from ’08 to ’09.  So sell fast right now?  Not so fast, Paulo.  I’m going under the assumption that you don’t own him because you listened to me in the preseason.  Hanson has a tremendous K-rate and his walks have been fine.  Even yesterday it was an ill-timed homer to Votto that did him in.  Do I think Hanson could still be a risk because of his innings last year?  Yup, you betcha.  But I’d buy him for 50 cents on the dollar.  It depends how cheap you can swindle his dramatized owner.  It takes alligator blood to check raise to the bed wetter.  Anyway, here’s what else saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brooks Conrad – If you didn’t see the end of the Braves game, you should try to catch the Brooks Conrad homer.  Unlike Nix.

Joey Votto – Hit his 10th homer, a grand slam, and now bats .311 on the year.  Someone asked me yesterday if I thought Votto could keep up his current hitting.  I got flummoxed.  “You flummoxed me, you, ” says nerdy Robert De Niro.  Votto and Longoria?  Legit 1st round guys next year.  No foolin’, gee.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Should return this weekend.  I’m pessimistic about how well he’s going to be on his return, but I guess if he’s up to playing again it means he’s capable of stealing bases.

Adrian Beltre – Hit his 3rd homer last night.  After hitting only 8 homers last year, people were saying his move to Boston would fix all of that.  So far, they’re right.  He’s now on pace for 12 homers.  Drop the confetti.

Mike Cameron – About a week away from returning to the Sawx.  He’s the type of player you add and drop about three dozen times throughout the season.  If you can keep Mike Cameron on your team the whole year, you’re just trying to prove a point to me.

Derrek Lee – Hit his fifth homer yesterday.  Was around this time last year when he went on a tear.  Not saying it’s happening again, but, well, maybe I am.  Okay, I am saying it’s happening again… Actually, I’m not saying that.  But maybe.  Sorry, was just having some hedge fun.

Jose Contreras – Notched his 2nd save, now has a 0.63 ERA.  True fact, his ERA and his age are the same number.

Luke Hochevar - 9 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Indians offense.  Offensive is more like it. You can’t even pronounce Hochevar’s name, keep it that way.  Don’t get caught in the Hochevar trap.  Next start, he will drop bombs on your head.

Alberto Callaspo – Hit his 7th homer yesterday.  Has minimal speed and a decent average.  If this were fantasy baseball charades, you’d point at Callaspo and say, “Ooh, I know!  He’s Yunel Escobar!”

Carlos Villanueva – Threw a perfect inning as he recorded his first save.  I wouldn’t drop Hoffman yet, but it could be a while before we see Hoffman again closing games.

Jonathan Lucroy – Gregg Zaun was injured in the game yesterday and there’s speculation the Brewers might call up Lucroy. Let’s see what Stephen said in the Brewers Minor League Review, “(Lucroy’s) plate discipline was impressive…. The GB, LD and FB rates correspond well to developing and continuing power trends towards high teen power potential… One thing to note, his OPS has decreased at promotion besides Rookie Ball to Class-A… And I once ate twelve hundred broccoli florets.”  Oh-kay.  Lucroy probably will be used as a backup since he’s still a bit raw.  He probably won’t matter until next year at the earliest.  George Kottaras will take over full-time duty.  He’s not the dad from Webster.

Russell Branyan – 0-for-13 since his last homer.  Sometimes a guy hit two homers in a game and he goes on a tear.  Other times, a guy hits two homers in a game and that’s it.  Branyan seems to fall in the latter camp.  The latter, get off my team camp.

Trevor Crowe – No disrespect to the Trevor Crowe, Jason Donald, Hafner, Peralta, Branyan, LaPorta, Valbuena and Marson families, but these guys are egregious.  Indians mascot, Chief Wahoo, is the crying Native American in that 70′s littering commercial.

Matt Holliday – 2-for-4 with his third steal.  He’s batting .300 on the year.  I swear to you, his .300 average made me do a double take.  How has he been so yawstipating and he’s hitting .300?  Maybe it’s the 16 RBIs.  Or the 4 homers.  Or the 3 steals.  Okay, guess I answered my own question.

Brian Matusz – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER as he roofied his owners.

Luke Scott – 3-for-4 with an RBI.  Now batting, like, .700 in the last week.  It’s not going to last forever.  Get in now.

Brett Anderson – Hoping to start his rehab stint on Monday.  He better do some heavy drinking this weekend…. Lose it on ‘ludes is what I say!  Eat the worm!!!  Oh, that rehab.

Ben Zobrist – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his first homer of the year.  Here I thought the ‘Brist had the mohel cut off all of his power.  It’s still early enough that if Zobrist goes on a five homer tear over the next week or so, he’d be right about where you’d want him at this point.  That’s assuming he goes on that tear.

James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Yanks and now has a 3.08 ERA on the year.  I’m sorry the rest of you had to get involved in this; he’s just doing this to get even with me.

Juan Miranda – Hit his 2nd homer in the last three games.  He’s got power, maybe he’s channeling The Spirit of Kevin Maas.

Gordon Beckham – 1-for-4 with 3 RBIs as he had his biggest game of the season.  I wish I were being sarcastic.

Jake Peavy – 6 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks.  The good news is he gets the Indians in his next start and about every third start after that because of the unbalanced schedule.

Jason Vargas – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  This is the kind of performance that elicits comments like this, “You can’t deny Vargas, Grey.  He’s figured it out!  Bask in his Vargasness, or do you fear the Vargas.  Is that problem?  Thank you, I’ll await your answer.”  Yes, the glass is half-filled with Vargas.  Here’s the deal, there’s a lot of pitchers that could be absolutely fine, but that doesn’t mean I’m owning them.  There’s too many pitchers out there for me to sic Chompers on Vargas if I’m not feeling him.  Could Vargas be okay?  Eh, sure.  He’s also been lucky — dancing between raindrops, pitches for a team with one of the worst offenses and he’s in the AL.  It’s passable for me.

Erik Bedard – Word out of the Pacific Northwest is Bedard won’t be back until at least late June.  Wait, there’s a phone call for me.  Hey, June, what’s up?  Bedard is due for a setback and won’t return until late July?  Thanks, June!

Brandon Webb – Changing his arm slot after a visit from Dr. Freeze.  I really hope he returns pitching like Brad Ziegler.

Aaron Heilman – Here’s the thing, and, yes, there is a thing.  If you want to instill confidence in a new closer, you don’t remove the guy with two outs in the ninth inning with Juan Uribe coming up to bat.  Should’ve let Heilman finish the game.  Either hoo, Qualls got the save, but that doesn’t mean Heilman won’t get the save at some point this weekend.

Ricky Romero – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now here’s a pitcher I can get behind.  He has 64 Ks in 63 innings.  ‘Nuff said.  Okay, I’ll give you some more.  His WHIP is 1.13.  BAA is .206.  Halladay who?  Okay, maybe not yet, but Romero’s emerging.  A’la George Costanza, “EMERGING!”

Jose Bautista – Hit his 12th homer yesterday.  Of course he did!  Why wouldn’t he?  There was a game, wasn’t there?  He’ll be in the Buy/Sell this afternoon, or as I like to call it, “In three hours so I better start writing.”

Kevin Gregg – 1/3 IP, 3 ER and the blown save.  Was inevitable, wasn’t it?  Gregg is the type of closer to blow three games in a row and lose the job by next Friday.  This could be the beginning of the end.  I grabbed Frasor wherever I could, just to be safe.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 2 Walks, 4 Ks vs. the Astros.  Not fair.  Now has an ERA of 0.99 on the year.  He left the game with a hammy issue, but it’s not supposed to be a problem going forward.  Ubaldo eats hammys for breakfast.

Jeremy Bonderman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I wouldn’t own him in an AL-Only league.

Manny Ramirez – Missed two straight games because he accidentally kicked a table and banged his toe.  Here’s what I think happened.  Casey Blake, pulling a goof on Manny, painted a table to look like a soccer ball and Manny kicked it.

Kyle Blanks - To the Disgraceful List with something-or-other.  He’ll miss at least two weeks.  On the bright side, David Eckstein no longer has to ride to Petco in the trunk.

John Maine – Was pulled from the game after one batter because he wasn’t breaking 85 MPH on the radar gun.  I see, the Mets have given up on the pennant race and are now trying to win a jumbo SpongeBob SquarePants at a carnival.

Finally, Jacoby Ellsbury hits the DL.  This is probably a DL trip of less than a week.  At least the Sawx hope so.  Was also revealed Mike Cameron will miss a few weeks with a strained abdomen. (Shouldn’t it be a strained abdoman?)  If Cameron needs surgery, he could miss up to two months.  Darnell McDonald was called up.  Darnell McDonald is the answer to the question, “Who is Darnell McDonald?”  Other questions his name could’ve answered were, “Who’s the thirty-one year prospect in the outfield?” “This is the Red Sox depth?” and “Wait, what?”  Old McDonald has some speed…. ei, ei, ei, oh, no, you don’t want him.  Sure, he had the game-tying homer and the game-winning single off the wall, but he’s far from fantasy worthy at this point outside of very deep leagues.  Also called up, Josh Reddick.  Let’s cover him on the other side of the formality, shall we?  C’mon, follow me over this “anyway” sentence.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Josh Reddick – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs.  Here’s what Stephen said last month in the Red Sox minor league review, “Reddick has the potential for more power, especially with a high fly ball rate (49.5%).  With the announcement of Mike Cameron going to be out for a month on April 20th at 11:47 AM EST, Reddick should get a chance.”  Okay, I just got chills.  How did Stephen know that last month?!  He practices voodoo!  Reddick hasn’t done anything special this year in Triple-A.  Hitting .179 and one homer.  The one homer did come in only seven hits.  If you need pop, I’d grab Reddick in deep leagues, especially AL-Only ones.  He could also chip in a few steals.  Right now, he should see time in center while Ellsbury mends, then he could split time with Hermida and/or Drew.  Or he could be the first man off the bench.  Grab now, ask questions later.

Jeremy Hermida – 2-for-3 and a homer.  He’ll also get a boost in playing time.  Hermida was a big favorite of mine before I started the blog.  My PIN number used to be 15628, which was Hermida’s home address where I used to stalk him.  Restraining order and 3 uneventful years later, Hermida’s got some esplaining to do with his bat.  After two homers in two days, he’s worth grabbing if you need some power/RBI help.

Victor Martinez – 3-for-4 as he combined with Tim Wakefield to allow 9 steals.  Two by Vlad, who hasn’t been able to bend his knee since ‘Nam.  That’s just the Red Sox investing in defense.

Nelson Cruz – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and 3 steals.  Left with leg cramping, must be that time of the month.  No word yet on the severity.

Elvis Andrus – 0-for-2, 3 steals as he continues to leadoff.  On one of the steals, Andrus slide into second, realized he forgot his wallet, went back to first and still got into second under the tag.  Oh, and it was a pitch out.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Salty should be back in about a week, barring a setback.  Or setbacchia.  Salty should take over for Teagarden and could save you some of your rotisserie catcher issues.

Frank Francisco – 1 IP, 1 ER and the loss as Frank-Frank continues to suck-suck.

Edinson Volquez – Tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs.  As frequent commenter Clyde Prompto said, “I can’t believe I was combing the internet all day to find out who the suspended player was and it turned out to be Edinson Volquez.  I was intrigued by the initial story, found some exciting possibilities during my research, and was ultimately extremely disappointed in the outcome.  I feel like I just lived through the fantasy baseball equivalent of an episode of Ghost Hunters.”  Volquez was on the DL until late-July anyway, so this really does nothing to his value.  If anything, I kinda like the gumption of an injured player PED’ing his way back from recovery since he can’t lose any additional time.  It’s similar to the prisoners beating up Madoff.  What, you’re going to punish me more?  Please, it’s shank time.

Drew Stubbs – 0-for-5 with no walks and one steal.  If I had to assign a line to Stubbs, that would be it.

Chad Billingsley – 3 IP, 4 ER, 7 hits, no walks, no breaking ball and a fastball that wouldn’t even win an oversized SpongeBob at the county fair.  He might be headed for a visit soon to see Dr. Freeze.  He gets the Nats next, so, like a gambler who can’t leave the table even as he loses every hand, I’ll be rolling the dice on his next start.  And I’d fix that mixed metaphor, but I’m too old; I’m too tired; I’m too effin’ annoyed with Billingsley.

Matt Kemp – 2-for-5 as he hit his 6th homer.  He’s been caught stealing 4 times already.  Not sure if anyone’s going to put the brakes on him, but, assuming they don’t, I’m guessing he’s going for 30/30 this year.  And making it.

Rafael Furcal – 2-for-5, 2 steals.  Barring injuries, there’s no reason to think he’s not back.  So when you ask me if you should go with Schmohawk Shortstop Behind Door #3 or Furcal… I’m going Furcal.

Jorge Cantu – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer.  Cantu was terrific last April too, so it could be a guise.  Don’t fall for the perfume and makeup.  Cantu has an Adam’s Apple.

Lance Berkman – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs as the Astros scored more runs in this game than all of their other games combined.  Don’t worry, they still have 6 holes in their lineup.

Chris Coghlan – 2-for-4 and a steal.  I don’t like him at all, but he might be finally heating up.  He will hit better than his current .140.

Mike Pelfrey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  His K-rate prior to 2010 was pretty poor.  Even this year, it’s only a little above his career mark.  His biggest adjustment so far seems to be his ability to avoid the homer ball and leave men on base.  He won’t continue to leave men on base, but he can maintain his small strikeout and homer gains. You’re not looking at a total breakout, but he can be usable as a 4th fantasy starter, especially in Metco.

Jose Reyes – 4-for-5 and a steal.  Thank God, the shipment of Red Bull finally arrived.

Nate McLouth – 1-for-3 as he hit the game winning homer.  McLousy’s always been a very streaky player and he was battling some health issues in training camp.  Might finally be feeling 100%.

Ryan Madson – 1 IP, 3 ER, blown save and has an ERA of 7.71 on the year.  Not sure why it took me so long to realize it, but I think Madson’s a Cuddle Boy.

David Aardsma – Recorded his 6th perfect save.  Member all the people in the preseason who were like, “Grey, your mustache has gone to your head, yo.  Aardsma is crizzap!”  Yeah, they’re off trolling the ESPN message boards now.

Milton Bradley – Left the game with an injury.  Or he left the game to beat the crap out of someone.  No word as of post time.

Vernon Wells – Hit his 7th homer yesterday.  I think he hits 17 and is out for a month with a random injury, but I give up.  He could hit 25 homers this year.

Justin Maxwell – 2-for-5, as he continues to platoon with Willie Harris.  Is Maxwell going to explode?  Get smart!  He does have sneaky 10/25 potential with an every day job.

Mike Gonzalez – To meet with Dr. Freeze.  Hope everyone has their hands on Johnson.  Hmm… Probably could’ve reworded that.

Jonathan Sanchez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I’m pretty pissed I don’t own him in any leagues.  Oh, wait.  I own him across more teams than any other player.  Him and…

Chase Headley – 1-for-2 with 3 steals as he hits .358.  I don’t have the time or the energy, but there’s at least three dozen preseason comments of mine about how I refused to pay/reach for a 3rd baseman so I targeted Headley everywhere.

Mat Latos – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  As long as he keeps pitching like this, he can keep spelling his first name like he lost a Scrabble tile.

Ryan Ludwick – 3-for-4, 2 homers yesterday.  Could be the start of a hot streak.  If someone grew bored of him, grab him off waivers.

Mark Reynolds – 1-for-2, homer and a steal.  See that, Mini Donkey just needed some goading from me.

Kelly Johnson – 3-for-6 as he continues to hit leadoff.  That’s it.  I’m not talking about him again for at least two weeks.  Do what you do.

Chad Qualls – Worked a perfect inning for the save.  I’ve dropped Gutierrez everywhere for Fister. (Then I dropped Fister for Ryota Igarashi during the “It might be K-Rod who took PEDs!” fiasco of  April 20th.)

Justin Masterson – 4 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  You know what?  Against this team, it wasn’t the worst start.  His defense and some wildness let him down.

Kevin Slowey – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I own Slowey on a lot of teams too.  I nearly picked him for the Cy Young.  I don’t think he’s eating the hirame.

Gio Gonzalez – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 5 Ks, 8 baserunners, 5 BBs.  You kinda asked for this if you threw him against the Yankees.

Rick Porcello – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 5 Ks.  Porcello went mushaboom, Feist.  I own Porcello on one team, my Razzball team where I’m trying to accumulate the worst stats.

Scott Kazmir – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 Ks.  You, “Kazmir is so nasty.  I’m so glad I have him.  He’s perhaps my favorite player ever.  I’ll trade you him for Jay Bruce.”  Or at least that’s the ideal you.

Jeff Mathis – To the DL with a fractured wrist, will miss at least 6 weeks.  You know whose time it is now to catch?  Bobby Wilson!  Or maybe that Napoli character.  Yesterday, Scioscia went with Napoli and was nice enough to bat him ninth.  True story, the Angels placed Napoli not Mathis on the All-Star Ballot.  Scioscia was the one that submitted him.  With the game playing at Anaheim this year, I can only assume Scioscia was trying to make the fans happy with Napoli’s inclusion on the ballot and exclusion from every game.